.
"Why are you doing this?"
"I don't know."
"You don't even like it."
He knows. He doesn't like it. Of course he doesn't.
But not doing it seems worse, somehow. Not doing anything seems worse.
The void in him will eat him whole otherwise. He knows that, too.
He avoids Malik's eyes.
"Please, Ryou," Malik says.
Please. Please what? Please don't be so reckless? Don't be so indifferent? Don't be such a pain in the ass?
What would he have him do instead? That's all Ryou has. It's all he has. Can't he see? There is nothing else left.
"Hey," Malik says, and his hand is on Ryou's shoulder all of a sudden. His voice is softer. "Hey, don't--"
Don't what? Don't take it so hard? Don't be such a weakling?
Healways said that.Heloved saying that.
'Don't be so weak.'
He never told him how to do it. How does one stop being weak? How does one stop caring?
How does he stop feeling like his insides are ripped in chunks, bit by bit? How does he bite down the impulse to scream until he shreds his throat?
How does one stop?
How does he stop?
He wants to stop. That's the one thing he would like.
"Hey," Malik says again, and he's hugging him now. Hugging him. Why? He did nothing to deserve it. Being pathetic doesn't count. It never did.
'Stop being so weak.'
That's what Malik should say. That's what Ryou would like to hear.
Something might make sense then.
But all Malik says is, "It will be okay. It will all be okay. Someday-- Someday we'll look back. To all of this. And it won't even feel like we went through it. It won't feel like this was really us. We'll look back, and we'll be so far away, that none of this will be able to touch us anymore. And we'll be okay."
It doesn't make sense, what he says. No sense at all. Ryou doesn't say so. He doesn't want to hurt his feelings, because he heard the way Malik's voice cracked halfway through. To tell him that this is nonsense would be insesitive.
"You think so?" he says instead.
"I promise," Malik replies.
None of this makes any sense.