Chapter 34: Accepting Change

Meredith laid in the on-call room bed. She was now silent. Not because the tears had quit flowing. Not because she was happy. Not because everything was okay. Because someone now occupied the bed above her. She laid there, eyes closed, her hand on her stomach. It was unbelievable. She wasn't ready for this. She wasn't ready to be a mom. She had to finish her residency. She had her fellowship. She was being pulled in all directions. And now she didn't just have to worry about herself. She had to worry about a baby too.

Sleep finally came. She kept her hand on her stomach. She was instinctively protecting her child. Protecting it from the world. From the cruel, cruel world. From the mess she had created. From herself. Even as she slept, thoughts flowed in and out of her mind like a violent wind. Who was the dad? How far along was she? The drinking. How would the drinking affect her child? And the fact that she hadn't eaten or slept in the past few weeks. These concerns didn't leave her. And they wouldn't be anytime soon.

"Dr. Grey..." Dina said as she shook her lightly.

"Sleep." Meredith moaned as she rolled away from her.

"Dr. Grey. We need assignments." Dina said softly as she placed her hand on her shoulder.

"What time is it?" Meredith asked as she opened her swollen eyes.

"Five thirty." Dina told her as she looked at her watch.

"Five thirty!" Meredith said as she sat up. "How long have you guys been sitting on your asses?"

"A long time. An hour... Everyone else was afraid to come in and wake you up." Dina said frankly.

"They're smart." Meredith agreed. She grabbed her shoes and put them on. She paused for a minute as she saw the paper in her pocket. She grabbed it out. It was just a dream. Just a dream... She frowned when she scanned over it. Not a dream. Not even close.

"Okay!" Meredith said as she walked out of the room. She had to put on her everything would be okay, happy face. "Let me see what is going on." She said as she walked around, looking at charts and at the board. "We need to round." She said as she walked off tiredly.

She went through rounds as quickly as she could. The nausea... Morning sickness. Morning sickness that was full force this morning. She assigned her interns to cases. Derek smiled at her as she walked in the room. Adrien smiled when she went in his patient's room. Neither mattered. Not right now. Right now, she was holding on to something much more important.

"What do you want me to do?" Dina asked as she looked around.

"I need your help." Meredith told her quietly. "But only if you can keep the utmost professionalism. And you must keep quiet."

"Of course." Dina said quickly.

"Come on." Meredith said as she walked her to an empty room that she had prepared. She quickly ran to the wastebasket and retched. She wiped her mouth as she walked over to her.

"What are we doing here?" Dina asked as she looked around.

"I need you to do an ultrasound... A- A sonogram." Meredith said nervously.

"You're- You're pregnant?" Dina asked in shock.

"I... Yeah." Meredith gasped as she said it.

"Wow." Dina said in shock. "Can I ask why you picked me?"

"Well... You are the most professional of my interns. You seem to care about people. And you have been assigned to Dr. Daniels a lot." Meredith explained, talking about the OBGYN specialist.

"I won't say a word to anyone." Dina said as she nodded for her to sit on the table. Meredith pulled her shirt up. Dina's eyes got wide as she saw the surgical scars on her abdomen. Meredith winced as she felt the cold jelly hit her soft flesh.

"Are you ready?" She asked as she grabbed the doppler. Meredith swallowed the lump in her throat and nodded her head yes. She gasped when she saw the baby's heartbeat on the screen.

"Wow..." She muttered in shock.

"I... I think you are about six weeks. I can't say for sure." Dina said as she studied the screen.

She looked over to see the tears falling from Meredith's eyes. Six weeks. That was about right. Six weeks ago, she found Derek. Six weeks ago, she had sex with him. Unprotected sex. Six weeks ago, she created a baby with the love of her life.

"Are you okay?" Dina asked as she put the machine away.

"I- I'm having a baby." She said as she cried hysterically. "I'm-" Meredith gasped as she looked out the window, seeing Derek outside talking to another doctor.

"You love him..." Dina said as she followed her gaze.

"I do..." She cried. "I love him so much..." She said as she shook, her body wracked with sobs.

"It will be okay, Meredith." Dina said as she held her. "You can do this..."

Meredith laid on her sofa with her feet up. She giggled when she looked at her fuzzy slippers. It wouldn't be long before she wouldn't be able to see them anymore. A baby complicates things. A baby would change everything. It will flip her world upside down. She thought about it. She thought about it while she was in surgery. She thought about it while she was doing post-op notes. She even thought about it while she was eating her healthy lunch. She thought about ending it. Ending the tiny life. Ending it to make hers easier. But she couldn't. She couldn't imagine killing a baby. Her and Derek's baby. That was one thing she could never do. Not to him.

Things were a mess. A huge mess. She was scared. Terrified even. But it had to work out. Everything had to be fine. She had to make her life more stable. She had to make things better. She had to prepare for the tiny life that would be making itself present in just over seven months. She looked up quickly when she heard the door open.

