Chapter 8: Fear of You

Gailien pulls Bilbo into a tight hug. "Thank you," she says. "I will see you in the morning."

"You don't need help packing?" Gailien shakes her head with a small smile to thank for his offer. "Would you like me to tell them or will you be alright speaking with them."

"I can do it," she affirms. "I'm not scared of them. I just…struggle to remember that sometimes."

Gailien spent the next hour after returning to her chambers with Bilbo, telling him everything without restraint. Bilbo, as he always has been, was the perfect listener and did not throw any blame on her. He explained what she already guessed – that the past few events have been traumatic, and her body is still trying to cope. Reliving past events are not uncommon among warriors, he told her. Kili was right – she isn't well. But that raised the question of how she is supposed to heal. She could deal with the nightmares but for them to infiltrate her gift, haunting her through the day is another thing completely.

It isn't fair on her, or the people she loves.

Dwalin told her to choose the option best for her, not the easiest. And that is what she is doing. It would not be easy to leave them behind and not something she wants to do, but she needs this break. To go to the Shire, escorting Bilbo home then making her way back to Erebor.

Bilbo bids her goodnight, leaving Gailien alone to start putting things into her pack. She puts Bofur's wooden carving in first, tucking it neatly into one of the side pockets. Most of her things are already in there – her water canteen, bedroll so she just adds a few choices of clothing, a spare pair of shoes and a few hair ties. She debates when she should tell him, but her choices are thin.

Bilbo is leaving at first light in the morning, Gailien acting as his escort so Gandalf can return to doing as he wishes. She would either have to tell them then, already packed and about to leave or she could do so tonight.

But the choice is taken away from her with a soft knock on her door. They don't enter, waiting for her permission so she saunters over, opening the door. Thorin stands on the other side with a blank expression, but she can see the confusion in his eyes.

"I'm ok," she says, speaking first. "I'm sorry that happened, especially in front of the company and your cousin."

"That's not my concern," he replies. "My concern is that you are healthy. And I'm starting to believe that you are not. Have you seen Oin?"

"It's not anything a healer can fix," she replies with a mournful smile.

"Have your nightmares been troubling you more?" he peppers, stepping closer. "We could have a sleeping draft made. The boys told me that you were better this morning after sharing a room, I could organise something semi-permanent. The offer to share my room stays-"

"Thank you," she smiles. "But I don't think it will be necessary."

"If you are sure," he says, then glances over her shoulder. His perplexed expression deepens and Gailien sighs, shoulders slumping. "Are you packing?"

Gailien nods, stepping away from the door to let him in. Thorin steps in, his face stonily. He looks around her room, observing what is missing and what she is leaving behind. Behind to what?

"I don't understand," he chokes. "I thought you were going to stay in Erebor. With me."

"And I was," she spits out, marching towards him. She cups his face, breaking contact away from her room to her. "I only just decided an hour ago but I'm going to escort Bilbo back to the Shire. Nothing permanent, I might stay for a month or so to rest but then I will return."

"But… But Gandalf was to escort him," he says, shaking his head slightly, his words almost unsure. "I don't see reason for you to accompany him as well."

Gailien takes his hand in hers and tries to pull him over to the bed to sit but he remains firmly in place, staring at her. Gailien sighs, feeling both guilt, but also confliction as she believes that she shouldn't be feeling it. "It's not just the nightmares," she confesses. "My visions…they're showing me things like they did in Mirkwood. Things that aren't real. Erebor is becoming my Mirkwood and I don't want that. I need to go. Refresh my mind where I'm not surrounded by things that remind me."

"But you're leaving me," he whispers.

"Not forever," she restates tenderly. "I want to marry you, Thorin. I want to see you every day and fall in love over and over again."

Tears pool in his eyes but he doesn't do anything to stop them. "Then stay. Stay and marry me. Marry me tonight."

Gailien pushes his hair back from his face, resting her forehead against his. "I fear that if I stay, it will only get worse. It wouldn't be fair on anybody – not on you, not on the boys, and certainly not on me. I don't want to be constantly comforted because I can't tell reality from not. The boys shouldn't feel the need to sleep in my room so when I wake, I'm not alone. I can't live my life, swapping between loving and fearing you."

"You fear me?" he croaks out, his head pulling back slightly. Gailien bites her lip, knowing that it sounded horrible, even in her mind.

"When I cannot escape that state of mind, yes, I do," she answers honestly. "I have no reason to and you haven't done anything. It's my mind, Thorin. It's doing this to me." She rests her hands on his shoulder, squeezing them firmly. "I don't fear you. I fear the person my mind creates of you."

"It's because of that sickness, isn't it?" He pulls from her grip, turning around and bowing his head, lazily striding about. "When I was drowning in gold. I said awful things. Did awful things. And I can never tell you how sorry I am." He falls to his knees, dropping his head into his hands.

