Chapter 32 – The Hospital Again

The line at the ER triage desk is long, but the staff move pretty fast once they see Holly. We're sent straight to a treatment cubicle, and a couple of nurses take Holly from me and lay her on the bed to begin checking her out.

"How old is she? And do you know how much she weighs?"

"She's four months - almost five. Eighteen pounds, more or less."

I'm nudged aside as they take her temperature and strip off her sleeper so they can attach a monitor to her foot. Holly sleeps through it, her limbs floppy.

"How long has she been like this?"

"She's been sick all day, vomiting and diarrhoea. I don't know how many times, but I've been through like twenty diapers…I've tried feeding her with her regular formula and then some Pedialyte, but nothing stays down." I glance up at the clock. "She went to sleep a couple of hours ago and I thought she might feel better if she napped, but when I went to wake her she was worse. You can see…" I gesture helplessly.

"When did it start? What's her diet? Formula, breastmilk, any solids?" The nurse examines Holly's head, and then pinches her skin hard enough to make Holly cry out. "This gives us an indication of how dehydrated she might be…that's right sweetie, wake up and talk to me. You're a bit too sleepy."

"She only has formula. Usually six times a day, about four or five ounces at a time…although last night she only finished about half of that. All my other kids are sick, so I was thinking it's probably a virus," I say.

"There's a nasty one going round." The nurse undoes the tabs on Holly's diaper, and finds it dry. "When did she last have a wet diaper?"

I shrug. "Pee - I don't know. It's just been liquid diarrhoea all day, so it's hard to tell." I bite my knuckles. "My dad is one of the paediatricians here – Carlisle Cullen. I told them at triage, but I'd really like it if he could be the one to see her."

"He's with another patient now, but we'll let him know you're here as soon as he's done," the nurse promises.

But it's another doctor that swishes through the curtains a few minutes later. He introduces himself and says that he's being supervised by Carlisle and that he'll just make a start, and immediately begins to examine Holly.

"She's very dehydrated," the doctor tells me. "You can see that – her mouth is dry, there are no tears when she cries, her eyes and the soft spot on her head are slightly sunken…see? Dehydration can happen pretty quickly in babies, and it can be serious so we want to get some fluids into her as soon as possible. I'm going to put in an iv now…do you want to hold her still for me?"

I don't want to, not at all. The idea of holding my baby girl still so that they can do something that will hurt her turns my stomach. But Holly's awake and whimpering and reaching for me, and I don't want her to feel afraid. So I settle onto the bed with my arms wrapped around her, bending low to kiss her head and murmur reassuringly into her ear as the doctor preps her arm to insert an IV.

He blows the first one. I don't know what goes wrong, I can't watch, but Holly is rigid with pain and terror and screaming in my arms as the doctor pulls the needle out and shakes his head. "This sometimes happens, I'll just have to try the other side," he says, and I can hear the forced casualness of his voice.

"It's all right, it's all right…" I keep holding Holly immobile as he tries again on her other arm, but it doesn't work this time either. Holly is beside herself, choking on her screams and gagging as her hysteria brings on another bout of vomiting, and I'm horrified to see the bruises blooming under her pale skin where he's sticking her.

"Damn it!" The doctor tosses another needle back onto the tray. "That one's blown too."

The nurse wipes up the thin strings of bile dribbling down Holly's chin and chest, all that she was able to vomit up despite the desperate heaving. Her lips are tight as she says, "That's two tries. Why don't I call…"

"No, I can do it." The doctor doesn't let her finish. "She's so dehydrated…maybe a scalp vein?" He leans forward and runs a hand through Holly's hair.

"What the fuck? NO!" I see the blood, thick and dark red, welling up and dribbling down Holly's arms and I can't take anymore. To be here, in this hospital, seeing blood on my beautiful, vulnerable baby daughter as I fight against the memories of what happened here with her mother…it is too much. "No!"

"I can try her foot, but scalp veins are bigger on infants…"

"You're not touching her again!" I'm on my feet, backing away from him with Holly in my arms. There's a clatter as I knock the tray holding the needles and IV supplies, and the monitor is yanked off Holly's foot as I reach the limit of the cord.

The doctor holds up a placating hand. "She's dangerously dehydrated and she needs an IV."

"Well someone else who knows what they're doing can do it!" Holly is gasping for breath as she sobs in my arms, blood from the failed IV insertion punctures smearing along her skin and into my t-shirt.

"Does anyone need any help in here? Emmett…I thought that sounded like you." The curtain slides across the rail and Carlisle comes in, defusing the situation with his usual calm.

"Dehydrated baby, with vomiting and diarrhoea over the past ten to twelve hours," one of the nurses says quickly. "Two failed attempts at IV access. Her name's Holly, four months old, formula only…"

"Yes, thank you Claire. She's my granddaughter, so I know her stats." Carlisle glances down at the doctor. "Matt?"

