That afternoon, Serena found the encourage and apparated to London.
Samuel was waiting for her in front of Kingsley's building, and they both hesitated before stepping through the door.
Strangely, Serena found the worst part of the experience was looking through his more impersonal items; the food that he had bought, thinking he would be cooking and eating there that weekend with her; the clothes that were drying on a rack by the window because he found that spell-drying clothes made them hard and uncomfortable; his toothbrush sitting in a pot by the sink… all the daily things of a normal life he expected to come back to that weekend.
Tears were shed by both of them as they found photo albums and jewellery and other precious things Kingsley had kept in a draw by his bed. Serena broke down when she found a shoe box with every letter she had written him, every silly drawing or note she had sent, as well as random items, like stones they had drawn on from their first trip to the beach, or the red ribbon she had worn in her hair the night he had asked her out… She had no idea he had kept all these sentimental items and the knowledge of it broke her heart even more. She added some extra items to the shoe box and decided that it was the only thing she wanted to keep. She would put the photos and other items she had kept from his Hogwarts quarters inside too, she thought, and keep this precious box to open whenever she missed him too much.
They folded and sorted Kingsley's clothes, took the food to the muggle charity down the road, and vanished many unnecessary items like kitchen ware. Samuel took a lot of his belongings and promised to sort out the furniture over the weekend. He was off work for ten days and preferred to be busy.
At seven o' clock Samuel suggested they stop and go for a drink in the up and coming quarter down the road.
She agreed, but asked if she could choose the bar, she didn't fancy sitting somewhere she had been with Kingsley before.
They drunk their first beer at the bar, talking about Kingsley's things and the sale of the apartment. By the second beer they were laughing about good times they had spent together when they were younger, and about the first couple of years she had been with Kingsley. By the third beer Samuel had his head in his hands and he was confiding to her that he might be getting a divorce.
"Oh Samuel," she cried, squeezing his arm tightly. "I'm just so sorry… what happened? I thought you and Sandra were perfect for each other…"
"So did I," he said glumly, before launching into his story.
By the fourth beer Serena had begun her story of everything she regretted when she had walked away from Kingsley, and all the time she now felt she had wasted without him.
"Come on," Samuel said eventually. "I'd best be going, she'll only have another go at me if I'm home late again."
Serena hugged him goodbye but said she was staying for a night cap. The truth was she didn't want to go back to the castle just yet. She waved the barman over and asked for a double whiskey.
She felt better, sat at the bar with alcohol coursing through her blood. Everything seemed less painful, less real. She felt woozy and calm as though her mind was finally telling her that she could relax here and for the first time in days she felt as though she could finally think.
What was she going to do with her future now? Samuel was selling the apartment where she was supposed to have moved in this summer. She had planned to quit Hogwarts, to start training to become an auror with Kingsley but did she really want that now? If she left Hogwarts, where would she go? For now it seemed to be the only place where she had friends and it was a roof over her head where she felt safe.
She had sudden flashes of when she had left Kingsley all those years ago. She had spent time on the streets, on and off, and never wanted to return to that insecurity and constant fear every again.
She enjoyed teaching, she realised, she really did, and she especially appreciated the impact she had on some of the students. Not all of them, of course, not even the majority really, but there were still that handful of kids that seemed to trust her.
She asked the barman for another double.
"Bad night sweetheart?" he asked her in a cockney accent. "That bloke didn't dump you, did he?"
She snorted and shook her head. "No, he didn't. But thanks for your concern."
The barman poured her another drink and went back to wiping his glasses.
She took a large sip and sighed as the liquid hit the back of her throat. She didn't feel the burn anymore, she didn't feel anything at all, and that was just how she liked it.
Anyway, she was getting ahead of herself thinking of the future. She had to get through the rest of the school year first. If she went back to work after two weeks like Albus had suggested that would take her to mid-April. The OWL exams began in May and the NEWTS followed shortly after at the start of June and then that was the end of the year.
She should bury her head in work, she thought, focus on the greenhouse and her occlumency as well, and hopefully the end of the year would pass as quickly as possible. And the holidays… well, she had some time to think about that.
"Good evening my lovely," the stool next to her shifted and a broad man with a tattoo on his neck sat down. He was wearing a black t shirt and he had cropped brown hair. Serena had to blink a few times before she could focus on his tattoo.
"Is that a parrot?"
"It is, do you like it? I'm Harrod, by the way."
The muggle stuck out his hand and Serena shook it to be polite. "No offence, Harrod, but I came for a quiet drink." Was she slurring? When had that started?
"I can be quiet, if you want some company… perhaps you're looking for something, ey?"
"I've found what I'm looking for," she said, sending him a dry smile, "right here in the bottom of my glass."
"Ah come now-"
"You can't change my mind."
"How about you let me try-"
"Fuck off Harrod," she glared at him eventually, finally losing her temper. She shot a glance at the barman who had come nearer. "Can you get rid of this one for me?" she asked, resting her head on her hand and looking bored.
"Off you go Harrod, try again later," the barman said, smirking at the other man.
