By the time that Alec could think clearly again he was in pain. Every muscle in his body was protesting, the skin on his knuckles was cracking and his ribs were screaming. Steadying the punching bag he leaned on it, trying to regain his breath. His heart was pounding in his chest, but his head had finally stopped screaming at him.

The numbness that he had worn for so long, that protected him from feeling the worst of everything, that allowed him to distance himself from what was going on, had returned to his body. Now he was just tired and in pain. Those were things he could deal with. Things he could do something about.

It had been months since he had felt the need to pound out all the frustration and pent up feelings for which he had no room to deal with. The last time had been the day after they had gotten kicked out of their last apartment. And then he had met Magnus and something had changed. For the first time in a long time he had felt like things had truly taken a turn for the better.

But of course it couldn't last long, because these things never did.

Right now, however, he was too drained to think on his feelings. There were things he needed to do. First of all, properly apologise to Magnus for lashing out at him. Alec couldn't fault himself for stopping Magnus, because Alec would do literally anything to protect his siblings, but his words had been much harsher than he had intended and Magnus didn't deserve that.

Wiping sweat off his forehead he turned to grab the worn black shirt he had grabbed that morning, but discarded once actually in the training room. He was going to have to take a shower, but first, find Magnus. He stepped in the elevator with a man who got out on the eighteenth floor. Coming to the top floor he found himself faced with the inhabitant of the west side penthouse, who gave him a disapproving and disgusted look. Honestly, Alec knew he smelled bad, but he was not in the mood to humour the man's general foul attitude. Instead Alec turned his own glare on the man, who startled and immediately got out of Alec's way and slipped past him into the elevator. Served him right.

Alec stepped inside the apartment to find Magnus on the phone.

Magnus noticed the sound of his boots on the floor and looked up: 'Ragnor, Alec has returned, I'm going to have to call you back later. Thank you so much for your help.' A moment of silence as Ragnor answered. 'I will. Goodbye, Ragnor.' With that he turned up and looked at Alec. 'Alexander.'

'Magnus, I'm not good at apologies. But… I'm sorry. I shouldn't have lashed out at you like I did this morning. You didn't deserve that,' Alec spoke before Magnus could get a word in edgewise.

His expression softened: 'Alexander, you had every right to be angry with me. I shouldn't have tried to push you into doing things you don't want to. You have been so patient with me, and I should have returned the favour. So I'm sorry too.' Alec stood a little lost as he watched Magnus still sit on the couch. He had no way to reply. Instead he nodded numbly.

'I should probably take a shower,' Alec spoke up after a moment.

'Actually,' Magnus patted the sofa next to him. 'Would you come sit with me for a moment? I have some things I want to share with you.' Alec hesitated for a moment, but did make his way over to sit down next to Magnus and turned to look at him. Magnus reached out to the coffee table and grabbed a small set of papers.

He searched for another set of papers as he started speaking: 'You probably heard I just got off the phone with Ragnor. He's going to take another look into it, but from first glance he agrees with me that your parents simply made a very great error in attaching Jace's name to the loan. It is not likely that there is a legal way out of it.'

'I kind of figured that,' Alec replied, still confused as to what Magnus really wanted to discuss with him.

'And I know your problems go far beyond money. It's also the safety of your siblings. And it can't go on for any longer.'

'What are you trying to say?'

'I want to offer to buy out your debt. It's going to take me a couple of months to completely get you cleared, because I will need to move some assets around, but I should be able to.'

'Magnus-.' But Magnus wouldn't let him speak.

'I also want to offer you and your siblings a better place to stay. An apartment has opened up a couple of floors down. That way you could live with your siblings again, take care of Max and have a safe place to live. It'd get Izzy away from the drugs and give Max a proper clean home to live in. And you'd be close by for when I need you. I know that's selfish, but I do believe it is a win-win situation.'

'Magnus, you can't-.'

'If you want me to, I could help you get your mother's deceased status overturned in court. It is going to be one hell of a fight, but Ragnor claims that there is precedent. I didn't tell him any of the specifics yet though, and I won't unless you tell me to do this.'

'Magnus, stop-.'

'As for Valentine I was thinking we could contact a private investigator. I'm pretty sure that Ragnor has a couple of contacts that we can trust. If we can build a proper case against him we can combat the threat. There is no statute of limitations on murder, and with your mother in the picture she could testify along any evidence we find.'

'Please, Magn-.'

'Of course, it is all up to you. I'm just laying out the options I have for you right now. If Ragnor comes back to me with more than we can absolutely consider that as well. I also considered pulling some strings and see if I can get Isabelle in as a candidate for a secondary scholarship. I wouldn't know where to begin with that, but Dorothea will probably be more than willing to help-.' Two fingers pressed to his lips finally stopped Magnus from spilling out more words. He looked at Alec, but the other man pressed his own lips into a thin line, his eyes on his knees.

