Chapter Twenty Nine
Magnus was sitting in wait on the appointed Sunday, as Rita and Valentine portalled into his living room.
"Good evening, you two. We need to discuss something before going to Luke's. Take a seat."
"What's happened? You look more hellbent on this than I am." Rita replied, as she and Valentine sat.
"This is worse than you led me to believe, or worse than you thought. Luke's given up."
Rita frowned. "He agreed to this. He hasn't given up yet."
"That's true, but you didn't see him when I told him about this. It's not good. Valentine, did you know?"
"Yes."
"Honey, how bad are we talking here?" asked Rita.
"He tried to end our relationship at the cabin."
"No wonder you wouldn't tell me. It's a cold day in July when you get shot down."
"Rita, what did you say to him at Renwick's anyway?" asked Magnus. Now that he had fully embraced his meddling, he wanted to know, remembering how hurt Luke looked that morning.
"I assume you mean before you showed up? Let's see. I said I'd been hoping to sleep with the Prince here."
"Was that really necessary?" asked Magnus.
"Then, I got all turned around, because the Pauper's mighty fine too, so I threw shade on Valentine, saying he won't stick around."
"Rita…" Magnus gave voice to his disappointment.
"I know, I hit below the belt, if you will. My jealousy got the better of me, what can I say? Why do you think I offered them the cabin? So, now that I spilled the beans, return the favor. What happened to the Pauper that's got him feeling so cold?"
Magnus sighed. They were all tied together now. Rita would find out one way or another. "He tried to kill himself. He would have succeeded if I hadn't intervened."
"Damn." concluded Rita, after Magnus explained the circumstances.
"All I have to say is, Valentine, you better be as skilled in seduction as Rita says you are."
Rita's expression lightened. "Doctor, are you prescribing some sexual healing? You are just my type! Don't worry. I dubbed Valentine the beauty, but he's a beast."
"The suit does help, I must say." added Magnus.
"Oh, good, you two finally have some common ground, I mean, besides cozying up to the Pauper."
"I am so hellbent on this, as you put it Rita, that the rumors about Luke and I don't faze me."
"I told you, you would see things my way. Valentine, let's get you over there, so you can get it on."
Luke closed up the shop that evening, then got ready for Valentine's arrival. He thought that he wouldn't feel much with this visit, but he had been straightening things up, took a shower, wore a white button down shirt with his nicest pair of jeans, not the ones he used when he did repairs at headquarters.
Magnus told them that they would portal directly into his house, and that's what they did, at nine on the dot.
"How ya doin' Pauper? Oo, does that white bring out those blue eyes of yours! And your place is charming."
"Thank you, Rita. It's nice to see you again."
"Hello, Luke. Rita, let's get to work."
"Sure, sweet thing. Magnus is buying tonight!" Rita announced.
As she and Magnus got to work, Valentine smiled and walked over to him, carrying a travel bag. They stood next to each other, but did not speak, instead watching Magnus and Rita perform their spells and incantations.
"Alright, all done. Anyone who comes by here will have the urge to go somewhere else instead. If for some reason they make it past that, they still won't be able to see you two, but you will be able to see them. That should keep you safe for tonight. We'll come back tomorrow evening to undo it and get you, Valentine. Have a good night."
With that, Magnus took Rita's arm, and together they portalled out, leaving Luke and Valentine standing in the kitchen.
"Good evening, Valentine."
"It is good to see you, Lucian." replied Valentine, putting his hand on the side of Luke's face as he did so. Luke was more touched by the gesture than he cared to admit. He smiled and brought his hand up to cover Valentine's, then after a moment brought both of their hands down.
"What was your reaction to Rita's plan?" asked Valentine.
"I should have known Rita would notice, after what she said to me at Renwick's."
"If I may, what did Rita say to you at Renwick's?"
Luke looked down. He couldn't deny her accuracy, but it still flustered him think about.
"How she had hoped to go to bed with you. She was very complimentary of you. Her surprise at finding me there, that you were chasing literal tail. She started early, with the werewolf allusions."
"I too, cannot say I was surprised. I believe she was displaying a rare amount of discretion when she refrained from questioning me after retrieving us from the cabin. But I appreciated the chance to meet here again. I enjoyed the cabin, and I suppose Renwick's has a certain charm, but I preferred our meetings here."
"I did too, though I wondered if I was biased."
They sat down at the kitchen table. Valentine inquired about the restorations at The Jade Wolf.
"They're going well. I think we'll be able to open it up soon."
"I never realized you were such a businessman."
