Into the Abyss

by powerofthebabe

She feels dirty. She feels exhausted. She aches all over. She feels distinctively unlike herself. Because he's taken something. She doesn't know what. But she's numb and she's broken and she doesn't know if there's any coming back from this. Because if there's a heaven, there's a hell and she's surely in it. A/U Peyton/Lucas WARNING- dark subject matter, M for a reason

31. Chapter 31

'That's beautiful' She startles. Her pencil suddenly trailing off the page aimlessly. 'Sorry, sorry' He cringes. Hadn't meant to make her jump.

She smiles. Shakes her head. 'It's ok. How long have you been standing there?'

'Not long. I like watching you draw'

'Mm' She's gotten that in recent weeks. Keeps finding him staring at her. 'I'm not so much a fan of the watching Lucas Scott'

He laughs. Drops down to the blanket to sit beside her. 'Why?'

'I dunno. Self conscious'

'Why?'

'Cause I'm not done and it's...' She turns her nose up as she regards the drawing. 'Shit. I'm really not good at this anymore'

He snorts. 'Peyton that looks just like Lily! You want to see shit? Give me a bit of paper and a pencil and I'll try do the same thing' He holds his hand out and she hesitates before issuing him with the requested items. Bites her lip as she watches him try his very hardest to draw his sister. His eyes flit to her version every few seconds. His head shaking in exasperation. '...You can laugh' He eventually murmurs as he glances at her with amusement because he knows she's been trying her hardest to keep a straight face as he's poorly tried to recreate what he deems to be her masterpiece.

'It's good! You've only just got started'

'Oh look at you trying to make me feel good about my artistic inabilities. She looks like an alien'

'I like it' She throws her hands down on the bit of paper as she anticipates him screwing it into a ball. 'I want it'

'You can have it. Just say yours is good out loud' She pouts. 'Three little words. Mine. Is. Good'

She sighs. 'Fine. Mine is good'

'Your reward my lady. Make sure you guard it well it'll be worth a fortune when I'm a famous artist' He jokes as he bestows her with his drawing. 'I like watching you draw because you look relaxed'

'I do?'

'Mm. And sometimes you stick your tongue out and it's super cute' He adds, his smile teasing.

'Real attractive' She rolls onto her back then and looks up at the sky.

'Aren't you cold? It's kinda getting chilly out here'

'Mm. I like it outside'

'I know' It's not lost on him why she's developed a desire to be outside far more than she'd once been inclined to. He watches her. 'I'm a little worried you're gonna still insist on laying out here even if it starts pouring'

She smiles. 'Maybe. I like the rain'

'I'll have to get you one of those see through igloo things to protect you from the elements'

She laughs. 'You joke but that sounds like the best thing ever'

'Of course it does' He chuckles.

'...Luke?'

'Uhuh?'

'Do you still have your book?'

'...hm?'

'The one you were writing before everything'

'...oh...mm somewhere'

'Did you ever finish it? You were nearly done right?'

'...wasn't really on the agenda' He murmurs.

'No I suppose not...you could've finished it since though'

'I don't know that I can really. That seems a lifetime ago and I don't really know how I'd finish it when it was about my life, our life back then'

She shifts onto her side. Opens and closes her mouth. '...could I read it?' He lays down. Mirrors her. 'You don't want me to' She decides.

'Sure you can I just...' He shrugs. 'Do you think that's a good idea?'

'It's kinda biographical right?'

'Yeah'

'So it's not like it's gonna be a surprise is it? I was there. I lived it in the real'

'Mmm' He ponders.

'You'd said I could read it the week before prom'

'Yes it's just you, you've struggled with this feeling that there's two you's. Pre abduction and post. There's not two versions to me. I never think back to those times as though you're someone different. I guess I'm just, I'm worried that maybe you might, you might read it and get caught up in those feelings. In wanting to be...' He sighs. 'I don't know what I'm saying'

'I do. I get it. I'm not saying I won't get upset. That's definitely on the cards' She smiles. 'But it's part of my life and you're right. It's me. Me then is part of me now. Me then would've been drawing. Albeit she probably would've been holed up in her bedroom listening to blaring music'

'You still like the blaring music'

'Yeah' She laughs and prods him with her foot. '...I want to read it because you wrote it. It's your words. Your art. Yours. You say you like watching me draw well this is no different'

He reaches out. Pushes her hair back from her face. '...I've not reread it myself. I doubt it's any good'

'Well why don't you let me be the judge of that...'

He smiles. '...ok'

'Yeah?' Her eyes light up.

'Mhmm. Don't get too excited. I actually dread to think what it's like. I'd like to think I've gotten a bit better at writing over the last year or so'

'You were already more than good Luke. I know for a fact you still think anything I drew back at school was good. Time hasn't changed that huh?'

'Your art matters. It's what got me here' He recites with a wink.

'Oh god' She shakes her head and laughs as she rolls onto her back again.

He smiles. 'Why're you rolling your eyes?! You totally swooned when I said that to you first time round!'

'Of course I bloody did. Who wouldn't even if it's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard'

'It's not ridiculous! It was totally true Peyton Sawyer' he exclaims in outrage.

'Yeah, yeah'

'Yeah, yeah' He tickles her sides then. She giggles and shrieks out his name. 'It's still true!'

'Ok, ok!' She yelps, hands clutching his. 'Enough I believe you'

His fingers still. 'Good' Hums. He's looming over her now, nose gently nuzzling hers.

She swallows as his eyes skitter to her mouth. Tilts his face '...Do you think you want to write another book?' He blinks. Laughs because her blurted question just put a stop to what he'd been intending to do. 'Sorry'

'No. Don't be'

She smiles back. 'I just wanna know all the things'

'I know. But I don't really know all the things' He admits. 'I've just been concentrating on college assignments and stuff and haven't really considered past that. I know that's probably lame isn't it?' He lays back on the blanket. She follows his movement and slouches herself against his chest.

'No. I get the one day at a time thing'

'Mmm...' He starts to fiddle with her hair. '...maybe journalism or something...just something that can be more meaningful'

'Your writing can be meaningful whatever'

'Yeah. I know. I don't know' His eyes skitter to her lips again. She laughs. He smiles as his stare flits back to her eyes. 'What?'

'Did you want something else right now Lucas Scott?

He looks sheepish. 'Sorry. Subtle aren't I?'

'Cute' She corrects.

'Cute?'

'Uhuh' She smiles.

'You're so, so beautiful' She looks shy then. Shifts herself a bit so she can lean over him.

'I feel it when you're looking at me'

'Yeah? That's good cause it's so, so true-' She cuts him off as she connects their mouthes and puts him out of his misery because kissing him isn't so bad at all. In fact in recent weeks it's become her most favourite activity. In so many ways she feels inadequate but this, this is something she can happily give him so she'll give it to him as much as he wants.

LPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLP

She can feel him pressing into her.

This isn't the first time she's awoken with him spooning her like this with his arousal probing at her lower back. The first time she'd been catapulted back to her time in captivity. Had felt suffocated. Had anticipated hands going beneath her pyjamas. Had anticipated being pinned down. But none of that had come. He'd been asleep. And when she'd shifted onto her back he'd startled awake and hastily given her more space with mumbled apology after apology.

His cheeks had reddened. She'd shyly averted her eyes. Told him it was ok. He'd not been convinced it was ok though because she'd gone about hastily disappearing to get dressed and was babbling suggestions of things they could do. He'd taken her hands. Stroked her cheek. Told her he was sorry again and her eyes had glazed over as she'd told him he had absolutely nothing to be sorry for.

She wasn't catapulted back to the man that torments her in her dreams this morning though. He's slept over so many times at this point that she knows exactly who's behind her. She wonders if he's dreaming about her. Finds herself hoping he is. She wonders what dream her is doing. She hopes dream her is fulfilling his needs better than real her.

She moves ever so slowly. Doesn't want him to wake as she turns over. Doesn't want the sorries he'll surely issue her with. Doesn't want his eyes to fill with guilt because it's unwarranted and only triggers her own guilt. Who's she kidding? Her own guilt is hanging over her day in day out. She exhales heavily and forces herself to concentrate on other things because it's vital in preventing her from falling into that dark hole. Shower. Make breakfast. Plan the day.

LPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLP

'Whatcha making?'

She smiles as he links his hands around her waist. Latches his chin over her shoulder peering into the pan to investigate.

'Pancakes but don't get excited I think it's not making more like massacring' He smirks because she's not altogether wrong. 'You're so much better at this than me'

'Mum had me trained from five' He murmurs. 'I'm sure they'll taste good' He turns his head into her neck. 'You smell good' He husks. She swallows as his lips press against the sensitive skin there. Blinks as he begins to pepper her neck with kisses.

'Do you want me to burn them too?' She chastises.

He smiles. Peers up into her face then to find her desperately trying to concentrate. 'I think they're done' He blindly turns off the hob. 'You're so cute right now' He drawls. 'You've got flour here' She tilts her face to him as he brushes his knuckles against her cheek. 'And here' he laughs as he surveys the dusting on her nose too. Leans in and nuzzles their noses together.

'I don't think I like cooking'

'I know' He laughs. 'You don't have to do it. I'd gladly cook for you everyday'

'My own personal chef?'

'Uhuh'

'Mm. That does sound ideal'

'Uhuh'

He kisses her then.

His hand grips her a little tighter to him than she's become accustomed. Fingers daringly make their way up her side. A thumb brushes the underside of her left breast. He makes a noise in the back of his throat. She feels like she's on fire. But with desire comes fear.

Pulls back suddenly. 'Ok you' She mumbles into his mouth and lightly hits him with the spatula still in her hand. 'Enough'

He laughs. 'Sorry' Backs up. 'Kissing you is better than food' She smiles but he doesn't miss the unease dancing in her eyes. 'Too much?' He's suddenly worried.

Her stare skitter up to him. Pauses. '...No'

'You hesitated-'

'It's not too much. I'm just sorry that it's not...' She trails off.

'Not?' His brow furrows.

'Nothing'

'No. Finish what you were going to say. You're sorry that it's not?'

She hesitates '...Enough for you'

'Enough' He echoes. 'Peyton' He twists her away from the pan of questionable pancakes she's prodding. 'Hey. Look at me' Her eyes slowly shift to his face. 'It's enough' He assertively announces. 'Ok?'

She forces a smile. 'Ok'

'Don't say ok when you don't mean it'

Her tight smile relaxes a little. '...No magic tricks mr mind reader'

'It's not a trick. You're a terrible liar'

'I am? I think there was a point where you thought I was a serial liar'

'Before you were admitted maybe' He squints at her. 'But you'd built a wall so high around you at that point. I couldn't see over it'

'You can now?'

'That wall is here' He puts the side of his hand against his waist. 'I can deal with this wall. It's easy to peer over' She laughs. He smiles. 'Seriously though, if me kissing you or touching you like that has you getting anxious I need to know'

'It doesn't. I like it. I promise I do. I just wish I wasn't...'

'Wasn't?'

'Weird'

'You're not weird'

'Kinda am'

'No. You're not. You give me everything just by breathing. You know that?'

'Oh my god you're so sappy sometimes'

He laughs at the way she rolls her eyes. 'Uhuh but I don't think that's new information. And just cause you think it's sappy doesn't mean I don't believe what I'm saying...For a long time I battled with the knowledge that you'd only be returning to us in a casket and then, then when we found you and got you back the possibility of that still weighed heavily on my shoulders because you wanted out of life so badly...everyday that you choose to be here is a day I cherish. So when I say you give me everything by breathing I mean it. Don't underplay your strength. I know that for a long time it's not been a simple task. I know you had to choose this and fight everything that you were battling in your head'

'...it is simple now Luke. I do want to be here. With you'

He smiles. 'And that's everything. That's enough'

'I'd like to give you...more' He smiles. Cups her cheeks. 'Don't look at me like that'

'Like what?'

'Like I'm a kitten or something'

'A kitten?' He laughs. 'I think I'm more of a dog guy'

'Puppy then. Whatever. Like I'm this vulnerable little thing'

'That's not what this look is. But you are adorably cute sometimes. Are you feeling pressure from me?'

'No'

'No? Cause if I think I've probably been more handsy lately-'

'The only pressure I feel is from myself'

'Well stop. I'll behave myself better-'

'No. I like what we're, how we're...I just, I don't want to force myself to try and-'

'I don't want you to force yourself to anything either. That's the last thing I could ever want'

'I know...I just, I...' She rakes her hand through her hair. 'I'm so sorry for what I was like before' She blurts.

'What?'

'I mean before I was admitted. I did so many fucked up things-'

'It's ok-'

'I tried to make you have sex with me where he raped me Luke. What about that is ok? I asked you to beat me. And then god that night at Trek when I made out with that guy' She grimaces at the unpleasant recollection. 'When I think about every god forsaken thing I did I don't get how you're standing here right now'

'It wasn't you. You could do anything at all and I'd still be here'

'Why?!'

'Didn't you get the memo yet? I. Love. You' He smiles.

She looks up into his face. Her eyes glassy. '...I love you too. Have I told you that?' He smiles at her expression because she looks somewhat confused and also panicked all at once. 'I've not' She realises. 'Fuck. I'm sorry. I do love you. I love you'

He laughs. 'I know silly girl'

'Do you?'

'Of course I do...I know those words have been wrapped up in...' He shakes his head. 'I know they're hard for you to say after everything, because of everything...to be honest when you said it after we got you back it sometimes felt like you were saying it to...I dunno guilt me into something'

She purses her lips together. '...I guess I was a lot of the time...I don't think it was as calculated as that though'

'No, no I know it wasn't calculated. I knew you loved me I just felt like you resented it sometimes'

She nods. Nostrils flare. '...I don't resent loving you...I think I, I was frustrated that I couldn't just come home and have everything magically go back to how it was...I'd got so use to saying that and, and not meaning it and I guess it, it sort of summoned those feelings of anger and being trapped...'

'By me?'

'No Luke. Not by you' She sighs. '...Saying that to him, I don't know, of course I didn't believe what I was saying but I was with him a long time and...I guess without really realising it I became desensitised to the real meaning because it, it was just a tool to getting what I wanted or, or calming him down'

'I don't need you to say it. I don't want you to if it makes you think of him'

'It doesn't' She shakes her head and takes his hand. 'That was pre hospitalised me. I don't think I think of him when I think of those words because I never loved him and he's not in my head anymore. I mean seemingly there's still something going on subconsciously up here cause why haven't I told you that already? But I love you, I really do'

He smiles. 'Well it's nice to hear. But you don't have to say it out loud. I know. Your eyes say a whole lot to me without words'

'I want to say it. I will say it more. I'm sorry. I love you'

He laughs. Puts his finger over her lips. 'Woah 4 times in thirty seconds'

'Too much?' She mumbles into his fingers.

He smiles. 'Never too much but maybe not the most natural declaration'

'Right. Right. Sorry. God you were stuck with someone all over you trying to make you do everything under the sun and now you're dealing with someone that can barely say three little words'

'Peyton stop' He chuckles again. 'You're perfect'

She blinks. 'I'm just...worried' She shrugs and abruptly turns away to go in search of plates for the unappealing pancakes.

'Worried' He echoes.

'...you're like the most patient person ever Luke and I just feel like I'm, I'm being...childish or something...'

'That's the last thing you're being'

'...I know you want me and you've been with me all the time lately. Not that that's a problem. I like it. I like it a whole lot but it just means I know that you're not...'

'What?'

