Brian and Gus enjoyed their dinner at the diner. Gus swallowed the last of his large milkshake, slurping down the thin layer of ice cream at the bottom. Brian gave him a slight frown at the noise but remembered doing the same thing when he was his age.
"They have the best milkshakes. Mom doesn't let me order milkshakes. She says there is too much sugar in them. How come you let me have them?"
Brian ran his hand over his head, wanting to give Gus a reasonable answer. He did not want to be put in the position of the father who just gives in to his son because he felt guilty for not being there. After attending at least 30 AA meetings, he had accepted that he wanted and needed to change his life and the first person he wanted to be truthful with was Gus. But then he always had been truthful with Gus. He'd never tried to be the super father that Gus had referred to in their earlier discussion. He always liked to give Gus the things that he asked for and didn't do it to earn his loyalty.
"A milkshake every now and then is fine, just not every day. Your moms are with you all the time and they want to be sure that you have good eating habits. I'm sure they have something sweet every now and then," Brian said. He actually agreed with Mel and Lindsay's decision to limit Gus' sweets as that was a sure way to being overweight. It was bad enough that kids probably taunted him about having two moms; he didn't need another reason to have kids tease him. Brian always prided himself in keeping fit and the last thing he wanted was for his son to be overweight.
"I know we just talked about kids whose fathers indulge them when they are with them. An occasional milkshake is an indulgence but you don't get one every time we're together," Brian said, hoping to convince himself that he was not one of those fathers trying to buy his son's love and affection.
"I know Dad. The moms let me have one sometimes too." Gus picked up his napkin and wiped the remnants of the shake from his mouth. "So, Dad, what made you think of the Incline? It doesn't seem like the kind of thing you would go in for," Gus asked.
Brian quickly thought how one simple question would bring up a multitude of other questions for Gus. Gus knew he drank, he'd seen him grab a beer at his soccer games. But, he had never seen him drunk or high. He wouldn't put it past Melanie to say something in front of Gus about his drinking. He understood the answer to that question would uncover a multitude of other topics: his attendance at AA, his friendship with Justin, his new found quest to figure out who he was, and of course his rights when it came to Gus. And he couldn't forget the DNA test that they were going to have done tomorrow before their trip to the Incline.
Gus was smart and he didn't lie to him; however, this was not the place to have those discussions. The door to the diner opened as the bell announced a new customer.
"Aunty Em, over here," Gus yelled out as he recognized the tall man who sashayed his way into the diner.
Emmet made his way to the booth where Gus and Brian were sitting. He motioned for Gus to scoot over so he could sit.
"Brian, good to see you. I was worried when you canceled Babylon last night," Emmett said, the look on his face showing his genuine concern.
"Nothing to worry about. I was going to call you later. Gus and I are headed to the Loft to hang out. If you'd like to come over before you head to Babylon, you're welcome to stop by," Brian offered. As soon as he said the words, he realized how unnatural they sounded, He never asked people to "stop by". That was not in Brian Kinney's vocabulary. But then he realized that he really did want to talk to Emmett. He was the only other person, besides Ted, who knew his secret, and while Brian Kinney did not like to owe anybody any favors; he did feel that he owed Emmett an explanation. Emmett had kept his secret and he was grateful for his discretion. It would have been so easy to spread the news of Brian's accident and subsequent AA attendance, but Emmett had not done that. He had kept Brian's news to himself.
Emmett smiled, his big toothy grin taking up most of his face.
"Aunty Emm, you can come over now. We're going to play Xbox. I bet I can beat my Dad. Have you ever played? You could play the winner," Gus said, his enthusiasm bubbling over at the prospect of having another adult to win over to his favorite video game.
Emmett fanned himself with the menu he was holding, pretending to need to cool off. "Don't you think you should ask your dad before you go inviting people to his house?" While Emmett liked Gus, he didn't think Brian would like him honing in on their visit. He was still surprised that Brian had offered to have him come over before he went out. If he didn't know better, he'd think that the world was actually coming apart.
