Hullo there!
Dick: did you just say 'hullo' instead of 'hello'?
Yes, and it WASN'T a typo.
Jason: yes, you are weird.
Many thanks.
Jason: ...
Anyway, part of the reason I haven't uploaded in a while is because I was trying to match up characters in this story. I was finally satisfied with a choice, and this is the result.
Dick opened his mouth to start the next story but was cut off by the ringing of the Grandfather clock that blocked the entrance to the Batcave. Grandfather clocks only ring on the hour, but Bruce had it set up so it would only ring at 12. Which means it only rang twice a day. If they already had lunch, this meant that it was currently midnight and Bruce hadn't come home.
This sent a shiver of fear throughout the Batkids, who all jumped up and headed immediately for the cave. Not only did Bruce not come home, but Alfred disappeared up the stairs some time ago.
"Dinah mentioned that Batman sent her to check on us," Dick remembered. The bats all suited up quickly and headed towards the computer. "Which means that she knows where he is."
"Maybe he told her through call," Jason mentioned. He quickly checked his pistols to make sure they were loaded. No one but Jason knew what kind of pistols he had, but he always claimed that they were the best in the world, saying they were "custom-made just for me, so if anyone tries to steal them, I will blow their head off." The family never asked him after that.
"Let's try calling the League, just to be sure," Barbara suggested. Tim made a face that confused everyone except for Dick and Barbara.
"You look like you don't like the League," Steph noticed. Tim nodded.
"Why not?" Damian asked. Tim shrugged.
"Bit personal," he said. He didn't elaborate, so the others just dropped it.
Dick dialed the Watchtower. They waited for a few minutes before Hal answered.
"Hello?" he said. Dick smiled at him.
"Hey Hal," he said. Hal smiled back. You don't have Dick smiling at you and not smile back.
"Hey, Dick, wassup?" he asked.
"Bruce didn't come home and it's midnight," Dick explained. He ignored his siblings in the back, all starting to make theories and place bets behind him. "Would you happen to know where he is?"
Hal nodded solemnly.
"Batman, Wonder Woman, and Superman ran off to another planet for an emergency," he said. "They got a call saying that something beyond weird was going on out there."
"Do you know when they'll be back?" Dick asked. In his peripheral, he saw Jason slip Tim a 10.
"Batman said it would take around 5 months... if it took any longer, we should assume they got stranded on a planet and one of them resorted to cannibalism," Hal said. Dick blinked while his siblings laughed behind him. Hal smiled sheepishly. "Yeah... Clark and Diana didn't find it very funny, either..."
"So... no Bruce for 5 months," Dick repeated. Hal nodded.
"Yep. Sorry."
"No, that's fine. Thanks for letting us know," Dick informed him. They hung up the call and Dick turned to his siblings, who all shut up when he did.
"Ok, so... I'm going to be running around as Batman for a while, ok?" Dick said. Steph whined.
"Why do you have to? Can't you just go around as you usually do?" she asked. Dick smirked.
"As scary as we are, Batman is the absolute most TERRIFYING thing in Gotham," he said. "The second our enemies think there is no Batman, regardless of whether we're here or not, they WILL take advantage."
"Then make Jason run around as Batman," Tim suggested. "You guys are the same size."
"Yeah... no," Jason said. "Sorry, but Batman doesn't use guns, and guns are my primary weapon."
"Besides," Dick said. "I doubt Damian wants to be running around Gotham with Jason."
"Ew. No thank you," Damian said. Dick smirked at everyone.
"That's that," he said with a note of finality. "Now, to bed with everyone. No patrol tonight."
Everyone cheered and headed upstairs. Dick went off to find Alfred and inform him of Bruce's absence. He didn't know why, but he got the uncomfortable feeling that the next five months were going to be more catastrophic than normal.
Dick woke up the next morning feeling a sense of dread settle in the pit of his stomach. He practically ran downstairs and discovered why he had such a bad feeling.
Roy and Wally were back.
"Hey, Dick!" Wally called.
"What's up?" Dick asked half-heartedly. He continued down the rest of the stairs and was given a bowl of cereal from Tim.
"We heard Bruce is out," Roy explained. "We decided to come and keep you guys company."
"Oh, joy," Alfred said sarcastically from the kitchen. He had overheard what Roy said and knew what was going to happen within the ensuing next 5 months. Wally laughed.
"Relax, Alfie," he said. "We won't do anything drastic!"
"That's what I'm worried about," Alfred said, rolling his eyes. Before anyone could question what he meant, the butler/grandfather excused himself from the area, instead heading to the grandfather clock that led to the Batcave. Dick shrugged and sat down in the Story Chair, bowl of cereal in his hand.
"A'ight," he said, mouth full of cereal. "Ith net ory ith E'er n eh Olf."
"What?" Damian asked. Jason tsked him.
