Confessions

Thank you all for the Pms en reviews they are very encouraging you guys lift me up with your dedication to this story and I am very grateful for it. Two more chapters and this story is done. Thank you all so much for reading. Apologies for all the spelling/grammar mistakes I missed. I had to repost this chapter because there was code in it, sorry for that.

Anastasia

Rain softly pellets against the car window while Seattle's city lights shine brightly in the dusk. Sawyer moves swiftly through the rush hour traffic while casting a curious glance at Christian in the rearview mirror. Christian is staring broodingly out of the car window. He has not said a word since we left GEH 15 minutes ago instead he seemed to have resigned himself to staring out the window. I sigh not knowing what to do with this sudden mood change its unnerving to me and decide to stare out of the window too. The buildings of the city rush by and I wonder where we are going, but I do not dare to ask him. It is certainly not to the gigantic mansion far outside of the city center, we have been staying since we got back from Aspen. Sawyer turns a corner and enters a large underground parking garage, parking the car flawlessly into one of the bays.

'We are here, come.' Christian grunts as he swiftly exits the car and opens my door.

Taylor who was riding shotgun with Sawyer is standing near the elevator holding the door open for us. We enter and Christian punches in a code. The elevator goes up so quickly my head spins a little. I hear a ping and the door opens to an artfully decorated lobby. Two large paintings of Madonna and child look down upon us. Their faces set in a forlorn look.

I wonder who painted such a sad display.

'Girolamo da Carp, the artist is Girolamo da Carp.' He says like he has read my mind.

'Oh,' is all I can say in awe and once again it downs on me how stupendously wealthy he is. I never met anyone who owns original paintings of a formidable Italian Renaissance painter.

'The apartment is clean sir, you can enter.' Taylor says stoically as always.

Christian grabs my hand and pulls me into the large carvenous living room.

'Stay here, I won't be long I just need to pick up something before we go back home.' He says and disappears into another room slamming the door shut. 'Bang!' the loud sound of the door closing echo's through the room startling me. Why does he have to close the door? I shrug and look around the room.

It is a gigantic open plan living with a white marble floor with large white furniture and glass tables. The only color comes from some abstract paintings on the walls. The whole place feels cold and sterile like a morgue. It makes me feel displaced and uncomfortable. I walk over to the large panoramic windows. The view of Seattle from here is simply breathtaking. I open the large sliding door on to the balcony.

The cool early evening air feels refreshing on my skin. The sounds of the city seem muted when one is so high up in the sky. Down bellow people, cars trucks and busses seem like little ants crawling through narrowed streets.

'It is amazing how one's perspective of the world changes when being up here.' I hear Christians' voice behind me.

I turn around and see him standing in the door opening holding a black briefcase.

'It's beautiful up here.' I reply.

'I know, enjoy it now this place will come on the market tomorrow.'

'Why are you selling this?' I am genuinely surprised this place seems to fit him well alone genius hiding in his ivory tower.

He scoffs

'Why are you asking me this? Do you like it?'

'No, not particularly, the decor is a little too clinical for my taste.'

For a moment he seems lost in thought.

'This place is haunted with bad memories…' His voice is a mere whisper but I do not dare to interrupt him.

'I bought this just after my 21 first birthday, Elena, my mother's friend encouraged me to do so, she found this place for me.'

I shiver when I hear that deranged woman's name, and I realize how much of a negative influence she has been on him. Sure, his experiences with his birth mother damaged him but that woman made everything so much worse. Once my heart goes out to him and I hate myself for feeling this way. I sternly remind myself that he is a very sick man.

'She used to arrange women, submissives for me, having my own place made it easier for me to entertain my preferences. Elena knew that. One of those women fell in love with me I guess. Her name was Leila. I did not love her back, I told her that I am incapable of loving anyone and that she was waisted her time trying the trap me. She tried being just my submissive for a while after but it did not work. She ended our contract and left. I did not think much of it, of her. She knew I could never give her what she wanted beforehand, her leaving was in many ways a relief. Life continued and I did not think about Leila other than that she was a great submissive and I paid for her college tuition. I received an e-mail from her informing me that she had fallen in love with the love of her life and she was about to get married. I was happy for her and send her a congratulatory e-mail back.'

