Hello lovely readers! I know it's been five years since my last update, and I feel terrible about it because I did have a lot of readers during that time ask me what happened. I've come back to Mermaid of Panem so many times, reading it and trying to imagine more chapters, but it wasn't until this year that I really wanted to finally write again. I got back into my Hunger Games love just recently after watching it again and just said why not! I feel that the reason I stopped was because Finnick died stupidly, I mean he saved everyone, but still why? He had been through so much and the author was like aight let's fucking kill this bitch with lizard mutts. I honestly don't know if anyone will read this, but I just want to write especially with the hard year that 2020 has been. If you are a new reader, I just want to say thank you for hopping on this train and this story will be vastly different than the HG books, because Annie will be a big part of the rebellion and Finnick aint dying in this, Suzanne! Without further ado, The Mermaid of Panem.
Home.
It felt like years since I had been away from District 4 when in reality it had been less than a month. A part of me craved desperately to be home and to see my family, but another part of me was too afraid to go back. How would I be able to look at everyone after all that I did? Would they all hate me for having gotten the kind boy with no head killed? At the interview I had seen everyone in District 4 celebrate my victory, but perhaps it was just as much of a lie as the ones I told during the Games.
His parents, they would have to be at the train station to welcome me back – would they hate me? Finnick says that I shouldn't think about that, but I don't think it's possible for me not to when I know how his body returned home…
"Lake run!"
I close my eyes as I stand in front of the bathroom mirror of the train, my hands gripping the edge of the marble sink to the point of breaking. The darkness is wrapping itself around me once more, trying to drag me into the abyss that I fear not being able to return from.
"Lake run!"
The arena surrounds me – the endless number of trees, the dam, the caves, everything. I try to pull away from that horrid place, but I see it all too clearly. I see their faces as if they were still here with me. His gentle kiss on my lips as he told me he had always loved me. The small girl's kindness as we skinned the rabbit. The sweet boy that was too kind for this world. The beast. The damn breaking. I see everything. Every single moment is relived.
But it's not exactly the same as it had happened.
The darkness creates new moments that try to morph the truth of what really occurred. The dam is filled with blood, the blood of those that I murdered. The boy with no head is still here with me, haunting me for what I had done to him. The sweet boy is a mutt that tries to kill me. And the beast…the beast is truly me.
I look back at my reflection – the reflection of a young girl that no longer shined as they all said she did. I try to tell myself what was real and what wasn't as Finnick had done last night. With every memory that tortures me I try to find the reality. This was the only way to continue pretending. Pretending that I was fine. That I was still me, so that the people I loved didn't fear me or worry.
"Annie?" Finnick knocks on the bathroom door, drawing me away from my thoughts. "Annie is everything okay?"
I press my hands to my eyes, taking a deep breath as my mind snaps back in place – an occurrence that was now becoming normal to me.
"Anwyn? I'm going to come in."
I open the door before he does, offering him a small smile. "Sorry. I just needed a moment…"
Finnick stares at me for a moment with worry clear in his expression. I hate myself for doing this to him when he had his own fears and problems to deal with. Even when I had calmed after my nightmare last night he had stayed awake with me, knowing that I wouldn't be able to sleep.
"You haven't showered," he breathes out tiredly.
"I was about to…"
In truth I had been about to shower for the last hour, but every time I thought about the water falling down on me the fear came rushing back. I would see the dam breaking over and over again, drowning me.
"Would…would you like for me to be in here with you…while you shower?"
His offer makes me smile. He sounded so shy as if he had never seen me naked or anyone else for that matter. I knew the truth though. While he had many lovers that were forced on him, Finnick had no experience being with someone he loved and wanted. He still didn't know how to act around me at times. He didn't want to frighten me with his desire, a desire I had seen every time that we kissed and touched.
"Finnick Odair are you trying to get me to shower with you?
"No!" he blushed a deep red under his bronze skin. "No, of course not. I just thought that maybe you would…I didn't –"
I raise myself on my toes so that I'm at his height and kiss him softly, slowly. "Because if you are, then I would have to tell you that I'd like that very much," I murmur against his lips.
"Anwyn…"
"I don't bite, unless you ask me to," I say the same words he had told me all those weeks ago when he had sat next to me to watch the rest of the reapings.
