Chapter 45. The Way We Come Undone

"Hi there," Savvy greets when Mark and Addison walk through the front door. She keeps her face friendly and doesn't ask how the appointment went. Not yet, anyway. Instead, she dips her head to indicate the sweet little baby wiggling in her lap, all blue eyes and fuzzy hair and chubby cheeks. "Mister Henry has been up for a while, but he's been super happy. And making all sorts of cute noises…" Savvy looks up as Addison takes a step forward, a yearning look drowning over her features. "Oh. Addie, do you want to hold him?"

Addison freezes. "No. It's okay," she shakes her head, eyes moving away from her son and back to the floor. "He'd probably…he'd probably rather have Mark hold him. Thank you for watching him, Sav. I think I'm going to go lie down. Sorry I'm not…better company."

"Don't apologize. I can come up there with you if you want though for a few minutes, and just get you settled?" Savvy offers. Addison nods, so Savvy hands Henry over to Mark and follows.

Addison gingerly sits down on the edge of the bed. She glances towards the spot where she sleeps. It feels like there should be a permanent indent there, given how much time she spends in bed now.

Savvy drops down beside her. "I know it's the most annoying question, but…how are you doing?"

"I, um. Well, I have Postpartum depression. I'm sure you figured that out this morning though. I didn't…I didn't mean for this to happen," Addison says quietly.

"It's not your fault this is happening, Addie." Savvy puts an arm around her. "Try to show yourself a little grace right now. But also…you also have to let your family and friends help you."

"Is Mark mad at me? I know I've said…I've said so many things…"

"No, babe. He's not mad at you. He loves you and he wants you to get better. And look, I know it's not the same thing, but after my surgeries, putting words to the feelings was probably the hardest part of recovery. Just…talking to Weiss was hard. I get what it's like to not have the words, or to have them, but they just end up stalled in a traffic jam in your throat. You need to let Mark in though."

Addison lets her head collapse on Savvy's shoulder. "I know. I just feel so embarrassed and…ashamed."

"I'm sorry you feel that way," Savvy says quietly. It's not your fault, it's going to be okay, don't be sorry, you're going to get better – she expects Addison will hear a lot of that in the coming weeks, so she doesn't offer anything else on the platitude front. Instead, she stays close to her friend and sits with her in the shame and heartache.

-

Mark holds a finger to his lips when Savvy comes back down the stairs, just to give her a little warning. Henry is sleeping now, snuggled in his bassinet.

Savvy keeps her voice low as she provides an update. "I stayed with her until she fell asleep. Then I texted Lauren. I'm going to pick up Kate after school when I get Em and Drew. Emily has ballet at five, so I can bring Kate back a little before that…is that okay with you? Then I can be over here as much as you want tomorrow and Sunday. Sorry. I probably should have checked with you before I started just making executive decisions."

"No, it's fine. That's really helpful," Mark answers. He hopes Savvy knows how grateful he is to have her right now. "Lauren is family. You're family. You can make as many decisions as you want. Um. Thank you, for all your help today. I just -"

"Can I give you a hug?"

Mark's eyebrows rise up at this interjection. He almost laughs. "We never hug. I always assumed you'd backhand me across the face before you'd give me a hug."

"Same. And yet, here we are," Savvy says, wrapping her arms around his waist. Mark's forehead presses into the top of her shoulder, and she feels a slight tremble move through him. "You let go when you're ready to," she adds. She feels him mumble some sort of acknowledgement at this.

"I don't know what to do," Mark admits when he pulls back. His eyes are crowded with moisture.

Savvy shakes her head in disagreement. "Yes, you do. You might be the dumbest boy in the world, but you're a smart husband and a smart dad. You know your wife and you know how to take care of her. Just tell me what I can do to support you guys."

"I think…I want to take her to Cape Cod. It's not a long-term plan, but just for a few days. Just the two of us. Maybe Addison will be able to breathe a bit better there. She always…she's always so happy when we go there. And staying here just isn't working."

"Okay." Savvy gives him a sharp nod. "Good. So, what's better for your kids? Should I stay here, or bring them to our place? Don't think. Just answer."

"Here. But I know that -"

"Don't worry about the details. Weiss and I will make it work, and we can use Lauren, too. We're here for you."

-

Mark takes a deep breath and selects the appropriate icon to call his best friend. He needs Derek to know, and he figures this is the kind of information better shared through a phone call than a text. Other than a measured inhale, he has not really given this task much thought though. It just occurs to him to call Derek. Everything after is autopilot.

