It's the Groundhog's Day Episode!
PROLOGUE
MURDER?! NOW HOLD ON—
{Yes, murder... and that's not all... the frog had to win the snowboarding contest to save the youth center, there's a vampire on the loose, and the prom is tomorrow...?}
...TO BE CONTINUED…
Miraculous Migraine
Episode 27: Desperadately Dodging the Issue
By: I Write Big
Emotions are troubling.
We like to say the heart wants what the heart wants, but sometimes the heart wants three very different boys and the girl that that heart belongs to can't handle the concept of a fourway. Such was the baffling case of Marinette Dupain-Cheng.
"Adrien, Adrien, only Adrien," the bluenette chanted to herself over and over like a spell as she brought drinks to the bandmates of Kitty Section during their break from rehearsal. On the other side of the Couffaine houseboat, the members of the Adrinette Task Force were watching her carefully.
"So, do we keep trying to get Marinette with Adrien or…?" Mylene said.
Alya zoomed in on Marinette and caught a distinct blush as she gave Luka his drink.
"Much appreciated, Miss Dupain-Cheng," Luka said. Then he dropped to one knee and presented to her a wooden spoon. "Also, if you haven't any plans, would you do me the honor of accompanying me on a carriage ride through the countryside to see the spring flowers bloom—"
"ADRIEN! ADRIEN! ONLY ADRIEN!" Marinette shouted and stole Luka's guitar. She cranked the amp to 11 and proceeded to bash her head against the instrument to drown out the images in her head of her and Luka dancing in a magical castle surrounded by anthropomorphized furniture.
Alya eagerly streamed to her Two-Timing Hussy Blog. "I say we stay on course and exploit her emotional problems for our own entertainment."
"Got it," the ATF said.
"I didn't know you were interested in learning the guitar, Miss," Luka smiled through the horrible banshee screeches Marinette created with her forehead. "Allow me to show you the basics." He got behind her and grabbed the guitar's neck to form proper chords. With his close proximity, Marinette felt the spirit of Lady Noire channel through her and she remembered how she kissed Luka with picture-perfect clarity.
"A-Adrien," she stuttered out with each new chord. "Adrien, Adrien, Luka—Dammit! I meant Luka—No! Luka! Adrien! Chat N—FUCK!"
"Oh my Big Red X, I think I heard a third love interest in there," Alya cackled.
Suddenly, Marinette stopped playing. She sniffed the air and went pale. "Oh no… Luka, get away from me before—"
"Hi, everybody!" The door opened and in walked Adrien and Kagami. Every head in the boat snapped around. "Kagami and I ditched Fencing Class to hang out with you," Adrien announced.
"Such rash irresponsibility will no doubt bring great shame upon my family and I will have to duel my okaa-san to third blood when I get home," Kagami said. Despite her monotone, she was affectionately holding Adrien's arm. "But I am eager to have fyuuun."
"It's pronounced 'fun,' Kagami." Adrien's gleaming smile swept over his friends until his sights landed on the two with blue hair. "Oh, hi, Marinette, what are you and Luka doing?"
"NOTHING!" Marinette screeched.
"It appears, Maybe-More-Than-A-Friend Adrien, that Potential-Friend Marinette is participating in a Westerner Courting Ritual with her potential mate."
"D'awww, how cute—"
"NO, WE'RE NOT!" Marinette ripped the guitar off and chucked Luka out a porthole. There was a wet splash. Marinette quickly grabbed the tray of drinks and scrambled to Adrien. "I HAVE SHINGLES—SINGLE! I HAVE NEVER KISSED LUKA AND I AM SINGLE!"
"As am I, Potential-Friend Marinette," Kagami added, squeezing Adrien's arm.
Adrien got the signal and gasped theatrically. "You girls have so much in common. You should hang out more."
Kagami's mouth stretched into that horrific shark grin. "Yes, let us hung owt, Potential-Friend Marinette." Those nightmarish teeth combined with her empty soulless stare drained Marinette of every ounce of bravery she had. She kept glancing at how Kagami clung to her Adrien and wanted nothing more than to chop off the bitch's hands. If it was any other girl, she would. But Marinette knew she didn't stand a chance against this samurai.
"S-S-Sure," Marinette whimpered. "Can't wait."
"Splendid." The shark grin got sharper. "We shall make plans."
BOOM!
The entire boat shook and the beautiful notes of a piano tinkled in the air. A desperate voice called out. "Anarchy! Come back to me!"
Everyone immediately ran upstairs to see what was all the commotion, except Marinette and Alya.
"You know, Kagami might be onto something." Alya waggled an eyebrow.
"No!" Marinette glared at her. "I'm not getting together with Luka! I don't give a fuck what my heart says!" She grabbed a harpoon off the boat's wall and pointed it at her own chest. "Shut up, heart!" Marinette shouted at her traitorous organ. "I only like Adrien and I am not screwing a doorbell!"
"I used to say the same thing about girls, but now I can't get enough of them."
Up on deck:
Marinette and Alya arrived in time to see the tour bus onshore fire another volley of roses onto the SS Liberty. Atop the vehicle, playing a romantic piece on a piano, was Jagged Stone!
"I've searched all of Europe for you, baby! You're me muse! You're in me every dream! Say you'll play by me side again, Anarchy!"
Everyone turned to the mysterious Anarchy and saw he was talking to Captain Anarka Couffaine.
"Mom? You know Jagged Stone?" Juleka sighed. "And you never told me?"
"Yahar! Shove it up your blowhole, ya wannabe pirate!" Mrs. Couffaine snarled at Jagged. "I know your tricks. Ye only be here because ya fired your guitarist without reason. I ain't playing with ye no more."
"I had a bloody good reason! You! I found you, Anarchy!" Jagged pounded out a few passionate notes. "After you mysteriously disappeared for nine months on me seventeen years ago—"
"Seventeen?" Luka said as he climbed aboard the Liberty and spat out some water. "Why, that's how old this body is."