'Seeing other people'

'Peyton' He reprimands. Resists rolling his eyes. Grips her hands. 'I have every faith you're going to want me like I want you. Ok? You just need more time. But if I'm wrong and you don't then I can live. Like I've already told you, it's ok. We never have to-'

'I don't want you to make do'

'And for the hundredth time, the last thing I'm doing is making do. I love you'

'I love you'

He smiles. 'That's all that matters'

'You're laughing at me' She complains.

'Sorry' He takes the plates she's got in her hand to plate up the pancakes for her. 'You just kinda sound a bit like a robot. I. Love. You' He imitates with a robot arm.

She laughs. 'Maybe I should go back to not saying it'

'Say it. Don't say it. Whatever feels best. I know you love me. And I also think we're gonna need a lot, a lot of syrup to fix these guys'

She turns her nose up as she looks at her creation. 'Or you could make us new ones?'

He smiles. 'Or I could make us new ones'

LPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLP

'Jamie!' Haley scorns. The little boy frowns toward his mother. 'Say sorry to poor Uncle Luke!' She exclaims.

'Hales it's ok' Lucas laughs it off.

'No it's not. We don't hit people James Lucas Scott' Haley berates.

'Go way' He compromises and uses his words instead to dismiss his Uncle.

Haley presses her lips together to stop herself from laughing because whilst she's trying to teach her son right from wrong it's also a little entertaining how jealous he seemingly is of his Uncle's closeness to his Aunt Peyton.

Lucas can't help but laugh again. 'Sure buddy'

'No' Haley rolls her eyes at her seemingly inept best friend. 'Don't tell him sure. Telling people to go away isn't kind Jamie. Poor Uncle Luke will be sad. Aunt Peyton is Uncle Luke's girlfriend'

The disgruntled little boy looks outraged. 'No! Mine!'

Peyton laughs and lifts him fully onto her lap. 'Come here you! You can sit with us too' He snuggles into her but reaches out and pushes at Lucas' arm again.

Lucas shifts away from them both, bemusement still dancing in his eyes. 'Woah mister, I get it'

'Jamie stop it' Haley exclaims in exasperation. 'Say sorry to Uncle Luke'

'Sorry' He grumbles.

'It's alright' Lucas shrugs. 'I get it. Aunt Peyton is the best person in the whole wide world huh?' Jamie looks at his Uncle suspiciously.

'Luke is living back here in Tree Hill again so we get to see him lots more. We're lucky huh?' Peyton sings. Lucas smiles. Adores watching her with his nephew. Albeit his jealousy is enough to rival the toddler's because the two year old is burrowed into her chest and god he'd like to be there.

Jamie doesn't look terribly enthusiastic about Peyton's declaration. She finds Lucas's gaze.

'Think I'll go find Nate and let this one cool off' He laughs.

'No don't let him control you Luke!' Haley disagrees. 'He's two'

'Yeah and I kinda don't wanna be the enemy. I'll go find something fun that'll get him back in my good books' He decides as he stands to go find his brother.

As soon as he's left the room Jamie's mood seems to lift and he's eagerly tugging Peyton down onto the floor to get her to line up his cars with him.

'I think it's partly that he's not seen him in a while. I mean mainly that you're one of his favourite people but it can't help that he's not been able to spend quality time with him in the way you have lately' Haley reflects.

'By the time we leave I'm sure they'll be best buddies and I'll not be wanted anymore' Peyton laughs.

'This kid is never not gonna be besotted with you. He really is just like his uncle' Peyton smiles bashfully at that. '..how are you?'

'Uhuh. Good' She balances a book against the table to help make a ramp for the cars. Jamie busily goes about pushing them down it with a wide grin. 'Wow that one was super fast Jimmy Jam'

'Super faaast' He chants.

'Everything with you and Luke is...' Haley trails off as she struggles to find the right word.

'Normal?' Peyton supplies with a smile. 'Nothing you say can offend me Hales'

'I dunno. I think I've put my foot in it a lot with you'

'Not really. Maybe unintentionally before I was admitted. But that's not your fault. No one could say anything right to me at that point. I know how much you care about me. I know nothing you ever say to me could ever be meant with the intention of upsetting me'

'Never Peyton'

'Well then. Don't be afraid to say stuff'

Haley smiles. 'Ok. So you guys feel normal?'

'Well no' Peyton laughs. 'It's not what I'd define as normal but I'm not sure normal is a thing within reach for me. There's a new kind of normal' She shakes her head as she pushes a car down the book ramp. It speeds off and Jamie gleefully runs to get it. She smiles at the young mother. 'It's good. I'm happy. We're just taking things a day at a time'

'...you seem like you're doing so well' Haley becomes teary.

'Thanks Hales...I am. It's just a work in progress. I can still be a bit of a mess. Anyway, enough about me. Are you gonna spill the beans on this one's little brother or sister?' Haley's brow shoots up in surprise. 'I've had my suspicions for a while. You weren't drinking at B's store opening and there's been other things too'

'Like me crying every five seconds?'

'Well I wasn't gonna lead with that' Haley laughs. Peyton grins. 'So I'm right?'

'Yes'

'Congratulations Hales'

'Thank you'

'He's gonna love it' She nods towards the busy toddler.

'Mmm. It wasn't exactly our plan to have another one yet but well, it's not like it wasn't a happy surprise nor was it a complete shock. We always knew it was on the cards. It's not like we've been great at taking precautions. That makes us sound real irresponsible huh? But we'd already talked about how we'd have at least one more. You know what it's like when you just don't want to...' She trails off. 'Sorry' Peyton kinks her brow. 'That was insensitive'

Peyton shakes her head in answer despite the uneasy feeling in her chest because she's thinking about the fact that she doesn't know how it can be to so desperately want someone, to love someone so much that if a child happens to be the result of that hankering need it'll only be a happy gift. She knows what it feels like to have that choice taken away. Knows what it's like to not have a say.

'Does Luke talk to you about me?' She wonders as Jamie hands her another car to speed down their hill.

'No! No not at all! Have I put my foot in it?'

'No' Peyton shakes her head and smiles back at the watching brunette. 'Hales chill. I'm all for him talking to you if he needs to'

'Well he doesn't. He's not confided in us about much since you...sometimes I feel like he's still mad at us'

'He's not' Peyton is quick to disagree.

'He's said that?'

'Well, no. But I just know. Of course he's not. Hales it was forever ago now and it's not a big deal ok? He loves you all. Just like I do. You don't need to tip toe around me. I know I've given you reason to feel like you need to but I promise I'm not going to bite your head off or storm out'

'Ok. I just, I don't want to upset you'

'You talking about bringing another kid into the world isn't upsetting'

'No' Haley smiles. 'No it's not'

'Right. Well quit the worrying and tell me everything. When're you due? Do you have names picked out already? I want to hear it all'

LPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLP

'I thought he was gonna be your bodyguard all afternoon' They're laying on the sofa. The tv is on but neither of them are really focused on the show in the background.

'He just needed a minute. Best friends by the time we left weren't you?'

'Yeah. Although I didn't enjoy being banned from touching you. He is cute though huh?'

'The cutest. Well apart from Lil'

'You're so good with them'

She smiles. 'Am I?'

'Yes'

She's playing with his fingers. 'They're having another'

'Huh?'

She twists her head to fully face him then. 'Hales and Nate. A baby'

His brow raises. 'Oh?'

'Uhuh. They're waiting till 12 weeks to tell people'

'Apart from you it seems?'

'I was a detective'

'Of course you were. Wow. Two under three. They're gonna have their hands full huh?'

'Don't think it was exactly planned'

'Oh?'

'No. Well she kind of ended that bit of the conversation because that's not Peyton Sawyer appropriate'

'What isn't?'

'Sex'

He frowns. 'Did she upset you?'

'No. I mean she sort of does my head in sometimes' She admits with a small smile. 'In that she seems to be concerned about every word that escapes her mouth when she's in a room with me but I know it's my own doing that she's like that isn't it?'

'Not your fault. So she did put her foot in it then' He assumes.

'No' She shakes her head. 'She really didn't. I just, I, well I don't need people highlighting it 24/7 you know?'

'I know'

'And sure if she'd have kept talking about whatever she was saying I would have probably felt a pang of sadness or jealously because she's got this normal relationship but I feel that more when she's apologising for saying shit that she needn't. I'd never wish her happiness away would I? I'd never want them not to be happy'

'I know. Peyton you don't need to feel sad or jealous of those two'

'Don't I? You don't wish you had that kind of normal relationship?'

'Hell no. Two kids under three and they're barely twenty? No thank you'

'You want children Lucas Scott. You made that more than apparent to me in the past'

He shrugs. 'Never did I want that early and it's not a requirement'

Her eyes narrow. 'Don't talk shit'

'I'm not!'

'Course you're not. You're just saying what you think I need to hear'

'No I'm not. I'm saying the truth. Because the truth is I've reconsidered a lot of things and if that is something we do I don't want it until a lot further down the road. I want you to myself and we don't need to...' He frowns as he tries to find the right words. '...there's so many ways we can have a kid. We could adopt. Anyway if it's something you don't want in any way anymore then I'd be fine with that too' She rolls her eyes and slouches against him with a huff. 'What?' He laughs.

'You're just annoying'

'Why?'

'Because I know what you want Lucas Scott'

'And what's that?'

'You want Haley and Nate's life. Maybe you're ok with not having it yet but you do want that. You want the white picket fence and the babies. And the wife'

'You. I want you. All that other stuff is just details.'

'But if I could give you all of that you'd want it'

'If it's what you wanted. I'm only interested in it if it's with you' She sighs. 'Don't be grumpy about it' He laughs at her unconventional reaction.

'Not funny'

'Kinda. You once swooned when I told you I wanted you to be the mother of my children'

'Well I was a hundred percent certain I could be that for you then and there's no one else I'd ever want as the father of my hypothetical kids'

'That's not the case anymore?'

'No. I mean yes. Of course. I'm just not...I don't know that I, what I, I don't know what I want' She settles on.

'And that's ok. What happened to one day at a time missy?' He teases.

'Right. Sorry'

He kisses her head. 'I know it's easy to compare ourselves to other people but try not to'

'...I know. It is hard not to sometimes. Or not to feel frustrated because any plan I had hasn't panned out'

'I know but we can make new plans and they might be even more exciting hey?'

She tilts her head and smiles at him. 'I kinda love you'

'I kinda love you back' He drops a sweet kiss on her lips then.

'Are you still mad at them?' She asks after a beat.

'Huh?'

'Nate and Hales'

'Oh. No. No of course not'

'She thinks you are'

'Oh?' He sighs. 'I guess sometimes I am' He admits. 'It's fleeting though. I get it. It just hurts I guess cause I feel like I needed them and they weren't there'

'I know. But they love you Luke. So much'

'I know. And they love you so much. I know they regret not doing more for you'

'There wasn't really anymore they coulda done'

'Well I disagree'

She smiles. 'Ok. Let me reword that for you. Nothing anyone else did or could've done would've changed how you felt'

'That's debatable'

'Ok. Imagine harm coming to Jamie because that's what them trying to be more involved could've resulted in. I know you'd never wish that on that little guy'

'Of course not Peyton that's...I get it. I get it and they did the right thing but I just, I got mad at anyone for assuming you dead. For giving up on you'

'I know' She bobs her head. 'But you didn't give up. Nor did B. That's all that matters. I'm not the only person in the world Luke. I don't matter more than anyone else'

'Well you matter more than anyone else to me...Can I ask you something?'

'Mmm. Always' He hesitates. 'Anything' She coaxes.

'...When you wrote to him, those letters. What was, why were...' He sighs and widens his eyes at her in exasperation at his inability to suddenly string a sentence together. She smiles. Doesn't need him to elaborate.

'I don't really know what I was thinking' She shrugs. 'You know I kept saying I felt like I was his?'

'Mmm'

'I guess in a way I was wanting him to see I wasn't and I also thought in showing him that I'd feel less like that myself' She frowns. 'I'm sure that's hard to understand and I know it must've been really difficult to get your head round at the time too'

'It...I have to admit I think on some level I thought you were wanting to get him out of prison'

She presses her lips together. Nods. 'I can see how that could be something you'd consider' Swallows. 'But it, it was never, never the case. I didn't have Stockholm syndrome Luke'

'No I know that'

'Do you? I can see how you could maybe think I had...odd feelings regarding him'

'I didn't understand your desire to read the letter from him let alone writing back'

'No. I know. In retrospect I don't either. I mean at the time it didn't seem a big deal to me...I think the thing is I, I didn't realise how much he was in my head you know? Anything I fucking did I' She shakes her head. 'I was subconsciously weighing up the ramifications of my actions. Thinking what he'd say. What he'd do to me' Lucas's nostrils flare. 'And I, I wanted it to stop' Her shoulders shrug.

'Do you still do that? Think about him and what he'd do anytime you do anything?'

'No, no. I mean I wouldn't say there haven't been any moments where something sparks something but for the most part no. I think that's why I got so caught up in you and me having sex and being "normal"' Her fingers make air quotations. 'With little regard to how you were feeling' She looks at him sheepishly. '...I know none of it makes sense'

'No it does, it does' He strokes her cheek. '...I think I understood more after I went to the trial' He nods. '...I got a better insight as to who you were dealing with day in day out'

She looks down. '...I wish you hadn't gone to that'

'I know. I'm sorry. I knew you wouldn't want me to but I just...' He scrapes his hand through his hair. 'I wanted to see him sentenced. It was important to me'

'I know. I get it. I mean at the time I was pissed at you' She smiles. 'I couldn't understand, but I do understand. I really do...You must've heard and seen all kinds of shit that I never wanted you to though' She sighs.

'...yeah. But it also felt...' He hesitates. 'Not therapeutic, that's so not the case. But I do think I came away understanding that I had a lot of anger and rage that I needed help dealing with. I think before that I'd been struggling to admit the full extent of how much I was, well' He shrugs 'Struggling'

She smiles sadly. '...I'm sorry Luke'

'No-'

'Yes' She cuts off. 'I don't want you thinking I don't care about how you felt, feel or that I don't know how hard everything was for you when I came home'

'Of course I know you care'

'Lord knows how' She shakes her head. 'I didn't give your feelings anytime of day. If anything I was angry about your concern for me and...' She shakes her head. 'That just seems so...it's weird. I mean that was me and I can look back and sympathise with how I was feeling because it, well it was what I was feeling but I'm at a point where a lot of the time I'm confused as to how I could have thought certain things or how I was so cold and horrible to you at times because it seems crazy and it's, it's not how I feel, not at all'

'I know, you were never cold'

'I know it would've been impossible to see that I, I was thinking about you at times but please know I, a big part of me trying to be normal and hiding things from you, it, it was about trying to protect you. About ironically not wanting to hurt you anymore than I felt like I already had' She sighs. 'I just wasn't in the right place to execute that in a successful way huh?' She smiles sadly.

'I knew that then and I know that now Peyton'

'It just kills me that I, I was incapable of helping you through it all, that I was so wrapped up in me and my feelings'

'You did help me by helping yourself get better'

'Mmm. It also kills me that you, you and Dad and Karen and B, you all sat through the trial and I...'

'Do you wish you could've gone?'

'No, I don't think it would've helped me in anyway, especially with how I was mentally at that point. I mean I lived through it once I didn't need to hear it all rehashed'

'No'

'And I so wasn't in a place where I could see him'

'No'

'...I do think about maybe seeing him sometimes' Lucas swallows. '...again probably seems weird. But just, I don't know. I don't like that the last time he saw me I was this weak, little thing that he had complete control over, that he thought he had ownership of'

'He didn't have control. You were defiant'

'It didn't feel like that. Not really. I think I want him to see that I'm not fucked up, well not as fucked up-'

'You're not fucked up'

'But also I think, maybe I think I need to tell him I forgive him'

Lucas's face crumples. Eyes close. 'No that...' He sighs. Eyes open. 'Sorry. That just...'

