Synchronized Heartbeats
Written By: TCOOKIES777
Chapter 41: The End of Her Dream
Gou had been walking aimlessly for some time now, heading towards the unknown and going nowhere no matter how many steps she'd taken. The frigid air carried the salt of the sea with it, guiding her onward alongside the white tide. When she glanced over her shoulder, any hint of her presence on the shore remained absent and without a print. Still, she walked on, letting her feet sink into the cold grains of the sand. Peering once more into the distance, Gou sighed again when she saw nothing but more sand with no sun to meet the horizon's edge. But in this lucid dream of hers, her own body continued to move forward as that was the only option she had; to keep on going even when there was nothing for her ahead.
Tipping her face back, she inhaled that sea salt breeze, letting it fill her lungs in the hopes that it could cleanse her body of all that was wrong in her. Because there was so much wrong. She was wrong. There was something awfully, terribly wrong about her and Gou hated herself for it. Hated herself for falling in love with the one person she was not allowed to have. And anyone could say that it was Rin who was at fault for leading Gou into temptation but, in truth, him being the older sibling had nothing to do with who was responsible for her current predicament. It was she who had initiated that first innocent kiss over a spoon of porridge. It was she who'd taken advantage of Rin by using her fever as an excuse.
Gou knew that if there was anyone to blame, it was her.
It had been the tiny little moments between her and her brother throughout the years. A culmination of yearning looks, lingering touches, tender whispers, and an ache in the heart whenever either one of them was away from the other for too long. Ripples of an innocent love that had, over time, built into a storm of raging passion, flooding every fiber of her being with something she could not hope to contain. It felt as if the storm had brought with it a beast that could not be tamed—a beast that howled for her mate.
Shuddering despite not feeling the cold, Gou crossed her arms and took a moment of reprieve from her pointless journey.
"Beautiful, isn't it?" A sudden voice interrupted her silent break.
Gou turned, jumping in shock when she laid her eyes upon her father of all the people who could appear in her dream. "O-Otou...san?"
"I could never tire of this view," Mr. Matsuoka said, smiling lightly as he tossed something past the receding tide.
Frowning, she followed his gaze to the bleak horizon where the edge of the sea met the dull grey of the sky. Puzzled as to what beautiful view he was admiring, she asked, "What's beautiful?"
Her father seemed surprised by the inquiry as if the answer was staring right back at them. He pointed straight ahead. "That!" But when Gou made no sign of understanding, he asked, "You really don't see it?"
"The ocean?"
"No."
"The sky?"
"No!"
"Then what?" She demanded with a hint of ire now.
But Mr. Matsuoka merely shook his head, grimacing in disappointment. Without another word, he leaned down to grab something from the sandy back and proceeded to toss it into the sea. When he did it again, Gou couldn't help but ask as to what he was doing.
"What do you think I'm doing?" He returned the question.
She answered whilst observing him repeat the whole process a third time. "You're… throwing the starfish back into the sea?"
There was something familiar about this. It felt as if the answer was poised on the tip of her tongue, but she struggled to think coherently in a dream. She had been too young when her father had died, so there weren't too many memories to pick through. But had Mr. Matsuoka ever mentioned anything about starfish before his untimely death? Yes, she was ashamed to realize it had taken her a while to remember. "You once told me and Onii-chan a bedtime story like this…. A man meets a young boy tossing starfish back into the ocean. At first, the man doesn't understand why the boy is doing such a thing when there are too many starfish on the shore to make much of a difference. But then the boy explains that he made all the difference in the world for that starfish he returned to the sea, and every starfish after."
The apparition of her father nodded, smiling brightly. "Spend too much time staring at the whole picture and you overlook the details that make up the beauty of it. It's the little things that matter."
"I hadn't heard of that story in a long time," she said quietly. "Only when you told it to me… That was the first and last time."
"You're still too occupied trying to figure out the whole picture, Gou," said her father.
At first, she bristled at the chiding remark just as she would've done at the age she was when Mr. Matsuoka had died. But then the ire passed just as quickly, replaced by the desire to decipher what he meant by that, so she asked him.
"I can't spoon feed you all the answers. You're a big girl now, right?"
Somehow, the question felt like he'd rubbed salt into an old wound, and Gou grit her teeth in response. He must've noticed the apprehensive look on her face because his smile turned apologetic.
