There was a heavy silence in the medical unit whilst Abby carefully stitched my palm together and I avoided eye contact with her. Bellamy had taken the responsibility of explaining the situation on my behalf, and I was unsure how he'd convinced her to treat me without prying about the circumstances, but was glad of the peace as I allowed my mind to recover. Bellamy stood with his arms crossed, leaning against the wall behind Abby and studied me closely as she worked. Although it might seem like a strange decision to my audience, I had requested to endure the procedure without any medication, as I discovered that the pain grounded me in the present and helped me to restore a sense of calm to my frazzled nerves.
Once finished, Abby raised to her feet and packed away her supplies with a kind smile. I kept my eyes trained on the ground and overheard Bellamy quietly thank her, before she left us alone in the medical unit. My legs hung off the side of the bed heavily and my newly stitched hand lay in my lap as my gaze became transfixed on the wound. Bellamy's footsteps were gentle as he approached and sat so close that my legs were contained between his knees. He took my hand in his and gradually brought it to his lips to place a feather-light kiss.
"There, all better." He whispered and his hot breath tickled my skin in a way that was oddly comforting. He ran a thumb soothingly across my knuckles and maintained a tender grip on my hand. "So, are we gonna talk about what happened tonight?" He asked quietly and I reluctantly dragged my attention upward to view him with my brows furrowed tightly. When my eyes met his, they were filled with such warm understanding that it made my heart ache and I sighed in preparation.
"I told you that I killed people in Mount Weather?" I muttered under my breath and he nodded carefully. "I killed a lot of people. I took knives from the kitchens and that meant that most of the fights were...close and personal." I explained as I glanced down at my lap shamefully. "Holding those same knives, it just took me back and then seeing the blood on my hands…" I trailed off and bit my lip as I considered how to describe my feelings without sounding like a dangerous lunatic. "Sometimes, I just get this anger in me and I feel like I can't control it. I'm so angry for us, all of us, for everything we went through, for the effects we're still going through." I admitted and Bellamy's brows raised slightly in surprise.
"You have every right to be angry." He advised as he squeezed my hand in his and I relaxed slightly at his words. "What can I do to help you Indie? I don't ever want to see you afraid like that again." He asked as his face contorted into a frown and I smiled at him appreciatively.
"I think I just need time. Training has helped, it gives me a place to burn out the anger and knowing that I can fight helps the vulnerability." I relayed and he nodded slowly as he absorbed my words.
"Okay, if it helps you I support it." He remarked in an even tone as he seemed to be analysing the information I'd given. "I'll see if I can arrange for you to have more time with them instead of shifts. For now though, Abby says that you need to rest that hand for at least a couple of days. So back to light duties." He ordered firmly and I groaned dramatically. "I knew you wouldn't like that. Come on, let's get some sleep." He chuckled as he encouraged me to stand and we strolled toward our quarters with his arm comfortably draped over my shoulders.
- O - O - O - O - O -
The coming days passed slowly as I struggled to fill my time whilst my hand healed. I knew that Bellamy could sense the shift in me, as my usual sass and attitude faded into quiet reflection and I found myself questioning my own thoughts. I'd spent very little time with my other loved ones, as I fell into the habit of finding quiet areas to study so that I didn't have to acknowledge their concern. Bellamy had been out on several patrols as they made use of the rover to start significantly mapping out the area and I kept myself distant so that I wouldn't lash out. There was a strange sense of distrust growing in my own mind, that I didn't know how I was going to react to things and I was fearful of being overtaken by emotion at any moment.
When I woke this morning, it was to a shake from Bellamy as he tried to rouse me in the gentlest manner that he could. I slowly blinked into consciousness, only to be greeted by his warm smile and charmingly messy bed hair. I couldn't prevent a yawn from escaping my lips as I stretched in the bed and rubbed at my eyes in an effort to summon some energy.
"Morning Love." He breathed with fondness in his voice and I viewed him with apprehension. "I wanted to catch you before you snuck off. I've got plans for us for the day." He stated with the slightest hint of mischief in his face and I cocked a brow at him suspiciously. "I've got some last things to arrange so I'll meet you in the courtyard. Don't ask questions, just get ready to go. Trust me." He ordered and I felt my stomach lurch nervously.