Gus turned to Brian, "Dad, can Aunty Em come over and play Xbox?"
Brian said, "If Emmett wants to play Xbox, he is welcome to join us. Somehow I don't see Emmett playing video games." Brian raised his eyebrows in a questioning look.
"Well no, Gus, I'm not a video game player. That would be your Uncle Mickey. But I can whip up a pizza dish for dinner. How about that?"
"Emmett, 10-year-old boys love pizza almost as much as they love video games," Brian said.
"I may not play video games, but I know the way to a man's heart is through his stomach," Emmett said, his toothy grin shining through. "I'll go to the store and pick up the ingredients. I'm sure your dad doesn't have any of the ingredients to make good pizza," Emmett said and winked at Brian. Everyone knew that Brian did not cook and that any food you ate in his home was most likely from a take out or drive-through restaurant. The fact that Brian had agreed to him making pizza for them said a lot to anyone who knew him.
Debbie had left the bill on their table a few minutes before Emmett showed up. Brian picked it up and glanced at it, even though he knew the total was less than $5.00. He left a $5.00 tip and motioned for Gus to stand up so they could leave. They walked to the counter and Brian paid the bill.
"I'll see you guys on Sunday for dinner. Have a great night with your dad, Gus. I bet you'll whoop him on the Xbox," Debbie said, having overheard their conversation.
Brian was glad that he had not started the discussion with Emmett at the diner. He knew better than to think that anything said there would be private. Still, he was a little taken aback that he had invited Emmett to come over to visit. Maybe, the real Brian Kinney was starting to show his colors.
Gus and Brian went to the loft. Brian checked his mailbox as they entered the building and he saw there was another envelope from the lawyer. He wondered what that could be since he had already received a copy of the contract. He made a mental note to look at it after Gus went to bed. The letter reminded him that he had to talk to Gus about the DNA test tomorrow. After their discussion earlier, he didn't think Gus would balk at the idea.
Gus immediately went to the cabinet where the Xbox was held and set it up. "Come on Dad. We gotta get a few games in before Aunty Em gets here with the pizza stuff. I love to watch him in the kitchen. It's so different than when Mom cooks," Gus said, waving his hand toward his father's high-end kitchen.
"What do you mean?"
"Mom is always looking through these cookbooks and then she spends forever in the kitchen making some fancy chicken. When we sit down to eat it, she goes on and on about the amount of time it took her to cook the stuff and how this or that is supposed to bring out the flavor of the chicken." Gus put his hand to his mouth, mimicking Lindsay. "It's like she is trying to impress us with her cooking. But honestly Dad, it's just chicken."
Brian smiled at Gus' tale of Lindsay in the kitchen and he seemed to remember a few times when she insisted on cooking for him. There was one time when Gus was little that she invited him over telling him she had found some great recipe with 100 cloves or some such nonsense. If he remembered correctly, the chicken reminded him of a trip he'd made to a Hookah shop. Who knew that 100 cloves would smell like that? He could actually envision Lindsay spending hours looking for a recipe so she could impress her family and then after hours in the kitchen, the result being ordinary. There was a reason he didn't cook. It took too much time and the food he ordered in a restaurant was way better than anything he could make himself. Besides, he had better things to do than spend hours looking in recipe books or cooking.
The idea of better things to do brought him up short. What did he do with his time? He wasn't committed to any activity these days except attending AA meetings and working. Of course, he still went to the gym regularly or ran on his treadmill and he still saw Gus each week. But besides those activities, he did actually have a lot of free time, especially since he wasn't tricking and hanging out at the bars. Justin was right, as usual. He needed to figure out who the real Brian Kinney was. He was no longer using alcohol and sex to fill his nights and free time. If this journey was going to be successful, he was going to have to figure out what he liked to do.
"Dad, you okay?" Gus asked, seeing the unfamiliar pensive look on his father's face. This was the second time he'd seen the look today. He just knew that there was something going on.
