Chapter 28 – Flip of a Switch
Our lives were lived from one day to the next. Hour by hour, breath after breath. We were on borrowed time, and none of us knew how much longer we had left.
That first attack on our home had destroyed the little feeling of refuge we had been clinging to, and once that was stripped from us, we could never fully relax again. There was no safe place in the world for us, and we could never stop fighting. One day at a time. One heartbeat, and then another.
Every once in a while, between weapon training and tending the garden, I'd torture myself by looking at my growing daughter and wonder what her life would have been like if the world hadn't ended. Would she have loved The Lion King as much as I did? Would she have made friends and believed in fairytales rather than the nightmares and fear she was constantly surrounded by? Would my dad have adored her as much as we did? Then again, had the world not ended, would she even exist?
That question bothered me more than anything. I loved Edward with everything inside of me, but had we both not been forced to change from the people we were, our lives might not have ever intimately intertwined.
"What are you daydreaming about?" Rose asked knowingly as her weeding brought her closer to the area of the garden that I was working in. "Strawberry ice cream again?"
I smiled wistfully. "If only."
"God, I miss those stinky cows," she said as she looked off into the distance longingly. "Damn zombies ruin everything."
"At least some of the chickens have survived and we still get eggs," I said, trying to look on the bright side.
"It's because the damn things are little chicken-shits and know when to hide," Rose said with a smirk.
"It's a miracle they've lasted this long. Never mind the zombies, I'm surprised other natural predators haven't gotten them yet."
"It's been two months since we've had an attack. Emmett's been talking about maybe making another trip to the Amish so he can ask for a couple of roosters. If we can breed some here, we will always have chickens."
I sighed. "I just can't help but wonder why we started getting attacked here in the first place. Our surrounding towns were vacant. Other than Charlotte's screams, I don't know how they found us here."
"Even her screaming shouldn't have given away our location like that. A baby crying can't be heard from miles away. It's just so odd… Unless all the hordes have been on the move. Maybe they're starving enough to make them travel further distances."
I nodded. "They could have just been passing through and happened to hear her. But we've had so many attacks since then; even after her colic stopped."
"Yeah, but a horde passing would probably search all the houses as they go anyway. Even when we were getting attacked more regularly, it wasn't every night."
"That's true."
"Momma!" I heard a little voice call to me, so I turned and smiled at her little happy face as she toddled towards me.
"Hi baby!" I squealed at her. "Did you have fun fishing with daddy and Uncle Seth?"
"No fishes," she said with her hands up in a shrug.
"No fish?" I asked her, but then looked up at Edward for confirmation.
"I'm starting to think we caught all the fish already," Edward said. "It doesn't seem like they've bred since we started going there."
Not long after Charlotte was born, the guys stumbled upon an old reservoir a couple of miles from our house. It had fish, but over the two years it had been since we found it, we had seen a steady decline in the amount of fish we were catching.
"And all the stores around here are pretty much out of non-perishables," Rose stated what we already knew.
Our limited resources were just about gone, and even though none of us were ready, we were approaching the time where we would need to leave our home in search for somewhere more sustainable.
"I was hoping Char would be a bit older before we had to leave," Edward said as he considered the idea of moving on.
"We might not have much of a choice," I said quietly.
"Yeah," Edward huffed. "Let's go get the guys so we can all discuss it."
Rose and I brushed ourselves off and I scooped Charlotte in my arms to follow Edward to go look for Emmett and Seth.
It was not something any of us wanted to do. Our house was riddled with patches and looked like it was decades older than it actually was, but it was still standing. It did its job and protected us when we needed it the most. We basically only had a few chickens and our garden left for food, but that was more than we would have if we left.
"But we can't survive on a couple eggs and vegetables alone," Emmett argued. We haven't even been able to hunt rabbits or pheasants in a while. This place is just… barren."
"Wolfe and Sam are getting skinny. Dogs need meat, and we don't have any," Seth added.
"We all need meat," Rose agreed.
"So, we leave then," Edward concluded. "Let's harvest the garden one more time, fill the cars with anything we can, and that will be it."
None of us agreed verbally, but we didn't have to either. Our silence was our confirmation and even if we had our doubts, Edward was our unofficial leader and we would all go along with his decision.
