Metanoia

Epilogue

Rory watched the rain splash down Doctor Robert's window, warping the view of the city badly enough to turn it into blobs and misshapen blurs. It was a reflection of how her brain felt nearing the end of her session.

Roberts had asked her about her time in Australia and for the first time Rory had told him everything. From the catalyst for her leaving right up until when she returned home.

It felt good to talk about it finally, to have someone hear her words without judging or knowing something she didn't.

She felt like she could breath again.

"I know I made a mistake by leaving. I know I made am mistake and I know they made a mistake and now I'm living with the consequences." She said softly after Roberts let her think for a long moment. "I regret everything, I really do."

"Never regret anything that's happened, Rory." Doctor Roberts said in a grave voice and she tore her eyes away from the window to look at him. "It cannot be changed, or undone or forgotten so take it as a lesson learned and move on."

Rory clenched her teeth.

His words were the truth and she knew that. She'd done what she'd done, just as much as her family had done what they had done.

"Instead of regretting, why don't we think of things you experienced in those two years." He suggested and Rory's brow furrowed. "Tell me one good thing you remember. It can't have been all bad."

"Australia was a beautiful place." She said without hesitation, a smile creeping onto her face. "Sydney, where I lived, had this wonderful aquarium that I used to go and sit in when I had downtime. I just used to watch the sharks and the fish swimming in the tank. I'm sure the guys who worked there thought I was crazy."

"That sounds peaceful."

"It was." Rory agreed. "I think… it helped me a lot. I think it let me think and categorize my thoughts. Figure out what my next steps were going to be."

"In a way that probably helped you a great deal. You went through trauma alone and you went through it while playing a role for your job. It's ok to feel like you turned into a different person."

"I turned into a different person on purpose." Rory replied and Doctor Roberts gave her the lifted brow that she'd come to know as a prompt to elaborate. "I became something - someone I needed to be in order to prove to everyone that I was ok. To play a part in some twisted scheme that I think ended up saving the world but I really don't know anymore..."

"But you knew you weren't that person."

"No. I knew I wasn't who I became... and now I don't know who I am."

The words were out there, made real by speaking them and a heavy silence fell for a few moments before Doctor Roberts spoke again.

"Do you think you became that person because you thought that's what your family and friends needed to see?"

Rory thought for a moment, chewing on her thumbnail. She reached for her water as her stomach rolled, sipping slowly as she thought about her answer.

"You mean, did I feel like I wasn't good enough and they had no faith in me?" She asked and Roberts nodded. "Yeah. Absolutely."

"And what about now, how do you think they see you now?"

Her stomach rolled again. She was going to throw up she was sure and she eyed off the wastepaper basket, trying to judge how long it would take her to get to it in the event she did vomit. It was better than thinking about how her family saw her now. She knew it had changed, knew it wasn't like it used to be and she wasn't entirely sure sometimes that they had forgiven her. There was still a. nasty voice in the back of her mind that told her she didn't belong because they were still hurt. No matter how many times Maggie called her, or Alison dropped in to say hello. She still felt guilty over what she'd done.

"I think they want to see me like they always did - the baby sister, the funny one, the happy one… But I don't think they do. I don't know how they see me now."

"Do you think you're not those things anymore?"

She paused.

Was she any of those things? She was the baby only by age but when was the last time she laughed or felt... anything except empty?

Maybe when her phone rang and it was Steve... or Natasha... or Alison, Grant, Tim, her grandparents... and her nieces and nephews always managed to make her laugh with their silly jokes and magic tricks they were learning...

"I think I'm some of those things." Rory nodded finally. "I just don't think I'm the same."

Doctor Roberts smile at that.

"Good. Very good." He said and Rory was confused.

"How is that good?" She asked.

"Because acknowledging change is a step toward loving the person you are. Acknowledging you did the things you did, and that your family did the things they did, is a step toward recovery." He explained and slowly Rory understood. "In order to love who you are, Aurora, you cannot hate the experiences that shaped you." He reached into his desk draw and drew out a book. "Andrea Dykstra is a wonderful author. I want you to read this and tell me what you think."

Rory looked at the book and scanned the blurb. A Transformational Journey it said. She tucked it into her bag.

"I'll give it a go." She promised, and she would. She felt good at the look of ride on her doctors face, "Thank you, Doctor Roberts." She said, smiling at him.

