Chapter 52
Tony took a breath and let it out. Then, he pushed the buzzer to get into Tim's building.
"Hello?"
"Hey, Zahara... it's Tony."
"Tony! I have not seen you in months! Please, come in."
The door buzzed and Tony hesitated before going in. When he got up to the apartment door, he hesitated again and then knocked. There was some chaos on the other side of it before it opened. Zahara was remarkably not pregnant. Of course, Tony knew that she'd had the baby, but he hadn't seen her for quite a while. Something that was entirely his own fault.
She quickly hugged him before he could say anything at all. No indication of any resentment on her side.
"Tony, it is so good to see you. Please, come and see Jonathan. Tim said, when Salma was born, that you thought all newborns look like lizards, but he is very cute now."
"I never said that!" Tony protested.
Zahara just laughed and let him go. Then, she led him over to the bedroom.
"Salma, be quiet for a few minutes, min fadlik."
"Na'am, mama," Salma said.
"Teaching her Arabic?" Tony asked.
Zahara smiled. "Tim says that his children need to be better at languages than he is. We are not pushing it, but we want her to know the words and the languages. Just enough that she can learn easily." Then, she put her finger to her lips and opened the bedroom door.
Tony walked in with her and saw Jonathan asleep in the bassinet. He didn't even stir as they approached.
"He looks a lot like you," Tony whispered.
"Yes," Zahara said. "His eyes are blue, but he is darker than Salma. He looks much as my brother Ahmed did when he was a baby. My mother showed me the pictures."
"He's cute. Definitely not a lizard."
Zahara laughed softly. "I would let you hold him now, but he has been a grump today and I do not want to wake him."
"No worries. I don't want to hold a grumpy baby," Tony said, quickly.
Zahara led him back out of the bedroom and closed the door softly.
"Where's Tim?" Tony asked, looking around and realizing that Tim wasn't there.
"He is walking Jethro," Zahara said. She lowered her voice a little. "Some days, it still is hard for him to leave home. He gets nervous about what might happen to him, but his guards have been helping him. One has started running with him in the morning just to help him feel better."
Tony felt a pang, knowing that he hadn't been there to help Tim at all. He'd been able to rely on the guards from the CIA for help, but not one of his friends.
"I'm sorry that I haven't been here," he said. "I was having some problems myself and I needed to get my head straightened out."
Zahara looked at him in surprise. "Did you think that I was trying to make you feel bad about that, Tony? I promise that I wasn't. When Tim first came back, his parents were here. In fact, we had to tell them to leave because we felt Tim could manage it. Dr. Hicks has been very helpful. We have had support all through. If you had to take time to get better yourself, you did not leave us alone."
"But I could have been here, and I wasn't."
Zahara shook her head. "No, but Tim is so much better now, and you should not feel like you kept him from healing."
"I wanted to talk to him."
"Then, you should go out and find him outside, not in here. Salma still is a little anxious when he is gone sometimes, and when he comes back, she will not let anyone else be with him."
"Okay. Where would he be?"
"There is a park about a block away. He goes there with Salma very often and since Jethro is getting so old, he will walk with him there instead of going running."
"How long do you think Jethro will last?"
"I have never had a pet dog. I do not know, but I think that Tim will know, and it probably will come to the point that he may have to have him put down so to save him from the pain, but it will be hard. Tim loves him."
Tony nodded and then hesitated once more. Zahara gave him a gentle shove toward the door.
"Go, Tony. If you need to talk to Tim, do it."
"Right. Okay."
Tony left the apartment and then the building, on the search for where Tim would be.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
Tim sat on the bench with Jethro drooling contentedly on his knee. Times like this, he really did feel pretty much normal, although he did regret the evidence of Jethro being so far past his prime.
"Jethro, you are getting old. I'm sorry to say it, but you are," he said, petting his dog. "I guess you don't mind right now while we're sitting here, but it's kind of hard to see it sometimes. I hope you're still happy."
Jethro wuffled and continued to drool on Tim's knee. Tim smiled and kept petting him. He would need to go home soon, but while he felt pretty good, he would stay outside.
"Hey, Tim."
Surprised by the voice addressing him, Tim sat up quickly and turned to confront whoever was there. It only belatedly registered that it was Tony. He was standing there, looking a little sheepish.
"Hi," Tim said. He hesitated for a moment and then smiled slightly. "Long time, no see."
"Yeah, I know. Mind if we talk about it?"
"No. Have a seat."
Tony sat down, looking very awkward.
"How are you doing?" he asked.
