CHAPTER 30: PUBIC ENEMY #1, PART 2
Lincoln Loud is Ace Savvy.
Granted superhuman powers from a freak accident in his sister's laboratory, the #1 fan of the comic character of the same name became the character he so loved, but with a new set of powers. These powers were to absorb and redirect any form of energy; primarily using it to render any object he wishes into an explosive.
Lisa Loud, the creator and owner of the equipment that granted him his powers, instantly disapproved, but soon came around to allowing him to keeping them and, more importantly, using them to help the citizens of Royal Woods. His first day did not seem to have immediate success, mainly leading to him wandering around like an idiot for a few hours, but his boredom swept away quickly following a series of battles with the notorious Lars Rodriguez.
While his battles gave him an instant boost in popularity around town, this remained stagnant with his first wave of villains being less than Z-listers. From sentient piles of human excrement to extremist terrorists of nudism, any sort of serious opposition seemed scarce, at least until he had gotten what he wished for. Upon his first battles with serious supervillains, the popularity he once held quickly ground to a state of complete nonexistence, leading someone else to take his place as Royal Wood's official superhero: The man known as Silver Sentinel.
His defeats to these serious supervillains made him lose much confidence in his abilities, leading him to question how he was to continue his new crusade for justice. An answer came in the form of his sisters; all offering their support and training to improve his skills and take his place back as the city's official superhero. Unfortunately, even after not only defeating two new supervillains, but also the 3 who had previously defeated him, he still could not win the hearts of Royal Woods back. Instead, they now belonged to Silver Sentinel.
Lincoln may have had reserves of hatred and resent for the rival superhero, frustrated over his many instances of upstaging him when finally coming close to his real wins, and he may have felt his pride diminish with the people of Royal Woods choosing Silver Sentinel over him, but, underneath all his problems, he still had one last piece that could not be taken; perhaps the most important facet of all superhero double-lives:
His secret identity.
At least, he did have it until today. Now, standing on the road known as Franklin Avenue, a road that had known very little troubles other than the typical suburban feuds, Lincoln Loud, as Ace Savvy, stands before the infamous bounty killer known as Pubic Enemy; a man with the ability to absorb the memories of any person he eats their pubic hairs from.
With the arrival of news vans and helicopters circling the site, and Ace Savvy standing unmasked before his opponent, all now know the secret identity of the spade-spannered hero. Every eye watches the nightly news, taking note of this unmasking of the world's savviest crimefighter.
In the home of the McBrides, Howard and Harold McBride embrace each other tightly in fear, with Clyde being squished in the middle. Both fathers share concern over the young Lincoln Loud, his bond with their son making him just as much of a concern as Clyde himself.
"Oh... Oh, my gosh, Harold, what are we supposed to do?! Lincoln's all by himself fighting that horrible man!" Howard said.
"Now, Howie, remember, just... Oh, who am I kidding?! What are we supposed to do?! I'm calling Dr. Lopez!" Harold said.
Clyde also shared heavy concern for his best friend, but had to remain far more silent in his own concerns. Unlike his two fathers, Clyde did have the ability to help his best friend in battle, but, unlike him, his own secret identity was still covert and could not be unveiled, as his parents would never allow him to continue again. Instead, he offers his hopes and prayers for his success.
Man, I really wish I could be right there with you, Lincoln. Best of luck, cause... Oh, man, you're really gonna need it. Clyde thought.
Elsewhere, at the farm of the boy known as Liam, one of Lincoln's close friends, the farm boy was accompanied by both Zach and Rusty, two other of Lincoln's friends. Together, the three sat in front of the TV, watching the events unfold live. While none were as close to Lincoln as Clyde was, seeing him revealed as Ace Savvy invigorated a new interest in their mutual friend, as well as the fictional superhero of Ace Savvy.
"Dude. Lincoln is Ace Savvy? AWESOME!" Rusty said.
"You said it, I can't believe we didn't guess it was him. Hey, we got any old Ace Savvy comics to read?" Zach asked.
"What for? We got ourselves an Ace Savvy comic happenin' right here, fellas!" Liam said.
As the three boys in Lincoln's group of friends continued to hype themselves over the fight unfolding, all overexcited in the discovery of their friend's double identity, there remained one more member from the group of friends that held some very different emotions in reaction to the news. The last remaining member of the group of friends was Stella; a girl with prospects to become something more than a friend to Lincoln Loud.