Brian walked over to the couch and sat down, turning toward Gus. "Yeah, I'm fine, but I want to talk to you for a minute," Brian said, deciding that he wanted to talk now. He wanted to talk to Emmett and if Gus knew what was going on, he could do it when Emmett came over versus later after Gus went to bed.
"You're scaring me, Dad. I know you aren't going to tell me that you and mom are getting a divorce since you aren't married. Tommy said that his dad had been acting really weird for a few weeks before they sat him down and told him they were getting a divorce. But since you're not married, that can't be it," Gus said, rattling off the tale of his best friend's family. Gus put down the controller to the Xbox, sensing that it might be a bit before they were going to play.
Brian ran his hand over his face a few times and took a deep breath as he wished that he had a beer in his hand before he started this conversation. He thought that having a beer in his hand to make it easier to have the conversation was exactly what the leader at the last AA meeting was talking about. He had to "let go" of his fear and accept that some conversations were going to be difficult. Life was not meant to be led through the fog of inebriation. People were meant to feel the highs and lows without liquid courage.
"Gus, I love you, more than I ever thought was possible, and actually you are why I'm having this conversation," Brian said as he let his thoughts and feelings take free reign of the conversation.
"Sure Dad. I love you too. Didn't we just have this conversation in the car?"
"Sort of, but there is more to it." Brian quickly tried to decide how much of his drinking he wanted to explain to Gus, and just as quickly he decided he would not make that decision, but let Gus lead the conversation.
"I told Emmett to come by later so we could talk," Brian said, reminding Gus of the earlier encounter. He took a deep breath, realizing that telling his son was probably harder than telling Emmett.
"That's why I invited him to come to play Xbox. You aren't mad that I asked him?" Gus asked, worried that he had angered his Dad.
"No. No, I'm not mad. I was the one who originally suggested he stop by. But Gus, I need to tell you why I wanted Emmett to come over. I was supposed to go to Babylon with him and the guys last night and I canceled." While Brian realized the statement was true, he knew that it was only a partial explanation. He really didn't want to talk about his tricking with his son, so he wanted to tread lightly.
"Dad, so you canceled. No biggie. Why would Emmett need to come over since you canceled on him?"
"Gus, I canceled because I didn't want to be around all the booze."
Gus looked at his father with a puzzled expression on his face. "Dad, there's lots of booze at bars. Even I know that. Why wouldn't you want to be around booze? Isn't that why people go to bars?" Gus was smart, but it appeared that the true nature of Babylon hadn't occurred to him yet. He didn't understand the gay culture and picking up tricks. "Tommy says his Dad goes to the bars to have a drink and pick up women all the time. He said that his Dad met his latest girlfriend at the bar by his work. I know that you're not going to pick up a woman, but isn't it the same for gay guys?"
Brian realized that Gus did know about the pickup angle of bars. That made the conversation both easier and more difficult. He was not going to tell his son about his promiscuity. He had already been confronted about it at a recent meeting and the little hamsters in his head had been mulling over the idea of intimacy vs sex for a few days. Still, at 10, there were definitely some mysteries that parents needed to shield their children from.
"I try to stay away from hetero bars, but I guess it is the same," Brian said, cringing at the thought of picking up a woman. He'd entertained enough clients and been in a sufficient number of bars that he understood the nuances of that culture. He was slightly surprised that at 10, Gus knew as much as he did. He didn't think that he knew that much when he was 10, but then he knew his dad went to the bar after work to have a drink and came home drunk most nights.
"Dad, you're not making any sense. So you canceled on Aunty Em. What does that mean and why would you want him to come here to talk about it? I've never seen anyone drop by except Uncle Michael and Grandma Deb. When they come over, you always seem mad that they showed up. Last time Uncle Michael showed up, you practically pushed him out of the loft." Gus got up, walked to the kitchen, and opened the cabinet, grabbing a glass. He brought it to the door in the fridge and pushed the button for ice and then water. "Want any water, Dad?"
