XXX.
I'm here because I want you back.
The words didn't make any sense, but Judith still wrapped around her other arm tightly against her upper side, Amanda lowered her gun. Because the bastard's other declaration had made sense, that she wasn't going to shoot, not when O'Donnell, Licari, and Jeffries were all pointing guns at Rick and Carl.
She—knew it. She fucking did. Though she guessed it was about the time too, the face off she'd been waiting for a time, so her hand still tight around the gun, Amanda turned aside, taking a step, and reached out to give Judith to Beth, standing a few feet behind her.
She sensed Gorman's eyes following her, as she did, then landed on Beth. Amanda wanted to gauge his eyes out of their sockets, her stomach twisting, but holding on her anger, she turned back to the slimeball in front of her. She had to play smart. They had the numbers, and the guns. She still had the gun, and Beth had hers, but Rick and Carl weren't out of the dangers. Rick might get himself and Rick out of the way if she decided to act quickly, but it was too risky—just too risky especially when they had Judith, as well.
Besides, Gorman was playing nice. He really wanted something from her. That much was plain obvious. He hadn't taken the gun from her.
She motioned with her head, "If you want to talk, this's not a good way to start a conversation—pointing guns at my friends—" she said, trying to keep her voice cool.
"That's only a precaution—" the bastard said in return, then paused, "But, right, lemme show you my good intentions—" He gestured at O'Donnell, "Let the boy go."
O'Donnell pushed Carl back towards Beth as Rick sent them a glower, the stern blue eyes glinting dangerously, and even in his situation, it was a sight to behold.
The other two made Rick walk toward them. "You see—I even kept Sheriff alive—" the damn bastard remarked further, then paused, his brows furrowing as Rick sent him another glower, "Are you, right?" he asked to Rick, turning aside as they got him sit on the ground on his knees a few feet away beside her.
"The Sheriff?" the sonofabitch asked, "We didn't get time for introductions in the woods, but I think it's you."
"Yes, it's me—" Rick said with a voice cutting, "What—"
Gorman interrupted him, turning back to her, "See—how reasonable I was, Mandy?" he asked with a sickly sweet tone, "I heard about the Death Wing, how Sheriff cleared it—" He paused again, a vile smirk touching at his lips, his round cheeks reddish—still clean-everything clean—their everything clean—hair, clothes, skin—everything, and for a second she felt… she felt…angry—and how—how they would look so clean when they were so…dirty. It wasn't fair! The contempt was there—but underneath…underneath…she felt it, too… the bitter jealousy…like she used to feel seeing seemingly happy families in the picnics—all pretending—knowing who cheated on who, who lied on who, who hated who, all the while looking happy, and she hated it…she hated she felt it… "Thank you by the way—" Gorman went on mockingly at Rick, "We appreciated it greatly."
The mocking tone, the way they had risked everything—the way Dawn had made them clear the warehouse, her contempt and jealousy…everything—everything assaulted her all at once, and she spat, "Cut the bullshit, Gorman—" She took a step further toward him, "What do you want? Say it openly."
"I told you—" the man said back, not taken aback, "I want you back."
"You want me back?" she repeated, not believing a second, "Seriously you want me back?"
"Well, Amanda—" the bastard told her then, "You can be a pain in the ass, but you're a good cop. And—" he paused, "I'm in a dire need of good cops."
She shook her head, "You—you tried to kill me three times!" she spat back, "You killed Lamson!"
The man flinched back, as if he was hurt, "Only twice—" he corrected with another sick smile, "The first time I just didn't save you, but I didn't mean to shoot you, really." He paused, "The second and third times—well, they were nothing personal—" he went on like he was talking about the weather— "You and Lamson forced my hands. I had no choice." His eyes bore through her then, almost accusing, "You two started this. I ended."
Her hand on the gun tightened, "You—you—"
The man took a step forward her, cutting her, "Why, Shepherd, you knew damn well not to disturb our status quo like that!" as Rick made a move to stand up, but Licari raised his gun higher in the air in return. "We had a very delicate balance!"