'Makes you angry?' She suggests.

'...mmm. I can't help it'

'I get it'

'He doesn't deserve your forgiveness'

'No. Probably not and he definitely doesn't have it on a lot of days. But I think if I can, it'll...' She shrugs. 'I just think it'll be good for me and it'll be like closing a door. Letting it go. All of it. Maybe...I don't know. I'm not talking about doing this anytime soon. It's just something I think about on and off, that maybe one day I'll feel like I can and will want to...but' She shakes her head. 'That's never, never something I'd do without you okaying it first. I don't want to do anything that would ever hurt you'

He smiles sadly. 'And I'd never, never tell you you can't do something Peyton' He shakes his head. 'Even if I don't like it' He smiles.

She interlinks their hands. Averts her eyes. '...Brooke told me how you broke down at the trial on one of the days'

He swallows. '...yeah'

'Was it over something in particular?'

'...not really. I, I mean I just hit a point where I couldn't hear or see anymore. They'd been showing items that had been found at the house. Rope. All this underwear' He shakes his head in disgust. 'And then they showed your prom dress' She purses her lips together. '...it was ripped and had blood on it' He whispers. She looks up into his face then. Edges closer and presses her forehead to his. 'I'll never, ever understand' He hoarsely murmurs. 'How he...'

'There's nothing to understand Luke'

'I'd spent all afternoon imagining you in that dress'

'You had?' She smiles.

'Of course I had. I knew we were going to...I mean I know we hadn't officially said that but we were weren't we?'

'Of course we were'

'Did he tie you up a lot?' He abruptly asks.

'No' She hums. 'The day he killed Derek he did' She swallows. 'I've probably told you that before' He nods. Grimaces at the thought of her restrained for any amount of time. 'I'd made a whole song and dance before he went and did that' Her eyes fill. He abruptly draws her into his chest.

'I'm so sorry I shouldn't have bought it up...' He rubs her back.

'You can talk about it with me. I know you probably have questions about things. I know I lied about a lot of stuff before' She mumbles. 'I feel like Derek could still be here if I'd done things differently'

'You can't think like that'

'I know...and god if it had been you Luke' She looks up into his face. 'I feel so grateful it wasn't you' She whispers. 'And that's awful isn't it? That's like saying I'm relieved it was my own brother and not you and that's not, that's not what I-'

'Shh. Don't try and analyse it. You can be grateful. It doesn't take away from how much you loved him. I've struggled with how he pushed me out the way too but I, I have to believe that he, he knew you needed me and I needed you, I won't let his death be in vain. He'd not want us to be blaming ourselves. I really do believe that'

'...yeah...what were you doing together that day?'

'Lily had just been born' She lays back. 'I'd missed it all'

'Why?'

'I, remember the girl that was wearing your jacket at the hospital?'

Her brow arches. 'Yeah?'

'I found her again. She mentioned she'd noticed his accent on certain words, was sure where he'd grown up. Your Dad went to Louisiana after...I should try and find her again to thank her. She unknowingly helped us a lot with finding out more about him'

'So you, you were talking to her when Lil was born?'

'Mmm. I obviously went straight there as soon as I realised and then Derek showed up there. I told him about Louisiana'

'That's what you were talking about when it...when it happened?'

Lucas sighs. '...I was having a moment'

'A moment'

'Mmm. I, I was telling him how I, I knew you were being hurt. He, he spent those last few moments telling me we'd be able to bring you back from it...he was right' A tear races down her cheek.

'It's not fair...I'd only just met him really'

'I know. He loved you so much already though. He was doing everything he possibly could to help bring you home. You know that?'

'...I just wish that hadn't got him k-killed'

'I know...I went to his funeral. I don't think I ever told you that'

'...Dad told me'

'Yeah? Did he tell you we met his Mum?' She shakes her head. 'She was so lovely. I'm sure she'd love to meet you when you're ready to visit him'

'...She wrote me'

'Yeah?'

'Mm. It was a really lovely letter. I don't get how she can't hate me'

'Of course she doesn't. You're a part of him Peyton. That's all she sees'

She smiles sadly. 'She emphasised that'

'Of course she did'

'She said she'd like to see me when I'm ready...I, when I do go will you come with me?'

'Like I'd be anywhere else'

LPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLP

'Has Peyton spoken to you' He wonders casually.

'Yes. We speak every day but you already know that' Brooke stops looking at the order form before her and regards him. He's inspecting a green dress that's hanging on the other side of the store. 'I designed that for her' She smiles because she's not the least bit surprised that out of everything in here the one thing that's caught his attention is what she's labelled the Peyton dress.

His eyes skitter away from the garment and his hands retract. '...it's pretty'

'Uhuh. And her legs are going to look awesome in it. She's wearing it to Hales and Nate's anniversary party at the end of next month' He swallows. She laughs.

'Don't laugh at me'

'It's impossible not to right now, your face is a picture' She rolls her eyes. 'Lock the door will you'

'It's only four'

'I know but I'm sensing you want to talk about something that isn't customer ear appropriate'

'It can wait' He shakes his head.

'It's dead anyway. It's fine' He hesitates but locks the store door and flips the open sign to closed. 'Well. Hit me with it'

He scrapes his hand through his hair and approaches the counter where she's still stood. 'Has...has Peyton spoke to you'

'Do you wanna clarify what about?'

'...us. I mean us like...how we...like if we...has she...you know?'

Brooke laughs. 'No. I don't cause you're rambling nonsense. Luke it's me. Spit it out'

'Sex. Has she talked to you about sex?'

Brooke's brow kinks. 'No. I mean she has said the odd thing or two but not recently' She answers. 'Are you two...?'

'No, no' Lucas shakes his head 'What odd thing or two?'

'She told me she didn't think she could have sex ever again' Brooke softly hums.

He nods. 'Right'

'But that was a good while ago and just cause she said it doesn't mean she still feels like that and even if she does it doesn't mean she's always going to feel that way'

'I know. She's said that to me a lot too, especially when we first got back together. It, it's just lately, like in the last couple of weeks she's seemed more...you know, into...she's just, she seems to be, she's been, she gets more...' He trails off. 'God this is ridiculous' He sighs.

'No it's not. Luke you can talk to me about anything. I think we've been through enough shit together for you to not feel embarrassed'

'Seemingly not' He sighs. 'I hate that I can't properly gauge what she's thinking. I mean when we're kissing she, she's really into it. I'd know if she weren't wouldn't I?'

Brooke smiles. 'Of course you would. That's great, no?'

'Yes, yes but I, I mean there's been times when I, I think I've gotten a bit..' He rubs the back of his neck. '...overexcited and she, she's been quick to run away the second she can feel...' He swallows. 'I mean I'd never, I've been abundantly clear that I'd never, ever try and take things further. She's in complete control'

'She knows that. She knows you. She's really not talked about any of this with me' He sighs in disappointment. Had hoped his friend would enlighten him. 'You should talk to her Luke'

'I mean I have, we have a bit but only when she's bought it up you know? And it's cause she's apologising because we're taking things so slow and she goes down this path of her saying she's not normal'

'She's good at that'

'Yes...I don't want her to feel like I want us to...'

'But you do want the two of you to right?'

'Of course I do. God I want her so much I can barely think straight' He expels.

She smiles. 'You should tell her that'

'You think?...No' He answers his own question. 'No I, I don't want her suddenly putting anymore pressure on herself to be with me. It has to come from her. I need to know it's what she wants'

'I agree but at the same time I think she's gonna need you to talk about it more. I don't think she'll make a move otherwise' Brooke softly counters. 'I mean you can word it in a way that isn't you saying you want the two of you to. You could just say that you wanted to talk about sex because you're getting the impression she might be wanting more and it's completely fine if you've misinterpreted that. You know?'

His head bobs. 'Yeah that, that sounds ok right?'

'I think so' Brooke smiles.

'You're good at this. Maybe I should just employ you to talk to her for me' He's joking. Sort of.

'Luke you're good at this' Brooke emphasises. 'She's your girl. You know her on a level that no one else does. You've just lost your confidence because of everything that's happened. But she's not like she was before she went into hospital. You don't need to second guess everything. She'll appreciate your honesty'

He squints. Laughs. 'I think if I'm completely honest with her she'll run for the hills'

Brooke smiles. 'It's been a hot second for you huh?'

He squints at her. Hesitates. 'Is that you asking me if I hooked up with anyone when I was living on campus?'

'No' Brooke shakes her head vigorously. 'I don't need to ask you that. I know you haven't'

'How do you know?'

'Because you're in love with her and I know you' He sighs. 'Are you telling me I'm wrong?'

'No. Of course you're not'

'So the last person you slept with was...?' He tilts his head as he regards her. 'Right. Me' She laughs awkwardly.

'I mean me and Peyton had done stuff just not. She wanted it to be special...you were the last person I...'

'A long time then'

'That feels like a whole lifetime ago right?' He hums.

'Uhuh. It really does'

'And weird cause I just, not to sound like a dick but we, we're so good as friends'

'Not a dick Luke. We're completely on the same page about that. It's annoying that we didn't come to that conclusion a hell of a lot quicker so you two could've had more time together. If I could go back god I'd give you both that in a heartbeat-'

'Brooke' He cuts in. 'I don't regret the time we spent together. It wasn't exactly bad was it?' He arches his brow.

'It wasn't bad' She assures him with a smile. 'I just, I know how much she wishes you'd slept together before' She shrugs.

He nods. 'Me too. But it wouldn't have been any easier. We still would've been here'

'Yeah' Brooke agrees. 'Talk to her? You'll feel better I promise'

'Yeah'

'Don't say yes when you have no intention Lucas Scott'

'I do! I do I just...' He looks sheepish. Shrugs. 'I just love her so much' He sighs. 'I dunno. I guess I, I think I find myself getting anxious that, that well she could end up back where she was if I say or do the wrong thing' He rubs the back of his neck. 'She's amazing. She's doing so bloody well. She's so different. She's come so far but she's not, she's not like completely ok. The dance we went to together a while ago' Brooke knowingly nods. 'She told you?'

'Yeah she did mention it'

'I mean I didn't think it was going to be a complete walk in the park but I guess I, it took me off guard. It shouldn't have but it did and I just...' He sighs.

'I know it's scary but she was honest no? She didn't try and deny it or hide it'

'No but I don't know that she might not have done that had I not gone after her'

'Well I do. She's realised the hiding shit doesn't work in anyone's favour. I know she has. Have you spoke to Jules?'

'Yeah, yeah I did feel better after we had a chat and I do, I do trust her I just, I guess there's always going to be this anxiety you know? Because I, we've been at this place with her before where I feel like I couldn't trust a word that came out of her mouth and I, I don't feel like that now but I just guess the worry is would I know if she did suddenly fall back into that? I was completely blind to the fact she was cutting herself every five seconds Brooke. You weren't'

'Of course you'd know Luke. You'd know because you know the signs now. And it's not all just on you ok? I'm here. I know the signs. Larry knows the signs. Your mum knows the signs. You don't need to feel this pressure like it's all on you. It's not ok? Without sounding ridiculously sappy, we're all a team and we're here to catch her and you'

He abruptly hugs her then. She startles but is soon hugging him back. 'Thanks Brooke. You know I love you right?'

'You better Lucas Scott'

LPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLP

It's a Friday morning when she walks into her bedroom and catches him in an act that has them both freezing.

'Fuck. Sorry, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry' He'd thought he had a lot more time before she reappeared. He watches her eyes trail to the prepared tissues atop of her covers before finding the hand that's curled around her underwear. He quickly releases the emerald green undergarments and goes about fumbling to pull his pyjama pants up.

'Don't' Her word has his eyes darting back to her, his confusion apparent. 'Don't' She repeats softly. Her head is spinning. So many haphazard thoughts are whirling around but the main is that in which she's trying to vocalise to him but she's not being the most articulate '...you should...' Her sentences aren't forming right not that he can comprehend anything she's saying anyway because there's a knot in his chest. Not the good kind. It's fear. It's shame. It's all of the above. 'Have you been through my underwear?' She abruptly asks. Clearly he has because she knows exactly what pair of underwear he's seemingly found interest in.

'I'm so sorry' He didn't think this could get worse but her question seems to have him falling further into a pit of despair. 'I just, you, you were wearing these that day at the River Court and I kept getting a glimpse of them when you were running around after Lily. Remember?' He babbles and then he's grimacing because he's sure he sounds like a creep and this is the last thing she needs. She wasn't meant to see this. 'I'm so sorry Peyton-'

'You don't need to be sorry' She's approaching the bed and he's confused. He's suddenly aware that he's still exposed, his hands frozen on the waistband of his pants. He swallows and goes about tugging them up again. 'Don't' She repeats her earlier word as he gets the fabric over his arousal 'You should finish'

'...what?' He's confused. Blinks. 'Yeah I'll, I'll go shower and-'

'No' he jumps when her hand finds his shoulder to stop him from getting up. Her fingers retract as he looks up at her '...can, would it be ok if you, you did it here and I...stayed?' He licks his lips. '...is that weird?' She wonders. Her hair is still damp and his eyes are fixated on the dark little patches that mark her shirt just where her hair ends. 'It's weird isn't it?'

'No I...' He swallows. 'I just...' Eyes find hers nervously. '...you're, you're ok?'

She nods. 'You don't appear to be though. If I'm making you uncomfortable-'

'No I just, I was worried. I didn't mean for you to see-'

'I know you didn't. I can go if you'd rather I didn't stay-'

'You can stay. I mean only if you, you're sure?'

She purses her lips together and then she's sitting down on the edge of the mattress. He watches her. Her hands are in her lap, her eyes suddenly fixated on them. He thinks she's right; this is weird. He shifts back, she's sitting where his legs had been just moments ago and he's not sure how to situate himself.

She feels him move, her head tilting. 'Sorry am I, I'm in the way aren't I?' She jumps up.

'You're not I just...' He shifts his legs back up onto the bed and then shuffles over further into the middle of the bed to make space for her.

She wordlessly sits back down in the space he's created.

'...Peyton?'

'Yeah?' her nervous eyes meet his.

'Are...are you ok?'

She nods. 'Are you?'

'...yes. Well a little embarrassed'

She shakes her head. 'Why?'

'I just... I really didn't mean for you to walk in on...you're usually a lot longer in the shower-'

'I started thinking about waffles and then I thought we could go to your Mum's for breakfast and...' Her explanation of her earlier than anticipated appearance trails off.

'We can. We can do that'

'Yes...you were...when I woke up'

He swallows. Understands her disjointed words loud and clear. 'Right, I'm sorry. I can't control it''

'Why do you keep saying sorry? Please stop saying sorry'

'Sorry, sorry' He shakes his head, a small smile drawing on both of their lips at his apology for apologising. '...I just, I don't want to make you uncomfortable'

'You aren't. You haven't'

'...you definitely looked anxious a while back when I woke up...excited' He mutters.

She tilts her head to the side. '...I guess I sort of was then'

'But you're not now?'

She shrugs her shoulders. 'I'm use to you being here now. I know it's you'

'Right-'

'Were you dreaming of me?' He pauses because he's trying to determine what she wants the answer to her question to be. 'You weren't were you?' She covers her eyes with her hand.

'I most definitely was' He tugs her fingers down from her face. 'Sorry I just don't want to make you...I don't want to say the wrong thing'

'You're not. I'm the one that's making you uncomfortable' Her hand indicates to his straining pyjama pants. He smiles.

