Chapter 44

Lost in the Darkness

A day and a half had passed since her "discussion" with Alucard. When Val came in to help her bathe, or limp to the bathroom to give her legs some much needed exercising, she had been pumping her apprentice with questions as to what exactly had happened while she was out. And even with Val's answers, which had frighteningly confirmed most of what Alucard had said, Mercedes was still unable to make proper sense of it. There was just too much, and the thoughts kept spinning around and around in her head without resolution to be found.

Brian had put a hit out on her? Even for him, that was... And what Val said about how he died... There was no way Marrick could be whoever 'Nic' was! That had to be someone else! Maybe another Elder with the capability to shapeshift, and they framed Marrick somehow. She had no idea what happened with Davin... And that only brought to mind that Davin was... And Janna... Oh gods, nevermind if Liam could keep his temper or not, Sasha and Henrick and Natasia were going to be out for blood...

And Pip was on his way?! Her big cousin?! That Pip?! Goofy, fun loving, cries at animals dying in movies, teaching her to skate, stealing ice cream from grandmere's freezer Pippi? He was a mercenary?! Pip was a mercenary involved with Seras?! Gods, he had so much to answer for! But then again, he was going to be demanding a lot of answers too. What the hell was she supposed to tell her big cousin?! And what was he going to do?! Last time she had been in trouble, Pip got himself sent to boarding school for his reaction... Oh gods, was that how he ended up wherever he's been?! Who the hell did he meet in France?! What sort of boarding school was it?!

Or was that a lie her grandmother had told her? Where did they really send Pippi?! And her grandparents put out a bounty on Alucard?! With Liam's help?! What?! Whose idea was that?!

What was even happening anymore?!

And when was this fucking thirst going to go away?! What if it didn't?! What if Alucard was right... There was no way he could be right... Right?! Except she couldn't make the stupid thoughts come out as words... What if... Gods, what was happening to her?! What was going to happen to her?! What was going to happen to Xander?!

As Mercedes lay in her bed- the bed that used to be Tukiko's and they had shared years ago, and looked around the room that used to be his, the room that still showed signs of the invasion that happened even after her restoration efforts- she found that her memories and emotions were threatening to overwhelm her again, worse than before.

Was... Was she and Xander going to end up like Tukiko san and Fumiko did? Iscariot had marked her and her son for death... She thought she had been prepared to face death, but now... Having come face to face with that monster, Anderson... Those memories were scattered and fuzzy from the trauma of her injuries and going under like she had, but even a momentary flicker of them... How was she supposed to face that again?! And again?! Was this going to be her life now?! Constantly hunted until enough of those bastards managed to get out enough bullets and bayonets that they killed her and Xander, just like they had...

"Fils de salope, I can't…" She muttered to herself, shaking her head… "I can't handle this right now. I can't do this alone. I can't… I need... I don't care if it makes things worse... I can't do this. I can't handle this by myself."

Mercedes used her uninjured arm to push herself more up right, gritting her teeth as her shoulders moved and pain lanced down her injured arm.

'Gods, the pain killers are only helping to take the edge off. I wish that IV was still in... But then I'd be even less mobile. Silver lining, I don't need to pull it out."

She twisted her body, letting her legs shift over the edge of the bed.

'Okay, that wasn't so bad… Thank the gods my legs weren't what got impaled.'

Mercedes grabbed hold of the post at the head of the bed next to her with her good hand and used it to help lift herself to her feet. She felt her head get a bit light from the quick movement, her vision blurring for a moment as her knees trembled a little.

'Still, bed rest and injuries combined with meds did me no favors. Merde.'

Clenching her jaw, Mercedes waited out the dizziness. When the worst passed, she grabbed her iPod and tucked it into the pocket of her skirt. She was grateful Seras had grabbed it with some of their other personal effects; and that Val had brought it in, in hopes it would help preoccupy her mind. She had always used music for this, she wasn't sure, especially in her current state, if she'd be able to keep her concentration without it.