Going through our home and trying to decide what was important enough to take was difficult. It was all important; if it wasn't, we wouldn't have it. Even with three vehicles, however, we didn't have room to bring much since we would also be sleeping in said vehicles. Most important to me was Charlotte's things. She didn't have many toys, but what she did have were very special to her. She was already potty trained, so I was happy we didn't need to bring diapers. Other than her toys, a few outfit changes each, our family pictures, and whatever food we had left, we would have to leave everything else behind.
"I'm so glad we found this van," Rose said as she loaded a few of her things inside.
"Me too. It will give us plenty of room to move around," Emmett said with wiggling brows.
"Oh stop!" Rose giggled as she slapped him. When he pretended to be hurt, she smiled and kissed him tenderly.
"Get a room!" Seth grumbled as he walked past them to fill the truck cab with the things he needed. Seth was still slightly bitter that Rose and Emmett got together, which was both funny and kind of sad at the same time.
"She is supposed to be a lesbian!" he had complained bitterly the first time he caught them kissing.
It wasn't that he wanted Rosalie for himself, but he was upset that he was the only one left without a partner. I could only imagine the loneliness he felt, and I was sincerely sad for him.
"Seth, you of all people, should be excited to leave," Emmett told him. "Maybe we will find some more people out there somewhere. Or a she-zombie will attack and you'll find your soulmate."
Seth shrugged. "With my luck, any cured she-zombie would be super old, super young, or a lesbian. But I guess the whole lesbian thing worked out for you."
"I was never a lesbian," Rose retorted.
"I'm sure Irina would disagree," Seth countered like a smartass, which prompted Emmett to smack him in the back of the head.
"It's good to see we are starting this journey on the right foot," Edward grumbled as he came outside with his arms full of blankets.
"Daddy, me help?" Charlotte asked him.
"Of course, you can help, princess," he said, handing her the corner of the blanket he was carrying.
"Momma, me help!" she told me excitedly.
"Yeah, you are the best helper," I agreed with a smile.
The truck we were taking was a newer one that had a camper on the bed. It was slightly bigger than our old truck we had gotten years ago from Jimmy, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss our old one. It had gotten us through so much, and a part of me felt odd setting out on the road in something else. At least Seth would be driving it so it was still coming with us.
"Hey, let me grab something out of there before we leave," I told Seth as he was about to get into the driver's seat.
I reached under the seat of the passenger side, and grabbed that old box of Carlisle's flu shots. Half of them were broken and I doubted any of it was viable anymore, but I still couldn't seem to let them go completely. I brought the box over to the truck we would be traveling in, and shoved it under the seat.
"What's that?" Edward questioned curiously.
"Vaccines," I said with a wink, which just made Edward roll his eyes.
"I doubt the flu even exists anymore."
"Yeah, but you just never know," I told him as I got into my seat and shut the door besides me. I turned around to look at Charlotte in her car seat and Sam lying next to her with his head in her lap. "Are you guys ready?"
Charlotte smiled and clapped her hands excitedly. She had been in the truck before, but never in a car seat since we rarely ever went far and there was no traffic. However, I thought it would be best to find her a properly fitted seat for the extended trip ahead of us. The last thing we needed was her climbing all over or getting tossed around if trouble were to arise.
"Here we go. Bye house!" I said with as much animated enthusiasm as I could muster. The truth was, I was sad to go. The six of us as become a family in that house, and sweet old grumpy Pete was buried there. So many beautiful memories that we couldn't afford to be stuck in. All we could do was keep living in the now. One moment, and then the next.
"You ready for this?" Edward asked me quietly as he wove his fingers in mine and kissed my knuckles.
"Nope. How about you?"
He grinned my favorite grin. "Not even a little bit," he said before putting the truck into drive and pressing on the gas peddle.
Since Seth was driving alone, he took the middle position and Emmett and Rosalie followed behind him. We probably could have all fit in two vehicles, but it was always best to have a spare just in case one broke down along the way and we weren't close to something we could hotwire.
"Which way are we going?" I asked as we came to a stop just outside the town limit. We could go left and head east, and right would take us west. It wasn't something we discussed prior to leaving because we simply didn't have a clue as to which way to go. As our leader, that decision would once again fall onto Edward's shoulders.
"East is closer to the Amish," Edward mumbled, trying to come to a decision in his own head. "We don't want to lose the ability to go to them for help if necessary, but tornado season is approaching and without adequate shelter it might not be a great decision to go that way."