"Right at this moment, pretty good. I have good days and bad days, but I'm in my right mind and most nights, I don't have nightmares that wake me up. I'm coming back to work on Monday."
"Yeah, Gibbs told me."
Tim gave Tony a sidelong glance. Tony was leaning on his knees, looking out at the park.
"Is that why you're here today, then?"
"Well, I should have come a long time ago, but I chickened out every time I thought about it."
"Why? I'm not really that intimidating."
"You don't have to be."
"Okay? What's going on, Tony? It's like you're trying to build up to saying something really serious. Are you going to say that you can't handle my life anymore? I understand if..."
"No. No, that's not what I'm going to say," Tony said, sitting up quickly. "Gibbs said that you'd start to think the worst if I didn't say something."
"Okay. Then, what?"
"I'm sorry, first of all."
Tim raised an eyebrow, even though Tony wasn't actually looking at him at the moment.
"Sorry for what?"
"Mostly for avoiding you."
"Most of you guys probably wanted to. I've been hard to deal with."
"Yeah, but most of us still tried to help. I didn't. I'm sorry about that."
"Why didn't you?" Tim asked. He wasn't quite sure how he felt about this conversation. On the one hand, he could see Tony's concern. On the other... well, Tim didn't know if he wanted to understand how Tony felt.
"Well... I know how this is going to sound, but I'm still working on it."
"Okay?"
Tony stood up and turned around to look at Tim directly.
"I couldn't handle it. The whole time you were missing, the whole time we were searching for you, we were working with Carew. Gibbs even made me work with him only for a few days."
"What? Why would he do that when he knows you don't like him?" Tim asked, his brow furrowing.
"Because I was letting how much I dislike him get in the way of finding you. How I felt was more important than anything else. Gibbs said that I had to either work with him or I was basically fired."
"Really?"
Tony nodded and looked ashamed. "The worst thing is that I almost left. I almost walked away. It was almost worth it to basically be willing to abandon you to those guys just so that I could avoid Carew."
Tim tried not to show how much that hurt. He tried to remember that Tony had said it wasn't going to sound great. So he didn't say anything.
"And do you know what stopped me?"
"No."
"Carew. I was about to drive away and he was right there, staring at me. It was like he was daring me to leave with a witness. And I wouldn't be surprised if he was there just to make sure I didn't leave. So I stayed and I worked with him. But I hated it. ...until I forgot that I hated it and was just working."
Tony stopped and seemed to be expecting some kind of response. Tim didn't know what to say. So he just sat there and stared at him.
There was a lengthy pause and then Tony sighed.
"When we figured out where you were and we went to the house to get you out... and I realized how bad it had been for you... I'm sorry, but I couldn't deal with it."
"Why not?" Tim asked. "It's not like you had any reason to think you were to blame for all this. The people who..." He stopped and then forced himself to keep going. "...who took me had nothing to do with you."
"I know...but it just reminded me of what I did to you. Tim, all these years, I never could forgive myself for what I did, for the pain I caused you, for being willing to sacrifice you to save Ziva, for attacking you when you had just saved my life." Tony sighed again. "And every time someone tried to help me with it, I deliberately didn't do anything because I felt like I deserved it."
"Even though I told you more than once that you didn't?"
"You were just trying to make me feel better. Or you were afraid of what else I'd say to hurt you," Tony said.
Tim let out an incredulous laugh.
"Tony, yes, you hurt me. Yes, that swat on the back was incredibly painful. Yes, you blaming me for what happened to Ziva hurt. But you didn't know about the shrapnel, and you'd been tortured. I understood, even if it did hurt."
"Yeah, I get that, but I didn't let myself accept it. So... after you were in the hospital and Zahara came, I ran away. I avoided everyone, not just you. I didn't know that you'd fallen apart. I didn't know that you were trying to hide from everyone. I deliberately avoided everything because I couldn't square what I'd done." Tony walked back to the bench and sat down. "When I went to the hospital to tell Ziva and Gibbs about you coming back...and what I'd done to you... I looked at Ziva and all the things they'd done to her, and in my mind, what I'd done to you was exactly the same. Every time something has happened to you, I've felt that way. What I did to you was exactly the same as whatever anyone else did to you."
"That's not true," Tim said.
"Yeah, but that's what I told myself. Over and over. And I believed it, so it didn't matter what anyone else said. And this was so bad that I couldn't handle it."
"Neither could I."
"Yeah. Well, eventually, I knew that I had to talk to Gibbs, so I did. And he said that I had to talk to someone about all this stuff or else I was fired."
"What?"