"You're most welcome." He smiled that warm smile she was coming to depend on as a compass to point her in the right direction. "Now go. Our session is up. I will see you on Monday."

"You will." Rory nodded, standing and slinging her bag over her shoulder.

"And Rory?" He called as she went for the door. "Next time we meet, I would like to talk a little more about Steve and who he is to you."

"Yes Sir."

"If we can, I would like to get him on the phone and talk to him myself."

"Sir?"

"Rory, there are no Sirs here." He reminded her with a chime in his voice.

"Right sorry… but why do you need to talk to Steve?" She asked.

"Because in order to get a picture of how you handled losing a child, I also need to know the other side. There were two people in that situation. It couldn't have been easy for him either."

Rory rested her hand on the door.

"No probably not. Considering he lost me as well…" She trailed off and gave a sigh. "I'll call him tonight and ask."

"Thank you." Doctor Roberts smiled. "I'll see you Monday."

"Yes, you will."

She opened the door and stepped into the waiting room, smiling at Maggie who was waiting for her.

"All done?" Mags asked and Rory nodded.

"For today."

"Great, I'm starving so I need a snack and then we have to hit the grocery store."

Rory frowned as they walked to the elevator.

"Why the grocery store?"

"Because Pa called and said we're doing family barbecue tonight."

"Oh, ok." Family barbecues weren't uncommon with the Dugan Clan but she wondered why this was the first she was hearing about it. It was raining after all, not exactly great weather to relax around the pool and go for a swim.

"You ok coming to the store with me?" Maggie asked, knowing that Rory still wasn't great in public spaces.

Rory stared at the floor as the elevator took them to the carpark.

She nodded firmly.

"It's just the local grocer, right?"

"Right."

"Then let's go."

Maggie wrapped one arm around her sister and the other around her belly.

"McDonald first. This kid wants french fries, all the time."

Rory survived the fruit shop, which was a dumb thing to be proud of considering she was a trained assassin, but they'd gotten what they needed without any issues. By the time Maggie pulled into the driveway, the rain had stopped and Grant, Allison and the kids had arrived. Jo and Tim wouldn't be far behind, she was told as she entered her house.

Peggy was of course in the kitchen, delegating tasks to organise enough food for a small army and Rory wondered again why they hadn't told her about this sooner.

"What's going on?" She asked her Grandma suspiciously when she kissed her cheek, handing over a bag of supplies at the same time.

Peggy smiled, her eyes sparkling.

"Family dinner. Alison didn't have to work tonight after all." It was the only explanation Rory got as her grandmother's eye caught something behind her in the garden, causing her eyes to narrow. "Can you start chopping tomatoes for the salad, please darling? I need to go and supervise your grandfather, and your brother with that fire. They don't need that much lighter fluid, the barbecue isn't wet…"

Rory took the bag of supplies back as her grandmother pushed them into her hands and laughed when she realised that Grant and Dugan had turned the barbecue into a fire pit, the flames reaching toward the sky as the two of them laughed loudly.

There was an easy rhythm in the kitchen as Alison, Maggie and Rory prepared the food. She was just slicing the last tomato when there was a roar of an engine and one of the kids screamed in excitement.

"UNCLE STEVE'S HERE!"

Rory gasped at the shout of his name and jerked her hand, causing the blade to slice through her thumb instead of the tomato.

"Ow, fucking SHIT." She swore as blood leaked down her hand. "Shit shit shitting fuck."

"Jesus, Rory!" Alison, the doctor, exclaimed, grabbing a towel and wrapping it around Rory's hand. She tugged her toward the sink and turned the tap on. "Hold still, let me take a look."

"Steve's here?! Why is Steve here?" Rory asked, trying to twist away as she heard the stampede of kids racing out the front door.

"Stop squirming, this looks bad!' Alison snapped.

"Oooh there's so much blood." Maggie crowded Rory's other side.

"Blood?"

Rory turned back to the sink, watching her blood leak down her fingers and swirl down the drain. Her head spun at the intensity of the red against her skin. "Wh-why is Steve here?" She asked, swallowing hard as her stomach rolled.

"Because he wanted to surprise you." Maggie grinned. Her grin turned to a frown as the colour drained from Rory's face. Rory's ears rang and she sucked in a deep breath. "Woah. Roar, are you ok?"

