Lothlorien was not what I expected, so very different to Rivendell and yet familiar enough that I felt comfortable enough to drop my guard. I let my eyes drift through the deep green leaves, travelling from one structure to another. The buildings here were open to the elements of the world, pure white wood that seemed to glow as if possessed by ethereal light.
If a human mind was asked to imagine what heaven would be like, then this would be close to what might come to mind. There was a peaceful aura here that was so far removed from the troubles of the world, then it might as well be on another plane of existence entirely. This was a city where elves could live out their lives in peace, a place where no human would disturb them - well, where no human would normally come.
I didn't think welcoming three humans, four hobbits and a dwarf had been in their plans - suspicious looks had followed us ever since we had entered the city proper, and I got the feeling our presence would be talked about long after we had left. The large leaf shaped flet they had guided us to was as beautiful as any of the buildings we had passed on the way to it, perhaps even more so - a central place of power and authority. I might have mused on the swirling designs etched in the wood a bit longer if it were not for the arrival of our hosts.
Celeborn and Galadriel where so much like the movies I was taken aback as I watched the couple drift down to greet us. Like all elves, they were tall compared to me, making me feel once again like a small child in their ancient presence. Golden hair tumbled down from their heads in loose waves, elegantly quaffed over their shoulders and glimmering in the pale light of the nearest light source. I was sure that a dozen stars had taken residence in their luscious locks and wished that my hair might look so wondrous!. These elves were very different to the dark-haired lord of Rivendell. They felt colder, aloof ... as if they had seen too much of the world and would rather remain hidden from its gaze.
"The enemy knows you have entered here. What hope you have in secrecy is now gone. Nine that are here, yet Ten set out from Rivendell. Tell me where is Gandalf for I much desire to speak with him."
I lowered my gaze as Celeborn spoke to the group, no longer able to look at the elf for the guilt I felt was still fresh in my mind. A breath parted my lips as I attempted to gather my thoughts, a weak attempt at hiding them from the Elven woman that stood across from me. I feared what Galadriel would see if she were to look into my mind, feared what secrets she might force me to reveal ... feared that she might make me tell her everything that might come to pass.
"He has fallen into shadow,"
The silence that fell over the group was palpable. I could feel the grief, the fury, and the shear weight of tiredness that lingered within each person. The road had changed us all since we had first left Rivendell, and I wondered how much it yet still would change each of them as they left the haven of the forest. I felt the air to my left shift as Legolas moved forward, his voice barely a whisper as he responded to Galadriel's statement.
"He was taken by both shadow and flame. A Balrog of Morgorth, for we went needlessly into the net of Moria,"
I could feel the silent accusation Legolas had directed towards me, my eyes remaining on the ground as guilt continued to haunt my every thought. My heart yearned to feel the grounding sensation of Boromir's hand on my back once more, but it was no longer to be felt. The man of Gondor was lost in his own thoughts, a hand resting over his brow as if fighting a terrible migraine and eyes staring off into the darkness of the woods.
"Needless where none of the deeds of Gandalf in life, we do not yet know his full purpose. Do not let the great emptiness of Khazad Dum fill your heart, Gimli son of Gloin, for the world has grown full of peril. And in all lands love is now mingled with grief,"
A pained sob left Boromir's lips, the sound strangled in his attempt to mask the sound from the fellowship. I reached over, knowing then that it was not me that needed strength right now. I didn't know exactly what the lady of Lothlorien spoke of to my love, but I got the feeling that it pained him greatly. My hand curled around his larger one, entangling my fingers through his and giving a firm squeeze as the familiar sensation of another mind within my own made itself known.
"The time of choices fast approaches. A life hangs in the balance. Will you sing a new harmony for the Valar, or will you step aside and let discord rain in the lands?"
My head lifted, just enough to stare at the lady from behind half-closed eyes. I let it be known to her I had already made this choice, that whatever fate once had in store for Boromir was no longer certain. Galadriel nodded her head as she sensed my determination, her expression carefully masked. I didn't know if she approved of my choice or not and decided that I wouldn't have wanted her approval anyway - my choices were my own to make. She turned her attentions back to the fellowship, her hands resting calmly in front of her as she addressed the group once more.
"The quest stands upon the edge of a knife. Stray but a little and it will fail to the ruin of all. Yet hope remains while company is true. Do not let your hearts be troubled. Go now and rest, for you are weary with sorrow and much toil."
Galadriel turned to leave, her white dress flowing around her body and giving her a distinctively ghostly aura. Celeborn followed her, his hands gripped in front of his body and one brow raised as he gave Frodo one last look - as if hardly daring to believe that his wife would allow someone to bring a weapon of the enemy into their home. The pair were gone as quick as they had come, leaving us to our own devices and on the insistence of Aragorn we made our way back down to ground level.
I kind of wished we had stayed up in the trees for the night, I didn't particularly want to tackle the stairs again - but our leader had made the order, so down the stairs we went. I was feeling like I was in that nursery rhyme that my mother had once sung to me about 'The grand old duke of York'. We'd been up, we'd been down, and we were now going down again. Part of me just wanted to just give up halfway down and yell out in sheer frustration and pain.