"Your choice."
He sighed. "I think we should go east here, but then hit the highway junction to take us south. The sunnier the location, the better."
"But we need to make sure we go somewhere with adequate wildlife for hunting capabilities," I reminded him.
"There may be less big game in the more hotter locations, but there will also be less of a chance for infected animals. As long as we can hunt rabbit and birds, we should be good. If we get to the more deer-heavy areas, the virus could be more prevalent."
I nodded in agreement. "True."
"South it is," Edward decided.
Each vehicle had a walkie-talkie, but no one questioned Edward's direction; they just followed and kept whatever opinions they may have had to themselves.
We drove most of the day, just stopping to relieve ourselves and grab a snack, and I was impressed by how well Charlotte was doing. She only got a little fussy a few times, but I was easily able to distract her. Of course, having Sam back there with her helped as well, and we'd often hear her giggling at something he was doing, which in turn, made Edward and me giggle as well.
When the sun lowered in the sky, we found the most rural area we could, and pulled over for the night. The camper on our truck was really only big enough for the three of us, which the others didn't mind. Rose and Em had basically turned their van into a camper as well, and Seth didn't mind sleeping in his truck with Wolfe.
Our particular camper wasn't like the old motorhome we used to have. This thing was tiny and there was no bathroom, so basically we would pee before sundown and do our best to hold it until sun up. We did have a little travel toddler potty for Charlotte, but Edward and I managed just fine. We had a full-sized bed that we had to climb up into, since it hung over the top of the truck, and the tiny table turned into a bed for Char and Sam. In addition to the beds, there was a very small kitchenette with a one burner stove, a microwave, an ice chest for a fridge, and that was pretty much it. It was not ideal by any means, but we were grateful to have beds rather than just sleeping on the truck bench like we used to when traveling.
"I feel weird having her down there," I whispered after we got Charlotte to sleep for the night. "She seems so far."
"You can literally hang your hand down there and touch her," Edward disagreed quietly. "If something were to happen, we could grab her in a second."
"I know, and Sam is calm so I know nothing is around, but it still feels weird."
"Just try to sleep and morning will be here before you know it."
I laid my head down on the pillow and closed my eyes, but I still couldn't sleep. My body was all tense and my mind refused to quiet. Thankfully, Edward knew exactly what to do to clear my head.
It was pitch black, but he found his way to my lips and everything else fizzled away. I returned his kiss hard, and I may have even bit his lip a little too aggressively. He grunted from the unexpected pinch, but I soothed it with my tongue which he passionately welcomed. All it took was his mouth on mine to send me spiraling into an aching frenzy of desire. Even after spending nearly three years together in that way, I was still as desperate for him as ever.
"Did you grab your birth control pills from the house?" he asked as my lips sought out his neck.
"Of course," I replied against his skin. We managed to get both of our shirts off, but I fumbled blindly as I searched for his pants. "I can't see you," I pouted playfully. We giggled and wrestled around a bit, but it didn't take too long to get it all off and for me to find the perfect position to sink down on him.
With his hands firmly on my hips, he guided my motions on him, and I didn't even care that I was practically banging my head on the roof of the camper with every pelvic thrust. If I ever needed a good hard loving, that was the night. We couldn't let go completely with Charlotte within hearing range, but it was exactly what I needed to finally get my mind to shut the hell up and release all that stress I had been carrying since we decided to leave home.
As much as I would have loved us to pull one of our amazing all-nighters, I had to settle for just two times that night because we really needed to try to get some sleep. We had another full day of driving ahead of us, and we needed to be alert and ready for anything.
Thanks to our little workout, I did manage to fall asleep, and morning came far too soon.
"Mamma!" I heard a little voice say, so despite still being half asleep, I crawled over Edward and went to lie down with our little princess for a few more minutes.
Edward was up not long after, and pretty much it was time to get ready to get back on the road. The four of us, including Sam, went outside cautiously, because you never know what could be waiting for us in an unknown area. When Sam was calm and ran off to relieve himself, we figured it was safe enough to do the same.
As we were returning to the truck, Seth was just getting up, and Rose and Em were already in breakfast mode.
"It's too early!" Seth complained.
"The sun has been up for over an hour," Rose disagreed.