"No, thanks," Brian said, realizing he better get to the point or Gus would get tired of the discussion.
Gus returned with his water glass and set it on the coffee table.
"Coaster," Brian said, knowing Gus would understand his command.
Gus grabbed a coaster, wiped the water that had dripped onto the table with his sleeve, and placed his cup on the coaster.
Brian ignored the uncouth gesture, deciding that now was not the time to go into a discussion on manners. He almost thought Gus had done it on purpose as he was getting tired of their talk.
"Gus, there is no easy way to say this. I've been avoiding the bars because I'm an alcoholic. I was thinking that I wanted to go dancing at Babylon last night and I could avoid the booze, but at the last minute, decided that it wasn't a good idea," Brian said, pleased that he was able to admit his problem to his son.
"We talked about alcohol in school. You know the DARE program. We have lots of speakers and the police come in to talk to us too. But dad, you can't be an alcoholic, you have a big business and make lots of money. Alcoholics are losers," Gus said. He didn't like to disagree with his father and was confused as to why his father thought he was an alcoholic.
"Gus, I am an alcoholic. Sure I have a big business, but I can be an alcoholic and run a business. Emmett and Ted were going to help me stay away from the alcohol, but after I thought about it, I decided I wasn't ready to go to the bar and not drink."
"I'm still not getting why you need to talk to Aunty Em about it."
"I wanted to explain my change of heart and thank him for his offer to go with me," Brian said.
"I guess that makes sense, but why all the hiding? I'm sure that Grandma Deb and everyone else in the family knows you go to the bars. Isn't that why Uncle Michael came by here the last time? He wanted you to go to the bars." Gus stopped talking and thought for a moment. "They don't know that you aren't going to the bars. Dad, why haven't you told them?"
Gus was pretty quick. It made Brian proud that Gus had figured it out, but now he had to go one step further and explain why he hadn't told Michael and Deb.
"Do Mom and Momma know you are an alcoholic?" Gus was leaping to conclusions much faster than Brian thought he would. That was both good and bad. Good, since that meant that he didn't have to spell it all out, but bad because now he had to go a little deeper into his discussion.
"It's complicated. Sure, your moms know that I drink, but I'm afraid if they knew that I was an alcoholic, they would try to keep you away from me."
"But you're my Dad. I have a right to see you and spend time with you. It doesn't matter to me that you are an alcoholic."
"I'm glad that you want to still see me. But you see, your moms might believe you weren't safe with me. People have negative views about alcoholics. You thought that I couldn't be one since I have a big business. I think your moms would use my alcoholism as an excuse to say you couldn't visit me or stay with me."
"Are you sure you're an alcoholic? I mean, I've never seen you drink more than a beer or two?"
"Yes, Gus, I'm an alcoholic. I think about alcohol a lot and there are many days, I really wish I could have a drink. Before we started this conversation, I wished I could have a beer."
"Okay, so Aunty Em and Uncle Ted know about your drinking; Deb, Uncle Michael, and the moms do not. Oh, and I now know," Gus said as he touched his forefinger to his other forefinger and ticked off the names. "You gonna tell them?"
"Soon. The whole reason I wanted to talk to you tonight is that I've hired a lawyer. I want to ensure that I have my legal rights in place, guaranteeing that I can see you before I tell your moms. This way, when I tell them about being an alcoholic, they can't try and keep you away from me."
"That is so cool, Dad. I mean Tommy's dad never had to prove that he was his father so he could see him. But since you aren't raising me, you gotta take that extra step. I love you Dad." Gus leaned over to give Brian a big hug and Brian returned it.
"Tomorrow, before we go to the Incline, we are going to a lab where they are going to take a sample from your cheek and run some tests on it. These tests will verify that you are my kid," Brian said as he explained their errand for tomorrow.
"Everyone knows that you are my Dad. I look just like a mini version of you."
"I know, but this way the courts will have proof that you are my kid. Your moms can't keep us apart or tell me that I can't spend time with you."