With her worrysome mother clinging close to her on the couch, Stella had a rage of emotions flying through her head, but lacked the concentration or ability to clearly express and process them all. Having an overprotective mother over her shoulder was no real help either, of course.
"Oh, god... Stella, isn't that the boy you were dating?" Mrs. Saetang asked.
"It... It is. I don't believe it, but it is." Stella said.
In one last place of importance, at the unknown hideout of the 'serious' supervillains, the league of injustice all gather around a TV set of their own, more than eager to watch the events unfold. All were under fear of the mere sight of Pubic Enemy, but all were more than excited to see the bounty killer in actions, especially against a foe that they wanted nothing more than to see die.
"That guy clipped 12 coppers in minutes. Is this guy good, or is this guy good?" Tommy Gunn asked.
"Hell, yeah, this guy's good. Wish we coulda killed him ourselves, but this is interesting enough in its own right." Decibel said.
"Who said it can't be more interesting? Raise you $100 that P.E. kills him in 3 minutes." Nailbomb said.
"Only 3 minutes? I say $300 he dies in 2 minutes." Killer Crab said.
"Let's be reasonable, this kid's not that bad in a fight. I say $400 he dies in 5 minutes." Icebreaker said.
As the 5 supervillains negotiated their bets and made their predictions, the unknown leader of the rogue's gallery watched from afar, carefully analyzing every detail onscreen as it happened. Wanting no mistakes in his grand plan, the leader had his share fair of trust in Pubic Enemy's abilities, but his dedication to the plan did not permit trust to cloud his judgement.
For now, he simply watches in silence.
Emotions run high tonight on this cool summer night, but nowhere does it run higher than at 1216 Franklin Avenue. All eyes watched the fight as it prepared to start, but the only sets of eyes that mattered were those of Ace Savvy and Pubic Enemy. Staring each other down as carefully and intensely as possible, neither wanted to ensure the other would win.
Underneath his glare, Ace Savvy held a strong anger and rage towards his opponent, wanting only to see his demise on this night, avenging the murdered policemen that befell his gun. His hero's code does not allow him to consider the possibility of killing him, but his anger does permit forgiveness and take away the feeling of anger to act.
Instead of focusing on these thoughts, he only focuses on the opponent in front of him, and the opponent only.
This opponent, feared by both the superheroes and supervillains of the world, never leaves a town without claiming his target, no matter the costs.
This opponent, just moments ago, murdered 12 police officers without and pity, remorse, pause, or difficulty.
This opponent, just seconds ago, challenged Lincoln's right to be called a hero.
This is a challenge he could not afford to turn down, or to lose. Risking life and limb to regain the trust and the respect of the people of Royal Woods, this would finally be his chance to rise to fame once again and reclaim his place. With the eyes of his family and his loved ones upon him, as well as the eyes of the nation itself, Ace Savvy knows that all are expecting the fight to happen any second; this bomb sure to blast any moment.
To ignite this fight, Ace Savvy says the final words to the fight, formally beginning it.
"Okay, pube-muncher. Show me." Ace Savvy said.
Hearing the words he was waiting for to begin this battle, Pubic Enemy does not keep his target waiting. Arming himself with his rifle in hand once again, the testicular terminator aimed straight for his target's head, knowing his only weak spot well. With no time to dodge or evade properly, Ace Savvy jumped to try to avoid the shot, only to receive a bullet in the arm rather than his head.
While the price was small to pay in comparison to his life, it was still no easy price to pay. Running to avoid the continuous gunshots as they still came from the rifle of Pubic Enemy, Ace Savvy ran to the other side of the street, taking shelter behind a downed cop car. As his target nowhere to go, Pubic Enemy shared that fact with Ace Savvy, taunting him of the situation at hand.
Just as the Louds and Santiagos inside the house watched in horror as Ace Savvy had suffered his first serious injury, the spade-spannered hero himself looked upon his own wound in disbelief. Pubic Enemy's shot had managed to land itself right between the plates of his armor, reaching through the flesh and muscle of his body. Having survived many explosions and other deadly attacks with ease, it was only now that Ace Savvy began to realize his own mortality.