"Aw come on Sammy-"
"Away," the barman ordered at his friend who returned to a group of men in the booth behind her. She could hear them sniggering.
She stood up carefully and headed to the bathroom, she felt out of control. She couldn't tell if it was a good thing or a bad thing. She sat down on the toilet and put her head in her hands as the cubicle whirred and spun before her. What was she going to do now? She couldn't apparate back to Scotland. Should she sleep in Kingsley's apartment? Would the wards let her in alone?
Finally, she did the only logical thing she could think of. She pulled her wand from out of her jeans and focussed on her patronus, hoping that she had enough concentration to have it meet its destination.
"Can you come and get me please?"
She peed and went back to the bar, ignoring the group of men that were now whistling at her. "Last drink for the road," she asked the barman who abided without comment.
She turned the glass around between her fingers and her eyes lingered on her ring finger, now empty. What a short-lived engagement that was. She remembered hoping when she was younger that one day she would marry Kingsley. Now she would never marry. She thought about Minerva and about her life. Was she happy? She didn't have any children. She seemed to never leave Hogwarts except for the holidays, was she going to be like that? Something Minerva had said came back to her. "my first husband" she had said.
Serena rubbed her eyes and drank. Her vision was starting to betray her. It probably wasn't a good sign, she thought. But then again she was feeling good. She wasn't emotional, she didn't feel lost or hurt, she just… was. She felt calm and she was enjoying not being completely in control for once. She didn't have to think about anything.
"You okay, hun?" the barman named Sammy asked her quietly. He was about her age, she realised, and he was sending a warning glare to the men behind her.
"I am just fine," she sighed. "Just fine. Better than ever actually. And how are you?"
He smiled and began wiping down the bar. "So who was that man you were with?"
"That," said Serena with emphasis, "that was my dead fiancé's brother."
The barman opened his mouth and then shut it. "Well that explains that then."
She laughed a strange, hollow laugh that she didn't recognise. "Hmm. Don't worry, my ride will be here in a bit. Do you want to join me for a final drink?"
The barman hesitated and then pulled down two fresh glasses. "Okay but tell me what you think of this whiskey instead."
He poured them both a good measure of a darker whiskey and they clinked glasses from across the bar.
"So… what happened?" the barman asked.
"Oh… went and got himself killed, I suppose," she said, looking into her glass. "This is reaaaaally good whiskey."
He laughed, "Someone offered it me as a gift last year and I thought 'God I need to get that for the bar.'"
"Is this your bar?"
"It is," he said proudly. "I opened up a year ago. Still going strong."
"'s very nice."
"What's your name?"
"Serena."
"Serena, that's beautiful. I'm Sammy."
"yes," she said nodding, "your creepy friend said."
He chuckled. "I can kick them out if you like, I should be closing soon anyway. You know, Serena, if you don't want to wait for your ride I only live around the corner…" His hand inched over the bar and a light finger touched the back of her hand suggestively.
At that moment the door flew open with such emphasis Serena nearly fell off her stool.
The group of men had all turned around and Sammy the barman had taken a large step back from Serena, his hands in the air.
Severus Snape stood in the doorway in all his terror and glory, dressed in his black billowing wizard's robes, a menacing glare on his face and his fists clenched at his side. He stormed towards her and grabbed her roughly by the arm.
"I think you've had enough," he growled, pulling her to her feet.
"Oi!" the group of lads had stood up and turned threateningly towards Severus. "You leave that girl alone!"
"No, no, no" she tried to say quickly as she stood awkwardly, Severus still pulling her arm painfully. "I's ok, he's my friendddd."
"Get your bag," he snapped, giving her a rough shake.
"Now come on mate," the barman began. "Serena, do you really know him honey?"
Severus growled, "on first name terms are you?"
Serena grabbed her bag, her head spinning and Severus began to pull her towards the door.
"Wait! Wait! I haven't even paid!" she cried, pulling out some muggle money and throwing it in the direction of the bar.
Severus had no patience, he pulled her out into the street, marched with her to a small back alley twenty metres away and then rounded on her with all his fury, pushing her heavily against the wall.
"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" he growled, his face mere centimetres away from her own.
"Me?" she cried, "what are you doing? I'm having a quiet drink-"
Severus' words came out in a shout. "A drink! It looked a lot more than one drink, you can barely stand up, you've got the whole bar drooling over you! You're on first name terms with all of them! I saw him touching you when I walked in!"
"And so what!" Serena shouted back, pushing his chest as hard as she could but still not able to move him. "So fucking what! I feel good! I feel better than I have all day! Everything that has happened didn't exist in there! I feel numb! I feel calm! I wanted a place to think and to not think and that's exactly what I found and you're not going to judge me for it!"
"Is that what you think! You think this is the answer! Drinking yourself to death every night and behaving like a common whore!"
"I can fuck whoever the hell I want! Everyone keeps telling me to get on with my life and move on so why are you so surprised!"
