you try to run away,
run away from the world

but then you run away,
run away from yourself

and you don't know
the way home

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(amor fati - epik high)

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[LIFELINES]

chapter thirty: damage control

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"So…" Yutaka drawls. "Heard you got into a fight with Takashi."

I fold my arms at the keyboardist. It's irritating how word spreads, even if I'm stuck in this facility. I should be used to this though. Rumours always tend to stick to me like glue; it's something that's always been a part of my lifestyle, unfortunately. I mumble, "Let me guess...was it Seiji-san? Satou-san?"

"Close," Yutaka says. "Makoto-sensei informed the next of kin, and of course Satou-san told me."

"And nobody else?"

"He thought it was better if I only knew." Yutaka mutters, "You know how the rest can be..."

I do.

If it had been any other person, I'd ask if he had spoken about it to any of the other members - but I know that Yutaka isn't like that. He's the calmest out of our group; not to mention the most mature. He's great at not taking sides, being everybody's go-to person when all falls to shit. Unlike Jun and Akira, he's the most level-headed. I've got to give him credit for that.

"Thanks." I glance down at my wrist.

Takashi's done a good number on me. The bruise might stay there over a week. A reminder of what had happened - a sign that nothing will be resolved if I don't atone for my haunting, brainless mistakes. It doesn't hurt, but whenever I look at it, my mood lowers and I feel like curling into a ball and disappearing. His same hands had taught me everything I knew, and now he was rightfully hurting me back after I had screwed him over. It's only fair, right?

"I'm sorry about this. I-I didn't think he'd go this far, Yamato."

My gaze rises, noticing that Yutaka's frowning at the bruise.

"Don't stress, man. No need to apologise. It was going to happen. He was going to erupt on me eventually."

Yutaka's too much of a nice guy. There's not a bad bone in his body. He wishes the best for everybody. And it's just like him to say sorry when the conflict between Takashi and I had nothing to do with him.

I sigh, "I haven't been one of the easiest people to be around too. Before I knew it, I was causing you all problems too."

Although Yutaka and Akira had occasionally been visiting me, I had avoided talking about myself. Like with Sora, I'd ask them how they were doing. And, whenever they'd ask difficult questions that I didn't want to answer, I'd keep silent. I never liked addressing my issues out loud, and who knows - probably this therapy is helping out, and maybe what's contributing is that Akira's not here. His personality is way too abrupt that it felt all too weird to speak about my pathetic emotions with him. In my book, he's one of the people that it's hard to get the message across too. Whereas Yutaka...he's always radiated this reassuring, chill presence.

Yutaka warmly smiles at me. It's not a condescending one, but a smile that is true to his character. "Yamato, you were bound to break. As long as I've known you, you've always restricted telling people how you really felt. And, even though this sounds horrible, I was waiting for you to break down."

I let out a low laugh. "Now that's not something you hear every day. It's almost like you wishing for me to fall apart."

Without a second beat, he replies, "I was."

That immediately captures my undivided attention. Is he serious here?

"Not because I like seeing you struggle," Yutaka clarifies. "I think it's healthy to have a mental breakdown every now and again. Once you go through it, you admit that you're feeling shit...and you just try and get better, you try to overcome your insecurities, your sadness, or whatever you're feeling from there on-"

"And how would you know that?" It's difficult for me to believe him when I've never seen him commit any mistake.

"I'm not as perfect as you see me to be-"

"That's because you are a God," I easily comment, which earns me a chuckle from him.

"Hate to break it to you, but I'm not Yama baby," he states the obvious, while making it a thing to add Akira's irritating nickname at the end of the sentence. Ignoring my glare, Yutaka speaks, "No really. I have my little breakdowns too."

"You...have breakdowns?"

"Actually, I have them on a regular basis. I think they're beneficial to me to let out some steam. It's cathartic and helps me cope. On the other hand, my missus despises it - but you gotta do whatever works for you, man. That's how you survive."

As well as being a God, Yutaka innately spurts out sound advice and wisdom that goes beyond his years. If he wasn't a pianist, he'd make a good shrink. Maybe I should get Makoto-sensei to refer him to a counselling course.

"What do your breakdowns entail?" I ask before I can stop myself. I may be asking him a personal question, but since we're talking about it, I don't know if I'll be able to later. After all, he's seen me at my worst state and after exposing how pitiful I was, maybe it's nice to hear how other people deal with shit in their lives as well.