"Hey, kid, you should've known better than to take the bait like that! Challenging a superhero's pride? That's one of the oldest tricks in the book, works every time! I can't tell you how many hairs I've gained from that one! I'm not here to play, I'm here to kill you!" Pubic Enemy said.
Thinking carefully on how to defeat this opponent, Ace Savvy decided to resort to pure comic book tropes to defeat this enemy. Where Pubic Enemy was using these very storytelling tools against him to defeat him in battle, Ace Savvy knew these tropes better than him, and, therefore, knew how to play it to his own advantage.
"Oh, really? Is that why you went out of your way to kill all those cops and bring the press? Is that how an efficient killer operates?" Ace Savvy asked.
"I like to get some enjoyment out of my jobs. I've had a nice fill from those pigs, but my main concern is one of your curly hairs. I'll do anything to complete my own personal bush." Pubic Enemy said.
"So, you'll kill the superhero as quickly as possible, but anyone else you'll take your time with?"
"I have to. People with superhuman abilities are notoriously hard to kill, and I'm one of the few that's never lost to one. The secret is to waste the supers as fast as possible, so they can't get any sort of second winds. Regular people can't stand a chance against somebody like me, so them I can have as much fun as I like with."
"But think about it for a second. If supers are notoriously hard to kill, then why not make a game of it while you can? You'd get a lot more enjoyment out of it, and really start to appreciate your... er... rewards more."
Despite seeming steadfast in his professionalism, Pubic Enemy began to fall victim to Ace Savvy's reasoning. His one and only desire was to have his very own pubic hair, but the promise and intrigue of finding a way to enjoy it more began to entrap his mind even further into the thought it was led to think.
"C'mon. Think about it. You're a hunter, so why don't you actually enjoy your hunt? You've got an entire nation watching you, just waiting to see your collect your bounty. So why not give them a show?" Ace Savvy asked.
No longer cowering behind his improvised cover, Ace Savvy began to slowly stand up, leaving his hands up to let Pubic Enemy stay his own weapon.
"C'mon, Pube. Just imagine it. You get to draw the last bit of life out of me, looking me in the eyes as you slowly end my life, and you hold up a single strand of hair to show me what you took from me before you killed me. Put down the gun. Fight me like a man. Mano y mano. Just like in the comic books." Ace Savvy said.
With Ace Savvy's play into his enemy's reasoning working perfectly, Pubic Enemy began to slowly lower his weapon, eventually dropping it to the ground. Taking his handguns out of their holsters, he disposed of those weapons as well. Before he was able to fight his opponent in this fashion, however, there was still one more item to be disposed of.
Just as Ace Savvy showed his own face and proved his pride, Pubic Enemy had to do the same. Taking hold of his mask, a full metal black mask enclosing the entirety of his head, Pubic Enemy removed it, dropping it to the ground. Now, just as Ace Savvy was revealed to the world, Pubic Enemy was revealed as well.
Wearing a face not too dissimilar in age from Lincoln's, Pubic Enemy looked right back at the spade-spannered hero with his own child-like face showing; not a single sign of age on his skin. His face might not have shown its age, but it did sport a scowling, concentrated look facing towards Ace Savvy, showing full intention to kill his opponent.
"Okay, 'Ace Savvy'. You want a good fight? I'll give you a good one. Come on." Pubic Enemy said.
With his opponent disarmed, Ace Savvy made a run towards his enemy, ready to down him with a sharp kick to his chest. Before his foot could land on his enemy as he had aimed, however, Pubic Enemy threw a kick of his own towards Ace Savvy's face, sending him falling on his back. He might not have had any real injury from the strike, even absorbing the energy from it, but he still did feel the pain associated with it in full.
Feeling a slight disorientation from the fall, Ace Savvy soon gained full control of his senses yet again, bringing his thoughts back to the battle at hand. A minor thought brought with his return, however, was the knowledge that a bit of blood was leaving his nose, showing another sign of his own mortality against this opponent.
Unable to focus any further on the nosebleed, Ace Savvy avoided a stomping kick from Pubic Enemy; the scrotal supervillain wasting no time to end his opponent while he remained down. Flipping back upwards to face off against his opponent yet again, Ace Savvy raised his fists to return the favor dealt by Pubic Enemy.
Now locked into a fistfight, Ace Savvy and Pubic Enemy threw endless punches towards one another, following up each swing with an occasional kick or block. Still remaining dead-focused on Ace Savvy's weak point, Pubic Enemy aimed for his head again and again, trying to aim a punch capable of sufficiently dealing him a deadly amount of brain damage.