"I dreamed about running a shop, when I was younger. Though it took me twenty years to actually start."
"And you are selling antiques again? Now you will have three ventures, four if you count The Hunter's Moon."
"In New York City, of all places."
Their discussion eventually turned to books. Valentine was a voracious reader, and Luke knew he would have already finished the books he had brought with him to the cabin.
"What are you reading now?" asked Luke.
"A history of the Mongols. I confess, it is boring me with such focus on clothing adornments."
"I could give you some reading suggestions."
Valentine chuckled. "I am sure you could. Tell me, what is your favorite novel?"
"Catch-22."
"Damned if you do, damned if you don't?" said Valentine, then he sighed. "I can see that your life has been filled with those kinds of decisions, yet your choice grieves me."
"It does have some absurd humor. Worse would be if I said The Scarlett Letter."
"I am not familiar with The Scarlett Letter."
"It's set in American colonial days. A woman commits adultery, and has to wear an embroidered red "A" on her clothing. She is then shunned by her community."
"I am glad you did not say The Scarlett Letter, though I cannot argue it would be unfitting. Speaking of books, would you give me a tour of the shop?"
It was rather late, after they looked around the bookstore. The wind was picking up outside, and the rain, which earlier in the evening started as a drizzle, was now coming down heavily. They washed up then retired for the evening, sharing the bed in Luke's room, with only a chaste kiss goodnight exchanged between them.
Luke awoke the next morning to the sound of a down-pour. Valentine was sleeping on the side against the wall. This room still felt small with the two of them. The only difference from the last time they were here was the heavier blankets and flannel sheets.
He could have changed his bedroom. When Jocelyn and Clary visited New York, they stayed at the New York Institute. When he was stuck as a werewolf Clary had gathered her things from her room here. Amatis suggested he bring her furniture to the wolf pack headquarters. He knew that practically that was a good decision, and he knew firsthand they could use it. He did eventually move the desk and bookstand – he gave them to Maia – but it was difficult to let go. He kept the nightstand and bed for when Amatis visited, and he still thought of that room as Clary's.
He would normally lay in bed longer, but he'd had trouble in the past with water, and with this much rain he wanted to see how the basement was faring. He got out of the bed, slowly as to not wake Valentine.
He descended the basement stairs, and sure enough, there was water on the floor. He sighed. He'd put everything up on blocks and shelving after the first time this happened, but he would need to mop. He went back to the bedroom. Valentine was awake, to his surprise.
"Did I hear you go into the basement?"
"You did. It's flooded."
"How much?"
"Not bad. I can take care of it. I just need to change my clothes. Go ahead with your morning routine."
The morning that Rita had burst in at Renwick's, Valentine explained his absence from the room was due to him completing his morning calisthenics in one of the empty bedrooms, and each morning at the cabin Luke saw him do this.
Valentine nodded. "I will join you when I am finished."
Luke got on a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt, along with a pair of boots, and returned to the basement. It was still raining heavily. He was still mopping when Valentine walked down the stairs.
"Do you want some breakfast? This is taking longer than I thought it would." said Luke.
They walked back upstairs, and Luke set to cooking eggs and toasting bread. He placed Valentine's food in front of him, then sat down across from him. This was more personal, cooking for Valentine in his own house, versus at the cabin. Valentine thanked him, and they began to eat.
"Do you have an extra mop? I can help you after we are finished."
Luke hesitated. He had not expected this visit to turn into this, but he did have an extra mop.
"That would be a big help, thanks."
They made their way downstairs. After about a half hour of working , they had most of the water off the floor. He looked over at Valentine, and saw him standing next to a wall, looking intently at it.
"Is there a room behind this shelf?"
There was, it was the room Luke had used for his transformations. He had not thought about Valentine noticing it when they came down here, but they had been walking all over the basement, and Valentine had astute powers of observation. He must have noticed that there was space missing, in the outline of the basement, and taken a closer look.
Luke kept it covered with a shelf that swung forward. He had been concerned about Clary finding it. He and Jocelyn had shared dark laughter about that.
"Maybe she would conclude you are into adventuresome sex?" asked Jocelyn.
"I was thinking she would conclude I'm a serial killer."
"Ah, and that's why you really own property upstate. To bury the bodies."
Now he spent his transformations with the wolf pack at headquarters. The transformations were much easier to deal with when in a pack.
"That is the room where I used to wait out my transformations."
"May I see it?"
