~ Chapter 28 ~
"Killua."
The voice of his teacher rushes over him the moment he walks through the doorway, like ripples on a serene pond. In the communal hotel suite rented for all of them, Killua turns his head to see Biscuit Krueger walking toward him. Features stony, she stops before him and Gon.
What…? Before Killua can ask, their old Nen master gives him a pointed look. To Gon, she says, "Could you give us a moment?"
Surprised, Gon glances over at Killua. "Uh, sure."
Leaving Killua's side to join the others in the common living space – who are having a lively game of cards – Gon sits beside Ikalgo. The octopus is arguing with Amane and Palm about the hand he just laid down. Canary, utterly confused, looks between them and her own hand, not sure what to do. On the couch, Gon glances over at Killua, who gives him a shrug as he and Bisky disappear into the siphoned-off dining space, out of view and earshot of the others.
Master and student take seats across from each other at the smooth mahogany table. When Bisky folds her hands on the surface, Killua can't help but feel more and more puzzled at what this could be about.
"Killua, I'm sorry," Bisky says without warning, looking him in the eye.
"H-heh…?!" Killua's heart beats loudly in his head. He's never heard his teacher speak in such a somber repentant tone, nor seen her demeanor as small as the body she dons. She acts ashamed.
"I wasn't there for you when you needed me most – either of you. But especially you."
Killua gives her a half-joking smile, not sure how else to respond to her sudden apology. "U-uh, what are you t-talking about?"
Finally, her shame breaking, there's a soft pity in her large magenta eyes. "All this time, I've been selfish. I trained you and Gon when it was convenient for me, and ditched the moment current events became too much…" Her gloved hands strain on top of the wooden table, where her and Killua's reflections show in the dim light – hers, endearing and apologetic, his, stiff and confused. "After seeing everything you two went through during the Chimera Ant War and after – and how much you two are still struggling to figure out everything on your own… I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being such a bad master. When you and I met on Greed Island, I knew early on what your family was doing to you. But I was a coward." She says the last part with a heaviness that bubbles over, for her voice leaves her on the last word. Coward is naught but a breathy whisper. Tears are evident in her voice now, as her clasped hands and small arms tremble slightly, but contained. "I was too cowardly to ask you about your home situation back then, assuming that if Gon and I could distract you enough from the past, it wouldn't bother you. But I was wrong, and instead I let it get to this point. And for that, I'm deeply sorry."
Her eyes are no longer on his face, shining with salty tears. Killua is flabbergasted – and touched – by her pained expression. There's a hollowness in his chest that has suddenly opened – the empty discomfort of having your pain recognized. Still, it doesn't fully alleviate the trepidation mounting in the back of his mind from discussing anything to do with his family.
He whispers, "B-Bisky, why this all of a sudden…?"
Wiping the tears from her eyes with her white-gloved thumbs, Bisky croaks, "I know how much it's been affecting you, the death of your brother." She stares him in the face again, determined not to cry anymore.
Even more uncomfortable from the hollowness in his chest at this, Killua probes, "You said you knew about my family back then, on Greed Island… but how could you know? Was it because of my last name?"
"No. Neither you nor Gon mentioned your last name – and if you did, I didn't think on it too much. I didn't pick up on the fact that you're from the infamous Zoldyck Family until many months later, when you went to retrieve Alluka from the estate to save Gon. No, I figured it out when we were training together – the Hatsu ability you've honed since we were training together on Greed Island, Godspeed – only someone who has endured much pain would be able to withstand a Nen ability like that. The lightning… it courses through your body every time you use it. Doesn't it?"
Killua's heart clenches at her question, shocked to have such attention on him. It's too much to be recognized in such a way. He was only just starting to get used to it with Gon. "Uh, yeah… it does," he admits truthfully, feeling a little queasy.
Lips taut, Bisky nods. "I knew right then, the moment you showed us, the kind of upbringing you must have had to be able to handle and create such an ability. But I never said anything, and… it's been my greatest regret ever since I learned what you put yourself through to save Gon after the war."