Neither managed to hit one another right, but they continued to change a fair amount of tension between each other. One was bound to hit the other eventually, and it was only a matter of time when a real hit would land. Finally, as Ace Savvy felt a punch land in his nose, he had thrown a fist to Pubic Enemy's jaw, sending the two back. Feeling his nosebleed continue to pour from his nostrils, the blood hitting the ground, Ace Savvy began to grow desperate; the threat of his death driving him to desperation.
Running back towards a nearby cop car, Ace Savvy landed himself onto its side, releasing a blast of energy to his feet just as he landed. Sending himself towards Pubic Enemy by making himself a living missile, Ace Savvy knocked his enemy to the hard, gravelly road underneath the two, landing on top of the downed Pubic Enemy. Having his enemy subdued and unable to move, Ace Savvy fed all power to his fists, making each strike more deadly than normal.
Refusing to give into the counterattacks of Ace Savvy, Pubic Enemy picked the spade-spannered hero up into the air, carrying him over to another cop car. Pinning Ace Savvy against the car, Pubic Enemy began throwing his own continuous punches towards his enemy, consistently landing in his nose each time.
Feeling the cartilage in his nose grow ever closer to his own brain, promising him a sure and certain death, Ace Savvy willed himself to keep fighting on. Placing his hands against the cop car behind him, Ace Savvy fed a large amount of energy to it, setting it to explode. As soon as the vehicle exploded, the blast sent both opponents falling to the ground, both struggling to get back up.
While the two laid on the ground, soon to rise again, the anxiety brewing with the Louds and Santiagos began to reach their limit; no one able to stand the tension anymore. Leni, the least qualified to take any sort of pressure or hard decision-making, expressed the collective fear the group was facing.
"Oh, my gosh, you guys, I totes can't watch this anymore! Isn't there something we can do?" Leni asked.
"None of us can go up against that guy. I'm surprised Lincoln's doing as good as he is. I guess our kickboxing sessions did him well." Lynn said.
"Well, we can't just sit here, Lincoln needs some help! Look at him, something's got to give!" Luna said.
"Wait. He shtill hash hish earpieshce in. Perhapsh I can feed him shome advicshe on hish opponent." Lisa said.
"Then what are we sitting here for? Where's your communicator to his earpiece?" Ronnie Anne asked.
"In my room. I can find shome kind of weaknessh for thish Pubic Enemy character from the F.B.I. and N.S.A. databashesh. Up the shtairs, now!"
Wasting no more time to act on Lisa's idea, the Louds and Santiagos all rushed up the stairs, all trying to get to Lisa's computer to find any sort of weakness of Pubic Enemy for Lincoln to use.
Of course, on their way there, Leni found her own problems on getting there.
"Wait, which way is 'up', again?" Leni asked.
Outside the Loud House, the two opponents made their way to their feet, readying themselves once again to continue their battle. Never having fought a superhero in a fight as long as this one, Pubic Enemy began expressing some strong pleasure in this fight, taking the time to recover by sharing his feelings with Ace Savvy.
"You were right. This is much more fun. I'm looking forward to adding my first white hair to my bush; I'll start to feel like an old man at last." Pubic Enemy said.
"Not gonna happen, Pube. As long as there's still color in my eyes, I've got energy. As long as I've got energy, then I'm going to keep on fighting you. If I run out, then I'll keep going after that." Ace Savvy said.
"Then tell me: With all that power to make things blow up, why don't you just toss a few cards at me and be done with it?"
"Two things. First, I won't endanger anybody else in the way, no matter if that means losing to you. Second, you made a point about my pride. I want to show people that I can take you on myself, without having to rely on my strongest attacks."
"Is that so? You superheroes and your dumb little code of honor."
Ready to continue on his fight, Ace Savvy readied his baton from its place on his utility belt, extending it to its staff form. Just as Ace Savvy had his own melee weapon, Pubic Enemy pulled out his own to use; taking a machete from its sheath on his belt. With both opponents having their weapons in hand and ready to continue the fight, the two came to a head, ready to conclude the battle once and for all.