'So you don't mind me thinking about you?' Her cheeks redden as she slowly shakes her head.

'Was I at least giving you what you need in your dream?'

'Peyton you give me everything I need everyday just by breathing we've been over that'

'...if I were normal I would've turned over and woke you up by...' She sighs.

'You are normal'

'Really normal. I just awkwardly asked you to let me watch you give yourself a hand job and you said yes but you think I'm bloody crazy' He smiles. 'I should just let you...' She goes to get up.

'No' He grabs her arm before she flees. 'Really, please stay'

'I'm making you feel weird'

'You're really not' He shakes his head. 'I'm a little self conscious' He admits. 'I dunno why, it's nothing you've not already seen is it?'

'I've never watched you give yourself...'

'No' He smiles sheepishly. 'Maybe that's why'

'...I've never fingered myself' His eyebrow kinks at her blurted words. '...I mean I've tried before but it was never...' She shrugs 'I couldn't do it' He opens and closes his mouth. 'Is that weird?'

'No...I mean I think you could do it. Maybe you just need some practice' He smiles because her cheeks are becoming impossibly rosier.

'How did you know how?'

'To touch you?'

'Mm'

'How did you know how to touch me?'

'I don't think you want me to answer that'

'Why- oh. No' He cringes because he's suddenly connected the dots and realised his brother might be part of her answer and she's not wrong. He doesn't want to hear about that. 'I guess it's no different, I'd done it before hadn't I? I think I probably wasn't any good at it the first few times I did that with someone. With you everything was more...' He shrugs. 'I guess I'd obviously learnt a bit more about girls when we first got together but also just, I felt like I could read you better than anyone. You were never all that vocal but god I knew everything just by watching you...'

She licks her lips. Swallows. '...But it's always been easy for you to just...by yourself I mean...?'

He shrugs. 'I mean it doesn't compare to...' He trails off.

'To what?'

'Nothing'

'No, what?'

He sighs. 'Me saying this isn't me hinting that I want... I don't want, I'm not expecting you to do anything, you know that right?' She nods. He hesitates. '...it's different and easier when you're in a moment with someone isn't it? Me doing it to myself, it, it doesn't compare to when your hands are on me' She bites her lip. Looks down.

'...is that what you think of when you, when you do that? You imagine that it's me?'

'Yes or just imagining you in anyway works too' He vaguely answers, thinks better of going into detail.

'Do you imagine other girls too?'

'No. Always just you...' She frowns a little. 'What's with the face?'

'...I wouldn't be offended if you did think of-'

'But I don't Peyton'

'But I've, we've not been...'

'I love you'

Her head darts up. 'I love you' She echoes.

'Well, I'd rather have imaginary you over anyone else'

'...Why is my hand better than your own?'

'Look at them' He holds her dainty hand in his palm. 'So small and it's just, it's you' He stares at her fingers. She watches his face. Knows he's now recalling the times her fingers had once touched him. Had sought to comfort him. Sought to make him feel good. She's remembering how that had made her feel. Watching him fall apart under her touch had always made her giddy. Had been something she'd always been more than eager to give him. Is pretty sure there'd been a time when she'd have done anything at all he'd asked, just to see him look at her like he so often had when her hands touched him.

She swallows. '...Are you going to do it now?'

His eyes flutter back up to her face. He smiles. '...are you sure?'

She nods. '...if it's not...if me being here is putting you off then it's-'

'No' He reaches for her cheek. '...but...would...can, would it be ok if I maybe kiss you whilst I...?' He wonders.

She smiles. 'Yes'

'Come lay with me'

She inches onto the bed and lays down.

'...if you feel weird and, and want me to stop I will'

'Luke' She's horizontal now and nuzzles her nose against his. 'I'm ok. I promise...do you want me to put the underwear on?'

'Huh?' He swallows thickly as she looks up at him through her lashes shyly.

'You know. I could-'

'No' He blurts. 'No. I'm sorry I took those. It's creepy and weird and after everything you've-'

'It's not weird' She cuts in. 'And it's not like him. I know that's what you're thinking. If you weren't my boyfriend. Yes it would be weird. But you're allowed to fantasise about your girlfriend. Especially when she's holding out on you'

'You're not holding out' He strokes her cheek. 'Please don't, don't let walking in on me doing this make you feel pressure from me, or yourself'

'That's impossible cause I...' She swallows.

'What?'

'I want so badly to give you everything' She whispers.

'And like I've told you again and again. You do, you do' He nods, draws her mouth to his. Kisses her. They've become experts at this and god does he relish in it. Relishes in how he's been bestowed such a treat. Inevitably the more into the kissing she's been the more he's found it harder to ignore his desire for her. Perhaps that's why he'd been so careless this morning. Lust was quite literally turning his brain to mush.

And whilst her suggestion that she stay and watch had initially summoned a knot in his stomach he suddenly feels more at ease with her laying beside him. Is giddy at the thought of being able to find a release with her sweet lips on his.

She opens her mouth to him, tongue entwining with his. She's remembering laying with him like this. Remembering hovering over him. Letting her lips coast over his and then pulling back with a mischievous smirk. Remembering him squinting up at her as she tormentingly left another chaste kiss to his lips. Remembering giggling. Remembering his hand finding her ass and jerking her to him. Remembering him husking. 'Stop it'

She eases back. Smiles.

'What?' He smiles back.

'Remember' Kisses his top lip. 'When I'd...' Kisses his bottom lip. 'Kiss...' Kisses his chin. 'you like' Kiss. 'This'

'Mm' He grunts. 'Tease me you mean'

'Yeah' She giggles. 'You'd...' He braves letting his hand slide down to the base of her back. 'Tell me to'

'Stop' He finishes.

'Mm' She nods her nose against his. Continues with her tormenting kisses.

'Peyton' He gruffly murmurs after a moment.

'Tell me'

'Stop it' His delivery is far more quiet than the memory she recalls.

'Not very convincing' She gazes into his eyes. He hesitates but with her little coaxing nod lets his fingers coast lower. He presses her into his side. Hand cupping her left ass cheek. He wants to let it roam and squeeze but behaves himself.

'Stop it' He repeats a little more gruffly.

She smiles. 'Ok' Relents and reconnects their mouths. Reunites their tongues. He murmurs in relief. Delights at the way her body is flush against his side. Revels in the way her chest keeps brushing against him. How her hand is resting on his torso. How her hair keeps tickling his face. He blindly pushes it back behind her ear and she withdraws.

Bites her lip. 'God you're so beautiful' Shakes her head. 'Yes. You. Are'

'...are you going to now?'

He takes a shaky breath. Hesitates. '...Ok. You're sure you're sure?'

'I'm sure. I'm not forcing you am I?'

He smiles at the sudden uncertainty. 'No. Come back here' She tilts her head and gives him her mouth again.

The hand that's been on her cheek goes. Her ears strain to hear what he's doing. She's tempted to sneak a look. Especially when he makes a noise in the back of his throat a minute later. But she doesn't, concentrates on kissing him. On the rhythmical sound of what his hand is doing. She only eases back when his breathing becomes more laboured. Gazes into his eyes. It's his adoring stare that governs her. She doesn't even know she's doing it until he startles and breathes out her name.

'Peyton'

Her fingers have blindly covered his. His eyes are wide and almost panicked. 'I...I want to'

'You, you don't have to' He shakes his head. His hand's movements have ceased.

'I know I don't. It's ok. I, I want to' the rosy tint on her cheeks is nothing but adorable. 'If you want me to' She adds.

He licks his lips. 'I don't want you doing anything you're not ready to. I, I don't want you doing this cause of, of anything I've done or said. If you're feeling pressured by-'

'It's not cause of that. Let me. I promise I want to'

He swallows. His hand slowly retracts and settles back on the bed. His mouth gaping slightly as he watches her intently. He shudders as her fingers wrap around him. Her own gaze has shifted to her hand now. He's not sure she's ever watched her fingers movements so intently when she's done this to him before and it instantly makes him nervous.

'Will, will you look at me?' He requests. Her eyes flutter up to his face. 'You're sure you're ok?'

She nods. 'Are you?'

'Yes' His voice wavers. 'You really don't have to-'

'I know. I wouldn't if I didn't want to. I'd tell you'

'Oh god' Her hand. Her touch is reminiscent of what it was the first time she did this; unsure, slow.

'I was just thinking about the last time I did this. Do you remember?' She wonders.

'Of course I do, we...we'd been at a basket ball game. We'd won...I told you I was tired'

'And I told you you hadn't got your prize yet' She almost laughs because she'd never say something like that now.

He smiles. '...Yeah'

'I was so confident huh?'

'...I wouldn't describe it as confident...you, you just wanted to be close to me at every given opportunity and it, it suddenly wasn't...enough...was it?'

'No...I wanted your hands on me all the time...I still want to be close to you Luke'

'Oh god don't say shit like that right now'

'Sorry'

'No' He smiles. 'I'm joke...ing...' He takes a shaky breath. 'I just. Fuck Peyton' His fingers claw into the sheets beneath him.

She shuffles closer.

He can smell her shampoo. Her perfume. She grazes her nose against his cheek. Watches his mouth. Walks the fingertips of her free hand down the crease on his forehead. 'Is it ok?' She suddenly worries she's doing it all wrong. Worries that her hand is performing in the way she'd been coached to by Ian Banks.

'Yes. God yes. I love you'

She smiles because the way he's looking at her so adoringly makes her heart swell. 'I love you'

'Are, are you kay?' He disjointeldy asks.

'Uhuh. Stop wondering if I'm ok. I promise I am.'

'O..ok'

She kisses the side of his mouth. There are words dancing on the tip of her tongue. Words of adoration. Promises. Apologies. But she's too lost in his intense gaze and then he finds his release. It takes them both off guard. And for a moment she feels revulsion emcompass her at the substance that's suddenly on her hand. It's a reflex. She swallows. It's short lived because she concentrates on watching him. On how blissfully content he looks.

'Here' Despite his state of euphoria he's still wrapped up in her. He wipes her hand with one of his earlier prepared tissues.

She smiles at his attentiveness. '...'Was...was it ok? Did I do it like you remembered?'

His eyes skitter up to her face. 'Ok doesn't even begin to describe how good that was' He shoves the tissue onto the bedside table for a moment. Strokes her cheek. '...you're so, so amazing' She's quick to shake her head. 'Yes. You are...what're you thinking?'

'...just that I, I like your face when I'm doing...that, what we just, I just...'

He smiles. 'Oh? And what god awful face is that?'

'It's not awful. You, you look at me like I'm the only person in the world for a moment'

'...don't you know that you are my whole world?' He drags his thumb along her bottom lip. 'I mean of course our world is made up of our family and friends too but you're everything Peyton. Everything'

'...likewise' She smiles.

'...are you sure you're ok?'

'I don't seem ok?'

'No you do' His head bobs. 'I don't know why that's worrying me' He squints at her. She laughs.

'Cause it's not normal?' She suggests with a grin.

He rolls his eyes at that. 'I just feel like maybe you felt like you had to, I don't want you to ever feel like that and I'm worried I just let you do that and I shouldn't have, it should-'

'I didn't feel like I had to' She cuts in. 'Don't think that. Luke I've been honest with you about everything I feel. Why would I suddenly lie?'

'Right. Yeah. No. You wouldn't'

'I wouldn't' She confirms. 'And if you hadn't noticed I'm pretty good at running away in any situation where I feel uncomfortable'

He interlinks their hands. '...I think I already know the answer to this but do you want me to...?'

She looks down '...No I, I'm alright thank you...sorry'

'No, no don't be sorry. I didn't think you did I just wanted to check that I'm not being a dick for not-'

'Not a dick'

'Thank you'

Her brow kinks in amusement. 'You're welcome?' He laughs. She smiles. Kisses him. 'I'm starving'

'Yeah? I'll shower and then we can go get those waffles. How does that sound?'

'Kinda perfect'

'You're perfect' He cups her cheeks. 'I love you'

'I love you'

LPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLP

'You know you and Julian are having sex?'

Brooke stops folding the clothes in front of her and regards her best friend because her question feels like it's come from nowhere.

'...er yes, I was aware' She smiles.

'It's good sex right?'

Brooke bites the inside of her cheek and stops herself from laughing. 'If it wasn't good I wouldn't keep doing it honey'

'Right, right' Peyton nods. 'Do you do it a lot?' She rolls her eyes at herself then and bats her hand. 'Sorry. Don't answer that. That was weird'

Brooke smiles. 'There's no question that's off limits with us P. Doesn't matter how weird you think it might be kay?' She abandons her laundry and clambers onto the bed to lay beside Peyton. 'I mean we don't really have a timetable and I'm not exactly keeping count. It was pretty often to begin with. Then there were a few months where it wasn't as often as we would have both liked just cause he was studying all the time and I was setting up the store and we were just both so exhausted. Not that it wasn't still good or anything...' She trails off. 'I don't think you were really asking me this were you?' Her brow arches as she wonders if Lucas has braved the chat with her best friend. '...are you and Luke-'

'No' Peyton cuts in and shakes her head. 'No. No' She pushes her tongue to the roof of her mouth as Brooke takes her hand.

'What's up?'

'...I just...we like...we kiss'

'Mhm. And how's that?'

'I could do it all day'

Brooke smiles at that 'Yeah?'

'I...I've been feeling like it, like I want...It's not enough. I feel like I'm gonna...combust or something'

'Yeah?' A small laugh passes the brunette's lips. 'I've been there honey'

'You have?'

'Of course. Me and Julian waited a good while before we first had sex'

'You did?'

'So surprised?'

'You've never been the most patient or...' She trails off. 'Sorry I don't know what I'm saying'

'No. You're right. I, everything you've been through it, well in all honesty it made me feel differently about sex'

'Oh I don't like that' Peyton's face crumples.

'It's not a bad thing for me not to fall into bed with anyone P'

'You weren't like that' Peyton disagrees. 'Never were you like that Brooke'

'Well no but I, it's not wrong for me to care about it more than I did. At least I don't think so'

'When did you and Julian first...?'

'We waited about seven months'

'Seven months?' Peyton's surprise is evident.

'Uhuh. I mean more like six because we were doing stuff but we took it real, real slow and it, it was hard at times. I wanted to. But I also wanted...I don't know. I wanted to feel like I knew him, that it wasn't superficial. That it wasn't just sex and it, it wasn't. It was so different to anything I've experienced before in the best possible way'

Peyton smiles. '...I'm so glad you found him B'

'Me too. And guess who led me to him?' she prods the blonde.

'Arguably Ian that gave you that gift' Peyton smiles. Brooke's smile diminishes.

'Don't say that'

'Only joking. Sorry. Don't look sad'

'I hate how you can be so jokey about it all sometimes'

'I hate that you can be ten times more serious than you ever were' Peyton prods her and widens her eyes in a teasing fashion. 'Better to joke than to be sad B'

'Mm. I don't enjoy joking about it'

'I know. Sorry, I'll stop'

'No you won't'

'No. I won't' A small laugh escapes Peyton's lips. 'I can't help it. I guess it's a coping mechanism. One of my less unhealthy ones arguably'

'When you say it like that you can joke all you like'

Peyton smiles. 'Why thanks'

'...So it, it's like it was before? You and Luke? Like it was before prom night?'

'Well no. Before prom I was a normal human being so you know-'

'Peyton' Brooke scorns.

'Well it's true!'