"Status quo!" she spat again, "Status quo…as long as it keeps you happy, huh?"
He reached out a hand at her, "I know I've been hard to deal with lately—and with Joan—but all I wanted to have a little bit appreciation, Amanda—" he remarked, almost hurtful as she looked at him incredulous, "Joan and I—we had a very…complicated relationship."
Anger swept all over her even further… And she fucking hated that word! "C-c-complicated?" she sputtered out the word, "You called what you did to her that?"
"That's between me and my girlfriend—" he told her back, a dark glint entering into his eyes, "Speaking of which, where is she? I heard she left with you."
"She's not here—" she answered quickly, "I haven't seen her for days."
Days—two days… it wasn't even a lie.
The bastard let out a sigh, "Well, she made her choice, I guess—" he said, and looked at her again, "I'm not here for her anyways." His eyes stayed on her eyes, "I'm here for you."
She narrowed her eyes. "Speaking of which—" She returned his words back in a sneer, "Why? Why are you here?" She paused, her eyes narrowing further, "Was it you? You brought rotters onto us?" She'd known it—she'd fucking known it.
But the bastard barked out a laugh, "Don't flatter yourself! I wouldn't risk that much for you. We were coming to check the house. Then we saw you. I was going to come to talk then, but when rotters came, we waited out for the night."
"So what, it was just a coincidence?" she spat back, but a part of her knew that the bastard had told the truth. He—he hadn't risked that much for her. She'd thought of him before, but when it came to think of it—it really didn't make sense.
"It's a small world—" the sonofabitch said, shrugging. She glared at him. This—this was fucking ridiculous. She'd made him a promise. She wanted to kill him! This—their face-off shouldn't have been like this. She—she should just rip off his dick and make him eat it… She—she shouldn't have been talking to him like two friends catching up on each other.
It was wrong. And she didn't understand, either. It didn't make any sense. They hated each other. For a long time. He'd wanted her gone—had left her to dead. He'd tried to kill her. Three fucking times. He would've never wanted her back unless—unless…
Then she understood.
Of course.
God, she had grown stupider, the tolls of the last days and Rick had made her slow. She'd been much quicker than this! She started laughing, "Oh, this's good—" She sneered between mocking laughs, "You lost the control, didn't you?" she taunted him, "Of course you did… No one likes cop killers, right?"
Gorman gave her a sick smile back, still not taken aback, "Well—remember what Dawn always used to say?" he asked her back, "It's not easy to make everyone happy." He faked a sigh, "You must see the glares McGinley keeps throwing at me. You'd expect him already realize it was already a lost cause, but you know him—was still hoping to get into your pants one day."
She sent him a glare, even though the words must've been true. McGinley had been trying that for a long, long time—even before the turn—never losing his hope, and had a soft spot for her. He was the first one Lamson had managed to convince to come with them to the warehouse.
And all of it was still so bizarre, so wrong she didn't even know what to think… "So, you want me back—" she said, shaking her head, "To make things smooth again?" she questioned, and noticed with horror that she sounded…a bit…intrigued? No. No!
She would never—ever go back to Grady!
Never!
Gorman shrugged, "Well, what we all caused has created even deeper fractions, Shepherd. You see our dilemma is still the same. I guess—I can…kill McGinley and all the rest, but then we'd need to do every shit all by ourselves—" He gestured at their other colleagues with his head, standing behind Rick, "Not pragmatic—" he confessed, "We have to find a common ground. So, yeah, I want you back. We could do it together. You know we could. We get everything back together the way it's supposed to."
She shook her head, "It didn't work the first time, Gorman—" she said back, all pretenses falling, her voice deadly seriously, "You only got worse and worse. Why it should work this time?"