'Alexan-.'

'Just stop for a moment, okay?' Magnus nodded and Alec retracted his hand folding them in his lap. A tense silence fell for a moment as Magnus could see the cogs turning in Alec's head. Bright eyes were averted and his expression completely unreadable.

'Why?' Alec still didn't look at him, wringing his hands with nerves and not elaborating.

'Because you need the help.'

'No,' Alec shook his head. 'Not like this. What are you getting out of this?' He finally looked up. A pained hardness had come over Alec's features, begging for an answer from Magnus.

'I care about you, Alexander.'

'Please, don't lie to me. Did you make a deal with someone? Are you getting a tax break somewhere?' The words hurt. He knew Alec didn't think of him as someone who would take advantage of another, but the presumption that there was an underlying motive still stung.

'What makes you think that I have an ulterior motive?' The pained hardness turned to a desperate confusion.

'Because why would you ever do this out of the goodness of your heart? It makes no sense,' Alec choked out. 'You are my employer!'

'But I'm also your friend,' Magnus instantly replied.

'Friends don't pay off hundred thousand dollar debts for each other!'

'I do.' Magnus' voice was quiet, hoping not to further upset Alec. 'I care about you and your family and I want to help. And I know you haven't received a lot of it in the past, but I genuinely just want to help.'

'I could never repay you for doing any of that.'

'And I won't ever ask you to.'

'Magnus, I can't,' Alec shook his head.

Magnus' face fell in disappointment, but he really should have known to expect it: 'That's okay. Like I said, it's all up to you. These are just the options I have right now. How about we start with something simple. Move your siblings into the building?' But Alec once again shook his head. However, it didn't feel like a denial, more like a gesture of disbelief.

'I don't understand,' eventually fell from Alec's lips. 'I don't understand you or your motives. Your flirting, your whims, your looks, your interests. You are confusing me. You don't follow the same rules that everyone else follows, and I don't understand why. But more than anything I don't understand why I can't step away and say no to anything your ridiculous mind comes up with. I know I should laugh, tell you that you're being ridiculous and end the conversation, but I can't. Because I know you mean something with it. And I just…'

'What I get out of this, Alexander,' Alec looked up at Magnus carefully chosen words, 'is that I get to have you stay with me. If I bring your siblings closer, if I remove the threat, if I take care of you, then maybe you'll stay. You won't leave like everyone else does. That is my selfish want. Very few of the people I get close to stick around for very long, Ragnor and Catarina being the exception. Either I have to push them away before they hurt someone, or they leave me. And I don't think I could survive you leaving.'

Alec simply stared, unable to form words, still looking desperately confused. Magnus sighed. He hadn't planned to tell Alec then. He hadn't even considered that sharing his feelings with Alec in that moment might be a good idea. But the way Alec was looking at him right now... The words almost tumbled out of his mouth.

'When we met I was a shell of the man I used to be. I couldn't sleep through the night, I was afraid of someone bursting through the door every moment and no one could get me out of that spiral. And then I met you. And as you saved me, as I watched you, there was this pull I couldn't explain. You made me feel safe because I knew without a shadow of a doubt that you were a truly good person. You'd blow up the very ground under your feet to make something right. Just like that you were bypassing walls I had carefully put up, without forcing me to tear them down.

'And as we spent time together, I got to see more of you. You are this beautiful amalgamation of contradictions. You are sweet, but strict when you have to be. You're serious, but can find so much joy in the little things. You are confident in your decisions, but so insecure about your own value. You are caring and intelligent and when you smile there is no way to not stare. And before I knew it, I was halfway in love with you already.' Alec's breath hitched in his throat, but Magnus continued.

'And I know it is selfish, but I cannot stop it. I wouldn't have put this on you right now if I didn't think that it would help you in understanding my motives. I know there is an inherent power imbalance between us and you shouldn't feel forced to reciprocate or even respond to this. You can just leave it hanging in the air, but I hope it helps you understa-.'

'Me too.'

Magnus froze: 'What?'

'I'm not sure. I mean, I've never… But you… You make me… feel things… And I…' Alec got stuck on his own words and averted his eyes again. Magnus couldn't believe what he thought he was hearing.

'Alexander, just so we're completely clear here. I just told you I have feelings for you and you are trying to say that you feel the same? You know that there is no pressure from me whatsoever? I can deal with my feelings not being reciprocated.'

'I know,' Alec nodded. 'I just thought, that… You should know. It doesn't change anything, but-.'

'What do you mean "It doesn't change anything"?'

At this Alec looked back up: 'It's too risky.'