'No. It's not'

Peyton ignores her and reroutes their conversation. 'If anything it's like more...' Her shoulders shrug as she struggles to vocalise what she's thinking. '..intense somehow and like...I mean I remember everything I felt before but we're both so anxious and nervous that it's like its, it's more...I don't know what I'm saying other than I can't think straight'

Brooke plays with Peyton's hand. 'You guys have had this thing between you for so long hey?'

'...do you think it's just me that thinks it's more...intense?'

Brooke laughs then. 'No, god the way that boy looks at you. Whatever you feel, I know he's feeling it too...so you're just making out' She tries to sound causal.

'...Kinda'

'Kinda not then' Brooke determines with a little prod to her friends stomach. 'Peyton Sawyer tell me everything right this second'

The blonde smiles because her friend is her excitable self and it's a version of her that is a lot rarer these days. 'There's not much to tell. I just...he's more handsy lately...'

'But you like it?'

She nods. She more than likes it. '...and...and the other morning I, I came out of the shower and he was...' She trails off because she suddenly thinks this is inappropriate and there would've been a time when she'd never, never have confided this in the friend beside her because she always viewed it as her's and Lucas's and theirs alone but everything is different now and she needs someone else to help her get her head in check. She doesn't need to finish her sentence. Brooke is seemingly more intuitive at this and has determined exactly what she'd walked in on.

'He wasn't' She's cringing because she's not sure that would have been the easiest situation for either one of her friends to navigate considering their intense anxiety surrounding sex.

'He kept saying sorry'

'I'm sure he bloody did'

'But I, I didn't mind'

'No?' Brooke is back to smiling with her friend's confession.

'He, he was holding my underwear so I, I assumed he was thinking about me-'

'Of course he was thinking about you. Honestly' She rolls her eyes. 'The amount of worrying he's been doing about pushing you too hard and he bloody does that whilst you're in the next room'

'He's talked to you?' Peyton sits up then.

Brooke opens and closes her mouth, concern sweeping over her that Peyton is upset. '...Well I, you know Luke. Always the worrier'

'He doesn't need to be worried. He's not pushing me'

'Well you can tell him that hey?...so what happened after you found him wanking himself off to your underwear'

'God B' Peyton's cheeks redden.

'What?' She slyly shrugs. 'That's what happened'

'...I, I was weird and awkward'

'I'm sure you weren't'

'No I was. I asked him if I could stay and watch him...finish' Brooke tries to nod nonchalantly. 'I, I wound up doing it for him though'

'You gave him a hand job?' Peyton nods and notes the surprise on her friend's face.

'You don't think I should've?'

'I think it's absolutely what you should've if you wanted to?'

'I did'

'And?'

'And it was...god the way he looks at me' She lays back down dramatically. 'I know this is way too much information but I got so wet'

Brooke's eyes light up and her smile grows impossibly bigger with her friend's out of character admission. 'You want to fuck him' She sings as she slings her leg over one of the blonde's, her arm locking around her slender form. She nuzzles her nose agains Peyton's hot cheek. 'I told you you'd want him again' She tickles her sides and Peyton laughs.

'Stop!'

She does but remains entwined. '...without sounding weird and creepy you have no idea how happy it makes me that Lucas Scott turns you on'

'B'

'Shutting up...how are you feeling about it?'

'...nervous...I told him he could sleep with other people but I don't think I want him to now'

'Woah back up' Brooke pushes herself up on her elbow to properly look into Peyton's face. 'What? When did you tell him that?'

'I just, when we...when we decided we were going to see each other again...I made it clear, I thought I should make it clear to him that I didn't think I could have sex...like ever again...I didn't want to, to mislead him, you know?' Brooke nods because her friend's concerns and fears are not lost on her. 'And he just, he kept saying he didn't care. He kept saying as long as he had me in his life that's all he needed to be happy but I, I kept saying I couldn't have a relationship with him knowing that I was depriving him of that. That I, I'd only agree to it if he...and he agreed and we decided that he'd just not tell me when he did it and-'

'P' Brooke Shakes her head. 'You know he hasn't. Come on, he hasn't been with anyone! And you're absolutely delusional if you think that he ever would have. He agreed to shut you up'

Peyton nods. '...yeah I, I told him he didn't have to tell me though so he could just be-'

'Peyton. He. Hasn't' Brooke sternly interferes. 'Like me, he knew you'd come round, that you'd get here. Have you talked about it?'

'About what?'

'About having sex' Brooke's eyes widen.

'No'

'Maybe you should? If you talk about it, it'll help ease any worries you've got'

'I don't want to make it weird. I've already made it majorly weird. If we do do this I don't want our first time to be some methodical talked out event'

'It's not going to be that. Talking about it doesn't mean that'

'Doesn't it? I feel like it would with us'

'Ok practice with me'

'What?'

'Not the sex P! The telling him what you're freaking about' Brooke soothes away Peyton's startled expression with a little laugh. 'What're you worried about and don't tell me you're not because just a few months ago you were Miss I'm never having sex ever again'

Peyton hesitates. '...I'm worried it won't live up to what we've both built up in our minds'

'Ok, worse case scenario is it's not good. Will you still love him?'

'I'll never not love him'

'And I know he's never not gonna love you. If it's not great then I think practice makes perfect' Brooke shrugs.

'Liar. You think if there's no chemistry there's no chemistry'

'You've got so much bloody chemistry. You couldn't have more chemistry Peyton' Brooke chants. 'I think your situation is slightly different'

'So you do think it'll be bad'

'No. I'm just giving you hypotheticals. I think it'll be everything you've hoped it will be and more'

'Why?'

'Because you want this. That desire is there. But if it wasn't great I think it'd just be because you've both been through very tough things and it's gonna take a bit of practice to figure it out. What else are you worried about?'

'I'm worried I'll just be reminded of Ian and have a full on panic attack and I don't want Luke feeling like he's caused me to be reminded of any of that'

'What do you think would trigger that most?'

Her shoulders shrug. 'I want him to control it because I don't know what I'm doing but at the same time I...I don't know' She sighs. 'I'm worried I'm going to automatically do things that Ian wanted' She whispers. 'Cause I, it was ingrained in a way...I don't know. I know I'm overthinking everything. It wasn't like that when I was touching him the other day and I thought it would be'

'...Everything you're feeling is completely understandable'

Peyton sighs. 'I wish I was fucking normal'

'You are normal. Honey I was freaking out about having sex with Julian before we actually did it'

'You were?'

'Of course. I know it's not the same but I'm just trying to tell you that everyone get's nervous'

'...yeah, I do know that it just...I don't know...' She sighs. Bites her lip. Stares up at the ceiling. '...I, I don't suppose you'd...will, would you do something for me?'

'Anything. Always'

'I think you might change your mind cause I, it might trigger me having a panic attack and it, it's weird. More than weird'

'What do you want me to do?'

Peyton tilts her head to the side to look into the brunette's face. '...touch me?'

'Ok' Brooke's brow furrows. 'I am honey'

'No I mean here...' her hand indicates to the crotch of her jeans 'Just on top of my clothes obviously' she hastily adds. Brooke's surprise is evident. 'Sorry...you don't have to I know it's, sorry. Ignore me-'

'No, I, I will' Brooke sits up then in an effort to cease the blonde's embarrassment. She smiles reassuringly. 'It's not a big deal. Of course I can'

'It's weird'

'No it's not'

'I just, I just don't want Luke to see me have a melt down and be offended'

'He won't. He'll just be worried'

'I don't want him to be that either... You really don't have to'

'It's all good P. Just tell me what you want me to do'

'Just put your, your hand here maybe'

Brooke lightly settles her hand against Peyton's crotch. 'Like this?'

'Yes'

'Ok?'

'...yes'

The brunette lays back down beside her friend, her hand barely touching her, her resting fingers unmoving.

Peyton exhales shakily.

'You're not okay are you?' Brooke assesses.

'...yes, no' Brooke goes to shift her hand away but Peyton's fingers curl around her wrist. 'Wait. Don't. It's ridiculous. You're barely touching me'

'It's not ridiculous honey. You're gonna feel so different with Luke. I mean I know you love me and all but not like this' Brooke drawls. 'What're you thinking?'

'I just, I get this feeling here' Peyton touches her chest. 'My heart racing, not in a good way...like I, I need to work out how I, I'm not gonna feel anything'

'You're allowed to feel'

'I know'

'You're deserving of feeling good. The panic, the reason you have that feeling, do you think it's because of how you felt when he made you...' She trails off as the topic at hand becomes more difficult.

'...yes. I couldn't stop him from touching me but I never thought I'd...I thought I could stop myself from...but I didn't...I thought at the very least that'd always be Luke's'

'Peyton' Brooke uses her free hand to brush Peyton's hair back off her face. 'What you felt then isn't the same as what you've ever felt with Luke or what you're going to feel with him anytime in the future. That was rape. It's nothing the same. Your body reacted in a biological way a couple of times. You have to know that's all that was. You survived.'

'...I know' She murmurs. 'I do know that. I just think that that's what, where the panic comes from. Me trying to not let that happen. To not feel'

'And that makes so much sense'

'What if I have so much panic that I can't even fucking come anymore?'

'Of course you'll be able to. When did he last touch you here?'

'Luke?'

'Yeah'

'Before I was admitted'

'Did you come?'

'Yes'

'But it wasn't good?'

'I don't know I was so fucked up. It, it's like when I think back to that I'm looking in on somebody else that's not me. Like someone else had hold of my body and I...I was living in denial then. Now I'm not and I can say this makes me uncomfortable now'

Brooke shifts her hand to the top of the blonde's thigh then. 'What makes you uncomfortable?'

'I don't know...I just don't want him thinking of me...like that with Ian'

'I know if for a second he's thinking about that he'd be stopping honey. If he feels ready to be with you like that it's because he's so wrapped up in you. Just you. Because he wants you and more importantly because he thinks you want him right back. He doesn't want Ian in the bed with you anymore than you do'

Peyton sighs. '...you always say the right thing. You know that?'

Brooke smiles. 'I dunno. I'm kinda winging it right now'

'Your so good at winging it...I don't feel pretty a lot of the time, I know that's so superficial and it's not like I ever thought I was amazing or anything but... when Luke is looking at me I still feel, he makes me feel pretty but I, when I'm naked, God I don't want him to see me like that. And I didn't really give a shit before. I mean it's not like he's not seen it all before it's just well it's different now in places isn't it'

'Peyton you're so beautiful. So beautiful'

'You have to say that'

'I'm not just saying that. It's understandable that you feel insecure. Christ I do half the time too! But I promise the second you let him see all of you again it'll all go away because he's gonna be looking at you like he wants you so much. Even if it's just for a little while, when you're with him like that, all those insecurities will disappear. I promise. When he sees any scars you have he'll see just what I see. Bravery honey. And determination. And the more you're intimate with him the more you'll believe him over any of this annoying voices in your head. Ok?' Peyton licks her lips. Nods. 'Now, as much as I don't mind touching you up, Julian is gonna be back in a sec and is gonna come waltzing in here and is totally gonna think all his Christmases have come at once' Peyton's eyes dart to the door, simultaneously shoving Brooke's hand off her leg in a panic and scrambling to her feet. Brooke laughs at her hasty escape. 'I was teasing! He won't come in'

'Dickhead' Peyton smiles bashfully. 'Don't tell him I asked you to touch me' She mumbles.

'Of course I won't. Here' Brooke follows her to standing and opens the nightstand draw. 'You might be thinking about having sex but I don't think you're ready for little Sawyer Scotts anytime soon'

'B-' Peyton shakes her head at the condom.

'Safety first always. Take it' She puts it in her friend's back pocket for her.

'I'm sure we can figure that bit out ourselves B'

'But you don't know when or where it might happen! Just in case of emergencies' She grins.

'Thank you' Peyton rolls her eyes.

'You're welcome' Brooke chants. 'Want to go get ice cream?'

'Uhuh. But, actually there was something else'

'Ok?'

'What're all the presents in your cupboard that have my name on?'

'When did you notice those?' Brooke's eyes narrow.

'About six months ago'

'Why didn't you say anything?'

'Dunno. I thought you'd gone overboard for Christmas. I figured they were for something in particular but now I dunno why you have a billion presents with my name on stashed away'

Brooke smiles sadly. 'They're your Birthday presents from the Birthday I missed. I went a little crazy. I, I didn't know if you'd want them really'

'You bought a bunch of stuff for a girl that was possibly dead?'

'It was my way of convincing myself you weren't I think' She sheepishly answers. '...I thought it might upset you and me... I dunno. You can open them, have them. They're yours after all'

'Well are they gonna just sit in your cupboard until the end of time if I don't?'

Brooke smiles. 'Probably. Come on it can be your fake birthday' She chants suddenly onboard with the whole idea of bestowing her best friend with the presents from a much sadder time. 'I have to admit I can't remember what a lot of them are at this point' She opens the cupboard and makes a start on getting the items out. Peyton's eyes widen a little because whilst she'd got a visual on them a good while ago she'd not really realised just quite how many there were.

'Christ B'

'I shop when I'm sad you know that' Brooke answers. Pauses. 'I really thought you might be gone that day' She utters.

'I'm not though B' Peyton murmurs.

'No you're not' Brooke's sadness ebbs away and she smiles. 'I remember what this one is. Open it' She tosses it to the Blonde. Peyton catches it. Smiles. 'Open it!' Laughs.

'Alright, alright. Keep your hair on I'm opening it'

LPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLPLP

'What's all this?' His eyebrow arches as he takes in the living room.

'Brooke dealing with me being missing apparently' A wane smile touches her lips. 'She bought all this stuff for my Birthday when I was missing'

'Oh right' He laughs. 'God she wasn't joking when she said she went overboard'

'She'd mentioned she'd got me loadsa stuff?'

'Mhm. How come she only just gave it to you?'

'I think she thought it would upset me. I mean it did a bit. They're all so bloody thoughtful and me, well the me she knew'

'The you she knows' He corrects and widens his eyes at her. She smiles sheepishly.

'Yes. Sorry'

'You still like it all right?'

'Uhuh'

'Right there we go then. You then and you now are very similar. Everybody changes a bit overtime. You would have always been a more evolved version of yourself by now than you were in school'

'I know' Her head bobs.

'Really?' He laughs as he inspects her gifts finding a polly pocket on the coffee table.

'Hey now. Don't you dare ridicule that. That was my favourite thing when I was a kid. I don't know how she even found it cause they don't make them anymore, not like that anyway'

He grins. 'I can't imagine you playing with these'

'Why not? They're amazing. They're little! You can take them anywhere cause they're like-'

'Pocket size?' He suggests.

She smiles but her eyes are glaring at him. 'Yes smarty pants. Lily will appreciate it'

'Mhmm. She really will. You're so cute' He's before her now.

'Don't patronise me Lucas Scott'

'Would I dare do such a thing?'

She latches her hands around his neck. 'How was your day?'

'Good. Better now'

'Oh?'

'Mhm'

'And why's that?'

'Cause I get to kiss you'

'Is that so?'

'Uhuh...can I?'

She laughs. 'Yes you dork'

He kisses her. She loves these kisses because he keeps losing himself in them and she knows, knows in these moments that he's only thinking of her and how much he wants her. He's not thinking about all the god awful things they've been through. His hand is on her lower back and daringly dips into the back pocket of her jeans. She gasps and then her eyes widen because she's just remembered what is in said pocket.

He withdraws and tugs free what has her eyes wide. 'What have you got stashed away back...' He trails off as his eyes take in the square foil packet.

'I...' She shakes her head. 'Brooke'

He laughs. 'Don't look so worried. Really? Brooke?' He's a little surprised because his friend knows they're going slow.

