Thank you so much IamTheAlleyCat for beta'ing and Ncsupnatfan for pre-reading.

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Chapter Twenty-Five

Bella

"We're almost there now," Jasper said into the quiet that was only broken by the gentle hum of the CD playing that neither of us were really listening to.

I straightened a little more in my seat and looked out of the window. I hadn't truly been paying attention to what I had been seeing as we'd driven, though we'd passed some of the most spectacular scenery I'd ever seen. I'd noticed it all in a peripheral way, my new enhanced sight taking in the views but my mind not really processing them.

I looked properly now, though, and my breath caught in my throat. It was magnificent. We were driving along the shore of a rushing river in a valley. The high hills either side of us were lush and green with occasional rocky outcroppings where you could sit and just absorb the beauty around you. Directly ahead was a mountain range with snowy caps.

"It's really something to see, isn't it?" Jasper asked with a smile.

"Yes," I breathed. "It's incredible."

"It's the same at night. The stars in the park, away from light pollution, are like nothing I can explain, and the Northern Lights." He turned to me and grinned. "Alice loves them."

"Great," I said enthusiastically. "I've always wanted to see them."

Jasper turned back to the road, still smiling. I knew he probably thought he had succeeded, had somehow 'cheered me up' and distracted me from what was happening back in Astoria. He hadn't.

Edward had called the evening before and said Charlie had visited. It had gone as well as it was possible for things to go, given the circumstances; Charlie had stayed a long time, and they'd made sure to impart my final message that I had been happy. There had been something I wasn't expecting, though: they were planning to hold a funeral. Of course, there was no body, but they were arranging some kind of memorial service for my friends and family, and Charlie wanted them there.

I understood his desire, and I could deny him nothing, but it meant Edward's arrival was delayed by a further three days to what I had expected. That was difficult. As much as I wanted him to be there for Charlie, to do what I couldn't, I missed him and wanted him with me, too.

I felt guilty that there was any kind of need for a service. It was stupid to continue to beat myself up about it, but had I just been a little more careful, none of this would have happened. I would still be able to see them all, I would be able to go to work, to share a beer with my friends, to see all the people I loved. I would be human still.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Jasper asked.

"No," I said quickly, then tacked on a polite, "Thank you."

Jasper sighed. "You need to talk, Bella. It may not feel like it, but it will help. It's hard enough to be a newborn without taking into account everything you've lost. Just because you're the most controlled newborn I've ever seen, it doesn't make you immune to the overwhelming emotions. You need to talk."

Disregarding his last statement, I asked another question. "How do you know so much about newborns? They all defer to you like you're the expert. How come?"

"Probably because I am," he said with a wry smile. "My change was nothing like any of my family's, you included. It is traumatic for us all, but I was the only one changed in a war zone."

"The Civil War? Carlisle mentioned it once," I explained.

He smiled wryly. "Yes. That was the warzone I left when I was changed. The Newborn Wars were the ones I was born into. They're the ones I fought in for over seventy-five years."

"What were the Newborn Wars?" I asked, curiosity bringing me out of my immediate melancholy for a moment.

Jasper grinned and eased off the gas ever so slightly. Emmett's Jeep roared ahead of us.

"Well, there was a vampire called Maria…"

I listened entranced to his story, feeling the pieces of Jasper clicking into place in my mind. So much made sense now. Of course he struggled to resist human blood after spending seventy-five years being immersed in it, feeding for hunger, strength, pleasure, reward.

I had known newborn armies existed—I had been targeted by one, after all—but I hadn't known there had been battles of that magnitude waged with them, though. It was genius and horrific all at once. All that loss and pain for so many, all for blood.

Jasper glanced at me and his mouth turned down. "You're disgusted." It wasn't a question as he could feel it emanating from me.

"Not with you," I said quickly. "With all of it. The whole idea of armies of newborns, all those lives lost and people killed for food, like cattle, that's what disgusts me. It's just so cruel."

"The world is cruel, Bella. Humans are cruel. Vampires don't have a monopoly on violence."

