Madeline couldn't think straight. Her whole world had just fallen into pieces. And she could do nothing to change it. Fuck Sirius. Fuck Severus.
She ran to her Dormitory to pick up the pack of cigarettes she kept for emergencies. Then, she exited the Castle. Fuck the lessons, too. She had to be alone, to think, to cry.
She walked in the direction of Hagrid's hut. The cold, vernal air made her shiver. The bleached sun shone timidly behind some grey clouds. She lighted up the Marlboro with a quick Incendio spell and inhaled the smoke deeply. The nicotine almost immediately relaxed her.
She didn't know what to do. Should she face Severus? She really wanted to see him… Both to verify he was okay, and to insult him. Fuck. He had made a promise…
Fuck promises. Such fragile things should not exist.
Madeline almost didn't realise she had started crying again. She hadn't even washed away the previous, by now dried, tears. She probably looked like shit with her puffy, red eyes and trembling fingers that brought the fag to her lips. Fuck that.
"G'mornin'… Ye should be in class, shouldn't ye?"
She turned to face the big gamekeeper, who was staring at her with a concerned stare. Hagrid was a gentle soul; the Marauders and she knew him very little, but they were used to send him a gift every Christmas.
She didn't even try to hide the cigarette, because she knew he had already seen it.
"Yeah… I know I am not supposed to be here, but… Please, don't force me to go back. Please."
Hagrid looked at her sad face, and then sighed deeply. "Mmm 'kay, just fer this once, though."
"Thank you, Hagrid," she managed to say, and gave him a tiny smile. Hagrid had a soft spot for broken things. He nodded to her and walked away, in the direction of the Forest.
She took another drag of smoke. Maybe she should let Severus go to her.
Maybe he would avoid her… He always ran away from problems.
But… Would he do that to her? Madeline almost laughed an empty laugh. Of course, he would. He had demonstrated he really didn't care about hurting her.
She hated herself because she knew that she wanted him to hug her. To kiss her. To sleep by her side. Fuck, she had never realised how much she cared about the Slytherin boy.
"You'll never fumigate the demons, no matter how much you smoke".
She turned to face James, who wrapped his cloak around her shoulders. The trembling stopped partially, then.
"Thank you" she said. "How did you find me?"
"The map, of course."
"How's Remus?"
James sighed. "Pomfrey gave him a Sleeping Draught. He was so tired and angry."
"I see…"
"Sirius disappeared after you left."
"I don't want to talk about him." She muttered and threw the cigarette away before making it disappear with a quick spell.
James followed her gesture with his hazel eyes, and then spoke again. "Do you want to talk about Snape, instead?"
She shrugged, "I don't know, Prongsie. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I want. I just know that I feel… Lost."
James nodded. "I know… I can see it… Come here, Mads."
She wasted no time and found some refuge in his open arms. James held her tightly. She cried even harder, then. Would it be that way, from then on? James, Remus, and her against the rest of the world? No more Sirius? The idea made her sick.
She knew Peter wouldn't turn away from him. Sirius was like a hero to the little guy. Madeline didn't care much about that. At least… Sirius wouldn't be completely alone.
And what about Severus? Would he be a full time Death Eater? Would he deny his feelings? She knew she could not forgive him. But would he even try to mend things? Or would he choose the hate for her friends over the love for her?
Fuck crying. She hated crying. She was wetting James' shirt. He did not seem to matter.
"McGonagall will be so mad at us for skipping lessons." Said Prongs to lighten up the mood.
Madeline chuckled, "Yeah, she's going to give us so many detentions…"
"At least you're lucky, she always assigns you to Rathbone, and the man so clearly adores you."
"We've been meeting weekly, you know."
"WHAT?" James asked, shocked. "You… What?"
"Chill, Prongsie" Madeline said, and laughed, taking a step back from him. "Nothing happened. I just asked him to tell me about this war… Plus, he's travelled a lot, so he saw a lot of things… I enjoy talking to him, that's all."
James raised an eyebrow. "And why didn't you tell us, then?"
"I wanted to protect him, you know, from looking like a paedophile or something…"
"Yeah, well, I trust you Mads, but this is weird…"
"He's a good man, James. He's never been unprofessional. I consider him a friend, almost."
"Whatever…" commented the boy, clearly uncomfortable with that topic. "Want to go flying? It always clears my mind."
"Sure, Prongsie."
"Come on, then. Let's go get our broomsticks."
The two of them walked back to the Castle side by side, in silence. Madeline could see that James was deep in thoughts, too. Sirius was his brother, after all.
They spent the rest of the day flying. It almost made them forget about what had happened. It was a nice day, that one. Madeline almost believed nothing had really change.
But the truth was… Everything had changed.
With her head up in the air Madeline decided she would confront Severus. She couldn't wait for him to do that. She had an impulsive character, sometimes. But she needed that. To see what he really thought about that whole situation.
Would he look guilty? Angry? Tired? Scared? All of them?
Madeline had to find out.
"It's getting late, Mads… D'you want to go and see if Remus is feeling better?"
Madeline nodded to James, "Let's grab something from the kitchen. We can dine with him in the Hospital Wing."
"Yeah, why not?"
They both went back on the ground, and Madeline took his hands in hers. James smiled at her, and squeezed it.
"Thank you for always being here." She muttered.
James pulled her at his side to put his arm around her shoulders. "Don't even say that. You're my sister."
"Until death do us apart?" said Madeline, giggling.
James laughed too, "A bit dramatic, isn't it? But yeah, until death do us apart. This sounds like something I can definitely promise to you."
Madeline smiled then. If only she had known her time left with James was so little… Maybe she would have held him stronger.