He stops talking and stares and the early evening sky before him. The sun is setting and her final rays have burst into a hue of colors, its a spectacular sight to behold and he seems lost in the display momentarily. Suddenly he turns his attention to me again.

'Let's come back inside, I don't want you to catch a cold.' He says brusquely.

Bewildered by his change in tune I step back inside.

'Come, let's go home I don't want to stay in this place for another minute.' He grabs my hand again, his hands feel warm and sweaty. I swallow remembering the news articles about one of his ex-girlfriends killing themselves in front of him. Did that happen here? I need to know!

'Leila, what happened to her?' I whisper and he stops mid-stride. His eyes are burning brightly like ice crystals in sunlight. I think he is going to blow up on me but his features soften, he runs his hand through his always messy hair.

'She was right, Leila was right.' He murmurs.

'About what?' I coax him.

'She stood right there.' He points at the kitchen counter.

' You see her husband whom she so loved died and it killed her. She told me she was now just like me, dead… I knew it was true, I had died a long time ago, it was the moment I realized I was incapable of loving anybody. That's why I get along with Elena so well, she was the first one to recognize that. She told me that I and her were the same, that we both knew that love was for fools, pathetic idiots who let themselves be abused by others, but we are smarter than that we get them before they can get to us. Leila knew that about me, she called me out on it, knowing, just like Elena that I was an irredeemable soul an empty husk of a man…
I remember the pain edged on the contours of her face, but there was such a determination in her eyes. I think I knew then that I wasn't able to stop her, but lord I tried, I pleaded and I begged with her but she just laughed at me I can still hear the hollow sound of it echoing in my mind. And then the gun.. her knuckles… were white from clutching it so hard. 'Goodbye Christian.' Was all she said. You know, the sound of a gun going off is like that of a loud firecracker somewhat familiar, but its the sounds that come after, the smells that come after, and the sight that comes after they are the worse. Seared into my mind forever. I can still taste and smell her blood standing here, now with you. I hate this place, I want to leave..'

He grabs me again pushing me inside the elevator. Tears are streaming down his face and at that moment I know a damaged frightened young man is hiding inside the monster a deep sadness overwhelms me and all I want to do is comfort him. I wrap my arms around he tenses up immediately like I am hurting him. I want to let him go but he embraces me in a vice-like grip. A howl like cry rings in my ear the sound is almost deafening I feel his hot tears streaming down my face and neck but do nothing, I just let him cry and comfort him as best I can.

His self-loathing is painful to watch and once again I inwardly curse that horrible woman. I do not believe that he is incapable of loving anyone. It was nothing but a ploy from that witch to manipulate him.

'Christian, can I ask you something?'

He looks up surprised.

'Anything.' He answers.

'Do you love your mother?'

'I adore her.' He answers instantly.

'Do you love Mia?'

He smiles a big warm smile.

'I do.' He answers simply.

'Your father and brother?'

He looks annoyed for a moment.

'Of course, Anastasia, what kind of ridicules questions are these.'

'For someone claiming to be incapable of loving another human being, you sure love a lot of people.' I answer simply he looks bewildered like someone just being told the earth is round. He mutters something inaudible shakes his head and then looks at me blankly like a robot who got turned off.

'That is different.' He says monotonously

'Love is love Christian.' I rebuke.

'Enough Anastasia, You are young and naive, you know nothing.' He counters and I decide to let it rest.

The rest of the car ride home is silent his hands are clutched in mine as we drive towards his large mansion at the edge of the city.

Mrs. Jones already has diner ready when we arrive Risotto with truffle, a salad, and chicken Parmesan, no doubt it's delicious but my nerves are frayed and I am not hungry.

'Can I have a glass of wine?' I ask her, she looks hesitant and smiles nervously.

Before she can answer Christian does.

'I got rid of all the liquor in the house, I found that I was drinking too much… I think like the crack whore, I am addiction sensitive I just don't want to put myself in that position.'

'Oh, oke..' Is all I manage to say reeling from his confession and the way he talks about his birth mother.

'Eat your dinner and take your vitamins.' He says while pointing at my plate.

'I'll get you a glass of water instead.' Mrs. Jones says before scurrying off.