'Well I...we were talking about...and I...I just...she thought I should be prepared just in case you know? And' She shrugs.

He swallows. Is trying not to make assumptions but the fact that she's been issued with protection has certain implications. 'What were you talking about?' He's still holding the condom but his other hand has interlocked with hers and is tugging her away from kitchen work surface toward the sofa.

'Just...stuff'

'Stuff?'

'About sex stuff' She mumbles as they sit down.

'Ok. Want to elaborate?'

'I just have been feeling like I...I think I don't want you to hook up with anyone else Luke' She bleats. His brow raises. She looks at him nervously. 'I mean, obviously if at any point there has been anyone else that, that's fine, I did say you should and I did say you shouldn't tell me but I, I don't think I am ok with it anymore so I-'

'Peyton of course I haven't seen anyone else. Surely you know that really' He cuts in.

'...well I had assumed but at the same time I did say you could and you've had a lot of assignments the last week or so so I've not seen you as much. It'd be fine if...you haven't?'

'Absolutely not. And it wouldn't be ok if I had' He disagrees. 'I wouldn't do that. I know what you said but I've not been with anyone' He shakes his head and widens his eyes at her with a smile. 'Please tell me you've not thought I've been off hooking up with other people this week. I've been working. I only agreed to your ridiculous condition to shut you up. I've told you again and again I'm not interested in anyone but you. Why would I see anyone else when I've got all I want right here?' He hums. She blinks. Her smile is watery. 'Hey' He draws her into a hug. 'What is it?'

'I just, I'm...I guess I'm relieved' She admits.

He smiles. 'Well that's good because as far as I'm concerned I've been exclusively dating you since school' He drawls in her ear.

'I really did mean what I said though Luke'

'I know you did' He eases back to look in her face.

'I thought it wouldn't matter because I could be happy for you if you were happy'

'And I love that you love me so much that you can be that selfless but I love it more than you don't want me to be with anyone else. I love that you've come to the conclusion that me being with you and you alone is what equates to me being happy'

'...I hope so...I thought I couldn't give you...everything'

'We've been through this-'

'I know but I, I liked touching you last week' She blurts. His brow raises. '...I want...to...I think maybe I'm, I'd like to...try...maybe'

His brow rises. 'Try?'

'You know'

'...yeah?' He unconsciously twiddles the contraception in his grasp.

'Can you put that down?'

He blinks. 'Oh' Smiles. 'Sorry' Places it on the coffee table. 'So you think you'd...really?'

'I, well I don't mean right now' Her eyes are like saucers.

'I know that' he laughs quietly.

'I just mean I, I think maybe I want to try and slowly get to, to the point of...going the whole way. I, I want you to know that it, it's not completely off the table you know?' She bites her lip. He runs his thumb back and forth over her knuckles. 'Brooke said I should tell you how I feel'

'As usual she's right'

'She said you'd spoke to her too'

He laughs. 'Yes. Only you're braver than me because you've actually breached the subject unlike me'

'Not really. The condom has forced us to have this chat so B has essentially forced us to talk about it'

He laughs because he's sure the brunette couldn't have foreseen him finding her little gift but it's not surprising that she's somehow managed to make them have this chat even if it wasn't as calculated as that. 'I just, I've been getting the impression that you might be wanting more. I wasn't entirely sure where your head was at though. I didn't know how to ask you, I didn't want it to feel like I was pressuring you in anyway'

'That's impossible...' She ducks her head. 'I asked her to touch me this morning' She blurts after a beat. She risks looking back up at him.

He does his best to look indifferent. 'Brooke?'

'Yes'

'Touch you'

'Yes I, I've been worrying that I might have a panic attack if we...and well I thought maybe if I got her to touch me it'd...' She trails off because he's just sat back further on the sofa and is looking up at the ceiling dumbly. 'Are you mad with me?'

His head swivels back to her. 'What?'

'For letting Brooke touch me?'

'Of course not! I'm just trying to work out if you're saying what I think you're saying' He smiles.

'Well I'd take a guess that whatever you're thinking is a lot more R rated than it was in reality. All clothes remained in tact'

He smirks. 'Where did she touch you?'

She looks at him through her lashes. Shifts her hand to her lower midriff. His stare follows said hand descend. 'Here ' And then he's squinting up at her.

'...and...and what happened?'

'Well I kinda felt panicky but we, we talked about it'

'Talked about why?'

She nods. Shuffles onto her knees. 'I, I've talked about it a lot with Jules too' She fiddles with her hands.

'Because you're worried I'll hurt you?'

'No. No that's the last thing I'm worried about. I'd never be worried about that'

'No?'

'No. It's, I'm not scared of pain. I can handle any amount of pain-'

'I'd never hurt you Peyton. If there was even a second of you hurting I'd be stopping'

'I know, I know. I just mean the anxiety isn't about me getting hurt'

'But you know what triggers your anxiety?'

Her eyes glaze over, her bottom lip quivers. 'Well I...I, I think it comes from, from how I feel about the fact I...I came for him' He swallows. Opens and closes his mouth. 'You don't need to say anything...I, I felt like I'd, I'd given something to him that I, I only wanted you to have. Anytime he raped me I, I held onto the, the idea that he could have my body but I wasn't giving him me. All of me and then... then that happened and I'd feel this panic about trying my hardest not to let that happen ever again and I still feel that panic coming on when I get turned on and, and guilt which isn't ideal is it?' He draws her closer. Cups her face.

'You didn't give him anything' His voice is quieter than norm as he battles to keep his emotions in check.

She presses her lips together. 'It just makes my skin crawl and I, it, it's fucking confusing as to how I could, how my body could...' She shakes her head.

'You know that there's a lot of victims that experience similar right?'

'Did you look that up?'

'No. It's true though'

'I know it is. I'd forgive you for not understanding though. I sure as hell don't but I swear I didn't want him in anyway. I didn't for a second. Ever'

'God I know that. Not for a second have I ever thought that. I know it's not the same because I fucking love you but I didn't want my body to...when he made you. You think for a second if I'd had a choice I would've allowed my body to do that? I couldn't stop it. So even though it's not the same I do understand how you felt betrayed by your own body and also guilt because god there's not a day I don't feel guilty'

'...I know. And I know that felt the same for you as it did when he made me but I, in my head it's not cause you're, you're allowed to be turned on by me'

'God I wasn't though. Not for a second' She averts her eyes. 'Don't be upset by that' He clutches her hands. 'How could I be turned on by seeing you like that? How could I be in that situation? With you going through that? Looking so fucking...' He swallows thickly. '...you were so small and what he had you wearing...I know you weren't turned on any time he made you. I know that'

'...I hate that you saw me that day'

'I know you do'

'...I just don't want that overwhelming guilty feeling when we... and I, I had that feeling when I made you touch me before I went into hospital...'

'I was so fucking stupid' His hands are gone. 'I knew you weren't ready back then but I-'

'Luke I practically blackmailed you. I was a mess' The small amount of space between them is suddenly too much. She sits herself across his lap and rests her forehead to his. 'I thought if we were together it'd just vanish. That feeling. But how could it when I, he was still so in my head. He's not now so this, this fear is irrational. I'm not gonna feel guilty because I'm allowed to have this with you. I'm allowed to feel that and it not be wrapped in guilt and shame. I'm allowed to feel it and it be good because you're the only person I want this with. I just' She smiles bashfully. 'I might need you to keep reminding me of that'

'I can do that...I'm so sorry I wasn't stronger. That I let you tell me what to do. I wasn't what you needed at all-'

'That couldn't be further from the truth...Luke you were so, so amazing with me. When I think about every insane thing I said to you or did I' She shakes her head. 'You were so patient with me, so compassionate and understanding, so willing to do anything for me regardless of how that might have made you feel. I'm so, so, I can't even put into words how sorry I am for everything I put you through'

His hand has migrated back to her face. His thumb drifting over her cheekbone. 'I hate it when you say you're sorry'

'I know. Sorry' She smiles. 'But I am' She shrugs. 'I love you like crazy. Anyone hurting you feels like someone is tearing my heart out. As ridiculously sappy as that sounds'

'The feeling is mutual. I love you so, so much Peyton. The, the only good thing to come from all this is I know, I know the love I have for you is unwavering. It's never going to go away'

'Likewise'

'...did the panic with Brooke disappear? When she was touching you I mean?' He murmurs after a beat.

'Well it wasn't for long. I wouldn't say it disappeared just stopped cause she stopped... anyway, she thinks it, it'll be different cause I'm obviously into you-'

'You're into me' He smirks.

'Didn't you know?' She knows he knows.

'I had my suspicions' He leans into her then. Kisses her. Slow. '...you don't have to practice with Brooke' He murmurs into her mouth after a moment. 'We can practice all you like'

'...I know. I just, I don't know how hard I'm gonna find this and I, I mean I'm probably overthinking everything but in the case that I do have a melt down I don't want you thinking it's you because it's not. I want you'

'Yeah?'

'Yes'

'...I know this is really hard. I'm scared about a billion different things too'

'You are?'

'Of course I am. I'm so paranoid about hurting you or doing anything that can possibly remind you of him'

'I'm sorry' She frowns.

'Not your fault'

'I just, I wish this could be how it's meant to be you know?'

'It will be...We...we should just go real slow'

'...yeah...I love you so much Luke'

'I love you' He echoes. 'So much'

She smiles. Brushes her lips across his. Tilts her head. Kisses him slow and deep. He's quickly uncomfortable because she keeps shifting in her effort to get closer to him and her hands are lost in his hair.

'...I, I think I should probably go' He reluctantly exhales when air because a bit of an issue because things are becoming painful and he doesn't want her feeling pressure to take things further right this second. Talking about it is a huge step in itself and he'd rather be the one to put a stop to this going any further than her having to be because she'll only start on her triad of self hate.

'Don't go' She breathes. He squints at her. 'I don't want you to go. You can stay over if you want'

'I always want that but I think maybe I shouldn't tonight'

'Why?'

'Cause, well it's just...' He smiles.

'Because I'm being a tease?' She suggests.

'You're not a tease. I'm just...' He smiles. 'Overwhelmed' He settles on. Closes his eyes as she shifts on his lap again.

'Don't go Luke...' She finishes her plea with another kiss. 'I want...' Kiss. 'I want...' His hand that's been lightly on her backside squeezes. She gasps.

'What do you want?'

'I want to try' She sounds a bit like a robot and he'd have laughed if she didn't look so damn nervous. 'Not...just...more'

He squints at her. Brushes her hair back behind her ear. 'Yeah?'

'Mmhm' She's fiddling with his t-shirt. '...I mean obviously only if you want...more'

He smiles. Brushes his nose against hers. 'This doesn't have to be right now'

'I know but I'm, I want to'

'I don't want you saying you want more right now just for me. Talking about it isn't you being a tease'

'I want to for you too but I learnt a long time ago that doing things just for you isn't for you because if I'm not happy you're not happy' She babbles.

'Correct' He can't help but slide his tongue back into her mouth then because he believes she believes that. Trusts that she believes what she's saying.

She murmurs in answer, is about to reposition herself so her legs are either side of his waist because she needs to be closer but he's speaking again.

'So' He husks into her mouth. 'What's...' He's easily distracted by her swollen lips. Kisses her chin. 'More?' He doesn't want to make any assumptions.

'What do you want?'

'Uh uh. I asked you'

She smiles. '...I don't really know though...I think I, I want you to touch me. Maybe'

He nuzzles his nose against hers. 'I am touching you'

'You know what I mean Lucas Scott' she berates.

He smirks. 'Yes. I do...yeah?'

'Do you want to?'

'God yes'

She smiles. Bites her lip as she eases back off of him. Extends her hand to him. He wordlessly takes it. Lets her lead him to her room.

'Brooke present too?' He breaks the silence when he notes the record player that's a new addition.

'Yeah' She rolls her eyes. 'Way too much. I tried to make her keep that one'

'She got it for you. What would she do with it?'

'Er let me educate her in music. That girl needs some lessons'

'Well you can still do that from here'

'It's too much'

He shakes his head in disagreement. 'You deserve it'

'No. I do not' She snorts.

'Yes. You do. I'd give you the whole world if I could'

She shakes her head. 'I don't want the whole world'

'No. I know' He smiles. Knows she's not into materialistic things really. 'You know Brooke likes a bit of retail therapy. This was her way of dealing and you get to reap the benefits'

'I know it's her dealing I just feel...' She shrugs. 'She spent her inheritance on me. It makes me feel shitty and then all this too'

'I get why it makes you feel uncomfortable but come on, I don't even have to wonder if you'd have done the same if it had been the other way round'

'In a heartbeat'

'Exactly. So try not to linger on it or feel guilty and god knows you deserve every bloody thing you want after everything'

'I just want very ordinary things'

'Like?'

'Like to be with you' She steps back toward the bed.

'Well you already have that Peyton Sawyer' He watches her sit down. Shuffle back on the mattress. Lay down.

'In all the ways'

He loiters at the bottom of the bed. Holds her feet. 'We will, are'

Her smile is small. Nervous. Nods. 'What're you doing weirdo?' She enquires because he's still grasping her feet.

'You even have pretty feet'

'No. I do not' She disagrees with a little laugh.

'They look like the little mermaid's when she gets her legs'

'A cartoon?'

'It's a complement'

'Alright you dork. Enough perving over my feet' He smiles. Settles her feet on the mattress before crawling onto the bed, hand finding her thigh as he settles between her legs. 'Did you have a crush on Ariel when you were a kid Lucas Scott?'

'Who says I was a kid?' His grin wanes because he's recalling the last time they spoke of mermaids and it had ended in her not so subtly announcing she'd like to not be in this world anymore.

'What're you thinking?'

'That day we were at the...house...the lake'

'I don't want to be a daughter of air Luke'

'No. I know'

'I still wouldn't give up a mermaid tail up for you though' She smiles.

'Nor would I want you to' He smirks back. 'Maybe we can get you one of those'

'Wow really got a weird little fetish going on don't you?'

'Uhuh. It's called Peyton Sawyer in anything and everything'

'Oh?' She hesitates before taking his hand and directing it to her jeans. 'How about not in anything?' He swallows. And as soon as she says it she wants to take it back because she has no intention of completely stripping off right now. He sees.

'Your pace' He murmurs a reminder. 'But yes you in nothing...' He smiles. Can't formulate any words at the thought. Smiles goofily instead. 'You ok?'

'Uhuh'

'No panic?'

'No panic'

'You'll tell me though won't you?'

'I promise' He's still toying with the button of her jeans.

'Do you need help with that Lucas Scott?'

'No thank you' He smiles. Blindly pops the button free then. His nervousness doesn't go unnoticed as he gazes into her eyes.

'Not like last time' It's as if she can read his thoughts. 'I promise'

'How did you know that's what I was thinking?' He hums.

'Maybe you're not the only mindreader around here'

He smirks. 'Not a mindreader' He has her flies down now and eases his hand into her jeans, grazes his knuckle over her underwear. She gasps. 'Ok?' He breathes.

'Y-yes' She swallows. 'Are you?'

'God yes' he kisses her top lip. 'I love you'

She drowns in how he's gazing at her. 'I love you'

He delights at the way she's quick to tilt herself closer, seeking out his touch.

He bravely lets his fingers shift between them, eyes attentively watching her reaction. 'Ok?' She gasps. Hands suddenly grappling at his shoulders.

'Mm'

'Mm' She presses her lips together and finds her hips naturally jerking toward his fingers that are barely touching her. He smiles. Cups his fingers a little harder as she rocks against them.