He laughs at my imitation of him, my voice exaggeratingly sexy. Before I can keep teasing him, Finnick takes my face between his hands and kisses me passionately. I moan softly into this kiss as he walks us both towards the shower, my hands caressing his naked chest while his own grip my silk clad waist.
"Finnick," I sigh against his lips.
It's my voice that brings him back to the present, away from this moment where it's just us and there is nothing to fear. I should've kept quiet. It's my fault that he pulled away from our moment.
"Anwyn," he rests his forehead against mine. "Tell me what I can do. What can I do to help you, my love?"
Taking his hands in mine, I place a kiss on his knuckles and gaze up at him. "You've already done so much for me, Finnick."
"It doesn't feel that way. I feel like you're slipping away from me…"
I shake my head. "You're my anchor, Finnick. I feel whole when I'm in your arms and that's because you've done so, so much for me. You've given me your love and your trust. I can't ask you for anything else."
He wants to say more, I can see it in his sea-green eyes, but he knows that Mags was right. We all come out of the arena with different wounds that will scar just as differently. Some victors turned to Morphling, others to alcohol, and so many other vices that have over the years sunk them deeper into their despair. I…I needed time. I needed to heal and for that to happen I needed time.
"Shower?" he arched a brow.
I smile, knowing that for now he would give the time I asked for. I had told him about my mind breaking but even with him knowing that vulnerable part of me I still had to understand it myself. He would continue to help in any way that he could through the darkness, but he would not pressure me.
I love him so much.
"Shower," I agree. "Unless you're too nervous…"
His laugh echoes through the bathroom as he turned on the shower, the water startling me as it beat against the marble flooring. "Oh, Cresta. Have you even seen a man naked?" he teased.
I look away from the water and back to him, my face blushing just as he had only moments ago when I had been the one teasing him. "Maybe…" I lie.
"Really?" he looks at me with amusement, his hands pulling at waist of his black pajama bottoms.
I try not looking at the deep V-line of his hips or the way that his pants are far too low for it to be proper. He slowly closes the small distance between us, his eyes on me and that dimpled smile on his handsome face.
"Do you know what I think?" he whispers in my ear once he's close enough.
I shiver at feeling his warm breath against me, his fingers undoing my messy braid while his left hand drew me closer to his body.
"I think you're lying," he places a kiss on my neck.
My mouth suddenly felt dry at the way his words caressed me just as his hands were. Every moment that I was close to Finnick made me feel this way – breathless, loved, oblivious to the world around us. Only this mattered. Only us.
"We really should shower. We're almost home and Mags is probably waited for us to have breakfast."
I nod shakily in agreement. "Right…we should do that…now."
Finnick laughs again at my jumbled-up words and again I feel another piece of my aching heart begin to rebuild. "Nervous?" he grins.
"I don't like you," I mock glare.
His laugh only grows louder. "You love me. You told me you did last night and Ms. Cresta there are no take backs."
"Did I say that? No, it must've been someone else."
"Must've been," he grins, dragging my nightgown over my hips.
"Maybe if you kiss me some more I might recall the moment you speak of…"
"If I kiss you, you say?"
I bite my lip, nodding as I lift my arms up for him to take off my nightgown, leaving me only in my lace panties. "Kissing would certainly help."
"Well then I suppose we should do that," he suddenly brings his lips against mine.
Every thought is forgotten just as before. All that matters is the feel of his lips and body against my own. That gentle scent of ocean breeze that is all him and reminds of home warms my very being.
I feel his hands touching the waist of my panties, asking me for permission to which I grant by placing my own hand on top of his and pulling against the thin lace. I'm naked in a matter of seconds, my clothes now discarded on the floor that I push away with my foot as Finnick touched the water behind me.
"It's warm now," he says.
I nod. "Okay."
"Aren't you going to undress me?"
My gaze falls to his lower half once more before looking back up at him. Shyly, I let my hands slide from around his neck to the waistband of his pants and tug them down, as well as his own black underwear. I don't dare look down. Whatever bravery I had when I'd told him to shower with me had now all but vanished, leaving me a blushing mess that hid her face in the crook of his neck.
"Let's get in before it freezes on us," he murmurs against the crown of my head where he places a tender kiss.
"Mmhm."