Her transformative aura to droop in large, heavy droplets in the air around them, fumbling, Killua tries to snap her out of this gloom. "Uh, it's not entirely your fault! It's not like you could have known what was coming after you left Gon and I in East Gorteau. And who's to say I would have admitted it back then, had you approached me?"
Again, there's a great sympathetic pity in her gaze, which stabs Killua in the chest like a harpoon. They both know he's just trying to cover up the panic and fear he feels at the very prospect of opening up. All she had done when they trained in East Gorteau after Gon's battle with Knuckle was tell him that he would eventually leave Gon. Rather than fully acknowledging his situation as a member of the Zoldyck Family, she had driven the final nail into the coffin of his insecurity. They both know it.
Sighing, Bisky pushes her gloved hands against the table and stands. "I understand it isn't your fault," she had said. Sure, that conversation led to Killua pulling out Illumi's needle, but if only she had said more… Maybe then, he and Gon wouldn't have been caught up in the most gruesome war involving the Hunter Association.
Circling around the table, Killua watches her all the while. She stops when she's right next to him. Face-level, she leans forward slowly, and wraps her arms around him. "You don't have to do this alone. I'm sorry so many have forced you to for all these years."
The floodgates burst open. Killua, previously too scared to cry, grips her shoulders in return, wiping his eyes beneath her warm hold.
She only hugs him tighter.
. . .
When Killua emerges from the dining room, the skin around his eyes is pink and swollen. Gon and the others notice immediately. Palm, Canary, Amane, and Ikalgo were aware of the storm that had been brewing inside Bisky since before they visited Jappon. Yesterday, when they had all been told to wait inside the hotel lobby for Kalluto's attack, Bisky broke down, babbling about how she's been unable to protect Gon and Killua all this time so that they think they have to do everything alone.
Now, Palm gives her a gentle nod. Bisky nods back.
Without thinking, Gon stands to reach him. "Killua?"
"I'm fine, I'm fine," Killua assures, waving him off – he's had enough uncomfortable situations for one day. Being fawned over in front of everyone is too much right now. It's past midnight, so the windows are dark, save the lights coming from the tall buildings beside them.
"Gon, there's something I want to speak to you about too."
"H-huh?!" Gon turns toward the voice of his short Nen master in alarm.
Killua gives him a look, telling him not to worry, so Gon seals his lips.
"Okay." Confused, he follows Bisky. Glancing back at Killua, Killua only waves him off again.
Peering over the deck of cards stuck to his many tentacles, Ikalgo asks, "You all right, Killua?"
Rubbing his forehead, Killua sways a little with exhaustion. Earlier that night, he had been confronted by Kalluto and lost his temper. Too much has happened in one day. "Yeah, I'm fine. Uhg, there's just a lot right now."
"You shouldn't push yourself," Canary remarks with her head turned. There's no emotion in her voice, in case he wants to lash out at her again for being worried like when they were staying in the motel.
Killua picks up on it in a heartbeat. "I know. Thanks, guys, for worrying about me. I'm sorry I've been so… unreachable these past few days."
Canary turns toward him, her lips in a smile. "Don't worry about it. We all know you're under stress."
Killua takes a step forward, sitting beside them at the table full of cards. "By the way, Canary, Amane," he says, catching both of their attention. "I don't recall seeing Gotoh at the Zoldyck Estate when we were there. I don't think Nanika whisked him away while we were rescuing Gon, otherwise I would have noticed. Do you know where he could have gone?"
Palm halts in the middle of dealing cards, seeing Canary and Amane exchange an anxious glance. The former butlers exchange a whole conversation without saying a word.
"What is it?" Killua asks, concerned now, recalling how Canary had avoided the question when he asked before.
Setting down her cards face-down and turning toward him, Canary speaks slowly, carefully. "Killua… I thought it best not to tell you while we were trying to get Gon back, but… Gotoh has been dead for years now. He was killed when you and Alluka were escaping from the Illumi and the Zoldyck Estate, so a Kiriko has been filling his place so no one suspected anything." Seeing the broken lividity in Killua's face and the way he holds himself, her eyes, nose, and shoulders tense in pain.