Gailien drops beside him, wrapping her arms around his neck. "It's not just you, Thorin." She cringes to herself at how she worded it. "I mean…The destruction of Lake-town, that was my responsibility. I foresaw it and still, there was so much death. I had the choice to change things, to make them better but I didn't. I feel like I'm drowning in every drop of the blood that was lost that night."

Thorin shakes his head slowly, raising it from his palms. "That is not your burden to bear. We are the ones who entered the mountain, the ones who woke Smaug."

"And I saw it and didn't stop it," she counters. "You had no idea what your actions would cause, but I did. I see myself standing in the middle of that forsaken town, just watching as everybody runs for their lives. And I still see the sadness in Kili's eyes, even if he tries not to show it. He doesn't blame me, but I do."

Thorin shifts, falling back onto his rear, resting his bent knees out in front of him. Taking her by the waist, he pulls Gailien onto his lap, holding her tightly. "That is a lot of guilt to bear for such a small creature."

"Says the Dwarf," she snorts, leaning to rest her forehead against his cheek. Thorin gives her a teasing glare. "Do you see why I have to go now? Not because I want to, but because I need to if I ever want to live in Erebor peacefully. At peace with myself."

"I think letting you go will be one of the hardest things I've ever had to do."

"Harder than this entire quest?" she teases, thinking back over every moment of trouble they had.

"It was a tough call," he says, with a small huff of laughter from his chest. "But I would do it all again if it meant that you could stay."

"Look, I love you more than I can explain," Gailien begins, "but I'm not fancied on nearly becoming Troll food again." Thorin scoffs playfully, mimicking offence. "Alright, maybe I could put up with it."

"You will be safe, won't you? While I want you to return as soon as you can, I want you to take safe passages. Stick to the main roads."

"You know, I survived four hundred years travelling with half as much trouble as we had in the past year alone. I will be fine, I think it's you lot that attracts all the trouble."

"You're probably right. Just a few months, right? There, rest, and back again?"

Gailien nods, smiling up at him. "As long as everything goes to plan, it'll probably be a year and a half. Main roads will be quicker and safer since we don't have any need for secrecy. I'll try and have a letter sent when I reach the Shire, but I can't guarantee that it will make it."

"If I don't hear word from you, I'll be coming down myself."

"Bring Fili with you, I want to see how well Kili could handle running a kingdom," she taunts light-heartedly. Thorin shakes his head with a broad smile. "I am just teasing; I think he would make a great king. He has the qualities of one, just hidden behind youth."

Thorin's expression changes, a slight frown but he doesn't seem to be upset. "Will you live into Fili's reign? You are a half-Elf, but I don't understand what that means for your immortality."

"I'm mortal," she answers. "I have no idea what that means for my life." She sighs, pursing her lips. "But hey, nobody knows the future, right?"

Thorin rolls his eyes, leaning his forehead against her and brushes their noses together. "Apparently not."

Xx

Thorin leaves her for a short while, purely to bid the guests of Erebor farewell but promises to return as soon as he can. Gailien sits on the edge of her bed, gripping the fold tightly as she rocks her feet back and forwards. She has planted herself there, wondering whether it would be best to say anything to the others just yet or wait till morning. She tries to sort out the positives and downfalls of both decisions, but her mind comes up blank

Another knock – rougher than Thorin's – comes from her door.

"Come in," Gailien hums. The door opens, accompanied by heavy footsteps that she could recognise anywhere. They've been in her shoulders and back enough times. "Dwalin," she greets. "How may I be of service?"

"Thorin says you're leaving," he states, not skipping around his point. "You think that is the best decision?"

Gailien stares at him as he stands there, wide feet and arms crossed over his chest. Then she nods, glancing down at her pack. "Has he told everybody?"

"Only myself and Balin. I didn't think I would be saying this lass, but I think it's best if you do go."

"Really?" Gailien perks an eyebrow, looking at him from the corner of her eye. "You spent a while trying to convince me otherwise."

Dwalin sighs, sauntering forward and sits down on the bed next to her. "That was before I saw what being here would do to you. I know your reasons have changed now and I think staying would not only be detrimental to you, but to Thorin as well. He's a strong Dwarf, but it is hard on anybody to watch someone you love go through something you don't know how to help."

"Thank you," she replies sincerely. "I'm sure he told you, but I'm going to return. I want to be happy here, but I just can't do that yet."

"Just make sure you say goodbye, don't sneak off." Gailien nods with a small smile. "And lass-" he leans forward, resting a hand on the bottom of her neck. "-I've enjoyed knowing ya'."

"Your company has truly been appreciated," she cheeks with faux formality. "And I won't. Goodbyes are hard, but I think not saying them would be harder."