I sigh and stir my food a bit before taking a bite although it is delicious I cannot bring myself to eat.

I shift my attention to the vitamin pills next to my plate. They look different, larger somehow.

Miss Jones brings me a glass of water and I quickly swallow them. At least he can't complain about those now.

So many questions still run through my head and the emotions of today are raging through my body. He is such an enigma, one I would like to unravel.

'Your mother, I mean your birth mother, why do you call her a crack whore?'

He looks up from his plate annoyed and tired.

'Because she was a crack whore Anastasia, it's that simple.'

I swallow knowing that if I will push further he will probably get angry, nevertheless, I find it disheartening to hear him speak about his birth mother like this. There must have been a reason why she got addicted doesn't he want to know what brought her so low?

'Do you know why she got addicted?'

He looks again this time the fury is clear on his face.

'Because she was young, dumb and weak probably, I don't know Anastasia and I don't care. She was a nothing, a grain of sand on an infinite beach. She is dead and forgotten and should remain so. This is the last thing I will say about this subject so stop with your relentless questions. Now eat your God damn dinner or you won't leave this table. ' He snaps slams his chair back and leaves the table, he briefly turns around and looks at me coolly.

'I expect you in my bed at 10.' His voice is soft, cold but very clear.

I feel small, like an errant child who just got scolded by her parents. I know better not to agitate him further... Sometimes I truly hate him. Reluctantly I take a few more bites knowing that I probably remain seated at this table for a long time…

Christian is going through some contracts in bed. I feel nervous and unsteady not knowing what to expect tonight. I decided to start working on my new internship assignment given to me by the acquisitions department. It's honestly one of the funniest and most interesting things I have ever worked on while at GEH. I am hoping it will take my mind off this tense situation. We are tasked to find one company that is ripe for takeover and that could contribute positively to GEH diversifying portfolio. The person that finds such a company gets a nice monetary bonus. I am eying a small publishing company called Seattle independent publishing that is catering to niche markets with very devoted readers and writers. It is a welcome diversion from today's events and I am fully engrossed in the work. We are supposed to give a presentation of our findings to Ros next week but I want to finish everything before the end of this week.

I have an appointment with Jerry Roach of SIP tomorrow morning, it would be nice to drive the Audi again, although I wish I had my old Beetle back.

'What are you working on?' Christian asks.

'An assignment from the acquisitions department.'

'What kind of assignment?' He asks not hiding his enthusiasm.

'We need to find a company, that is interesting to acquire for GEHs portfolio.'

'Really? That's a cool assignment. Have you settled on a company yet?'

'Yes, I have.' I smile.

'Can I see what company it is? I might be able to give you some pointers.'

'No, you cannot help me in any way shape, or form. That would be unfair towards the others. Besides we need to give a presentation for Ros next week. She will notice if I got help immediately.'

He rolls his eyes.

'I hate it when you tell me no, nobody tells me no. Now let me see. Nobody is going to find out.' He sounds petulant like a three-year-old not getting his way. He bends to take over my laptop but I quickly close the top and put down on my nightstand. This is my project and I do not want him interfering.

'I want to do this on my own.'

His face facial features turn to stone and his eyes are glacial. In one swift motion, he grabs my laptop and throws it on the floor next to the bed. In falls on the carpet with a loud thud echoing through his cold and carnivorous bedroom. I feel scared and want to run.

'Take off your nightgown.' His voice is eerie calm, solicitous even.

With jittery fingers, I open the front knots of my nightgown, too frightened to defy him. Whatever sympathy I had for him earlier disappears and I am once again brutally reminded that he is a monster first and foremost.

I can feel his eyes burning on my now exposed skin his hand roam gently over my body, touching me everywhere. I close my eyes and wish I was anywhere but here, now with him. I am naked vulnerable and unnerved.

His hot breath tingles in my neck and his lips feel like burns on my skin. His musky scent envelops me like a thick cloud of toxic mist. His lips touch mine roughly while his tongue demands entrance to my mouth. He tastes of mouthwash and menthol.

His sex feels like a steel rod between my legs, I know what's going to happen and I curse myself for being weak and scared, this is what we agreed upon right…? Then why does this feel so wrong?

His mouth envelops my nipples licks and sucking between them, and I feel the dampness between my legs.