"Because we've all changed, haven't we?" he asked back in seriousness, "I know I—lost my way—but so have you, Amanda. It's time we make a fresh start." He paused, "I won, Amanda—but it doesn't finish. I understand this isn't the way. I really could've killed you two—take the boy and girl—" He pointed at her back where Beth and Carl were standing, "and be done with it, but I didn't. Because I want you back."
She shook her head again, "It doesn't work this way." He—he had hurt people, killed people. Killed Lamson and Tyreese. Even though she could trust him, they wouldn't have just forgotten the past. It—it didn't work like that.
"Says who?" but the man said back, "We decide now how it works…no one else…" He gave her a careful look, wandering his eyes all over her, "Look at yourself!" Taking another step closer to her, he dropped his voice into a whisper, "Are you going to do what? Wander in the woods like vagabonds?" he continued, pressing further, "I know you—" He made a vague gesture with his head around the woods, "This's not you. You must be hating every second of this."
The words angered her even further… She…was…she was hating it, but… "You don't know me—" she rasped out, low in her throat.
He had never. The idiot each year had placed bets when she would've turned to dirty, and each time Amanda had made him lose it. He didn't know her. He never did.
"Don't I?" he asked back, "Before the turn when Lamson wanted to buy you a pet for your birthday, wanted to give you a dog—something to make you care for… I said, man, are you trying to make her lose her shit! Buy her a fish, a turtle or something." He laughed, shaking his head, as her eyes suddenly started burning, talking like this…in front of everyone… mocking her…making fun of her like this… "He bought a goldfish then."
"You're an asshole, Gorman—" she spat with venom.
"So are you, Shepherd—" he shot back with a shrug, "and you've never denied it before."
She looked at him in the eye, "I've changed." As the words left her mouth, she realized it was the truth. I guess getting shot at makes you do that—reconsider your life choices… she recalled her words in the bathroom. She—she'd almost died—twice. It—it'd changed things. It'd changed her.
Her understanding was no moment of divine self-realization though, it—it was just another fact—like evolution—like she had evolved into something, nothing a light switch, but becoming … something else… She hoped it was for better.
"Leave her alone—" Suddenly Rick talked with a deep grumble of rasp, pulling back at his feet ignoring the gun pointing at him, and this time Gorman let him as he was still looking back at her, "She said no."
Gorman turned to him, "Did she?" he asked back, "I still didn't hear her say no…" He twisted at her, "Didn't I, Mandy—?"
Rick fixed at him a look coldly, "She did—" he stated firmly, "You only didn't hear it." He paused for a second, his eyes skipping at hers for a split of second, "And if you thought even for a second that she would've really come back with you, you've never ever known her."
His words made her chest swell so inappropriately for their current situation, but she couldn't help it as a smile broke her lips too—for a second, she almost pulled at him against her, and wanted to kiss him madly… Instead, she only smiled a bit further, "No, he hasn't—" she said, shaking her head, "He used to place bets to see when I'd turn to dirty and each time he lost—" He turned to the bastard, "Didn't you, Johnny?"
He shot at her a glare. "Perhaps I'd really just kill you two, and take the kids—" he spat back, his hand going to his hip.
Amanda always had been faster than him. She raised her gun again. "I suggest not—" she said back, pointing the gun at his head as he did the same at her. Trying to keep herself calm, she raised her voice, so others could hear her, as well, "We take each other out, then Rick makes the rest of you regret ever crossing your paths with him—" she bluffed, her stomach twisting, and it was a very good thing that Rick really looked like a proper sonofabitch who would do such a thing even with all guns pointing at him, keeping up his own frame, "You don't have any idea what he's capable of. You just heard the story. I saw it. I'm warning you." She stressed out, rising her voice even higher, "You better go now."
Rick just stood there, and looked at him, and Amanda didn't need to add anything.
"You'll regret this—" Gorman told her, giving her a last look.
Amanda shook her head, "No, I won't."
The bastard turned on his heels then they started walking away. For a moment or so, she thought of killing him—killing him just at his back, she really wanted to kill him, but the next second she lowered the gun again.
