Insecurities

AJ was at her father's place she spoke to Agent Creed and now Punk was speaking to him so she took the time to wander around his apartment, one she had never been to. He had photos up of her and him from when she was a child. It seemed like his house was warm and didn't give off the vibe of someone about to end their own life. AJ looked over to Punk and Creed speaking then headed into her fathers bathroom. The crime scene unit was long gone and AJ was now looking where her father took his last breath. She looked at his sink and opened his medicine cabinet and was taken aback by the amount of medications in it.

"You ok?" Punk asked poking his head in.

"My dad was on a lot medication." She frowned. "Was he sick?"

"We're still waiting on toxicology reports back from the ME." Punk said walking over and looking. "Huh." He said eyeing some of the bottles.

"What?" She asked.

"Was your father bipolar?" He asked picking up a bottle and opening it.

"No. Why would you ask that?" She asked offended.

"My mother, my birth mother, is bipolar and she took some of these." He noted. "Everyone is different with their medications."

"Your mom is bipolar?" She asked.

"Uh-huh." He said looking at other bottled. "It all looks pretty simple. Over the counter shit."

"Your mom is bipolar, Phil." AJ repeated.

"What about it?" He asked.

"We're having a baby. That can be genetic." She noted.

"Will you not love our baby if she's bipolar?" Punk asked confused.

"Of course I'll love our baby it's just stuff I should know." She said to him with a sigh. "What is Creed saying out there?"

"That the paperwork your dad had they followed up on and but there were no signs of Dickie." Punk explained. "Same shit."

"What else runs in your family, medically?" She asked.

"I'm not sure Ape." He said to her and she glared at him. "Is it that important?"

"Of course it is." She said to him. "My doctor has asked for a family history and we don't know our parents history."

"I'll look into it." He shrugged.

"It's important, Phil." She said closing the medicine cabinet.

"And I'll take care of it." He assured her. "Do you want anything?"

"No." AJ said walking out of the bathroom and he followed her. "I'm not going to kid myself and pretend we had this great relationship. I feel sad that he died, I really do but I didn't know him."

"I get it." He nodded.

"He was a stranger to me." She said to him. "And it makes me mad that he did something so stupid as to look for Dickie and I know he meant well. I'm just so confused-"

"It's alright." He assured her. "One day at a time, that's all."

AJ walked over and grabbed a framed photo of them.

"I'll keep this." She said to him and Punk looked at it.

"Look at how cute you were." Punk teased.

"It was a father daughter dance in elementary school." AJ said with a light smile.

"I'll have everything else taken care of." Punk told her.

"Thank you." She said to him. "Do I have to talk to Creed again?"

"No." Punk said to her. "He got what he needed."

"Good. I want to go home because we have a big day tomorrow." She informed him.

"Do we now?" He asked.

"Well, you do. You're back to work and I'm going to worry all day." She said to him.

"I'll be fine. It's light duty." He said to her.

The next day AJ was at her office early, even before Peyton made in.

"Hey." Peyton greeted with a soft smile. "I'm so sorry about your father."

"Thank you." AJ said to her. "How did you know?"

"Those flowers on your desk were for you I read the card." Peyton said walking into her office.

"Oh." AJ said taking the card out. "Elliot."

"That's your ex right?" Peyton asked and AJ nodded.

"He's a good guy, just wasn't my guy." AJ said putting the card back in the flowers. "Sorry I've been out."

"It's fine." Peyton assured her. "Do you have anything new?"

"No, well yes and I could use your help." AJ said to her.

"Ok." Peyton said sitting down.

"What do you know about Phil's birth parents?" AJ asked her.

"Oh, wow." Peyton said surprised. "I wasn't expecting that."

"It's just Phil get's all closed off when ever I ask about them and I want to know their medical history for the baby." AJ explained.

"He does not talk about his birth parents." Peyton told her. "I don't even know their names I have met his brother."

"His brother?" AJ asked.

"Yea he has an older brother. We bumped into him at a Cubs game once." Peyton told her. "He didn't mention he had a brother?"

"No he did but I forgot to be honest." AJ said to her.

"I know his brother is still in contact with their parents." Peyton told her. "He might be your best bet."

"What's his name?" AJ questioned.

"I think it was Nathan." Peyton told her. "He called him Nate."

"Right." AJ nodded.

"I really think you should talk to Phil about this though." Peyton insisted. "He's a really cool guy until you start bringing up his blood family."