The doctor flushes. "She needs fluids. I was going to try the scalp vein but the father…" He breaks off and shoots me a look.

Carlisle comes over and stands close, looking me at me searchingly. "Okay, Emmett?" His voice is gentle.

"I hate this place," I muttered. "I know Holly's really sick, but…he hurt her and he made her bleed and…I couldn't watch him do it again…you take care of her." I hold her out to him, my arms shaking.

Carlisle takes her from me, and Holly droops against his shoulder as he rubs her back. She looks worse than she did when I brought her in. "How about you come with Grandpa and we'll see what we can do, hmmm?" He lays her gently on the bed and asks the other doctor to give him a quick run down, carrying out his own exam at the same time.

"You're right that she needs fluids. However she's a baby, not a pincushion, and in this situation two failed attempts at establishing an IV are enough." Carlisle's voice is mild, but the reproof is clear. "That's when you call for an assist. Looking at her level of dehydration, getting peripheral access would be difficult even for me." He examines Holly's legs, and frowns as he and the others talk in low voices.

"Can you do something? Is she going to be okay?" I stand alongside him and run a finger over Holly's cheek. Her skin feels dry and rough.

"I'm going to take good care of her," Carlisle says. "Now, we have to take some blood and I'm going to attempt the IV placement again."

"Do you want me to hold her while you do it?" My voice shakes, and I bite down savagely on my fist.

Carlisle looks at me and hesitates, and for a moment I see his professionalism slip and his fatherly instincts take back over as he squeezes my shoulder. "Why don't you go and get yourself a coffee? I'll do what I need to do here with Holly and then you can come back and give her a cuddle once it's all over."

"But…are you sure? I mean, Holly…" My teeth scrape over my knuckles, and my skin burns.

"I'm sure. She'll be fine with me." Carlisle nods decisively and nudges me away from the bed. "There's a drink machine at the end of the hall."

I stumble out of the cubicle and head down the corridor. I find the coffee dispenser, but instead of pouring myself a cup I sink into a chair beside it and put my head in my hands.

I hate myself for leaving Holly. Oh sure, she has Carlisle and it isn't like I can do anything anyway, but she's my daughter and I'm her dad and I hate myself for dipping out when things get hard. But being here in this hospital, seeing my baby weak and sick on a hospital bed with the blood welling up against her pale skin…

This place is full of ghosts. I know it's where Holly needs to be, but all I can think about is that this is where her mother died. They didn't save HER…what if Holly dies too?

"Emmett?"

I look up at the sound of my name and find Edward standing in front of me, wearing scrubs and holding two steaming cups of coffee in his hands.

"What are you doing here?"

"I work here, remember?" Edward grins at me and hands me one of the cups. "Here, take this…I got it from the café. You don't want to risk your life with what you'll get out of that machine." He takes the seat beside me and inhales the scent of the coffee. "I've finished for the day, and I had a message on my phone from Esme that you were here and I should come downstairs and check in with you and make sure you were okay."

"Oh, well Holly is down there with Carlisle…"

"It's not Holly Esme was worried about. Obviously she's concerned for her," Edward clarifies quickly, "But Carlisle will be able to help Holly. It's you that Esme was worrying over."

I smile wryly. "Because I'm an emotional wreck and shitty dad who can't even hold his baby when she's sick and needs me?"

My voice breaks on the last word, and Edward leans his shoulder against mine.

"You're not a shitty dad," he says quietly. "Whatever else you might be…you're a great dad. But trauma doesn't just disappear, and it's hardly surprising if being in the hospital with Holly is hard for you after what you went through here with Rosalie."

Rosalie. My heart aches at the sound of her name and once again I wish, fiercely and impotently, that she had never left me.

It's been nearly five months, and I am still so lost without you. I wish you were here. I wish you had never gone. I miss you. I miss your touch and your voice and your laughter and support and love…I miss everything about you.

I hate the person I am without you.

"I was doing all right until that useless fucking doctor blew two veins and made her bleed and wanted to stick a needle into her head," I mutter. "That's when I lost my shit."

Edward winces. "I don't blame you. And honestly Em, I'm a surgeon and I slice and stitch people back together for a living but I still made Bella take Eliza for her vaccinations because I didn't want to watch somebody stick my daughter!"

I can't help laughing, and the tension eases a little. "How are Bella and Eliza?"

"Good. Eliza's starting to play the piano – cutest thing in the world. And Bella's doing pretty well. Baby's growing fine and we've set a date for the c-sec," Edward says a little tentatively.

"That's great." I take a long swallow of the coffee. "You know, I'm sorry I'm kind of…absent. I miss you guys a lot. But…"

I don't know how to finish, but Edward just smiles at me. The same way he's accepted me for who I am and where I'm at the whole time he's been my brother, he will accept this too. I give him a lopsided grin and feel some of the guilt drain away.