"Hmm, all right. Then let me tell you another story… A story of love between a hound and a hare," her father stepped away from the tide, sitting on the bank and gesturing Gou to follow. Once she was seated at his side, legs crossed like she'd often done so in her primary school days, he began to tell her a story unlike all the other childish tales he'd once entertained her with. "There once was a hound who was always chasing after a certain hare. The hare runs from the hound who doesn't hunt it for sport or food but because he simply yearns for it. The hound is fully aware that the hare would never return his feelings, yet he still pursues. There are countless other animals for the hound to pleasure himself with, but only with the hare can he experience the pleasure of true love," he paused to give Gou a moment to process the strange story, and then continued. "So, say that kisses are a form of love as pleasure. Do you kiss the person you truly love, even when you know there can be no future for you both? Or do you kiss someone you don't love, just so that you are able to enjoy the pleasure of love?"
Biting her bottom lip, she mulled over the question, still perplexed by the sudden turn of the conversation. Finding herself not entirely certain of an answer, she said, "Love can't be measured in kisses though. Kisses last only for as long as they are given."
"You're right. Kisses are only a fleeting pleasure; a materialistic sort of happiness that can be bought, but just as easily perish. Love exists only in the moment of that kiss."
"So if all I receive are kisses, then eventually I'd become numb to it all."
"What's wrong with becoming numb?" Mr. Matsuoka tipped his head, smiling with interest. "You'd be able to avoid the pain that accompanies love. After all, a frozen heart lasts forever."
Her brows began to knit together. "Isn't that the same as death?"
"Is it? But you can experience the pleasure of as many kisses as your frozen heart desires. Wouldn't a fleeting life like that be worth it?"
Gou's gaze swept back to the dream of her father beside her, but her breath caught in her throat when the image of Mr. Matsuoka's garnet locks, vibrant eyes, and sharp smile were suddenly all too reminiscent of another Matsuoka. One who bore a striking resemblance to his own father as he grew older, but minus the glasses. Swallowing back her brother's name, Gou ripped her focus away from the dead man and back towards the pale sea. "That's… That's suicide," she mumbled.
"So is chasing a hare that you'll never catch," Mr. Mastuoka replied and, suddenly, Gou thought his voice was starting to sound too similar to Rin's. "Only with kisses, it wouldn't be a slow and agonizing death—no, it would feel like ecstasy. So, keep kissing more and more until you die of pleasure."
"But it's not pleasure that I want most. I want..." She found herself touching the tips of her fingers to her lips, imagining the sensation of being kissed… imagining her brother's warm lips on hers. "I want love. True love."
"True love—ideal love," he shrugged, "you think that's possible?"
"No," admitted Gou. "Also, you never said how the story of the hound and the hare ends."
"Because there is no end. The hound chases the hare forever. The hare is never caught."
"So isn't that the point of the story then? That there's no such thing as obtaining an ideal love?"
"Why not?"
"That kind of happiness…." She began to trace a heart in the space between them if only to comfort herself. "That kind of happiness can't exist in this world. Maybe… across time and space, that sort of love can transcend to somewhere it can thrive but..."
But not here, she thought. Not in this world.
"Well," he mused aloud, "those small ripples across time and space might just make all the difference that's needed. Enough difference to make that kind of dream come true. Just like the story of the boy and the starfish."
Gou couldn't hold back her laughter. "Are you saying that love is some sort of magical power? That happy-ever-afters do exist because of it?"
"Ah, you're laughing now," he shook his head, raising a finger in gesture, "but don't the fairy tales always prove that love is the strongest magic there is?"
"Otou-san, I'm not a little girl anymore. You can't fool me with childish stories," she said, rolling her eyes. "Besides, this isn't a fairy tale and I'm definitely not a princess."
"That's not true! Gou will always be my little princess."
"Otou-san!" she whined, embarrassment rushing hot in her face.
This time, it was her father's turn to laugh and the deep chuckles stirred awake a warm feeling in her chest that Gou hadn't felt in a long time. Slicking back the dark red locks of his hair just like Rin often did, Mr. Matsuoka said, "Well, you never answered my question."
"What's the point in answering if my ideal love seems to be an impossible dream?"
"To begin to understand something as abstract as love, ask yourself this question: Is what you're feeling simply the thrill of the chase? Or, once the game is over and the hare is caught, would you still have the same feelings as you did when you were chasing it?"