He leads me into the glass shower, my toes flinching as they touched the wet floor. I fight to control myself from breaking down in front of Finnick, he didn't need to see this irrational fear I now felt. It was just water. Water that could drown me like the dam tried to. Water that could turn into the blood of the fallen.
No, it wasn't just water. Not to me.
And Finnick was beginning to realize it more and more, because when he moves me under the steady stream of water I quickly jump back with a scared shriek.
Why so afraid Anwyn? Don't you like the water?
"Sorry," I quickly say to Finnick, ignoring the voices that taunt me. "It's just a little hot…"
It wasn't. The water to anyone else would have been the perfect temperature and Finnick knew that, but he said nothing to contradict me. Instead he placed a kiss on my forehead and moved to stand under the water himself with me now slightly away from it.
"Here, let me wash your hair," he says.
Out of the corner of my eye I see him place his hand under the dispenser, a floral scented gel falling on his palm. He then moves back to me, massaging it into my long hair gently. His touch soothes the constant headache that I'd felt from the moment I'd woken up in the training center, following the Games.
I lean my head back in pleasure, all too content to let him bathe me. It had been years since someone other than my prep team had washed my hair – neither my mother's touch nor Afton's compared to having Finnick's hands. They were all different, a different form of attention. My mother, she would sing to me when I was a little girl as she gently ran her delicate hands through my curled hair. Afton, his touch was precise and artistic, yet I felt safe with him too.
Finnick, he was…His touch brought me to life. Now more than ever I craved such a touch – one that had the power to help me fight against my demons. I could live a thousand lives and I would never forget what if felt to have him caress my skin.
"You're falling asleep…"
I smile, leaning my head back more until it rests against his chest and look up at him. The water dripped down his hair softly, and the drops slowly made their way to his shoulders and further down his body.
He's so beautiful.
"You're very good at this," I finally reply, my eyes closing once more as his hands ran down the sides of my body.
"I've never showered with anyone – no, that's not true. I have, but it wasn't…I don't know why I'm saying this."
My lips press together in anger, not at him. Never with him. My anger was directed to the Capitol, to President Snow. I could only imagine what exactly Finnick was used to happening in the shower. What horrid memories he now lived with. They had taken so much from him.
You've given him so much more, Mags had said.
I would try. I would do whatever I could to mend this broken boy with my love just as he wanted to mend me with his. He deserved to be happy. I would do anything that I could to be that happiness.
"I've never showered with anyone either," I turn around in his arms so I'm now facing him. "It's both our first."
Finnick smiles at my response. "Our first," he agrees.
"Although it has to be a secret, Mr. Odair. I don't think my father would be at all pleased knowing that we're showering together, it's not very proper."
He laughs quietly, but then his expression is one of worry.
"What?" I ask him at sudden change of mood.
"Do you think they'll like me?"
I blink up at him, not understanding for a moment before realization dawns on me.
"My family?"
He nods. "Most people back home don't like me. I'm worried what they'll think of me when they see how close we are. They'll think that I –"
I kiss away his worries, my arms wrapping around his neck and hands playing with the ends of his wet hair. "They'll love you because I love you. My parents won't judge you for what's shown to us by the Capitol."
"Still I –"
My finger on his lips silences him. "You brought me home, Finnick. You brought me back to them and I know they'll be grateful for it. For you."
"You really think so?"
"I know so."
He hugs me to him, holding me lovingly. Our wet, naked skin sliding against each other in a manner that makes us both shiver at the intimate contact. As shy as I was at having our bodies this close in a state of undress I didn't feel uncomfortable, not once. His hands never touched more than my waist unlike when I was forced to dance with Seneca Crane – the memory of the Gamemakers cold hands running up my naked back and close to the curve of my behind still making me shake with fear.
"You know I washed your hair, but you still haven't offered to do the same. If I recall correctly I once asked you if you'd like to touch something long and thick," he teased.
I snort, trying and failing to keep my gaze from wandering down his muscled body. My eyes widen at his…at that. It wouldn't fit, surely not. I couldn't imagine us making love without immense discomfort on my part, right? I quickly look away and hide my face against his chest, which I feel shaking in soft laughter.
"My sweet, shy girl."
His sweet, shy girl. I would always be his that was true, but sweet and shy…That would change drastically as time went by. The sweetness he saw in me would become bitterness and anger with each passing day. He would make love to me, but the Capitol would tear me apart.
