Chapter 31: Lost Sleep

There was chaos in the kitchens. Everyone on KP was rushing every which way, frantically going about their tasks. I stood at the stove, frozen before a boiling pot. Around me, I could feel people glaring in my direction and hear their angry whispers, but I couldn't move.

"Kelsey!" Ruth snapped from near the counter, her back turned to me. "Hurry up and put Lisa in."

I looked down and saw that I was holding a skeletal Lisa in my arms. She looked up at me and mewled softly.

"Move it, Kelsey!" Ruth demanded.

I turned to Ruth and protested, "I can't throw Lisa in."

Ruth whipped around. Her dark eyes gleamed as she held a bloody knife. "Did I stutter, Kelsey Hayes? You wanna be part of this circus? You gotta do what I say when I say it. And I say we're having bobcat soup tonight!"

"No, please," I begged, taking a step back. I bumped into the pot. The whole kitchen seemed to turn and watch as the pot tittered ominously. I couldn't move as it wobbled and slushed and finally tumbled off the stove.

"No!" I cried as Ruth roared.

I reached for the pot, but I just barely missed it and it fell into a deep hole in the middle of the kitchen floor. Soon it was lost from sight.

"I'm sorry," I said turning back to the she-devil before me. Ruth's face was inches from mine and looked like vengeance itself.

"I'll do better." I said, "I'll-"

Ruth placed the knife underneath my chin. I could see the blood dripping off the metal instrument. I didn't dare say another word.

"Kelsey Hayes!" she pronounced.

Dread filled me and I knew it was over.

"A cook who can't cook…" she began and the whole kitchen seemed to hold its breath as she said, "is better off as dinner." Then Ruth grabbed my shoulder and shoved.

Like the pot, I tittered and wobbled. Everyone stood there with judgment on their faces as I lost my balance and tumbled into the abyss.

As I fell, I heard Mrs. Gailon say to Ruth, "The soup needed more meat anyway."

The whole kitchen laughed as I plummeted through the darkness. The steam began to rise up around me. I turned and saw a vat of boiling liquid beneath me. I screamed and Lisa yowled as death came up to meet us.

THUCK!

My eyes flew open and I found myself on the ground of my old room. The empty white walls seemed to look down on me.

I took a moment to calm my racing heart. I was alive. Everything was fine. I was at Sarah's house. I'd been here for about a week, but I was still having circus nightmares. This one was probably inspired by me finally deciding to use Sarah's kitchen stove for the first time yesterday to heat up some soup from the freezer.

I sighed and sat up. I was tangled in the bed blankets and sandwiched in-between my bed and the new elliptical machine that took up most of the empty space in my room.

I pulled myself back onto the bed and checked the time on my old alarm clock.

1:07 am.

I had only gotten 3 hours of actual sleep. This was the 4th night in a row. It did not change the fact that I was wide awake.

I got up with a groan. I maneuvered around the elliptical machine and made my way over to my closet. I slipped on a fuzzy black jacket, and some shoes. Finally, I grabbed the blanket hanging on the room's doorknob and headed downstairs. I stopped at the kitchen and took out a small bag of meat for Lisa and went outside.

Lisa looked up from inside her cage when she saw me and I smiled. There was one bright spot to being up this late.

"Hey Lisa," I said, opening the cage. As per the doctor's orders, I had gotten Lisa a cage to prevent her from jumping on her bad leg. The thing had a low ceiling so, I had to crouch to be inside. But it was big. It took up most of the backyard.

As I crept over to Lisa, she meowed hopefully.

"Yes," I cooed, "I did bring you a midnight snack."

I dropped the blanket I had been holding and then I pulled out a piece of meat from the bag. Lisa licked it right out of my hand.

"Hey!" I said playfully as she gobbled up the morsel.

When she was done, she looked at me for more.

"You know the drill," I said. I took a couple of steps back and then I held out another piece of meat.

Lisa narrowed her eyes in feline annoyance.

"Come on," I coaxed.

She stood up and hobbled over to me.

I fed her another piece and then we repeated the process until we had circled the cage a few times.

Finally, I cried out, "All done!"

Lisa sank back to the ground. She looked exhausted but contented. I sighed. It was good to see her happy. I just wished I could look that satisfied.

Before I joined her on the grass, I went back inside to wash my hands. After that, I returned to the cage and moved the blanket so that it was next to her. I sat down and began to pet Lisa's back.

Lisa purred softly.

"Good girl," I told her.

Lisa closed her eyes.

I looked up at the night sky. The pinched and restless feeling that seemed to follow me around these days lessened a bit. I loved sitting up with Lisa. I just wished I had woken up at 5 am like I had planned, but then it wasn't like I needed the sleep. If anything, I had too much energy. I kept feeling like I should do something.

Lisa was back on her normal night schedule, so during most of the day, I didn't get the benefit of her company. When I wasn't taking care of her, I kept busy, mostly with exercising. I went on walks in the forest. I biked around town. I had done a thorough cleaning of the house.

