JTHE MONTHLY JAMESTOWN GAZETTE
August 15, 10 NE
Dear Readers,
A special thank you to all of this month's contributors, as well as to Yukimo Ito for continuing to make copies of the newspaper in her beautiful script, and to my handsome husband Lieutenant-Commander Carlos Alvarado for assisting me with interviews. We are in need of an additional Cub Reporter. If you'd like to learn the ropes of reporting, please let me know. We are also in need of an illustrator, as Andrew Davies has resigned his volunteer position.
I hope all of our readers enjoy this month's edition of The Jamestown Gazette.
Sincerely,
Connie Alvarado,
Editor & Chief Reporter
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
Dear Editor,
I found one spelling error and two grammatical errors in the Oceanside edition of The Monthly Jamestown Gazette. A professional publication shouldn't be rittled with errors. I'd be happy to serve as your proofreader if you would send me an advanced draft copy. I request a fee of six rounds of ammunition per issue.
Sincerely,
Professor Eleanor Kirkman, Oceanside
Dear Professor,
We already have in-house proofreaders who do the job on a volunteer basis. With so many copies of the newspaper going out, one should not expect perfection. By the way, it's riddled, not rittled.
Sincerely,
Connie Alvarado, Editor and Chief Reporter
GREAT HUNT GETS THE GREEN LIGHT
by Avi Amble, Cub Reporter
As requested by Daryl Dixon, the Jamestown Navy investigated the Hog Island Wildlife Management Area on the miners' last expedition to the salt ponds and found it teeming with animal life. Only mild cannibal activity was reported. Therefore, a three-day hunting and fishing expedition has been approved and is now scheduled to depart Jamestown on August 27. Members of the Alliance will begin trickling into Jamestown by water taxi and horseback next week to join what is already being dubbed "the Great Hunt."
Jamestown will be sending six hunters, along with two hunter apprentices. Oceanside will be supplying three fisherwomen and an expert crabber, Jamestown's own former resident Marcus Huntington. Chieftain Cyndie will be joining the forest hunt, and Oceanside will also be sending its apprentice butcher. The Hilltop will supply a total of three hunters under the leadership of Jerry Cooper, along with the colony's head butcher. Michonne Grimes of Alexandria will provide security during the hunt, with the assistance of Alexandrians Aaron Marquand, Heath Hawkins, and Scott Green as well as the Hilltop's Tara Chambler, Eduardo Silva, and Mellissa Masterson. They will be joined by Jamestown's own expert marksmen, Rosita Espinosa. Those members of the Jamestown Navy who are not fishing will also provide security during the hunt.
Jamestown's head butcher, Jeff Baker, will be joining the expedition with his assistant and wife Norma and their new apprentice Jonathan Lintz. "We expect to return with the game already skinned, deboned, and divided," Mr. Baker said.
The Jamestown Council has placed Daryl Dixon in charge of the expedition and also officially appointed him to the newly created position of Manager of Hunting and Forestry. "Don't need no dumbass title," Manager Dixon said. "It's just a job needs doing is all. I can do it. So I will. But I ain't filling out no damn paperwork."
SMITH ISLAND SETTLEMENT APPROVED
by Connie Alvarado, Editor and Chief Reporter
Deputy Carol Dixon, a third-term Jamestown councilwoman and former lieutenant mayor, proposed the establishment of a more permanent settlement on Smith Island, where Jamestown recently opened a halfway station. "Among other things, this will help to address concerns of potential future housing shortages in the Alliance communities," Councilwoman Dixon said. The settlement would consist of twelve to fifteen able-bodied adult members drawn from all four communities of the Alliance. The settlers would be tasked with securing the trade route, offering emergency repairs to water taxis and other Alliance watercraft, responding to any flare calls for help on the water between Oceanside and Jamestown, and guarding a new Alliance Prison.
Smith Island was once home to a group of ruthless pirates who attacked the Susan Constant on its first trip to the annual Alliance Fall Festival. Under Councilwoman Dixon's proposal, the pirates' former cabins would be cleaned, aired out, and repaired to serve as housing in addition to the officers' cabins on The Godspeed, which will now be permanently docked at the Smith Island Settlement when not in use for fishing, trading, or securing the trade route.