"—and then a little over a year later, after several nights of wild, rock-'n-roll-themed, extremely British sex, you disappeared on me again and never came back—"
"And that's about your age, sister," Luka noted.
"—I finally found the untameable woman who inspired me to pursue music. This must be why I'm stuck in this bloody country! I'm not going to lose you again!"
The grand declaration echoed down the Seine. Every person on the ship put it together at the same time and slowly looked at the very ashamed and flushed Mrs. Couffaine.
"Papa!" Luka waved at the rockstar.
Juleka turned green. "Oh gross, I have a crush on my dad."
"I've masturbated to your dad," Mylene said. No one else was willing to admit it but most of them were on the same list as Mylene.
"Enough of your sweet siren words, ya scurvy dog," Mrs. Couffaine said. "I won't be swayed. Take your vessel elsewhere. Yahar!" She went below deck.
Jagged's piano playing slowed to a sad blues number. "Me heart," he moaned. "It's bloody broken. Where will I find the love who can fill this void and play the guitar?" His attention drifted back to the ship and his eyes shot open. "Marinette! Me favorite designer! Tell me, do you know where I can find a guitarist who can also satisfy me sudden desire for family?"
Marinette stammered at the question. "Family? I don't—I, um—" Alya tapped her shoulder and pointed down the deck. The rest of the teens were pointing in the same direction. Marinette followed the fingers to Luka who was excitedly jumping up and down and calling, "Papa! Papa!" The sweet innocent sight melted her heart and—
"NO!" Marinette aimed the harpoon at her chest again. "Only Adrien, heart!"
Her heart became solid and sat quietly at its desk.
"I know exactly who you need, Jagged," Marinette said. "Adrien!"
"Really?" Jagged asked.
"Really?" everyone on the boat asked.
"Really!" Marinette said confidently. "Adrien is perfect in every way and can do anything. He's everything anybody could ever want. If somebody was having second thoughts about whether they could possibly do better than him, they'd be dead wrong."
"I can't play guitar," Adrien pointed out.
"See? Perfectly honest!"
Jagged didn't look convinced. "Are you sure? What about that bloke with the kickass shirt and the similar hairstyle to me own and me sexy jawline? He looks like the son I never had."
"Papa! It's me, Papa!" Luka kept calling.
"L-Luka?" Marinette blushed. "He, um, he's nice. I mean, he always listens and is super supportive and always knows what to say and brings a smile to my face and makes me laugh and is a great kisser and—FUCK! NO, HEART! NOOO!" She aimed the harpoon at her chest again until the fluttering stopped. Then she aimed the harpoon at Luka. "Give Adrien your guitar! Now!"
"As you wish, Miss," Luka nodded kindly and handed Adrien his instrument.
"Still don't know how to play," Adrien said.
"Y'up, Adrien is the perfect choice," Marinette said, smiling so wide she hurt her jaw. "First choice is the best choice. No need to explore any other options. At all."
There was a pause.
"If that is how you truly feel, Miss, then I shall respectfully not ask you on a date," Luka admitted defeat with dignity and grace.
Marinette gasped and dropped the harpoon. "Wait!" she wheezed. "You were gonna—"
"JAGGED STONE!" a new voice roared. Everyone turned to see a skull-faced Akuma with a guitar case on her back, standing atop the Liberty's mast. "I am Desperada! You said you fired me because you found the woman you loved, but instead I find you replacing me with some schoolkid?!"
"Who can't play guitar," Adrien reminded.
"Were you really going to ask me out?" Marinette asked Luka shyly.
Before he could reply, Mrs. Couffaine stormed back on deck. "This be her? This be the hussy ya replaced me with, Jag?"
Desperada's furious snarl dropped. "Whoa. Jagged, I did not know you were into GILFs."
"Women, like wine, only get finer with age," Jagged said proudly.
"Hey, I ain't judging." Desperada reached into her guitar case and from its radiating depths pulled out a trumpet shaped like a sniper rifle! "But I am kidnapping!" She aimed the trumpet at Mrs. Couffaine and shot a blast of magic. It struck the woman and she vanished with a POOF! On Desperada's guitar case appeared a Mrs. Couffaine sticker.
Desperada unleashed shot after shot on the ship, POOFing everyone in sight into stickers. During the musical desolation, Marinette slipped below deck.
"A boy wanted to ask me out," she squeaked in disbelief, her face on fire. "Luka wanted to ask me out."
Tikki appeared and rolled her bulbous eyes. "Yeah, yeah, and you shut him down. You're a strong independent woman. Good for you. Let's get a move on."
Marinette awkwardly tapped her fingers together. "Do you think he'd still ask me out if I said I was available?"
"For the love of Big Red X, make up your mind!"
Onshore:
The only ones who hadn't been captured yet were Luka and Adrien. "This way, Young Master," Luka said, leading him toward the street.
Their path was suddenly blocked by Desperada and her trumpet. "Where do you think you're going?"
"GET AWAY FROM MY CRUSHES, YOU BITCH!"
A pair of polka-dotted legs smashed into Desperada's face, launching the villain through Jagged Stone's abandoned bus.
"Run, hot stuffs!" Ladybug ordered.
"Uh 'crushes? Hot stuffs?' Plural?" Adrien asked, glancing at Luka.
"I SAID RUN!"
"As you say, Miss." Luka saluted and dragged the bewildered Adrien to safety. While Ladybug dealt with the Akuma, the boys hid near a bridge. "We should be safe here, for the time being, Young Master."
"Right, uh, Luka," Adrien cleared his throat and tried to remain calm, "do you know Ladybug?"
"Our paths have crossed from time to time."
"And would you say you have a... close relationship?"
"She is one of my dearest friends," Luka said politely.