He swept out of the room without another word and left me sitting in the bed in a state of sheer confusion. I ran my fingers through my severely tangled hair and sighed. Although I knew that Bellamy had likely planned to do something kind for me, I felt uneasy at the idea of spending time together and could feel anxiety over my unpredictability prickling at the back of my mind. With a groan, I dragged myself out of bed and reluctantly dressed for the outside.
As I stepped out of our quarters, I realised that I had already automatically begun creeping around in an effort to remain unnoticed and was forced to acknowledge that I had fallen into a pattern of avoidance. I crossed the courtyard and shuffled awkwardly toward Bellamy, who stood waiting for me with a smile. As I reached him, he wordlessly took my hand in his and despite the fact that I flinched at the initial contact, he laced his fingers between mind to lead me toward Raven's workspace. I followed him in silent bewilderment and tried to swallow to panic that fluttered in my chest. We emerged into a space where the rover waited and he turned back to me with a smile.
"I convinced Kane to let me have the rover for the day. I'm gonna teach you to drive." He announced proudly and I stared back at him in disbelief as the pit in my stomach grew larger.
"Do you really think that's a good idea?" I asked hesitantly, feeling anxiety crushing my chest and he smiled reassuringly.
"Yes, I'm sure. Come on, I've already scouted out a quiet area for you to practice. Don't worry, I'll drive us there." He stated with a familiar determination as he encouraged me closer to the vehicle and I knew that there was little point in arguing with him.
There was a tense silence between us as he drove toward the location that he'd planned for the day and I chewed nervously on my lip. It was uncomfortable to sit in such a confined space, just the two of us and I could feel myself becoming stressed about his safety with me. I was afraid to even speak and my terror grew into a suffocating force in my mind. Bellamy cleared his throat a few times in an effort to start conversation but the words never followed and we remained uncomfortable. As the car slowed to a halt, I felt my stomach lurch and he glanced over at me with a forced smile.
"Okay, your turn. You ready?" He drawled with a confidence that felt disingenuous and I felt my brows furrow together in concern.
"Bel, why are you doing this? I can hardly function with the things I already know how to do, it's a major risk to give me control of this." I questioned nervously and felt my hands beginning to shake even just at the idea of being in the driver's seat.
"Because if there's ever an emergency where you need to take the rover, you need to be able to drive it." He explained defensively and I sighed in exasperation at his insistence. "You'll be fine, I trust you." He added with conviction, before climbing out of the vehicle and ushering me to hurry up. I swapped into his seat with a deep sense of dread growing in my stomach and Bellamy settled into the passenger seat with an entirely relaxed posture.
I adjusted the seat following his instructions and put my shaking hands on the steering wheel. The armoured vehicle felt as dangerous as a tank whilst I was at the controls and I was overwhelmed with terror at the level of damage that I could cause with this. I glanced down at the pedals and gulped. Bellamy efficiently explained the technical use of each item that I needed and I nodded along, despite feeling like I was a ticking time bomb. He was frustratingly calm with the concept of me operating this death trap and I wondered how it was possible for him to have such an unshakeable confidence in me after I'd almost stabbed him without any warning only days ago. When the time arrived to put theory into practice, I stared at Bellamy with wide eyes.
"I don't think I can do this." I whispered in a shaky voice and he smiled at me with understanding.
"Of course you can, you're the most capable person I've ever met and this is really simple. Come on Indie, just give yourself a chance." He insisted with a certainty that was alien to me and I returned my attention to the windscreen with a building nausea. "I'm right here, I can grab the hand break if needed. It's all under control." He reassured as I took a deep breath and realised that he wasn't going to give up on this plan.
I decided that it was best to simply get it done as quickly as possible so that I could return to quietly studying alone in camp, where I couldn't harm anyone and mentally prepared myself to attempt movement. I tried to gradually release the clutch and balance it against control of the accelerator as instructed, but nothing happened. After a few attempts, the rover hopped forward causing a frantic cry to escape my lips and Bellamy simply chuckled.
"No! I hate this, I'm not doing it, I'm going to get us hurt!" I gasped as I moved to jump out of the vehicle in rebellion but he grabbed my arm to keep me in place.