"Well, I'm sorry if I had trouble sleeping last night," Seth said with attitude. "When Wolfe wasn't licking himself incessantly, I kept seeing both of your vehicles rocking back and forth. I thought we were getting attacked, or there was an earthquake or something. Then I realized everyone was getting lucky except for me. I hate you people."
I laughed at his rant. "Aw Seth, I know you're joking, but I do feel sorry for you."
"I'm not joking! Okay, I don't actually hate anyone, but it's not fair. I need a woman. The next she-zombie we see, I'm going to cure her."
"Just because you cure her, doesn't mean she belongs to you," Edward told him evenly.
"Seemed to work out just great for Emmett," Seth countered.
"It only took a year for her to come around and see me for the amazing guy I am," Emmett said with a big dumb smile on his face.
"I always thought you were cute," Rose said with a returning grin. "I was just scared to death of you, and my mind was being jumbled by a wretched bitch."
Em shrugged. "It happens."
After a breakfast of our last remaining eggs and some rabbit jerky, we got back on the road and continued south.
We traveled for days without incident, however we remained constantly on guard. The infected had destroyed most of the towns we would pass, but seemed to be greatly reducing in numbers. We could only assume they were dying out due to starvation, but driving past a town after dark, with little to no movement, was almost eerier than when they were swarming with zombies.
"Even if there was a real cure, there doesn't seem to be many infected left to cure," I mumbled, mostly to myself.
"There will never be a cure," Edward told me gently. "Hopefully, in a few years, they will all be dead and the threat will end."
"It's been a few years already. I'm surprised there's any of them still left now. What are they feeding on?"
"I don't know, and I'm not sure I want to know," he said with a smirk. By his expression, I just knew what he was thinking: cannibalism.
I grimaced. "Do you really think they're eating each other?"
He laughed once. "You said it not me."
After a few more days on the road, we started to look for a place suitable to settle in for a while. It needed to be rural, but close enough to a town that was still stocked up on non-perishables.
We eventually found an old ranch house that was surrounded by nothing but open land. It was all set up like there was once horses and cattle on the property, but now it looked to be nothing but barren wasteland.
"Doesn't look like there would be much hunting around here," Emmett said as we evaluated the space.
"We won't hunt or be hunted," Seth pointed out.
"Yeah, but we need to hunt to survive. I'm not so sure this is right for our new home," Emmett said, but looked to Edward for his opinion.
"We could use a break from the road. Why don't we see if we can stay for a couple days, and then reevaluate?" Edward asked, though we all knew it was just a courtesy; the final decision would be his and no one would protest it.
The house door wasn't locked, so with our guns drawn, we carefully made our way through every room and checked all of the closets. Ever since that first attack on our home after Charlotte was born, we had developed a routine of Seth holding her whenever danger was around. He felt like he was protecting her, and I was able to carry a gun. It worked for both of us and that's what we did as we made our way through the new unfamiliar location.
"Seems to be all clear," Emmett said, but we still couldn't let our guards down.
"Zombie-Rose did jump out from a closet," Seth reminded us – as if we could forget.
Rosalie responded by pinching his arm.
"Ouch! Don't attack me for telling the truth while I'm holding the baby," he complained.
After triple checking every corner of the house, we were finally able to actually evaluate where we were. Even without knowing anything about the previous inhabitants, it was clear to see they had survived the initial virus mutation.
"Look how the windows are already boarded up," Emmett pointed out.
"There are shell casings all over the floor," Edward said pensively.
"That can't be good," I mumbled, mostly to myself. "Maybe this isn't the best place to stay."
Edward sighed. "Whatever happened here happened a long time ago. The people and zombies are gone."
A few of the boards covering the windows were broken, so the guys quickly fixed them before the sun could set, and then we spent our first evening there with everyone huddled in the living room awaiting any possible threat.
When the morning sun rose and relieved the tension, we decided to find bedrooms for ourselves and settle in the best we could. Unlike our previous house, this one had no generator or solar panels, so no electricity. Even without it being dark outside, the small windows of the old place still didn't let much light in, which wasn't ideal in a world where monsters attacked from the shadows. With yet another sweep of the house, we were as confident as we could be that nothing was there. On the positive side, it was a four-bedroom house so everyone had their own space.