He'd been avoiding it, since his return. This would be the first time he had seen it since that terrifying transformation, that led to his going out into the woods. He tensed, but said yes, walking over to the wall, showing Valentine how the shelf swung forward, revealing the door, and opening it up.
The room was smaller than he remembered. The feathers hung out from the torn wall padding and the shackles laid haphazardly on the floor. He felt a chill run through him as he stepped inside. Valentine followed him in. And he thought his room felt cramped with the two of them.
"Lucian, what happened? What led up to the suicide attempt?"
Luke felt his throat constrict. He wasn't sure he would be able to speak. This room was affecting him even more strongly than he thought. When he didn't speak, Valentine reached forward slowly and took hold of his arm.
"Would you tell me?"
He felt slightly faint, but he spoke. Told Valentine that he witnessed the first uncontrolled transformation. That the three nights of the full moon had gotten progressively more difficult. The unexpected fourth night transformation. How he decided there would be no more unexpected transformations. Valentine was silent. Luke thought he might feel better, after saying this aloud, but he only felt terribly ashamed, recounting his dismal history in this dismal room. It felt like another blow this already precarious relationship could not endure.
Many people throughout his life had told him how patient he was, but this morning, he felt he was finished. Nothing he was doing with Valentine was helping. He agreed to this visit, hoping something might change, but it seemed like the pit just kept getting deeper. This is what he had been trying to spare himself, at the cabin when he suggested they stop this. He looked at Valentine standing next to him, who had a grim look on his face.
He stepped into Valentine and embraced him, trying to express how much he cared for him, that he was thankful they had had this time together, that they had come to terms with what had happened between them. Valentine held him lightly at the waist.
"Lucian." Valentine didn't quite say his name as a question, but Luke knew him well enough to know that it was.
"Yes?"
"When you told me you had been celibate for so many years, I wondered if there was more to it than the explanation you gave me. That it was not only the fact that you had to hide a truth about yourself, but a terrible truth.
"I do believe it is partly your nature, but I thought of how difficult it would be for anyone to be intimate, after being cast out by one's own people, people who were well aware of the existence of werewolves and still banished you, deeming you a monstrosity. No matter how many apologies we all give to you, there are far reaching consequences."
Luke pulled away from the hug. He had thought he would be the one initiating this, but it appeared Valentine was ending things himself. At least they were on the same page. Luke felt equal parts heartbroken and relieved. Still, he wanted to correct Valentine.
"Despite how I may seem, I've enjoyed being with you like this. I'm glad we tried."
A look of displeasure flashed across Valentine's face. "You believe I am wanting to end things with you?"
Luke looked at him in surprise, and nodded.
"I am not. Have your feelings for me changed?"
"No." replied Luke, having trouble following this conversation.
"Would you care to enlighten me as to your thoughts, then?" Luke had a moment of wishing Valentine wouldn't do this. He had imagined this as a quiet parting of ways, though he now realized that was a fantasy. Valentine was not one to go gently into the night, and even worse, seemed genuinely frustrated with him.
"I'm not getting any better, and how are we going to continue this? We'll see each other every few months for a couple of days? I know something will come up for you that is more appealing than this. My thoughts were, it would be better to end things on a good note. I love you, and I know you love me too. That can be enough."
"Your concern seems to again center on your belief I will leave you? I am not so obtuse as to fail to understand why you are concerned about this. The morning I dismissed you, I said atrocious things. Shall we recall them together? 'You are no longer my parabatai. I watched Lucian Graymark die last night. If the angelic runes were burned off your body, you are truly demonic, but I cannot bring myself to kill you. You are nothing more than a foul beast, yet you wear his skin. If there is any piece of him left in you, do the honorable thing and take your life.'
"We then terrorized each other at the Accords. I have never seen you so unhinged, and your partial transformation, leading a wolf pack, only furthered my nightmare. I would say you wanted me to feel even a fraction of what I put you through, the deep betrayal, but I think it went beyond that. You had held in so much grief, you could no longer bear it.
"I recognize you may be trying to spare yourself, but do you believe I am incapable of commitment? While we already discussed my marital failings, infidelity was not one of them. Becoming parabatai is reminiscent of marriage, as Clarissa and Simon found so amusing. I recognize the dangers of thinking of it as such, but I committed to you, knowing you would be my only.
"I know it will take time, and a continued effort on my part for you to trust me, but I am serious about redeeming myself to you. I am aware this is a struggle, even that this feels like triage, there are just too many areas requiring attention, but I know where I would like to start. Let me see the scar."
