Another Second Chance
by Castlefan6
Authors Note: Another What If based on the episode, A Deadly Game, what happened if Rick didn't return to the precinct after leaving and this was really their last case. What would each other's lives have looked like? The story starts with Canon dialog, courtesy of Dust Jackets Dot Com, then goes quickly and completely AU. The journey continues with a new Kate and Rick, hope you enjoy!
I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create.
Also, we may take liberties with the timeline from Canon and use events to make this a more believable fiction, thanks.
Chapter 25
Castle's Residence
Pismo Beach, California
ONCE AGAIN REVIEWS ARE NOT POSTING, THE ISSUE HAS BEEN REPORTED, AGAIN, THANKS TO THOSE WHO REVIEW, I DO SEE THE EMAILS AND READ THEM, HOPEFULLY THEY WILL FIGURE OUT WHAT ENHANCEMENT THE KEEP ADDING THAT SCREWS THIS FEATURE UP AND CORRECT IT PERMANENTLY UNTIL THEN THANKS FOR YOUR PATIENCE
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"Rick, please don't be angry or upset, Alexis and I were just talking, we didn't realize BoomPa's little ears were listening. We were just talking like Mom and daughter, both worried about your happiness" Gina started slowly,
"Gina, are you waiting for me to explode about you and our girl worrying about me? The only thing I would ask is please be sure Princess can't hear you, she's like her mom and worries about adult things when she's just a little girl," Rick said kindly
"You aren't upset, that Alexis and I talked? Just the fact we weren't careful enough to protect, and you're absolutely right, Lisa Marie does worry far too much for a little girl, especially about her BoomPa."
"Yeah, that's the only thing Gina, look I know you and Peter have your life, and you should live it, every day to the fullest, and Alexis, God knows she did enough worrying about me before she was married.
"It's time for her and Mike, and I think they've figured it out, there are no happily ever after in real life. Even the person you love can drive you totally crazy at times," he smiled, knowing that Mike had been in the dog house a few times, after starting out being the PERFECT husband.
"I'm sorry Rick, but what is the story with Marcy, or with Kate? You seem content, but not happy, not since Marcy left to go back to New York. You know you need to get out there again don't you if one of those two isn't making your heart sing. You told me I would find my soul mate, I doubted it, but I'm glad you made me open myself to it, now Peter and I are really happy. I just want that for you, we love you, all of us"
"It's complicated, Gina, let me freshen your drink" signaling he was done with the conversation. As he made the drink his mind returned to the damn flashback he couldn't stop.
FLASHBACK Continued
He remembered the talk with Marcy, how he had to bare his soul, even bring up his past that he hadn't spoken of in years. He had broken her trust, well dented it when she found out about his earlier life, but they had recovered from that. The call, he would never forget that call,
XxX
"Captain Beckett speaking"
"Kate? Captain Beckett?" Rick almost dropped his phone,
"Rick? Please, Rick, don't hang up, give me one minute, please" he heard a door close and the sound of shades being lowered,
"I'm sorry Rick, I'm back, thank you so much for calling, I wasn't sure that you would." She got out in a very shaky voice,
"Well, I'll get to that, but did you say, Captain Beckett? When did this all happen? Congratulations by the way" Rick said,
"Well, it's really my third day, after Gates, well you know all about what happened, anyway, Commissioner Boyle approached me, I had taken the Captain's exam at Roy's insistence shortly before, her voice cracked before he was killed.
"I was on the list, and when they arrested Gates, I was given the 12th and a promotion. It's not permanent, at least not yet. I have to prove I deserve it in 90 days, or I could lose it and be reassigned." She rushed out,
"Well, you won't. Lose it I mean," Rick said,
"I wish I had the same confidence as you, Rick, you always were the one that thought I could do anything. You believed in me, even when I didn't believe in myself, so Thank You for that.
"I have no idea how to thank you for giving Dad and I closure we never would have had if not for you, your generosity, and finally your knowledge of how and who to send the evidence to. Jordan and I talked at great length, and I'm so thankful for all you did.