At an August 3rd Open Town Hall meeting on the issue, Sheriff Earl Carter offered his support for the idea, in particular for the construction of an Alliance Prison on the island. "Any community in the Alliance could use that prison. It would provide a long-term incarceration alternative to death or banishment for serious crimes. Now, that's not to say death or banishment is going to be taken off the table of penalties. Long-term incarceration isn't very economical, and it would have to be used sparingly. But this way we can add a third alternative for serious violent crimes. The Jamestown jailhouse is meant for short-term holding, for no more than a week at a time."
Commander Witherspoon, a former councilman and the current Manager of Fishing, suggested that the prison could also be used to contain prisoners of war if the Alliance should ever find itself immersed in conflict. "I understand Alexandria kept a war prisoner for years and years right in the heart of the town," Witherspoon said at the Open Town Hall meeting, "where he could whisper to the children through the bars. Wouldn't it be better to have war prisoners outside the gates of the communities, away from the schoolhouses? Somewhere like Smith Island?"
"I jolly well hope we don't ever have to go to war," second-term councilman Captain McBride replied, "but I agree we should be prepared in every way in case we do, and that includes having access to a more isolated prison should we have to hold war prisoners for trade or interrogation or other purposes."
"Smith Island would also be a good location for assimilating and evaluating any refugees before allowing them to settle permanently in one of the Alliance communities," Jamestown psychologist Vincent Martin suggested during the Open Town Hall meeting. "The Hilltop Colony recently took in a man their scouts discovered living on his own at an abandoned winery. He ended up attempting rape and was killed in self-defense. What if, when the scouts or scavengers of any community found survivors, those survivors could spend a few months living and working at the Smith Island Settlement, where the settlers could evaluate them to determine if they're safe to settle in a larger community around vulnerable populations such as the elderly and children? It would also give such refugees a chance to acclimate to the culture and rules of a more civilized world than the ones they've likely been living in." Dr. Martin added that he'd be happy to run a full psychological profile or offer counseling to any refugee, if the Council would consider those hours toward his regular rations.
The council voted to approve the Settlement on August 4th, and Mayor Barron, with the help of Councilwoman Dixon, has gained support from the Alliance communities. The settlement will be governed by a leader to be appointed by a newly formed Alliance Council. "I've written to the other community's leaders," Mayor Garland Barron told reporters, "and they've agreed it's time we form an official Alliance Council. The Alliance Council will meet at least twice a year in person, at the spring trade meeting and at the fall fair in Oceanside. It will consist of either one or two representatives from each community. The four communities would decide how to choose their own representatives, whether by direct election or appointment. I hope to meet with some of the leaders of the Alliance communities when they come for the Hog Island hunting expedition to flesh out the details."
CRIME REPORT
by Sheriff Earl Carter
July 30, 9:55 PM Public Intoxication. Andrew Davies and Seaman Steven Riggs were arrested for violating curfew while roaming the docks and singing loudly in a state of public intoxication. Both spent one night in the drunk tank and were issued a warning.
August 4, 5:55 AM –Vandalism. In the early hours of the morning, graffiti was discovered on the side of Susan Miller's house bearing the words, "Black Widow" followed by an expletive that does not bear repeating in this report. Investigation is currently under way. If you have any information, please contact the Sheriff's Department. While you are free to express your opinions in speech or writing, neither the defacement of private property nor vigilantism will be tolerated in Jamestown.
August 6, 10:15 PM Public Intoxication. Andrew Davies was arrested for public intoxication after roaming the Indian Village in a drunken state and urinating in a neighbor's garden. He spent one night in the drunk tank and was issued a second and final warning. He was also demoted from his part-time position of court bailiff by the Jamestown Council and put on outhouse cleaning duty for those hours instead.
August 9, 5:30 PM Unlawful Discharge and Inciting Panic. Former councilman Barry Borrowitz was cited for unlawful discharge of a firearm and inciting panic when he fired off his shotgun into the air during a heated argument with his son-in-law outside of the Old Fort's barracks. No one was injured in the event, and Mr. Borrowitz was sentenced by the court to pay a fine of four shotgun shells. Let this serve as a reminder to all citizens that firearms are not to be discharged within the gates of Jamestown except at the firing range, in designated hunting areas, or for the purposes of self-defense.