The priestess slowly made her way to the small bureau, steps shuffling but slowly becoming surer. She gripped the edge of the bureau and lowered herself to a crouching position. She opened the middle drawer and a faint whiff of floral scent made its way to her nose. Normally it would make her smile, but right now it only caused tears to well up in her eyes. She reverently shifted aside the left pile of long-sleeved shirts- a red silk Tukiko had last worn for a Valentine's Day, the midnight blue Egyptian cotton and lace she had first seen him in, the forest green linen tunic that was his favorite for the winter months…

Mercedes tried not to think of the memories they stirred up and instead reached for the satchel of herbs behind them. Removing the bag, she gave it a measuring look. There was enough already mixed for one more use, so long as she was careful in distributing the powder and made it a small circle. Well, at least she wouldn't have to get Val to grind up herbs because she couldn't right now.

She placed the bag on the top of the bureau, removed the red silk shirt and placed it next to the bag. She closed the drawer and opened the one beneath it, grabbed a pair of Tukiko's favorite black dress slacks that he had worn with the shirt, and placed that on top of the bureau as well, then levied herself standing again. She had to wait out another small dizzy spell, but then wrapped the shirt around the bag and shuffled to the closet.

Mercedes located one of her heavy jackets hanging in the closet, kept in there for these occasions, and needed to stop and think about how to get into it. She ended up sliding her good arm into the sleeve while it was still on the hook, and then tugged it off the hook and awkwardly shrugged the other side of the jacket up over her shoulder, then wrestled with getting the first few top buttons buttoned one-handed so it wouldn't fall off her. Once that monumentally annoying task was done, and Mercedes was hating being temporarily crippled even more now, she grabbed a knitted hat off the little rack hanging in the closet and tugged that over her head. She reached up to grab the bag kept on the shelf, gritting her teeth again as the stretching movement caused a new flash of pain. She felt her fingers graze the velvet bag and tightened her grip on it, pulling it down. The contents gave dull clunks and clinks as they rattled against each other. She pulled open the drawstring, checked the contents with a quick scan, and found everything seemed as she had left it. Satisfied with that, she went back to the bureau and put the herbal bag and Tukiko's shirt and pants inside the larger bag, then slung the ropey strings around her good shoulder to keep her hands free.

Mercedes shuffled her way to the corner where her weapons were propped up and grabbed Tukiko's sword. She couldn't untie and then re-tie the sash to wear it properly, so she slung it over her shoulder as well and imagined Tukiko being aghast with her for doing so. That thought brought a bittersweet chuckle as she grabbed hold of her staff. Functional and magically helpful, gods she was so glad she had this staff…

Mercedes made her way to the door, moving a little quicker with the staff to help support her steps. When she opened her bedroom door, however, her way was blocked. By the towering form of Alucard, glaring down at her.

"Just what are you doing out of bed?" the progenitor of vampires asked ominously.

Mercedes glared back as she said, "I'm going to go pray. Priestesses do that on occasion and I have a lot of reasons, thanks to recent events, to be praying."

"You could pray just fine in here," Alucard said, gaze going over the objects with her, and the heavy jacket and hat she was wearing despite the summer heat. "What are you really doing?"

"I'm going to pray," Mercedes reiterated furiously. "And my sort of prayers require me to be outside with these things, so don't you dare tell me how to conduct them. Now get out of my way, Alucard."

"You are in no condition to be out of bed right now," Alucard said, unmoving from his position.

"Go fuck yourself, Alucard," Mercedes snapped out. "You have no authority to make that call!"

Alucard leaned in, ivory face a furious iciness. "Seen as where your damned ward is still in place and I am bound to keep you safe from all harm, Seer, I'd say you gave me that authority. Go back to bed before you hurt yourself further."

Mercedes gritted her teeth, glare not abating. "Move, Alucard, or I'll make you let me pass."

"Try it and you'll pay for it," the progenitor of vampires warned darkly.

"It'll be worth it." As she spoke, a flash of carmine light came from the priestess's necklace and hit the vampire, freezing his movements. Mercedes ducked under his arm and made her way down the hallway, ignoring the seething anger she was leaving behind her.

She managed to make it all the way to living room before Alucard broke free of the immobilizing ward and caught up to her. She sent the spell at him again before he could try to grab hold of her.

"What in the world?!" Seras exclaimed from where she sat on the couch. "Miss Mercedes, what are you doing out of bed?!" Her brow furrowed as she glanced behind Mercedes, "And what did you just do to Master?"

"Seras, Val," Mercedes said with a nod to the two, who had been looking through some book Val had in hand. "I'm going to go pray for a while." She turned her gaze back to the progenitor of vampires. "Let me go pray, Alucard, or I swear you'll spend the rest of the night frozen and neither of us will get anything done. I'm not playing this power game tonight."