"I understand you so much more now than I did before, and I won't put you on the spot. My feelings haven't changed, well they have, they have grown deeper, but my sense of wanting to give you the time and space you gave me overrules my selfish wants now." She said quietly,
"I read your letter, and (long pause) I knew Jordy had talked to you, how much she told you I don't know but I won't kiss and tell. I could see her through your words, it was a replay of what she told me she wished she had said and done, well before.
"We got to talk a little in private during the Scott Dunn case when I was waiting in the car, or you were off somewhere. She's happily married to a guy who worships the ground she walks on, always did, beautiful kids, so no sense in trying to replay something that worked out so well for her" he said with sadness in his voice,
"What about you Rick? When do you deserve your happiness? She loved you, of course, you knew that, but woman to woman she told me she would make me hurt if I ever hurt you again, and she meant it, Rick. How are you? I know I shouldn't ask, but I want, no I need to know since it was my fault you were shot, to begin with." She said, quietly,
"I'm fine, I just called to thank you for your nice letter, and well, I guess Congratulation now that I know of your promotion, just don't burry yourself into this job Kate. You're so much more than a badge, I don't know what's going on with me. I still have two weeks before we can go back home"
"We? Are you taking Gina, or Alexis with you to California?" Kate asked innocently
"No, Gina and Peter are finalizing their wedding, and Alexis is trying to complete 4 years of college in three before she gets married," Rick said before Kate almost dropped the phone,
"Alexis, married? My God Rick, how are you taking that? You freaked out when she went to prom, you sound so calm for her to be getting married,"
"Yeah, well she found her one and done, and no matter what Gina, I, or anyone say, they're young and going to change the world, at least she promised to finish school before she even thought about kids," Rick said,
"So, who are you going to California with, if it's not Gina or Alexis?" Kate asked, almost afraid to know, wishing and hoping he would say therapist or doctor anyone but another woman's name.
"I have a private nurse who became my best friend when I hit some low spots in the hospital, well she and her twin daughters, Brigette and Brianna are traveling back with me after we finish here in the Hamptons," Rick said calmly,
"You mean they're with you in the Hamptons Rick? You have your friend and nurse and her twins with you as you recuperate?" Kate asked a little angrier than she intended,
"Yes, Det, eh Captain, is that a problem? The girls just graduated from high school and this is part of their graduation gift, "his tone had changed, letting her know where she stood,
"I'm sorry Rick, I shouldn't have asked that I don't want to fight, or make you angry, you know how I feel, and I won't push it" Kate backtracked,
"Well, when I told you I needed time for me, I had no idea of how much. I'm being honest with you Kate, I'm not playing some game, but Marcy is my nurse and best friend.
"She's been with me throughout the hospital stay, and I was the one who convinced her to become my private nurse during rehabilitation. If I recall it was you with a surgeon when this whole incident occurred, so why are you questioning who I have with me?" Rick asked, not unkind, but not with the emotion
"I'm sorry, you're right Rick, it's none of my business. I know we hit a huge snag, something I said in our phone call created a wall for you that I couldn't get over, I'm sorry for that, and if time is what you need, then I promise I'll do my best. I'm glad you did call, you know you can call me anytime, we don't have to debate the past, we can just talk as"
"As what Kate, friends? I want to be friendly with you, I want to forgive you, I want to forget, but I have much larger issues than you and I do deal with now. I don't want to get into them with you, but to anticipate your question, yes Marcy will be here to help me. I didn't say that to hurt you, but I'd rather you hear it from me than see it or hear from some other source." Rick said softly,
"OK Rick, just tell me what I can do, if anything. Please just don't shut me out as I did you, please" Kate said softly,
"Kate, I have no idea of how long, I wish I could tell you, but I really don't have any idea. I won't blame you if you want to"
"Rick, I'll be here, Always." She sniffled and cleared her voice, "Rick, I promise you, call me for whatever you need, wherever you need me to go when you're ready, I'll be here. I know you don't believe me; you have no reason to, but I'll prove it to you. Can I just ask you one favor, please?" She whispered,
"Kate, I'm not sure I'm in any shape to help anyone, but you can ask, no promises," Rick said reluctantly
"When you make love to her, just remember that I love you with all my heart, and I will forever, even that won't change my love for you. I understand what Jordan told me now, even more." Kate got out through her tears, before saying "Thanks for calling Rick, I really mean that" before she disconnected the phone.