She heaved out deeply, quite no understanding what had happened—how it had ended—and almost waited them to come back—started shooting… She looked at Rick—who had pulled out Lizzie's gun, too, as if waiting the same thing—then soon they vanished through the trees.
She then started trembling—her whole body. Her visions blackened, she couldn't even stop trembles running over her—and her legs buckling, for a second, she feared she was going to collapse but Rick caught her at her waist before she dropped on her knees.
"Carl—" he called out at the boy, twisting aside, holding her at his side, and he made her walk back toward the tree, "Bring water—"
Water—she was thirsty—and hungry… That was it.
God!
Had this—had this just happened?
It felt as if whatever the strengthen that had put her back together in the last two days had suddenly vaporized off her, and she felt mushy—couldn't even walk properly… Rick eased her down against the tree as Carl gave her water. It was a dirty bottle they had found somewhere, she guessed, but she didn't question it anymore… that was her life… the life she had accepted…
She closed her eyes, trying to take the bottle with trembling hands—and brought the open lid to her lips. "Amanda—are you okay?" she heard Rick ask.
She took a sip in the darkness, feel the wetness over her dry paper tongue, "I don't know—" she murmured, resting her head back against the tree, "Ask me the next time."
# # #
For the next two hours, her head over Beth's lap, still bundled in his jacket, Amanda slept.
Rick knew it was more passing out than sleep as her exhausted sleep deprived body finally gave in after her…bizarre confrontation with that bastard, and without not knowing what else to do, Rick let her.
He turned aside and checked Carl who were walking around Judith in his arms as their baby girl had gotten upset again, even though she wasn't hungry anymore. After the men had left, Rick had made a mash with pecans they'd gathered, using berries and also acorn's dusting Beth had prepared and fed the girl. He'd also rationed it with Mika, Beth, and Carl, saving for Amanda—leaving himself off. He knew they couldn't keep on like this, but for now, there was little else he could do.
Amanda needed to rest—let the encounter go off her system, and there was the issue with Daryl. He'd hoped the tracker might have found them until now—it was getting closer to noon, but so far no one had come. He didn't want to think the worst, but he knew he had to ready himself for it as well.
He shook his head inwardly. His eyes skipped at Amanda again. His insides twisted again, thinking of what would've happened this morning if she couldn't have managed to send the men off. The way she'd used his…reputation made him even angrier with himself, as if…as if he'd failed them even worse, again, couldn't have protected them, getting caught like an idiot in the woods— preoccupied, his guard down—thoughts in his mind.
Thoughts regarding the woman who was sleeping a few feet away from him. Dread found him again when he'd understood the cops had taken them indeed those bastards—he'd known—as soon as he'd seen uniforms, but the confirmation had come like a blow—another failure—leaving Amanda dealing with it that way.
The man's words had filled him with anger—the way he taunted her or the way he thought she would've really gone back with them… leave them… leave him… She…she was having this harder than any of them, and things between them. There was that look in her eyes, a tiredness and something else…like a…yearning when he'd caught her staring at the cops' uniforms, and for a second Rick had felt dread…then she'd said…
I've changed.
And the bastards mocking words had echoed in him too—Something to make you care for.
But Rick had realized then. She hadn't changed. She'd only shown her true colors, let herself…let herself care. She'd been always this woman, a caring person who was trying to do her best even in the worst conditions.
They'd never understood her, perhaps only his partner, and it broke his heart, and also had made him furious, the bastard even thinking of her capable of accepting his offer, accepting to return that place after all the things he'd done just because it wouldn't been easier that way.
No. Amanda wanted things to be simple, not easy.
Suddenly the urge to go and make her lay over his lap was so strong Rick had to turn his eyes down on the ground so he couldn't see her like that—he…he wanted her, but it wasn't rushing desire anymore like the last night, making him feel everything so…so alive. No, it was a gentle warmness, kind and gentle, effortless… He wanted to crawl behind her, wrap his arms around her as she lay on her side, secured her tightly against his chest like he'd used to do to Lori—
The thought hit at him a like a ton of brick, and he sucked in a sharp breath, suddenly feeling ashamed and furious at him—thinking like this… He—he…what kind of a bastard he was—thinking like this even now?