'Open your eyes and look at me.' He demands and I am met with to burning grays staring at me triumphantly. He bends a little backward and I know what's coming next, he slams inside me and all I feel is pain. He lays still and just stares at me with clouded eyes.

He starts to move slowly, gently even and his mouth finds mine again.

His grunts and the slapping sound of his body moving against mine fill the room.

His being is omnipresent overwhelming and drowning me out and leaving me nowhere to run, I feel like a fly trapped in amber. Familiar psychical sensations take over my mind and I lose track of who and where I am I am lost in a whirlpool of feelings and emotions.

I barely register the loud growl that fills the room nor his body weight shifting from me. I am exhausted and don't want to feel or think anymore, all I wish for is the sweet oblivion of dreamless sleep.

The loud obnoxious sound of the alarm blares in my ears I try to slam the snooze button but seem to have missed my mark, all I want is a few more minutes of blissful sleep.

I try to hit the snooze button again, but clumsy as I am, I shove instead of slamming it and the alarm clock falls on the ground with a loud clunk screeching even louder. I growl and throw the covers off before grabbing the damn thing off the ground and quickly pull out the plug. With a sigh I plop back on the bed, Christian's side is empty like usual. He is always up early and I am glad that I don't have to face him now. He is probably already done with his breakfast and I hope he went off to work.

I know I have to get out soon and take a shower before facing him again. I stare at the ceiling for a bit reluctant to come out of bed. When I have gathered enough courage I slowly leave the warmth and comfort of the bed and take a quick shower.

I decide to wear one of the pencil skirts a black one, a white blouse and a pair of black pumps. I quickly comb my hair and apply some makeup. I give myself a once over in the body length mirror. I think I look professional enough I just hope Christian agrees and does not berate my choice of attire again. If not he should not have picked out.
I take a deep breath and open the bedroom door directly starting into the large living room. Mrs. Jones is busy in the kitchen luckily Christian is nowhere to be found.

'Good morning Ms. Steele, Mr. Grey had an early breakfast meeting, Sawyer will take you to work.'

I feel relieved that I do not have to deal with him right now.

'Oke.' I simply answer and sit down at the breakfast bar. Mrs. Jones gives me a small smile and puts a plate of waffles with maple syrup and raspberries and blueberries plus a cup of tea in front of me.

'Enjoy your breakfast.' She says and scurries of leaving me alone with just my thoughts.

I take out my telephone and run through my agenda for today. I have a meeting with Jerry Roach from SIP. He was quite willing to talk to me about his company once he learned I inquiring on behave of GEH. Looking at their business model and year reports I can understand why.

' Are you ready to go?' Sawyer asks while I pop the last of my breakfast into my mouth.

When I arrive at GEH I quickly talk to Emily and Carlos, my fellow interns about their respective acquisition projects before we get called in for a briefing by Ros herself. She expects us to give our presentations next week and informs us that Prof Murphy will be present when we do. I am feeling quite nervous, professor Murphy will be the one that gives us part of the grade of our final assessment and determine if we fail or pass for our degree.

My phone buzzes and I quickly glance at it, smiling when I see Jimmy's text message. He is having a blast in France and has another new lover. I quickly answer him back briefly telling him what I am up to today.

I take my car keys out of bag grateful that the Audi is still standing in the Grey House parking garage. I have not driven it since Italy, Christian won't let me; but he is not here and it is my car so I can drive it whenever I please. I glance at my watch its 10:15 if I leave now I will be right on time for my meeting with Mr. Roach at SIP.

I almost forgot how smooth the Audi drives, it almost glides over the road, and for once in a long while I feel free again.

I park the car in front of the red brick building that's SIP and enter the large oak front door. A perky looking receptionist greets me politely and tells me to wait in the lobby. Mr. Hyde is expecting me.

'Mr. Hyde? There must be some mistake, I have an appointment with Mr. Roach?'

The receptionist gives me a polite smile.

'Unfortunately, Mr. Roach is unable to make it to your meeting today, Mr. Hyde will be taking over for him.'

'Oh,' is all I can say.

