Chapter 50

Tim woke up early... in spite of waking up with Jonathan three times that night. He knew that going running was not the cause of what had happened last time. They would have got him somehow, no matter where he went. However, he was still scared of going, but he'd promised Zahara, so he was going to go.

He sat up and got out of bed. He walked into the bathroom and stared at himself. He could still see signs of the strain, but even he could admit that he felt a lot better and he knew he could handle going running. He just didn't want to because it was easier and the struggle was still hard sometimes.

He splashed some water on his face and then got ready. When he came out of the bathroom, Zahara was sitting up in bed, watching him. They kept quiet since Jonathan was asleep in the bassinet at the end of the bed. No sense in destroying the quiet in the house. Zahara smiled and gestured for him to get going. He mustered up a weak smile in return and nodded. Then, he left the apartment and got into his car. He sat where he was for a few minutes without putting the key in the ignition. Then, he took a deep breath and leaned forward. He started the car and drove to his usual running route. When he got there, he sat in his car again, not wanting to get out but knowing that he needed to.

Another deep breath and he opened the door. As he walked to the path, he was surprised when one of his guards approached him. He was doubly-surprised when he realized it was Norris, who had spoken to him before.

"Good morning, Agent McGee. Would you like company on your run?"

Tim raised a questioning eyebrow at him.

"Most of the guards hate that you're a regular runner, but I've always enjoyed running, and it occurred to me that you might be a little apprehensive about starting up again. Maybe having some official company might help?"

Tim found himself smiling.

"It would, yes."

"Great."

Norris gestured and Tim nodded. Starting to run wasn't hard to do. Norris didn't talk. He didn't push Tim to go faster or slower. They just ran side by side, and Tim had to make the run shorter than he had before. He was definitely out of shape after a couple of months of doing pretty much nothing. As they got back to the parking lot, he saw someone there, obviously waiting for him. For a moment, his pace faltered, but before Norris could say anything about it, he realized who it was.

"It's okay. I know him," Tim said, breathing heavily.

"In a good way?" Norris asked, not sounding winded at all.

"Yeah," Tim said... and was surprised to realize that he genuinely meant it. He could have focused on his first interactions with Levi, but he didn't want to, so he wasn't.

"Okay. Agent McGee, I know that, up to now, you've mostly wanted us to stay out of the way, interacting only when it was necessary, but if you need us to be more visible for a while, that's totally fine." Norris smiled. "And I'm willing to run with you anytime."

Tim smiled back.

"Thanks. For now... I think I could use the support."

"All right, then, you'll see me tomorrow."

Tim laughed a little at how he phrased it.

"All right."

Then, he walked over to his car and got out a bottle of water. Then, he walked over to the bench and sat down.

"Hi, Levi. How did you know I'd be here, today?"

Levi smiled. "Your wife asked me to come."

"Oh. When?"

"Yesterday. How are you doing?"

Tim leaned back against the bench, looked up at the sky and sighed a little.

"Okay. Some days are better than others. I'm recovering faster than I did with my last mental breakdown."

"That's good. For what it's worth, I am sorry that I contributed to this weakness you have."

"You actually apologizing is worth more than you might think," Tim said. "Mostly, though, I'm not thinking about the first time much. This time is enough, and I need to keep myself focused on recovering. I have a family now, and I can't let them be hurt by me."

"It can't just be about them, you know. It has to be about you, too."

"I know...but right now, I don't feel like I'm worth the struggle. My wife and kids are."

"You are worth it."

Tim sighed again and looked at Levi.

"Are you all right?"

Levi's smile was a little bitter. "As all right as I ever am anymore. I'm almost back to accepting that I have limitations."

"Almost?" Tim asked, smiling a little. "Did you ever really?"

Levi smiled more genuinely. "Not particularly, although Tamara thought I had. It was just that nothing had ever required me to push myself."

"I'm sorry."

"No. The fact that I'm alive at all is because of you, Tim. Don't take the blame for my stubbornness. I've always been physically strong. I've always been able to manage myself, to push myself, to go to extreme measures to do what needs to be done. Seeing myself as a weak, old man is hard to do. It's no one's fault but mine. I could have helped without physically draining myself. I just refused to do that because it felt like it wasn't enough."

"Anything you decided to do would have been enough."

"I know you would think that, but I wouldn't."

"I know."

"I heard that you now have a son."

Tim couldn't help but smile at that.

"Yes. Jonathan. He's waking us up at all hours of the night and we're realizing that we can't live in the apartment anymore. We'd thought about it before, but... it didn't really stay in mind after all... that. But now, I'm getting to the point where I can think about other things again."

"And Ray?"

Tim took a deep breath and let it out.