Sensing the serious tone laced in his question, Gou took the time to evaluate the romantic relationship she'd begun with Rin. Looking back on it now, she supposed it wasn't exactly a smart idea to start off their relationship with unprotected sex. A part of her wanted to blame their raging teen hormones that prompted them to go at it like rabbits but, if she had to be honest, Gou had enjoyed the sex far more than she would dare to admit. Her brother's sensual touches thrilled her in a way nothing or no one else ever could. Every time he'd been inside her, it was as if he guided her to new places, letting Gou discover new things about herself and her body with just the flick of his finger or tongue, or just the roll of his hips.
But to Gou, the sex wasn't pleasurable because it was sex. No, she loved the sex because it wasn't just sex but rather love. Yes, she thought it was more accurate to call it 'making love' and that was what made the experience so gratifying that she could not stop wanting more of it. Because she was able to do it with the man she loved.
How could a false, fleeting pleasure like the kisses of a nobody ever compare to the pleasure that true love could give?
"I'm the hound," Gou spoke aloud, finally finding an answer to the question.
She was the hound in a story where her ideal love was impossible to obtain; always chasing for something that could never be hers.
"Ah, what am I thinking?! This is just stupid! I—" Turning to her father, Gou stopped when she saw he no longer sitting beside her but, instead, was already a long distance away. She squinted at the retreating figure further down the bank and quickly stood up. "Otou-san? Otou-san!"
When the ghost of her father didn't stop for her, she moved to run after him, following the footprints left in his wake. But while Mr. Matsuoka continued walking at his regular pace, Gou seemed to be moving through water, her limbs heavy and slow against the tide of time. No matter how hard she pushed herself to catch up, she knew it was pointless to chase after a ghost. Her father was long gone.
But the dream would not let her stop.
.
.
.
When she finally roused from her deep slumber, the first thing Gou noticed was the mix of odors that assailed her nose. The saturation of alcohol, mingling with the acrid body odor that lingered in the room.
The room…
This isn't my room, she realized, opening her heavy lids only to squint at the bright fluorescent light illuminating the unfamiliar space she occupied. She gasped, jolting forward, fully awake now and confused as to where she was. A sharp throb in her head had her regretting the sudden movement and she hissed, her back thumping against the pillows in surrender.
"You're awake," someone said nearby.
"Sou…" Her throat was dry and while trying to work some saliva back into her mouth, she heard a hurried shuffle before a plastic straw was pressed to her lips. Lukewarm water filled her mouth before she swallowed it down, briefly pausing at the strange flavor that was unlike the water she drank at home. Several gulps later, she sucked in a breath before opening her eyes to gaze upon her friend. "Hey…"
"Hey," Sousuke murmured back. "How are you feeling?"
"Sore… My head hurts," she kept her voice to a minimum to preserve what little strength she had. "Is this… the hospital?"
"Yeah," he nodded. "You've got a light concussion. Are you in any pain?"
Gou shook her head, wincing in regret. "No, just sore. What happened?"
Teal eyes slid to the cardiac monitor at the side where he could study the steady peaks of her heart rate. The pause was filled with the fixed beep of the monitor and, in that moment, she noticed how Sousuke's face had suddenly become guarded. "What do you remember?" he turned the question towards her.
Chewing her lip in thought, she spoke slowly, "I'm not sure… There was a strong wind and I just… I remember trying to catch the only photo I had left of the ultrasound and then…"
"And then?"
"And then…" Gou gasped, and she drew her hands to her belly only to let out a sharp groan from the sudden movement. Sousuke was instantly at her side, pulling her hands away from her body and mumbling words to calm her down as her panic rose out in frantic breaths. "My baby!"
"Careful! You've got a bruised rib," he said. "Take it easy now or you'll hurt yourself."
Turning a wide-eyed gaze to him, she asked, "Sousuke-kun… M-My baby… Is my baby… okay?" When he refused to meet her eyes, she called to him again, speaking his name in a trembling whisper.
"I… I'm gonna get someone, okay?" he said, but that wasn't the answer she was looking for. Squeezing her hand, Sousuke stood up and she didn't miss that contrite smile that had been his poor attempt for reassurance.