"It's okay," he says. "Bella and I understand, and I know that if something important came up you'd be there for me in a second, no questions. This pregnancy won't last forever…although right now Bella probably feels a bit like it will!"

"It gets like that," I say lightly. "Or so I was told." A memory of Rosalie, belly heavy with baby, drifts across my mind and I push it away and rise to my feet. "I need to go and see what's going on with Holly."

"Esme said she had the stomach flu?" Edward keeps pace with me.

"Yeah, all six of them were sick; it's been nothing but puking and shitting all day. The others are okay –miserable, but okay – but Holly looked so bad I had to bring her in." My anxiety rises again. "I should have brought her in earlier. I fucked that up…but it was the stomach flu. I didn't think it could be that bad…"

"Babies can dehydrate pretty quickly, especially with diarrhoea, and Holly's not even five months old," Edward says. "But I'm sure Carlisle's got a line into her now and once she's got some fluids on board she should be fine."

When I push the cubicle curtain aside I find Carlisle on his own. Holly is cradled gently in his arms, her lower leg heavily bandaged, with plastic tubing coming out and hooked up to an IV. She's crying, in a toneless moaning wail that makes my skin prickle and I instinctively reach for her, although I stop just short of lifting her from Carlisle's arms. I'm terrified of hurting her. "Can I…?"

"Of course." Carlisle hands her to me, and I curve my arms around her, biting back a sudden sting of tears as her body relaxes against my chest and her cries trail off with a final shuddering sigh.

"It's all right," I say hoarsely. "Daddy's here…it's all right."

"Oh, intraosseous access…interesting," Edward says, examining whatever it is Carlisle's done to Holly's leg.

"This is why doctors shy away from treating family," Carlisle says wryly. "That was rough. But she's okay Emmett. As you can see I tried another IV access and didn't get it." He touches her bare foot to show me the puncture mark and the growing bruise. "So I went in through the bone in her leg – that line goes straight into bone marrow and can be a good option when peripheral access is so difficult. She's getting fluids now, I've ordered some blood work to check on a few concerns, and I've given her some anti-emetics to settle her stomach"

"Fucking hell," I mutter. "Into her bone? Doesn't that hurt?!"

"It sounds worse than it is," Carlisle responds. "But look, she's going to sleep, and she wouldn't be doing that if she were in pain. I'm admitting her for fluid treatment and observation and she'll need to stay here until her blood work is normal and she's able to maintain her intake orally. We'll move you upstairs in a moment, they're just sorting out a room since we don't want to put her on the ward with a contagious stomach virus. She was my last patient for the day, so I can stay with you for now."

In my arms Holly feels limp and boneless, her eyes closing as she sinks into sleep. Carlisle rummages through the diaper bag and pulls out a blanket, draping it over her and tucking it under my arm. "Keep her warm." For a moment he squeezes the back of my neck, tender and comforting. "Come on, let's get the two of you settled upstairs."

Edward says goodbye and heads home, but Carlisle stays with me as Holly is admitted to the paediatric wing. We're given a small private room, and although there's a metal hospital crib set up for her and she's sound asleep, I can't bear to put her down. I take a seat in the armchair, tucking the blanket more closely around her, and kiss her sleeping face.

"The nurses will come in and do her obs regularly, and I've left orders for her bloodwork to be repeated in a few hours," Carlisle tells me. "They'll be able to use that IV port though, so it won't be an issue. You probably won't get a lot of sleep, but that chair folds down and they'll get you a blanket if you want to nap. Don't worry about things at home; I'm going to drive out there now and Esme and I will take care of everything until you can get back."

Hospitals are never really quiet, but the sounds outside the room are muffled and distant. I slide the armchair towards the window and sit with Holly in my arms, looking from her beautiful face to the sliver of the night sky I can see outside. Nearly five months on, the merciless agony of my grief has blunted edges, but the sorrow still feels inescapable.

Baby Holly, last time I sat in a hospital room with you in my arms I thought your mom was coming back.

There's a soft tap on the door, and then Angela comes in. "Hi," she says with a smile. "I've brought you some dinner." She holds up a bag. "Sandwiches. And Carlisle said he wasn't sure when you'd be able to get home, so I put in your toothbrush and some deodorant and a clean t-shirt."

"You didn't have to do that; it's not part of your job."

"I didn't do it because it's part of my job," Angela says gently. "I did it because I'm your friend."

And she pulls up a chair and tells me that the other kids are doing fine, and that she brought some peanut butter and jelly because she realised that we were so busy cleaning up all the puke that we forgot to eat lunch. She holds Holly while I eat, and somehow being in the hospital seems a little more bearable with her by my side.