Alucard's gaze was nearly murderous. She renewed the ward as she made her way to the front door, saying with cutting sarcasm as she left the room, "Thou shouldst have known better than to attempt to forbid a priestess from praying, Your Majesty, so reserve thy glare for thine own foolish arse."

She could hear Val chuckling behind her and Seras stuttering in shock.

Mercedes reached the front door and pulled it open, and was on the porch when she could sense the ward on Alucard breaking. She slowly made her way down the steps, and it appeared he decided to wait until she returned to exact whatever punishment he felt she deserved for freezing him because she made it down the half dozen steps unimpeded. Well, at least she could do this before dealing with that overbearing ass again.

Mercedes murmured an incantation and the long lines of runes on her staff began to glow with blue light. Who needed a flashlight when they had magic, she thought wryly. She wasn't sure what time of night it was, probably sometime after ten, as Xander had come to say goodnight to her quite awhile ago.

What would normally be a twenty minute walk, if that, took Mercedes well over an hour thanks to how weak she was, and having to take several short rests along the way. She didn't want to think about why she might be able to make the walk at all, what was running through her veins this very moment and had had other effects on her as well. Effects that weren't fading as fast as Alucard said they would...

She went into the woods behind the house and followed the trail past the large clearing she used to spar in with Tukiko, to the smaller clearing a quarter mile further into the woods. As she approached the spot, she could feel the faint tingle of magic remnants from her past visits. Despite being covered in a film of sweat from head to toe from the exertion of making it here, being out of breath and trying to ignore the stings of pain coming from the small wound on her thigh and ribs, and the ache of those ribs, along with the steady throb of pain in her forearm- Mercedes couldn't help but smile to herself in weary satisfaction. Just a little longer, then she could drop the masks and pour her heart's misery safely out and maybe get things to make sense again..

The pagan priestess stepped into the tiny clearing, where wild flowers could be seen spotting the grass, though their petals were closed in the darkness, waiting for the sun to wake them. Directly across from her stood her destination- the headstone she had placed for Tukiko and Fumiko, with their ashes buried beneath. She hadn't been able to distinguish, obviously, which pile had been who. The ashes of the murdered vampires had been somewhat scattered, trod on, mixed with broken glass and plaster from the damaged house. She had done her best to round up as much as she could, painstakingly separated out what debris she had been able to, and laid them to rest together before having the house renovated.

Mercedes made her way to the headstone and sank down next to it, allowing herself a few minutes to rest. Her head came to rest on the cool granite, next to the images engraved of the two vampires. The tomb maker had done an excellent job replicating the pictures she had sketched of them. She traced Fumiko's features with the tips of her fingers, smiling wistfully at the image of the little vampire.

"I miss you, my sister," Mercedes murmured sadly, tears beginning to form again. "I miss you and Tukiko san so much it hurts. Sometimes I feel like the hollow spot in my heart left from your deaths is going to consume me. Everytime I think it's starting to close up, something new happens and rips it open again. Even my mother's death didn't leave such a hole in me. I don't know if that's horrible to say, but if I had to choose between seeing you or seeing her again, I'd choose you. I hate that you're gone. I hate that the last words we spoke to one another were in frustration and anger. I have so many apologies I want to say to you personally, so many things I want to tell you, and I can't. I know you forgave me and likewise are sorry, but I'd give anything to see you just once more to tell you myself that I love you. It's not the same."

It was a few minutes before she was able to stop crying and get some semblance of concentration back. Mercedes lifted herself from the headstone with the aid of the staff, not able to hold back a gasp of pain as the worst stabbing of pain yet lanced through her arm. As much as she hated to admit it, Alucard may have been right that getting out of bed so soon may not have been the best idea. But she needed to be here, she needed to regather her thoughts before she completely broke. She could handle this pain if it meant easing the other.

Mercedes propped her staff and Tukiko's sword against the headstone, then set the bag she had brought with her on top of the headstone and tugged the string loose. She pulled the smaller herb bag loose from the shirt it was wrapped in and opened it as well. She took several deep breaths to help fortify herself, then moved to the back side of the headstone, facing the direction she knew was north. She started sprinkling the herbal mix, making her way in a clockwise fashion so that a circle was formed around herself, the headstone, and the things she had brought with her. It took longer than it usually did, even with this circle only being about six and a half feet in diameter, but she was able to make the walk to complete it. There was also only half a handful of the herbal powder left, but it had lasted to complete the small circle.