"Friend? Just friends?"
"Yes."
Adrien heaved a sigh of relief.
"Although, I was planning to ask her on a date."
Adrien took that sigh of relief back.
"Oh dear!" Luka peeked out of their hiding spot and saw Ladybug being beaten into a corner with a literal guitar-ax. "Miss Ladybug needs aid." Taking his guitar back from Adrien, Luka stepped out into the open and proceeded to strum chords. Desperada spun around and braced herself for Luka's surprise attack!
He kept strumming.
Desperada waited for the boom.
He kept strumming.
"Are you… Are you just gonna play that or…?"
"I have sworn not to interfere. This is the most non-interference I can muster," Luka said.
"Whatever." Desperada aimed her horn at him. She was suddenly ensnared by an unbreakable yo-yo string.
"DON'T YOU TOUCH HIM!" Ladybug flung the Akuma over her shoulder and smashed the villain through the bridge. The ensuing geyser from the Seine reached beyond clouds.
Both Adrien and Luka gawked in awe at the display of strength.
"She never throws Akumas through bridges for me," Adrien grumbled.
"She's after both of you! I need to keep you hot stuffs safe!" Ladybug picked up the boys like they weighed nothing and scanned the street. She spotted a nearby manhole cover. "Perfect!"
Later, in the sewer:
Ladybug carried the boys along the water's edge, following the Lich King through the undead horde. "As thou can see, we have plenty of open space, millions of rats to dine on, and if thou ever needs to use the washroom, tis literally everywhere."
"Great, great, great, where can I hide these two?" Ladybug asked impatiently.
"Those meatsacks? Hmmm..." The Lich King stroked its decrepit rotted jowls in thought. "Thee can stick 'em in my Throne Room."
The Lich King led them to a room lined with lockers. A disturbing mountain of skulls in the vague shape of a chair stood in a ring of fire toward the back. Everyone was surprised by the good lighting, fridge full of snacks, and the espresso maker.
"Make thyself at home." The Lich King offered them bags of pretzels. "The wifi password is salmonella62."
"No time for snacks!" Ladybug shoved Adrien and Luka into some lockers. "You two hot stuffs stay safe. I'm going to get some backup." She stormed out of there.
The Lich King shrugged and turned on his Playstation. While the royal was distracted, Adrien slipped out of his locker and tiptoed out of the Throne Room.
"Uh, Plagg," he said uncertainly. "Is it just me or does Ladybug—"
"Have a thing for Luka? Totally, man," Plagg said. "You can finally have that threeway you always wanted. Congrats."
"I didn't want to do that with a guy!"
"Ugh, you humans are so picky. A hole is a hole."
Later, at the hidden tower:
Hawkmoth shook his fist at the spiral window. "Keep searching, Desperada! Ladybug and Chat Noir can't hide forever! Today will be the day! I can feel it! Muahaha—"
Ding-Dong!
"Nathalie, door," he called. Then he remembered Nathalie was unconscious on the gurney behind him. Hawkmoth groaned and got on the mini-elevator.
At the front door:
Gabriel opened the door and found a girl around Adrien's age on the porch. He didn't see any cookies for sale behind her.
"Um… yes?" he said.
"Hello there, I'm here to take my Chinese lessons with Mr. Fuu," the girl said pleasantly.
"Fuu?" Gabriel turned and caught the live-in tutor leaving the kitchen with a platter of junk food. Fuu froze mid-bite into a triple-decker sandwich. "Oh, yes! Fuu! Wow, I completely forgot you lived here now. Please keep the study sessions quiet. I'll be in my office." Gabriel headed back to the mini-elevator.
As soon as they were alone, Marinette grabbed Fu's chinbeard and lifted him off his feet.
"How you find me?" Fu squealed in fear, dropping the food.
"I overheard Adrien talking about his new favorite Chinese tutor living in his house. Who else 'carries a record player with him wherever he goes?'" she seethed. "How's life on the run treating ya?"
"Oh, is terrible," Fu assured. "They have Netflix, HBO, Prime, but no Disney+. Is third-world country in here."
"Wow, you're a martyr," Marinette snarled. "Where's the fucking Box?!"
Fu brought her to the guest room, which was three-times as big as her house, and removed the Miraculous Box from under the golden couch.
"The Akuma is after Adrien and Luka. I need a Miraculous that can make sure we will win," Marinette said as she examined the jewelry. "We won't get a second chance."
"'Second Chance?!'" Tikki gasped. "Oh no, we are not bringing out Sass!"
Marinette blinked. "What?"
"I don't care if the Snake Miraculous gives the power to redo something an unlimited amount of times until you get it right which is perfect for our situation. Sass has it out for me. He'll sniff out that the humans haven't been conquered in under five minutes." Tikki thought about this for a moment. "Unless..."
"Unless?" Marinette prompted.
Tikki gasped. "Unless you give the Miraculous to someone who has shown the ability to resist the temptation to take over the world! Yes, that's perfect! We already know someone who did that."
Marinet gasped as well. "You're right! I know exactly who we need," she said. "Adrien!"
"Really?" Tikki asked.
"Really?" Fu asked.
"Really!" Marinette said. "He's the perfect choice! No second thoughts! First choice is the best choice. No need to explore any other options. At all." Maintaining that painful smile, Marinette snatched the Snake Miraculous and raced out.
Later, back in the sewer:
Chat Noir was just about to climb out onto the street to join the fight when Ladybug crashed into him.
"M'Lady!" he struck his super-pose. "I was hoping I could talk to you about the boys you're interested in—"
"NOT NOW!" Ladybug beelined it through the sewers. "I need to give Adrien the Snake Miraculous before logic catches up to me! Adrien! Adrien! Only Adrien!"