Rick sat there, stunned, especially with the when you make love comment, what the hell, did she know? Was it her permission? Why did it matter, he hadn't committed to her or anyone exclusively? He didn't know how Marcy felt, about that, knowing his history with Kate, she had said she wanted to take it day by day as he continued to heal, physically and emotionally.
He felt so close to her, but was it, love? He was sitting in his office, still perplexed at the change in Kate, especially her last statement, when Marcy knocked on the door,
"Rick, your guest is here" as she stepped aside, to allow Doctor Carter Burke, formerly Major Burke, USAF, Special Forces, to walk through the door and hug a smiling Rick.
"Burke, you old flyboy you look good, what's with the hair, less maintenance now? You used to have every hair in place, what happened, get old or lazy? Rick laughed, as he rubbed the bald head, cleanly shaven,
"Rodgers, you haven't changed a bit, well excuse me, Castle now, did they finally catch up with you when you used your real name," he laughed as the two exchanged bro hugs.
"How are you really Rick? Something tells me not as good as you want to let on. I just want to tell you that I have to be careful, I'm one of the Psychologists for the NYPD now, and Roy's, well that mess has forced some to seek help. I know Detective Beckett and you were close, partners if I recall, so I have to be sure I maintain privacy for both parties." He looked sad since he had known Roy on a much more personal level than most knew.
"I understand Carter, it's mostly, well let me get Marcy in here. She's been my Godsend and she needs to know the full story, the flashbacks came after the shooting, and then the panic attacks. I don't know what I would have done without her. You can omit any part that would infringe on Beckett's rights to privacy," he said as he walked to the door and returned in a moment, holding Marcy's hand.
"Marcy, this is Doctor Carter Burke, formerly Major Burke, my therapist after the incident, and the one who booted me from the service over a year and a half early." He smiled as he said,
"Carter, this is Marcy Foliar my nurse and best friend, she needs to know the whole story. She's going to return to California and help provide the history to Doctor Peers and his Dream Analysis Clinics."
"You're actually going to try that Rick? I'm surprised and happy, I know Peers, he's doing some good work, it's been effective for our Vets." Doctor Burke said, then he turned and took Marcy's hand,
"It's nice to meet you, Marcy, you have your hands full with this one," his head pointed to Rick, "but he's one of the good ones."
"It's nice to meet you, Doctor, here's the release forms Rick knew you would need to be allowed to speak openly. I'm only trying to help find the true triggers that cause his severe panic attacks, especially when he's already in the middle of a nightmare. He's difficult to wake and calm, we, my girls and I were frightened that he would hurt himself so soon after so much surgery." Marcy said softly,
"Thank You, Marcy, I appreciate the proactive step, we can get right into the incident if you wish, with your permission Rick." Doctor Burke asked as he faced Rick, now holding Marcy's hand as they sat close together on one chair,
"Of course, Carter, no secrets, Marcy needs to know it all." Rick said, seeing the look on his friend's face, "All of it Carter even the bad stuff, as well."
"Do you want something Rick, we don't want to kick off another episode, I brought a dosage of your medication you previously took, the anti-anxiety," Doctor Burke asked, Rick, looked to Marcy, then reading her eyes, rolled his arm up to take the shot.