"She's gonna faint, Mags, grab her!" Alison's voice sounded far away. Maggie grabbed her around the waist and steadied her on her jelly legs.

"No, no, I'm fine… I'm…" She closed her eyes and drew breath through her nose, which turned out to be the worst mistake because the metallic smell of blood only made her feel worse. "I'm… not…"

"Woah doll…no need to faint at the sight of me."

"James?!" She asked in confusion, her eyes opening a little.

"In the flesh… and titanium alloy." There was a soft dinging noise, faint above the ringing in her ears.

"Idiot." Rory heard Natasha murmur a soft insult.

"Nat?! You're here too? Can someone tell me what the hell is going on?!" She growled, clinging to her sister as Alison kept hold of her hand.

Arms wrapped around her from behind and Maggie disappeared from her side… and then she smelled him.

Not James… but Steve. The sweet and spicy scent of C.K. Eternity that she had always loved enveloped her and replaced the metallic smell.

"Surprise." He said, his lips close to her ear. "What have you done to yourself?"

"I sliced my hand, the blood had made me a little…" She opened her eyes and looked into his, a new wave of dizziness washing over her for an entirely different reason. "Woozy."

"Woozy?" He chuckled, his blue eyes seeming to be so very bright in the light of the kitchen. "Since when have you been woozy at the sight of blood?"

"It's a very new thing, trust me."

Steve ducked to kiss her forehead before he turned his attention to Alison.

"How's it lookin', Doc?"

"Probably won't need stitches but I'm going to bandage it to stem the bleeding." Alison replied. "Can you boost her up on the counter while I go get the first aid kid?"

"Sure." Steve replied, holding her by the waist before lifting her to the counter edge. She turned her head away from her hand, turning to face Steve, James and Natasha.

"What the hell are you three doing here?" She demanded, her head less swimmy than it had been before.

The trio grinned widely.

"I told you we were coming." James said with a wink and Rory frowned.

"No you…" Then she remembered. The message from 2 days ago. "That wasn't telling me, you ass." She rolled her eyes, smiling despite herself.

"We had a change of plans. We can't be here for Steve's birthday on the 4th because of some meetings at the compound, so we figured we'd come early to celebrate and surprise you." Natasha smiled. "Steve's idea." She gave Rory a wink as she elbowed Steve in the side.

The tips of his ears went red and he lifted his hand to rub the back of his head.

"Yeah, well… I think if I stayed at the compound any longer I was going to kill Tony so it was safer here in Boston."

Rory's eyebrows rose.

"That bad, huh?"

"He's just being Tony." Natasha answered for Steve, her tone clearly saying to drop it. There was a scream from one of the kids in the next room as Alison entered the kitchen again and the woman swore.

"Tucker, if I come in there -" She shook her head and placed the kit on the bench, picking up Rory's hand. There was another scream from another child. "Tucker! STOP!"

"Here, I've got this, you go see what that's about." Steve took Rory's hand from Alison's.

"Thank you, Steve." Alison said, giving him a thankful look before she disappeared again. "TUCKER TIMOTHY DUGAN!"

"Someone's in trouble!" James smirked, folding his arms across his chest. Rory barely heard it as Steve lifted her injured hand to his lips and pressed her knuckles against them. She loosed a breath at the sight. "So how'd you slice yourself?" James asked a little louder, pulling her attention away.

"I slipped with the knife when I heard one of the kids yell out Steve's name." She admitted, causing James and Nat to burst out laughing. "Fuck off." She swore, hissing as Steve dabbed antiseptic on the slice. "I just wasn't expecting you guys." She whined, looking away from her injury again.

"Why do you think we're doing a barbecue?" Maggie asked, reaching around with a cold washcloth to dab of Rory's forehead.

"Because we always do them in summer?" Rory responded, ducking out of the way. She felt fine now, honestly. A little nauseated but otherwise ok.

"Yeah but it's raining today… and you always know about them beforehand." Maggie grinned, continuing her quest to reach Rory's head.

"Well, I didn't think… about it… Maggie will you cut it out!?"

"No! You still look green and you're sweaty." Maggie shook her head. Rory ripped the compress out of her sisters hand and threw it in the sink where it landed with a splat.

"I'm fine."

"You sure?" Natasha asked and Rory nodded.

"Absolutely."