After showering and dressing we head to the dining room where Mags was enjoying her morning coffee and some warm biscuits, an array of jams and fruits also covering the elegant table. I ignore the empty chair next to her, trying to focus on anything other than what it represented.
"Good morning," I smile at her as Finnick sweetly placed a kiss on her head. Their tender interaction warming my heart, they truly cared for one another.
"Good morning, sweetheart."
She doesn't ask me how I slept or how I felt and for that I was grateful. Mags had raised so many victors that she understand what they needed the moment they returned from the Games. She especially knew how they felt at seeing the empty chair.
"We'll be home soon," she says, glancing at the passing scenery that was barely visible due to the train's speed.
I can still see it, though. The ocean's glistening water under the morning sun calls to me, it mocks me. We grow closer and closer to our home – to the place I had missed desperately and feared never seeing again.
Swim!
Keep swimming!
The girl that swam to victory!
Tell my family I tried…
I quickly turn away from the window, finding something, anything that will keep the darkness at bay. My gaze falls on Finnick and I can breathe again, my lips stretching into a smile as I watch him pouring an excessive amount of sugar cubes in his own coffee.
"Do you want coffee with all that sugar?" I ask amused.
He looks back up at me, returning my smile with his own dimpled one. "I'll have you know that this is delicious."
"It's also unhealthy," I tease, moving aside the plate of pancakes he was about to grab and replacing it for the bowl of fruit.
"Mags she's being mean to me," he pouts.
"Fruit, young man."
Finnick gasps in mock hurt. "You've turned Mags against me!"
We laugh as he crosses his arms over his chest, eyes wide and bottom lip trembling. It's a pitiful sight, one that makes me give in.
"Fruit on the pancakes," I push the other dish towards him.
Mags shakes her head at us in amusement. "You give into his pouting now and you won't be able to say no to much else later."
I look back at Finnick over the rim of my teacup, giggling at the way he takes a triumphant bite of his pancakes. There it was again, that moment of light that shined through my darkness and slowly began to scar my bloodied wounds.
Wherever there's darkness there is light and wherever there is light there is hope.
…
…
…
I stare at the crown that sits on the vanity, taunting me. Pixie had so carefully prepared my prepared my outfit for when I returned home – a deep burgundy, chiffon strapless dress with long flowing sleeves. It was elegant and beautiful, but the crown would ruin it. I knew that it would.
"You look beautiful," Finnick wraps his arms around my waist from behind.
"Do you think it's a bit much?" I bite on my lip nervously, glancing down the floor-length skirt that had a slit running up my right leg. "I don't want to stand out…"
It's stupid of me to think that I wouldn't stand out when I was this year's victor, but still I asked because while District 4 was one of the wealthier districts there were still many that could barely afford to get by.
Finnick's gaze softens, a deep sigh falling from his lips. "Annie, there are going to be cameras at the train station, you know that right?"
I nod.
"The footage will be used for your victory tour, so –"
"So I need to keep pretending," I finish for him.
"You do. I asked Pixie to pick something out that would separate you from everyone else back home. We need you to keep showing the Capitol that you love them and are enjoying what comes with being a victor. The Anwyn that you were in the Games would want to stand out and that means wearing extravagant dresses and jewels that wouldn't normally be seen in 4."
He turns me to face him, taking my chin in between his thumb and finger, lifting my lips to his and kissing me tenderly. It doesn't last more than a few seconds, yet I still felt myself dizzy with my love for him.
"Once the cameras are out of 4 you can wear whatever you'd like," he murmurs. "Pixie also had simpler clothes packed for you, something more you."
I smile softly, feeling comforted by him and the thought of Pixie. "I'm sorry. I'm just being –"
"Shh. No, you're not, Anwyn. You aren't being selfish or unreasonable. You aren't being whatever you think you are. You've gone through a lot and you don't have to apologize for wanting to at least wear your own clothes."
"Thank you," I say.
"You have nothing to thank me for, my love. Although there is one thing I have to tell you and it's important."
"What is it?"
His expression grows serious. "I just want to make sure that you understand and we're on the same page…"
"Understand what?"
"It's…" he pressed his lips together before exhaling deeply. "I'm the pretty one in this relationship and I don't want you thinking that you can just steal my fire."
"Finnick!" I slap at his shoulder, laughter taking over him and then me.