"This room seems the most secure," I said approvingly as the guys were moving beds around. The master bedroom had a queen-sized bed, however for being a master, it still wasn't a very big room. Technically, I could put Charlotte in her own room, but I would never be able to relax that way. She would be sleeping in our room until she was big enough to work a gun properly. So, to fit a twin bed in that room with us, we moved the queen-sized bed out and brought in the full from another room. The queen went into the next biggest room for Emmett and Rose. With Emmett being so large, they needed the bigger bed anyway.
"That should be good right there," I directed them.
When everything was set up the way we wanted it, everyone went outside to explore the grounds and search for any usable resources.
"Looks like they used to have pigs," Seth said as he and Wolfe walked around the dilapidated corrals.
The more we investigated, the more we began to think the former residents of that property had lived there for quite some time after the world ended. There was already a manual hand pump attached to a water well, and we kept finding weapons in various locations. They were all dirty and weathered, so they weren't used recently, but the way they were scattered about, as if the people were caught off guard, definitely made me wary.
To only further confirm our suspicions of that location formerly housing survivors, inside the kitchen we found a plethora of canned food and nonperishables.
"Thank God, I'm starving!" Seth said as he grabbed a can of chili, and then he popped the top to eat it cold.
"Why didn't you eat something out of your truck?" Emmett asked him knowing the vehicles were still plenty stocked from the last store we stopped at.
Seth shrugged. "I thought we were conserving, but it looks like we don't have to right now."
Seth ate a few more bites from his can, and then set it down for Wolfe to finish off.
"Now he is going to be farting all night!" Rose complained.
"What do you care? He will be in my room," Seth retorted.
"Are we doing bedrooms yet? I thought we were all hunkering down in the living room for another night?" Rose questioned.
"Seems like nothing is around for miles, we should be safe enough for the night," Emmett said, but again, looked to Edward.
Edward seemed uneasy about the entire thing. It was always difficult to trust a new location enough to separate, but he could probably see their desperation for an actual bed and some privacy as much as I could.
"Okay, just be prepared to rush back to the living room at a moment's notice," he told them.
I would have loved to help relieve some of Edward's stress and tension after going to bed, but that night there would be no intimacy for us. We put Charlotte between us, just because neither Edward nor I were comfortable in that house just yet. There were too many questions about where the previous residents had gone. If they survived the initial virus mutation, what happened to them there? The guns strewn about the property and the empty shells littered about was unnerving, and I wouldn't have felt comfortable with Charlotte sleeping anywhere else.
"What is it boy?" Edward asked when Sam abruptly perked his head up from a seemingly sound sleep.
Sam was lying on the foot of our bed, but even in the pitch blackness of the night we could see his eyes and body tense with alertness.
He let out a low growl, but just when we hopped out of bed and grabbed our guns, Sam relaxed and rested his head back down by Charlotte's feet. Edward and I both froze and listened, but after not hearing anything for over twenty minutes, we got back in bed. No sooner than I felt myself begin to drift off, Sam started growling again, so we reflexively jumped right back out of bed just in time for him to relax yet again. This happened three more times before Edward started to lose his patience.
"I think he's losing it," he grumbled. "He is getting old; maybe it's canine dementia."
"Is that a thing?" I asked concerned.
"I don't know. I'll swing him by the vet in the morning," Edward joked.
There would be no intimacy or sleep for us that night, but I was just glad Charlotte was able to sleep through it.
The next morning, we all decided to drive into town to see what food we could find. We were careful as we made our way through the unknown area, and thankfully we made it safely back to the ranch house with some jerky, dried fruit, and canned meats.
As the morning became afternoon, I put Charlotte down for her nap, but kept her in the travel crib beside me on the porch to make sure she was safe. Rose and I both took that quiet time to read some books that we found in the house, while the guys burned off some energy by tossing a football around. It felt so odd to have nothing to do since we were always busy in our old home with gardening and fixing things around the property. I was sure eventually we could do the same in our new home, but we had yet to decide if you were staying there for an extended period of time.
"Seth, where are you at?" Emmett called as he completely missed a pass.
"Sorry, I was distracted," Seth replied as he ran after the ball. "Wolfe keeps acting strange," he added as his pup recaptured his attention.
"Acting strange how?" Edward asked him concerned. His concern made me concerned, so I put down my book and asked Rose to stay with Charlotte as I went to go see what was going on.