"N… no…!" Bending over, Killua holds his stomach, feeling sick.
"I'm sorry," Canary says, resting a hand on his shoulder. "I should have told you sooner."
Killua raises his head again, this time a fire in the teary sheen over his blue eyes, startling everyone. "We can't let them get away with this anymore – with throwing away others' lives like they mean nothing. I won't let them!"
Shocked by his change of mood, and feeling the mournful vengeance in his aura, shivers run down their spines. It's as if they can feel the distortion of a young child, angry at the world, and crying out in pain.
. . .
Zeno Zoldyck arrives at the entrance to the Zoldyck Manor in the dead of night. A great sadness overcomes him, transmitted through the air. Cloak frayed at the edges and grey hood pulled over his face, the old man lifts his head upward. The roof of the manor towers on top of the mountain, the place his family has lived for generations. Cold, flurrying winds bite through the thin layers of his skin as he looks. So high up on Kukuroo Mountain, Zeno can see crimson-golden fingers stretching upward toward the darkness, over the mountains on the horizon, and to the stars that glisten brightly behind the wintry storm clouds. It must be early dawn.
At the next icy gust, Zeno's grey hood flies off, revealing his long white hair, and tired purple-grey eyes. His pallid, wrinkly hands run across the ancient wooden, and he pushes the door open. Inside, the old man unties the cloak beneath his chin. Folding the thin fabric, he hangs it over the rack next to the door. He gives a long, drawn-out sigh, facing the silent, empty interior of the mansion. To the right, he sees a finely crafted wooden box glimmering on the dining room table in the darkness. He scuffles over to it.
Here, the body of his first grandson lays dead in an open casket. Gorgeous bell-shaped, violet blossoms frame his legs and torso, red spider lilies haloing his head. White plum blossoms entwine in Illumi's long black hair, and, in his hands is a bouquet of red camellias, covering the fatal wound on his chest. It signifies his noble death.
Zeno stares for no more than a few moments, when quick footsteps rush up behind him, stopping abruptly at the doorway.
Gradually – as he has no reason to fear being snuck up on after nearly a century of it – Zeno turns.
Visor-less, Kikyo stands in the threshold between the dining room and foyer, her dark hair loose and cascading over the black leather on her thin shoulders. The tender skin around her rose-colored and cloudy eyes are raw from wiping away tears.
They stare at each other until Zeno walks forward, right past her, not saying a word. Before he can disappear down the hallway to his study, Kikyo whips around on her high-heeled shoes, nearly toppling over from the force of her own momentum.
"Wait a minute. What did Killua say?"
The fury and restlessness of a mother in mourning resides in her presence, but Zeno is unmoved. He halts with Kikyo looking after him. Lifting his head thoughtfully, his back is still toward her when he answers. "Not much – I'm going to convene with Silva about it now. Care to join us?" Without waiting for her answer, Zeno continues down the hall, but Kikyo blisters under her own skin.
Her spidery hands clench into fists, long nails digging into her palms. Fragile she may be after the death of her son, but she won't be pushed aside any longer. "Old man, I asked you a question. Why can't you tell me here?"
"You shut your mouth, woman," Zeno snaps back at her, hardly sparing her a glance. "I'm going to speak to the heir of the household. It isn't for you to decide."
"Do you really think those Zoldyck Family formalities have meaning anymore given the current situation?!" she interrogates shrilly, strutting up close to him. Hands on her leathered hips, she bends over to stick her face in his.
This time, Zeno's voice is dangerously low. "If you had given my son a suitable heir to begin with, none of this would have happened."
This makes Kikyo recoil, her mismatched eyes wide and face loose with hurt and fear. Never had her husband's father spoken to her with such malice in his intent before. From the beginning, his disapproval of her and Silva's relationship had been blatant. That was nothing new. However, since Silva was the chosen Zoldyck heir and Zeno trusted his son – though not without his own attempts to tamper with Silva's plan – he had eventually allowed their betrothal. For the last thirty years, he had accepted his son's choice in silence, and lived with the consequences. Never had Zeno felt vindicated enough to speak his true mind about their relationship.