"I'm sorry," he chokes on his laugh. "I'm sorry. I'm joking."
"You're such a child," I purse my lips before kissing him. "I love you."
"And I love you."
As he says this I feel the train begin to slow, signaling our arrival in District 4. I suddenly have the urge to vomit, my nerves making my stomach uneasy.
"Hey, it's okay," Finnick tries soothing me once he notices my shaking hands.
"I'm scared," I confess. "What if they hate me? What if they don't understand that I didn't want to hurt anyone. He's dead because of me. They're all dead because of me…"
Lake run!
You have to win, shorty.
Tributes of District 1 and District 4 you are the final two.
May the odds be ever in your favor.
Ever in your favor.
May the odds…
"Annie, no, nothing was your fault. Anwyn, please don't do that," he takes my hands away from my ears. "Please, my love. Please."
"I don't want them to hate me. I don't want them to hate me. I didn't want them to die!"
"Annie, please. Listen to my voice. Come back to me, my love. Please, come back to me. Just listen to my voice."
My minds snaps back at hearing his pleas, the action leaving me weak both physically and mentally. I feel my legs give out from underneath me but before I meet the floor, Finnick catches me.
"It's okay. It's okay. I've got you, my love."
I cling onto him as the silence settles over me, the memories now gone after leaving behind destruction in their wake. I try focusing on the sound of Finnick's heartbeat, every beat guiding me back until I feel the haze disappear from my mind.
"I'm sorry," I whisper.
"Anwyn –"
"I know that it wasn't my fault and that I can't change what happened, but a part of me…all of me thinks that it was. I feel guilty. I feel like I can't breathe and…I don't think I'll ever stop feeling this way, no matter what I do."
I look up at him, running my hand over his cheek.
"I'm afraid that everyone will see that I'm not who I was. I'm afraid that you won't see the girl you fell in love with anymore because I think I lost her in the arena. I'm broken, Finnick. I don't know who I am. I've always felt out of place, but now…Now I truly don't know where I belong."
Finnick laces our fingers together. "You belong with me," he says. "You told me this morning that I didn't need to worry what your parents thought of me. That they would accept me because you loved me, you remember that?"
I nod.
"Your parents love you. I love you. There are so many people that love you and they'll know you fought to come home to them because you made a promise to do so. No one will understand what you went through better than yourself, but we are all here to help you. Your family, me, and the other victors. Everyone else doesn't matter. They weren't in the Games, they can't understand."
"Why do you love me?" I ask, not because I needed him to reassure me of his love, but because it would remind of what our love meant. It would give me strength.
"Tell me about District 4. What's it like?"
"I love you because you always make me feel that I am worth something. I love you because you made me smile when I forgot how to. I love you because you are simply you. I love you because I do, and nothing will ever change that."
He wipes a tear from my cheek with him thumb and I lean into his touch, finding the strength just as our arrival in District 4 is announced.
"Stay with me, Anwyn. Don't go somewhere that I can't follow. Scream, cry, let everything that you feel out, but please don't hide from me."
I kiss his hand. "Your voice brings me back. When I feel like giving in and just…" I smile sadly at him. "You bring me back, Finnick. I don't know what I'd do without you. I need you to breathe."
"Then I'll be your air, Anwyn. I'll be the air you need to breathe, and I swear to you that there won't be a day where you don't know how much I love you."
His lips brush mine. Innocently at first and then passionately. We pour our love in this one kiss, making a promise that would withstanding anything and everything. I don't want him to pull away, but all too soon he takes the crown from the vanity and offers it to me.
"We need to go."
I stare at the crown in disgust before taking it from him and with a deep breath, place it atop my perfectly curled hair.
"I'll be with you every moment."
"I know."
All of District 4 is here to welcome me back – it was required of them to be here, unlike when I had been sent to the Capitol as a tribute. There are large self-filming cameras that follow my every movement, only ever so often filming the crowd cheering and clapping thunderously. The hundreds of faces all blend together, but I'm able to make out a few.
I see the baker that taught me to make sweet rolls and told me I'd put him out of business one day. I see the girls from school that behind their smiles lies their dislike for me, now more than ever as Finnick takes my hand and holds it up in a sign of victory. I see the careers – the boys and girls that I will perhaps mentor next year as they look at me proudly.
I see them.
