Once we had manoeuvred Jasper safely back to dorms, I left him in Monty's care and returned to my studying Trig as I strained to memorise the words. It was far more challenging to concentrate now as I worried about his worsening condition and I knew that I was not retaining much information. Although it had been relatively well controlled recently thanks to the output of training with Octavia, I could feel the familiar niggle of anger at the back of my mind. Every little hint of damage that I noticed in my loved ones only further fuelled the fury that I harboured for Mount Weather and Jasper provided the most potent supply of this. I caught myself tugging at my hair again and I attempted to contain my various other nervous ticks whilst I poured over my notes. Eventually, after some sustained struggles, I managed to engross myself in the task and became so lost in my work that I completely lost track of time.
I startled as Bellamy appeared at my side to encourage me to come for dinner and after a meal alongside some other campers, I followed him toward his quarters in a daze. He drew my attention back to the current moment when he took a turn that led outside of the Ark's structure and glanced back over his shoulder at me with a coy smile.
"I've got a surprise for you." He stated cryptically and I viewed him with suspicion. "You'll love it, trust me." He drawled and I swallowed my anxiety as he took my hand to guide me out to the far edge of camp.
I was unsure what expectations to place on a surprise from Bellamy and the entire concept left me with an uneasy feeling in my stomach. He'd never initiated anything of this nature in the past and I noticed that we were entering an area with almost no lighting, save a single lantern that I could spot in the distance. Once we got closer, I discerned a blanket spread out on the grass with a mini radio and Bellamy guided me toward it. He halted at the edge of the blanket and turned to face me with a bashful smile that was unusual from him.
"I know that we haven't had much time together lately and I wanted to fix that." He explained as he rubbed the back of his neck and I recognised that he was uncomfortable with presenting this gesture. It was a trait that I'd noticed more than once in him since we'd been involved, as if he were afraid of anyone knowing that he was kind. He stooped down to grab something and when he straightened back up, he waved a glass bottle with only a small amount of whisky remaining in the bottom. "Don't worry, it's not enough to get you wasted again." He smirked as he clocked my reluctant expression.
"You're cute, you know that?" I remarked and he shook his head. He settled down on the blanket and without warning grabbed my hand to pull me down with him. The radio was playing soft music in the background and he switched off the lantern to plunge us into darkness. "What are you up to?" I questioned and he wrapped an arm around my shoulders to gently guide me to lay back. I gasped as the sky came into view and I could sense him smiling beside me.
"Now you can see the stars properly." He whispered as I stared up at the sparkling sky with fascinated eyes and instead of joining me, I could feel that he was watching my reaction fondly.
I had never particularly taken the time to look at the stars since our arrival here, figuring that I'd spent enough time seeing them on the Ark, but it seemed that there was something different about them now. Perhaps it was the atmosphere, the fresh night air or the subtle music in the background that made me appreciate the twinkling lights through new eyes. Mostly, I suspected that it was Bellamy's presence that made everything feel strangely perfect.
The cool breeze encouraged me to move closer to him and we easily slotted together until we were completely wrapped up in each other. I could feel Bellamy gradually relaxing as we stared up at the sky and was glad that I was able to lower his walls as well as he did mine. The music filled the comfortable silence whilst we sipped on whisky that warmed us against the night.
"You alright, Love? You seem tense." Bellamy's low voice carried an obvious concern and I sighed thoughtfully. Despite my desire to remain in the moment with him, my mind continued to swirl with the issues of the day and I knew that he would want me to confide in him.
"Sorry, just a bit distracted I guess. Jasper's not doing too well, I'm trying not to be worried...but I am." I grumbled under my breath and he turned his attention back to examine my face.
"I thought he was improving?" He enquired as he furrowed his brows at me attentively and I shook my head.
"So did I. He didn't turn up for his shift in mechanical today so Monty and I had to go searching for him. Found him totalled under a table." I explained in a tired voice and he seemed to be considering my words. I could tell that he was equally troubled by this revelation and I felt immediately as if my feelings were justified. "I just wish I could do more to help him, it's hard to watch him suffer." I confessed in a quiet voice and Bellamy sighed regretfully. I knew that it was difficult for him to see Jasper in such a state of mind, especially considering that he was heavily involved in the awful situation that had caused it.