"Today was hell." Mark said as he stormed in.

"It was." Meredith agreed, thinking about her aching back and swollen feet.

Her day consisted of procedure after procedure. And from the looks of the surgical board, it was like that for every surgeon there. The ORs were definitely getting a lot of action today.

"What did you do?" Meredith asked as she watched him slide his Italian leather shoes off and kick them to the side.

"Everything under the sun..." He moaned as he walked to the bathroom. She could hear him splash water on his face.

"I need you to cook." Meredith shouted to him, seeing his reflection in the mirror.

"I can't cook. You know I can't cook." Mark laughed. "Derek was always the cook."

"Well, you can cook better than I can." Meredith giggled loudly. "Maybe we can do it together?" She asked as she made her way to the kitchen. It was a nice kitchen. A kitchen fit for a chef. A kitchen that was far too good for them.

"What's this? Meredith Grey has sat down her bottle of tequila, and wants a spatula?" He asked with a grin as he walked out.

"She has." Meredith said as she walked to the kitchen and began rummaging around, looking for the makings of a healthy meal.

"Okay... Are you sick?" Mark asked as he laid the back of his hand against her forehead.

"Well..." Meredith said as she pulled out some vegetables.

"Wait! What happened with the tests? I was so damn busy today, I forgot." Mark said as he watched her pull out things from the refrigerator.

"Well. I'm healthy." She said as she pulled out a package of chicken. "How about stir fry?" She asked. He nodded his head.

"And?" Mark said as he began chopping. "It must have said something."

"I'm- I'm-" She stammered.

"Spit it out, Grey!" Mark said as he threw the chicken in the pan.

"I'm pregnant." She said nervously as she looked at the floor.

"What!" Mark said as he dropped the spatula and looked over. She looked up when she heard it hit the stove. "I think I just heard you say you're pregnant."

"You did... I am..." She said, still in shock herself.

"You're going to have a kid?" He asked with wide eyes. "The baby is going to have a baby..." He drifted off, as he thought in a haze.

"Yeah." She said with a sigh.

"Oh my god..." He said softly as he began stirring the meat in a fog.

"Yeah..." She repeated.

"And you seem okay about this..." He mused.

"I- I'm not. I am. But at the same time... I'm scared as hell. I'm not the mothering type. I was raised by a lion. I am self-absorbed. I care only about myself. I drink. I don't sleep. I don't eat. I am a mess. I've always been a mess. I have two great guys who love me, and I'm scared to death of both of them. I'm scared of life. I'm scared of taking chances. But... I have to be okay. I have to. Because it's not just me anymore. And the craziest part is... I just- Everything happens for a reason, you know. Maybe-" Meredith rambled.

"Maybe you'll finally have everything you ever wanted." Mark said simply.

"I don't know. I just- Wow." She said as she stared into space.

"Yeah." He agreed. "So... I don't want to be an ass... But-" Mark asked as he cooked the chicken.

"It's Derek's." She finished for him. "I can't be 100% certain. But... That first night. We had sex. No protection. I have always used protection with Adrien. And the dates match up."

"Does he know?" Mark asked.

"No. And I don't want to tell him yet. I don't want this baby to change things. I don't want there to be guilt. If things are meant to be, they will be." Meredith muttered.

"Wow. Derek's going to be a dad. This is big." Mark said quickly.

"It's a big mess. Lexie. Adrien. Derek." Meredith said as she shook her head.

"So, what are you going to do?" Mark asked.

"I am going to worry about myself. I need to figure out what to do. I need to fix myself before I do anything else." She said softly.

"Holy shit! Does Meredith Grey have her head on straight?" He asked as he looked at her. He put his hands on the side of her head and moved it. "Nope. Still a little crooked."

"It's getting there." Meredith told him as she watched him cook.

"I'm going to be an uncle." Mark said in shock.

"Yes, you are." She said as she looked at the faint smile playing at his lips.

Meredith ate her dinner across from Mark. It felt good. Great, even. To be doing the right thing. To be living a better life. The mess didn't go away, but it was so much better than falling asleep with a bottle of Saunza in her hands. She took a hot shower and made a nice spot for herself on the chair. She didn't have to work tomorrow, and she had a lot to do.

"So, what are we watching?" Mark asked as he plopped down on the sofa.

"Medical mysteries." She said with a smiled as she took a sip of her water.

"Oh." He said with a nod.

"Don't you want to go out?" Meredith asked.

"Are you kidding? This is so much more fun!" He said with a chuckle. "I can't wait until you get hormonal. Or when you nest. Nesting will be fun. Maybe you'll actually clean the house!"

"You are an ass!" She spat as she threw a throw pillow at him.

"Language, young thing. You are with child now." He laughed heartily.