Tony actually smiled a little. "Yeah. He said he didn't care who, but I was going to get myself straightened out or I wasn't coming back. Well, he didn't actually say that, but it was implied."
"Gibbs doesn't usually imply anything. He says it or he expects us to read his mind, but he doesn't imply," Tim said.
"Maybe. But he meant it and I decided that I'd pick someone who knew all about this stuff so I wouldn't have to say much."
"Who–?" Tim began and then realized who. "Dr. Hicks?"
"Yeah. I met with him in the afternoon, so I wouldn't see you in the morning."
"Oh. And you really thought you could get away with not saying much? After all I've told you about him? After the times you've talked to him?" Tim asked.
"Yeah," Tony said.
Tim laughed, although there wasn't much humor. "That was pretty stupid, Tony."
"You're telling me. He gave me a pretty impressive smack down on my first day. And I've been meeting with him ever since. And... it really did help. I'm still seeing him and it's actually getting easy again. It hasn't been for a long time, but it's starting to now."
"I'm glad," Tim said.
"But I spent so much time avoiding talking to you that... that I didn't know how to start it again. I was afraid that you'd be so mad about what a crappy friend I've been that you wouldn't want to work with me or talk to me. And I know I'd deserve that. I abandoned you when you really needed all the help you could get and, even if you had a lot of people helping you, I wasn't one of them. And I should have been."
Tony leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees again, and stared at the ground. Tim looked at him for a long moment. He had a few conflicting emotions roiling around in his brain at the moment. On the one hand, he understood the feeling of failure, of worry, of being overwhelmed and just needing to escape all that. On the other hand, it hurt that Tony had deliberately left him just because it got hard. On yet another hand, there was nothing that said Tony had to be there every time, especially when Tim knew he'd had a lot of help. And on a final hand, Tony was his friend and his friend hadn't been there.
"I know that I just dumped a lot of stuff on you, Tim. Whatever you decide to do about it will probably be for the best."
"You sure about that? My judgment isn't always the greatest," Tim said.
"Yeah. About this. Yeah," Tony said, still staring at the ground.
At first, Tim still wasn't sure how to respond, but then, a sudden thought hit him and he actually smiled a little, although Tony didn't see it. He had to be careful about how he did this, though. If he just went all out, it would change the dynamic...and not for the better.
So he reached out and gently swatted Tony on the back of the head.
Tony sat up and looked at him in surprise.
"That's what I'm doing, Tony," Tim said, still smiling.
"That's it? I tell you all this stuff and your response is the weakest, lamest Gibbs slap ever?"
"Tony, I told you before that I don't blame you and I don't want you blaming yourself. Yeah, it does kind of hurt that you would leave me, not because I didn't have help but because you knew I needed help and you didn't want to give it. But this was a bad one. The worst in a while because of what they were making me do and how they were making me do it. I'm still not quite over it yet, but I'm getting there. And if you needed help to deal with things that you never dealt with in the past, I can't hate you for that. When you're down in those depths, you do things that don't make sense when you're out of them."
"So... you're okay with working with me?" Tony asked, looking genuinely nervous.
Tim smiled and nodded. "Yeah, I am. If you can handle working with me, I can handle working with you."
Tony looked way more relieved than Tim would have expected.
"Good."
"So... I've been gone for... a long time. What have I missed?" Tim asked.
"Quite a bit. Mostly two big things."
"What?" Tim asked.
Tony hedged a little and then he smiled.
"Well, first, Ziva and I are dating."
"Wait. What? How did that happen? When?"
"Well... long story, but... Ziva was mad at me for abandoning everyone and she confronted me about it and said she loved me and she wouldn't watch me destroy myself."
"She just came out and said that?"
"Well, it was accompanied with slamming me into the wall, but yeah," Tony said.
Tim felt shocked. It was coming out of nowhere for him, but at the same time, it didn't seem impossible. Just unexpected. He didn't even know what to say.
"So... that's pretty much how I felt, too. But we talked and after I got myself straightened out a bit more, I asked her on a date. It's... going pretty good. We're taking it slow, making sure we don't mess it up since we're both pretty good at that."
"Oh. Are... you happy?" Tim asked.
"Working on it, but when I'm with her, I really am. Never thought I would say that, but it's true," Tony said, looking a little embarrassed.
"I'm glad for you, Tony. Really. I hope it works out."
"Me, too."
"So... what's the other thing? More or less shocking than that?" Tim asked.
"I don't know how you'll see it. I thought that me being with Ziva was more shocking."
"Okay."
"Gibbs is retiring at the end of the year."