"Usually...it has to do with my mother," Yutaka admits to me. "Whenever I'm reminded of her. You mightn't remember, but she passed around the same time as your dad."

I do remember it. It's blurry because mostly, during that period, I had been occupied with looking after and caring for my father. I wasn't exactly the most supportive friend, but it was warranted as we both were in difficult situations. At least Jun and Akira shared the load, taking turns on keeping tabs on us.

"...it was a hard time for me. Even now, I can't really grasp or believe that she's gone. Sometimes little things in everyday life reminds me of her, and before I know it...I just cry. I go home, put on a Disney movie and devour a tub of peppermint-choc ice-cream while the missus pats my back," Yutaka laughs. "It's stupid, really. But it's effective."

"Not stupid," I disagree with him. I can't help but smile though. It's amusing, picturing Yutaka watching Aladdin or Cinderella - or any of the Disney movies while bawling his eyes out. "I coped through alcohol and I'd get high. You did it the proper way, albeit odd...but at least you don't harm anybody."

"Just my pride." Yutaka mutters, "Don't tell the others."

"I won't."

"Good, I knew that I could trust you." He says it like it's normal. Somehow, his words are wholesome. Maybe because I've been somebody that nobody could rely on lately. If I were somebody else, I wouldn't trust myself too. And, out of all people, it's Yutaka that has got this weird, unwavering faith in me.

"You'd trust my words too, right?"

"Huh?" I blink. Ah, perhaps there is a catch to this all.

"About Takashi," Yutaka tells me. "Try and not let him get to you. He didn't mean to hurt you-"

I shake my head. "He did."

"How would you know that? He's your favourite. He treated you like a brother-"

"That's what I mean. I fucked up, Yutaka...I backtracked, I've been thinking about what happened between the two of us and now…"

I voice my thoughts to him, filling in the gaps - the gaps that I had forgotten about. It's good to get it out of my chest. I'm usually honest when I go to my therapy sessions with Chiyako and Makoto-sensei, but ever since I recalled what had gone on between Takashi and I...I had kept that part, that guilt to myself. Maybe I couldn't disclose to them how I knew that Takashi also was at the very same rehab, and might be speaking to them too.

Yutaka kept quiet the whole time, listening and digesting what I had told him. After a minute or two, he finally speaks up, "That doesn't make it your fault, Yamato. His parents died in that avalanche, you were focused on Kaori, you didn't know what was going on…"

"But we influenced him."

"He made his decision, like you had made yours when you started taking drugs." Yutaka says, "And he was stressed. I actually did sit down with him, I even talked to him about how he should potentially leave the band-"

"You did?" I reply. It's not something I knew of, and it had caught me by surprise. "Was he struggling that bad?"

"Yes. But, you know...he didn't want to let us down. We were starting to gain an underground fanbase, and labels had started scouting and approaching us by then. But you know how Takashi is when he's set to something. He always wants to follow it through. Which was why he kept going, even though he was in debt and he had to look after his younger sister-"

This is definitely new to my ears. I narrow my eyes. "Which was why he wanted to escape?"

"Yeah."

It makes sense now. Yutaka was never happy that Kaori and I were experimenting, but that night Kaori and I had caught him from afar, making a deal with Yamaguchi. A dizzy spell is falling over me, and my stomach is twisting in nausea. All this information is too much to take in.

"Are you alright there?" Yutaka's frowning, pushing himself up from the seat. "Should I get someone-"

"No, it'll pass through," I wave my hand at him, ushering him to sit back down. "They've been playing around with my meds, so I get like this sometimes. If we get somebody to come in now, they'll stop this session. We've only got ten minutes left-"

"I get it, I get it," Yutaka murmurs, but I can see a flash of concern in his eyes. "But you know this is why the others are concerned…Jun's still salty that you've blacklisted her."

"Well, can you imagine her coming here silently? She'll bring her crazy girlfriend together and they'll scold me together. Even worse - Jun will say I told you so with that annoying look she has."

"Petty," he throws at me.

I laugh. "She means well, but I need a break. If she loses her shit on me the first months I was here, I might have screamed back things at her unintentionally. I would have said words that I wouldn't have meant. I couldn't put her through that again…"

Yutaka just nods in reply. He knows how complex Jun and my relationship is. Of course, we both had to make it worse by fucking with each other over the years. Though, she's one of the few people I can actually expose myself too. She's seen me through my worst, and now she's got a new life - and I didn't want her to play the hero again. The reason why I've been in rehab was to fix myself too, and I've done enough relying on Jun. I mean, I had used her, I had slept with her to forget about Kaori - and she knew that. It had been a toxic relationship to begin with.