Once the door clicked close behind him, Gou took in her surroundings. It'd been far too long since the last time she'd been within a hospital room and it left feelings of discomfort and unfamiliarity despite knowing she was in good hands. From beyond the room, she could hear the deep, frustrated voice of Sousuke speaking to someone. Though she couldn't make out the words exactly, she could tell by his tone that there wasn't any good news, which wouldn't be so terrifying had there not been any bad news either.
"Ouch," she muttered when reaching for that cup of water, the sharp ache in her ribs returning with a vengeance.
She made sure to keep her hands away from her stomach, too afraid to even peel back the sheets and assess her injuries. The pain that racked her body was enough concern and thinking too much about the extent of her injuries only worsened the throbbing of her head. With a sigh, she waited, her dread thickening in her veins with every tick of the clock that hung across from her. Peering to the nearby window, she stared at the falling snow and waited for Sousuke to come back, if only so that she didn't have to suffer alone in the silence. But when the door opened again, it wasn't Sousuke who greeted her but a woman in a white coat who introduced herself as Dr. Suzuki.
What followed next left Gou feeling entirely numb as if she was lying in the snow once again.
He sped through the hallways of the hospital as fast as he was permitted to, knowing that running was not allowed despite each of his limbs tense with the urge to do so. Having often visited Sousuke for his frequent checkups with his shoulder, Rin knew every twist and turn for every ward. Familiar faces of nurses smiled or greeted him, but Rin had no time to stop for them.
Mrs. Matsuoka had already been contacted and informed of Gou's accident, but she was still stuck in New York since all the earliest flights were already full. The earliest she could arrive home was in a week—maybe less if she got lucky.
"Sousuke!" Rin called to his friend, jogging the last few feet over to him.
Sousuke stood straighter from the wall he'd been leaning against, uncrossing his arms only to cross them again when he noticed the stuffed shark Rin held in under his arm. The narrow of those teal eyes bordered on a glare as Sousuke spat out, "The hell, Rin? You had time to pass by the gift shop while Gou—"
"No, this is just Rin-chan! I mean," heat filled Rin's cheeks as he tried to explain, "it's Gou's. I just thought she might want it. To make her feel better, y'know?"
He was already starting to regret bringing the stuffed shark along, but then Sousuke had to rub some salt on his wounded pride by adding, "You do remember that your sister is seventeen—not seven anymore—right?"
"I know that!" Rin sputtered, but in the back of his mind lingered the faint memory of his father cheering up an ill Gou with stuffed animals and speaking through them like a puppet show. Rubbing the back of his neck, he asked quietly, "So… how is she?"
"The doctor is speaking with her right now. What I know so far is that she's got a light concussion, bruised ribs, and a minor ankle sprain, but…"
"But what?"
Sousuke hesitated. "Ah, no, it's just… Gou is… I think she's just a bit traumatized by the accident. I'm not sure if she's in the mood to see you..."
"Well, it's no surprise she's shaken up," Rin scoffed, "but all the more reason for me to see her. And I… I appreciate that you were there with Gou when she got into that accident, but I have to wonder why?"
Rin held back a frown when he noticed his friend stiffening suddenly. "What do you mean?"
This time, Rin did frown at the way Sousuke feigned ignorance. "What do I mean? I mean, why was she out so early? What were you doing with her this early in the morning? I know Gou and she's usually sleeping in at this time."
The longer Sousuke refused to meet his eye, the more suspicion stirred in Rin's gut as he waited for an answer. But his friend's shoulders were stiff with reluctance and Rin could only watch as Sousuke seemed to fumble for an answer that should've been simple and easy to give. This was starting to agitate him and Rin clicked his tongue aloud. But when he saw that Sousuke had no intention to tell the truth, he snapped.
"Damn it, Sousuke!" Rin grabbed the front of Sousuke's sweater and pulled him hard enough so that his friend now stood on tiptoes despite his tall height. Those around turned to stare so Rin hissed low under his breath, "Just tell me what happened with Gou!"
"I told you all you need to know," Sousuke replied through gritted teeth. "She was in a hurry to cross the street since the timer was about to finish. She tripped when the light turned green and a careless driver forgot that pedestrians have the right of way and ended up hitting Gou."
"And was that bastard caught?" Rin demanded.
Before Sousuke could say anything, a woman in a white coat stepped out of Gou's room and raised her brows at the two men who seemed to be in the midst of an altercation. The mild expression on her face immediately turned strict as she crossed her arms at them. "May I remind you that there are patients in need of rest here? This is a hospital. If you boys want to start something, take it to the bar."