"I know, believe me, I know. It's just unfair."

He started to speak and then fell silent again. I didn't need him to tell me life was unfair. I was very aware of that fact.

"We should catch up with Em and Rose," he said then. "They'll be worried."

I settled back in my seat as Jasper stepped on the gas again.

The family's Denali house was almost as beautiful as the area surrounding it.

It was a sprawling wooden structure that would have been called a cabin were it smaller. The rich tan wood was offset by the vast picture windows my family seemed to favor, though they were blocked by steel shutters at the moment. The house was surrounded by firs with a large separate building that Jasper guided the car into.

I climbed out of the car and looked around the garage. There was an older model Jeep parked in the corner that I guessed was used to get around in the winter months when they all needed a car. It was smaller than Emmett's monster of a jeep, less ostentatious. I could imagine Carlisle or Esme driving it into the city when there was a need.

Like the Forks and Astoria houses, there were tool chests and cabinets for equipment needed for the cars. In Forks they had kept their camping gear in them, too, not that they had ever used any of it. It had all been a prop for the unknowing public, maintaining the charade of the family that camped on the good weather days.

"Ready to see your new home, Bella?" Emmett asked, excitement in his voice.

I forced a smile. "Sure."

I followed him out of the garage and around to the main entrance of the house. He searched through a set of keys and extracted one with a triumphant, "Ahah!"

I wondered idly how many sets of keys they owned. How many houses like this were spread across the country? The world?

He unlocked the door and gestured me inside ahead of him. I walked into the room and smiled. It was the cream on beige color scheme that I should have expected that amused me. It made me think of a muddy human memory of Carlisle and me in a home improvement store. "Do you decorate to complement your skin?" Carlisle had laughed, and so had I. It had been a good day, I think. It was hard to bring to mind the feeling now.

It was a beautiful room. Like the Forks house, the sweeping staircase came directly into the lounge, though this was of the same tan wood as the house's exterior, a slightly darker color than the polished floorboards. There was a door that I guessed led into the kitchen. Shapes of furniture were covered in dustsheets, including a long dining table and chairs, and what was unmistakably a grand piano.

I supposed it made sense to keep furniture in their houses, as they may need to make a quick escape or return as they had when they left Forks, but what surprised me were the walls. They were decorated, too. There were paintings and prints framed and placed carefully, and family photographs. In fact, aside from the dust sheets, the room was ready for them to settle in straight away.

"When were you last here, Em?" I asked.

"We came to Alaska for Spring Break our first year at Cornell," he replied. "But we stayed with Tanya. We've not been in this house since before we moved to Forks."

"Oh."

It brought it home to me in one sweeping wave of sadness that this was my life now: homes spread across the country, each as interchangeable as the other, ready to be lived in and abandoned at a moment's notice with no more effort than the addition or removal of some dust sheets and packing a few clothes. That was if they had even done so much as take clothes.

Carlisle's office in Astoria had been the same in Forks, but was he the only one that kept things with him? Was that why they kept things the same? Because they never stayed long, they wanted their constant stream of houses to feel like the same home?

"What's wrong?" Jasper asked.

"I just need a moment," I said.

"You should hunt," he said. "It's been a couple days, and you have to be feeling it."

"Later," I said. "Where's Edward's room?"

"Top floor," Rosalie said, her tone gentler than I was used to.

"Thanks," I muttered before I fled up the stairs to the very top of the house.

Though all the scents in the house had faded long ago, I knew which was Edward's room at once, because of its positioning. It faced west, where he would be able to watch the sunset and enjoy the twilight. I opened the door and smiled. It was like stepping back in time. His Astoria room hadn't really been stamped with his personality. He had spent most of his time in my house, and before that, before we were together, he hadn't been interested in creating a home for himself.