'Risky? Alexander, you know I feel the same way.' Alec nodded in reply. 'Then where is the risk?'

'I'm not talking about... that,' Alec gesticulated in the air as realisation of what Magnus was getting at came to him. 'I'm talking about more material risk.' Magnus simply looked confused.

Alec took a deep breath: 'Realistically, you know my situation and exactly how bad it is.' Magnus nodded in understanding. 'My debts alone… As long as I'm in this job, we have a power imbalance. In a relationship, things get complicated... Feelings are heightened and if I make the wrong move, you might want to never see me again.'

'Alexander-.'

'We're either going to have to tiptoe around each other, or I have no assurances that I keep my job.'

'But if-.'

'And if you pay off my debt, we keep that same power imbalance. I will owe you, for the rest of my life. And even if we work out perfectly and live happily ever after, a part of your mind will always be there nagging and wondering if I'm only with you because I still owe you. And that is just money. The target on both our backs would be bigger and I just… I'm not willing to risk it.'

'Then what do you want?' A little bit of hurt was seeping in through Magnus' voice.

'What do I want?'

'Yes, Alexander. I gave you a set of solutions to your problems, I bared my soul as you have yours. I would love to risk it, because I believe being with you is worth any risk we would be taking. Because you've unlocked something in me and it is not closing back up. But I said I wouldn't make you do anything you didn't want to so you are holding all the cards. Your honest feelings and not the rational or the right choice, Alexander. What do you want?'

Magnus eyes pierced his very soul and Alec was sure that here in this moment, he would have confessed his very deepest and darkest desires to Magnus, had he had any. And maybe that was the darkest secret of all and the only selfish want he had left. That long buried longing to stop running and let himself resurface. Take time to process all the feelings he had and finally let them consume him again so that for the first time in his life he could actually find out what it was that he wanted.

But Magnus didn't know this. He had no clue for how long Alec had been denying himself any selfish ambitions or hopes. He didn't know that Alec had been shut off from his own feelings for so long, that he wasn't sure he even recognised them correctly anymore. So how was he supposed to know what he wanted?

'I don't think…' He started struggling to find words that could express his jumbled mess of thoughts. 'I'm not sure… I don't know if I can still…'

'If you can still what?'

'Want. I don't know if I can still want.'

'Alexander, if you don't want to tell me-.'

'No!' Alec quickly interrupted. 'No, you don't understand. For as long as I can remember I've lived with one single goal in mind, and that was to protect my siblings. Everything I've ever done has been for that. The reason I originally took up archery was because I was good at it, and me succeeding at something meant that my siblings wouldn't have to. Archery allowed Izzy to stop playing violin, debate club got Jace out of AP maths. I hated dropping out of high school, but what else was I supposed to do?!

'There was no point in wanting something, because the simple fact is that I don't get what I want. I never have. I'm the one who makes the sacrifices so that they can be happy. The only way to deal with that is to stop wanting. I've been living off the crumbs of the happiness I bring. When Izzy comes home smiling because she did well on a test, when Jace puts a little bit of extra effort in his appearance because he's going out with Clary, when Max tells me I'm a good brother, when I see you entertaining guests so comfortably and confidently because that is where you belong, when Madzie smiles that big toothy smile that she so rarely gets. I live for those moments.'

Alec's voice was getting desperate and tears were threatening to betray just how broken he felt right now: 'I know that this is not everything I ever wanted. But I don't know what else to do. Because what I have right now is all I can do to keep on going. I cannot open up to what I want because I don't know if what I find on the other side is going to break me. Because life isn't about what I want, it is about what must be done!'

Magnus sat stunned.

Every time he turned his head another layer of the man in front of him was peeled back and Magnus got to see even deeper in the depths of Alexander. But this… It broke his heart. How old had Alec been when he had given up on his dreams? How much had a mere boy taken before finally breaking? Before closing up so much? Closing up...

'This is what Isabelle was getting at,' Magnus breathed out a sigh.

At the mention of his sister Alec immediately shot to attention: 'What did Izzy say?'

'On the first day that she stayed here, she made a comment. I didn't think much of it at the time, but now…' Magnus pinched the bridge of his nose before continuing: 'I'm sorry, Alexander. I'm putting you in an unfair position.'

'It's alright,' Alec took a deep breath to regain himself.

'How about you take that shower and take as much time as you need to think over the ideas I put forward?' Alec nodded in response. 'I've got to make a few phone calls. I'll be in my bedroom.'

'Thanks, Magnus.' Magnus couldn't understand how Alec could squeeze his shoulder so casually, but he did just that as he got up and disappeared into the bathroom. Magnus was numb and he didn't know how he got to his bedroom, but at some point he found himself sat on his bed, staring at the closed door.