August 10, 11:42 PM Curfew Violation, Noise Violation, Public Disturbance, and Public Intoxication. Andrew Davies was arrested for violating curfew and creating a public disturbance during quiet hours while roaming the old Fort and shouting loudly into open windows in a state of public intoxication. He spent two nights in the jail house while awaiting trial as a repeat offender. Upon trial, he was sentenced by the court to five hours of hard labor and ten hours of addiction counseling.
August 10, 11:42 PM Assault and Battery. Hunting and Forestry Manager Daryl Dixon was arrested for punching Andrew Davies in the face and breaking his nose outside the Dixon family cabin in the Old Fort. Mr. Dixon was released on his own recognizance and pled no contest to assault and battery charges, under condition that his conviction would be expunged from his record in six months if no further incidents occur. He was sentenced by the court to a fine of one round of .22 ammunition.
ALLIANCE NEWS
by Foreign Correspondent Kelly Coleman
Hilltop
The Hilltop Colony is transitioning from a triumvirate to a governorship in which only one governor is chosen by direct election. The governor will then appoint his or her own cabinet of four advisors. The governor will serve a two-year term and may be re-elected up to three times. On August 1, the Hilltop elected Tara Chambler governor. "I'm excited to continue serving the community in my new role," Tara said.
Enid Nacon, who will be familiar to citizens of Jamestown as a part-time resident, was appointed to the Governor Chambler's cabinet, though she is expected to be present at the Hilltop at least one half the year to continue serving in that capacity. Governor Chambler also appointed Jesus "Paul" Rovia, Earl Sutton, and Eduardo Silva to serve as members of her cabinet.
Oceanside
Oceanside scouts have begun exploring the fourteen-mile-long Chesapeake and Delaware Canal, which cuts across the state of Delaware and a portion of Maryland to provide a route between the Delaware River and the Chesapeake Bay. They are hoping to scavenge solar panels and other useful supplies, as well as evaluate any threats to the north of the allied communities, such as migrating herds of cannibals or, in the words of Chieftain Cyndie, "unfriendly communities like those whispering skin freaks we encountered earlier this year."
Alexandria
On August 5, Alexandrian supply runners met with an astounding discovery. A rather ordinary house in a middle-class neighborhood in Burke, Virginia turned out to be a prepper's paradise. The door to the basement had been replaced with an iron door that was locked from the inside and could not be penetrated. However, there was a small window in the hill sloping downward alongside the basement. It was covered with iron bars and boarded up, but the supply runners were able to breach it. It was a tight fit through the window, but the slender Michonne wormed her way in and was able to open the iron door from the inside.
The family of four who locked themselves in their well-stocked basement probably did not survive in isolation for more than a few weeks. It's unclear what happened to them, but the father may have snapped and committed a murder-suicide. The bodies were well decayed. But what remained was astonishing: shelves and shelves of storage supplies.
"We found two shotguns, four rifles, and six handguns," Michonne said. "There were over four hundred shotgun shells, a thousand rounds of 9 mm, two thousand rounds of .223, and eight hundred rounds of .22. They had approximately 250 large cans of Storm Mountain storage food remaining, twenty remaining bottles of wine, fifteen bottles of hard liquor, and 60 MREs. There was rice, dried beans, honey, sugar, and salt. Let's just say Alexandria is ready to trade at the fall trade fair at Oceanside and to spread some money around at Henry's pub."
GOSSIP COLUMN
by Trisha Davies, Assistant Tavern Manager
It seems recently-acquitted-of-murder Susan Miller may have herself a new beau! Little birdies tell me a mysterious man has twice been seen exiting her cabin after sunset. Could her classified ad actually have found a taker? If so, he doesn't seem quite ready to stay the night. I wonder why? Wink. Wink.