This room was all Edward, though. There was a large couch facing the window, a spot I could clearly picture him lying to stare out at the incredible view of the park. The opposite wall was given to shelves which, despite a few spaces on which I guessed his journals and other small treasures had been, were crammed with CDs and books. There was an impressive-looking sound system that I flipped on. The soft strains of Barber's Adagio for Strings began to play, and I sighed happily. This was a familiar song for us. We had once made love with this as our background. It made my chest ache with longing.

I opened the closet and was unsurprised to find it still half-full of clothes. Neatly pressed slacks hung alongside shirts and sweaters. I pulled one of the sweaters from the hanger and buried my face in the soft wool. The scent of Edward had long since faded—it smelled musty now—but still, it was his; it was something tangible I could hold.

I pulled it on and hugged my arms around myself. It felt almost like an embrace from Edward.

With my arms still wrapped around myself, I sank onto the couch and lay down, facing the window. The view was amazing, but I didn't see it. I wished for golden eyes and a warm embrace.

I wished for home.

We were deep in the wilderness, searching for caribou—a plentiful but unappetizing meal for me—when Emmett said, apropos of nothing, "Jazz says you're depressed."

My teeth gritted. "Jazz needs to learn what privacy is."

"No such thing in our family." He tugged me over to a fallen tree and plunked himself down by the roots.

I perched beside him and sighed irritably.

"He can't control what he feels any more than Edward can control what he hears," he continued.

"Maybe not," I said. "But he doesn't have to broadcast it, does he? Edward doesn't do that with what he hears in your thoughts."

Emmett nodded slowly. "Not usually, no, but if he hears something important, he tips us off. When Jasper used to struggle with his bloodlust, he would always tell Alice when there was a risk."

"I'm not planning on going on a rampage because I'm having a bad day, Em," I said.

"I know that." He rolled his eyes. "But the fact you're having bad days is what I want to talk about."

"And I don't want to talk about it."

I couldn't talk about it. Emmett didn't understand. I'd heard the story of his change a couple of nights ago, sitting around the fire pit, and apart from the mortal injury and last-minute change to save him, it was nothing like mine.

He had been overjoyed to be a vampire, finding his forever and mate on the same day. His only regret had been quickly dealt with by virtue of money, and that had been that. He had settled into his life as a vampire and took it all in his stride.

I couldn't do that. My regrets couldn't be solved with money. They could not be solved at all. My regrets were now holding funerals and mourning, and I wasn't dead.

They could never know that, though, and the people that could saw me as a monster now. All I had left was my family, and they just didn't get it because I had lied to them.

"It'll help to talk," Emmett said. "I know I'm not your first choice, but Carlisle and Edward are still in Astoria, and unless you feel like opening up to Jazz or Rose, I'm the best there is."

I nudged him with my elbow. "Don't be stupid. If there were anything to open up about, you'd be up there on the list, Em. But there's nothing to talk about. I just miss Edward, is all. He'll be here soon, and it'll be better."

"Rose thinks it's the change," he said as if I hadn't spoken.

I clenched my jaw. "Rosalie is wrong."

"And I thought," he went on, "that if she was right, I could actually help, because I am the one to come to if you want to know how awesome it is to be a vampire."

I sighed, sensing that this conversation was going to happen whether I liked it or not. "Fine," I huffed. "Tell me the finer points of life as a vampire."

Emmett grinned at me. "Well, the speed for one. As Edward's mate, you've got to appreciate that."

I nodded. I had enjoyed running when we went for my first hunt.

"Yeah? See, something there for ya. Okay, what else?" He tapped his chin.

"The enhanced senses are impressive," I supplied.

"Yeah. That can be fun, I guess." He beamed at me. "The strength. Bella, you have no idea what you're capable of. I know we've all been keeping on at you about control since your change, but… You're a newborn, you are pure power right now. Hell, you might even be a match for me."

I eyed the enormous muscles circling his arms doubtfully. I felt strong, but I wasn't sure I felt that strong.