"Well, you should make amends with her soon. Maybe lift her name from the blacklisting next week?"

"Not yet. I'll do it on my own terms. I still don't know what to do with my mother and Takeru too. We had another fight last week. Takeru's angry at my mother now…"

"You're not catching a break, are you?"

"Honestly, I'm still recovering from facing Takashi. He really has left me shaken, I must say," I grimace.

"Alright. I'll pass the message on to Jun that there is hope," Yutaka jokes. "Just don't keep us waiting too long. Akira's been forcing me to some occasional jam sessions with him. He's driving me crazy. There's not much we can do with a piano and drums when none of our guitarists are present…"

"That must be horrible."

"Oh, trust me...it is." Yutaka stretches. "I should probably get going now. I've stayed my time - what, Yamato?!"

As he had stretched, there was a glint of light that caught my eyes. I squinted, studying his hand and then let out a gasp, shakily pointing at the ring, "YOU! You-you're married?"

Enough that I had missed Taichi and Mimi's wedding, but now I hadn't been able to witness Yutaka get married? I had known him and his wife since high school. Hell, they had been a couple long before Takeru and Hikari had gotten together. Everybody had been teasing Yutaka since the beginning of time about the two tying the knot - and then he had to do is so sneakily and-

"SINCE WHEN?" I blurt out.

Blood rushes to his cheeks as he scratches the back of his head. "We didn't do a big ceremony, it felt too silly because we've already been living together for so long. My missus and I signed the papers only last night…"

"Last night?" I repeat. "Do the others know? They're going to kill you!"

"I'm just about to tell them now. I thought I'd drop by to see you first and to let you know-"

"-which you clearly didn't-"

"-and now you know!" Yutaka ends.

And here I thought I was good at keeping secrets - this is the ultimate betrayal. I often viewed Yutaka and his girlfriend (now wife), as the role-model couple, and would tease them and say that they were my adopted parents...and now to know that they're officially married is amazing. "Congrats, man! So happy you finally did it!"

"It'll be great when you get married one day too, Yamato."

I roll my eyes. "I don't know about that. I can't really think that far ahead with everything that's going on. The thought of marriage sounds close to impossible. Not to mention, the one shot I had, I totally messed it up. She doesn't like me anymore."

"Who? Sora?"

Bullseye.

I shoot him a look. "What makes you say it's her?"

"Because we're not stupid. Everybody knows something went down between the two of you," Yutaka explains. "It wasn't Seiji-san or Satou-san who had told us. She's the one who went out of the way to tell us you that you were admitted to the rehab-"

"What?" I stammer. She doesn't even know my friends well enough...and her to go out of her way to find them? How does this make sense? Just a week ago she said she didn't want to be with me, so I had cut ties with her. I had blacklisted her. I didn't want her to be my friend, I wanted something much more than that...and she wasn't going to allow that to ever happen again.

"I'm saying that you should give her a chance. Don't close her off-"

I exhale. "I didn't. She's the one who shut me off this time-"

Knock, knock, knock!

The security guard, Maya, is looking inside the room from outside. Our time is up. Yutaka departs from the meeting room and I let out a relieved sigh. It's a good thing because I don't think I can stand Yutaka interrogating me further about Sora. It's too tiring.

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"Yo, Yamato?" a breathless voice calls out to me. "Don't tell me that you're done already, you little bitch."

I turn my back from my phone, ignoring the video chat. I'm laying, heavily breathing to catch my breath back as perspiration seeps through my pores.

It's weird using my phone again, especially after being disconnected from the outside world. Prior to being without my phone, I'd only really use my phone for texting, or calling people. Social media wasn't my thing. Besides, I've been one of those people who preferred to catch up with somebody in person, then again...having given that I'm in lockdown at rehab, I couldn't do that. However, now that my phone is technically back in my hands, I can't say that I have no form of communicating to people outside of the facility.

Satou-san had the phone confiscated from me as soon as I had been admitted into hospital, and had held onto it when I had been transferred to rehab. Anyway, the update now is that the docs have deemed me safe to have my phone back. That's gotta be a good sign, right? I've even heard them bringing up that I could potentially be discharged at the end of the month if I continue to progress well. It's the most positive news I've heard in a long time.