"'This next story is Peter and the Wolf'," Jason translated. The Bats all went "ooh," or "so that's what he said." Well, all except Barbara, who was too used to Dick dicking around.
Wait…
Dick swallowed down his mouthful and started the story.
Once upon a time, there was a kid named Terry who lived with his grandfather, Bruce.
A couple snickers could be heard from the audience.
Terry always played with all sorts of birds and animals and stuff in the garden, but Grandpa Bruce always said not to leave the garden so he could avoid the wolf.
"Is the wolf's name Joker?" Jason interrupted. "Cause I want its name to be Joker."
A chorus of agreements rang out, and Dick sighed. He put a hand to his head, ready to throw something at someone.
"Fine! His name is Joker!" Dick exclaimed, exasperated. The others cheered.
"Whatever you do," Bruce would tell him. "DO NOT LEAVE THIS GARDEN."
"Can you guys guess what he did?" Dick asked.
"He left the garden," everyone chorused.
Obviously, he left the garden. He wandered around outside, bewildered by the lack of fencing around the area, when he stumbled into a meadow and saw a duck swimming in a pond.
Terry walked up to the duck.
"Hey, I don't think you should be swimming so carelessly," Terry told her. "There's a wolf around here somewhere- "
"Listen, kid, I'll be fine!" said the duck.
"Ok, so, what's her name?" Cass asked. Dick sighed.
"Kitten," he said.
Terry shrugged and walked away from Kitten. A bird flew down. Since SOME PEOPLE insist on every character having a name, the bird's name was Wally.
Said boy recoiled slightly, as if being hit.
"Hey dude!" Kitten said. "You wanna join me in the pond?"
"Pretty sure that's just a puddle," Wally said. As the two were talking, because, you know, animals can do that, Terry saw a cat start sneaking up on the two.
"WATCH OUT!" Terry shouted. Wally turned around and saw the cat, whose name was Damian, and flew up into the tree. Damian the cat glared at Terry.
"Seriously, Bro?"
"Wait a second," Tim interrupted. "So, there's a duck named Kitten, and the cat is Robin?" he asked. Dick crossed his arms.
"You wanted names? Well, there you go!" he said, annoyed.
As Terry glared back at the cat, grandpa Bruce came outside and saw the gate.
"Why do I even bother?" he asked himself.
"Because you're a Bruce," Jason said nonchalantly. "Deal with it."
This made Tim snort in amusement.
"TERRY!" he shouted. Terry cringed, knowing he had been caught.
"TERRY, I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME! HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU NOT TO LEAVE THE GARDEN! COME BACK HERE BLAH BLAH BLAH…"
You know, the usual angry Bruce noises.
The Bats shared a laugh at this.
As soon as Terry was back inside the safety of the garden (and Bruce had gone back inside the house, complaining about how no one ever listened to him) he saw Joker prowling around.
The audience's eyes widened at this. Dick smirked at them.
The hungry wolf made eye contact with Terry, then stalked off into the meadow.
"Oh, sh-"
Damian cleared his throat rather loudly. Dick huffed.
"-ipping containers!"
This made everyone burst out laughing. Out of everything Dick could have changed it to, he chose 'shipping containers'?!
"I'm going to say that from now on," Jason said. "It'll drive Bruce insane!"
"LET'S ALL DO THAT," Cass suggested, and everyone cheered except for Dick, Barbara, Wally, and Roy. Dick and Barbara would not be participating because they were going to take some pity on Bruce, while Wally and Roy… well, they preferred their hearts beating in their chests, not in front of their screaming faces.
Naturally, Terry felt the need to go save the meadow animals from Joker. He opened the gate again and stepped outside the safety of the garden. He wandered into the meadow, careful not to make any noise…
Dick's voice got noticeably quieter. Everyone had to lean in close just to hear him.
Everything was silent, even Terry's breathing. Nothing moved.
He slowly let another foot fall, then another, and then…
Everyone jumped back with a scream when Dick suddenly shouted at the top of his lungs. He didn't even shout anything coherent, just… baby babble.
This resulted in the first pillow war in a while, except this time, Dick was fighting back. He managed to knock everyone down, even Damian, without breaking a sweat. Now, he was standing over them, laughing hysterically.
"I WILL MURDER YOU ONE DAY!" Jason shouted. Dick poked his nose.
"I look forward to it," he said. He continued to laugh.
After everyone had calmed down and sat back down in their seats, Dick cleared his throat.
Joker wasn't anywhere nearby, so Terry called out for all the meadow animals to gather around. Wally hopped down from his tree branch and Damian walked up to him, sour expression on his face.
"Maybe he's still upset with him for warning Wally about his attack," Steph theorized. Dick shrugged.
"Makes sense to me," he said.
"Everyone," said Terry, "I have a plan to get rid of the Joker once and for all!"
"Are we going to blow him up?" Damian asked. Terry blinked at him.
"How would we do that?" he asked.
"Dynamite, duh," Damian said, rolling his eyes.