Wedding bells are in the air again! Seaman Jeffrey Reedus of Jamestown, age 29, will marry Melissa Masterson of the Hilltop, age 45 at a ceremony at the Jamestown Chapel on August 26, right before The Great Hunt, which the newlyweds will both be joining, Melissa to provide security and Seaman Reedus to fish. Rumor has it that Jamestown's rakish naval officer, Ensign Norman Lincoln, will play best man, while the Hilltop's Governor Tara Chamber will play maid of honor. After the Great Hunt, the newlywed couple will be moving permanently to the new Smith Island Settlement. Jamestown will be sorry to lose such a fun sailor, but we're sure he'll visit frequently!
Happy belated birthday to Yona Chokta-Smith, daughter of Inola and Dante, who turned one in July. Happy birthday also to Dwight, Junior, son of Dwight and Sherry Ameilo, who turned one in August.
Rumors confirmed! Dianne Hamilton and Anika Chokta are both indeed expecting! The new little bundles of joy should both join us sometime this March, right in time for spring planting. If we get both a boy and a girl, perhaps the matchmaking can begin. "Maybe even if we get two girls," says court representative and Gazette copyist Yukimo Ito with a sly smile. The Tavern is now hosting a pool on the sex of the babies – place your bets by January.
Ladies, Mr. Earl Sutton has unfortunately left us, but the knowledge share program is about to bring us another bachelor! Eduardo Silva, a guard, advisor to the Hilltop governor, and member of the Hilltop militia also has special talents in Brazilian jiu-jitsu. He'll be joining the Hog Island Hunting expedition to provide security, but he's going to arrive early on August 15 (the day this paper comes out!) to train some of our own guards in grappling techniques as well as to teach a children's class in the martial art. By all accounts, Mr. Silva is a handsome individual, in his mid-30s, who knows how to pull off a man bun.
Don't worry, gentlemen! Several Oceanside, Hilltop, and Alexandria women have also volunteered to sign up for the knowledge-share program in future months. Keep reading my column for more details in the months to come!
Let's be serious for a moment, y'all. You've heard it said - what's good for the goose is good for the gander. What goes around comes around. Karma. I've enjoyed writing this gossip column, but now I've become the subject of gossip myself. I've heard the tongues a-wagging, saying my husband has developed a drinking problem and that our marriage is on the rocks. Well, I'm sorry to confirm the rumors are true. My husband has in fact developed a bit of a problem with his drinking, and our marriage has certainly been on steadier ground in the past than it is as I write this column. Over three weeks ago, Linda cut Andrew off at the Tavern, but he somehow found a way to trade for shine and brew on the unofficial market.
But let me tell y'all something. I still believe in the power of love to conquer all. Andrew's a talented man. You've all seen the way he can draw. But like many creative types, he's troubled, too. I think Andrew has a good, big heart somewhere deep down inside of him. He's been a little down in the dumps about botching an investigation and losing his job as a deputy, and maybe he turned to the bottle a little too much afterward. Maybe he also spent a little too much of our savings doing it. But I'm hoping this counseling he'll be receiving, and which I'm sure all y'all have heard about, will help. And I'm going to stand by my man.
CLASSIFIEDS
Personals
Looking for a new best friend now that mine's deserting me for a woman and an island. Seeks loyalty and a good sense of humor. Smoker and gambler preferred. Contact Ensign Lincoln.
Still looking for a good time. Now considering ladies age 18 to 49. Clean, well-groomed, disease-free, discreet naval officer. Talented with a rapier, if you know what I mean. Contact Seaman Jon Rooker.
Help Wanted
Alexandria is looking to employ itinerant farmers this fall as we expand our corn fields to supply our distillery. Two-week rotations, forty-hour work weeks. Earn some extra ammunition and other supplies. Contact Head of Framing, Paul Orand.
Goods and Services Offered
Hand-woven blankets in exchange for tobacco, ammunition, or diapers. Contact Inola Smith.
Goods and Services Wanted
Looking for a 16 inch AR-15 upper receiver. .300 Blackout. Will negotiate a trade of goods. Contact Rosita Espinosa Carter.
CHILDREN'S JOKES
Which baseball player liked fire places?
Mickey Mantle.
- Submitted by Hershel Greene, Hilltop Colony, age 8
Where do walkers swim?
The DEAD sea
- Submitted by Judith Grimes, Alexandria, age 9
What do you call a scary unicorn?
A nightmare!
- Submitted by Gracie Marquand, Alexandria, age 8