Aedan had confirmed it. Between Eamon's list of present nobility and the promises of aid they had both acquired, on top of Anora's support, it would be impossible for Loghain's schemes to continue. Unless everyone suddenly turned against them, there was no way Loghain was winning any votes the Landsmeet ordered. They had done it. Somehow, they had won Ferelden's support.
It should've been cause for celebration. The Landsmeet itself would be little more than a formality, but Elissa couldn't find herself excited or happy. She was dreading the battles to come, dreading the end of this Blight. The more time she spent living, the less she wanted to die, and all it served to do was make her more scared. There was so much she needed to do, so much she still wanted to do.
But that thing inside of her, it didn't seem worried. It was convinced that someone was going to save them. Elissa didn't really understand how or why killing the Archdemon was a death sentence, but she could feel it in her bones. It had to be. You never heard stories of the Wardens living after felling the dragon. You always heard of the Warden miraculously defeating the beast, and then "succumbing to their wounds."
No, killing the Archdemon would kill her. She was sure of it.
The idea of it made her sad. It would be the one thing she was ever worthy of praise for, and it would end her. She was finally starting to understand how to use magic. She was finally starting to understand the thing possessing her. Every little piece of information Elissa managed to get on it left her with more questions than answers, but she knew more now than she did a few weeks ago.
It had lied to her about what it was. It wasn't a spirit, or at least, not one in the normal sense. It had memories, choppy ones, and it felt. It remembered caring about people enough to consider them friends. It remembered helping other people like her, remembered their deaths, remembered her calling on it. It remembered enough from its past lives to be able to give her access to spells and strengths that not even the Circle knew of.
But why did it answer her? Why did it have memories? Why did it have friends? Why did it know these things?
Why her? In the grand scheme of things, who really was she? Just another mage unlucky enough to be born into this world. Just some random person unlucky enough to be recruited into the Grey Wardens. Death came for all no matter of status, so there would be no reason to believe she was chosen because of her heritage.
Who the hell was she?
Elissa felt herself zoning out, eyes glazing over, and she did nothing to stop it. If her brain would shut off, she would welcome it. Maybe she could sleep even—it would be good to rest before the Landsmeet. Spending the entire night awake would be stupid.
She was on the cusp of it, spacing out entirely, but thoughts of the Archdemon and the horde wormed their way into her head. She saw Howe as the spirit broke him to pieces, watched in horror as she was totally convinced she was the one killing him, despite fighting through wounds she didn't even know she had. She could never feel anything happen to her when it consumed her; one of Marjolaine's assassins had shot her with a crossbow bolt, and it had done damage. And it did nothing to slow her down. A few cuts and bruises from Howe wouldn't have stopped her, let alone made any sort of impression.
Behind her, Elissa heard Leliana stir. She'd been there when Aedan came for her and Alistair. She'd been the one to return Elissa's sword and the one to practically carry her out of there. Between being stabbed and casting spells, Elissa had barely been capable of standing, let alone defending herself, and Leliana seemed happy to stay back and protect her.
Aedan didn't seem bothered by it at all. He doted on her whenever she got hurt, but he was perfectly content leaving her be.
He definitely knew something was going on between them. Elissa had teased him about his childhood crush, and Aedan had shot right back with an equally snarky comment. He knew. There was no way he didn't.
A hand reached out for her, resting on the small of her back. "You should sleep."
Leliana sounded so tired. The exhaustion in her voice was so simple and so pure it almost made Elissa cry. Something about the simplicity of it hurt.
Her voice cracked when she spoke. Not only did she feel like she was about to cry, she almost actually did.
"I'm not tired."
Leliana must've picked up on the tone. She was so perceptive. Elissa hated it. It would be so much easier for Leliana to go back to bed and pretend nothing was wrong. It would be so much easier for Elissa to keep all of this from her. It would be so much easier to lie if Leliana didn't care. Why did she have to care?
"What's wrong?"
Elissa swallowed deeply, blinked several times, and took a deep, shuddering breath. "What isn't wrong?"
She felt the bed shift as Leliana sat up. The way she'd dragged her to bed earlier, it was almost possessive, like she'd been scared of something, and thinking about it now sent chills down Elissa's spine.
"Talk to me."
The way she said it, gentle and kind and all too nice for the way Elissa had been lying the last few days, it made her blow up. She was on her feet so fast she didn't remember standing, and the next thing she knew, she had kicked a table so hard the leg snapped.
In her frustration, Elissa found it hard to keep from talking. Every single thing she'd ever lied about, to Leliana or someone else, came spilling from her lips. Every little thing that was causing her so much stress right now—not knowing what was going on with the thing possessing her, seeing shit she wasn't ready to see or know. She felt like she was slipping and losing herself with every passing second of everyday and it was driving her mad. She wasn't even the one who killed Howe and she felt like a fool for believing it was, even for a second. How could she be so dumb?
"I don't know what's happening to me."
Leliana just stared at her for several seconds, and then looked away as she sighed. Elissa wasn't exactly sure what she hoped for or wanted her to say, but that look she just gave her, it hurt. She didn't know what it meant. It was sad, lost almost, and the lack of...whatever she wanted hurt.
"Have you talked to Wynne about any of this?"