My family stands in the front of the crowd with the mayor at their side, their expressions equally happy and with tears in their eyes. I want to run to them. To hug them. To cry as they listened and held me. I want to hear my sisters' sweet voices and their laughter. I want my father's strong, calloused hands running through my hair as he calmed me. I want to breathe in my mother's comforting scent as she sang to me.
I needed them.
The other victors are here too, my fellow victors. Oceana is the first to hug me – she was the last female victor to have survived the Games, four years prior to Finnick's crowning. I would sometimes see her around the fish market, strolling quietly and happily alongside Rival Lantin, another handsome victor that right now stood at the far side of the platform.
"Welcome home," Oceana takes both my hands in her own. I notice that her hands – much like mine at times – are shaky. I don't recall much of her Games, only that during her interviews she would laugh at odd times or simply not talk at all.
"Thank you," I return her smile.
Pearl is next to walk up to me – she was one of the more elusive victors District 4 had, only ever showing up when forced. She was a career, lethal and beautiful. Fifteen years later, she was just another survivor that never seemed to smile or speak to anyone outside of the victors. Her hug surprises me more than Oceana's had, as did the comfort I find in her embrace and her words.
"We're all here for you."
I hug her tighter before she pulls away and walks off to greet Mags, carefully leading her towards the other victors that take their turns welcoming me back, some with simple nods and others with expressions that show me they understand. I find myself wondering with each passing victor if they too suffered what Finnick had and if they were just as broken as I was.
Did they also hear the voices of the fallen?
What have they lost?
Some were careers, but were they like Gloss now?
The mayor is last to greet me, his smile wide and proud, and he's just as sweaty as he had been the day of the reaping. I vaguely hear him congratulate me through the microphone that appears out of nowhere, telling me how proud I had made our district and made sure that the crowd thanked me for all that they would receive in the coming weeks.
Thankfully, I only have to smile and nod along with whatever he says. My attention is solely on my family and it feels like hours before I'm walking down the steps of the platform towards them. Marina and Coral escape our parents' hold, racing over to me and hugging me tight.
"Annie!" they shout happily.
In an instant I forget that I'm wearing a dress far too expensive to be kneeling on the ground or that I'm meant to play up my vain bimbo act, because none of that matters when they crash into me. All these weeks away from them, fearing that I would never see them again and now I was home, hugging them to me just as tight.
"I told you two I'd be back," I draw away to look at their little faces, their eyes wet with unshed tears.
"I missed you a lot, Annie," Coral lays her head on my shoulder.
"I missed you more, my little starfish. Have you been good for mama and papa?"
She nods. "I have! I've been really good just like I promised you."
"And you, pretty girl?" I asked Marina.
"I've been helping papa at the shop," she sniffles.
I run my hand over her braid, fixing the red ribbon at the end of it. "That's my good girl," I kiss her forehead before standing back up and walking over to our parents that stood frozen as if not believing I was really here.
"Mama. Papa. I'm home."
Hearing my broken voice is what makes them react. In an instant my mother has her arms around me, her body shaking with quiet sobs. I cling onto her just as tightly, my fingers digging into her back.
"You're home. You're home," she repeats over and over.
I nod against her, my vision blurred by my tears. Tears that I'm forced to blink away because the cameras were watching, they were filming the broken girl I really was. I wonder if they would cut out these moments with my family just as they had done with the sweet boy. Would my humanity disturb them?
"Anwyn," I finally hear my father's voice, my mother pulling back to show me to him.
"Papa…"
As a little girl I would always find myself in my father's arms, never wanting to let go. I felt safe with him. He would kiss my head and sing me to sleep, his arms protecting me from everything around me. It's no different now. I throw my arms around him and hide against his strong build, trying to forget what had happened. Trying to forget that I was a victor and that there were still more games to be played, even with the crown on my head.
"Annie, my little girl."
His voice is like the gentle touch of a summer breeze. It wraps around me with its warmth and it breaks through the darkness.
"I tried. I tried to save him. I didn't want them to die…" I whimper silently, my words too quiet for anyone other than him to hear.
"Oh, Annie. I know. I know that you tried."
Tell my family I tried.
Finnick is the one to end the hug with my father, calling to me softly.
"Anwyn, we need to go."
I don't want to pull away, not yet, but I know I have to. Finnick wasn't just letting me know that we needed to head to the Victors Village where I would be given my new house, he was warning me. I was expressing too much and none of it would please the Capitol.
