30

Never Had No One Ever

My skin smeared the graphite, creating an unintentional smoky effect as I sketched one of Charlie's new expressions. His face communication better than words could, making him an easy muse. He moved around a lot, making it difficult to balance him, a sketchbook, and a box of pencils on my lap. A smile tugged on the corners of my lips as his eyes curiously moved over my page. The eight-by-twelve recycled sheet was dedicated to a few different expressions—each one was totally different than the last.

"That's you, buddy."

His eyes widened at my comment, although he couldn't understand it, and he reached for the page. Gently, I moved his fingers away, not wanting him to touch the graphite before I used fixative. He was growing restless. Edward had left for his weekly AA meeting, and Charlie had been hyperaware ever since—constantly peering to the front door where his father usually appeared.

"He'll be back soon. I promise."

Charlie didn't seem convinced. I peered at the time on my phone and saw that he really should be back any second. Every time he went to a meeting, I felt anxious. Art was the best means of distraction that I could think of. Between graphite lines was a truth only I would ever know.

Even though we were separated, I still felt his anguish. The hardest part of his recovery was admitting he had something to recover from. Every time he went to a meeting, he was met face-to-face with the demons he tried to ignore. They made him feel weak—helpless. Strength didn't matter when everything was a trigger. Beware of everything; never let your guard down; it was something he preached to himself every day. The meetings told him to have faith, but that was easier said than done.

The front door swung open and a shattered Edward appeared. He leaned against the doorframe before he staggered inside, kicking the door shut with his foot. His shoulders were rolled forward and his entire body slumped as he moved. Dejected, he didn't speak. He looked at me without seeing me—noticing without interpreting.

Charlie called out to him and clapped excitedly as he watched his daddy move toward us. His expression changed though, growing wary as he realized his daddy wasn't as happy to see us as he normally was. Before Charlie could have an outburst, I slid off the couch and helped him stand. Edward stopped walking for a moment as he saw his son try to cross the carpet to get to him with my help. I held onto his fingers as I tried to direct him.

Edward smiled, and even though the smile was tiny, it cracked through the ashen expression he had moments before. He lowered himself onto his knees and threw his takeout bag down beside him before he held his arms out. Charlie giggled as he saw this and grew excited as his father waited for him just a few feet away.

"Hey, little man," Edward said as Charlie finally reached him. He scooped the boy up and kissed his fuzzy head of hair before holding him tightly against his chest. Charlie's giggles filled the room and eased the tension. Edward took a deep breath as if he were memorizing his son's scent.

"He's been waiting for you all day." I dropped to my knees, joining them on the floor. "You all right, babe?"

I reached out and ran my fingers through his messy hair. Edward's eyes closed as I touched him, and as I moved my hand down to cup his face, he relaxed against my palm.

"I'm fine." He opened his eyes and looked at me. It seemed like he was trying desperately to control his expression. "It was nothing."

He waved me off.

"What was nothing?"

He leaned back on his heels and exhaled. "I saw my dad when I was picking up our dinner. It was—it didn't mean shit. I was just caught off guard, that's all."

"Why's it so bad to see your father?"

His jaw tightened and his gaze dropped. With his eyes on Charlie, he mulled over his words. Edward bit down on the inside of his cheek and stared ahead into the air in front of him. He did this frequently when he was looking for an answer or just trying to kill time before he said the truth.

"It wasn't shitty to see him. I was just confused—seeing him smile like that and shit. It just made me uncomfortable. I've never seen him smile at that. It was fucking weird. I noticed him. He didn't notice me at all."

"What was he smiling at?" I asked gently, trying to get him to focus.

"Fuck, babe, I just don't want to talk about this shit right now." He groaned and stared down at Charlie's hands. He began to play with the baby's fingers, fascinated with how small they were. "I'm sorry." His tone was soft now and he looked up to meet my gaze through his lashes. "I shouldn't talk to you like that. I'm just—"

"Babe, if you don't want to talk about it, I shouldn't be pressuring you."

"You're not pressuring me. You were just asking me what's on my mind, and I was being a complete dick." He stopped speaking and leaned forward, pressing a kiss against my lips. It was quick but sufficed for the moment. "God, I feel so all over the place. I don't even know why I'm so fucking bothered right now. I've never been a champion for my mother or any shit like that. She spent the whole of my life treating me like complete garbage—still, I wouldn't wish this on her. I still don't want to see her fucking upset."

As messed up as his mother was, he loved her. Loved her more deeply than he realized. It was written on his expression and exhibited in every single encounter he had with her. Fearing rejection, he had kept her at arm's length, but I knew he would have wanted her closer. He wanted the relationship Seth had with her. A relationship where she felt proud of him.

Of course, I didn't want to point this out to him. He would deny it and become despondent. The love he had for Evelyn was something he would never admit to.