Leliana still wasn't looking at her, but Elissa shook her head. "No, I haven't. I tried talking about the dreams once, but she just..." Elissa trailed off, anger and frustration spent, and fell back on the bed. "I don't think the Circle will help. They don't seem to know anything that isn't... I don't know. Normal, I guess?"
"What about Morrigan?"
Elissa shook her head again. "No, I don't trust her."
Leliana simply nodded. The look in her eye now was more thoughtful, less pity and worry. "There's no one who can teach you about any of it, is there?" Another shake of the head, and Leliana sighed. "Someone somewhere must know something about what's happening to you."
Elissa didn't want to disagree, but she got the distinct feeling that no, no one anywhere would have any clue of what was going on with her. It felt too old, too...different, for any of the mages in Thedas to be able to help.
"What about Tevinter?"
Leliana's eyebrows furrowed, and just when Elissa thought she was about to get slapped for suggesting something so stupid and crazy, Leliana said, "That might be the only option you have. It'll be dangerous, but... We could go together, after the Blight. Continue the adventures, hmm?"
Elissa's heart dropped into her stomach. After the Blight. She didn't see how she could do anything after the Blight, not with that thing lording over her head. It was the one thing Elissa hadn't shared, the vision she'd had when they arrived in Denerim. How was she supposed to work that into conversation? How was she supposed to say, "hey, by the way, I'm pretty sure I'm going to die"?
She swallowed. "I...don't know if that's...possible."
"Why?"
She couldn't say it. She couldn't tell her. Every fiber of her being wanted to just spit it out, to just tell her, and yet, the words didn't come. She wanted to tell her. She wanted to so desperately, but Elissa didn't know how to. There was no way Elissa could convey just how frighteningly accurate these dreams could be to make her understand how legitimate her fear was.
Leliana was the first to look away, scrunching her face up as if in pain. "I see."
Elissa panicked. "No, I don't mean whatever you think I mean. It's just..." Leliana barely flicked her eyes back to Elissa's, but there was a hint of suspicion there. "We shouldn't plan for the future when we don't even know if we'll be alive tomorrow."
Her expression softened and the guilt Elissa was beginning to feel intensified. It tightened on her throat.
"Do you not believe in us?" Leliana asked quietly.
How was she supposed to say she did, and that was the entire problem?
Elissa shuddered and hid her face in her hands. Her chest felt so heavy and she felt so nauseous. Breathing was so unbearably hard. She could feel her throat constricting with every breath she took; she could feel tears threatening to roll down her cheeks.
None of this was fair. Why did Leliana have to care for her? Why? Why did Elissa have to care about her? Why did any of this have to happen, only to have the Maker rip it away? It was so cruel, so sickening, and Elissa hated it. Aside from Aedan, Leliana was one of the few good things she'd ever had in her life, and the Maker was going to take it away just as quickly as it came.
Leliana was so strong, so brave, and Elissa knew she could never be like her, no matter how much she tried to be. How did someone look at their lover and put them in the dirt because it was the right thing to do? How did Leliana walk away from that without snapping?
How did she say that there was no way she didn't believe in her brother? He was everything she aspired to be, everything she wanted to be and everything she thought she should be, everything she knew she could be. She was so jealous of him and the life he led, jealous of how perfect he was in every aspect, and never for a second did Elissa ever doubt Aedan would find a way to end the Blight.
Elissa would never doubt Aedan. He was so perfect—failure seemed all but impossible at his side.
No matter what she said, Elissa knew it would be wrong.
"I've seen it, Leli," she whispered. "The end. How can I not believe in us if I know we win?"
Rather than pressing the subject, Leliana didn't seem to care what Elissa claimed. "Then what is it?"
She shook her head. "I can't. I can't tell you."
Leliana's ever-increasing frown only continued to deepen. "I thought we promised not to keep secrets from each other."
Elissa couldn't look at her again. She knew what she would see if she did. Disappointment. Hurt. Confusion. Anger. She deserved all of those things. She just shook her head, and after a few seconds, she heard Leliana sigh before getting out of bed.
Panic struck and Elissa exploded.
"I die, okay?"
She didn't remember standing, didn't remember walking so fast, didn't remember anything that came pouring from her mouth. She was talking, crying, thoughtlessly pleading with anyone and anything listening to save her from this fate. Try as she might, Elissa was terrified. She wasn't ready to die. No matter how many times she told herself she would be okay with it, Elissa was not. She didn't want to lose Aedan, Leliana, Sam, anything.
She wasn't ready to let go. She didn't know how to.
Leliana didn't say a word. They just sat there, now on the floor. Elissa had buried her face in Leliana's shoulder, who appeared perfectly content listening. One of her hands was running up and down Elissa's back in what was a lame attempt at being comforting. It only made Elissa more aware of how nice and pleasant this was, and how desperately she didn't want to lose it.
"I'm so scared," Elissa whispered.
Leliana was quiet for several painfully long seconds. Elissa worried she'd screwed up. She worried saying anything at all ruined any chance she had. She worried Leliana would hate her, though she couldn't exactly understand why her brain drew that conclusion. She worried Leliana would laugh, or mock her for not being brave.
And instead, she just said, "Me too."