"Hey," Derek answers immediately, which takes Mark by surprise. He expected to leave a voicemail. It's not even noon yet in Seattle, and Derek rarely checks his cell during work hours. "How's Addison doing? Savvy told me what's going on," Derek adds when he realizes Mark's silence is due to confusion. "God, I'm so sorry, Mark."

"Yeah, me too," Mark replies. He peeks towards the staircase that leads to the second floor. Addison is still sleeping. Then he frowns because whatever Derek says next does not come through clearly. "Can you say that again? Your hospital intercom system sounds like roll call at Yankee Stadium."

"We're not at the hospital. We're coming. Meredith and I, uh, we're at SeaTac. We just got inside the terminal. No chants for Aaron Judge or a code being called – just flight announcement stuff."

"Wait." It takes Mark a moment to process. "You're coming here…?"

"Yeah. Savvy told us you're going to Cape Cod. So we're on our way and we'll help with the kids…we'll figure out some sort of babysitting rotation system with Sav. It's gonna be real dysfunctional and Little Red will probably be running the entire house two minutes in, but we'll take good care of them."

"I really appreciate you guys doing…you didn't have to do this." Mark says, voice cracking. "You're just…you're really coming?"

"It's Addison," Derek replies. It's that simple. "And you. And your kids. We didn't look up flights in advance, but we'll find something. I'll keep in touch. Do you need anything in the meantime?"

I need my wife back, he thinks.

-

"Is Hen-Hen awake?" Kate demands in lieu of a hello when Mark opens the front door for her. Savvy is down at the sidewalk, bouncing on the balls of her feet, car still running. She shouts something about a lost tutu and a popsicle stick (it is not clear to Mark if these are related), so they're behind schedule, crap gotta go I'll text later bye.

"He is," Mark waves goodbye to a running-late Savvy and shuts the door. He gestures to where Henry is lying on his cushy activity gym, waving his hands at one of the hanging, light-up toys. "He woke up not too long ago. I think he knew you were on your way home. And Mommy is taking a nap right now."

Kate flings her backpack onto the floor as hard as she can upon hearing this. She is not supposed to be loud inside and throw things, especially with a baby because Henry does not like loud sounds and it is not nice to scare him, but she cannot help it. Her cheeks flood with anger. "Mommy is always sleeping. She doesn't love me and she doesn't even want to be awake when I am awake."

Mark takes her hand. "Come sit with me for a minute, buddy. I want to talk to you about what's going on with Mommy right now." He glances at Henry, who is still cheerful even without a parent directly next to him, and also undisturbed by the chucking of the flamingo-printed backpack (to be fair, it's Kindergarten; it's not like there is really much of anything in Kate's backpack, so she might as well have thrown a cotton ball).

"Is Mommy okay?" Kate asks. She is still upset, but she picks up on something not good in her dad's voice. Mark chews the inside of his cheek for a moment upon hearing this question.

Your mommy has never been less okay in her life.

"Mommy is sick," he says, still holding her hand when they plop down on the sofa. "But she's going to be okay, Kate. It's just gonna take a little time, like when you have a cold or a tummy bug – it doesn't go away the next day, right? It's like that. This doesn't happen all the time, but sometimes when mommies have babies, sometimes they get a little sick afterwards. So they have to take a special medicine because they're feeling sad, and sometimes when you're feeling sad like that, it's hard to be patient with your daughter and your son. Your mom loves you – and Henry – more than anything in the world. Just…it's a little hard for her to show it right now."

"But…she will get better?"

"She will. Mommy and I are going to go to Cape Cod tomorrow. She needs to get some more rest, and the beach always makes her feel better. It's just a mom and dad trip," he says quickly when he sees Kate's mouth curl up to ask. "We won't be gone more than a week. And we'll FaceTime with you all the time. Aunt Savvy and Uncle Weiss are going to watch you and Henry. But guess what? There are two other special people who are going to come spend time with you too."

"Who?" Kate asks. Her disappointment fades a little as curiosity takes over.

"Well, one of them likes Taylor Swift as much as you do…"

She makes a gasping noise and breaks into a wide smile. "Meredith and Derek?"

"Yep," Mark says. He feels another swell of gratitude for their Seattle visitors. "They'll get to play with you, and they'll get to meet Henry. How cool will that be? So Mommy and I are going to leave tomorrow afternoon, but we won't be gone too long. I promise. We'll be back before you know it."

"When you come back…" Kate says, expression serious. "Bring Old Mommy back. Not New Mommy."

-

Mark gently knocks on the frame of the bedroom door. Addison is sitting up, watching reruns of The Office, but he suspects she is not really digesting much of the show. He is happy to see her upright though, as well as see a crumb-filled plate on the end table. She must have gotten something to eat while he was putting Kate to bed. She hasn't had much of an appetite lately, so this is encouraging.