"Indie, it's okay. It was just a bunny hop, most people do it while learning. You're fine." He explained in a remarkably calm tone and I found myself panting with the panic of the responsibility. "Just take a minute to calm down and we'll try it again. You're not going to hurt anything, I promise." He added with an encouraging smile and I spent some time focused on slowing my breathing. My heart still hammered in my chest and I realised that I was sweating all over.
Eventually, I managed to regain enough control to resume the practice and after a great deal of patience from Bellamy, I managed to get the rover moving slowly in the clearing. He guided me through some simple turns, stops and starts, and ended on an emergency break. I felt a smile break through my anxiety as we slammed to a stop and a surge of pride filled my chest.
"I did it!" I gasped in shock as I turned to him with my jaw dropped open and he observed me with a familiar fondness.
"See, I know that you could." He asserted with an unmistakable faith and I scoffed at him in disbelief. "I'm sorry that I pushed you, but I felt like you just needed a win right now." He admitted quietly and I sighed thoughtfully. It was touching to realise that he had thought about this plan so thoroughly to achieve a result that might break through my anxiety.
"Yeah, you're right, I did." I admitted quietly and noticed that I felt more in control of myself than I had in days. I glanced at him with such an appreciation that tears filled my eyes and he reached out to gently brush my hair behind my ear.
"You're not dangerous Indie, you don't have to be afraid." He stated firmly and as a tear escaped to roll down my cheek, he quickly brushed it away. "I trust you, we all do. You just need to trust yourself." He muttered assertively. I allowed myself to be vulnerable as I dissolved into crying and he pulled me into his chest.
- O - O - O - O - O -
I was relieved to be able to return to training with Octavia as it gave me an opportunity to channel my warring emotions and the sessions easily became heated with my renewed energy. Lincoln repeatedly criticised my distracted fighting and I spent more time than ever face down on the ground as I stumbled into my attacks. My temper allowed me an additional speed, but it reduced my ability to analyse the fight and instead the duo easily beat me around. I slammed into the ground with a furious grunt and heard Lincoln sigh disappointedly from above me.
"You are not learning. Do not fight with your anger, fight with your mind." Lincoln scolded in Trig and I growled with frustration. "Speak to her." He ordered before heavy footsteps indicated that he was leaving and Octavia approached carefully. She offered a hand to help me to my feet and I declined it. I dragged myself to an unsteady crouch and stomped away from her to snatch up a water bottle.
"What is going on with you?" She asked with a blatant level of concern in her voice as I swigged from the bottle. I met her eyes with a frown and shrugged avoidantly.
"I'm fine." I remarked firmly and she scoffed with a bitterness that was easily identifiable. I could tell in this moment that her and Lincoln had already been discussing this and felt dread at the idea of brushing her off. Years of experience told me that when she set her mind to something, there was no dissuading her and I tried to form a plan to defend myself.
"Clearly. You're sloppy, reckless and you fight like you're actually trying to get beat up. I'm not an idiot Indie, I know when you're not okay." She argued and I began to wander away from her. She quickly stepped into my path to block me with an insistent expression and I shook my head at her.
"I don't want to talk about it." I stated coldly and she crossed her arms at me. I tried again to move past her and this time she grabbed me by the shoulders to push me back.
"No, this is enough. I don't care what you want, we are having this conversation now." She demanded and I clenched my jaw in annoyance. "I've lost track of how many times you've told me that I'm different since Mount Weather, but we're never allowed to talk about how different you are since you got back. You put on this act most of the time, it's fuelled by how happy my brother makes you but that's not enough to keep it up all the time. I can see through the 'same old caring, reliable Indie' bullshit and underneath that I know that you're broken. I don't know what happened to you inside that mountain, but it's painfully clear to me that you're not over it and I know that pretending you are is killing you." She ranted with a resolved manner and I scoffed with rage.
"You don't know anything." I spat with the familiar anger flooding my veins and she crossed her arms defiantly. I recognised that I was losing control of my words and battled to try to contain the feelings that were rapidly forcing their way out of their neat containment at her provocation.