Shame quickly replaced the suspicion and fury that'd simmered low in Rin's gut. "Sorry, Sensei," he let go of Sousuke to bow low in apology. Straightening up and brushing his bangs back to regain his composure, he asked the doctor quietly, "How is Gou?"
"Are you family?"
"Yes, her brother."
"Your sister will be fine for the most part," Dr. Suzuki said. "But try not to stress her out any more than she already is. She's a bit banged up, but she'll be prescribed some pain medications."
"Her ribs are just bruised, right? No fracture?" Sousuke asked.
"Yes, and if she experiences any pain or chest spams when breathing then that's to be expected. Her ankle will take a few days to a week or two before it gets better and her ribs will take about a month. But unlike her ankle, we can't just wrap her ribcage. The best Gou can do for treatment is a good amount of rest and restrict any physical activity as much as possible.
"How soon can she be released?"
"Tomorrow, I expect."
Rin and Sousuke glanced at each other and Rin decided it was his turn to inquire. "It's nothing that serious, right? She can't be released today?"
"We just need to finish running some tests, that's all." The doctor gave him a well-practiced placating smile. "Now, I'm afraid I must—"
"But what about the bast—" Rin caught himself. "The driver who hit Gou… Have they caught him?"
"As far as I know, no charges are being pressed, but that's something you should speak to your sister about instead of me." Dr. Suzuki checked her watch before nodding to the boys. "Now, if you'll excuse me…"
Sousuke and Rin stepped aside to let the doctor pass through before Rin stooped down to pick up the stuffed shark he'd dropped upon grabbing Sousuke earlier. A few awkward seconds ticked by until Sousuke gave a relenting sigh and tipped his head in the direction of Gou's room. "Go on then," he said. "But you heard Sensei—be careful not to stress her out."
Slowly, Rin nodded, feeling the tension that'd built between them before the doctor's interruption seep away as quickly as it had appeared. Squeezing Rin-chan tight in his hand—practically choking the life out of the stuffed animal—Rin stepped into the quiet room. The door closed silently behind him as his eyes instantly focused onto the young girl in bed, her own gaze turned to the window where the snow could be seen still falling. He took in her current state—the pale cheeks that were usually dusted pink with life, the fresh bandages that wrapped her head, the way her petite figure seemed to sink into the white sheets of the bed.
But what really made his heart stutter with worry was the broken expression on his sister's face. As he suspected, he knew there was something more to the truth than what Sousuke had told him.
Slowly approaching the bed, Rin knelt and raised Rin-chan over the edge of the bed rail, speaking in a pitched voice, "What's a pretty girl like you looking so sad for? Is it 'cause you're lonely? Don't worry, I brought a friend!" He stood to reveal himself, smiling gently at the girl now gazing at him instead of the window. Reaching a hand out, Rin gingerly tucked back a loose piece of hair behind her ear, whispering, "Hey."
"You're back…" Gou murmured, garnet eyes widening in surprise, but the usual light in them was absent.
"Sorry it took me longer than expected," he said, sitting in the chair beside the bed where he could easily touch her if he or she wanted. "But I'm here now."
"You're late," she spoke curtly.
Knowing there was nothing he could say that would appease her, he gave Gou an apologetic smile instead, hoping they could avoid a repeat of the argument they'd had over the phone. "The doctor said you have a concussion, some bruised ribs, and an ankle sprain," he decided to change the topic to one he was more interested in. "Wanna tell me how you got hurt?"
Maybe he'd asked too soon because Gou pressed her lips together and looked down where her fingers were twisting anxiously. "Car hit me when I was trying to cross. It was just an accident."
"And what about the driver? You know if he's been caught yet?"
Gou shook her head. "No charges are being pressed. I told you, it was entirely an accident. Besides, the insurance will cover most of the hospital bill and…"
"And?"
"And apparently Sousuke paid off the rest," she mumbled.
A silence fell between them as Rin sat there, befuddled by this revelation of his best friend's generosity. Of course, Sousuke was a good guy and Rin trusted him enough to look after his sister in his stead. Still, something like paying for Gou's hospital bill was too much even as a friend. It wasn't like his friend was particularly rich or anything, so then why had Sousuke done it? There was also no way Gou would've asked him for a favor as big as that, Rin knew that much at least.