"Yamato!"

I grumble to myself, laying onto my back as I raise the phone over my head. Squinting my eyes, I use the device to watch my best friend in his home environment, working out. He's currently in the process of resting his pair of dumbbells back onto the ground.

The dumbbells look bizarrely heavy from how Taichi had been carrying it, flashing his biceps (because he likes to show off like that). No, really, he's good at keeping fit. I might be disciplined with music, but never at working out. I'm unbelievably jealous because despite Taichi being retired from the athletic scene, he's one of the few I know that can maintain keeping in shape.

Raising an eyebrow, Taichi chastises me, "That was pathetic. Do another twenty."

"But I've already done thirty push-ups," I complain.

This is a mistake. I'm beginning to regret this. Heck, Satou-san should have never given me my phone back. Once Taichi heard word of it, he had made me promise to join his workout sessions. I swear, this is the most I've seen Taichi. He's like my own personal trainer now (on crack). Non-stop, he's been spitting out nonsense about how keeping fit is the way to ultimate enlightenment. I'm not even joking. I wish I was.

Though, I have to say, it has been helping out. My mood has improved and it's kinda nice spending time with Taichi - despite it being virtual. I don't think I've regularly kept in touch with him, like this, since high school. Now that my hectic work schedule is non-existent, most of my days are free. There are a few hours that I designate to therapy sessions, basketball games and meals...but other than that, I had seen no reason to refuse Taichi's sparta-like lessons. In fact, Makoto and Chiyako-sensei had encouraged it, insisting that being fit contributes to my health and wellbeing.

Now I'm regretting the fact that I had suggested it to them...Taichi really knows how to drill a person, and how to run a person to the ground. I had a memory lapse that he had been titled the satanic soccer captain. The nickname suits his undeniable madness.

After a series of pull-ups, lunges and squats I take note of the time.

"Hey Tai, I gotta go now," I tell him.

"Already?" Taichi mocks me. "We still have five more minutes to go-"

"I have a meeting." The brunette sends me an accusing look, as he's well aware of my schedule and because I had said that my therapy session was finished for the day. I clear my throat. "Uh...with my mother. She's booked in and-"

"No, that's fine. Go ahead," Taichi waves me off, gesturing he's all cool with me leaving. "If it all goes bad, you know you can call me."

"Sure." I stop myself from rolling my eyes. Although he's offered, I know that even if it does 'go bad' with mother dearest it would be too awkward to speak to him about it. I get it; I know Taichi's putting in a lot of effort to be there for me, but there is still a borderline I like to keep and he's never really understood my relationship with my mother - as his mother, well, is a normal mother (asides from her bad cooking). "See you for our next session, man."

I change shirts, using a towel to dab the excess sweat from my face.

It's been a month or two since I've seen her; the same goes for Takeru. Our last meeting hadn't ended well with me exposing mother's affair.

My stomach is doing black-flips, and a new sheen of sweat forms on my forehead - this time not from the exercise. I wipe my face again. I could hit the showers...no, I shouldn't. I'll hit the shower after I meet up with my mother since, if I shower now, I won't be able to make the meeting in time. Actually, that sounds like a great idea. If I do, that will lessen my meeting time with her - Yamato, just get on with it…

Makoto and Chiyako-sensei are really getting to me. It's like I can hear their voices scolding me.

Turning the knob, I enter the room and find that my mother is already there.

I immediately don't know what to make of it...of her.

Because everything's out in the open now, my eyes are clearer (or it could be the lighting?), my thoughts are less scattered, the medications are working, and gazing at her feels different. Now that Takeru knows, the weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Before then, whenever she was in my company, it was extremely difficult for me to simply look at her without my blood raging. It's like I have a different insight all of a sudden, and maybe because this time I'm actually looking at her.

Dark eye bags, not a single hint of make-up, trousers and a white blouse with red stains (stains?!) on it, creases one her forehead...and her hair! It's in a messy bun, which is truly something for her because she never has a single strand of hair out of place. What's more astounding is that her hair is now grey, not her normal light brown shade that I'm used to seeing. Grey? Since when did mother have grey hair. Has my mother really aged this much? How did this happen? Since when?

"Goodness, Yamato. Of course this is my natural colour. I've been dying my hair for years!" she snaps.

Yes, I've been staring too long.