Recently, I reopened my dog training business, but business was slow. Summer was a rough time to start it up again. Every teenager was looking for work, but I had managed to get one new client. I would see them next week.

In the meantime, I kept moving but I was going nowhere. Being back at Sarah's made me miss training with Lisa more than ever. I hadn't even wanted to restart the dog training business, but I needed to do something. I felt empty and the empty house wasn't helping.

Not that I was excited to have Sarah's family return. She had called me back earlier in the week and that had been a nightmare.

It had been last Tuesday. My phone had rung and I had seen Sarah's number. I had been very tempted to ignore it, but I knew that was a sure way to have Sarah totally freak out and do something drastic, like rush right over. So, I answered.

"Hello?" I asked.

"Kelsey is that you? Mike and I just got your message. Is everything okay? Are you hurt?"

It had been classic Sarah, overemotional and jumping to conclusions. I had said to her, "Calm down, Sarah. I'm fine. Lisa just had an accident."

"Is she okay?" she shot back. She was still in momma bear mode.

"She will be."

"Are you sure? Did you take her to the vet? Do you need money for a vet? Oh god, Kelsey, I can tell from your voice that's something's wrong. What-"

"Sarah," I had said sharply. Had she even heard the message? I had stated it all there.

I hated it when she was like this. She was the complete opposite of my mom, who had always been calm in a crisis. Sarah always made everything feel worse than it was. Her panic could infect you if you weren't careful. I had taken a deep breath and said, "I need you to listen."

"I'm listening. What is it, Kelsey? What's wrong?"

"Look, nothing is wrong. It's like I said in the message, Lisa and I had to leave Circus Maurizio because they would not let me take care of her in the way the vet wanted. We're at the house. I'm not sure how long we'll stay. I am trying to figure things out, but there's no emergency and no need for you to cut your vacation short. Lisa and I are fine."

"You quit the circus?"

"Yes."

There was a long pause.

"Sarah? Sarah?" I had hoped that she had hung up and that it was over, but I was not that lucky. When Sarah finally spoke, the real conversation began.

We had talked for hours. She'd been on her worst behavior; self-righteous, over-reaching, and needlessly worried. First, she apologized for not being there to pick me up, and then I had to convince her not to immediately come home. After that, we talked more generally and she managed to insult the circus, my judgment, and my parents all while acting like she was my only ally in this world. And then she'd had the gall to say that now that I was done "obsessing" over the circus I could go to college and begin actually living, whatever that meant. From there she started talking about OSU. In true Sarah fashion, she'd already sent in an application for me months ago and was excited to tell me about my acceptance.

"You'll love it. I just know it," she had proclaimed.

I hadn't said anything to that. It was all such a Sarah thing to do. I didn't even know where to begin. Sarah took my speechlessness as permission and went on a monologue about the wonders of college. When I finally escaped, I felt exhausted. Any positive feelings I had about seeing her, Mike and the kids had disappeared with that conversation.

It had been so draining to listen to her because she had been right and I had been wrong. And if she was right about the circus, what else was Sarah right about? Maybe I would "love" OSU. Despite the fact I hadn't actually applied there or to any college. I hadn't thought that I would need to, but now…well…I wasn't sure.

Should I go to college? I didn't know what to do about my life now, but the idea of college wasn't appealing. Sarah thought it was what normal people did and that I should be normal. She had spent a solid half-hour praising the benefits of a college degree. It had been beyond irritating, but honestly, I didn't have any better ideas.

I laid down and stared up at the sky. For the first time in my life, the future was a complete mystery to me. I wasn't even sure if Lisa was going to fully recover. Everything was up in the air and I had no idea what to do.

For the umpteenth time this week, I wished I had someone to talk to about all this. Mom would have known what to do. I knew she had left her old circus to be with Dad. It would have been nice to talk to her or Dad. He, at least, would have made me laugh, but they were both dead.

I squeezed my eyes shut. I didn't want to feel like this. I didn't want to feel lonely or lost. No parents. No circus. No Cathleen. Not even Dhiren could comfort me here. It was just me and Lisa.

I loved my bobcat, but she didn't understand what I was going through. We didn't even have training together to work through this the normal way. And I was running out of time. Sarah and crew were returning Sunday evening. Once they arrived, life would be all about OSU, forgetting the circus, and whatever else Sarah deemed "normal". I would have to fight Sarah every day I was here if I didn't want to go to college. Even with my excess energy, I wasn't sure if I was up for that endless debate.

Lisa nuzzled against my thigh.

I continued petting her. At least I had her, my trusty companion. Together we'd get through this. Somehow, she would be enough. Somehow, this would be enough. That's what I kept telling myself as I fell into an uneasy sleep.

A/N: Hi Everyone,

Thank you for reading and supporting this fic. As of right now, I'm tackling the climax once again. I'm very excited about the next few chapters. I hope you guys are ready to see how this story ends.

Please follow and review. See you next month.