"Sweetheart, will you keep still?" Steve said gently, squeezing her fingers. She turned to him, pouting.

"Tell my sister to leave me alone."

"I'm just trying to -"

"Mags…" Steve sighed finally, looking between the two women.

"Ugh fine, I'll go see if I'm needed elsewhere." Maggie rolled her eyes dramatically before leaving. Steve chuckled.

"Ah, I missed the arguing." He muttered, finishing up wrapping her finger. He bought it to his lips again and she froze slightly, remembering the last time she was in this kitchen with him and what they'd done. Her cheeks went red when she realised she was sitting in the exact same spot...

"Will you two get a room?" James' loud voice cut through the silence that had built since Maggie had left. "I mean, I remember what you two did last time you were in this. It wasn't pre -"

"BUCK!"

"J SHUT UP!"

Rory and Steve yelled at him in unison and he laughed loudly. Natasha wrinkled her nose.

"That's unhygienic." She shook her head.

"It's been cleaned since!" Rory huffed, pushing Steve away so she could jump down. Her cheeks still burned.

"Still disgusting." James said, reaching to pull her into a hug. "Missed you." He murmured in Russian and she smiled, breathing him in.

"Missed you too." She replied. "You're still an ass."

"Yeah, I know. He's missed you a lot by the way. I thought he was going to punch Tony when we got the news there'd been meetings planned for that week."

"I'm about ready to punch Tony for that. But I've missed him to. I've missed all of you."

"But him the most, right?"

"Definitely him the most." She promised, turning to look at Steve. He was frowning hard, his face an absolute picture of concentration. "What are you frowning at?"

"Nothing." He said quickly, running a hand through his hair.

Natasha laughed.

"I've been teaching him Russian… I think he's trying to translate what you two are saying."

"I think she swore at him?" Steve said and James grinned, his arm slung around Rory's shoulders.

"Something like that." He nodded. "Right, now what's left to do? I'm starving. Riding a motorbike for 6 hours kind of sucks."

"You had the choice of the car." Natasha shook her head, heading toward the back door.

"The motorbike looks cooler." James said as he followed her.

"Then don't complain about the pain."

Rory followed them, smiling. She glanced at Steve and found him already watching her.

"I missed you." He said, the words seeming to tumble out of his mouth.

"I missed you too." She promised, feeling happier than she had in a long time.

"Jesus christ what is that smell?" Rory groaned as she rolled over on, freezing when she realised she was on the very edge of the couch in the downstairs den. An arm was tucked around her waist, holding her tightly and she realised Steve was stretched out behind her. Opening her eyes she spotted James sprawled across the floor below her and in the armchair by the window, Natasha was curled up with a book and a cup of coffee, watching her over the top of the mug.

"Coffee." The Russian said in a level voice before taking a sip.

Rory shook her head.

"That doesn't smell like coffee. That smells like garbage."

She could smell the dirty, sick scent from where she lay and she vaguely wondered if she was going to vomit.

Natasha's brow knitted and she lifted the mug to her nose.

"Nope. Just regular, black coffee."

"Then it must be something else." Rory murmured. "Why are you awake so early anyway?"

"The sun is up."

"I distinctively remember still being awake when the sun was coming up. What's the time?"

"A little after 10."

"Jesus. Did you sleep at all?"

"Yeah for a few hours, before the sun streamed right through that window and directly into my face. It probably wouldn't have been a problem if we'd slept in bedrooms, but noooo someone insisted on stretching out on the floor to keep watching movies." Natasha nudged James with her toe, causing the man to groan.

"They were good movies." He muttered, holding his hand out. "Coffee."

Natasha took another mouthful and handed him the mug. The smell wafted over to Rory again and she groaned.

"That's disgusting."

She wriggled on the couch and turned until her face was pressed into Steve's neck and all she could smell was him. Chlorine from the late night swim lingered on his skin as well as the sweet scent of his cologne so she inhaled deeply to rid her nose of the foul smelling coffee. His arms tightened around her and his lips found her forehead.

"What time did I end up falling asleep?" he asked, his voice a deep rumble against her cheek.

"Sometime around Empire Strikes Back… so two maybe?" Natasha replied. "Which is a travesty, Steve, considering that's the best of the trilogy."

"Seen it too many times. I was beat." Steve yawned. "That was probably the best sleep I've had in a while."