"Hey. He's a bit fussy tonight," Mark says when she looks up to see him and Henry standing at the room's entrance. "I'm going to take him up to his room and rock him. Do you need anything?" He knows he needs to tell her about Cape Cod. It isn't fair to spring it on her last minute. But he's just so tired. It can wait until morning.

Addison hears Henry making little experimental snuffling noises, but he does not seem particularly fussy. She suspects Mark is just trying to continue giving her space. Or he is angry at her. Probably both, she figures. "No, I'm okay. Is it okay if…can I say goodnight to him?"

"Yeah. Of course," Mark quickly walks over to save her the trouble of getting up. "Addie…this is your son. You don't ever have to ask my permission to hold him and interact with him. And if I said or did anything to make you feel that way, I'm really, really sorry. I know you love him. And I know Henry loves you."

He shouldn't, she thinks.

"Goodnight, my sweet boy." Addison drops a kiss on her son's silky hair. He has a good amount of hair, and the color reminds her of light caramel. He really is a beautiful baby. And his eyes – Mark tells her they are her eyes. It is hard for Addison to know for sure though. Maintaining eye contact with Henry is difficult.

She hovers for a moment. Henry smells…different. Or the smell just seems new again? She thinks back to all those times she and Mark were inhaling that sweet baby head smell, slowly memorizing it. When had she stopped doing that?

"Addison," Mark says, cutting into her anxious thoughts when she shifts away, disappointment clouding her features. "I'm sorry you're hurting. But I want you to know I'm here. I'm not going to push you to talk, but whenever you feel ready…I love you and I'm here for you."

"Thank you," she whispers.

-

Addison listens. She wills herself not to burst into tears, even though panic is assembling as she tries to process the information Mark is sharing. She can't quite take everything in quick enough. It's like being stuck in a dream where every movement is just infuriatingly slow, no matter how hard you try to get your limbs to cooperate. But now it's words, not actions. The words keep coming to her ears, feeling bristly in juxtaposition to the placid tone her husband is using. Savvy and Weiss. Kate and Henry. Stay here. Do you want to try to eat something? Have not told your mom. Do you want to call her? Glass of water. Derek and Meredith. SeaTac. New York. Arrived close to midnight. Last night. Hotel for the night near LaGuardia. Today. Coming here. Around one. Did you take your medication yet? Lauren helping. Savvy. Packing. Leave. Get there. Around five or six.

"The whole cavalry is coming," Addison states, voice harsh enough to shatter glass. "Is our Gross Anatomy professor coming, too? And Skippy Gold? How about the ghost of Joe Strummer? Did you let him know?"

Savvy told Derek first, he wants to say. There is no point though. It is petty, for one. And also, Addison is directing her anger at him, not Savvy. Savvy could vote Republican in the next election and Addison would still probably be more resentful towards Mark than her best friend.

Mark shakes his head. Stay calm. Do not get mad at her. This is the love of your life and she is in pain. "Savvy and Weiss and Meredith and Derek – and Lauren, to a lesser extent – are the only ones who know what's going on. They want to help you."

Mark wants to tell Addison that just like she is doing the best she can right now, so is he. He wants to tell her there is no pamphlet on the best way to handle this as a spouse, but of course there is. Not their specific scenario, sure, but there are plenty of books, statistics, research articles, and support groups out there. Mark should know. He worked his way through the first five pages of his search engine last night while Addison slept restlessly between pillows.

Addison nods. Try to talk about this, she tells herself. Try. Do the Vermont thing. "It's just a bit overwhelming," she admits. "The idea of them all being here when I'm…" You worthless fucking loser. You had it. All you had to do was keep going. Tell him. Just say you're feeling awful and everything hurts so much that you can barely breathe. You have Postpartum depression. Postpartum God damn depression. Just say it.

"I know. It'll just be Derek and Meredith this afternoon though. I can walk them through the kids' routine and show them around the place if you just want to hang in the living room. I'm sure they'll do whatever they can not to make this too overwhelming for you. And Derek said the four of them will sit down tomorrow and work out a schedule, and just have Lauren plug in the gaps."

"Some vacation for Derek and Meredith."

"They care about you, Addison. They want to be here. And it'll be good for Kate, you know? She loves Sav and Weiss, but they're old news. She's excited for Meredith and Derek to come. I think it will make the, uh, exit today a bit easier for her. But, also – remember Savvy is going to be here around ten. Not for too long. She wants to bring a few basic groceries to get us started for when we get to the beach house. And she offered to help you pack, if you want. She asked me if she could stop by. And I can't say no because you know she terrifies me."