"We'll test that out sometime," he said vaguely. "I've thought of something else. Your mind. You're the academic type, right? Well, you've just received the ultimate power-up. You have an indelible memory now. You read a book—you remember the book forever. You want to learn a language—you read the dictionary. Seriously, it's that easy. It can get a little dull, I suppose, everything coming so easy, but no more study headaches. That's another thing—no more pain. You suffered more than most humans over the course of your life. That won't happen again."

I forced a smile. I knew he was trying, but all this was reminding me of what I had lost more than what I had gained. It was the effort it took to learn that made it worthwhile to me. It made it feel like I'd earned the knowledge. I would never hurt physically again, but I would emotionally, as would people I had left behind.

Emmett glanced at me, and his ready smile faded. "And this isn't doing a damn thing to help, is it?"

"It is," I lied quickly.

"You can't blush anymore, Bella, but you still can't lie, either." He sighed. "I wish I could fix things for you, because then maybe I could fix them for Rose, too. I do my best every day, and sometimes she's happy."

"I will be happy, Em," I said. "It's only been days, and I am grieving. That's all. I just need time to get used to it. I am aware of how lucky I am to be here still." I leaned my head against his massive shoulder. "You helped, I promise."

He pressed a kiss to my hair. "Good. That's all I ever want to do, for you and for Rose, help."

Carlisle

We were more than ready to leave Astoria and get to Alaska and the rest of our family. Though we spoke regularly on the phone, it wasn't the same as being together.

Tanya, Kate, and Irina stayed with Esme and I in Oregon, even though the wolves left the day after Bella's funeral. They didn't often leave their Alaskan home, and I thought they were enjoying the change of location. I offered our house to them for as long as they wished when the time came to leave, but they refused, saying it would be rude to the newest member of our family to delay their meeting any longer.

That worried me a little. I wasn't sure how prepared Bella was for meeting new people yet.

She made a good show when we spoke on the phone, talking about what she had been doing that day and the things she had seen, but it sounded rehearsed and false to my ears. Edward didn't confide in me, having returned to Bella's side in Alaska at the first opportunity, but I suspected that was for a lack of opportunity more than anything. I was looking forward to being able to see them all in person.

It was sad to say goodbye to the house in Astoria, as it held many happy memories despite the short time we had lived there. It was a home Bella and I had created together for the rest of the family. It was not to be, though. We could not return in this lifetime—not while there were people that would remember Bella Swan.

The drive to Alaska, always a long one, seemed longer given our anticipation. It was early evening again by the time we reached the border and another hour before we were within sight of the house.

Esme leaned forward in her seat eagerly, and I smiled. She longed for our family's reunion as much as I did.

The front door opened as I pulled the car to a halt outside, not bothering to park in the garage, and Emmett barreled out, followed by Edward and Rosalie at a more sedate pace. I glanced at the door, waiting for more faces to appear and then caught Edward's eye. Bella? I knew better than to ask the question aloud when Rosalie was there to greet us.

He shook his head slightly.

I took Rosalie in my arms and held her for a moment. "Rosalie, my dear girl. I have missed you."

She smiled at me, obviously pleased.

Esme greeted her next, and I thought the time was appropriate for my question. "Where are the others?" I asked casually.

"Bella's gone into the park with Alice and Jazz," Emmett said.

Is she okay? I asked Edward.

He shook his head again.

Esme allowed Rosalie and Emmett to lead her into the house, Rosalie chatting about some changes she wanted to make to the bedroom she and Emmett shared. Edward came to me, and I popped the trunk to get the bags.

"What is it?" I asked quietly.

He sighed heavily. "Bella."

"What's wrong with her?"

"She's depressed. Well, Jasper says she is, and he'd know better than any of us. She's getting good at blocking him, but she can't always keep it up. I know she's not happy, but he says it's worse than she's letting on. She won't talk about it, though. I know Emmett tried before I got here, and I have tried countless times, but she just shakes it off." He looked at me desperately. "I don't know what to do. She won't let me help her."

I thought I understood. Bella was independent, even more now than she had been than when we had known her in Forks. She was, had been, a police officer, and they were trained to rely on themselves as well as their colleagues. She was doing what she was trained to do, not seeing that things had changed now.