Driving their tools of battle against one another, clashing cold steel with cold steel, Ace Savvy and Pubic Enemy continued on their fight with viciousness and vigilance, both driven to defeat one another for their own reasons. Ace Savvy, staying true to his nature, continued to fight for justice, intent on defeating evil wherever it may lie, and Pubic Enemy fought against his enemy for nothing more than pleasure and profit.
Ace Savvy's skills with his staff were strong and well-honed, but were sadly not enough to fend off Pubic Enemy sufficiently. Pubic Enemy, the testicular terminator himself, was more than versed in any deadly weapon, known to take down superheroes efficiently and for profit. As such, many slashes were landed into Ace Savvy's body; the sharp machete cutting through the armor like butter and cutting through his skin.
While the energy in his body caused each wound to heal up fairly quickly, the process began quickly draining his energy reserves. Once again, it became clearer and clearer that Ace Savvy was not invincible, and this warning was beginning to send a very different message to the spade-spannered hero. If he was not careful, and if he did not improve his efforts in this battle, he would not only be defeated by Pubic Enemy, but would surely die in front of his family.
Speaking of said family, the rest of the Louds made their way to Lisa's supercomputer, using it to access federal information regarding Pubic Enemy and his exploits as a superhero killer. Despite having a full description of the supervillain and even his true identity and face, it was all useless; having very little to offer regarding the weaknesses of this supervillain.
"C'mon, Lisa, isn't there anything helpful in this stuff?" Ronnie Anne asked.
"Nothing sho far. The man ish well-trained in numeroush martial artsh and firearmsh, and hash never shuffered a defeat, nor losht a target." Lisa said.
"And that man is out there trying to kill my Lincoln! Think, Lisa, what can we do to beat this person?!" Rita said.
"Yeah, aren't you supposed to find weaknesses for supervillains for Lincoln to use? Isn't there anything regarding that?" Lynn Sr. asked.
"No, parental unitsh, nothing ish shown regarding any short of weaknesshesh. All we can shee here ish a lisht of his known abilitiesh and eliminated targetsh. Each one showsh the shame method of defeat: Conshuming a strand of the target'sh pubic hair, and then tracking shaid target." Lisa said.
"Wait, that one doesn't say he got them through their pubic hair. Look into that one." Ronnie Anne said.
Taking a look at the aforementioned target, Lisa looked into the details of the slain superhero, seeing why it was that Pubic Enemy did not consume a hair from this target. While the report did show Pubic Enemy had stolen a pubic hair after his kill, it also made mention that the slain superhero had crablice at the time of his death.
"Here. It says he didn't eat a hair from this guy. Out of all the others, only he had crablice. Could that be it?" Ronnie Anne asked.
"Yesh, of courshe! Perhapsh the enemy avoidsh and short of infected hairs. Shmart thinking, I musht shay." Lisa said.
"Ace Savvy's the world's savviest detective. Reading the comics, you pick up some tricks."
"Exshellent. Okay, doesh anyone have any pubic lishce they can shpare?"
After asking the family members for a collection of crablice to use against Pubic Enemy, each Loud and the remaining Santiago looked to one another, each expecting one another to raise their hands. Unfortunately (and this may be the one time such a case could be unfortunate), none had any sort of case.
"Oh, c'mon, really?!" Ronnie Anne asked.
"Sho, you're telling me nobody hash any crablishce? Mother?" Lisa asked.
"No, sweetie, I don't have any." Rita said.
"Nope, me, neither." Lynn Sr. said.
"Wait, Lori does!" Bobby said.
"Bobby!" Lori shouted.
Intensely embarrassed by her boyfriend sharing that detail of her life, Lori blushed bright red and grabbed Bobby by the neck, pulling him closely in anger.
"I LITERALLY TOLD YOU NEVER TO TELL THAT TO ANYBODY!" Lori shouted.
"Babe, Lincoln's gonna die!" Bobby said.
Understanding his reasoning good enough, Lori released Bobby out of her killer grip, but still retained her embarrassed blush.
"Not anymore. I had it treated." Lori mumbled.
Disappointed by Lori not having any crablice to use against Pubic Enemy, Lisa questioned the other girls for resources, hoping in vain to find some.
"Anyone elshe? Luna?" Lisa asked.
"Not me, dude. Wynona's big brown beaver is well-groomed, thank you very much." Luna said.
"Luan?"
"Nope, I'm the least crabby person here! HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! Get it?" Luan asked.