At least her irritating attitude is still there...but still. This new look doesn't suit her because my mother's vain. A personality trait she's always had. She's always prided herself for her appearance and everything, with her, has to be pristine perfect. Right now, she looks like the shadow of her regular self.

She takes my silence to start talking, "I-I didn't think you'd accept my visit today."

"I didn't blacklist you," I admit. It's weird speaking to her without getting irritable. Maybe because her walls are down, maybe because the cat is out of the bag and neither of us are keeping the secret anymore. I don't feel like fighting anymore, and then I proceed to ask a question that's been playing in my mind, "Has...Takeru?"

My mother bites her bottom lip. "No. Not since that time…"

Guilt tickles my mind. Of course. It might feel lighter on my shoulders, but it wouldn't be for my mother's case. The reason why I hadn't exposed the affair earlier was because I knew how close Takeru was to her. I hadn't wanted to ruin that relationship, and at that time, Takeru was too young to understand what was going on. All though I never got along with her, as long as she had Takeru...and now she had nobody.

"...and you." I angle my head, registering what she's saying. "Yamato, it's enough that you don't talk to me, but having Takeru not speak to me too...I can't bear it. I don't like the things the way they are. I can't have both of my sons not speaking to me."

"So you're only here because Takeru won't speak to you?"

"It's not like that. I'm here because once I know you leave from here...you won't ever want to speak to me again," she cries out.

My mother is the way she is because she's strong-willed. She hates asking for help from other people. After the divorce she had refused father's money to help raise Takeru, working long hours and even setting up a savings account for me (despite me not wanting any of her money). She gets shot looks from people for having a divorce, for looking more European than asian, for arguing for what she wanted - it's no surprise she had gained herself a title for Tokyo's main newspaper as the head journalist. But, now that I think about it, I've never seen her socialising with other people aside from Takeru and our grandparents.

"And...you being here! Why did I let this happen?" she tears up. "How could I? I didn't realise how much-what I did-"

Before I can stop myself, I'm reaching over to hold her shaking hand. The sudden sign of affection makes her gaze at me with bleary, glazed eyes. I shake my head. "Being here wasn't because of you, ma. The divorce, how I caught you that night...it did impact me to a certain degree, but I would have been here without it happening, mother. So please, don't blame yourself."

I'm not lying. In the bigger picture, the divorce was little compared to what I had to deal with. The divorce had happened when I was younger. I had been feeling low before then. I lost Kaori. I saw her die in front of me. I took drugs. I drank. Father passed away.

Yes, the divorce happened...but I knew it was going to happen prior to my mother cheating. I had seen how cold the relationship between mother and father had turned, and how their love had sizzled away. It had been predictable, and I had already had a hunch that it was going to happen soon. I had made sure Takeru wouldn't hear their conversations, their screaming matches...I'd hide the empty cans of beers. I had covered as much as I could for both of them. I wanted my parents to work; but even I hadn't had the ability to save their dying relationship.

"I'm sorry you had to see that," she chokes out. I don't let go of her hand.

We've never touched on this subject. All I remember is that father had been at Takeru's basketball match, I had been feeling ill and decided to leave early...that's when I caught her half-naked with another man on the couch. Her fingers twisting through the stranger's hair. The stranger planting kisses down her neck - it had been too much. My schoolbag had dropped, and as she yelled after me I had already stormed out of the apartment. I don't have the best memory, but when you stumble across your mother like that...of course it's sure to, unfortunately, sink in.

But what else can I say? I've screwed up too. My mother, she's not as perfect as she makes it to be. She is fragile; she has cracks too. Like me. I had made mistakes too. I haven't been exactly a saint either. If I'm willing to, hopefully, one day forgive myself...shouldn't it be time to forgive mother too?

Edging closer to my seat she lightly pats the top of my head. She releases a sigh and whispers, "Honey, I never meant to hurt you."

"I know." I project a tiny smile. Although we had bickered during our previous meeting, I couldn't help but think about how Takeru mentioned that she kept my CDs on her shelf. It's something that I couldn't completely grasp. In fact, there are still many things that don't make sense to me yet. "What about that man I saw you with? I thought you were going to leave us for him-"

"Never," she replies. "He was a colleague that walked me home. He was dropping me home from our after-work drinks, and I felt-I was lonely, upset with my relationship with Hiroaki that I acted thoughtlessly."

"Oh."