'God I've dreamt of you like this'

'You have?' He doesn't answer. His tongue dips into her mouth. Her hand is suddenly in the back of his hair as she kisses him back hard. A noise sounds in the back of her throat and he eases back a little. Drowns in the way her breathing has become laboured.

'Look at me' She does.

'How is B always ri-right' She mutters to herself. He smiles.

'How's she right?'

'How do, do you make me feel so...' She trails off. Gasps loudly as he lets his fingers press more firmly against her underwear.

'So what?'

'...you just have, have to look at me and I...'

'What?' He smirks as he watches her.

'I want to cry that you, you chose me, that I have y-you, that you still want me'

He kisses her cheek. 'I'll always want you...god you're wet' He smiles into her mouth.

'I swear you just have to look at me and that happens Luke' He laughs because whilst he's not been oblivious to her growing desire he'd not known to what extent she was getting riled up. 'It's not funny. It's starting to become an actual...problem' She closes her eyes.

'I don't think it's a problem'

'My underwear would disagree' Her hand covers her mouth then. Mumbles into it. Despite being muffled he still distinguishes her words as 'God I can't believe I just said that' He laughs again and pulls her hand away.

'I'm loving that you just said that'

She frowns. 'Gross Luke'

'Not gross. You getting wet for me could never be gross' She gasps. 'How could that ever be gross?'

'Bodies are weird th-though aren't they?'

His brow kinks in bemusement. 'That's what you're thinking about right now?'

'Yes I mean why does there have to be so many liquids? Snot and come are essentially the same thing if you really think about it' His nose crinkles.

'Not really at all-'

'And why do we have to like being touched so close to where we wee and-'

'Ok' He cuts in, his free hand covering her mouth 'Enough of analysing the biology of the human body you' He smiles.

'S' weird though' She breathes into his hand. Prods her tongue against his palm. His hand retracts in all of a second.

She giggles.

It ceases when he rubs his hand harder against her again. He smirks. She exhales shakily.

'There's nothing weird about your body'

She snorts. 'There's many a weird-'

'Shh' He cuts her off assertively. 'I don't wanna hear it. This is perfect. Ok?'

She smiles at his stern tone because he rarely issues her with it. 'Ok'

'Good. Glad we cleared that up. Can I take your jeans off completely?'

She gazes at him. Loves the way his eyes keep flitting to where his hand is.

She's not answered and his stare skitters back up to her. 'But it's fine if -'

'No I, you can I just, that means your hand disappearing' It's not lost on her how ironic it is that she's been more than fearing this and yet in the last twenty minutes that fear is on the back burner.

He smiles. Kisses her sweetly. 'Mm. I think you can survive a couple of seconds'

She whimpers as his fingers disappear. 'I don't think I can actually'

He laughs as he begins to work her jeans down her legs. She wriggles in an effort to help. It doesn't because he stops to laugh at her some more.

She reaches for the nearest pillow and whacks him with it. 'You're meant to be helping'

'Sorry I'm enjoying watching you writhe about'

'No' She corrects. 'You're enjoying watching me be all needy for you'

He catches the end of her jeans and gives them a sharp tug then, consequently freeing her legs and jerking her further down the bed. She gasps. 'Of course I am' He admits. 'How couldn't I be?'

She bites her lip because he's just not so subtly adjusted himself. Smiles sheepishly at her. '...I don't feel like this is fair' She whispers suddenly.

'I'm sorry. I'm not meaning to torment you' He crows as he looms back over her. He's made a conscious effort not to let his stare linger on her thighs and the criss crossing of scars. She knows. Is grateful.

'Not that. I, I mean you're...' She's not making any sense but he knows what she's saying. Knows her. Knows where her mind is at.

'If you don't want me to stop then please, please, please don't tell me to because you think it's unfair that I'm not getting off right now. Because god I am' She arches as his hand settles back where it had been moments before. 'How couldn't I be? Look at you. Besides, you touched me last week' He reminds her.

'Yeah. Sorry'

'Sorry?'

'That whole thing was weird wasn't it?'

'No. It wasn't' He disagrees.

'I never, I never thought I could do th-this again' She blurts then.

'I know you didn't' He nods.

'But it, it's like be-fore'

He smiles and nuzzles his nose against hers again. Enjoys the way her laboured breaths hit his lips. 'Yeah?'

'Mm'

He slides his hand up to the waist band of her underwear then. 'I love you' He husks.

'I love you' She echoes. Nods. It's consent and he doesn't hesitate. Fingers shift beneath the fabric concealing her. He groans. She whimpers.

'Ok?' He husks.

'Y-yeah'

He needn't have asked. Knows she's ok because he's seen her when she's not. Is painfully aware how not ok she was the last time his fingers touched her here. Because this is how she is when she's enjoying this. She's not rigid beneath him. He can't dwell on that for a second longer though because if he does self hate will take hold and he's going to have to stop.

'What, what're you th-think-ing?'

He smiles because seemingly his thoughts can't get past her. He sees the concern dancing in her eyes.

'Just how, how I shouldn't have...last time I-'

'I forced you. Please don't think about that right now' Her fingers fumble between them, settle over the hand in her underwear. Presses hard. 'I can't f-fake this right now Luke'

'I know' He kisses her. Tongues entwine. Takes the hint and works her harder. Lets his fingers slide into her warmth. He's rewarded with a little sound in the back of her throat. A sound he's not heard her make in a long, long time.

Her hand finds his cheek.

'What're you thinking n-now?'

'That you're unbearably gorgeous'

She smiles. Laughs breathily. 'Unbearably?'

'Uhuh' His eyes skitter down her, watches her ribs become more defined beneath the fabric that hides her as she arches. He wants to ease it up. Wants to let his lips familiarise themselves with her skin but he doesn't. Won't. Not today.

He's imagined being where his fingers are more times than he can count. Had gone through a period of feeling ashamed over his fantasies because it felt inappropriate to desire this from her when someone else had hurt her it in such a horrific way. But that shame isn't present right now. How can it be when she's looking at him, her eyes encased in desire. Desire for him. And god does he want to be where his fingers are. To feel with her. To be one with her. But this is enough. This is everything right now. And he's giddy because whilst he's had faith she'd eventually want this from him, her consistent reminders that she'd not ever be able to had had him considering that perhaps she wouldn't. And whilst his declarations that it wouldn't matter were true he can't say he's not relieved because he wants this with her. He wants it for her just as much as he wants it for himself. But god does he want it. Her.

He drops his forehead to hers when she falls. Smiles into her mouth. Kisses her nose. Her cheek. Chin. Open mouth. Lays at her side.

'Ok?' He hums.

'Yes' She smiles shyly. 'Yes. Are you?'

He laughs. 'Yes. More than...Did it feel different to Brooke?' His voice is mischievous.

She whacks him lightly. 'Don't make me regret telling you that'

He laughs. 'I definitely don't regret you telling me. I'm genuinely intrigued'

'It wasn't like some girl on girl thing Luke. It was a best friend trying to help me get control of my anxiety'

'I know. I know that'

'I was worried you'd be annoyed not turned on'

'Why annoyed?'

'Well imagine I'd asked someone else. Like Nate or Julian'

'Ok. Uh, uh' His finger covers her lips. 'Don't want that visual thank you'

She smiles. 'How is it different? They're just friends'

'Cause!'

'Cause what?'

'It would be the same if you were into girls but I know you're not'

'Maybe I am' His eyebrow kinks. Then he squints at her. She falls back laughing then. 'Your face!'

'Not funny!' He follows and lays down half on top of her.

'You really think you'd not have cottoned on by now if I was batting for the other team?!'

'People sometimes don't figure that kind of shit out right away and you've been through a lot'

'I know Ian Banks fucked me up but I don't think any of that could change my sexual orientation Luke' She smiles in amusement.

He grazes her nose with his. 'I sort of see how that could maybe happen to some people'

'You think?'

'I dunno...maybe not change but some people realise things later on in life don't they? Maybe some people might choose to live their lives differently because of their experiences...'

'Ok. Well I'll always choose you for the record'

'Yeah?'

'Uhuh'

'Mmm, thank god...do you feel that guilt you were talking about?'

She plays with his fingers. A blush works it's way up her cheeks as she thinks about where those fingers just were. What those fingers just did. 'No...I feel nice'

'Nice?' He laughs.

She looks up at him through her lashes. Smiles.

'Nice is a horrible word Peyton Sawyer'

'Sorry Mr Writer' She widens her eyes at him. 'I feel good'

'Oh god. Good isn't a whole lot better'

'Does the happiest I've been since that week before prom do it for you?'

'Yeah?'

'Uhuh'

'That does do it for me' He kisses her forehead. Draws her into his side.

'Do you want me to...?'

'I'm good thank you'

'I ca-'

'I just want it to be about you today is that ok?'

'Mhmm...thank you'

He laughs because he knows she's teasing him for thanking her just the previous week. He cocks his head. Arches his brow. 'You're welcome?'

She grins. 'I love you Luke'

'I love you more'

'That is not possible'

•••

'Look at them' Haley grins.

Brooke joins her and smirks to herself.

Nathan shakes his head. 'They're not a zoo attraction. Come away from there' He's not surprised when his demand falls on deaf ears.

'Have they had sex yet?'

'Haley!' Nathan exclaims.

'Oh shush! They're our friends-'

'Uhuh also my brother. I don't need to know every detail of their lives-'

'Who knew Nathan Scott would become a prude' Brooke teases.

'So have they?' Haley pries.

'Last I heard no' Brooke turns her back to the window as she doesn't think Nathan's aversion to watching the pair is completely unwarranted and she's pretty sure Peyton would be mortified if she knew they were being spied on right now.

Haley makes a noise of surprise when her brother in law hitches Peyton's leg up around him. She abruptly turns away. 'Oh got more than you wanted to see did you?' Nathan jibes. 'Do I need to go and tell them to get a room?'

Haley rolls her eyes. 'They can be as inappropriate as they like on our front porch Nathan Scott' She claps her hands together and then looks at Brooke with a dreamy expression. 'It's happening isn't it? They're gonna be ok aren't they? They're gonna be happy and they're gonna get married and live together and have babies and-'

'Ok you' Brooke cuts in. 'I'm all for you being excited and happy for them but don't be saying any of that shit to P. She'll have a nervous breakdown'

'Of course I wouldn't! But I'm right, right?'

'In terms of them working stuff out, I hope so. The kids and marriage part?' Brooke shrugs. 'I don't exactly know what either of them want in terms of that. We don't all have to have a text book relationship Hales'

'No. No I know that. I just want them to be together. To be happy'

'I know. They're doing so good' She sits down next to Julian, smiles up at him. 'Right?' She appeals.

'Right' He confirms because it's true but also because she needs the assurance. Knows she's spent many a sleepless night fretting over her best friend. He drapes his arm around her. Will tell her when they're alone that she's had a huge role in helping said friend find her feet. Will tell her that it astounds him everyday how so strong she is. Will tell her how one of his favourite things about her is how bloody determined and selfless and loving she is. For now he just kisses her head.

'We should do something special for her birthday. Don't you think?' Haley enquires.

'I dunno' Brooke's brow furrows. Hesitates. 'I need to talk to her. I know her Birthday is a bit of a trigger' Brooke vaguely murmurs. Avoids Haley's stare because she knows the brunette is going to want more details but she's not about to surrender information because it's not her story to tell.

'We can't do nothing'

'We won't' Brooke agrees. 'I just meant I'm not sure she'd like anything crazy. I could be completely wrong though but I've got a feeling she just wants some lowkey day. Probably with that one out there'

'She has to do something with us too' Julian pipes up then.

Brooke tilts her head and arches her brow. 'Aww are you feeling put out baby?'

'No' He disagrees but his expression says otherwise.

'She's just making up for lost time. If any two people are allowed to be selfish and all over each other it's them. They'll calm down'

'Is it weird that I wanna go tell her to get in here right now?' He mumbles.

Brooke grins. 'Yes it is. But also very cute how you've got this protective brother thing going on' She drawls because she adores how fond he's become of her best friend. 'But you don't need to protect her from Luke'

'I know'

'You guys have a lot in common. I think you just need to spend some time getting to know him better'

'Mmm well it's hard to do that when he's constantly got his tongue down her throat'

Brooke pouts her lips and makes a mocking sad face. He rolls his eyes at her and she swiftly giggles and kisses his cheek. 'Do you want me to distract you Mr Baker?'

'No don't you two bloody start' Nathan cuts in then. 'At least they're bloody outside making out!'

•••

'We...we should...should probably go back in...side...before they come look...ing'

'Mmm' He nods. '...you ok?'

'Uhuh. Are you?'

'Never better'

He reluctantly lets her foot find purchase on the floor once more. 'Sorry, I got a bit handsy huh'

She smiles. '...I like it'

'Yeah?'

'Mhmm. We're acting like teenagers aren't we?'

'I think we're allowed. It's not like we're miles away from our teen years Peyton'

She strokes his cheek. Bites her lip. 'No...Are you gonna stay at mine tonight?'

'If I'm allowed?'

'Always' She leaves a chaste kiss to his lips. 'I seriously need to leave you before we start that all over again' Her brow furrows because she wants to stay out here with him but their friends aren't far away and they're being rude.

'Yeah. I'm gonna just take a minute' His smile becomes shy.

'...ok'

•••

She tries to walk in undetected. Of course all eyes find her.

'Hey'

'Where's thing 2?' Nathan can't resist.

Peyton tries her hand at nonchalance. 'Just checking in with his Mum'

'Don't you mean your mouth?' Nathan replies. Peyton's cheeks are quick to become hot. 'Houses have windows Sawyer' He answers her startled expression. She cringes.

'Sorry'

'Why're you apologising' Brooke laughs. 'Ignore him. He's just pissed cause we're all round and Hales wouldn't let him put the game on' She tugs Peyton down on the sofa she's sat on with Julian and hooks her legs over the blonde's.

'Do you want a drink Peyton?' Haley wonders.

'Erm, actually some water might be good but I can get-'

'No, no' Haley's quick to scarper.

'She ok?' Peyton's brow furrows.

'That's her effort at not looking overly excited at seeing you and Luke making out' Brooke laughs.

Lucas appears then. 'And if it isn't the man of the hour' Nathan claps his hands. 'Nice of you to join us man'

'Er sorry I was-'

'Oh we all know what you've been doing'

His eyes find Peyton's blushing cheeks. 'Well I can hardly be blamed' His feet begin to migrate toward where she's sat.

'No you don't' Nathan is on his feet. 'We've got a small window before she comes back and makes us play monopoly' His hand curls into Lucas's t-shirt and yanks him back. 'We can catch the last half our in the playroom. 'Julian?'

'I'm alright man' Julian bats his hand because in all honesty he'd rather join in on the game of monopoly. Brooke nodding her head in the direction of the men has him reluctantly sighing. 'Brooke-'

'Well don't you want-'

'Ok, ok. Fine' He begrudgingly gets up and traipses after them.

'Why're you making him leave?' Peyton's brow is arched in question.

'He wants to get to know Luke better'

'Aw that'd be cute if he didn't look like you were just forcing him' She smirks.

Haley reappears then. 'Hales didn't Julian just say he wanted to get to know Luke better?'

'Sort of' Peyton laughs as Brooke glares at the young mother. 'What?! Well he clearly does want that but the main vibe was that he missed Peyton'

'Aww' Peyton pouts. 'Did he say that?'

'He's acting like you're his kid sister' Brooke admits.

'Well that's cute. Does he not like Luke?'

'Of course he does they've just not really spent a whole lot of time together have they?'