I'll ask Sousuke about it later.
"Well, I'm just glad you're okay," he said instead, sliding a hand across the bed to touch Gou's, only to stop when she pulled her hand back to scratch her cheek. He peered at her face, finding a strange coldness in her expression that he'd never seen before until now. It was like looking at a stranger who wore his sister's face and used her voice. Even that vibrant gaze of hers was turned to the window once more as if she didn't know him. "Gou… look at me."
Her jaw feathered with tension, but she turned tired eyes to him. Rin wanted to ask her what was wrong. To demand the full truth from those lips that seemed to tremble, holding back whatever secrets from him. But instead of taking Gou's hand in his own, or pressing a reassuring kiss to her lips, he merely raised a hand to sweep back her tangled hair.
"Are you in any pain?" Rin asked gently.
He didn't know what he did wrong, but suddenly, Gou's hand squeezed into a fist, wan lips tightening into a hard line. Her body seemed to lock up, and she flicked those dull eyes back to the window. All Rin received in answer was a subtle shake of the head.
"Is there anything I can do for you?" he tried.
He would do anything—anything—to get her to stop looking that way. The same way she looked when the news of their father's death had been announced. Like a part of her had died.
She was quiet for a moment before whispering, "Can you bring Sousuke-kun back in here?"
Disappointment shot through his heart at the request for his friend instead of himself, but hearing how her voice had wavered with barely restrained emotion made Rin relent. He shot his sister an amicable smile even though she was still looking away, and stood up to heed her request. Before leaving, he dared to take a lock of her hair in his hand and kiss the vibrant strands, letting the faint scent of strawberries tickle his nose. Seeing no response from his sister, he did nothing else but leave, his gut instinct telling him that was what she truly wanted from him.
"Did you tell him?" Sousuke asked, sitting back in his chair where he'd sat the entire time Gou had been unconscious.
The young Matsuoka girl shook her head. She was staring down at her hands—no, not her hands. Sousuke realized she was staring down at her belly which remained covered by the thick bedsheets. She'd been fingering the bandages wrapped around her head when he walked back into the room, but she hadn't checked the rest of her injuries yet.
They both knew what they would find beneath the sheets.
"I spoke with Suzuki-sensei." With shaky hands, Gou touched her baby bump. She swallowed hard, but her voice still came out hoarse and quiet as she raised her glassy stare to him and said, "I lost the baby."
And there it was.
He'd known the truth hours before she'd awaken. He had known the truth the moment he'd laid eyes on her broken form lying in the snow with her blood staining the white. He had known when the EMTs had rushed her into the hospital as he explained to them her pregnant state and how he was the father of the child. He'd seen the sympathetic looks everyone had cast towards him, assuming he was the father who had just lost his unborn child.
But what hurt him more than the untimely, gruesome death of an innocent life was knowing that Gou would have to bear such a burden for the rest of her life. Had she gone through with the abortion, at least that would've been a decision she had made and could live with. But losing her child in such an unexpected and tragic way had ripped that decision away from her.
He reached out and laid his hand atop of where hers still remained on her belly. "I'm so sorry," Sousuke whispered.
Gou's face crumpled in an instant and she raised both hands in a poor attempt to conceal her agony. "Me too," she sobbed.
"Is there anything I can do?" Sousuke asked gently.
"The, uh… The remains of the f-fetus need to be cleaned out from me," she sucked in a shaky breath, but the tears kept spilling down pale cheeks and dripping onto the bedsheets. He was half-tempted to let his free hand wipe away those tears, but he wasn't sure if now was the best time. Not when her glassy stare was on him, but not exactly focusing on him. "I was told that since I… since I lost the baby in the second trimester… then my only option is SMM—or that's what Suzuki-sensei called it."
"SMM?"
"Surgical management of… of miscarriage," she whispered, wetting her lips. "It's a, uh… an operation to remove the…."
"Oh…"
"Suzuki-sensei explained that, after administering the anesthesia, the abortionist will use a speculum to… open me up." She didn't have to explain in detail the procedure itself, and Sousuke had certainly never prompted her to, but he knew why she did so anyway. It was the only way Gou could express the pain she was going through. The only way she could get him to understand the sort of hell she was in right now. Crying wasn't her thing, but it was also something out of her control. Sharing such painful knowledge was the one thing she could control in this situation at least. "In a short while, they're going to prepare me for the surgery. They'll insert this thing—'laminaria' is what it's called, I think. They'll put it in me, and I have to keep it inside for the next twenty-four hours."