"Maybe he needs reminding of who he was before all of this. I could recommend him for the guard if it would help? It would get him active and out of camp. Might give him a boost to feel like he's protecting people again?" He suggested carefully and I smiled up at him appreciatively.
"You might be right, maybe it is time to stop pandering him. I only began to recover from my losses when I was forced to focus on something else." I pondered as I strained to produce any alternative suggestions for Jasper and felt that I was getting to the end of my tether. "Just promise me that you'll speak to him about it first, before Kane?" I requested gently in my best effort to ensure that I didn't sound condescending.
"Of course, whatever you think is best for him." He agreed easily and I sighed in relief. It was a treasured comfort to know that Bellamy genuinely cared about issues that bothered me and would always support me. I'd never had someone I could so easily depend on other than Octavia and it was a welcome experience to discover a new type of relationship. "I'll do whatever I can to help. After all, I'm part of the reason he's like this." He added with a guilty tone in his voice and I peeked up at him with my brows knitted together.
"Bellamy, you didn't have any other choice. It's awful that this whole mess left Jasper so broken, but if you hadn't done it, he'd be dead." I asserted as my heart ached for him and he shifted slightly against me. I despised seeing him tormented by this decision and wished that I could simply remove the pain of our experiences for everyone.
"I know, but that doesn't change anything that happened. I killed everyone in that bunker, including someone that Jasper cared about. I have to face that." He elaborated firmly and I continued to examine him with concern blossoming in my chest. "Take responsibility for my choices, you taught me the importance of that." He confirmed with a smile as he met my eyes and I sighed deeply.
"It's a fine line between taking responsibility and blaming yourself though, baby. Your actions saved all of our lives and you only made the choice when there were no other options left available to you. You don't deserve to punish yourself for that." I argued with a fierce determination and he hummed thoughtfully in response. "You know, you spend so much time worrying about everyone else. Sometimes I wish that you'd let me take care of you for once." I revealed as I smiled at him fondly and he observed me with an uncertain expression.
"You do take care of me, Indie." He commented with a smile and I felt my heart flutter at his confirmation. We sat in silence for a while and I felt myself relax in his embrace in a way that nothing else was able to calm me. Bellamy pointed out constellations and I could recognise from his expressions that he was sharing something he genuinely enjoyed with me. I wondered if anyone else in our camp realised that he was this warm and attentive of a person. It felt like there was a completely different side of him that he shielded from everyone else and I felt privileged that he trusted me with these parts of him. "You ever miss life in the stars?" His sudden question caught me off guard and I glanced over to find him still staring at the sky with a wistful expression.
"Fuck no!" I exclaimed and the veracity of my tone drew his attention to my face in surprise. "Floating around in an ancient heap of space junk, surrounded by corrupt asshole guards who only exist to make life difficult for everyone else? Nah, not for a second. Besides, how could it ever compare after experiencing Earth. Feeling the air on my skin, the beautiful scenery, seasons, smells, the sunset. What's there to miss in space?" I rambled as I thought aloud and Bellamy analysed my face closely.
"You're telling me that there's nothing you miss? Not even from your childhood?" He questioned with an obvious disbelief and I sighed deeply.
"Honestly, no. Life on the Ark sucked for me, I don't know what else to say. Meeting Octavia was the highlight of my time there and that was in lockup. It's sad to admit but at least whilst I was behind bars, I didn't go hungry or have to worry about losing anything. I knew exactly what to expect there." I admitted with a melancholy smile and he watched me with interest as I continued to reflect. "I don't know, I guess I miss my mother...when I was young, before everything went to shit." I answered in a low voice and he made a sympathetic expression.
"What about your dad? You've never mentioned him?" Bellamy enquired as he leaned closer to study me with curiosity filling his handsome features and I flinched involuntarily.
"Yeah, I don't really." I clarified, as I mentally prepared myself for the conversation. It was a topic that I'd actively avoided until now and I had honestly hoped that it would never surface between us. My past was filled with pain and suffering, and it seemed easier to bury it than to allow it to affect anyone's perspective of me. I reminded myself that Bellamy had never judged me for anything that he'd learned of my life and took a deep breath to steady my nerves. "My dad was Vega." I muttered and I felt the jolt of surprise in him as his back straightened.