"Not now, Luan. Leni, what about you, you have any crabsh?"
"Uh, Chaz took me out for crabs last Tuesday, but I ordered shrimp." Leni said.
"I'll take that ash a 'no'. I never thought I'd shpeak thish shentenshce, but how do none of you have any crablishce?!" Lisa asked.
"Well, Lisa, that's not exactly something you just walk up and ask a person." Rita said.
"I know, I know, but Lincoln'sh life ish on the line!"
"Wait a minute! I think I overheard Mr. Grouse complaining about getting crablice the other day. I think he might still have some." Lynn Sr. said.
Hearing of this opportunity to save Lincoln, Ronnie Anne jumped at the idea, ready to save her boyfriend at any cost.
"Where's the razor?" Ronnie Anne asked.
"Uh, Ronnie Anne, I don't think he'll be too keen on... You know..." Lynn Sr. said.
"Oh, I can get it whether he likes it or not. Lana, can you spare a slingshot?"
Far away, at the hideout of the supervillains, the rogue's gallery all continued to watch the fight as it played out on live TV, cheering on Pubic Enemy as he continued his attack on Ace Savvy. While the fight raged on and on for them to view, each supervillain continued changing and raising their bets as all events unfolded, each looking to make some profit from the affair.
"Hey, hey, 2 grand he takes off an arm!" Killer Crab said.
"C'mon, man, you changed your bet, like, 5 times." Icebreaker said.
"So did you, dickhead. Everybody's changing their bets. Every possibility we bet on doesn't happen, and, so long as nobody's winning, we change our bets all we like." Nailbomb said.
"Well, then, make mine 3 grand, then!" Killer Crab said.
Once again, while events unfolded both on TV and between his subordinates, the leader of the supervillains continued to watch Ace Savvy fight on. While the others had their own bets on what set of events would unfold, the leader had his own possibility planned out in his head; patiently waiting to see it happen.
Unlike the others, who had no clue as to what was to happen next, the leader knew exactly what would happen, waiting for his own outcome to occur.
C'mon, kid. Don't give up on me yet. You've still got a job to do. The leader thought.
Outside the Loud House...
The battle continued to carry on between Ace Savvy and Pubic Enemy, growing more tense and tiring than ever. With each having a weapon in hand, both opponents continued to clash their weapons against one another with the intent of landing it in the other. The two began to grow tiresome under their fight, but their fatigue was nothing compared to that of their weapons.
From being thrown against each other over and over again, the metal bodies of their weapons began to break down, nearing a breaking point soon enough. With a quick cleave to Ace Savvy's staff, Pubic Enemy's machete had managed to cut it in two, but had suffered the fate of snapping in half itself in the process. Despite only having half of a machete to work with, Pubic Enemy continued to make good use of it to beat his enemy.
Making a quick slash to Ace Savvy's forearm, Pubic Enemy managed to make his enemy drop the half of his staff, leading him to instictively retaliate with the other half. After the two had clashed these half-weapons against each other for another series of attacks, Pubic Enemy finally landed the broken machete in his opponent's leg, leaving Ace Savvy to fall to the ground and scream.
Grabbing Ace Savvy by the head and bashing it against the ground, Pubic Enemy relentlessly threw his skull against the hard concrete, continuing to jostle his already-injured brain. It was here that Ace Savvy seemed to be hopeless; unable to win this fight and surely to die on this awful night.
"You know something, Lincoln? You were right! This is much more fun than just going straight for the kill! I haven't had this much fun since my hunt on the Benevolent Beaver! You know what I did? I cut off his head and shoved it up his ass, then I threw the whole thing on his mother's porch! The old bitch died of a heart attack in an instant! I saved your hair a spot next to his!" Pubic Enemy said.
Each time that Ace Savvy felt his head bashed against the ground forcefully, images began to flash through his eyes as his consciousness faded. He mainly attributed this to simply having his life flashing before his eyes, but, whatever it may be called, it gave Lincoln a new feeling towards this battle.
Seeing the faces of his family and loved ones; his parents, all 10 sisters, and, most importantly, Ronnie Anne, he knew the kind of presence he had upon their lives, and what kind of presence they had in his. Just as he could not picture his life without them, they could not picture their lives without him.