"Seriously, Mark." She said as she shook her head in disbelief. "You can drink. Have a beer. Whatever..." She offered.

"I don't need it." Mark said as he drank a bottled water.

"It's nice. What you are doing is nice, but it's not you. Go out. Have fun. Be a man-whore." Meredith said as she stared at the TV.

"I could. But you are much better entertainment." Mark agreed as he looked at her. Meredith's eyes got wide when she heard a knock at the door.

"Oh my god. Adrien." She said with a sigh.

"Close your eyes. And snore." He laughed as he quickly crossed the room.

"Mark." Adrien said with a smile.

"She's sleeping. I'm afraid she isn't much fun tonight." Mark said as he glanced back.

"Is she feeling okay?" Adrien asked.

"She is. Just tired." Mark said coldly.

"Well, just let her know I stopped by..." He offered as he glanced into the living room.

"I will." Mark said as he shut the door. "You're welcome." He said as he sat down next to her.

"Thank you... I wasn't ready to deal with that. Not yet." She said with a defeated sigh. So much for stopping the whole avoidance thing.

"You have time. Rome wasn't built in a day." Mark said supportively.

"You're right about that. And a new Meredith... That will take much longer!" She laughed.

"You make an excellent point!" Mark agreed. "Now how about some popcorn?" He asked.

"Oh... Yeah. Extra extra butter." She said with a big nod.

"Yep. Your baby is going to be born with blocked arteries." He yelled from the kitchen.

"Fine! Just extra butter." She moaned as she watched the TV. She was lucky to have such a good friend.

Meredith awoke to the bright sun shining through her large windows. She had gotten a good night's sleep. A real good night's sleep. The whole night. That hadn't happened in a while. In fact, it hadn't happened since the last time she was in Derek's arms. But something about the past two days had changed her. She felt more comfortable. More at ease.

After spending a half an hour in the bathroom, bowing to the porcelain god, she was feeling better. She made herself a breakfast of toast, orange juice and a boiled egg. She needed her protein. She needed to stay as healthy as she could on the schedule she kept. Today was a day of change. A day to try and set some things straight.

Meredith looked in the rearview mirror at the man driving behind her. She drove slowly down the road, pulling into the gated community. The large houses loomed on the big, wooded lots. She pulled up to the somewhat familiar brick house and into the driveway. It was midday. Most likely, no one was home.

She walked up to the door, the envelope in her hand. It held the keys to the BMW that she had been driving. Her mother's car. She had to move on. She had to do things herself. She walked up to the door and rang the bell. If no one answered, she'd stick the keys in the mailbox. She took in a deep breath as the door slowly opened.

"Meredith..." Ellis said in shock as she opened the door.

She looked into her mother's eyes. She was a lion. She was vicious. She wondered if her mother had a soul. She wondered if she was just a shell. A shell filled with and evil void. This was a woman she had once cared for. A woman that she had learned to accept. Her faults. Her lack of love. She had accepted it all. Until she learned the truth. Looking into her cold eyes, now ready to just flee the scene.

"Here." Meredith said as she handed her the envelope and turned on her heel.

"What's this?" Ellis said as she poured the keys into her hand. "Why are you giving me these?" She asked.

"I'm moving on." Meredith said with an invigorating deep breath.

"What do you mean, moving on?" Ellis asked.

"I have made mistakes. You made mistakes. You took everything from me. You changed the course of my life. You made it impossible for me to trust anyone. Derek was- Is the love of my life. He is everything. And now, I'm so scared to do anything about it. You did that to me. You made me fearful. You killed me. For nine years, you killed me. I refuse to let you continue. I am moving on." She said as she walked away.

"Meredith! Meredith! Let's talk. We need to talk." Ellis said as she walked after.

"What would we talk about, mother? What could we possibly discuss? I cannot forgive you. Maybe in time, but I doubt it. Now I have to fix these messes. The ones you created. The ones I created." She said as she continued on and climbed in the car with the man.

"Are you ready?" He asked as he looked at Ellis Grey standing at the car's window.

"I am." She said with a deep breath as they drove off.

"Well, I think you will be very happy with your new Jeep. I have one myself." The car dealer said as he drove her back to the dealership.

"As long as it's mine, I'm sure I will love it." She said with a smile as they drove down the road.

Meredith climbed into the driver's seat of her new Jeep Commander. It was big enough that it made her feel safe. It was big enough to tote a baby around. And big enough to drive her friends around. She liked the way it looked. And it was hers, most importantly, it was hers. She found herself glancing at the back seat. She could almost see the car seat in the back. She smiled faintly as she drove down the road.

Meredith closed her eyes. She was home alone. No Mark. No Adrien. No Derek. She had convinced Mark that he could have a night out, and he didn't have to be her babysitter. She had received calls from Adrien but ignored him. She had talked to her mother. She wanted to get more done. But as they say, Rome wasn't built in a day. There was always tomorrow.