"How long is this gonna take? The Incline sounded kind of cool."
"The test is only going to take a few minutes. After the test, we are going to meet a friend of mine and he's going to go with us to the Incline."
Gus sat back on the couch, surprised at his father's statement. He cocked his head as if to be sure he heard his father right. "Dad? A friend?"
"Let me explain. To help me work on getting sober, I'm attending special meetings every day. The group is called Alcoholics Anonymous. I have a person who helps me understand my drinking. After every meeting, he and I go for coffee and we talk about the meetings. He's the one who encouraged me to find some new activities in my life. Since all I ever did was go to Babylon or Woody's, it seemed like a good idea."
"This guy is going to join us. Why is he coming? We've never had anyone join us before," Gus asked. Gus had never seen his father with anyone other than "the family." Uncle Michael had his husband, Ben, and Uncle Ted had Blake, but his Dad had never had anyone come to the family dinner at Grandma's house.
"Since my knowledge of Pittsburgh's interesting places consisted of Babylon and Woody's, Justin has encouraged me to investigate the area and find things I might like to do in my free time. I asked him to be my tour guide. He's become a good friend," Brian said and realized that he had not put those thoughts into words until now. Justin was a friend, even if he was Brian's sponsor. He wasn't used to friends that just wanted to hang out and not pick up guys or drink, so it was still novel, and until that moment he hadn't put a label on their relationship.
"Has anyone else met Justin?" Gus asked, wondering about this new person. He had a hard time picturing someone his father called a friend, since it was a really new situation.
"No. I've talked to Emmett and Ted about him and they were going to meet him last night when I went to Babylon. He was going to come with me."
"So, he is gay? Sure he's not your boyfriend?"
"I don't have boyfriends, Gus. No, he is my sponsor and my friend."
"I'll be the first person to meet him. What if I don't like him? Will he still join us at the Incline?"
Brian hadn't thought that Gus might not like Justin. He couldn't imagine that being the case but realized that it was a real possibility.
"If you don't like him, I'll tell him that I'll see him at the next AA meeting. You are still my first priority. I'll still see him since he's my sponsor, but you won't have to be with him if you don't like him," Brian said, silently hoping that Gus liked Justin. He wanted them to enjoy each other's company just like he enjoyed each of their company. He wouldn't think about that unlikely outcome as they weren't meeting Justin until tomorrow. Before that happened, Emmett would be coming over and he would have a conversation with him. After that, they would have to complete the DNA testing before they would meet Justin.
Gus thought about all that he and his dad had talked about today and asked, "Dad, what made you decide to not be an alcoholic anymore?"
Before Brian could answer, the buzzer rang, announcing a visitor. Brian stood up and went to the intercom, "Yes," he said, hoping it was Emmett and not Michael or anyone else. He knew he would have to answer Gus' question, but afterward, maybe Gus could be distracted by pizza making and he could take a break.
"It's me, the pizza chef," Emmett said into the intercom.
Brian turned to Gus. "Let's let Emmet up and we'll finish our discussion."
He buzzed the door so Emmett could come into the building and heard the creaky elevator a few minutes later. Brian had opened the door in anticipation of Emmett's arrival.
Emmett was holding a large grocery bag as he walked off the elevator.
Brian looked at him and said, "Did you buy the entire isle of pizza makings? I didn't think it took that much to make pizza," Brian said, tongue in cheek.
"I'll have you know that I only use the best and the freshest ingredients in all my cooking." He looked over at Gus sitting on the couch and noticed that the tv wasn't on. "While I don't play video games, I was sure they required a television that was turned on," he said. He put the bag of ingredients on the small peninsula in Brian's kitchen.
"We haven't started playing yet, Aunty Em. Daddy was telling me about why he wanted to talk to you," Gus said.
"I see. What did he tell you?" Emmett wasn't sure how much Gus knew about Brian's drinking and he was not about to break Brian's confidence at this juncture.