"God, I feel so alive! How's it feel to be a dying man, Lincoln?! You're a dead man, Lincoln! YOU'RE A DEAD MAN!" Pubic Enemy screamed.
Grabbing the half-machete embedded in his leg, Ace Savvy began pulling it out, giving with it a charge of energy.
"BULLSHIT!" Ace Savvy shouted.
Landing the charged half-machete in Pubic Enemy's armor, the destroyed weapon exploded, knocking the scrotal supervillain on his back. Picking himself up off the ground again, Ace Savvy climbed his way to a nearby cop car, popping open the trunk. Grabbing hold of the contact points of the battery, Ace Savvy began sucking in the electrical charge, giving himself a much-needed power boost.
Having gambled near the last of his own energy reserves in the machete explosion, Ace Savvy was in need of more energy, taking it wherever it may lie. As his energy restored itself to a decent enough charge, the spade-spannered hero readied himself once again to fight Pubic Enemy, raising his fists once again. Picking himself off the ground, Pubic Enemy did the same, growing tired of the fight and intent on winning it.
Next door, the cranky old neighbor known as Bud Grouse continued to sit out the violent state of affairs, hoping that it would end with the removal of the Louds from his life once and for all. Watching the events as they played out, it became clear that only one Loud life was potentially to be lost today, but this was content enough to the cranky old man.
"Can't believe that dumb Loud boy was Ace Savvy all this time. Oh, well, one less Loud means more quiet for me. I just hope that-" Mr. Grouse began to say.
Upon hearing a knock at the door, Bud Grouse was summoned to it, opening it to see who this visitor could be. Where he was most likely suspecting it to be police or some news reporter, he was instead met with a 12-year old girl standing at his doorway with an electric shaver in her hand.
"Drop your pants and underwear, old man. I don't wanna do this any more than you do, but I've got a dumb boyfriend to save." Ronnie Anne said.
"...What?" Mr. Grouse asked.
Before able to question the girl's strange request, Bud Grouse was met with Lynn Loud jumping on his face; the young sports fanatic pinning the old man to the ground in a suplex.
"I got him, Ronnie Anne! Shave him down!" Lynn said.
"Wait, wait! What the hell are you people doing?! Why are you- Oh. Oh, god, no!" Mr. Grouse lamented.
On the street, the fight between Ace Savvy and Pubic Enemy began drawing very near its close; neither party able to keep up the battle for much longer. Of course, neither were willing to show any signs of weakness towards one another, but carried on nonetheless.
With both parties having lost their weapons, the fight is left only to being fought with fists; the most basic of all combat. Where this is a mere journey for profit for Pubic Enemy, Ace Savvy fights to regain his honor and place as a hero in the city of Royal Woods.
Once, the idea to become a superhero was merely to progress his own academics; the personal reasons being only a sidepoint to the mission itself. Now, having engrossed himself deeply within this lifestyle, Ace Savvy only cares for the chance to be the official hero of the city once again; no other thoughts on his mind other than defeating his opponent to achieve that goal.
As valiant and as persistent as he was in battle, however, Ace Savvy could still never compare to the experience and skill of Pubic Enemy; the bounty killer having far better efficiency to eliminate his opponents. Being knocked to the ground once again, Ace Savvy was now pinned down by Pubic Enemy, unable to escape. Taking a knife from his boot, Pubic Enemy prepared the knife to his opponent's neck, ready to end the spade-spannered hero once and for all.
"It's been fun, Lincoln, real fun. Sadly, though, you should know you had no chance. When I consume the hairs of my targets, I know everything about them. I become them, if you will. I know all your emotions, all your desires, and all your fears. I can see why you want to beat me and become the number-one superhero again. You love the fame; you love the glory; you love the life. Honestly, seeing it through your eyes, who wouldn't? Too bad you're not gonna get that far, but I thought you might like to know how I was right: You are a farce. You're in this for fun, like me." Pubic Enemy said.
"I'm not like you. I fight for the citizens of Royal Woods, you kill for sport and profit." Ace Savvy groaned.
"Good, bad; it's all the same. There's the principled, and then there's the tourists. The principled fight for truth, justice, and the American way; all that jazz. Fact is, though, that only exists in the comic books. Nobody actually gives two shits about principle. For the tourists; it's about money, and we're all tourists. Me? I'll admit it gladly. You? You think you're a principled one, but you're just a tourist. I know, I've been there; your life, that is. Speaking of which, I've grown tired of this fight, so, now, I'm gonna take it!"