He—he had to get this shit together. He—he was no use to anyone like this. They'd flirted with another disaster this morning, almost had gotten their asses whooped only because he had fucked up again, let his guard down and got captured.
First, he needed to get them to safety—his family. There was nothing more important than that, then he—he would ask her again?
She—she'd told him so…hadn't said no.
He shook his head. Later. It wasn't time for this.
And they needed to decide what to do the next. They couldn't sit down and wait any longer. They needed to act, not just…react to things happening to them. That never boded well. So, slowly, he lifted his head back, and approached them.
She had to wake up. He didn't want to do that. He wanted to give her time to recuperate, pull herself back together, but there was no time.
There's no time…his words echoed over the static, but he pushed it away, as well. That—that had to wait. Though the suspicion was already there—echoing back…you know what happened the last time you waited.
Inwardly, Rick shook his head again.
No. It—it had to wait. They—they couldn't do it—not now—not when things were like this. They—they had to wait.
Clearing his head, silencing the thoughts contradicting each other, he knelt in front of Beth's knees, and held Amanda's shoulder lightly. Her face—even sleep had a guarded expression, a tightness around her lips as if she knew even in sleep, she couldn't let her guard down.
It pained him too see her like this, as well, the bitter taste of failure finding him again, failing all of them…but Rick pushed it away, as well. He was no use to anyone like this. They—needed him.
You don't have any idea what he's capable of. You just heard the story. I saw it.
Was that how she really felt about him, he wondered, or just words to make her bluff to scare the men away, he didn't know, he couldn't be sure, but somewhere deep in his chest, he wished they had been true—that she really felt like that. It made him feel a little bit less of…failure.
He gave her a gentle shake as Carl also got closer, realizing his father finally was making a move, and his boy knew what that meant, too. Carl had been giving them fleeting looks since Amanda had quasi passed out, quasi fallen asleep closing her eyes, resting her head against the tree, and Rick also knew there were still questions and suspicions in his son's eyes—thoughts…but they were going to have to wait, as well.
Especially until he got things clear with Amanda. Rick didn't want to make things get harder with Carl—if…if they decided not to—pursue anything, but let things die. Knowing Amanda—and her…issues with wanting things to be simple, Rick was also aware, that was quite a possible, too. All in honesty, he still didn't know if he was ready for a relationship himself either, so…
Later… he told himself… It was a discussion for later. Not for now.
He gave another shake, this time a bit harder, and she made out a whimpering throaty groan—her brows pulling in slightly—and Rick forced himself not to stare at her—imaging the way she would make such a groan, as well—
He stopped himself.
That wasn't a good thing to think now, either! Definitely not!
"Amanda—" he called at her, shaking her shoulder again, "Amanda—wake up."
With another soft moan, blinking her eyes, "Wh—what?" she groaned out, then looked at him—and Rick saw confusion in the depths of her greens, "What happened?" she rasped out, moving her eyes from his up at Beth's… "Beth?"
The young girl gave her a kind smile, "You fell asleep—"
A frown tightened her brows, "Did I?"
Beth nodded. Amanda shook her head, and brought a hand over her temples. Rick gave her a critical look, "Headache?" he asked.
Closing her eyes, she nodded, "Yeah." She put a hand down on the ground, started pushing herself upward.
"You need to drink more water, and eat—" Rick told her, and turned aside to Carl, "Carl, can you bring the mash we spared for Amanda?"
Amanda looked at them, "How long I've been sleeping?"
"Two hours or so—" Rick replied, and asked, "How ya feeling now?"
She gave off a little shrug, "Better, I guess—" then her eyes stayed on his, "You should've woken me earlier."
He gave her a dismissal head shake, "Yeah…you were barely standing up."