"He said he's an alcoholic and he hasn't told my moms, Grandma Deb or Uncle Michael. He told me that he wanted to explain to you why he didn't go to Babylon yesterday. And he also said that I was going to have a test to prove to the courts that I was his kid. He doesn't think my moms would let me hang out with him if they knew he was an alcoholic."
Emmett wiped his forehead as if a visible line of sweat were lying there. "I see you two have been busy since we left the diner."
"Yeah. Just before you got here, I asked him why he thought he was an alcoholic. You told me you'd answer my question, Dad," Gus said, reminding Brian. Brian never lied to his son and he wasn't going to start now, but he really was not thrilled about admitting his failures. But he remembered the lessons he had learned at AA, he needed to accept his failures as well as his successes.
"Emmett, why don't you join us. I think I owe you for not showing up last night."
Emmett waved his hand and said, "You don't owe me anything."
"Well Sonny Boy, I knew I was an alcoholic when I wrecked my car after I'd been drinking. Remember, I said that you were the reason I was not drinking. Well, I walked away from the accident, but my car did not. That is why I have a new car. My first thought was about you. I realized that you could have been in the car with me. If you had been injured I would have never forgiven myself."
"But I mean, well, the DARE program says we shouldn't drink and drive, but I see you do it all the time. Dad, people drink and drive all the time. I've seen you drink a few beers at my soccer games and then we drive home. What was different? "
"Well, that's the thing, Gus. I had only had a few beers that night, I dropped you off at your moms and the roads were wet. I lost control and ran into a tree. I was not going to ever put you in that situation and realized that I needed help and needed to change."
"I still don't understand. You've been drinking at my soccer games for as long as I can remember. And you often have a glass of wine at Grandma's on Sundays. I sometimes see you drink a few beers on the weekend when I'm here. Lots of the family drink. Are they alcoholics too?"
"I can't speak for anyone else, Gus. But it's different for me. You only saw what I allowed you to see, I drank a lot and I found that I was having problems getting through my day without alcohol," Brian said, realizing that he was being really honest with Gus and that he felt good about sharing the truth.
"Most people who drink aren't alcoholics. Alcoholics can't control their drinking. They can't stop, even if they know they should," Brian said. He stood up and went to the kitchen to grab a bottled water from the fridge. Holding it up, he looked at Emmett and asked, "Want one?".
"No, thanks."
Brian returned to the couch, opened the bottle, and took a large drink of the bottle, finishing almost a third of it. "Emmett was going to go to Babylon with me last night to help distract me from the alcohol. I knew if I had one drink, it would become 5 or 6 and all the progress I'd made would be gone." Brian looked at Emmett and said, "I'm sorry I asked you to go to Babylon. You shouldn't have to be put in the position of being my watchdog. When I know that I can say no, I'll go back."
Emmett leaned forward to give Brian a hug and surprisingly to both of them, Brian accepted it. "You'll get there. I'm proud of you."
"So you stopped drinking for me and you're going to a lawyer so that my moms can't keep us apart?" Gus said as he summarized the conversation.
"Yep. While I loved that car, wrecking it made me realize that a car could be replaced, but you can't. I needed to know that I was doing everything in my power to keep you safe. I don't want anything I do to stop me from being your Dad," Brian said. He walked over to where Gus sat, ruffling his hair.
"Now, you invited Emmett to make pizza. I think the two of you better get started or it will be midnight before it's ready to eat," Brian said.
"Gus, let's get to it. Sounds like your dad wants us to cook. I'm surprised he's willing to eat carbs this late, but I guess some things change.
"Dad, what are you going to do while we make pizza?"
"I think I will give Justin a call. I'll be in my bedroom for a bit."
"Okay. Come on Aunty Em, I'm starving. All this talk is making me hungry."
Brian walked up to the bedroom, closing the door, and sat on the bed. While this had been one of the hardest conversations he'd had, it had gone really well. He got out his phone and scrolled down to Justin's number, hoping that he would answer. He realized he really wanted to talk to him.