"Hey, babyface!" A voice shouted.
Looking to see who had called the insult, Ace Savvy and Pubic Enemy looked to see Ronnie Anne holding a slingshot filled with a wad of grey hair, originating from the crotch of Bud Grouse. Pubic Enemy did not notice the crablice within the hair, a fact that would have saved him from what was about to happen if he had known.
"Eat this!" Ronnie Anne said.
Releasing her grip on the slingshot, Ronnie Anne fired the hairball into the mouth of Pubic Enemy, hitting her target dead-on. Taking the hint from Ronnie Anne's choice of words, Ace Savvy grabbed Pubic Enemy's mouth and nose, gripping both extremely tightly. Unable to breathe out of either orfice, Pubic Enemy was forced to swallow the hairball, letting it fall down his gullet.
"Sorry, Pube, but your efforts were off by a hair." Ace Savvy said.
Upon swallowing the hairball, Pubic Enemy began to feel the crablice bite and claw at his throat, causing an allergic reaction from the bites of the bugs and swelling his throat in an instant. Barely able to breathe or swallow, Pubic Enemy began choking and coughing heavily, just barely able to breathe with his throat completely closed up.
"Crablice... Allergic to crablice... How did you..." Pubic Enemy struggled.
Worse than realizing the fact that he had consumed crablice was soon to come, by way of the hairs that he had consumed. Taking in the memories and life of Bug Grouse, Pubic Enemy began to feel the entire length of pain and misery that he had received from the Louds over the years; unable to stand the constant annoyance and lack of peace in the life of an old man.
Where Bud Grouse had to live out these horrors over years of his life, Pubic Enemy was forced to live them all in an instant; far too much to take in at once and far too horrible than any life or memory he had ever consumed before. As his mind began to unravel at the seams, Pubic Enemy fell back in defeat, leaving whatever consciousness laid in his mind completely gone.
Now, lying defeated on the ground, Pubic Enemy remained only in a catatonic state, and whatever threat he once served completely removed.
Having finished her goal of saving her boyfriend, Ronnie Anne picked Ace Savvy off the ground, wrapping one of his arms around her shoulders. Finally making his way back on his feet again, and being brought into the arms of the girl he loved most, the spade-spannered hero began to let out a small but genuine smile.
"You... saved me?" Ace Savvy asked.
"Well, duh, Lame-O. I still love you." Ronnie Anne said.
"Really? You mean it?"
"I just shaved off an old man's crabby pubes to save your life. I think that's a pretty clear sign that I still love you."
After letting out a short, hearty laugh, Ace Savvy groaned in pain; still suffering greatly from his own injuries.
"Oh, crap. Hang on, there's a paramedic right-" Ronnie Anne began to say.
"No, no, I don't need that. Get me to a power source." Ace Savvy said.
"A... power source?"
"Yeah, I touch that, I'm fine. Hey, how about the electric meter over there?"
Taking Ace Savvy to the Loud House's electric meter as requested, Ronnie Anne set the spade-spannered hero beside it, allowing him the opportunity to heal himself. Having his energy resources depleted, Ace Savvy grabbed hold of the meter, taking some energy from it to replenish himself, while simultaneously running it up to ungodly levels.
As the energy entered his body, the many cuts, bruises, and wounds that he had suffered from the fight had all managed to heal themselves up, with even the bullet in his arm dropping out from its hole. Feeling the energy heal his body once again, Ace Savvy leaned backwards and gave his back a crack, stretching himself out after a long fight.
"Ah... That's much better. Thanks." Ace Savvy said.
"Wow, dude, you can heal just by sucking up electricity?" Ronnie Anne asked.
"Or eating a lot, or absorbing explosions or fire, or a lot of other cool stuff."
"Well, Lame-O, hope you're feeling plenty better after that little recharge, because you've got to tell me all about everything with this superhero stuff."
"Yes, I think Lincoln might need to sit down for a long, long time until he fully explains himself." Rita said.
Hearing the stern voice of his mother run through his ears, Ace Savvy quickly realized that, now that his secret was out, he would have much to answer for on his own exploits. Seeing the angry faces of his parents look back at him did not make this task any easier.
"Aw, dangit." Ace Savvy said.