"What are you talking about, Edward?"

"My dad was with some woman and he looked … Well, he looked fucking giddy. I've never seen him look fucking giddy in my life. I recognized the woman, too. She was that chick I saw at the supermarket. She was looking at Charlie … it was fucking weird. Why would she be with my father?"

"You shouldn't jump to conclusions, babe. What if it was nothing? Just two friends meeting up."

"You didn't see them together. It didn't look like nothing to me. Sometimes, you look at people and you can just tell, I swear."

"You could tell that they were fucking?" I challenged.

"Well, I don't really know."

He shook his head and stood up with Charlie in his arms. After situating the baby in one hand, he reached out to me with the other, helping me stand. Then, he grabbed the bag of takeout and trudged toward the kitchen. He placed the bag down on the table before putting Charlie in his highchair.

"I just—fuck. I just never thought my father was capable of doing anything wrong. It sounds fucking juvenile, but I always looked up to him. He's my dad … he's … I don't know. I just had this idea of him in my head. I admired him." He stopped, cringing at his words. "It sounds stupid but I really fucking admired the guy. He used to tell me that I admired him too much. Said I shouldn't do that with people so I wouldn't get disappointed. This is honestly the last thing I need right now. I've looked at him a certain way all my life—"

"Edward, you're not even sure that he's done something wrong and you're ready to start a witch hunt about it." I ushered for him to sit down next to his son before grabbing some plates and bottles of water from the fridge. He was too manic. "Just wait and hear what he has to say before you throw too many accusations around. She could be his friend—maybe, like, a business partner. I don't know … she could just be an acquaintance. My point is you're not sure and you shouldn't be freaking out about it just yet." I sat down across from him and eyed his tense expression. He wasn't absorbing a single word I was saying. "Besides, babe, your dad will be divorced soon …" I trailed off, watching Edward's expression turn horrified. "Not that I'm excusing his behavior," I backpedaled. "That is, if there's behavior to excuse. I'm just saying … God, I don't know what I'm saying. It's just—well, if something has been going on, it might give you some peace of mind to know that your mom won't have to put up with it for much longer."

He stared at me without saying a word. I've said too much. What was I thinking? His expression remained guarded as he began to take the food out of the bag. The array stole his concentration and he completely ignored me as he began to put the food together on plates. One for him and the other for me. His expression softened and he made eye contact with me as he pushed my plate toward me.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything. I wasn't there. I don't know."

"It's all right. You were just trying to comfort me. I was being a dick—as usual. It's just you should've seen them together, Bella." His voice was so quiet and contemplative that it seemed like he was murmuring to himself. "They were so touchy—so familiar with each other. There was something there … I could feel it. Like something I couldn't really put my finger on. I can't explain it—but watching them … it just felt so obvious to me. I mean, just the way he was smiling at her. That alone spoke fucking volumes." He hunched over the table, eyeing his food with a bored expression. Every emotion threatened to overflow but he fixed his gaze and bottled everything up inside. "The thought of him carrying on an affair while being married to my mom makes me feel sick to my fucking stomach. Sure, she wasn't a ray of fucking sunshine but she just wasn't warm like that. Only to Seth, really. Outside of him, she was never really loving. Whenever I was around her, I felt nothing. She spent her life prancing around like an overly medicated robot … but shit, she doesn't deserve this shit."

Only inches away from my fingertips, Edward felt completely beyond my reach. Another bit of stability had been shattered. Lack of control had become a huge fear for him, and right now, he was driving onto a highway, trying to speed to merge while being stuck behind a slow driver. It was other people's actions that made him skittish and ready to spin into a crash.

"We should probably get something for Charlie to eat," Edward said numbly before he abandoned his seat and moved to grab a jar of baby food. Deflated, Edward feed his son as he began to think out loud. "My whole life, I could've been misunderstanding her … misunderstanding everything, maybe. I was always so fucking harsh on her, and maybe when she was acting all shitty, she had a reason. And my fucking Dad … he's always been such a hero to me. Now, I feel fucking embarrassed. I don't want to change how I think of him but I want to know …"

"He's still the man who loves you, Edward. Don't forget that."

"I know. It's just … What if he becomes a stranger to me?"

"Learning new things can change how you look at him but he's not going to change. Even if you were in the dark, you knew him when all of this was going on—you loved him. Even if you see him differently, you have to realize that he's not different." I stopped rambling and tucked my hair behind my ear before my fingers trailed down and played with my hair's slightly split ends. "I don't know if that even makes sense, but maybe you kind of get what I mean."

"I get it … but I still feel shitty about everything. I'll just call him tomorrow. Until I hear the truth from his mouth, I'm not going to be able to sleep."

As soon as he finished speaking, his attention turned to his food and he began to eat. His body was so tense, it seemed if I were to reach out and touch him, he would combust.