"More than that program... Even if I accept that I'm not to blame, it will never be easy to see someone die for me... because of me... near me when I couldn't stop it. I've seen too many people die and knowing that Ray did that to save me... I might have been able to avoid breaking down completely like I did if that hadn't happened. When he died... I couldn't even... fathom anything else in the world. Then, I saw you collapse and... it was like..." Tim looked at Levi again. "I don't know if you have one thing that is your worst nightmare, but that night was mine. People dying for me...or because of me, no matter how indirectly." Then, he managed to smile a little. "And that's not something I can lay at your feet. In fact, you did the opposite."

"I've told you before that it's not that impressive."

"And I told you that it doesn't matter. What I don't think you understand, Levi, what Ziva doesn't understand, what anyone who's been trained to kill doesn't get is that, for me, killing is never something that's right. It might be necessary, but it's not right. The worst thing for me every time was people dying. The worst moments in my work at NCIS have been when someone has died because of me, whether directly or indirectly. And Ray died because of me... indirectly."

"And you had tried to save him before."

"Yeah," Tim said and looked away. "Seems like such a waste."

"It wasn't."

"I don't care if he wanted to die, Levi," Tim said, a little angrily. "It was still a waste!"

"That wasn't what I was going to say."

"What were you going to say, then?"

"It wasn't a waste because you still helped him. You couldn't make his life good again, but you made it less bad. You helped make it bearable. There's no failure in that, Tim. You gave him a chance to live for a while, to do better."

Tim swallowed hard and then was surprised when Levi patted him on the shoulder.

"You can't save everyone, Tim."

"I know."

"No one can save everyone. That's not a comment on your ability. It's a comment on human beings' ability."

Tim smiled a little.

"When are you going back to work?"

"Not sure."

"You should go sooner rather than later. You feel safe there. Let yourself feel safe while you're pushing yourself into the areas where you don't feel safe."

Tim looked at Levi, his brow furrowing.

"Why do you care so much about my life, Levi?"

"Because I helped make it what it is."

"So? I can't be the only person like that in your past. I'm sure there are other people you used and changed."

"Yes. That's true."

"So what makes me so special?"

"Because, unlike those other people, you have not given me what I deserve. You have given me what I want and that puts me in your debt. I used you when I needed your abilities. I put you in danger both physically and mentally, and yet, you have tried to help me when I needed it outside of the job. You are special, and I am eternally in your debt. Luckily, it's a debt I don't mind having."

"You don't have to feel that way. I know you'll say you do because it's the truth, but I don't think you need to feel that way. Doesn't that matter?"

Levi smiled. "No, it doesn't, quite frankly. You are the beneficiary, Tim, but it's really more about me than it is about you. So it doesn't matter what you think about it. Now, I should get home and so should you."

Levi got to his feet with little hesitation. Tim could see that he really had recovered to his now-usual physical ability. Tim stood up as well.

"Thanks for coming...and for being there at the beginning. I needed someone to see me and you did."

"You're welcome."

Then, Levi walked away, back toward the road where he would, no doubt, get a taxi.

"Levi."

He turned back.

"Yes?"

"If you want to, you and Tamara are welcome to come by and see Jonathan. He's pretty cute, even if I'm biased."

Levi smiled. "Thanks for the invitation."

Then, he was gone. Tim stood there for a few seconds and then squared his shoulders and got into his car. It was time to go home.

When he got there, he went inside and saw the chaos that felt familiar, even if there was an added dimension to it. Salma was playing with her toys. Loudly. And Zahara was in the kitchen making breakfast, holding Jonathan who was starting to fuss a little.

Salma looked up from her toys and ran over to hug him tightly around his legs. Tim knew that she still had a little bit of anxiety from the time he had been missing, but he tried not to let her see his own struggles.

"Baba!"

"Good morning, Salma," he said with only a little bit of false cheer. "What's for breakfast?"

"Baghrir!" Salma said happily. Even at three years old, she pronounced Arabic better than he did.

"Excellent." Tim looked over at Zahara. "Do you want me to take Jonathan or the pancake batter?"

Zahara laughed. "Go shower, first. Then, take Jonathan."

"Okay."

"How was it?" she asked a little more seriously.

Tim smiled a little. "Thanks for calling Levi."

"It helped?" she asked.

"Yeah."

"Good. Go and shower."

Tim did so, thinking that, he was finally at the point where he could see the good coming. He wasn't quite at the stage of experiencing the good all the time, but he could see the potential. And as he went through the patterns that were quite normal, he felt that there was hope for things getting better.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Over the next few days, things continued on a generally upward track. Tim was getting a lot better and he was thinking about what Levi had said about going back to work again. He was surprised to realize that the idea was genuinely appealing. He'd spent weeks too wrapped up in the trauma and he had actually forgotten about how much he loved his job. He decided that he would wait until the weekend and then go to Gibbs' place to work on the jewelry box some more. The mosaic tile design on the top was coming along. It was just a matter of finishing it...which was taking forever.