"Give me the...?" Chat Noir gasped. "This is my chance. Plagg, claws in!" In a blast of black, he turned back into Adrien. "This is it, Plagg! I can finally spend time with Ladybug and make her fall in love with the real me!"
"Whoa, man, hold up," Plagg said worriedly. "She said Snake Miraculous. You don't have the right mind for Sass. Tikki and I don't do the possession thing, but Sass is crafty. He'll worm his way into your head, make you think that he's not listening, then, when you least expect, he'll—I'm talking to no one."
Adrien had chased after Ladybug a long time ago.
Later:
Ladybug arrived at the Throne Room and ripped open Adrien's locker. "Adrien, I—" He wasn't there.
"Ah, Miss," Luka stepped out of his locker. "Have you already defeated the Akuma? I always believed in you—"
"SHUT UP!" Ladybug shouted at him and her heart. She shoved Luka back in his locker and blocked it with a wall of skulls. She burst out of the room and screamed down the sewers, "Adrien! Where are you!?"
"Here," Adrien said, right behind her.
"Hot stuff!" She whipped around and grabbed him. "Hurry, before I think about this too hard—"
"Ladybug." He gently took her hand. "I'm honored that you'd choose me and I accept."
At his words, the unsure desperateness left her heart. She'd chosen her Adrien. And with that choice returned the sexy self-confidence. "That's what I like to hear, hot stuff," she growled playfully and gave him a spank. Adrien quickly covered his crotch. With a lecherous grin, she held up the oriental jewel box. "Now, how about you slip this on and we can get started."
Adrien eagerly opened the box.
A shimmering turquoise ball of light spawned from within. The sewers were filled with the hissing of thousands of snakes and the wails of the damned as they drew their last breath. The unholy cries froze Ladybug and Adrien's blood. The ball of light coalesced into a snake-like kwami.
"Greetingsss," Sass said. His slitted viper eyes calmly scanned their surroundings, taking in the moaning and groaning undead. "My my," he said with a mild smile. "It appearsss Trixx wasss not exaggerating. You really do have the human filth on the ropesss. You're doing better than I thought, Tikki."
"Y'up, on the ropes," Ladybug agreed, wondering why Tikki had been so worried. Sass seemed rather calm and levelheaded, even nice.
"Perhapsss too well," Sass added.
Nobody moved.
"It'sss been a while, but I don't recall humansss hanging their disssgusssting entrailsss outssside of their belliesss." Sass squinted suspiciously at the undead and their exposed intestines. He moved closer.
"H-Hey, look over here! It's your own personal human slave!" Ladybug shoved Adrien in front of Sass and whispered into the boy's ear, "Play along."
"Lowly human filth at your service, Master," Adrien bowed.
"Why don't you take this human filth out on a test drive?" Ladybug suggested.
Sass hummed at Adrien as if considering whether he was worthy. "Ick, all that hair, revolting. I prefer my humansss shaved, but you'll do for now. Don your collar, ssslave, and sssay 'Sass, ssscalesss ssslither.'"
Adrien quickly slipped on the bracelet and repeated the magic words. In a torrent of turquoise, he transformed into a snake-themed hero, complete with reptile scales and a snake-themed lyre. Adrien examined his new supersuit, amazed at how similar yet different it felt to being Chat Noir.
"Whoa, this is so..." He saw Ladybug staring at him. It wasn't her I'm-gonna-make-your-sexy-ass-mine kind of stare he was used to, it was more of a disturbed what-the-fuck-is-that stare. Adrien checked his reflection in the sewer water and saw a pair of slitted snake eyes staring back at him. He remembered how his Lady had always been weirded out by his feline eyes. These were worse. Mostly because snakes don't blink. "Uh, sorry about—"
"You look great!" Ladybug blurted through a smile that made her look like she was trying to swallow a fistful of rusty nails. "Flawless! Couldn't be better!"
"Are you… sure?"
"Yeah! You were the right choice! Best Choice! First choice is the best choice! No regrets!" The corners of that smile twitched. "Lucky Charm!" She quickly tossed her yo-yo into the air and down tumbled a polka-dotted horse saddle.
"A saddle?" Adrien grinned. "Why? Is Desperada feeling horse?"
He instantly regretted the pun. The shocked look on Ladybug's face made him fear that the quip had been too Chat-Noir-ish. Had he already exposed himself?!
"Hahahahahahah!"
Adrien stared. He tried to blink in astonishment but, again, snakes can't do that. Ladybug was laughing. At a pun.
"HAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAH! Oh my Big Red X, that was so funny!" Ladybug forced out. Those rusty nails she was chewing on must've been extra sharp because her smile looked like the definition of strained.
"Uh, are you sure? It's okay if you didn't like my joke—"
"You're hilarious! The funniest guy I've ever met!" Ladybug shouted over him. "Why wouldn't you be funny? You're perfect! In every way! Best choice!" Twitch, twitch. "Let me explain your power!" She pointed at his wrist that had the Miraculous. "You're basically the movie Groundhog's Day, you can repeat the last five minutes as many times as you need. Neat, huh?"
"Yeah, I guess," he said, still a little weirded out by her dodging. With a twist, he activated Second Chance.
"Great! Then let's get up there and beat Desperada!" Ladybug began scaling the sewer ladder.
"Wait, Ladybug!" Adrien scrambled after her. "What about Chat Noir?"
"Ch-Chat Noir?" Ladybug blushed. "I mean, um, he's not bad. He always fights by my side, would do anything to protect me, is brave and loyal to the point of stupidity, he's always willing to help me out when I ask, his purrs are more soothing than any massage, and he has surprisingly good taste in movie—" She realized what she was saying. "NO! FUCK!" Ladybug burst out of the sewer and frantically searched the streets for something sharp to threaten her heart with.
"Ladybug! We should stick together!" Adrien had just surfaced when a blast of magic bounced off a car window and struck Ladybug. She went POOF!