'Please, take a seat in the lobby, Mr. Hyde will be right

with you.' She says

The lobby looks cozy, the walls have a warm earthly color, several green plants stand in the corners, and pictures of SIP's writers adorn the walls. I pick up a magazine from the table next to me and idly flip through the pages.

'Mrs. Steele?' I look up and see a tall man with neatly trimmed blond hair standing in front of me. He looks younger than I thought he would be, I am guessing he is in his early thirties. He looks handsome in an understated way. He is wearing dark-rimmed glasses which make his eyes look bluer for some reason. He looks at me appraisingly, making me feel uneasy.

I scrape my throat and give him a firm hand-shake.

'Anastasia Steele.' I introduce myself.

'Jack Hyde.' He says smoothly. His hands feel clammy yet cold and I quickly retreat mine.

'Shall we?' He says pointing at the elevator.

'Sure.' I reply.

Mr. Hyde leads me to a small office on the second floor of SIP and takes a seat opposite me.

'Can I offer you something to drink?' He asks politely

'A glass of water please.' Its warm in this small office.

'Sure thing.' He smiles and opens the door of the office.

'Hannah!'
"Bring me two glasses of water. Now!' He yells.

Sheesh, he could have asked nicely there is no need to yell at the poor woman.

An anxious-looking young woman comes hurrying into the office and puts down the glasses.

'Anything else Mr. Hyde?' She asks nervously.

'No.' He snaps and dismissively waves her off. His entire demeanor reminds me of Christian rude, arrogant, and possessing something sinister. The only difference is that Hyde lacks the superficial charm Christian possesses. I feel a strong aversion towards him and I wish this meeting would hurry up so I can leave.

'So Anastasia, why does a cooperate giant like Grey enterprises suddenly develop an interest in a small publishing firm like SIP?'

Anastasia? I never told him he could use my first name. I won't let him intimidate me.

'Its Ms. Steele, Mr. Hyde. I appreciate some decorum.'

A mocking smirk forms around his mouth.

'My apologies we here at SIP are very informal in our daily dealings. I am not used to formalities.'

Liar. I think sourly.

'Well, ok then… I am glad this is settled.'

He smiles a predatory smile. It makes my skin crawl and my aversion mounts. What's wrong with some men?

'To answer your question, Grey enterprises are looking to diversify its portfolio and publishing could have a lot of business potential. Especially a small publishing company operating in niches like SIP.'

'It's not that I would not like to entertain the notion, but SIP is not for sell.' Hyde rebukes.

I want to laugh but I refrain I have done my homework does he think I am stupid? Arrogant prick.

'Mr. Roach and your board of directors might disagree, SIPs earnings have not been stellar these last few years so why don't you humor me, Mr. Hyde? After all, this was the sole reason for my meeting with Mr. Roach.'

I am surprised by my assertiveness and feel a little proud of myself. I guess Christian is rubbing off on me. Or I have learned to finally respond to men and their b.s. or maybe it is because I had to deal with Christian's endless stream of crap I don't know yet. Whatever the reason; it does have its desired effect cause Mr. Hyde looks mildly impressed.

He scraps his throat and sits back in his chair.

'Well, Ms. Steele you are persistent I must say.' And I am tempted to roll my eyes at him.

He starts to tell me about SIP, its writers, acquiring new talents, story niches, and best practices. It becomes clear that its a company with much potential but meager management and funds. I diligently take notes and already have some ideas on how to take SIP to the next level. I am surprised about how much I enjoy this exercise and I would love to see it go through. At the end of the meeting, I thank Mr. Hyde for his time and gather my belongings to make my way back to GEH.

I hear some loud voices in the hallway when suddenly the door swings open. A visibly irate Christian standing in the doorway with Taylor, Sawyer, and another one of his brutes I don't recognize standing close behind him.

'What's the meaning of this?' Mr. Hyde snarls out looking both confused and angry at Christian.

'Leave!' Christian barks at him but Mr. Hyde does not seem that impressed.

'Leave? I work here! Who are you? And why are YOU barging into our meeting?' he barks back.

For a minute I think Christian is about to self combust. The vein on his forehead is pulsing and his eyes are almost popping out.

His voice is low soft yet threatening as he speaks.

'I am your worst nightmare. If you do not leave now I will buy this company just so I can fire your ass and blacklist you for eternity.'