Mercedes dropped the nearly empty bag down next to the headstone and leaned against it to catch her breath. After a minute, she was able to breathe fairly evenly again. She went back to the northern point of the circle with the main bag. She kneeled before it and withdrew a small thick ceramic pot that she had painted runes on.

The priestess unscrewed the top, holding the pot with the hand of her injured arm and using the strength of the uninjured to twist, and set it on the ground, just inside the boundary of the circle. She murmured a prayer to the element of Earth, asking it to grant its power to the circle and keep her magic grounded.

Mercedes got back to her feet shakily and went to the eastern section of the circle and removed a wooden incense holder with symbols she had burned into it for this ritual, a cylinder of incense sticks she had made, and a lighter. She pried open the cylinder and removed one of the fragile sticks, carefully placed it in the incense holder, and placed that on the ground. As she lit the incense with a trembling hand, she murmured a prayer to the element of Air, asking it to grant its power to the circle and let her magic speed its way to precisely where it needed to go.

Mercedes made her way to the south, and this time a small ceramic candle holder that had runes painted for this ritual was placed on the ground. She removed the small bundle wrapped in violet cotton and unwound it carefully, uncovering two remaining candles made from violet wax and herbs, anointed in a special blend of oils. She placed the candle on the holder and lit it, saying a prayer to the element of Fire to grant its power to the circle and act as a guiding light for the ritual.

The priestess lastly made her way to the west. She withdrew the second small ceramic pot and ended up needing to set it down before opening it because her hands were shaking too much with fatigue. She couldn't risk opening it like this, as its contents were by far the most troublesome to procure and she couldn't afford to waste it should she spill it. It took a few minutes of rest before she could steady herself, but she proceeded again. She opened the pot; the viscous contents sloshing inside and a musky aroma coming forth. She placed the pot with its brew down and said a prayer to the element of Water to grant its power to the circle and allow creation to temporarily take place.

Mercedes had trouble once again lifting herself from the ground and stumbled back to the headstone. She kneeled to the west of it and summoned up her magic as strongly as she could, directing it to the circle around her. Tired as she was physically, her magic still answered her call and blazed into existence, lighting up the path of the herbs around her in a circle of carmine flames. The flames stretched up around her in a heatless barrier that would keep her ritual space separate from the outside world and the one she was going to tap into, creating a sacred middle ground.

Mercedes gave a weak smile as the sphere closed around her. Almost there.

She withdrew the shirt and pants from the bag and carefully laid them out beside her. The sword went to the other side of the clothes, what would be the left side, and she carefully arranged the sash around the outside of the shirt as though it had been tied around a waist. She removed a vial from her bag and anointed three spots on the ground just above the shirt with runes, the spots where the crown, third eye and throat chakras would be if someone lay there. She anointed on the shirt where the heart and solar plexus chakras were, a rune on the sash of the sword for the naval chakra, then made the last rune just above the groin of the pants for the root chakra.

As she placed the vial back, Mercedes realized that she had overlooked a detail. Her gloves weren't in the bag. After only a few seconds, she decided it didn't matter. She wasn't going to ruin the ritual and have to try again later over a stupid pair of gloves. She'd survive without them; she'd just need to be careful.

The enchantress made a familiar gesture with her hand and Cerberus appeared next to her. She gave another faint smile as the five golden eyes of her hell hound stared at her expectantly. "Time to play fetch, Cerberus. You know what to do."

The gargantuan hell hound, her oldest and most faithful hound, nodded once and dissipated into the ether as commanded, able to do so because his mistress's will to allow him to move amidst the swirling magic around them provided him passage.

Mercedes pulled her iPod from her pocket and placed it on the ground. She had never been able to come up with an appropriate incantation for this next part, so she used a song in its place, allowing her sheer force of will for a specific outcome to direct her magic and manifest the result. The song helped fuel her emotions and keep her mind in the right direction, it was the needed catalyst. She turned the volume to the highest setting, scrolled to the playlist she wanted, which was named "Tukiko" and had only one song to it.

