Ch 49

Ben

I was walking around Rey's mind. Her mind was very calm, I was on a wide-open field. Above my head there was a clear blue sky, but it was tinted with sparse, dark clouds and a strong wind was blowing. It was cold, a harsh contrast with the sunny warmth of the open field.

I could hear the harsh wind speak to me, each word cut like a shard of ice.

You are such a burden. I don't know why I married you, you aren't strong enough to live without me.

It was Rey's voice.

You are so ungrateful, I wish I had parents like yours. You threw their love away, their loyalty to you. I hate what you did to them. I hate you.

She hated me…everything she had ever told me was a lie?

Grow up Ben… no matter what happens, or what has happened, you will always be a child in a mask….

I screamed, and I felt some power surge through me and out of my chest. It felt like when we exploded the ship on Pasana.

I looked up and suddenly the clouds grew darker and denser, like rain was approaching.

I always have to drag you out of the pit YOU put yourself in. I always have to come rescue you… I always have to do everything, and you give NOTHING…

The rain began to fall hard, it fell like the time we fought on the skeleton of the old Death Star. It beat against me relentlessly, I tried to raise my hand to at least shield my face from the rain. I tried to look around but there was nothing for miles, just some trees in the distance.

I needed to get out of this rain, something was telling me this wasn't right.

I started to walk towards the trees but with every step, the ground under me kept feeling like mush and mud and like it might give out at any moment. Eventually I felt my legs get wet and I looked down, realizing instantly that everything around me was flooding, and quickly.

I attempted to run, but the cold water and how fast it was rising made that impossible, by the time it got to my waist I started to swim.

No matter how fast I swam the water kept rising fast, the trees seemed to be getting further and further away. I was getting tired of fighting the strong current, I wanted to give up and just let the water do as it wanted with me.

Yes! Let go! You have to let everything go, let go of what you fear to lose… only then will you be free of this burden… let it all go…

Her voice this time wasn't full poison, it came with… peace and calm… a clear opposition to this stormy sea I was in.

My arms stopped stroking and I began to let things go, I let it all go. The guilt I felt for killing my parents, the pain I put Rey through. The fear of failing again and being a burden to anyone.

Even the fear of her hating me again, so what if she did? She had every right, she was entitled to her feelings and I was entitled to mine and we had to learn to be okay with that.

She may have good or bad feelings towards me or towards other things, we may disagree on everything, or agree on just as much. We were two different people, but we were intricately connected.

And we had to be okay with nothing being private and navigating those thoughts and feelings.

But I was so tired of everything, I was tired of depending on someone for anything, I wish I could be my own person.

I drowned on these thoughts and with that, I let myself go under the water, falling deeper and deeper into the dark water.

Rey

I opened my eyes and realized it was night time, I looked around and saw that Ben's eyes were still closed. I took a deep breath and decided maybe it was time to go inside, I needed some time to think.

I walked back into the bunker and headed for the 'fresher. My body was still extremely sore, and I could feel just how tired I was, I needed to sleep. I didn't want to deal with the things I saw in Bens mind, but I knew we would have to talk about it eventually.

I got out of the shower and dried and brushed my hair as best as I could and put my sleeping shirt back on. I walked into the bedroom and was disappointed to find that it was empty.

I half-hoped and half feared Ben would be back. I knew we needed to have a difficult conversation, but I also just wanted to be held and feel safe for just one moment, in his arms.

I went to our makeshift bed and laid down, my mind somehow taking me to the events of the night before. To that beautiful feeling of physical unity.

I wanted to feel that again but… I had a feeling it wouldn't happen right now, and a tear slipped down my cheek at the thought. It wasn't just the physical pleasure I wanted, it was this deep sense of intimacy that I had never felt with anyone before. In that moment of making love, it truly felt like we were one body, one mind, and now, one soul.

I laid on my side and fell asleep with thoughts of how much I missed Ben in this moment and how much I wanted to be lost in his embrace.