Luke hesitated. He was still lost in memory. He distinctly remembered Valentine saying those things to him. He didn't try to argue with him that morning, he only took the knife Valentine offered to him and fled into the woods, worried that if the stayed any longer Valentine would change his mind and try to kill him himself. He barely remembered the fight at the Accords. That had been another time when he thought he was fine, only to be overcome by rage. Most of his recollections came from Jocelyn. She told him how she had called out to them to stop fighting, but he had not heard her, so focused was he on Valentine. He did recall the shock when Valentine grabbed Jocelyn, the sting of her silver necklace after Valentine ripped it off her neck and threw it at him.
Luke brought himself to the present, standing in this dingy room. He reminded himself that he had been willing enough to allow this visit. This was something different. He might as well try.
"Alright." Luke said, as he contemplated how he wanted to do this. "Let's go back to the bedroom." Valentine nodded, and as they walked back, he considered not completely removing his jeans, but he thought that would be clumsy. When they reached his bedroom, he removed his belt and jeans, then sat down on the edge of the bed. Valentine removed his suit jacket and undid his tie, but otherwise left the rest of his clothing on. This felt oddly sterile, there were no sexual undertones here.
Luke patted the edge of the bed to his right, and Valentine sat down. He turned his left leg to show his inner thigh, then pulled away the leg of his underwear, revealing the scar. It was six inches long, a raised straight line, following the curve of his inner leg, a deeper red than the surrounding skin.
They both looked at it, then Luke looked up at Valentine. His features were dark.
"Do you still feel nauseous?"
"Yes." he admitted. He had made a habit of looking at it daily, touching it, but his efforts had been in vain.
"Would you let me touch?"
Luke thought back to the last time Valentine had done that. He didn't think he would have that severe of a reaction, though he supposed the bathroom was nearby if it came to that.
"If you let me guide your hand." replied Luke.
Valentine held out his hand. Luke took it, and brought it down to his leg. He took Valentine's middle finger, and placed it on the upper end of the scar and tensed. This had been uncomfortable the last time, and that time he had on a heavy pair of jeans. Skin to skin now, he felt dizzy and indeed his stomach was turning, though not enough to vomit. He continued, moving Valentine's finger down along the entire length of the scar.
When Luke reached the end, he placed Valentine's whole palm over the it. He took some deep breaths, but this was only growing more and more uncomfortable. He thought back to that morning, with Valentine after the transformation. Valentine had chained him, with his permission, in the basement, in case he changed. Luke woke up there the next morning, with Valentine sitting across the room from him. He did not speak to him, only stepping forward and undoing the chains. Valentine then indicated for him to follow him. They went outside. Luke had an ominous feeling, but he still was half hoping Valentine was bringing him out here because he knew being outside calmed him. Instead, after they had walked some distance into the woods, Valentine made his mind known. He had considered that Valentine would shun him, as Amatis did, but he had not all at been prepared for him to hand him the dagger.
He ran until he couldn't run anymore, then laid down on the forest floor. He held the dagger to his throat, but he couldn't make himself draw it across. Then he was seized with the idea of finding the wolf pack.
He found them in the late afternoon. They knew who he was. The pack leader greeted him.
"Hey, Shadowhunter. Come for payback? What'd you expect to do, all by your lonesome? I've heard talk of Valentine Morgenstern's ideas. When I saw you two sneaking around, I figured I'd hit him where it hurts. But you Nephilim are really cold hearted bastards, you know that? Let me guess, he told you to get the hell out of there? Did he ever really care about you at all? Did any of them? And you pricks still think you're better than us? We wolves stick together, but you'll never be one of us. The stink of the Clave will always be with you."
"I challenge you."
"Bring it on, pathetic shit."
The fight was brutal. She was a fierce fighter. Everyone, himself included had been surprised when he emerged as the victor.
"What do you know? You're not as pathetic as I thought." She'd said to him, coughing. "You take care of my pack, you hear?"
"How do you feel?" Valentine asked him presently, bringing him back, and he felt Valentine's hand on his thigh. He kept hoping this increasing discomfort would break, that there would be some release from it, but this hurt when he did it, and it still hurt.
He removed Valentine's hand. "Poorly." He expected Valentine to look disappointed, but Valentine had an expression that Luke knew meant he had another idea, one of his hunches no doubt.
Valentine brought his hand up to his own lips, then touched Luke's leg, just shy of the scar. Luke blanched, but reminded himself of what he had thought before. This was different, he might as well try, though he expected this to be uncomfortable. But he did want to change, and he had often trusted Valentine's intuitions in the past. He nodded.