"Oh. He never said anything to me at all... but I've been preoccupied with... other things," Tim said. "There were rumors about it."
"Yeah, but that's not the big thing."
"It isn't?"
"No. He wants me to take over the team when he retires."
Again, Tim was surprised but not. He didn't know what to say about that, either.
"So... I'll be in charge. Can you work for me, not just with me?"
"Wow. I can... but it'll be an adjustment."
"You did it before."
"Yeah, and as I recall, things didn't shake out so well."
"That wasn't because of the team. It was because Gibbs kept showing up and leaving," Tony said. "I'd want you to be my senior field agent."
"What about Ziva?"
"Actually, she might transfer to Lovitz' team and we'd do a switch, maybe having Lara working with us, instead."
"What?"
"Ziva and I have been talking about it and we don't know if having us in a relationship and yet me being her supervisor would work out."
"You outrank her now, you know," Tim said, smiling.
Tony laughed. "Yeah, but that doesn't really come up on a day to day basis. Being the team lead would."
"Yeah. Wow. Is that really going to happen?"
"We're not sure yet, but Ziva said she was going to talk to Lovitz and see what he thought and if he wasn't opposed to it, and if Lara was okay with it, we'd take it to Director Shepard and see if she'd approve it. We don't want to force anyone to move around if they don't want to, and if we talk about it while Gibbs is still here, then, it won't seem like I'm trying to order Lovitz around." Tony smiled. "The best thing is that Ziva would still be in the building. And I wouldn't have to try ordering her around."
Tim laughed a little, and then, he remembered something, and his smile faded.
"What?" Tony asked.
"The day that..." he took a breath and let it out in a whoosh. "The day that they took me, I remember that I was thinking about how much things were changing. After years of staying the same. Ducky retired. I'm going to be moving."
"Wait. You are?" Tony asked, now looking worried. "You didn't say..."
"Just to a house instead of this apartment we're in. It's too small. I haven't chosen anything yet. The CIA is vetting some properties for us. It's like having a real estate agent before getting a real estate agent. And I think that, if we liked a place and it met the CIA's requirements, we'd end up getting it, no matter what," Tim said.
"You're okay with the CIA being that involved?"
"Yes. If it keeps me safe and my family safe, it's worth it. And I'm actually getting to know a couple of my guards." He took another deep breath. "It's helping. But with Gibbs actually retiring. You and Ziva dating. Ziva maybe moving to another team... It's weird to think about all these changes happening so close together."
"I think that Dr. Hicks would probably say that's the way life is."
Tim laughed. "Yeah, I'm sure he would. Did you know that his assistant asked him on a date?"
"Really?" Tony asked.
"Yeah. He told me that he'd considered it before, but he never had felt like he could give her what she would need, because of his feet. I think there's probably more to it, but his feet is the only thing he'd admit to with me. But she came to him and he said that she told him she'd been waiting for him to say something for a couple of years and she wasn't willing to wait any longer."
Tony laughed. "I guess even the omniscient psychiatrist can miss things occasionally."
"I guess," Tim said. "I should probably get back and give Zahara a little break from Salma. Have you seen Jonathan?"
"Yeah. I went to your apartment, first."
"Oh."
"He's cute. Not lizard-like at all, and I can't believe you told your wife that I said that."
Tim smiled and stood up, disturbing Jethro from his contented drooling. Tony stood as well and they started back to Tim's place at a slow pace.
"I'm surprised she remembered it. It was just in passing."
"Uh-huh. Well, those are the only two big things I can think of. It will be good to see you back at your desk."
"Are you sure?" Tim asked, seriously. "There's always a lot of awkwardness when I first come back."
"Yes, I'm sure. Awkward is better than you being gone," Tony said, firmly.
"Okay."
They walked the rest of the way back to the building in silence. Then, Tim paused.
"Do you want to join us for dinner?"
Tony shook his head. "No, thanks. ...I've got a date."
Tim smiled. "Okay. Have fun."
"Oh, I will," Tony said, with a false leer. Then, he got serious. "Tim, really, I'm sorry that I let my own messed up brain make things harder for you and for the others who were trying to find you. I didn't really get how messed up I was because I'd been that way for so long. I can't promise that I'll never lapse at all, but I'm still working on it and it's getting better."
Tim gave Tony a companionable slug on the shoulder.
"Don't worry, Tony. I'm glad things are getting better for you. I hope that you keep it up because you deserve to be happy. I deserve it and so do you. I'll see you on Monday."
"See you."
Then, Tony walked off and Tim went inside, thinking that he was now really looking forward to going back to work.