"The Vega that almost blew up the Ark?" He breathed in disbelief and I nodded silently. "But they executed him years ago?" He questioned and I could see him running the numbers in his mind.
"I didn't know him that well, I was only 5 when he went off the rails. My memories are pretty hazy, but from what I do remember he was a decent enough father. Everyone pretty much wrote him off as a nutjob conspiracy theorist, including my mother and I. Then the council shipped us off to Earth, Clarke told us all about the oxygen running out and I'm beginning to realise that a lot of his ideas about the leadership lying to us don't sound that far fetched after all." I confessed as I slowly revealed thoughts that I had been trying to deny since we arrived on Earth and Bellamy listened calmly whilst I bared my darkest secret. "He's the reason I am who I am. All of the time that I had with him when I was small, he was preaching about survival and always being one step ahead of your enemies. When I got a bit older, long after he'd been executed, I found all of his batshit crazy journals speculating that we'd end up on Earth before we expected." I recalled and Bellamy's eyes widened at this information. "I may not have agreed with his theories and I definitely don't agree with the methods that he resorted to, but he taught me to value survival. There was a lot of wisdom in between the insane ramblings." I finished talking in a mumble and shuffled awkwardly on the blanket, fearing that I'd said too much.
I had never told anyone who my father was, not even Octavia. At most, I'd perhaps accidentally mentioned that he taught me things, but I'd been careful to ensure that I never disclosed any details. Vega was the alias that he used to protect his identity when he began to take radical action against the council and it was a name that to most of the citizens on the Ark was associated with terrorism. It created too complicated an impression of my morals and background to discuss with anyone, and it wasn't a legacy that I was proud to be associated with. I felt a lurch of fear in my stomach as I worried that this would taint Bellamy's opinion of me, but he simply smiled at me with the same fondness as before.
"That explains a lot about you, actually. All of that wisdom way past your age." He commented with a sly wink and I couldn't help smiling in return. "You're lucky to have those journals to get to know your old man better, no matter who he was." He added in a bitter manner and I viewed him with sympathy.
"You two didn't know your dad, right?" I asked as I remembered that Octavia had mentioned this briefly once, before she firmly shut down to any further conversation about her family and he nodded in confirmation of my suspicion.
"Mom did her best with us, you know. She read to us, tried to teach us what she could. It can't have been easy raising us alone, especially whilst hiding Octavia." He remarked and I relished in the opportunity to learn anything about his childhood. Although Octavia and I had talked for hours about almost every topic in the cramped spaces of lockdown, she was never particularly open about her upbringing. She'd shared memories of the trauma of hiding under the floor and complained multiple times that Bellamy was suffocatingly protective alongside his sensible nature, but I was interested to hear things from his perspective.
"What kinda stuff did she read to you?" I probed as I leaned in closer to snuggle against him and he smiled warmly at the sky as he was lost to his own reflection.
"Mythology mostly, I was really into it so I think she humoured me. The Iliad was my favourite, I don't even know how many times she read that to us." He recounted and I watched him with an adoring flutter in my chest. "Octavia ever tell you that I named her?" He turned to face me with a proud expression and I shook my head to encourage him to continue. In truth, I did know this already, but I was content to just sit and listen to him talk for hours. "Mom let me choose and being the big mythology nerd that I was, I chose Octavia." He chucked under his breath and I relished the sound.
"It's a solid choice." I commented, earning a sideways smile that made my stomach fizz.
"I think those are the days that I miss most, even with all the fear of someone finding out about Octavia. When she was still little and it was just the three of us in our home." He sighed and I gripped him a little tighter in an innate need to provide comfort.
"I guess things were simpler for you then, you didn't have so many people looking to you for leadership." I remarked and he hummed. "I meant what I said before, Bel. If you don't want to deal with it anymore, I'll back you up. It's a lot on your shoulders and you already took enough responsibility and risks for us so far. I'll fight Kane myself if I have to." I asserted and he glanced over at me with amusement.