Until now.
Kikyo's long fingernails curl in her hands again. Despite what her father-in-law thought, still, Silva had chosen her all those years ago. She speaks soundlessly. "Well, then blame your son for marrying me."
At that, Zeno's purple-grey eyes flare, large and intimidating. His bushy white brows wrinkle his forehead in hopelessness, ire, and self-control. If only he could release his wrath upon this stain on the Zoldyck Family, but even that would not quell his madness, nor change the past. What was done was done, and he would learn to live with it yet again.
Before the tension can go any further, the beastly figure of his son appears before Zeno in the darkened hallway. "What's this about?" Large and imposing as ever, the man's reptilian blue eyes glower down at them. "How is Killua?"
Turning her head away in disgust, Kikyo focuses on the dining room where Illumi lies on the long table.
"Killua is fine," says Zeno, giving the woman a disgusted look before turning away. Walking forward, Silva takes a step to the side to allow his father to pass. Then, glancing back at Kikyo, still turned away, he accompanies his father down the hall. "Our next move should be…"
Still in the foyer, Kikyo stays put. Once out of hearing distance, she scoffs, uncrossing her arms. She remembers the rollercoaster of emotions of those glorious first days… Before they were married, before any of the complications of raising the next Zoldyck heir crept into their minds, she and Silva had once shared a bond unlike any other…
. . .
Early that morning, Gon and Killua lay in bed in a loving heat. The rhythm of their passion shook the bed, warped the room, veiling their senses until they were the only ones who existed. Enwrapped in each other, and in a room separate from the others, they could cause all the commotion they wanted.
Spent, breathing rugged, the two embrace, comforted by the other's presence. It is past midnight, and not yet light out.
Snuggling close, Killua runs his hands through Gon's wiry, raven hair, consoling him. Falling in messy tendrils around his face after their lovemaking, Killua presses his lips into Gon's forehead, breathing warm air onto his scalp. It makes Gon feel at peace, and he hugs Killua closer to him, face buried in his neck.
They'd both been in a bad way after speaking with Bisky. It had been cathartic, but also brought up a lot of bad memories. What happened to Gotoh had also been relayed to Gon by Canary. Yet another person who had suffered to protect them…
Despite their exhaustion, Killua still feels tears beneath his eyelids. Gon feels Killua's stillness against him, and his own tears well up, remembering Kite, and all the others he couldn't save and had caused pain – and the gaping darkness that never seems to let him go no matter how much time passes swells up within him, threatening to take him over.
They cling to each other closer.
The least they can do is give each other warmth after what they had seen – but enjoying the moment can't erase all the good people they had lost, or all the time they had spent in a dazed ignorance of the world…
Unable to sleep, Gon lays behind Killua. Facing his bare back, once again the jagged scar that runs across his upper and lower back is made apparent to him in the lightening darkness. Gon traces his fingers over it, feeling its rugged edges against the smoothness of the rest of Killua's scarred skin.
The crater near his left shoulder makes Gon wince at the depth, but he presses his fingers inside. Layers of sensitive skin form a point in the center – where the strike of Milluki's whip must have made its initial blow before dragging across his back.
Snoozing, Killua re-awakens. Gon's fingers, once tickling, become a sharp pain in Killua's back from the old scar.
"Gon…?" he slurs.
Gon retracts his hand. "Ah, I'm sorry, Killua. Did I wake you up?"
His back stings from Gon's fingers probing the wound. Even though it's been so many years…
"It hurts."
Gon's heart stops, praying he heard Killua incorrectly. "Wh-what?"
"It hurts when you touch it – please… please, don't."
Inching closer to Killua, hearing the wedged tremble in his voice, Gon rests a light hand on Killua's arm. "I-I'm sorry –! I didn't know! Why didn't you tell me before?!" There's anger in his panicked voice.