"I didn't think of it like that," Edward said in response to my thoughts. "How do I make her see things have changed?"

"I don't think you do," I said. "I think to try to make her see that will hurt her even more. She needs to come to the realization on her own. I think we need to try a different approach."

"What?" he asked.

That was where I was lost. I thought perhaps if I could talk to her, gauge how she was feeling for myself, I might be able to get an idea of how to help.

"Will you?" he asked.

"Of course," I said. "At the first opportunity."

"Thank you, Carlisle," he said, laying a hand on my shoulder. "I appreciate it."

I looked into his eyes. "There is no need to thank me, Edward. Bella is very much ours as she is yours. She is truly a part of this family now."

"I know," he said. "I think that is the root of the problem."

With that strange statement, he picked up the bags from the trunk and carried them into the house.

My conversation with Bella didn't have to wait long. In fact, Alice could well have planned it as no sooner had we settled at home than they returned from their trip into the park.

I was outside, gathering logs to build a fire in the pit when they ran into view. I turned and saw Bella come to an abrupt halt. She looked almost afraid for a moment, and I wondered whether I was the source of her fear, but it was quickly shaken off, and she ran to me. I opened my arms to her and jostled as she collided hard.

I laughed, and she joined me, making Jasper's eyebrows rise. When she pulled back, she was smiling.

"Is Esme here, too?" she asked.

"Yes," I replied. "We're all here now."

"Good."

Seeing no need to delay our conversation, I asked, "Bella, will you walk with me?"

"Sure."

I took her hand and led her away from the house and into the wilderness between our house and Tanya's. There was a small lake I had often come to when I needed space from my sometimes-rambunctious family to think. I thought it would be a good place to show Bella now.

When we reached it, she looked around and smiled. "It's really pretty."

"I like it."

I brushed my hand over a boulder on the shore to brush away the dirt and gestured for her to sit. She smiled slightly at some private joke before sitting. I sat beside her, angled so as to look into her face.

"I've been speaking to Edward," I said.

"Oh."

"Yes. He says you're unhappy."

"I'm not," she said quickly.

"Bella," I said softly. "You have not lied to me before. Why would you now?"

Her mouth twisted into a grimace. "I just…" She sighed. "I'm not exactly. I'm not always unhappy."

"It's the change." It wasn't a question.

"Not entirely," she said. "It's more what the change did to the people left behind."

"Charlie and Renee?"

"Yes," she said in a whisper. "I feel like I've failed them. If I'd been more careful, I'd still be a part of their lives now, and they wouldn't be hurting. I feel guilty. I have this whole new life, and it's incredible. I see the good in it, despite the things I wanted that I can't have now, but they can't, and that hurts."

"They are hurting," I agreed. "I have seen that for myself, but I have also seen something else. At your funeral, Charlie and Renee asked Alice to do a reading."

"They did?"

I nodded. "They chose it themselves." I closed my eyes and recited from memory. "You can shed tears that she is gone, or you can smile because she has lived. You can close your eyes and pray that she will come back, or you can open your eyes and see all that she has left. Your heart can be empty because you can't see her, or you can be full of the love that you shared. You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday, or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday. You can remember her and only that she is gone, or you can cherish her memory and let it live on. You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back, or you can do what she would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on."

Bella's eyes were closed when I opened mine, and her face was a picture of misery. I moved closer to her and wrapped my arm around her shoulders, pulling her close.

"Smile, Bella," I said. "Open your eyes."

She obeyed and a small rueful smile curved her lips. "Love?" she asked.

"And go on," I said. "Charlie and Renee have told you what they would want. Now it is your path to choose. You have a new life open to you, as you say. How you will live it is down to you."

She buried her face against me, and she shook with tearless sobs. I thought perhaps these were what was needed, though.

She needed to grieve the life she had lost before she could live the one she had gained in its place.

So… Bella is feeling her feels now. Things will be a little easier from here on out, and I can bring the fun back into the story.

Until next time…

Simaril xx