"Dammit!" Adrien twisted the Miraculous and he suddenly found himself back in the sewer with Ladybug again.
"Great!" Ladybug said forcefully. "Then let's get up there—"
"—and fight Desperada, right. Heard you the first time," he said confidently.
"First time? We already lost?" she stammered. Then she swooned. "And you saved me! Oh, I knew you were the right choice, hot stuff!" She wrapped him in a tight hug. "No regrets! No second thoughts! You're perfect!" With all the denial in the world, Ladybug climbed up the ladder.
"Right… perfect," Adrien muttered and followed. He was starting to not like that word.
On the street:
Adrien guided Ladybug down an empty street in the opposite direction of where she got shot last time. There was no sign of Desperada. Adrien steeled himself, ready to prove to Ladybug that Adrien Agreste could be just as good as Chat Noir.
"Hey, hot stuff."
Before he knew what was happening, Ladybug had Adrien pinned against a wall. A rose was firmly clenched between her teeth as she leaned against him with her Amazonian strength.
"I've been waiting a long time for this," she said huskily, running a hand along his scaly abs. "Just you and me in tight spandex."
Adrien saw his opportunity and said huskily right back, "I'd rather see what's under the spandex, M'Lady."
Instantly, all thirst fled from Ladybug and was replaced with stunned gobsmack. That was just as quickly replaced with the now-familiar pained smile. "Yeah, haha, 'cause that's what I want, you to dirty talk back to me. Exactly like I dreamed. P-Perfect."
POOF!
Ladybug disappeared. In her place stood Desperada, hefting her guitar-ax. "I couldn't tell," she said. "Was Ladybug seducing you or assaulting you?"
"Dammit!" Adrien twisted his Miraculous.
Earlier, back in the sewers:
"Great! Then let's get up there and—"
Adrien grabbed Ladybug's hand and pulled her deeper into the sewer. "We've already lost several times, Ladybug. If we're gonna survive, you need to do what I say."
Ladybug blushed as red as her costume. "You're taking charge? Mmm, yeah, big boy, take charge of me," she purred, reminding Adrien of Lady Noire.
"No! None of that!" Adrien said, resisting every urge to do as she wanted. He brought them up a new manhole and he pressed himself against a bus. Ladybug pressed herself against him. "Get off, Ladybug. You need to focus on the fight."
"How can I focus when I've got everything I could ever want right here?"
Adrien resisted for a few more seconds—which in his hormone-riddled mind lasted several lifetimes—then gave in. He matched Ladybug's smirk and grabbed two handfuls of polka-dotted booty. "I know what you mean."
Once again. Shock. Pained smile. "Whoa, ha, no, I, haha, I expected this. Y'up, totally expected and wanted this. This is perfect—"
POOF!
"Were you two about to bone?" Desperada asked from atop the bus.
"Dammit!" Adrien rolled under the bus and said, "I think I'm starting to see a pattern," before he twisted his Miraculous.
5,984 Second Chances Later:
Desperada aimed her trumpet at the heroes' backs. Right before she pulled the trigger, they turned and she saw they had mustaches.
"Oh, you're not Ladybug and Chat Noir. My bad." Desperada left.
"Adrien, you're so smart!" Ladybug cooed.
"Mustache gracias, Ladybug." He winked.
Shock. Pained smile. Floundering at the crumbling image of her idyllic Adrien that accidentally knocked off her mustache. "Oops."
POOF!
"Dammit!"
11,998 Second Chances Later:
"Surprise attack!" Adrien roared as he and Ladybug dived at Desperada.
"Surprise attacks are supposed to be quiet!" Desperada snarled as she turned around and fired.
POOF!
"Dammit!"
16,007 Second Chances Later:
Desperada searched the alleyway that Ladybug and the new green boy had ducked into, her trumpet raised and ready.
Bonk.
She stared down at the snake-themed lyre that had harmlessly bounced off her.
"Seriously? What the hell does it do?!" she heard the boy cry.
"It wasn't your fault! It was hers! You're perfect!" she also heard Ladybug cry.
Desperada turned and fired.
POOF!
"Dammit!"
19,243 Second Chances Later:
"You know what, fuck it!" Adrien stopped running down the street and grabbed Ladybug's shoulders. "Ladybug, I'm also actually Chat Noir and I have been in love with you since our eyes first met!" he quickly said and pulled her into a powerful kiss.
Desperada, hot on their tails, was just about to fire but Hawkmoth stopped her. "Whoa, whoa, hold up," he said. "I wanna see where this goes."
For a while, it went nowhere.
The kiss ended.
Ladybug simply stared back at Adrien with a blank unreadable expression.
"Ladybug? Hello?" Waved his hand in her face but that had no effect. "Did you hear me? I said I'm Chat No—"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Ladybug bellowed in horror. She grabbed her head and wailed to the heavens. Then Ladybug abruptly cut herself off with a slack-jawed look of peace and tranquility.
"L-Ladybug?"
"Oh hi, Adrien," she said happily. "Are you ready to fight the Akuma?"
"ADRIEN?!" Hawkmoth gasped.
"Uh..." Adrien glanced at Desperada who was just as freaked out as him. "Are you okay? What was with the shouting?"
"What shouting?"
"The shouting when I told you I was Chat Noir."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Ladybug bellowed.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Hawkmoth bellowed.
"I don't know who Adrien is. I have no stake in this," Desperada said.
"Okay, never doing this again." Adrien twisted his Miraculous.
25,319 Second Chances Later:
Desperada collapsed to the ground, hog-tied with the saddle. It had been a long and desperate struggle but the heroes had won.
"We did it!" Adrien cheered. "We finally did it!"
Ladybug pulled him close and traced a finger across his lips. "And it's all thanks to you, hot stuff. I knew I made the right choice. You're perfect. How about you take those spandex off so we can celebrate?" The double-meaning was not lost on the boy as he eagerly reached to remove his Miraculous.