"Mm, me too." Rory nodded. She'd actually slept for a solid 6 hours, which was 4 hours more than what she usually got. She felt pretty great, despite her stomach still not settling. "I'm going to get more coffee, anyone else?" Natasha asked.

"Absolutely not." Rory groaned over both Steve and James' calls for yes. Steve gave a laugh.

"Since when do you not like coffee?"

"Since it smells like garbage and I want to vomit." Rory replied, breathing in his smell once more before sitting up. She ran a hand through her hair and pulled it into some semblance of a neat pony tail. "Grandma must have changed the roast."

"Tastes like normal coffee to me." James shrugged said from the floor, reaching over his head to squeeze her ankle.

"Then why does it smell like garbage?"

"Maybe you're not actually smelling the coffee."

"Oh yeah, maybe I'm smelling you." She said airily, causing Steve to laugh and James to tickle her foot. She squealed and pulled it out of his reach, curling back into Steve and the cushions.

"I showered last night, thank you very much." He sniffed indignantly. Rory opened her mouth to reply when Natasha came back with three mugs full of the steaming liquid. Steve sat up, reaching for his and as it passed Rory's face she sniffed again.

"That is awful." She gagged, slapping a hand over her mouth and standing. Steve grabbed her hand but she pulled it away. "I'm fine. Finish your coffee… I'm gonna go get water or something." She said to his curious expression before high tailing it into the front room.

Her grandmother looked up in alarm from where she sat in the sun streaming in from the outside.

"Are you alright?" Peggy asked, her brow furrowed in concern.

"That coffee is awful."

Peggy looked at her teacup on the side.

"Have some tea then." She pushed the cup toward her with her free hand. Rory sat by her feet and took the cup, sniffing tentatively before taking a sip.

The milky and hot drink soothed her and she took another mouthful.

"Are you feeling alright, Aurora?" Peg asked gently, reaching to feel her granddaughters forehead.

"I feel fine, it's just the smell of that coffee… I don't know what's wrong with you all that you can't smell it."

"Maybe you're coming down with something…" Peggy said absently. "Better hope you shake it. Steve will be so disappointed if you get ill while he's here."

"How long have you known he was coming early?" Rory asked, leaning into her grandmothers touch.

"A little while. He called and asked if it would be ok to come early to surprise you." Peggy smiled warmly. "He's still quite smitten over you."

"Yeah, I know." Rory nodded. "I am over him too… smitten I mean. Not over him. I don't think I've ever been over him."

Peggy glanced toward the door and lowered her voice.

"He asked if I thought you'd be receptive to him taking you out while he was here."

"Oh a date?" Rory asked, her stomach once again flipping for a different reason entirely.

"Yeah. Something small, nothing fancy. Perhaps even with Natasha and James chaperoning…" Peggy nodded.

"What did you say?"

"I said I wasn't sure. I know you have a lot on your mind and a lot of work ahead of you in terms of recovery… and he's based in New York, while you're here in Boston which isn't too much of a distance but it's certainly not ideal." Peggy dropped her hand to Rory's on her knee and gripped it. "I didn't get a chance to ask you before they got here."

Rory frowned and turn to the doorway. She could see the back of Steve's head on the couch. Faintly she could hear the TV, cartoons if she listened hard enough; but she knew he was listening to every word Peg was saying to her.

She turned back to her grandma.

"Well maybe I'll just ask him myself." She said with a smile. There was a clatter and a shout from the den and she looked back to see Steve and James both standing, coffee stains down their fronts. James was swearing loudly and shaking coffee off his arms. Rory burst out laughing when she realised Steve had dropped his coffee over them both.

"What's going on in there?" Peggy asked, fondness in her tone.

"Steve dropped his coffee over James." Rory said. "That's what he gets for eavesdropping." She smiled when he looked at her and he shrugged.

"Just making sure you're alright." He called and she nodded.

"Uhhuh, sure you are." She said. She chewed on her nail as a wave of nerves washed over her. "So when are you going to pick me up?" She asked.

Steve grinned.

"Around Seven?"

"Sounds good." She smiled.

James looked between the two.

"Thank Christ for that. I took the bike because he wouldn't shut up about asking you on a date."

Epilogue 2/4

I'm gonna miss writing these guys. Thank you all so much. From the bottom of my heart I don't think anyone really knows how much you all mean to me.