"I don't know, he keeps running off into the barn, and then rushing back out with his tail between his legs," Seth said as we all stopped to watch what he was describing. Sure enough, Wolfe came trotting out of the barn looking startled, except this time, he was whimpering and possibly even limping.
"What the hell?" Emmett said.
"Wolfe! Come here, boy!" Seth called to him.
The pup trotted over to us, and his paw was definitely bleeding. That was when Sam got up from the porch and began growling again.
"We did check in there for zombies, right?" I asked concerned.
"Yeah, but it's awfully dark in there," Emmett said slowly.
"That looks like an animal bite," Edward said as Wolfe plopped to the ground at Seth's feet and began rolling around.
"You think there is some kind of animal in there that bit him?" Seth asked worriedly.
Sam's growling suddenly became more aggressive, and then I saw something moving in the shadows of the barn.
"There is definitely something in there," I said slowly.
Edward and Emmett both pulled out their guns and cautiously crept towards it. Sam stayed at Edward's heels, but he was smart enough not to charge whatever it was. Seth and I stayed back, but I watched them like a hawk as I pulled out my gun from my waist band just in case.
Edward and Emmett peeked into the dark barn, but then strangely backed away without firing their weapons.
"Did you see something?" I asked anxiously.
"Yep," Edward said calmly but I could tell he was on edge.
"What's in there?" I asked impatiently.
"Oh, just a few barn cats," Emmett said casually. "Of the zombie variety."
"What?" I spat.
"Seth," Edward said apologetically. "They bit Wolfe."
I followed Seth's line of sight down to his pup, and I was shocked by the quick change in him. He was not only panting and foaming at the mouth, but his eyes were beginning to glaze over with a white haze.
"He's fine," Seth said, refusing to accept what Edward was trying to tell him. "He'll be fine. I'll just let him bite me and he will be cured the way Rose was when she bit Emmett."
"That is way too dangerous," Emmett disagreed. "A zombie dog could kill you in one bite. It's not worth the risk for an animal, kid. I'm with Edward. It's better to put it down now before he turns all the way."
"You're not shooting my dog!" Seth shouted at him. "I'm not asking you to take the risk, I'm going to take it. Look at him, he is changing fast. I'll let him bite me and he will be back to normal."
Seth bent down and began stroking Wolfe, but like a flip of a switch, Wolfe abruptly jumped to his feet and latched on to Seth's arm. Despite the bright sunlight burning above us, the dog aggressively began shaking his head as if he was trying to rip his arm off, and then he began dragging him towards the dark cover of the barn. It all happened so fast, and before the guys could even begin to shoot at the crazed pup, Sam jumped in and went after Wolfe's throat.
"Shit!" Edward hissed, but my gut twisted in a painful knot as the horrific scene played out in front of us.
Thankfully, Wolfe let go of Seth as he and Sam battled viciously, so Edward and Em grabbed Seth and pulled him back.
"Wolfe!" Seth cried as I tried to tend to his bleeding arm.
Edward and Em kept their guns out, but they just watched the dogs fighting and waited. Our only hope was that Wolfe would have the cure from Seth's blood, and then give it to Sam as they fought, but nothing could have prepared us for what happened next.
"Bella, I don't feel so well," Seth said to me. I broke my eyes away from the dogs to look down at Seth, and to my horror, he too began foaming at the mouth before that glazed look came over him.
"Edward!" I called frantically.
Edward and Emmett raced back over to me and they were both shocked.
"What the hell?" Em asked as Seth began to tremble violently.
"Can't be," Edward said, mostly to himself. And then he panicked. "Bella, get back!" he shouted at me.
I didn't want to let him go, but if he was somehow infected for a second time, I was in serious danger – in fact, we all were.
I backed away and ran to go clean the blood off of my hands as quickly as possible, but I was trembling the entire way. I glanced back and saw both dogs racing into the barn to shield themselves from the sun, but nothing was more heartbreaking than seeing Seth thrash around and attempt to bite Emmett. When Em successfully defended himself by kicking him in his face, Seth rolled over and stumbled his way to the darkness…
We couldn't comprehend why Seth wasn't still immune, but the "how" and "why" didn't really matter at the moment. In a matter of five minutes, we lost Seth and both dogs. It was a blow I wasn't sure how we would recover from…