"I would never say that!" real-life Damian exclaimed. "Everyone knows that dynamite is too messy."
"Then what would you use?" Tim asked him. Damian scoffed.
"I thought the obvious answer would be C-4," he said. Dick's eyes widened in horror, but Tim just looked confused.
"Isn't C-4 more powerful and messier than dynamite?" he asked. Jason giggled.
"Big mess go boom," he said. Barbara gave him a confused look.
"What?" she asked. Jason laughed and waved a nonchalant hand.
"Nevermind," he said. "Inside joke…"
"I'm going to have to revoke your guys' explosives rights," Dick said. Tim turned to him in shock and horror.
"I didn't do anything!" he exclaimed. Dick gulped.
"Yeah… not yet," he said. Before the conversation could spiral out of control even more than it currently had, he cleared his throat again, VERY loudly, and took a deep breath.
"I – no, we are NOT going to blow him up," Terry said. He pulled out a piece of rope and showed it to everyone.
"Yay, rope," Wally cheered sarcastically.
"Sarcasm? But rope is a genuinely GOOD thing!" Wally interrupted. Dick sighed, fearing that he wouldn't get through this story before lunch. "Especially in the hands of a BAT…"
"True," Roy agreed. "The amount of times Dick saved our asses with a single piece of rope… I'm embarrassed to admit that it would ever happen at all."
Dick gave them a smug smile.
"Would you guys please just trust me?" Terry asked, exasperated. The animals all let out long, prolonged sighs and nodded.
Terry had Wally fly up to a branch holding one end of the rope while Damian went up there to tie it off.
"Can cats tie knots?" Cass asked. Dick raised an eyebrow at her.
"Realistically, cats can't speak, goats can't spit gold, and dogs can't live on the moon," he pointed out. He suppressed a smirk at Wally and Roy's confused faces. Cass shrugged.
"Fair."
Terry then hid behind the tree, waiting for Damian to tempt the wolf in his direction. Thankfully, Joker was an idiot, and followed.
When Joker got close enough to the tree, Terry wrapped the other end of the rope around his tail. Joker was yanked backward when the rope ran out.
Damian made his way to stand beside Terry and Wally, who were staring in shock at the now tied – up wolf.
"Wow… I can't believe that worked," Terry said in awe.
"I know, right? Such a simple plan with so many factors that could've proved deadly to all of us!" Damian exclaimed. He then walked up to Joker, but not so close that he would get caught.
"This is for killing my brother before I could do it," he said.
Real – life Damian coughed into his fist, but there was a smirk on his face. Dick had scored a point. To his surprise, Jason was smirking, too.
"What now?" Terry asked. Wally shrugged.
"Can birds shrug?" Steph asked.
"Can cats tie knots?" Dick responded.
"Apparently so," Barbara interrupted.
"Let's send him to the zoo or something," Damian suggested. Terry and Wally agreed with him and they all lived happily ever after.
"The End," Dick finished. Damian frowned a little bit.
"That's a weird ending," he said. Dick shrugged.
"It's an ending, isn't it?" he asked.
"What happened to Kitten?" Tim asked. Dick frowned.
"Who?"
"The duck," Cass said hesitatingly. Dick frowned, trying to remember, then facepalmed when it came back to him.
"Right, her," he groaned.
How about she was eaten by Joker when no one was looking?
"Satisfied?" he asked. His siblings still looked unsatisfied, but he shrugged, not really caring.
At that moment, Alfred walked into the room.
"Master Dick, could I borrow you for a moment?" Alfred asked. Dick shrugged.
"Sure thing, Alfred," he said. The others sat there in awkward silence when Dick left.
"So…" Jason said. He grabbed Wally's shoulders and stood him up, shoving the poor dude in the direction of the Story Chair. "Your turn."
"Hold on, what?!" Wally exclaimed. Damian shrugged.
"Yes, it's your turn to tell a story," he said. Everyone was quick to agree, leaving Wally speechless and annoyed. Finally, he sat down with a huff and crossed his arms.
"Fine, I'll tell a story," he said. He looked down in thought, wondering what story to tell.
"Sometime today, please," Jason said, rolling his eyes. Wally turned a little red.
"I'll tell one!" he exclaimed. "How's this: Dick Whittington and His Cat!"
Dick: 39?
Tim: sigh... no.
Jason: 58?
Tim: nope.
Jason: 57?
Tim: Jason, you've been counting down from 1,000 for two weeks, and you still haven't found it.
Jason: with this method, I'm bound to find it at some point. 56?
Tim: still no.
Dick: 119?
Tim: JASON SAID THAT TWO DAYS AGO.
Guys, the number is 38!
Tim: why would you ruin that? I was having fun!
You were getting annoyed.
Tim: same thing, right?
Yeah, sure... oh, wait! JEN-M, I don't know if you're still reading this fic or not, but Wally's story has FINALLY come up!