Probably not as much as I do right now.

"I'd offer to help you pack, but you know I would only pack your bras and panties." Mark continues, testing the waters to see if he can coax a smile or laugh out of her.

Addison's lips twitch a bit, revealing a hint of a smile. "I seriously doubt you have any interest in fucking me right now. Not with…with how I've been lately. Or how I look." It isn't cold or derisive. It's not even meant to be self-deprecating. It's just how Addison feels. Because she knows how she has been treating him. And she knows what she looks like. For as much as she has showered over the past few weeks, she hasn't really washed her hair often. The purpose of the shower is escape, not shampoo.

"Well. I wouldn't say that we fuck, for starters."

"Fine. Then I seriously doubt you have any interest in making looooove to me." This time, her tone is cutely mocking and she does accomplish a smile – it doesn't make her eyes sparkle and it's not a true Addison smile, but it's something. Mark smiles too, even though he feels his heart breaking for her.

"I think you're beautiful, Addison. And I really can help you pack, if you want. Even beyond the top drawer. Maybe while we pack we can talk?"

She sighs. "But I don't…I don't want to go to Cape Cod, Mark. Don't I get a say in this?"

Not right now, you don't. "Addie…this isn't a punishment. It's just that you're having a rough time. Staying here isn't working. We have to try something else. Just for a week or so. Think of it as a rest and relaxation thing. And it'll be kind of nice to spend some time together, right? I know the first week of March isn't the ideal time to go to the beach, but we…we've always loved it there, no matter what the weather is like." It's raining and it doesn't matter because we're a family. Don't you remember?

Addison looks over at Henry, who is sleeping in his bassinet. But he barely knows who I am right now, she worries. Will he know me at all anymore if I spend a week away from him? And then she thinks of her other child. The child she hurt. The child who will probably never forgive her. Oh, God.

"Mark? Is, um…is Kate awake?" Addison hates herself for not knowing. She is the mother. She should know. She should try harder to exist outside the four walls of this room. Try harder to be upright.

"Yeah," Mark answers. "I got her breakfast and she's playing in her room right now. Did you want to go see her?"

"No, it's okay. I'll say goodbye before we go, and if she comes to me before that and wants to play, then of course I'll…" Addison feels her face tingle with heat and remorse. "I just don't want to make Kate feel uncomfortable or pressured. It's better if she…I should probably follow her lead. I didn't…I didn't mean to yell at her and make her cry. I just…I just couldn't do it anymore."

"I know. It's okay, Addison. Do you want a hug? I could give you a hug, or we could just…cuddle or watch some TV or something until Sav gets here? We don't even have to talk if you don't want."

"I might just…I might just sleep some more until Savvy gets here."

"Do you want me to stay with you, honey?" Can I is replaced with Do you this time. Perhaps rejection will hurt less this way.

"No, it's okay." Addison buries herself under the covers. Wait until he leaves. Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry. "I'm okay." Liar.

"Okay," he says calmly while walking over to the bassinet. "I'll take the little guy then, just so he doesn't wake you if you end up falling asleep. Is that alright with you?"

"I…" she swallows hard, feeling her throat tighten. "Mark, if you weren't here, I would still…I would take care of him, you know. I wouldn't let him sit in a soiled diaper or go hungry. I…I love my son."

Mark peers down at the baby now nestled in his arms. He thinks back to the other night. "I know you love him, Red. And I know you'd take care of him. Great care of him. I don't think…the other night when I asked why you didn't want to take care of him, that was rude. I shouldn't have said that. I just really miss talking with you and I'm worried about you – so I snapped. I know you can and would take care of Henry. I just want you to be able to talk to me about all of this, but if you aren't ready yet…I get it. I'm trying to get it, at least. Anyway. Henry's still sleeping. I could put him back in the bassinet and stay." And then he tries again, shoulders already tensed in preparation for the likely response. "Let me put him down and come hold you, Addison."

I can't let you do that. "I'm just going to sleep," she murmurs, rolling on her left side so that she can't see him anymore. "You and Henny should probably go check on Kate."

Henny, he considers. Kate – who calls her brother a hundred and one different names – has said Henny-Penny once or twice, but never just H-e-n-n-y. Mark's heart swells a little at the thought. Addison used a nickname.

"Addie? I'm gonna take Henry to check on Kate and let you rest but…you survive everything. We survive everything."

"What?"

"I just want you to know…" Mark begins, fighting to keep his composure. "Surviving everything. You said that about yourself, and about us…after your dad's funeral. I need you to remember that it's still true. You'll get through this. And I hope you'll let me help you along the way."

He closes the door gently on his way out.

Oh.

-