She sent him a glare, but before she could make a comeback, Beth came in, shaking her head, "I can't believe they left like that!" the young girl whispered out, "I—I got so scared all hell would lose again."
Amanda gave a bitter snort, "You tell me—" She shook her head— "I still can't believe what's happened."
"It's happened—" Rick stared, trying to keep his voice gentle but firm. They had to move on now, "We need to talk what we're going to do—" he continued, as Carl came back bringing the mash to Amanda, still holding Judith.
Amanda took the leaf-plate they'd placed the mash, and gave a look at Judith, "She ate?" she questioned.
Carl nodded. "Yeah. Dad fed her."
She nodded, and brought the leaf over her nose and sniffed, "Smells…nice—" she remarked, "What's in it?" she inquired.
"Pecans, acorn grind, berries, and water."
"Well, sounds…healthy—" she said, looking at it down with tight lips, but didn't come any other comment.
Rick remembered the bastard's remark. You must be hating every second of it… "So…Daryl hasn't come yet?" she asked, her head still bowed as she pushed inside the mash her forefinger, then brought to her lips, and touched the mash at her fingertip with her tongue to taste it…
Rick forced himself not to look at it—really did… the way the tip of her tongue touched the grinded and mashed nuts and berries…
Rick almost swallowed—but forced himself to push it down, as well… It was just a gesture—a little gesture—tiniest second—nothing more…nothing more… "Uh. No."
She paused for a second then sucked her finger. She lifted her head, looking at him, "This's actually not bad—" she said, taking her forefinger inside the mash again, wandering her eyes around them, "What kind of berries is that?"
"Blueberries—" Carl said back, "That's what it's sweet. I found them—" he paused, "Before they found us."
Her finger stopped, "Ah."
She gulped, "I—I'm sorry—" she mumbled the next.
"Why?" Carl asked back, giving her a look, pushing Judith up in his arms, "It wasn't your fault."
Amanda gave her a look, then nodded, "Yeah, you're right. Not my fault—" she admitted, as Rick narrowed his eyes a bit, "Yet…you know—you feel responsible." She took another mass around her finger and quickly brought it toward her lips, "So…what're we gonna do?" she asked, swallowing her food.
"We can't stay here for another night—" Rick stated then, "We need to find supplies, a roof over our heads."
She nodded, "I agree—" she said, "We—we return to the town we stayed last night?" and asked, pushing her finger again in the mash, "We could arrive there until the set down, stay in a house, then started looking others the next morning at the tracks." She paused, "That's where Daryl went too. We can find him there perhaps."
Rick nodded, "Yeah—" he said, "I guess, that's the best. We—we'll leave him a sign. Let him know we were here in case—to make him know that we were here."
She stopped before she brought her finger at her lips again, and looked at it… Then shook her head, "No… Got a better idea—" She lifted her head up at him, "But we need a rotter again."
# # #
"Ya okay, right?" Rick asked, giving her a careful look, crouched over the rotter's body, "You can stay with Beth if you're not—" he continued, holding the knife over the dead's rotting torso, "I got this."
Amanda shook her head, "No. I'm good—" she…lied. She wasn't good—and all in frankness, another dissecting of a rotter was the last thing she needed right now, but she had already almost passed out in front of them like a trembling sissy, so she wasn't going to admit it now, "Go on."
Nodding, Rick turned to the rotter without another word.
They were alone now. Carl had taken the watch, Beth had brought the kids away, so they couldn't see this again, though all of them were still at their angle of vision—as neither she or Rick were willing to let them go out of their sight even for a second.
Nope.
What had happened this morning was enough—for a lifetime.
She couldn't still believe—couldn't still believe it had finished like this, but perhaps she shouldn't have been this surprised. Gorman had been always a coward, a caitiff, had been avoided any direct conflict as much as Amanda herself. The notion itself made her lips turn down—having anything in common with that bastard, but it was the truth. The man hadn't lied when he'd told Lamson and she had started this.