Yet my pain would never measure to the pain of the elves, I could hear their voices drifting from the trees as the news of Gandalf's passing spread through the community - a haunting sound that accompanied our every step as we descended from the trees and I wondered if the sadness that was growing in my heart would ever heal. By the time we reached the ground, my knees were aching and all I could do was collapse onto the ground at the base of the nearest tree. I could feel the muscles twitching below my skin as I stretched my legs out, wanting to do nothing more than to just sleep the rest of the day - scratch that, I wanted nothing more than to sleep for a whole dammed week!
As I rested, I watched the rest of the fellowship as they started settling into our new camp. Frodo and Sam were flopped in against the same tree as me, the latter fretting over the former. Samwise was a good friend, doing everything for his dear 'Mr Frodo' so he wouldn't have to spend more energy than required whilst he recovered from his ordeal. Sam had already helped Frodo take off his pack and was now trying to coax his friend into eating some dried jerky. Frodo was lucky to have someone like Sam. The journey ahead would be hard for the poor hobbit, but at least they would have each other.
I pulled my gaze from them to check up on Merry and Pippin two paces away from the other hobbits. The pair were hunched over their packs, muttering to themselves in sad tones they were running low on supplies of old toby, but they would smoke some anyway because 'That's what Gandalf would have wanted!'. I made a mental reminder to myself that I would have to see if there was a way to purchase some more pipe weed for the pair before the group returned to the road once more - the pair deserved some slight comforts after all!
The loud muttering of Gimli drew my attention to the dwarf. He'd taken it upon himself to get a fire going so we could cook up a small stew for the night. The pale amber glow from the smouldering pile of tinder he was tending too flickered over his face, making it look as if his beard was very much alive, and I watched in awe as he coaxed the ember into full flame and built larger sticks up around it. At first I thought Gimli to be upset that this task had fallen upon his shoulders once again, but the more I listened the more I realised that the dwarf was pissed off that Legolas had wandered off. 'How dare the elf leave us! Didn't he realise that his friends where grieving and required his emotional support ... and he called himself a member of the fellowship'. Gimli ranted on like this for some time, and I barely even noticed Boromir sitting down beside me.
"Aragorn has informed me we are to stay here until we have recovered. How long that will be, I cannot say. Enjoy it while you can, for this will be the last respite we will receive for many months."
His voice sounded very far away, as if some great fear had entered his mind and yet lingered within it. I nodded, my heart heavily laden in my chest with the thought this rest might be short lived. It had seemed so long ago that I thought I would stay in this place, that I would save myself the grief of watching a dear companion die, but that fate was now far behind me. I pulled my legs up toward my body, wrapping my arms around them and staring into the darkness as a frigid chill settled into my body.
I chanced a look toward Boromir. His skin looked impossibly pale, eyes focused on the same spot of darkness I had been staring but a moment before and I reached out to rest my hand over his own. His gloved hands felt stiff under my own, bringing with them a startling reminder of my dream from the night before. I closed my eyes for a moment, pushing back the horrifying image of his cold dead face, and only opened them once I was sure that I could keep my emotions in check.
"Are you doing okay? You've been on edge since we entered the forest,"
He lowered his gaze to the ground, focusing on the amber glow of the fire, and at first I thought that perhaps he hadn't heard me. Then he let out a low, thoughtful sound, as if debating with himself if he should share his inner demons with me, and then let out a deep breath.
"The Lady of the forest spoke to me. She saw in me the desire to take the ring, to protect my people and prevent the fall of Gondor."
The fear in his whispered voice was palpable. As if he realised for the first time that such a desire lived within him. Every plan we had made was now gone, and to him everything must seem so hopeless now that Gandalf was no longer here to guide us. I lowered my head onto his shoulder, half closing my eyes as I pondered on what to say to my love. I had promised no more secrets between us, but could I really tell him that the ring would tempt him? I swallowed my fear, knowing that by not telling him I would abandon him to such a fate.
"Galadriel only sees in us what already exists in our hearts. I don't think you even realised such desire existed within you until Gandalf fell. The fear that now no hope remains to prevent the fall of Gondor has brought that desire into your active thoughts ..."
My throat felt dry, my fear threatening to steal away my voice - but I couldn't run from this anymore. If I were to save Boromir, then I had to do something about it. I reached over to trail a hand down his face, careful to keep my voice low, for this was not a conversation the rest of the fellowship should overhear.
"Boromir, I know it seems like all hope is lost and that Gondor is doomed to fall into the hands of the enemy - that it feels like this is the only thing you can do to protect your people. But taking the ring is not the way to prevent such a thing. The ring would swallow every good part of you, chew it up till the person I love is but a shell of his former self, and then spit you out to your own downfall the very moment it sees a better opportunity to return to it's master."
I could see in his eyes that fear, the fear that this might be the only way to save his people. He was a captain of his city, a captain that loved his people and would do anything to keep them all safe from the growing darkness! It was a desire that the ring would use to its own advantage if Boromir let it influence him further.
"The power you desire to protect your people is not in some ring. It already exists within you and the hearts of your people,"
I could tell that I had given him much to think about.
I only now hoped that he would listen and start having a little more belief in his people - because if he didn't then he was doomed.