He had thought he could do this. Spill his feelings to Alexander and continue on. Preserving the bubble they had. But this… He had not seen this coming and he wasn't sure what to think or feel. He had not expected an answer, rejection or acceptance, to his feelings when he had spoken the words. He had considered an awkward tension forming at rejection, but that was something they could overcome. In his heart of hearts he hoped that he had been right in seeing the very small signs that Alec returned his feelings and would struggle with acknowledging it. He had even considered Alec possibly questioning his sexuality again as this was to be his first experience with a relationship.

Never had Magnus thought that his feelings would be answered in kind and then rationalised and dismissed. Outright dismissed. Because as far as Alec was concerned there was no choice to be made or discussion to be had. Alec could simply never choose his heart over his head. What's worse, Magnus couldn't even ask him to look into his heart without forcing him to address years of hurt and disappointed hopes.

Looking down at his hands he noticed they were shaking and his vision was blurring. He should have been more careful and at the same time he was happy to have shared his heart. Knowing that Alec, confused and repressed as he was, felt something for him as well, had shattered the last of the walls that Magnus still had standing. And Magnus was left vulnerable and exposed.

Alec's words and his choices were rational, but his motivations… Magnus had become part of Alec's happiness and that was decidedly not rational. It sparked the tiny bit of hope that, maybe, Magnus could restart Alec's heart as Alec had restarted his. He was being selfish, and careless and stupid, but he couldn't let it go… He needed someone to talk to right now.

Before he knew it he had dialed Catarina's number: 'I figured you would be calling me today, Magnus. How was your night out with Alec?' Catarina's cheerful tone was a balm to the soul and Magnus allowed himself to bask in it for a moment as words wouldn't find their way to his mouth yet.

'Magnus? Magnus, what is going on?' Magnus tried to compose himself enough to answer, but couldn't. 'Magnus, did something happen? Are you alright? Is Alec?'

'No,' Magnus finally managed to choke out. 'Yes. Not…' Magnus shook his head and cleared his throat before continuing. 'We're both fine. Everything is just… Everything is messed up, Cat, and I don't know what to do.'

'Tell me what's going on Magnus.'

'I told him, Catarina. I needed to get him to believe me. And he feels the same.'

'That's good, isn't it?'

'He won't risk it.' And before he knew it, it all came tumbling out. His growing feelings for Alec over the last weeks, his siblings account of him, the debt that Alec was in, the possibility that the hit had been on Alec, the thought of losing him, the solutions Magnus had tried to offer and Alec's rejection of them. He didn't mention Alec's mother or any other secrets the man held beyond what was necessary to sketch his character. Catarina just sat and listened, occasionally humming to let him know she was still there. Once he had finally spoken all the words his mind was clearer and he once again had a grip on his emotions.

'I can't let him do this, Catarina. He doesn't deserve this, and I don't either,' Magnus lamented. 'He's had the world on his shoulders since he was a kid. I don't think he's done anything just for himself in years.'

Catarina sighed: 'I don't know him as well as you do, but if what you say about him is true then he is never going to allow himself to have anything he wants.'

'Is it selfish of me to want him to acknowledge those things again, knowing how hard it is going to be to open up and the pain he will have to go through if things go bad again?'

It was quiet for a moment before Catarina replied: 'Maybe. But the same goes for you Magnus. You took a risk, a big one, letting Alec in your life. Opening up, growing to love him and sharing your feelings after having been hurt so many times, that too is a risk. Did you think it was worth it?'

Magnus pondered over it for only a moment before answering: 'Yes. Even if he ends up betraying me now, or breaking my heart I wouldn't trade a single moment to spare me any kind of pain I could possibly experience. But Alec might not agree because he is right; if things fall apart he doesn't just risk himself, but also his siblings.'

Magnus let out a sigh: 'I just… I needed to talk to you, this is so far beyond anything… Madzie is going to be devastated to know he won't fight for her. And Isabelle, she's been so worried over Alec's wellbeing. Even Jace is concerned and none of them know.'

'There is nothing you can do?'

'Not without betraying his trust. The only way I can see anything changing is one of his siblings bringing it out in him. And Alec is never going to forgive me if I tell them anything.' It was quiet for a while.

Magnus was deep in thought when Catarina finally spoke again: 'How's your schedule for this week?'

'I'm working from home most days,' Magnus replied surprised. 'I've got to head in on tuesday and wednesday, possibly on friday as well before the political fundraiser that evening. Why?'

'So, you are busy at home on thursday?'

'Yes. Catarina, what is this about?'

'I'll let you know soon. For now, just try to be there for Alec. He needs to just have a friend around, even if he doesn't know it himself. Show him that no matter what happens, you'll be in his corner. If you believe that, then maybe he'll start to as well.'