"It's important Rick that we don't do more harm than good by revisiting this part of your life, I'll skim a topic's surface and let Marcy push for more details if she reads signs it may be something that is impacting you today, is that fair?" Doctor Burke asked, as Marcy shook her head, kissed Rick's cheek,
"Hey, I'll be right here, I promise nothing is going to hurt you, we just need to find what will stop these episodes from happening, OK?" She asked Rick, tears in her eyes, knowing this was hurting him,
"Hey, I'll be fine, I'm in great hands, I trust you both." He said, OK Doc, let's get this on show on the road,
"Well, I'll skip the parts of how Rick sustained the wounds, but he was in pretty bad shape when they got him back to the MASH unit and was a priority to get to Germany. The surgery was difficult, the location of the bullets could have caused paralysis, or death, in the worst-case scenario." Doctor Burke started,
"Excuse me, Doctor Burke, if Rick was out, which I'm assuming he was, who made the decision to go ahead with the surgery, who had his medical POA (Power of Attorney)?" Marcy asked,
"Well, repeated calls to his Mother went unanswered" Burke replied,
"She was on tour and couldn't be bothered with my little problems she later said" Rick confessed,
"Who made the call? Rick?" Marcy pleaded
"I only had one friend, Bob Weldon who was wounded as well, not as bad, but he was my POA, and made the call. He knew I would rather have died than to come home a cripple. I know that sounds awful, but it's the way I felt, well still feel."
"OK, I'm getting an understanding of why it's so hard for you to let others take care of you, but you thrive on taking care of everyone else now," Marcy said quietly, as Doctor Burke smiled.
"As I was saying the surgery was difficult, in fact, one medical fact Rick tried to hide was the loss of feeling in his left hand intermittently, something I caught early on when he dropped a cup of coffee during one of our sessions."
"Marcy, I didn't want to leave the service, my men, my job was left unfinished, I failed them," Rick said with tears in his eyes,
"Is that what you think Rick? Is that what you think the Army thought when they gave you the commendation and purple heart? It doesn't mean you failed, it means you did all you could do, even disregarding your own safety to save others, Rick, you didn't fail." Marcy had cupped his face, and kissed him gently,
"Are you sure you're an NP, you could pass for a hell of a therapist Marcy. Guilt and a sense of failure were two huge triggers we fought at first." Doctor Burke replied.
"Were those the major triggers then Doctor Burke?" Marcy asked,
"Well, there was one additional," Doctor Burke looked towards Rick, who nodded his head, "He also had extremely low self-esteem, and worse, he didn't feel his life was valued by anyone.
"Remember, his mother didn't take the call from the Red Cross, and the life or death decision of surgery was made by a friend. His reason for joining the service surfaced, it took a while, but we finally got to the motivation, that directly correlated with the triggers," Doctor Burke said softly,
Marcy had tears in her eyes, but her voice was determined, "You joined the service when Kyra left you for England, didn't you Rick? Oh, baby, you were worth her, hell you were more than enough for her or any woman."
Rick had sat silently, gripping Marcy's hand and responding to her pulling his head onto her as she hugged him,
"So, there was the sense of failure, a lack of self-worth, coupled with guilt for a presumed failure, in both his duty and his life, so I think we can draw a direct line from the previous wounds to those most recently.
"The triggers were originated from the wounds as Lieutenant Rogers, but exacerbated once again when Rick failed, in his own mind, to stop the shooting at Captain Roy Montgomery's funeral.
"Marcy, I truly believe that Rick was reacting to his previous training, to knock Detective Beckett out of harm's way, especially since he knew how close he had come to death once from a gunshot. I know how much he loves his daughter, and nothing in this world could replace her in his value system" Doctor Burke said softly,
Marcy's tears flowed now, and Rick was the one comforting her,
"I'm sorry Rick, so sorry you had to relive this hell. I know now, what to tell the doctors, and thank you for being honest with me, nothing is new except your sense of no value of your life. Rick, you make a difference in so many different lives, you touch people wherever you go,"
Rick hugged her, as she continued to cry. After a few moments she collected herself and they showed Doctor Burke out,
Rick turned to her and said, "So what do you want to do now"
She crossed the three steps and kissed him,
TBC