She pushed the sonofabitch out of her mind, like Rick had said, he wasn't important. She looked at down at the rotter, "Do—do you think he—he didn't—?" Amanda then asked because she didn't want to believe it.
Rick's hands halted over the rotter's belly, "I—I don't know." He paused, "I—I like to believe he's not. Daryl's a tough guy."
Amanda nodded. She also thought the same. The roughish hunter would have an air that nothing—nothing would ever stop him. If he died—if someone else died because of her—plans again—she didn't want to think of it. She hadn't forced anyone, yes, the man had accepted it—and like she'd told Carl, it wouldn't have been her fault, either, but still, she felt responsible.
I've changed.
She guessed that was another side effect. Feeling responsible, the very thing she'd always run away from… Something to make you care for. The slimeball bastard's words played in her mind, and Amanda almost let out a frustrated sneer out.
The way he'd mocked her made her furious, but it wasn't nothing next to knowing the man had been telling the truth—that she might've lost her shit, not knowing what to do if Lamson had bought her a dog.
Dogs—dogs needed too much caring… like babies… You needed to take them out every morning and night, had to play with them, feed them—needed to bring them to pet shops to trim their furs, and vets to make sure they were all okay. Hell, it really sounded like having baby…
She let out a sigh, and gutting the rotter, Rick darted at her glance, "I—I'm sorry for this morning, Amanda—" he told her then softly.
She wanted to sigh again, but settled with a head shake, "It wasn't your fault, either, Rick," she told him back.
Rick nodded, "Yes, but I feel responsible, too—" he told her words back to her, his eyes skipping at hers again.
She exhaled this time, "I know." She shook her head, too, "Guess we're both suckers, huh?" she asked with a small smile, rueful and tried, and he reflected it back at her.
"Yeah."
She sighed out again, "You know—he was right—partly… I'm—uh—I'm hating every second of this—" she murmured, looking at the corpse behind their feet.
He turned back to the rotter, and pushed his right hand through the cut he'd made inside it—getting blood and others stuff to use as paint, and shook his head, "Don't worry about it—" he told her back, his voice sounding almost…airy, "No one likes this, believe me."
She made out a little light laugh, "Yeah…there's that too…" she murmured then paused…
Then words left her the words left her mouth out of thin air, much like how it happened with him, "Rick—uh—what you said—" she said with a low voice, "About—me—not knowing me for a bit if he thought even for a second I would've gone with him—" she clarified, feeling the heat rushing at her again, but she had to tell him—she…felt the need…
She wanted him to know how much it'd meant for her hearing it, how it'd made her chest swell… though she couldn't seem to find the words as she stopped, looking at him in silence… She bowed her head then, and uttered out what came to her mind first, "I—I liked hearing it." She paused for a second, then lifted her head up, "It meant a lot."
Then again, she was rewarded with another patent Rick Grime's look, keen inquisitive eyes looking at you carefully, measuring you carefully, assessing you carefully, but this time Amanda didn't run her gaze away. She had no idea what she was doing—or why she was doing it—aside that knowing she shouldn't be doing it…
Yet she still wasn't stopping doing it… "Amanda—" he called at her then after the brief pause, lowering his voice a tone down, as well, "I—when we find a place, I want to ask you again," he then declared, and her heart started fastened in her chest—her stomach twisting, and she felt her palms sweating. She swallowed. "Can I?" he asked, "Can I ask you again?"
She nodded quickly, heat rising out of her, "You can—" she said back, but pausing as she swallowed once again, she continued, "But I don't think you should wait," she then said, "In fact, I think we need to do…something now."
Though, Rick shook his head, his eyes skipping at the dead body, "No—this's not a good time, Amanda."
She shrugged, and told him honestly what she felt, "Well—I think we should at least have sex."
—and Rick stared…
# # #
"What?"