His hand stopped on its own.
"What the fuck?" he tried to say, but the words didn't come. Instead, a hissing voice rattled out his throat. "What isss the meaning of thisss?"
Ladybug's eyes bulged and she jumped back.
"Thisss creature isssn't human resssissstance, Tikki." Sass glowered at Desperada. "Did you really think I wouldn't recognizzze one of Nooroo'sss playthingsss?"
"Oh, um, you know," Ladybug waved off the claim, "sometimes we fight the humans, sometimes we fight Nooroo and Duusu—"
"DUUSSSU ISSS FREE?!" Sass reared on Ladybug. There wasn't a hint of the calm reason, only soulless hate, only a monster. Ladybug finally understood Tikki's fear. "It took millennia to get that maniac locked up and you let it out!? I wasss right to dissstrussst you, Tikki. You've clearly fucked up!"
"Hey, hey, come on, Sass, let's talk about this," Ladybug started to say.
Sass grabbed her collar and, to her horror, sprouted fangs. "There'sss nothing to talk about. I'm putting an end to thisss charade." His jaw opened and opened and opened, unhinging far beyond what a human is capable of and the air reeked with Adrien's cheese breath.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!" Ladybug screamed and pointed in a random direction.
Sass looked and Ladybug quickly twisted his Miraculous.
Earlier, back in the sewers:
"Great! Then let's get up there and—"
"Sass, scales rest!" Adrien shouted. In a torrent of turquoise, his supersuit went away and Sass appeared.
"What?" the kwami hissed. "How dare you, ssslave! We haven't punished Tikki yet for her—"
Adrien shoved the Miraculous into Ladybug's hands and Sass vanished from existence. He didn't respond to the girl's questions about why he did that. He couldn't. His mind was still stuck on what had happened. He had finally gotten it right, only to be taken over. He could still remember what Sass had made him say, what he had nearly done to the girl he loved.
"Ladybug, I'm not the right choice for this," he said.
The pained smile returned. "What? Of course you're the right choice. You're perfect, Adrien. In every way."
"I failed, Ladybug, over 25,000 times. I'm sorry."
"You? Fail? No way! I must've fucked up, not you. You can't suck at this like Chat Noir. You're perfect!"
"Really?" He pointed at the polka-dotted saddle in her arms. "Even with that horse pun?"
"Hahaha! That was hilarious, I'm still laughing because of how funny and not cringe-worthy it was, can't you tell? See, Adrien, you're perfect."
Adrien watched her and her desperate need for a moment. She reminded him of a child repeatedly claiming Santa wasn't a homicidal maniac who went around lancing the naughty. He knew what had to be done. "Ladybug, I'm not perfect."
"A pear fit? You're absolutely not. You're more like an Adonis."
"No, I said I'm not perfect."
"Prefect? Pfft! You're not a prefect, you're a model."
"Stop changing the word. I'm not—"
"Prefit? Haha! Oh yeah, these spandex slip on like a glov—"
"Ladybug!" He glared into her eyes. That glare cut through every last line of her defenses. The mask of the pained smile cracked. And from the crack seeped a tear.
"You're…" Ladybug sniffled and shuddered as the rose-colored glasses finally slipped off. "You're not perfect," she whispered.
"And that's okay." He wiped the girl's tear away and held her. "It's okay if there are things about me you don't like. I'll still always be there for you. I'm just not the right choice for you."
Ladybug tensed. "Rephrase! REPHRASE!"
"We gave us a shot and we just didn't work well together."
"THAT'S EVEN WORSE!"
"But you shouldn't let that get you down. There are plenty of fish in the sea. You need to put yourself out there and find the one for you."
"WE'RE TALKING ABOUT MIRACULOUS AND NOTHING ELSE!"
Just then, Luka arrived. "Young Master, Miss Ladybug, there you are," he said. "I followed the echo of your cries. Is everything quite all right?"
"WHO THE HELL LET YOU OUT?!"
Adrien gasped as he got a bright idea. "Of course! Luka! He's brave, determined, and caring. Why not choose him? He'd be a perfect match for you. You'd be so happy together."
"STOP SAYING IT LIKE THAT!"
"Choose me?" Luka asked, dumbfounded. "But, Miss, I thought you had your heart set on the Young Mast—"
"WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT THAT!"
"You treat her well, Luka," Adrien said and trotted off.
"Adrien, wait!" Ladybug grabbed his arm and managed to control her voice. She looked up at him with such beseeching eyes. "You know you'll always be perfect to me, right?"
"I know, Ladybug," he said. Then he told Luka, "Make her happy."
"I shall cherish every moment, Young Master," Luka promised.
"STOP MAKING THIS WEIRD!" Ladybug begged.
As soon as Adrien was out of sight, Plagg floated over to him. "So, how did it go, man? Sass made you eat her, didn't he?"
"It wasn't a complete waste," Adrien said with surprising smugness.
"Oh?"
"I learned that, despite her confident exterior, Bugaboo isn't that comfortable with intimacy. Combine that with her distinctive hair and short temper and you get a very unique girl."
Plagg was taken aback. "Hold on, are you saying you think you know who Ladybug is?"
"I just spent months with her, Plagg. I don't think. I know. M'Lady is someone I've known for a while now. There's no way she could be anyone else."
Plagg couldn't believe it. It had happened. It had finally happened!
Adrien struck a proud pose and pointed to the heavens. "Ladybug's secret identity is..." Pause for dramatic effect. "Kagami!"
Plagg resisted the powerful urge to strangle. Barely. The kwami took a deep calming breath. "Adrien, may I remind you that you have fought an akumatized Kagami at Ladybug's side not once but twice."
"Exactly!" Adrien eagerly agreed. "Only M'Lady could be clever enough to pull off that trick. It has to be Kagami."