Tony and Ziva were being circumspect about their relationship. It wasn't just about privacy. It was also about how tentative they were being. Both had deep wounds and they were each wary of causing pain in the other. But perhaps to the surprise of both of them, the relationship seemed to be working thus far. They weren't sure what Gibbs would say if he knew that they were deliberately flaunting his rule, but they were happy to find that things were working out.

With the improvement he could see in his team, Gibbs decided it was time to have a conversation he'd been putting off.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

"DiNozzo, with me," Gibbs said, getting up from his desk.

There was a pause as Tony looked over and Ziva. She looked back at him and said nothing. Gibbs hesitated for a fraction of a second and then decided to keep focused on what he needed to say.

"On your six, Boss," Tony said, quickly obviously trying to cover his momentary pause.

Gibbs led him to the elevator...and then, out of the building and to a bench in the park, facing the Barry.

"What is it, Boss?"

"How's it going?"

Tony looked self-conscious, but not so guilty as he had been for far too long, and Gibbs could tell, even before he spoke, that things were better.

"Pretty good," he said. "Dr. Hicks isn't letting me get away with anything and it's helped. He said it would get easy again and it is."

"Is it?"

"Almost. It's getting there. I'm making the effort. I promise." Tony hesitated and met his gaze. "Boss, why did you push this so much? I mean, I can see now that it's help I really needed, but you never push us to get that kind of help. You never want it yourself, but you made my job contingent on that."

Gibbs smiled a little. Tony didn't know it, but he was leading right to the major topic of conversation.

"I'm retiring. At the end of the year."

Tony's eyes widened in shock.

"What?"

"I'm retiring."

"Voluntarily?"

Gibbs chuckled. "Yes."

"Why?"

"Because I'm about ten years past when most agents retire. I'm getting old, DiNozzo."

Tony was silent for a few seconds.

"What... will you do?"

"Build boats. Go sailing. Be annoying to the people around me."

"So... you really want to retire?"

"You don't think I deserve to have some time when my life isn't defined by my job?"

Tony rolled his eyes and Gibbs smiled.

"So... why are you telling me this and not Ziva, too? We'll all need to know that."

"For the same reason I made you get straightened out, DiNozzo."

Tony's brow furrowed.

"I don't get it."

"You're going to lead the team."

The furrow cleared, mostly because Tony seemed shocked again.

"Me?"

"You should have had your own team a long time ago. Now you will, and I want it to be this team. I don't want my team broken up, not by something like this. If you go other places, that's your business, but not because the team can't work anymore."

Tony was silent as he digested what Gibbs had told him.

"So you need to talk to Tim."

"Yeah, I know. I just don't know how to do it now that I've been putting it off for so long."

"Do it anyway."

"Yeah. Ziva said the same thing." Then, Tony looked at him. "There might be a problem, Boss."

"What?"

"Ziva and I are dating."

Gibbs raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah, I know, Boss. And I'm sorry, but I don't care about your rule," Tony said. "We can work together."

"Can you be her boss?"

"I don't know. That's something else."

"You'll need to talk about that, too. ...unless you don't want it."

"I do. I really do," Tony said, quickly. "It just has some complications coming with it."

Gibbs was glad that there was no hesitation.

"Life tends to have that, you know."

"Yeah, I know. I'm still getting there, Boss. I'm better than I was. It's easier, but it's not completely easy yet. ...but the reason I'm working on it is because of Ziva. No offense, but it's not you. It's Ziva."

"Don't care why. I care that you're doing it."

"Yeah. Figured."

"But Tim has noticed that you're avoiding him. You need to talk to him about it all."

Tony sighed and nodded. "I know."

"He'll be coming back to work soon."

"I know that, too."

"Then, do something about it. Being a team lead is hard, Tony. You can't take the easy way out if you want to be good at it."

"I know how you feel about apologies, Boss, but I'm sorry I screwed things up."

"You didn't. You made them harder, but you didn't make them worse. I'm not the one who deserves an apology."

"Yeah, I know."

"Talk to Tim before he comes back. Talk to Ziva before everyone finds out I'm leaving. I don't care who's leading the team. I want there to be a team, Tony. That includes you."

Tony smiled that time.

"Thanks, Boss."

Gibbs smiled.

"Now, get back to work."

Tony laughed a little. "Your fault I'm out here."

"I know."

They got up and walked back into the building, and Gibbs was confident that things would work out. It would take some effort, but it looked like Tony was willing now, and he knew Tim would accept it, even if he had to express some anger at Tony's evasions before.

His team would survive his departure. That was the most important thing.