Sousuke's brows pinched together. "Lamin… what is that?"
"Laminaria," she corrected him with a sad smile. "Suzuki-sensei said it's a sterilized seaweed that absorbs water and swells in size. It has to be placed through my cervix to help prepare and keep it stretched open for the surgery. There will be a suction machine with a catheter to draw out the amniotic fluid and then…" Suddenly, Gou's face blanched as if she had been hit with the urge to vomit. A hard shudder ran through her small figure, leaving her a small, trembling thing seemingly half-buried by the bedsheets. But then she let out a dry laugh, "Ah, that's what I get for asking Sensei to be completely honest with me. A Sopher clamp! After sucking out the amniotic fluid, this metal clamp with teeth for gripping will be inserted into my womb to… to…. To pull out… the remains of my ba—" she shook her head. "To pull out the remains of the fetus."
Sousuke remembered reading of such a procedure when researching about pregnancies, miscarriages, and abortions. But from the leaflet he'd read, it'd been called a 'D & E' procedure: Dilation and Evacuation. Although, 'surgical management' did sound less intimidating and he guessed that the latter term was a more appropriate jargon for patients like Gou. Still, nothing could ever be enough to help a pregnant woman—especially one as young as Gou—cope with the sudden loss of her unborn child. Sousuke could not imagine what it felt like to have a belly swollen with life one minute… and then carrying death the next minute.
And although he felt pity for the poor lost soul and its young mother, he was not the father who had suffered this loss. This wasn't his unborn child who had died. It was hard to imagine if, had he been the biological father hoping—or even expecting—for the birth of his and Gou's firstborn, then what sort of pain would he be feeling right now? How much different would that level of pain be from the one he was currently in?
Rin was a lucky bastard to be spared of such pain due to his blissful ignorance.
"And you know what else?" Gou added, smiling wryly. "After my womb is scraped clean tomorrow… apparently, I'll still experience the pregnancy symptoms for the next week or so. Yup… Just what I need: a reminder of… of what I had. What Onii-chan and I could've had."
At that, Sousuke looked sharply to her. Clasping her hands in his, he shook his head and said, "Forget Rin. Whatever you need from him, I can be the one to give you that. Gou, I'll be there for you when he can't. Anything you want… I'll do anything for you."
Finally, she looked at him—really looked at him. Although they were dull and lifeless just earlier, those eyes of hers seemed to flicker with something as she took a moment to consider the determination pressed into the reticent handsomeness of his face. Her garnet gaze filled with an intensity that was unfamiliar to him before it winked out just as quickly as he'd caught it.
"Stay," she asked of him. "Will you stay with me? Until it's over."
"I will," Sousuke promised quietly.
And he did… as well as Rin.
The room was stifled with tension whenever both her brother and Sousuke were with her, but whenever Rin left to run an errand or make a call, she could forget about her worries for just a moment with Sousuke at her side. He talked about the most mundane things: the stray neighborhood dogs who kept crapping on the sidewalk of his house; the Obaa-chan down the street who'd visit him with oranges from her backyard despite her bad knee; how strawberries were ridiculously expensive these days. At some point, she found herself saying, "I had a dream the other day…"
Sousuke had tipped a brow at the sudden turn of the conversation towards something more personal. "You did?"
"Yeah, it was a… strange dream."
"What about?"
"My father," Gou said, and Sousuke's fingers paused against one of the apples Rin had brought for her. She shook her head and turned to look through the window. "But I don't really remember what happened in the dream. I just know my father was there… and then he was gone."
He didn't say anything to that, but simply nodded in understanding. Gou didn't know why she had suddenly decided to mention something so trivial. It'd just been a stupid dream that she couldn't even recall the details of anymore. But Sousuke hadn't reacted to her strange behavior and, instead, continued to act normal around her. That was what she needed more than anything right now. To pretend that everything was fine and normal for her even if it was all a lie.
For the rest of the day, Sousuke was careful to never broach the subject of the accident.
Good, Gou thought as she watched him peel an apple. She wanted to keep it that way. After all, nothing could be said that would prepare her for tomorrow's operation first thing in the morning.