"...fuuuUUUCK!" Plagg said.
Nearby:
"Oh, this is wonderful!" Luka cheered. "Where shall we start, Miss? A stroll along the river? Perhaps some ice cream? Oooh, I read on the Internet about this curious Croatian dating tradition that involves sticking coins into apples."
Ladybug stopped her fruitless search for something to threaten her melting heart with and growled at Luka. "We're not dating! That's not what this is!"
"Oh. I see."
His disappointment reminded her of a wounded puppy. It nearly guilt-tripped Ladybug into changing her mind right then and there, but a quick headbutt against the brick wall fixed that. She quickly held out the oriental jewel box. "This is what we were talking about."
Luka took a step back. "But, Miss, I swore to the Universe I wouldn't—"
"This isn't interfering," she said. "Luka, I'm asking for your help. The Universe didn't say anything about help, right?"
He thought it over and smiled. "No, they did not."
Ladybug smiled back and allowed her heart to flutter just a little longer. "Then please help me."
Luka opened the box and, just like before, a shimmering ball of light spawned and coalesced into Sass. The kwami instantly hissed at Ladybug.
"Tikki, you fool! You exposssed your missstake of freeing Duusssu and you sssummon me back?" Sass bared his fangs. "You're ssstupider than I thought. Thisss world will belong to me. I shall end you and the human filth. Ssslave, I command you to—" Sass saw Luka. "Who are you? Where isss my ssslave?"
"Salutations!" Luka said. "My name is Luka, I collect rubber bands. Would you like to see my collection?"
Sass stared at the human filth, unsure what a rubber band was. "Uh, sssure."
"Splendid!" Luka happily pulled piles of variously colored bands from his pockets and presented them to the kwami. "They come in all sorts of designs. They're quite remarkable."
"Yesss…" Sass examined the trinkets with great interest. He stretched and snapped them, fascinated. There had been nothing like this in the kwami's treasure trove. "Truly amazing…"
"And if you gather enough, you can create rubber band balls!" Luka plucked out a colorful sphere of rubber that absolutely enraptured Sass. The snake kwami hefted the ball that was bigger than him and gazed deeply into its crisscrossing mass. His long tail rattled with delight. He was hypnotized.
"I have never beheld sssuch beauty," he whispered.
Ladybug, who had watched this weird interaction with great confusion, saw an opportunity and jumped in. "You can keep that, Sass," she sweetly said.
"I can?" Sass gasped, his viper eyes sparkling.
"What—" Luka started to say before Ladybug covered his mouth.
"Yeah, Sass, you can keep that if you help us out with the fight and don't tell the rest of the kwamis about Duusu." She gave Luka a pleading look and whispered, "Please."
The boy sighed and nodded.
"Deal! Ha! Tikki, you fool!" Sass sneered. "You could've bought my sssilence with only one of thessse gloriousss rubber bandsss. No more negotiationsss. Ssslave, sssay 'Sass, ssscalesss ssslither,' and let usss fight!"
"Very well. Sass, scales slither." In a torrent of turquoise, he transformed into another snake-themed hero. He smiled at Ladybug. "I'm truly happy you trust me enough for this, Miss. I, Viperion, shall not fail you."
Ladybug slapped a hand over her mouth before the girly giggle could escape. She didn't dare say it out loud, but scales looked way better on Luka. Hotter.
"M'Lady!" called someone she'd forgotten existed. Chat Noir joined them with the goofiest grin she'd ever seen. "Ready for another one of our duels?" he asked her with a huge obvious wink.
Ladybug blinked. "Huh?"
"It is a pleasure to fight alongside you, Young Master Chat Noir." Viperion shook Chat Noir's hand with a similar huge obvious wink.
Ladybug blinked again. "Huh?"
"Likewise, stranger who definitely isn't Luka." Chat Noir returned that huge obvious wink with interest.
Ladybug blinked once more. "Wait, are you guys into each other?"
Later, on the surface:
Ladybug cautiously stuck her yo-yo out of the manhole and searched the horizon like it was a periscope. She spied Desperada in her sniping nest atop the Eiffel Tower.
"Seriously, why a saddle? Is Desperada feeling horse?" Chat Noir snarked as Ladybug climbed down.
Ladybug spasmed and shrieked, "Chat Noir, enough with your awful puns, for fuck's sake!"
To her surprise, the cat-boy teared up and hugged her. "Oh, LB, I've missed your honesty."
"OFF! GET OFF!" she demanded as her heart was completely goo-ified.
"I admire her brutal candor as well," Viperion said and tried to join the hug. Chat Noir hissed and swiped a paw at him until he backed off. "Never mind."
Ladybug eventually punched Chat Noir through a wall and led the two through the sewers until they were under the Eiffel Tower. "Desperada is directly above us, guys. Let's fucking end this!"
"Yeah!" Chat Noir cheered. He turned to give Viperion a high-five but he wasn't there. "Uh, M'Lady, did we lose—"
Suddenly the manhole above them opened. Viperion stuck his head in.
"There you are," he said. "Splendid news, I've taken care of the Akuma."
Ladybug and Chat Noir stared. "What?"
Up above:
The heroes climbed to the surface and found utter ruin. The Eiffel Tower was nothing but shrapnel and at the center of the wreckage was Desperada, unconscious and sporting a heavy red lyre-shaped bruise on her head.
"I took the liberty of restraining the villain, Miss. You only need to de-evilize," he gallantly explained to the gaping teens.
"Not that I'm complaining, but I asked you to help us, not do the job for us," Ladybug said.
"Oh, I did, Miss. I attempted to aid you approximately 537 times—more than half of which resulted in your deaths—before concluding that you were too distracted to defeat Desperada."
"Bugaboo? Distracted?" Chat Noir asked knowingly. "By what?"