Mercedes tapped the "play" button on the screen, and the haunting melody of "Somewhere" by Within Temptation began to stream from the miniature speaker. The enchantress closed her eyes and concentrated on her purpose: bringing forth the spirit of Tukiko by the strength of her will, magic and memories, and having him manifest for a short time so she could have a small respite in the company of the one lover who had never hurt or betrayed her in some fashion.

"Lost in the darkness

Hoping for a sign

Instead there's only silence

Can't you hear my screams?"

Even with her vocal lessons in her youth and enjoying to sing as much as she did, Mercedes's voice was not nearly its strongest in her exhaustion and with having been unconscious and parched for six days. But she was able to hold the tune well enough, not stressing her voice to reach the same high notes she usually did, and the important part was the magic.

"Never stop hoping

Need to know where you are

But one thing's for sure

You're always in my heart…"

Her voice was just one of the ties to this ritual space for Tukiko to follow so he could come to her. As emotionally painful as it was, she pictured Tukiko's face in her mind, recalled his voice, his energy, and willed for him to be with her as hard as she could, pushing her magic out into the same void she summoned her hounds from. What precisely that void was- Heaven, Elysium, Hell, Tartarus, Limbo, Niflheim, some alternate dimension, or something else entirely- she didn't know for certain. She only knew she could access it, could control or affect certain aspects of it, or sometimes pull things from it.

"I'll find you somewhere

I'll keep on trying

Until my dying day

I just need to know

Whatever has happened

The truth will free my soul.

Lost in the darkness

Tried to find your way home

I want to embrace you

And never let you go…"

Mercedes's voice broke a little on the last note, tears starting to trickle down her face as she continued to reach into the ether, calling out for Tukiko and praying he'd make it through to her with Cerberus's help.

"Almost hope you're in heaven

So no one can hurt your soul

Living in agony

Cause I just do not know

Where you are..."

Mercedes continued singing, but the entire first repetition of the song passed without answer to her call. That wasn't unusual. It sometimes took Cerberus a little longer to reach Tukiko, or for him to be able to connect to her energy and start pulling back. She had also performed this ritual just four months ago, and it was draining for the both of them for Tukiko to come to her like this, especially for him, so he might be having a harder time this time.

The song restarted itself and Mercedes continued to sing, pushing more energy out as her call reached out into the void. Her voice was getting rougher, her throat beginning to ache with the effort and trying to hold back her tears, though this was only the second round of the song.

'Please, Tukiko san,' Mercedes thought desperately as she came to the end of the second verse. 'Don't let me down. I need you. Please hear me and come back to me. I need you here. Please. Please. Come back.'

Mercedes came to the third pass of the chorus, the song drawing to its end, and was beginning to think that she might fail, that perhaps it was too soon after their last visit for Tukiko to make it to her. But then, she felt a tug on her magic, felt his energy starting to lace through it. She concentrated on his familiar presence as she let out a sob of relief.

The song restarted itself and she sang it as she slowly pulled the energy back towards herself, envisioning Tukiko laying before her and that she was singing her heart out to him. As the energy became stronger, drawing closer to her, Mercedes could also pick up on Cerberus's energy, lending itself to Tukiko to help him make the passage that the hounds could traverse so easily. Gods, Cerberus was such a good doggy to have once he had worked out his feral streak.

Mercedes pushed her voice to continue the song, feeling momentarily fortified by the relief that her ritual and prayers had worked again, that Tukiko would be with her again for just a little while. She felt the energy breaking through the barrier between wherever it was his spirit resided and the middle ground she had created, but knew he wasn't there with her yet.

The pagan priestess knew the story of Orpheus and Eurydice and would not make the same mistake Orpheus made and risk losing Tukiko permanently. She continued to sing as she concentrated on her mental image of him laying before her, of his spirit becoming corporeal enough to reform his image and fill out the clothes before her.

It wasn't until an icy hand gently cupped her face, a hand that would be chilling to even a 'living' vampire, and a pair of equally cold lips brushed hers with a feather-light caress that Mercedes stopped singing and allowed her concentration to be broken. She let out a sob of relief and wrapped her available arm around Tukiko's neck, returning the chaste kiss. It was bittersweet and gentle; caresses fragile to avoid the priestess becoming overexposed to the supernatural frigidness of the spirit's form, filled with longing and a mutual attempt at solace.

When the kiss ended, Mercedes whispered against his lips, "Thank you, Tukiko san, for coming back," and then finally opened her eyes to look at the spirit she had managed to once again successfully summon.