Killua recalls the strange recognition he felt from Bisky hours ago… and the strange, leery discomfort that came with it. He breathes out in a deep sigh. "Because I've been too afraid."
A beat passes, and Killua turns around on the bed to find Gon's horrified but sympathetic gaze.
"I've been too afraid to tell you – or anyone – that it hurts. That it still hurts…" He says the last bit with a lost dreaminess to his voice, his thoughts trailing.
Moving closer to Killua, realizing he'd overreacted a little, Gon sits up, hugging an arm around Killua's shoulders, who feels warm from the gesture. Closing his eyes, Killua's breathing slows, his body relaxing against Gon.
They stay that way for a while, and then Gon settles in beside him. Killua's eyes open again. "You know, I still remember my mother crying."
Gon's eyes open too. Though he can hardly see Killua's face, he can feel his outline in the increasing light. The ex-assassin's skin quivers, on the verge of something.
"I still remember her screams in the dungeons – not just after I killed Illumi… but after Milluki gave me that scar. She cried and cried, holding me as I lay twitching on the ground, furious with Milluki for doing something like that. It was the only time she seemed to care when I got hurt…"
Stroking Killua's arm, neck, and collarbone, Gon asks, "Why don't you ask Alluka to heal it?"
Suddenly trapped in the memory, his senses shot, Killua just shakes his head. He doesn't want to talk about it anymore. Moving closer on the bed, he scrunches up next to Gon.
Covering up the scar with magic wouldn't do the trick. Nothing can erase the memory of what the Zoldycks had done.
The lovely and amazing Tiburme drew fanart of Chapter 27 on her Tumblr blog under the tags "TIDU" and "tiburmeart"! It looks almost exactly how I imagined when I was writing the previous chapter, so I highly recommend you check it out. You can also find it on my blog, naysaltysalmon, under the tag "Things I Don't Understand inspo." GO SEE FER URSELF!
Man, I was fixing the formatting for some of the earlier chapters today because it's been bugging me for a while, and I realized those earlier chapters were written on my iPad from middle/high school. It's so strange, to think this story has been going on since my senior year of high school, now to my senior year of college – it's basically my senior year of college already, since I passed the exam that ensures I can write a thesis in my chosen major~
This chapter was originally going to be a lot longer, but then I realized a lot of the stuff I had written would actually work better in the next chapter. Last chapter was a pretty big one, so it felt better to make this more of a bridge chapter. If there are too many disparate ideas, then nothing will make sense. So you'll just have to wait until Chapter 29 to see Killua's and Kalluto's conversation. Speaking of which, I'm so surprised by how many people enjoyed that part of the last chapter!
Thank you again to my anonymous reviewers! Thank you so much to Juvia302 for reviewing nearly all my chapters! /)o3o(\ I agree the Zoldyck Family is very persistent and I wish they would just go away, haha. But I guess, without them I wouldn't have a story to write? I'm glad you enjoyed Gon and Killua's wiggly time as well ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°). And yeah, I feel you with the lack of comments stuff – it's every author's plight that we must face. Fanfiction is pretty mutual since you kind of feed off of everyone else's passion as well as your own. And of course I'm glad you liked the siblings' development! And thank you for the well wishes on my career aspirations!
Thank you to Tibu! I'm so happy the sibling content touched and inspired you so! *3* Thank you to CactusRights, as always. Yes, yes, apologies again for not getting around to Kalluto this chapter, but sometimes you gotta wait for the good things, haha. Lizard grandpa is crafty as always, so I guess you'll have to be patient with him too~ Thank you to my Guest and Zehra! I'm so happy you enjoy the story! ^^ I always wonder if the chapters/story seems disjointed when you read it all together, considering how long it's been going on!;; And thanks to Zehra for your acknowledgement of my hard work. ;;v;;
I've wanted to get around to Bisky's side for a while now, so even though this chapter is really short, I hope it was still enjoyable. I hope you will leave your thoughts below~