"Not entirely sure. Something about Miss Ladybug's heart and our abs and being constantly surrounded by 'hot stuff,' as she put it."
"Whoa, LB, are you having heartburn problems?"
Ladybug practically burst into flames with embarrassment. Before the boys could put the pieces together, Ladybug quickly de-evilized the Akuma and cast Miraculous Ladybug.
The Eiffel Tower was put back together.
All of the POOFed sticker people were returned.
Desperada turned back into a normal woman that nobody cares about named Vivica.
As Chat Noir was left behind to worry about Ladybug's health issues, Ladybug dragged Viperion to a distant alleyway. He removed his Miraculous and Sass returned with his rubber band ball.
"Haha! Thisss arrangement isss to my liking, Tikki. If you can provide me more of thessse richesss, ssslave, I may be inclined to help further."
"It was a pleasure working with you, Sass," Luka said, waving a wistful final goodbye to his precious rubber. He returned the Miraculous to Ladybug and the kwami and the ball vanished from existence. "And thank you for trusting me, Miss," Luka continued. "I know I haven't the greatest history when it comes to dealing with world issues, but I hope my performance was satisfactory. And, of course, I wish you and the Young Master many years of happiness."
Ladybug smiled a sad smile. There he went again. Kindly making sure everything was just right for her. She wished she knew how to quell her heart peacefully, how to bring this mad dance to an end without hurting Luka, but there was no way around it. She needed to bite the bullet and tell Luka that he's wonderful, amazing in fact, and agree that she couldn't be with him.
"I don't know what I'm doing," she said.
It was quiet for a while.
"Pardon?" Luka finally asked.
"I don't know what I'm doing," she repeated and proceeded to ramble out everything. "I thought it was simple. I thought all that mattered was that I love Adrien and nobody else because he was the only person who was ever kind to me but then you came along and were just as kind and then Chat Noir turned out to be a sensitive romantic when he didn't know he was talking to me and now I can even stand him. Can you believe that? Chat Noir! I like Chat Noir! HOW?! It's crazy! It got even crazier after Lady Noire! Ever since that nympho woke up a side of me I never even knew existed I've had to take a cold shower every 24 hours or else it's a sleepless night filled with R-rated playgirl fantasies that won't go away! And I told myself, 'That's fine. Your thoughts can wander. You can like Chat and Luka, but they'll never be as perfect as Adrien.'"
Ladybug took a deep shaky breath and her frantic face dropped to a frown.
"Except he's not perfect. He has flaws. Like Chat. Like you. And I don't know what to do with that."
"I see," Luka said after another long moment of silence. "I believe the proper response is… that sucks."
Ladybug snorted. Sucks. It wasn't exactly a swear, but considering it came from Luka, he might as well have said life's a cocksucking whore who can kiss the fattest part of his ass. The snort became a chuckle, then a laugh. Ladybug laughed and laughed. When the laughter ended she felt better than she had that entire day.
"Is it okay if I don't know?" she asked. "Just for a bit longer?"
He took her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. "Miss, take all the time you need."
Later, on the Liberty:
Kitty Section was jamming out while everyone else watched. While the kids played, Jagged Stone sullenly approached Mrs. Couffaine and Vivica.
"I get that you've moved on, Anarchy," he said. He gazed longingly at Juleka and Luka. "You have kids, a family, and I can't come between that. As much it hurts, I need to move on too. I have to find me own way."
"Thank ye, Jagged," Mrs. Couffaine said.
"And, Vivica, the guitarist position is still yours if you want it."
Vivica smiled. "I'll see you at practice, Jagged."
Their friendships fixed, Jagged Stone stepped away to join the jam session.
"He has no idea they're his kids, does he?" Vivica asked.
"No, and we be keeping it that way unless ye want to be keelhauled," Mrs. Couffaine hissed.
Nearby:
Marinette watched both Adrien and Luka play, for once not caring about how her chronically melting heart kept tugging her back and forth and sometimes toward a third not-present leather-clad boy who will remain nameless. She was content to sit here and enjoy the day.
"I believe I made a mistake, Potential-Friend Marinette," a monotone interrupted. Marinette glanced to the side and spotted Kagami. "Is it true that I misunderstood your Westerner Courting Ritual and you have no interest in mating with Potential-Threat Luka?"
The blunt question stabbed Marinette like a dagger. "I don't—I'm not—I mean, I wouldn't say I'm against it—But I—He's—"
"She's still on the fence," Alya translated as she streamed Marinette's sweaty face to the It's Complicated Blog.
"There are no fences on this boat," Kagami said.
"No, I mean she's still unsure about which boy she likes."
"I do not understand," Kagami said. "If Potential-Friend Marinette does not know which boy she wishes to mate with, why not date the boys who interest her and see who she prefers? Is that not the purpose of dating?"
"It's not that simple!" Marinette screeched.
"I see," Kagami said solemnly. Then she turned to the boys and asked loudly, "Maybe-More-Than-A-Friend Adrien, will you go out with me?"
The song abruptly halted. An incredulous silence filled the boat. It was that kind of silence where people often claim to hear a pin drop or a fly sneeze or a ghost fart. Every jaw was hanging open wider than a barnyard door and every eye was cemented to the two teens. As for Marinette, double whatever you're picturing in your head and add a few facial spasms.
Adrien, for his part, looked surprised, and even a little embarrassed. He sipped his drink. He shuffled his feet. He glanced around the boat as if weighing his options, as is customary in such situations.
Finally, he smiled. "Sure."
"It appears you were wrong," Adrien's new girlfriend told Marinette.
END
Yes, it is that simple.
Next week: IKARI GOZEN!
Math facts: If we're generous and say Adrien/Aspik lasted 4 minutes for almost every one of his 25,319 Second Chances, then he spent over 70 straight days failing. That's 70 complete 24-hour days. My God, he sucks at this!