"May we lay down?" asked Valentine.
He nodded again, and scooted backward toward the head rest. Valentine removed his button down, leaving his undershirt on, and removed his trousers as well. He wasn't sure if he did that to match him or if he didn't want to wrinkle them. Luke pulled off his sweatshirt, leaving on his t-shirt underneath.
When he went to lay down, and realized he was still wearing his glasses. He took them off, and Valentine reached for them, placing them on the nightstand. Then, Luke brought his left leg forward and his right backward. Valentine got in the bed, pulling the covers down, then maneuvered himself low. He shivered when Valentine's lips made contact with the top of the scar and continued down, and he was taken aback at the swell of grief that accompanied this.
He remembered being out in the woods last summer, with a problem he did not know how to resolve. He had thought the solution was to end his life, just as now he thought his best option was ending things with Valentine. But Magnus stopped him then, and Valentine was stopping him now. He startled when he felt Valentine put his tongue against the scar and press. The feeling of wetness on the scar now juxtaposed with his memory of bleeding out. Breathing through would not be enough, and he was not surprised when he started to cry, not as he had been that the first time they were in bed together. Valentine surely noticed, but he did not stop. These were gentler cries, compared to those wrenching sobs, which was why he was able to reach across to the nightstand drawer and pull out a handkerchief for himself. He wiped his face, but his tears did not stop.
Valentine eventually shifted, bringing himself up to the head of the bed and laid down next to him. He reached over to Luke, gripping his left upper arm, and bringing it closer to himself, kissing his bicep. Luke winced in remembered pain. This was where the Brocelind pack leader had bit him, all those years ago. She approached from behind. By the time he heard her paws hits on the ground it was too late. She fiercely tore into his bicep and gripped with her incisors, twisting him off balance and bringing him crashing to the forest floor. He fought her off as best he could until Valentine arrived. At his approach she retreated.
"I never wanted to be a werewolf." Luke now said, his voice hoarse. Valentine leaned forward and kissed him gently. He paused before speaking again.
"I didn't want to go into the woods." Valentine leaned forward and kissed him again, and he continued to do so after every statement Luke made.
"I didn't want to use the dagger."
"I didn't want to fight you at the Accords."
After Luke had been quiet for a few moments, Valentine spoke. "I do not know why you have gone through all that you have." Valentine moved forward, cupping Luke's face before speaking again. "You are stronger than you know."
Luke moved one of his hands and put it on Valentine's chest, over his heart. He found the rhythm soothing. Valentine continued, "I give thanks to the Heavens, for granting us a second chance. I love you."
"Me too. I love you." Luke replied quietly, making up in sincerity what he couldn't match in eloquence.
Valentine brought his hand down to Luke's lower abdomen, lifted his t-shirt up just enough to place his index finger above his hip bone, and slowly traced the parabatai rune on his skin, just as he had done with a stele years before in the Council building in Alicante. This time they were alone, no Silent Brother to witness them. Still, Luke reached over and traced the rune onto Valentine as well, in the same location, over his hip bone, as he too had done years before.
Magnus stood on his balcony, under the overhang, watching the rain, when he heard Rita portal into his living room. He assumed it was Rita, but was given confirmation when she called "Magnus, where are you? What did you make of that?!"
"I'm out here, Rita."
Rita stood next to him, and together they looked out over the street. They had just returned from Luke's. Rita had portalled Valentine to God knows where, and Magnus stayed behind to dispel the warding and chat with Luke for a few minutes.
"That was no love nest, let me tell you, but they seemed close. I don't get it."
The vibe had been hard to read, and Magnus was especially good at reading vibes. He knew that Valentine and Luke were not going to be a showy couple. They would already have said their more personal goodbye's to each other before he and Rita arrived, but still, there had been something strange.
After Rita left with Valentine, he regarded Luke with a gentle gaze. Luke told him he was alright, that he and Valentine even had plans to see each other again. Magnus shared this with Rita.
"Maybe it's all this rain, putting a damper on things? I feel it myself." she replied.
"Yes, I feel it too."
"Well, we'll keep on eye on them, but you know I'm still up for locking them in a room with an aphrodisiac. They're a specialty of mine. I made a fortune selling them in the early 1800's in China. Sit down, and let me tell you all about it."
Magnus smiled to himself. He didn't believe Rita would actually do that to them, but he enjoyed her zest for life. Watching the rain, standing with her, he felt peaceful, and now that he thought about it, that had been the vibe at Luke's. It only unsettled him initially because it was not what he expected to find.