"Y-you heard me-" she said back, and cleared her throat before continuing, trying to keep herself calm, but it was harder than done, "We—need to have sex, Rick…" she declared, and paused a little, trying to sort her thoughts, "We—we've become too much distracted," she told him truthfully, "I—I saw how you looked at me today while I ate. And last night…you know what happened last night… We almost had sex in front of two teenagers, a kid and a baby." She gave another pause, keeping Beth's knowledge at herself, "Sometimes… sometimes not having sex complicates things too—" she reasoned further, "This tension between us… it makes things harder for us. And—uh-" she breathed out, this time running her eyes away, "I—uh—kinda missed sex, too… So…"
When she turned her eyes back at him, she saw him looking at her with a smile, his hand completely stopped… "You—you all thought about this—thoroughly, didn't you?"
She shrugged, "Well—I—uh—I had to convince myself first—" she said, giving him a look, "And I'm not easily convinced."
He shook his head, "I know."
She looked at him in the eye, "So—what do you say?"
"I'm—kinda blown away right now, Amanda—"
"You don't want it?" she asked back with a frown, interrupting him.
He shook his head this time exasperated, "Of course I want it. I thought I made it clear."
"So what's the problem—?" She paused, "You—you already must know what's my answer's gonna be—" she told him with a narrowed look, "Don't play clueless."
Another head shake, "It's not that—"
She raised her hands up in the air a little, "What's it then?"
He gestured with his head, "How?" then asked, "How we're gonna do it, Amanda?" His eyes stared at him, "Do—do you want us to leave the kids alone to have sex?"
Ah… "I—" She shook her head too, tucking one side of her hair back over her ear, and the gesture…felt…strange… "I—I haven't thought of…logistics yet."
Rick nodded, "I know. We—we're gonna wait until we find others again—" he told her, "Then—then we'll talk about it."
She exhaled, and agreed, "'Kay."
He pushed back at his feet, holding his bloodied hand in front of him in the air, and asked, "So—what we leave for him?" he asked, completely changing the topic from…sex.
Amanda let him. Perhaps…she'd been just stupid. But she'd felt—she'd felt they needed to do it. She didn't want to wait. It'd been a while, and she…she'd changed…so…she wanted to see how much.
Goddammit—she really wanted to have sex with him! Not only fuck. Perhaps…even sleep…? A sort of relationship?
She had no idea what she exactly wanted, but the fact was that she could hardly find out if she hadn't tried first. And she wanted—she wanted to find out…wanted to see…
Granted they couldn't date or anything, and there was still Carl—hell—they didn't even seem to have sex….but…but… She gave herself a mental head shake, and shrugged, "Uh—go to the tracks?" she suggested.
Well, that was where they were going at least.
Rick nodded and started getting closer toward the tree she'd been sleeping an hour ago—then they heard Carl's shout— "DAD!" the boy called for his father, "Dad! It's Daryl. He's come back!" There was a pause, then another exclaimed, "Oh my god! He's found others!"
They both spun on their heels at the same time—and Amanda stared—and her eyes started watering—then suddenly the tears broke…
She ran forward as her tears ran over her cheeks too, "JOAN!" she cried out, "JOAN!"
With open arms, Amanda hugged her friend.
So, yeah, Daryl is back with Joan and others...? AND, okay, lemme announce here the next chapter Rick and Amanda WILL have some quality time together without interruption! FINALLY. I kept giggling at myself writing them discussing the logistics of having sex in the woods, with no one else around to watch the kids as Amanda reasons with him why they should have sex *now*. He he, thank god Daryl is back, so they could sneak away now :D
BUT it was the time-I wanted Gorman made them to move the next step, accepting a few things, especially Amanda's confession that she'd changed, and I also didn't want it to end in a bloodshed as Gorman is also a coward.
The theme of *becoming something else* is actually what I'm playing both with Amanda and Rick-as they're both *becoming*-Amanda learning how to accept to care-and Rick embracing his own violent nature, and Lori's death as well. It's also inspired by a Batman line, "I'm not hiding, I'm becoming."
Let me know what you think, if you don't mind, I'm *dying* to hear it :D