The only thing they'd discussed involving her situation was the plan to keep Rin far away from Gou as she underwent the operation. It'd been Sousuke who'd come up with the idea to bring Rin along to his impromptu shoulder check-up with Dr. Yamahara. She did not need Rin wondering where she'd gone and what had happened for her to have to leave the room. It would be a headache to explain and her head was still hurting since whatever meds they'd given her had long since faded.
Thankfully, her brother had not talked to her too much since the last chat they'd shared. Gou still didn't know if that was a good thing or not. Was Rin just waiting until they got home to ask questions? Or perhaps he'd sensed her mood and had decided to give her some space first. Either way, Gou did her best to avoid talking to him. Every time she tried to do so, her bottom lip would tremble, and a horrid ache would have Gou grasping her belly. The most communication she'd given him all day had been a few nods, some 'hmm's', and a shrug or two. He never complained or called her out on her coldness—not once. For some reason, it pissed Gou off even more to see him so quiet and calm in a time like this.
When it got late in the night and visiting hours came to close, Rin wordlessly tucked the bedsheets around her, placed Rin-chan snug against her side, tucked her hair back, and pressed a warm kiss to her cheek. Despite the silence, she could sense that he wanted to tell her something. Still, she said nothing, keeping her eyes closed even when she heard him sigh and then murmur 'good night' so close to her lips. A moment passed, but the lingering stare she felt on her face had Gou squeezing her eyes shut until she heard the gentle click of the door closing.
The rest of the night passed peacefully with the nurse passing by occasionally to check on things. Gou should've been able to sleep well, knowing she was safe and well taken care of in the hands of professionals. It should've been easy for her to submit to a dark slumber but it was, in fact, the opposite. There was a strange emptiness inside her that kept Gou awake all night.
An endless void that threatened to swallow her whole.
Hours passed by as Gou lay there, waiting for that monster lurking in her darkness to take her. But then the light came in the early morning, as did a doctor and a few nurses, each carrying some papers and a well-practiced smile of sympathy.
When they began to put her under the anesthesia, the strangers in scrubs tried to take a minute to make small talk with her. Did she have any hobbies? Clutching the folds of her blanket tightly, Gou struggled to clear her mind for an answer. 'Muscles', she'd answered in a distracted slur as the anesthesia took effect. Her mind went blank. She continued to lay there, teetering between the murky borders of a restless slumber and the nightmare of reality. Cold metal bit into her body, accompanied by the sound of tools rattling nearby and the low voices of other people. The steady beep of the monitor echoed loud, but not enough to divert her attention from what was happening. Mentally, Gou tensed from the intrusive force sliding into Gou so deep—just slightly more so than Rin had ever been within her—but her body remained forcibly relaxed and cooperative, feet lax against the stirrups.
Under the anesthesia, she could not cry.
But in the darkness of her mind, Gou wept.
And when she awoke sometime later, in her own little corner of an otherwise filled room sectioned by pale blue curtains, Gou found her eyes dry of tears just like her cheeks. A woman peeled back the curtain, carrying a tray of snacks and drinks. She advised Gou to drink the cup of water she set on the bedside table, and then allowed her to pick a choice of pudding: chocolate or vanilla.
She picked chocolate.
But then she slipped that first spoonful of creamy chocolate into her mouth, and she could taste nothing but the angry tears she'd hid from Rin. Salt coated Gou's lips as she sat there, silently eating at her duty.
And for all that Gou ate, nothing filled that terrible emptiness within her.
A/N: The reason why Dr. Suzuki doesn't inform Rin of his sister's miscarriage situation is because of the HIPAA privacy rule. I don't know how the healthcare system works in Japan, but generally speaking, according to HIPAA's Privacy Rule, the doctor is permitted to disclose a patient's health status, treatment, or payment arrangements with the patient's family and friends UNLESS the patient is available and is capable (of making health care decisions) to OBJECT. In this case, while Dr. Suzuki was speaking privately with Gou (and Rin and Sousuke were outside talking with each other), Gou had requested Dr. Suzuki to NOT disclose the part about her miscarriage. Also, remember that in Chapter 26, Gou called her family's insurance company to make her EOB (Explanation of Benefits) information private. This means that Mrs. Matsuoka cannot see the details of the services that Gou is receiving, which ultimately means her mom won't know about Gou's Surgical Management of Miscarriage procedure.