"I'm not going to do anything." AJ shrugged. "I'm just curious. I'm also worried. I'm worried about the baby that's all."

"I get that." Peyton said with a sad smile. "When I was pregnant with Jack I was worried all of the time. I knew I wouldn't be keeping him so I wanted to at least keep him healthy long enough, I can't imagine going through what you have while pregnant and still staying so strong."

"Phil keeps me strong and sane." AJ admitted.

"So I would talk to him before you start poking around Nate's life." Peyton warned.

"I guess." AJ said to her. "You know a few years ago I wouldn't care I'd just go off and do what I want and now I have all this responsibility to Phil and now this baby."

"It's a change." Peyton agreed. "But at the end of the day you go home to Phil and your baby. That's what counts."

"Yea." AJ had to agree.

"Maybe a new case will distract you?" Peyton suggested placing a large file on her desk. "I vetted everyone who came in or called while you were gone and organized it based on how long the case would take and who can pay the most."

"You're employee of the month." AJ grinned taking it.

"I should hope so." Peyton teased.

"How's Jack doing?" She asked.

"He's alright." Peyton said to her. "He wants to visit his father in prison I'm not sure how to handle that."

"In my experience a kid his age will find his way there on his own." AJ warned.

"I guess." Peyton said to her. "I just don't want him to turn Jack against me or something."

"You're a good mom." AJ assured her. "Every time I see Jack he's happy and smiling. But he should see his father behind bars. He's 16 now and he's smart enough to know who his real parent is."

"I guess." Peyton agreed.

"Ok, let's get to work so we can get some cases before maternity leave." AJ said eagerly opening the file.

Later that night AJ walked in the front door after ending up working a bit later. She smelled something the second she walked inside and froze.

"Hello?" She asked loudly.

"In the kitchen!" Punk yelled and AJ dropped her purse and headed into the kitchen and saw him cooking. "I'm cooking tonight." He grinned.

"You're home." She stated with a genuine surprise and smile.

"I am." He grinned. "I told you it's light duty. I can't go into the field yet and to be honest I'll probably keep this up until after Hartley is born."

"Hartley?" She asked.

"I mean we didn't agree on it yet but it's the only name in the hat." Punk reasoned.

"Hartley Elizabeth." AJ smiled. "I like it."

"I do too." He admitted. "I'm making pasta, sauce, chicken parm."

"Wow." She said removing her jacket. "I almost don't want to ruin this night."

"Uh-oh." He remarked putting the lid on his sauce.

"Why didn't you tell me you had a brother?" She asked sitting at the counter.

"You looked into me? My family? After I asked you not to?" He asked hurt.

"No I didn't." She told him honestly. "I wanted to. I wanted to know your family medical history and I was speaking to Peyton and she mentioned meeting your brother a brother you didn't think to tell me about."

"He's not my brother." Punk told her simply. "I asked you, April." He said annoyed shaking his head.

"I know but I'm like a dog with a bone and I'm scared all of the time and now I'm scared for the baby-"

"I am too." He said to her. "I told you I'd get you my family history and I will. I don't need you to dig up my brother or my parents to do so."

"I didn't do it! I thought about it and I didn't do it!" She defended. "Don't I get points for that?"

"My family life is personal." He told her coldly.

"I'm your wife." She scoffed. "You know every aspect of my life. You tell me I have to be open and honest all of the time and you're not open and honest with me. Your family is my family."

"My family isn't even my family." He reminded her.

"Imagine I had a sibling I never told you about." AJ said to him.

"They're not important to me." Punk told her simply.

"You haven't been honest with me." She argued. "Why? When I've let down my walls and let you in you haven't done the same for me?"

"I am honest. What you see is what you get with me." He argued back.

"It's not the same!" She yelled.

"My blood family doesn't exist to me, April." He reminded her. "They're not important and not worth me talking about. I grew up getting beat every day. Do you know what that's like? Would you want to relive that? Do you know what it's like to pick a branch of a tree so your father could beat you with it? Or watching your mother get beat up or watching her chase your father with a knife? Or a brother who was older and should have protected you just lock himself in his room and listen to you scream for help but snort or shoot up instead. That is a dark scary place that took me years to get away from."

"I didn't know any of that." She began to cry and he sighed.

"Don't cry-" He began and she shook her head.

"Your daughter makes me cry. I'm all hormonal." She wept grabbing a napkin to clean her face. "What a terrible way to grow up."

"It was." He agreed. "I don't want you looking into them. I don't want you knowing about them."