'Christian, .. I mean Mr. Grey?!' I gasp out in utter confusion. What the fuck is wrong with him? There is zero need for this inane aggressive behavior towards Mr. Hyde This man is certifiably crazy.

Mr. Hyde looks a little pale when he hears Christians' name and mutters some curse words and insults but does not make any efforts to leave.

'Taylor, O'Neill, remove him.' He yells and Taylor and the other goone immediately comply.

Embarrassment and anger rise inside of me. I have had enough with his idiotic behavior.

'STOP IT!'

'Seriously Mr. Grey what the hell is going on?'

sees Taylor and O'Neill moving towards him and holds his hands up in surrender. He grabs his stuff and moves towards the door.

'Keep your goons of me or I will sue the ever-loving shit out of you.' He snarls at Christian.

Christian let's out a bark of a laugh.

'Please do. Nothing will give me more pleasure than to ruin you.'

I pinch the bridge of my nose hoping to keep an upcoming migraine away. He seriously does not make any sense right now. What is his beef with Mr. Hyde to merit such out of control behavior?

Mr. Hyde scuffles past O'Neill and Taylor. Christian slams the door shut locking me in alone with him. He stares at me his face is filled with a myriad of emotions. Anger, fear, sadness, and something that I don't recognize.

'What the hell were you thinking?' He blares out and I explode. I have had enough!

'Excuse me?! What was I thinking? How about doing my damn job! God, I feel so embarrassed! How dare you barge in here and make such a scene? You officially lost your damn mind.'

He looks taken aback as if I slapped him in the face. Good. He needs to realize that he crossed a line.

'Why didn't you take Sawyer with you? You know you not allowed to go out without protection.' He says petulantly and I roll my eyes at him.

'It is a damn business meeting! I don't need protection going to a business meeting nobody even knows about us. You just want to spy on me. How do you even know I am here?'

'That does not matter, stop changing the subject. You need to tell me where you are going at all times, I need to know your save.'

I sigh feeling exhausted but I am not giving in.

'It matters, Christian your the one that goes on about trust, yet you do not seem to trust me.'

'Oh, I trust you Anastasia, but I do not trust Jack Hyde.' He yells and throws a manila file om the table. 'Take a look.' He says pointing at it.

I take the file keenly aware that he has not answered my question yet.

'How did you know I was here?' I ask you again.

'Fine; there is a tracker under your car. But if you must know, there are infinite ways I can track you down.' He snaps.

His confession scares the hell out of me and I swallow not wanting to think about the implications of this little nugget of information.

'So you have just proven that you do not trust me, yet you demand that I trust you. It does not work that way, Christian.'

'I trust you damn it! I don't trust anyone else with you there is a difference. Read the file and you know what I mean.' His voice is softer now he sinks on one of the chairs and puts his head in his hands he looks haggard and tired.

I open the file and gasp there are pictures of a dozen women with bruises all over their bodies and a list with their names. Some have given statements saying Mr. Hyde attacked them during their time as his assistant. No wonder poor Hannah looked so scared and Christian acted so aggressively. I feel sick to my stomach.

'How did you get all this information so quickly.'

He sighs and runs his hands through his hair.

'When you did not want to tell me what company you were looking into I accessed your laptop and checked your files last night while you were sleeping. I saw your meeting with Jerry Roach on your agenda. So I let Welch, my investigator check the company. It didn't take him long to find all the skeletons in the companies closet. Including the number of assistants Hyde that left the company in a hurry with a large severance payment made to their accounts. He hacked Hyde's computer and found these pictures, it did not take him long to track these women down. Some of them gave statements, others were too scared to talk. When he told me I was scared shiftless, especially when I learned Sawyer did not go with you. If something were to happen to you Anastasia.. I know I won't survive..' He whispers, he looks pained and earnest.

I want to be mad at him for violating my privacy but I don't have the heart to do so.

'You love me?' The realization hits me like a mac truck I feel dazed and confused.

He looks so vulnerable and for once all his emotions are plain naked on his face.

'Yes..' Its a mere whisper but the impact of that simple word is all-encompassing tilting the entire world on its axis messing up my every thought and emotion. I don't know what to think or feel. Once again I am a rudderless ship sailing on a vast stormy ocean.