"You're right, so why don't you tell me?" She offered and I shook my head vehemently at her sneaky tactics. "Bellamy told me about the incident in the kitchen. He says that you're closing yourself off, he's worried for you and so am I. You're pushing us all away when you should be confiding in us, in me. You can tell me anything, you know that." She elaborated and I felt my patience snap.
"What do you want me to say? You want to know what life was like for me in Mount Weather, Octavia?" I growled as I rolled up my sleeves to reveal my wrists. "The first thing that I did when woke up there, thinking that I'd ever see either of you again, was to try to kill myself. I couldn't cope so I decided that I didn't want to fight to survive anymore. Then when that failed, I spent three weeks losing my absolute shit to grief and anger, permanently attached to Bellamy's jacket like some kind of deranged safety blanket. They started using us like lab rats so I took a bunch of kitchen knives and I started killing them, as many as it took and as brutally as I could. And when all of that wasn't enough to save us, I dragged a stray guard into a room and I tortured him...to death. I killed him in the most agonising, drawn out way that my broken little mind could come up with." I blurted as fury pushed the words from my mouth and I was powerless to stop them.
"After all of my talk on humane treatment, after calling Bellamy out for his actions against Lincoln, after criticising others about acting like animals; I did it myself without anyone else involved. And do you know the scariest part of it all? It was easy." I finished and was shocked to find that Octavia's expression was barely changed by my outburst. She nodded in understanding and cleared her throat.
"It was necessary Indie. The people in that mountain were eradicating you one at a time like rats. You retaliated because you were cornered. That's war." She responded in an even tone and I stared back at her in disbelief.
"No, it's a war crime!" I argued with my brows knitted together so tightly that it hurt and she shrugged in a manner that was entirely unsuitable to the seriousness of our conversation.
"Under the laws of the Ark, maybe. To the grounders it would be considered a war crime to not take every action available to you to protect your people." She elaborated and I shook my head in bewilderment. "You did what you had to." She insisted and I had to take a step back as she reached out to touch my arm reassuringly.
"Did I?!" I spat and clenched my jaw to prevent myself from spewing out any further anger. I struggled to regain control but the emotions that flooded my body were so powerful that I feared I could lash out at any moment. My legs shook in a mixture of temper and fear, and I sighed bitterly. "I'm just so angry, all of the time. I feel like I can't trust myself, I don't know how to control it." I confessed with hot tears filling my eyes and Octavia observed me sympathetically.
"There's a difference between killing someone when it's you or them, and killing someone because you feel like it. You taught me that sometimes we have to do bad things to survive, but that it doesn't have to define you. You taught Bellamy how to trust his instincts and shoulder his burden responsibly. I think you understand that line better than you give yourself credit for." She spoke in a calm, even tone and I found myself fidgeting with my hands anxiously as her reasonable attitude reached past my anger.
"And what if I don't? What if I can't control it?" I probed as I allowed my vulnerability to reveal itself and I shuffled on the spot as I struggled to contain tears. "I'm scared that there's no difference between me and Murphy, he thought he was just doing what he had to to survive too." I confessed in a low tone and Octavia frowned at me.
"You are nothing like him." She stated in an adamant tone as she stepped closer and I flinched at her proximity. "You just need some structure, something to make you feel like you're following a set of rules instead of breaking them." She suggested and I met her eyes with confusion. "Stop thinking of these sessions as just a way to learn to fight, or burn off your stress. Embrace the grounder way. They aren't like the Ark. They understand that bad things have to be done sometimes, but they also still expect you to have honour and respect too. It's all centred around survival, just like you." She explained and I made a sceptical expression.
"You think that will help the way that I'm feeling?" I asked with uncertainty and she smiled at me encouragingly.
"It saved me when I was lost. Let me save you." She revealed and I felt a tear slip down my cheek. "If you feel accountable to something, you'll know that you're not out of control. You just need something to measure yourself against that actually works for the craziness of Earth." She explained and I sighed heavily as I acknowledged her logic. I could understand the theory, but I was unsure if anything would dissipate the anger that I was feeling. Octavia stepped fully into my space to place a hand on my arm and smiled at me warmly. "I'll speak to Lincoln about spending some time with you. He taught me a lot of the principles before I even went to Indra, he's patient and he has a way of simplifying things. Be honest with him about what you're feeling and give him a chance to help you. For today though, just get some rest."