"I just wish you would have told me the truth." AJ said to him. "You act like you had this perfect life but you're as screwed up as I am." she cried and he had to laugh a bit.

"I never pretended I didn't have a past." He reasoned. "I just worked really hard to forget it."

"Is that healthy?" She asked.

"When Pam took me in we talked about. And it wasn't easy for her because I was hard to talk to. I was so scarred and fucked up from my childhood. It took a long time. I didn't wake up one day and decide I was better. It's an everyday battle. Why do you think I work in special victims? I want to be for a kid what someone wasn't for me." He explained.

"I just wish you felt you could talk to me about it." She said looking up at him.

"I know I can talk to you." He said to her.

"It seems my problems run wild and you take a backseat to everything." AJ admitted.

"I don't think that all." He assured her.

"I think it." She said to him.

"I'm in a good place. I have a good family now and I'm happy. I don't want to dredge up the past." He told her. "I told you I'd get medical history and I mean it but I have to do it on my own."

"Ok." She said to him.

"How about before dinner I finally show you the baby's room?" He offered and her face lit up.

"Really? It's all ready?" She asked clapping her hands together and he nodded.

AJ jumped out of her seat and raced to the stairs and he followed.

Punk unlocked the door and AJ stepped inside the dark room and Punk put on the light. It was amazing. It looked like it was from a magazine.

"Wow." She said in awe of it looking at the hot pink and black room. It was mostly hot pink but the furniture was black. The floor was wood with a black throw rug. It was amazing. Hot pink stuffed animals, a diaper changing table, a rocking chair black with a pink throw. It was matched perfectly. It was still cute and inviting but also cool.

"Phil." She said looking around and touching everything. "It's perfect."

She walked over to the dresser and saw a framed photo of AJ as a young girl with her mother.

"Had to include your mom." He said to her.

"It's beautiful." She insisted. "You did more than I thought you could."

"Thanks…I think." He said thinking about it.

She sat down in the chair that was in the corner and looked over to the crib.

"Are you alright?" He asked with a frown.

"Yea." She said with a smile. "It's all good."

"I know you well enough to see the wheels are spinning." Punk said to her walking further into the room and standing over her.

"What if my dad was bipolar and did kill himself?" AJ questioned looking up at him.

"It's possible I guess. I mean there's more evidence pointing to it not being that." Punk said to her.

"But what if that was the case?" She asked him.

"There's nothing we can do about it now, Ape." He reasoned. "I'm not trying to be insensitive."

"I know that." She said to him. "Your mom, my dad what if our daughter is bipolar?"

"Then we deal with it." He shrugged.

"We didn't deal with it with out own parents will we have the patience with our own child?" She asked concerned. "Are we going to give up on Hart like we did our parents?"

"Our relationships with our parents weren't our fault." He pointed out. "We were the kids. It wasn't our job to make it work it was there's. The parents are the adults whether they're fighting their own demons or not. We are the adults we'll know what's best for our daughter. We'll make it work."

"I feel like I maybe gave up too soon with him." AJ confided. "Do you feel that way with your parents?"

"No." Punk said without hesitation. "Your dad showed up." He pointed out. "It wasn't the right time and he was lazy about it but he loved you. My parents didn't love me, Ape. They didn't care when I moved out. They didn't even realize it until almost two months of me being gone and when they did realize it they came to Pam's and asked me to get the rest of my stuff before they tossed it."

"Either he died because he was sick mentally and I didn't take the time out to figure it out and I pushed him to the edge or he died trying to protect me." AJ said to him.

"You're not responsible for him and believe me AJ, he knew why you were mad and understood it. He wasn't a perfect man and he knew that. He was just trying to right some wrongs and that wasn't on you." He told her.

"I have no other family. No aunts or uncles or cousins." She said to him. "At least Hartley is going to have Pam and your sisters."

"Me and Hartley are your family." He reminded her. "Dean is your family. He's your brother as much as Pam is my mother. He'd probably be really hurt to hear you say that."

"I'm just a little lost." She said to him honestly.

"I get that. You've had a wild two years. You lost both your parents, you got married, you got pregnant, you moved your whole life to another City, started a new job. It would be weird if you weren't a little lost." He said to her. "But when you're lost just know I'm always going to find you."

"I know that." She said with a smile. "The room really is beautiful you did such a good job."

"This table over here holding the empty bottles and crap I got from the baby store, it's your old table from your mom's storage." He pointed out and her mouth dropped.

"It's is!" She said standing up and walking over to it.