"I did love your father, Yamato. Don't get me wrong. You don't know how hard I tried to keep us together, but he...he wasn't changing. He wasn't willing to try."

"He loved you," I say. "He'd get drunk, looking at our photo albums. He'd mumble in his sleep about you-"

"Precisely." My mother frowns, "I loved him too. I really did, but he loved alcohol and smoking more. Your father and I, we had ongoing problems for a while. We married young. We were both career-focused, we hardly would get to spend time together. And I know he loved me...but I fell out of love with him."

I don't think it's a concept I'll ever understand. The people I care, the people I do love...they've never left me. The feeling that I held for each of these individuals was strong. Sure, I held a stubborn grudge against mother - but even I could never hate her. It could be because I'm selective with the people around me. Once I let somebody in my life, I'm not the type to shrug them away - but you blacklisted Sora, didn't you?

This isn't about Sora though.

I face my mother. "How does that happen? Falling out of love..."

Kaori's gone, but sometimes I wish I could forget her. I don't think I'll ever move on or completely fall out of love with her, even if she is now just a memory.

"I wish I knew the right answer to say, but I don't." She sadly frowns at me. "If I could, I wish I hadn't. If I hadn't fallen out of love, maybe we'd still be a family."

She caresses my cheek, something I don't remember her doing to me for a very long time. "I think about it, you know? Takeru, you, your father and I...still living together. It really hurt me that I had to go to certain extents to separate from Hiroaki."

"Hmm?" I urge her to go on. Somehow, now that she's put it this way, her story doesn't seem to have concluded. What more have I been missing, what other piece of the puzzle hadn't I put together without knowing?

"Well, you're right. I knew your father still loved me, but I couldn't do it anymore. I felt trapped. I had nobody to turn to. My friends, they're not like the friends you have. Since your father and I married early, and I was pregnant with you, they kinda ditched me," she laughs to herself. "I was a stay-at-home mother. My career was on pause. Both your grandparents were against your father and I being together, so I couldn't leave your father then. And that's also the reason why I must have kept going...even though I was withering away inside. I wanted to prove everybody wrong."

The thought of my mother being young and stubborn is not surprising. She's always been the type to stick to her guns and she wasn't one to cave in easily.

"...and then your father would come home late. Drunk, as always. It was his standard state, Yamato. I suggested many times that we separate, but he would deny it every time. My resentment for our relationship continued for years, and he'd say I was just being dramatic, that I still loved him, that I wasn't thinking straight."

My mother scoffs. "When he was the one that wasn't sober. He'd get violent. Not at me...never at me, or you. He'd throw things around when he didn't like what I had to say. He'd give me a guilt trip about Takeru and you. He hated even the single thought of the word 'divorce'. I became desperate and reckless...so when you caught us that night, Yamato - I really wished that it was your father who had walked in."

She's trembling now. "I needed any excuse, anything to get him to hate me...to let me go. So that man you saw me with me, I used him to get to your dad. I'm so sorry Yamato...you probably hate me more now. I know I'm horrible. At that time, it was the only solution, the only thing that I knew would work-"

I never thought of it that way. I never knew how much my mother had struggled, silently and by herself. I knew my father's side of the story off the back of my head, but I hadn't thought it to be this convoluted. I had always been sure that my father's alcoholism started after the divorce, but now that I think about it...it wasn't true. He had always been a heavy drinker and smoker.

She retracts her hands back, letting go of me and using them to cover her eyes. Witnessing her lose composure is something I can never get used to. My cheeks feel wet. I'm crying too? Fuck this. My vision gets blurry and my chest feels tight. Who knew that the two most stubborn people could become such a disaster like this? It hurts me, seeing her suffer like this...thinking of how long she had kept this all to herself to that Takeru and I could live without knowing what she had been through. There are fragments of her that I see in myself. I can't say that we're all that similar personality wise, but we both hold the same trait of pushing people away.

I hug her.

She stiffens, but she doesn't push me away. Even in my arms, she's thinner, skin wrinklier. I had been blinded by my anger, that I hadn't noticed how much she had aged over the years. She's not an enemy anymore. She's the wrong person I had directed my anger towards. She had been by herself all this time, and I had never realised it. And now...I finally get it.

I pull her in closer. My mother weeps harder when my arms wrap around her tighter.

The only feeling that's left is forgiveness.

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(a/n) another long one. thanks for still reading this story. i'm so glad i finally got to write that yamato x natsuko scene. hope you are all doing well xox