"I don't doubt that from you." He chuckled. "It's a lot, but I can handle it Love, especially with you around watching out for me. Don't worry." He smiled as he placed a tender kiss on my forehead and I sighed in contentment. "I wouldn't change anything, not even the stuff that went down on the Ark, it all brought us to now." He admitted and I could hardly handle the sweetness of his words.
"Octavia thinks we'd have met anyway. If, by some miracle, I didn't get floated, I'm sure she'd have made sure we met." I relayed from our last conversation about the strangeness of me dating her brother and he shrugged in agreement. "You think we'd ever have gotten along on the Ark?" I wondered aloud and he scoffed.
"Oh, I'd have been all over you from the moment that I saw you." He drawled and I sniggered beside him.
"You think so?" I breathed between laughter as I enjoyed the idea of his pursuit in a situation that wasn't constantly life threatening.
"Indie, I don't know many times I have to say this, but you're hot. If we're being really honest, that was the very first thing I thought when we met." He crooned in a suggestive tone and I gasped at his confession. "Besides, you wouldn't have given me so much attitude on the Ark, we'd probably have had a much easier time getting to know each other." He theorised with a wink and I smiled at the thought.
"Hey, you were kind of a dick at first, I had no choice! And also inconveniently attractive, I think it actually made me even more annoyed with you." I confessed and he held a hand up in surrender. "What makes you so confident that I'd have kept you around me anyway?" I teased and he pretended to be offended momentarily before cracking into a smile.
"You would have! I know you remember how smart I looked when we met. I'd have kept showing up, being charming and that chemistry that we have, it would've won you over. You wouldn't have resisted." He explained in a tone that was equal parts confident to joking and I snorted loudly as I burst into laughter.
"Oh god, that would never have worked!" I gasped in disbelief and he chuckled with me. "I hated that smooth act you used to put on, with the damn pick up lines. And if you think I'm difficult now, you have no idea how much colder I was on the Ark." I revealed and his eyes lit up at this idea. "Besides, I prefer your hair in it's natural style, it suits you." I crooned as I reached up to touch his curly locks and he smiled.
"I'm glad that Earth brought me to you." He clarified and I smiled at him in earnest.
"Well, I think you're right. No matter how we met, we'd have ended up together. I'm glad it's here and now though." I replied with a strange feeling as I realised that I meant it.
- O - O - O - O - O -
Although our new routine kept us busy, I was glad that I was starting to feel a sense of normalcy. We would never be able to fully forget the threat that life on Earth inherently featured, but knowing that within these walls I could let down my guard gave me a chance to recharge. I didn't like to acknowledge it, but maintaining a strong facade for so long had been taxing and it was refreshing to be able to simply be myself. Bellamy and the guard group were taking the rover out for regular patrols and the project to map the area was in full swing. Every time that he left the camp was still nerve wracking, but I was learning to channel this anxious energy into improving my own skills and made myself useful in this new society that we were building.
I noticed that most of our small family was beginning to adapt to the authority of the adults who now lead our people and was thankful that my training with Octavia kept me apart from having to submit to their politics. There was something fascinating in observing the differences in which the more rebellious of us each dealt with the change in dynamic; Bellamy had taken the route of proving himself valuable enough to have an input, whilst Monty pulled the strings from behind the scenes to manoeuvre things the way that he wanted for Jasper and him, much as I imagined they had on the Ark. Raven simply blatantly ignored the rules and was generally able to get away with it because of her exceptional talent, knowledge and a few good contacts. Lastly, Octavia and I simply remained on the sidelines, living our own lifestyle as she and Lincoln continued to impart grounder wisdom on me that seemed to make more sense as the days passed. Jasper split his time between his newly assigned guard duty and mechanical, which granted me almost all of my free time back. I'd fallen into the habit of assisting in the kitchen occasionally, which is where I found myself today whilst Bellamy was out patrolling.
I assisted with simple tasks, such as cleaning ingredients or chopping vegetables, whilst others focused on the actual cooking. This was beneficial to me as I had been experiencing nightmares again since the regular patrols started and I could often feel a storm of emotions brewing at the back of my mind during the day. My time in the kitchens kept me distracted enough to survive until my loved ones returned home and I worked quietly at the back of the room. I had been there for so long that I knew they would be back soon and my hands ached from the strain. I was shocked when the handle of the old knife that I was using snapped off and fell to the floor with a thud. Another assistant noticed the problem and wandered over to my side with a smile.