"I stained it and cleaned it up a bit." He explained.

"It's beautiful." She said simply. "I'm sorry I doubted you." She said hugging him.

"Well I-" He frowned and looked down at her. "Doubted me?"

"Pam told me you couldn't hammer a nail into a wall so I'm impressed." She told him.

"I watched a lot of youtube videos on how to do this stuff." Punk said to her. "I have to say it was a lot of hard work but I loved doing this for her."

"She's going to love it." AJ insisted. "You thought of everything."

"Yea the room is baby proofed and everything." He told her proudly.

"She's going to love it here." She told him. "Hopefully she gets to use it."

"What's that supposed to mean?" He asked concerned.

"It means she's not sleeping in here while Dickie McCall is out there." AJ laughed. "He'll come right in and take another person I love away from me. I think not. She'll stay with us until it's safe."

"Right." He said to her.

"My mom, almost you, my dad- no one else." AJ said shaking her head.

"He won't." He said to her.

"I mean it Phil." She warned him. "I've been holding it together by a thread and that thread is about to snap. I need these next few months to be peaceful. I can't lose one more person. I won't survive it."

"You don't have to worry about that stuff." He told her. "I got you." He promised her.

"I believe you." She said to him.

"You should." He said to her. "Maybe you should take some time off work.""

"That's all I've done." She scoffed.

"But you were always doing something." He pointed out. "Taking care of me or traveling or doctors appointments. Maybe you should take a few days for yourself. Start to mentally prep yourself for labor. We haven't taken any of those birthing classes."

"I don't want to be around annoying people." She sighed. "I'm also not going to sit at home because if I do that I'll start to think and when I think I act out."

"Good point." He agreed quickly.

"You can't see your new room, Hart, but it's beautiful." She told her belly and looked into the crib and saw her childhood stuffed animal in the crib.

"Told you it would fit in the room." He told her.

Later that night Punk was sleeping soundly next to AJ who couldn't sleep. She kept looking over to Punk hoping he'd wake up but he wasn't. Her mind was running wild, she was thinking about her dad, she was thinking about Punk's awful childhood, she was thinking about Dickie McCall, she was thinking about what if her daughter inherited her father and Punk's mothers disorder. Would she even be a good enough mother to help her? She wasn't a good enough daughter to help her father. She felt her chest begin to pound and tears began to stream down her face. She didn't want to wake Punk so she jumped out of the bed and ran down the stairs. She slid open the back down and sat on her porch and let it all out as the panic hit her.

Punk was woken the second she jumped out of bed, his phone also went off when the backdoor opened since AJ didn't turn the alarm off. He sat up and grabbed his jacket since it was chilly and went in search of her.

"Ape?" He asked not expecting to find her this way.

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to wake you." She cried.

"Come inside." He instructed.

"I just need a minute." She insisted.

"It's freezing out." He said to her but she didn't budge. He instead took his jacket off and putting it around her.

"I don't know what's wrong with me." She said to him.

"It's a panic attack." He told her rubbing her back. "You just have to try to calm down because the baby."

"I know." She said shaking her head. "How can we raise our daughter with him out free? What's to stop him from taking her away from me like everyone else? And I haven't even met her yet but I love her so much, I don't think I'd survive."

"I get that." Punk said to her. "We'll get him. We'll be raising our daughter and she'll run free in the yard and we won't have to worry."

"I don't know remember what it's like to not worry." She confided. "I'm constantly worried. I'm worried about you I'm worried about Dean and Hart-"

"You're a mother already." He told her. "It's understandable. But you can't let it eat it up you like this it's not fair. This should be the happiest time of your life."

"It's not." She admitted. "Every time I feel good something happens. I can't be happy. It's foreign to me at this point."

"What can I do?" Punk asked her.

"Nothing." She admitted. "There's nothing you can do. I don't think even if you got Dickie tomorrow I'd feel safe. My sense of security is gone and I don't know how to ever get it back."

"It's not something you can just wake up and have. It takes time. You'll get it." He told her and extended his hand to her. "Please come inside, it's freezing." He insisted.

She took his hand and both froze when they heard banging at the front door.

"You set off the alarm, it's the police." Punk realized.

"Sorry." She sighed.

"Go up to bed I'll take care of it." He told her and she nodded and head back upstairs.

AJ went back upstairs but before going into her room she stepped into Hartley's room and looked around it again and felt her begin to kick.

"I hear you. I feel you." AJ assured her daughter soothingly pacing her hand over the small kicks.