"Thank you," I hear my father say.
Pulling back from him, I see that his hand is on Finnick's arm and his expression is filled with gratitude.
"There's nothing to thank. I wanted her to come home just as much," Finnick offers a small smile.
Mama always said that I got my intelligence from my father. That when he trained as a career he was always known to be the smartest, always figuring out a way to take down his opponents in whatever way he could and above all he was observant. It's why he notices the small details of Finnick's interaction with us – his hand touching the small of my back before quickly removing it and his gentle tone as he spoke to me.
His green eyes remain on Finnick for a prolonged moment until my mother takes his arm, drawing his attention away. Finnick, on the other hand gives nothing away – his act impeccable in front of everyone.
"We really should start heading to the village, we can't keep your new house waiting," he says charmingly before smiling at my sisters. "And these lovely ladies must be your sisters! Aren't you both beautiful, finally someone pretty for me to look at. I've had to deal with this one over here and it's getting boring."
I smile as Marina and Coral laugh, both charmed by him easily, but it soon falters at the sight of them. Standing there with heartbroken expressions and sunken eyes that show their lack of sleep this last month are his parents. The boy that loved me. The boy with no head.
Lake run!
They have no son because of me. Their only child had been murdered and I had been incapable of stopping it.
"Annie," my mother calls after having followed my gaze, but my attention is still on them.
I can't look away. I want to go to them and beg for their forgiveness on my knees for surviving and coming home. Because I chose my life over his. He was my friend – he loved me, and I let him get slaughtered.
"Annie…"
It's Finnick that finally makes me look away, his voice just as I had told him brings me back from the memories.
"I want to go," I force out. "I want to go now."
My tone startles Marina and Coral, but my parents and Finnick understand. They know me and know what I'm feeling.
"Right," Finnick takes control of the situation with a clap of his hands. "Let's take this lovely mermaid to her treasure cove!"
I glance at them one last time as Finnick leads us away from the crowd. She's crying, leaning on her husband for support. I was home. Her son wasn't. Perhaps one day I would be able to face them, but now I can't.
I can only run and hide.
So I run.
I run.
I run.
Until I can hide, I run.
…
…
…
I had only seen the Victors Village from afar.
It wasn't that it was prohibited to be near it, but I had no reason to ever go. Some children from time to time would knock on the victor's doors, trying to sell them whatever they had made that day while other merchants would bring those like Pearl the alcohol she purchased weekly. I had done neither.
I never thought I would live there one day.
Twelve houses make up the village, at least for now. Because we were considered a career district and shared the most victors with 1 and 2, more houses would be added in the coming year. More houses for the wounded and broken.
My house is across from Finnick's. It gives me comfort to know that we would be so close, even when we needed to keep our love a secret. Mags had pointed out her own to me the moment we arrived at the village – it was the first house next to the metal archway. The other victors silently follow behind us as was expected, they too had to show that they loved this life given to them by the Capitol.
As we walk I notice Oceana taking Rival's hand, the two victors sharing a smile that brightened their faces. It's the only time that I see Oceana's hand stop shaking, her eyes more focused rather than on a past we could not see.
I wonder if he was her Finnick?
Did Rival help Oceana through her own demons?
Did she help him?
"Anwyn, aren't you going to let us in?" Finnick asks.
"Right, yes," I mumble.
The second the door is open, I'm thankful that there are no cameras to film me. I would have to show off my new home in an interview with Caesar a few days prior to my victory tour, but right now, at this moment, I'm thankful for the lack of cameras.
Because my expression is one of horror.
I walk in slowly and take in the wall of mirrors, the wall to floor portraits of me in my gold gown and the other of me with the crown – there's even one of just my eyes, and worst of all are the numerous arrangements of white roses that fill every corner.
"Why are there so many mirrors?" Coral asks.
No one answers, they too were all in shock of the disturbing décor. From somewhere behind me I hear Rival calling Oceana as she runs out of the house after seeing the roses. I want to follow her. Perhaps she knows where it's safe to hide. Pearl also leaves, as do two others.
Finnick…Finnick stares at the roses.
There's a card in one of the arrangements, a small little thing that has the power to bring me to my knees.
Try harder, Miss Cresta. We are all watching you.