"I'm honestly surprised that didn't happen sooner! Those are from the Ark, they're practically antiques." She commented with a smile and I shrugged carelessly in return. "Here, we got some decent ones from that last Mount Weather run." She added as she placed a fresh blade beside me and strolled off to continue her work without a backwards glance.
I stared down at the horrifyingly familiar design with a wave of nausea washing over me. It was almost identical to the ones that I'd taken from the dining hall to protect myself with and as I lifted it into my shaking hands, I felt terror run down my spine. There was a sense of gravity as I turned it over in my palm to find my reflection staring back at me in the blade. Countless terrified faces flashed through my mind as I recalled all of the people that I'd killed with these and the sheer brutality of my actions struck me with a crushing clarity. There was a distinct lack of sound, as if I were underwater as my consciousness was lost to memories and I held the handle of the knife tightly from the fear that I might lose control as I felt the familiar anger in my chest. The emotions came on so fast that my body seemed as if it didn't have suitable space to house them as they clambered for a way to exit.
Suddenly, I became aware of a threat in my immediate vicinity and before I could stop myself, I whipped around to hold the blade out threateningly at my attacker. I fell easily into a defensive posture that my muscle memory coordinated without any input from my conscious mind and it took a few profoundly fearful moments to realise that the person my body was trying to protect me from was Bellamy. He held his hands in front of him in a gesture of trust and as I met his eyes, I found that instead of fear or hurt as I would have expected, he simply was apologetic. I hissed as I quickly dropped the knife on the side and he stepped closer to me without any hesitation or signs of being intimidated.
"Indie, you're bleeding." He commented as he searched around for something on the counters.
I couldn't drag my eyes away from the blood as it gushed from my hand and I struggled to understand if I was hallucinating. For a moment, I was back in Mount Weather, covered in the blood of those who I had attacked and I felt myself heavily trembling all over. The red tinged knife continued to glint up at me and I couldn't hear anything over the cacophony of screaming in my mind as I played back the last cries of my victims. There was pressure on my hand, but I couldn't bring myself to focus on it or understand exactly what was being done to my wound. All at once, the warmth of fingertips brushed against my cheek and my heart almost almost leapt out of my chest as I automatically threw myself backwards.
"Don't touch me!" I spat in a tone that was venomously aggressive and as my attention finally returned to the room, I finally comprehended that Bellamy was studying me with a painful concern. There were several other members of the kitchen team crowded around the spot where I'd cornered myself and I felt my chest burning as I panted in an effort to catch my panicked breath. Bellamy kept his eyes keenly trained on me as he held his arms out to indicate for everyone else to stay away and I felt blood running down my arm as I noticed that the stained towel that must have been wrapped around my arm had dropped to the floor.
"You all need to leave, I'll deal with her." Bellamy instructed and although there was an initial reluctance, when he remained stubbornly staring me down they all eventually filtered out. He softened his expression as he observed me and tears slowly rolled down my cheeks. "I'm sorry I startled you." He offered in a gentle tone as he waited patiently out of my space and I battled to force my feelings back into their prison at the back of my mind. "It's just us, there are no other threats in here. You're safe Love, it's okay." He spoke in a careful, reassuring tone and I took a slow, steadying breath as I absorbed his words. "You're hurt. We need to get pressure on that. Can I...can I touch you?" He breathed and I was so touched by his consideration that I managed to nod nervously.
Bellamy stepped forward in a cautious movement and delicately wrapped a fresh towel around my palm. Every tiny coordination of his fingers was measured and it was painfully obvious that he was trying to minimise the contact between us as much as possible. When he finished containing the bleeding, he met my eyes with a sympathetic smile that shattered the last of my walls. I sniffed back my tears and dried my cheeks in an effort to compose myself.
"I'm...I'm really sorry." I whispered and he simply shook his head at me firmly.
"Don't apologise." He insisted and at the selflessness of his words I threw myself into his chest. He was startled by the sudden contact, but quickly recovered and wrapped his arms around me tightly. I finally felt able to push the last of my terror away with his warmth surrounding me and as he placed a tender kiss on my forehead, I regained my control.