"Is that what you want?" he growled, pushing her harder against the wall so that her head smacked painfully against the stone and she couldn't move. "Is this what you want?" he shook her again and pressed his body firmly against her his chest pushing crudely against her breasts, his body pinning her wand arm to her side. "Is this what you want? Is it? Is it? Does this make you feel better?" His leg pushed in between hers, pressing indecently against her pelvis, his whole body flattened her against the wall and he challenged her with flashing eyes and burning hatred.
She slapped him.
He released his grip and backed away, breathing heavily, anger radiating off his whole being.
"I could strangle you," he said through gritted teeth, his fists clenched tightly and his knuckles white. "You don't have any idea."
"Of what," she snapped. "What? God I knew I shouldn't have called you-"
"Then why the fuck did you? Or did you find it funny, is that what is was? You wanted to have a laugh and get your kicks that way too?"
"What the fuck are you on about?"
"Do you even remember the message you sent me?" he cried angrily. "Please come and get me. Please come and get me! At one o' clock in the fucking morning! No location! No geo spell! Nothing! I have been going out of my mind with worry, I have tried seven different bars and had to used illegal localisation spells to fucking get here! You have no fucking idea what I was imagining!"
Serena stared at him, her eyes wide, her breathing heavy. Hadn't she given her location?
She could feel those emotions that had been suppressed for many hours rising up rapidly. She looked at Severus properly this time and realised that yes, he did look scared and worried and angry. He had been frightened for her. He did care about her, even though he would never have admitted it under normal circumstances.
She took several deep breaths and very slowly walked over to him, reaching out her arms slowly, giving him time to pull away if he still hated her, and when he didn't move, she pulled him into a gentle hug.
He relaxed slowly and after several seconds he wrapped his arms around her tightly.
"I'm so sorry," she muffled into his robes. "I didn't want to worry you, I wasn't thinking properly… I didn't know what to do… I just knew that you would come."
Severus sighed and buried his face in her hair. "It's none of my business what you do… I just… my first reaction was… fear."
She pulled gently out of his arms and gave him a grateful smile. "Can you take me home now?"
…
She awoke alone and fully clothed, face down on the duvet of her bed. She made it to the bathroom in time to throw up neatly into the toilet, before crawling back to bed and throwing herself under the covers.
She drifted back to sleep.
The next time she woke up she sat up too quickly and groaned loudly at the banging in her head.
She dove back under the covers and fell asleep again.
The third time she woke up crying.
She spent the day in her rooms, playing the guitar, reading books and napping. It did her some good, she realised, the silence and the stillness. Remus popped by in the evening to check that she was ok and Severus sent her another vial of calming draught via floo with a message telling her they would try the new potion the following evening. He didn't come to see her, though. She wondered if he had been thinking about their outburst the night before. He had never before admitted that he cared for her. She had needed him, last night, she had needed his harshness and his anger and his power. She had been spinning off the rails and he had been the only one strong enough to pull her back on track.
Kingsley would be grateful, she thought. He would be reassured to see her with such good friends.
…
The rest of the week was spent in much the same fashion. She slept late, she read books, she sometimes ventured out for a walk or flew her broom, and she ate occasionally with Remus.
She had seen Severus on that Thursday evening in his classroom. Neither of them had mentioned Tuesday night. She didn't know how she had got to bed and she was too embarrassed to ask. She didn't remember anything after him pulling her into apparition.
"You haven't taken any potions today?" he asked as he inspected her closely, scanning her with his wand.
"No, nothing."
"Any flares of emotion?"
"No, not today."
"The air temperature seems milder," he commented with a raised eyebrow.
She shrugged. "It comes and it goes."
"Very good."
When he was satisfied, he gave her a small vial of potion to drink and delved back into her mind, both of them ignoring the slight tension between them when he had to move closer and place his hands on her face. It made her remember his knee pressing between her legs and his hands gripping her wrists and she couldn't make sense of any of it. He was obviously thinking the same as it took him two attempts to delve into her mind.
She stayed on her mind island, feeling as light as the breeze around her until Severus pulled out and told her it was done.
"Do you think it worked?" she asked timidly.
"I have added the compilation to your potion, changed a few ingredients to stabilise it, and I am happy with the outcome. You shall take the modified potion tonight, you can vanish the other, and we shall record all side effects as we did the first time. I will need to see you every three days just to check you for physical effects. Other than that, I am quite satisfied. And you are free of your babysitter, as you like to put it."
"Good news for everyone, then" she said quietly.
Severus grunted. "Are you able to look after yourself, that is the question."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"When was the last time you ate?" he asked firmly.
She gaped, "I dunno…" she thought about the crackers she had eaten at breakfast and realised she hadn't had lunch. "I had a really late breakfast," she defended herself, her cheeks burning. "What the fuck is it to you anyway?"
"Nothing, but Filius is tired after one week and if you start fainting or worse, I don't think he'll be too pleased about having to come back full time."
Serena glared at him but there was no feeling in it and Severus knew it.
"I'll order for us both then," he said sternly.
She had eaten with him and spent another hour or two reading the book she had started before reluctantly retiring to her rooms. He had offered her the sofa but she turned him down gratefully. It was time to start her new life.