'No, no you're right. They should. Although I don't really think basket ball is Julian's thing B you coulda just made them go have a drink or something'

'He'll survive I want to hang with my girls'

•••

'Did you have fun with Nate and Julian?' She enquires. She's in her cupboard.

'Uhuh' His voice sounds slightly muffled from her bed. 'I mean they were giving me a hard time'

'About?'

'Being all over you'

She smiles at that. 'Sorry'

He laughs. 'Don't be sorry' He calls back. 'Like I said to them. I won't be sorry for that...he seems protective of you'

'Julian?'

'Uhuh'

'I've spent a lot of time with him and B I guess'

'Yeah'

'Do you like him?'

'Yeah. He seems like a good guy. Brooke's never been happier and that's all that matters too right?'

'Yeah. I think you guys will get on' Her voice isn't as muffled then and his stare naturally averts from the open sketchbook on her desk that he'd just been proudly snooping over. His eyes bug out of his head and he does a double take. She can't help but smile at his expression.

His hands go into his hair. '...What're you...?'

She's standing in the doorway of her walk in closet. Her skirt still on but she's topless and sans bra.

'I just, I, I'm trying to ease myself into...I, I want to feel comfortable with you seeing me naked...is, is that ok?'

'So fucking ok' He nods vigorously.

She smiles because his cheeks have actually flushed with colour and his expression is making her feel at ease. How could it not. He blindly sits on the edge of the bed.

Her finger rises to her mouth. It's an anxious habit she's picked up; biting her nails instead of using said hands more destructively. She's now stopped the biting her nails part but her fingers still find their way to her mouth every now and then.

Her movement garners his attention and his eyes trail back to her face.

'You're so beautiful Peyton. So beautiful'

She doesn't say anything. Shakes her head slightly.

'You are' He contends.

'You make me feel it when you're looking at me like that' She admits.

'Yeah? Good because I mean it. I like really, really mean it'

'I know' She lowers her hand and his eyes are quick to avert back to her chest and then he's dramatically falling back against the mattress with a groan and closing his eyes tight.

She bites her lip, her own cheeks feeling hot.

'I think you might need to put a top on now' He announces.

'Why?'

'Because I'm, my fingers are struggling to do as they're told right now'

'What do your fingers want?' His eyes spring open because her voice has just sounded a hell of a lot nearer.

He gulps because she's beside him and the mattress dips a little as she kneels on the bed, her tight clad legs sliding over him and then she's sat across his chest looking down at him.

He swallows again. Stares at her with a gaping mouth.

'You look like a guppy fish Lucas Scott'

His hands find her legs. Her black denim skirt has rucked up significantly in order for her legs to part and straddle him. 'That's an adequate observation. I think I might be brain dead'

She smiles. 'Always so dramatic...' She reaches for one of his hands. 'These can touch me if they want' She hesitantly presses his fingers to her navel.

He watches her stomach suck in and instantly retracts his hand. 'Sorry. Cold?' He blows on them.

'Not cold Luke'

'No?' He places his hand just to the side of her belly button and trails it lightly up her side and back down. 'Here's my little constellation'

'Your constellation?' She looks down at herself. Watches his fingertip draw a line between 3 freckles.

'Didn't you know I mapped out your whole body? I call this the Bermuda triangle'

She bites her lip to stop herself from laughing. 'Shouldn't that be in another time zone?'

'Peyton Sawyer' He squints at her. 'That has a different name entirely'

Her eyes narrow. 'You can't name parts of my body, especially not that Luke!'

'No?'

'No!' She exclaims.

'Why not?'

'Because it's my body'

'Yes. It is. Nobody is saying you have to use my names'

'You're not sharing the names!'

'I just did. Bermuda triangle' He looks up at her mischievously, his finger trailing between the markings again. 'And this' She startles as his fingertip journeys higher, trailing beneath her left breast and pauses briefly at the centre underside. 'This is the centre circle and it goes up to the halfway line'

'You did not just refer to my boob as a basket ball court'

'No. I referred to the constellation as a basket ball court' He disputes. 'God I didn't think you could better my memory of you but it seems I didn't do you justice'

'Nice save'

'Just truth. Are you ok?'

'Uhuh. I think maybe your absurd mapping is to thank for that'

'Yeah? I can go on. There's the lizard on your back'

She laughs again. 'I don't even have many freckles Luke'

'I know. That's why it's an easy game to play'

'I've probably fucked up your little constellations with all my scars' She's inspecting her arms now. He joins her in regarding the whitish lines. She backtracks. 'Sorry' Hastily drops her arm to her side.

'No' He takes her hand and pulls it back up. Draws her forearm to his mouth and leaves a series of kisses over the jagged lines. 'These make you all the more beautiful to me'

'Liar'

'They do!'

'They make you sad Lucas Scott'

'Well of course they do but also they're a reminder of how strong you are. How you can literally overcome anything. How we can overcome anything. They remind me how lucky I am to still have you. They make me beyond grateful-'

'Alright, alright' She presses her finger to his lips. 'I get the picture'

'I mean it'

'I know you do...I'm sorry'

'What for?'

'That day' She whispers.

He looks up at her. 'I know. Me too'

She shakes her head. 'You have nothing to be sorry for'

'Yes I do. I didn't handle things well' He feels the lump in the back of his throat. 'I see your face as I broke the door down a lot' he admits. 'You were so out of it'

'Yeah I know' She frowns. 'All I was thinking was that it would only hurt you for a little bit longer. That you'd be free'

'Peyton' He shakes his head because she's said that before and whilst he knows she doesn't see things at all the same now he can't help but sometimes fear her past thoughts are lingering beneath the surface and that terrifies him.

'I know that's not how it was at all though' She carries on before he can correct her because she doesn't need correcting. Relief washes over him; his fears are kept at bay. 'You weren't going to be free. I was just making a hellish situation all the more hellish for you all. I was gonna escape but you weren't'

'You weren't well. You couldn't see that'

She nods. 'I know. I'm still so sorry though. I never want to leave you Luke'

'Good. Cause I've lost you one too many a time I don't want to go through that again'

'You won't'

He looks up at her. 'Remember when you first let me see you like this'

'Yeah' She shyly murmurs and settles her hands on his cheeks. 'You told me you had a lot of dreams wrapped up in me that day'

'I still do. Can I tell you that?' He wonders.

She smiles. 'You just did no?'

He smiles back. 'I guess I did. I don't want you to feel anxious about it though. The dream is just to be with you forever. Can I hold you to that'

'I think I can handle that dream' she kisses him sweetly. Nuzzles her nose against his. He eases back as she tries to reconnect their mouthes. Mischief dancing in his eyes as he kisses her chin. Her neck. Trails a path down her collarbone. Her eyes open wider as his mouth navigates parts of her that he'd spent the most part of the last couple of years trying to visualise from his memory.

Her hand soon disappears in the back of his hair, her eyes rolling back a little as she clutches his head to her chest. Feels desire throbbing through her. Tries to get herself impossibly closer.

She makes a familiar noise. A noise he's heard her make before. So long ago now. It's a mewling noise. It's need. He stops kissing the soft skin of her chest. Rests his cheek to the swell of her left breast. Feels her heart racing. He wants to get her tights down and slide his fingers into her. Wants to help her find the release she's seeking. Won't though. Knows what a big deal just baring her chest to him is. 'Your heart's racing'

'Mm' She hums.

He looks up at her. 'You ok beautiful girl?'

'...Yes'

He squints at her because there's a glint in her eye. He sees words dancing unsaid. 'What is it?'

'I just, I want...I want... but I don't...I...' His hand soothes over her cheek. 'I don't know what I want...I feel like such a child'

'You don't feel like a child to me. Don't say that. It makes me feel like I'm being completely inappropriate with you' He's smiling but there's an unease in his eyes.

She shakes her head. 'I didn't mean it like...'

'I know. Can I lift this up a little more?' He's grasping the bottom of her skirt, waits for her nod before he hikes it up further. She rises up on her knees to aid him. Momentarily thinks they should just take it off because it has zero purpose right now. The fabric is no longer tight around the tops her pins, her tight clad legs able to completely open to him. His hands smooth round her thighs to find her backside. 'Come here' He coaxes her back onto him and she gasps because she's no longer constricted. Can feel him straining against his jeans. 'Better?'

'Mm' She murmurs. Wonders if this is horribly uncomfortable for him.

'Stop thinking about me Peyton Sawyer' He hums.

'Seriously, how do you do that?' She whispers.

'Do what?'

'Read my mind'

'It's only easy when you're letting me'

'Who says I'm letting you?'

'I do. As I've already told you, I know exactly what it's like when that walls up high. I hate that wall'

'I never meant to put it up on you'

'I know'

'Aren't you uncomfortable right now?'

'No and yes' He smirks. 'Having you like this...sitting on me' He shakes his head. 'I feel like I'm dreaming'

'You're not'

'No I'm really not. God you're so cute right now'

'Cute' She snorts.

'Uhuh. Your skirt rucked up. Not to mention sexy'

'I'm not that'

'No? You so are and the fact that you don't know it somehow makes it even hotter' He squeezes her backside. She gasps and drops her head to his. 'Ok?'

'Yes' He presses her harder to him, her hips naturally rock in answer to try and relieve the ache. 'Sorry'

He smiles. 'Don't be sorry. Never be sorry'

'I'm being a tease, I just...' She exhales shakily.

'No. You're not'

'But I am' She sighs. 'I don't think I'm ready to try going the whole way and I-'

'I know that. I know what your expectations are ok? And I'm completely prepared for this stopping at any given second'

'I hate that though' She exhales. 'I want to give you what you want and need and-'

'Peyton you are. We're working our way there remember? Stop thinking about me. Don't you know how much I'm loving this right now?'

'...You promise?'

'I promise' He nuzzles his nose against hers. 'I love you'

'I love you' She echoes.

He smiles, seeks out her mouth because he wants to stop her overthinking what her body is doing; he wants to end all thoughts. She kisses him back. Tongue entwining with his in a familiar dance.

She keeps shifting on him, hips rotating in a maddening way.

'Can, can I lay you down a minute'

She's breathing heavily. 'Sorry. Yes'

He smiles. 'Stop with the sorries. I just think I might be able to...' He shifts her onto her back beneath him. Settles on her. 'Make you feel good like...' He inhales sharply because her legs have naturally scissored around him even more and this is better. He can get closer to her like this. He hums. Rocks against her. '...is this ok?'

'Mmm, don't stop'

He smiles. 'Ok' He leaves a kiss to her chin. Lets his eyes drift down her. She's far too caught up in her need to be self conscious at this point. All anxiety seems to have floated away.

Her stomach muscles keep tensing.

His lips are back on her neck.

Her hand gets lost in his hair. Claws.

She whimpers.

'Are you close?' He pants.

'Y-yes' He gazes into her eyes. 'Are you?'

'Mm' A hand finds her tight clad thigh and hoists it higher around him. The other interlaces with the hand that's laying beside her head. He rocks harder against her. Stares at her intensely as they both fall. He drops his forehead to hers. Exhales heavily into her mouth. They're both silent as they try and catch their breath.

'...I love you' She's the one to break it.

'I love you' He smiles. 'Sorry I'm squishing you'

'I like it'

Despite her declaration he shifts to the side of her. 'How you feeling?' She latches her leg over his as she curls onto her side.

'Wonderful if not a little ridiculous?'

'Ridiculous?'

'We should just...I mean we might as well have just done it'

'There's nothing ridiculous about it. Ok? We're going slow because that's what we both need not just you. Ok?'

'...Ok' She mumbles.

He smiles. 'I do need to go shower though' He admits into her shoulder.

'I'm-'

'If sorry is about to follow I don't wanna hear it'

She smiles shyly. '...ok'

'I can't make myself leave you yet though' He hums. Trails his finger around the swell of her chest. Watches her. 'Do you feel comfortable right now?'

'Yeah. You acting like I'm the most beautiful thing in the world is pretty great at making all my insecurities go away'

'That's good. Not acting though. It's just a fact'

'Alright' She smiles, bemusement dancing in her eyes.

'It is!'

'Not as beautiful as you Lucas Scott'

'Beautiful huh?'

'Uhuh. Does it bother you being described as that?' She widens her eyes, a teasing smile on her lips.

He smirks. 'No'

'Liar'

'Not lying'

'You'd not prefer to be called handsome'

He shrugs. 'I'll take whatever complement you want to give me. I don't really think words like that should have a gender'

Her mocking smile morphs into one of adoration. 'Did I tell you I love you?'

'Uhuh. But you can tell me more'

'I love you. You always say things that make me love you even more do you know that?'

'Maybe I'm just telling you what I know you want to hear'

She laughs. 'Well yes but I know when you're doing that' He squints at her in answer. 'Your jaw juts out a little when you're lying' She indulges him. 'It's dead cute'

'I do not lie' His jaw juts out.

She giggles. 'Liar!'

He can't help but smile at her giggling. 'Not really!'

'No not the bad kind of lying' She admits. 'Just the odd white lie, usually to avoid hurting anyone's feelings'

'Everyone does that though'

'Yes' She runs her hand over his cheek. '...I finished where you got up to today'

'Huh?'

'Your book'

'Oh. Right' He suddenly looks apprehensive. In all honesty he'd somewhat forgotten that he'd given her access to the unfinished writings in question. 'Dare I ask for feedback?'

'I don't have feedback' She shakes her head. Smiles. 'I cried. A lot' His head bobs in understanding. Thinks he'd probably do the same if he went back and reread his words. 'The way you write everyone is just...right. Well I think you see me a lot differently to how I see myself' She admits.

'Of course I do because your view of yourself is really inaccurate' He informs her.

'...I dunno about that. But I really, really like the view you had of me-'

'Have'

'Have' She echoes. '...finish it Luke'

'Huh?'

'It shouldn't be left unfinished. Finish it'

'...I don't know how'

'Because you haven't found the ending yet but it does have one. You owe it to Keith. Jimmy. Your Mum. Brooke...me. But mostly you' She decides. 'I know it'll be hard but you can do it'

He squints at her. '...I don't know'

'Think about it...your art matters. It's what got me here' She smirks.

'Alright no teasing'

'I'm serious'

'Sure you are'

'Am...you can write about it...me. I mean' She swallows. Averts her eyes to the ceiling. Frowns. 'Not cause I, not cause I'm so self obsessed that I want you to make it about me but...well it, it happened to you too and I, I think it could help other people and you, you're the only person I'd ever trust to tell it. All of it' She looks back at him then. '...obviously if it's only something you'd want to do. I mean I know it probably doesn't sound like the most appealing thing-'

'I think it'd probably be cathartic in a sense actually' He interrupts. '...I'll think about it'

She smiles. '...ok'

'If I did do that it doesn't mean anything is going to happen with it anyway'

'Of course it would. It's publishable as it is Luke' He snorts and laughs. 'It is!'

'Alright, alright. Well I wouldn't try and do that with out your approval anyway...'

'I know...you wanna watch a film?'

He smiles. 'Yes. But I do need that shower'

'Yes. Go'

He makes a little groan of displeasure because dragging himself away from her when she's lying beside him sans top is hard. Drops his head and leaves a kiss to her heart. 'You're beautiful' He tells her sincerely. Kisses her lips sweetly. 'I'll be right back. You choose a film. But not something crap'

She makes an outraged face then. 'Lucas Scott I never make crap choices when it comes to films'

'Sure'

She whacks him with a pillow then. 'Take that back'

He's scrambled upright and off the bed under her attack, a chuckle sounding in the back of his throat. 'Well I'll review your case when I see what choice you make on my return Miss Sawyer!'