Warning, the following chapter contains manipulation, abuse, injury, implied rape, rape-aftermath, anxiety, panic attacks, and self-deprecation. Didn't originally plan for the chapter to turn out like this but here we go. As always take care of yourself and thank you for reading.
He'd been floating there for a long time. There was nothing there, nothing but Thomas, the person he had to protect. He was a silent voice reminding him of what dangers to look out for in his life. He was nothing but that small voice. He did not see on his own, think on his own, move on his own, the only things he could feel was his protective love for Thomas.
But then there was more. It was like waking up for the first time. All of the sensations were too much, too painful for him to correctly interpret. He wasn't experiencing life through only Thomas anymore, but he could still sense Thomas's actions, seeing and feeling the same things if he focused hard enough. He was becoming a separate identity, still wavering in about out of his own consciousness. It was loud and silent. Bright and dark. It was confusing, new, scary. He needed to stay close to Thomas and keep him safe.
Then he finally woke up. He could finally open his eyes and see everything, see what he had become. The world around him was shifting around in a mass of fog. Bits of color formed blurry, incomplete images. Hushed whispers of unfiltered thoughts endlessly echoed out, muffled and mostly indecipherable. Below him the path was cold, shimmering and reflective like a mirror. He finally got a good look at himself. He was a person, much smaller than Thomas, younger even, but he still very much looked like Thomas. There were noticeable differences between them beyond just age. Even at the young age he would still place himself as being, he was smaller than Thomas would have been. He was really small, thin, almost malnourished looking. His skin was unhealthily pale, never having seen the light of day. He looked weak, just like he felt. He didn't know why he was here, he didn't even know where "here" was. All he knew was his job was to protect Thomas and a name he could only assume was his.
He looked around again and saw that up the path was a house, it seemed identical to Thomas's but there was something different about it, something bright, welcoming. He didn't know why but it just felt like Thomas himself, if he went in that house he'd be closer to Thomas. He was drawn towards it, before he knew it he was about to walk up the steps onto the front porch. Then he stopped to think. He didn't know who lived in the house. He already felt so weak after forming, he shouldn't trust a stranger in a strange place. He needed to figure out where he was and what he was doing here. He had no idea how to go about doing that. He needed help, but he still didn't want to disturb the people in that house. It was his only option. He cautiously took another step up the stairs.
"Going up to a strange house without knowing who lives there? Brilliant idea, simply genius."
He whirled around to see a man in a short cape and bowler hat approaching him. He relaxed at first when he noticed the resemblance to Thomas, even looking to be Thomas's correct age. However, he stumbled further away when he saw that the left side of his face was covered in scales, a green snake eye on the same side to match.
"Running away from the person trying to help you? What a kind reaction," the man said, rolling his eyes.
He looked up at the snake man. The scaly person spoke weirdly, it was obvious he didn't mean any of it, it was just sarcasm but it rolled off of his tongue so easily it intrigued him.
"I shouldn't talk to strangers," he replied wearily.
He touched his throat in surprise. Even his voice sounded like that of a child, it shouldn't surprise him, but he had expected to sound at least a bit more like Thomas.
"But I'm not a stranger. I'm a side of Thomas, just like you are. We are one in the same, what is there to not trust?" The man chuckled, drawing closer.
"A side of Thomas?" He asked, perking up curiously.
"Yes, an aspect of his personality, his decision making and reasoning, perhaps even a main core function of his body that is used to maintain a healthy lifestyle," The larger male replied, stepping up to tower over the child. "Now the question is, who are you?"
"I think… I'm pretty sure my name is Virgil," he replied.
"No, no, not your name. Names are only for the light sides, we do not use names. I'm referring to who you are to Thomas, what's your purpose?"
The boy paused a moment pondering over his answer.
"I protect Thomas. I warn him about dangerous stuff and help him get away," Virgil finally answered.
"Ah, so your purpose is to protect Thomas," the snake man said, kneeling down to the boy's level. "I protect Thomas too. Not in the same way as you though. It must be so difficult for you to protect him from outside dangers, there are so many after all."
"Well there are a lot of dangers but as long as Thomas is careful there isn't much I have to do," Virgil chuckled.
"Oh? But even being careful has its limits. You never know what will happen, who you can trust," the man pointed out.
"Well I'm cautious but I'm choosing to trust you. Would you say that is a bad idea?" Virgil asked with a bit more confidence than before.
The snake-like man let out a hearty chuckle as he sat down fully.
"Only time will tell," he replied.
Virgil smiled, assuming it was just another sarcastic and teasing remark.
"So, who exactly are you? Where am I? What is this place?" Virgil asked plopping down cross legged beside the man.
The man looked down at the child's curious gaze and let out a soft snort, leaning back to look out at the swirling void.
"You may call me Deceit. A rather cruel name for my purpose but I suppose fitting. I protect Thomas from himself and cruel truths. As for where you are, you're in Thomas's subconscious. As it was explained to me once a little over ten years ago, we have manifested ourselves into physical bodies only when we become strong enough influences on Thomas's actions that we develop our own identity. Then there is another ranking on how heavily we influence him that determines if we can manifest ourselves in the real world to interact with him, although, he hasn't summoned any of us since he himself was a toddler and his parents convinced him we were only his invisible friends that he needed to grow out of. Seeing as though he is in his freshman year of college, I doubt he'd react kindly to any of us popping up all of the sudden to fix any of his mistakes," The man said, waving his hand around in a lazy and slightly perturbed manner.
"Are there more than the two of us?" Virgil asked curiously.
"No of course not, Thomas only needs the ability to lie and run away," Deceit scoffed.
"Okay, silly question. But who else?" Virgil asked curiously, trying to ignore Deceit's tone.
"Well there are there are two groups the light sides and the dark sides," Deceit started.
"You said the light sides are the ones with names?" Virgil recalled.
Deceit gave a small smile and nod.
"That's right, look who learns quickly," Deceit said messing up the kids hair. "You and I are what is considered a Dark Side. We are the sides that work more behind the scenes than up front. There are four others working with us, Rage, Greed, Vanity, and Remus. Remus is also known as Duke and Creativity but no matter what I say he insists on going by his name, I suppose it is because he used to be part of a light side that went by a name, however that side divided in two and now his brother, the other creativity, is the one in the light sides. He is known as Roman, there is also Morality or Patton and Logic also known as Logan. Then there is Sleep, or Remy, he's neither a light side nor a dark side. As the original side, he simply exists, he doesn't believe in taking sides."
"So who lives here?" Virgil asked, looking up at the house they sat on the steps of.
"The light sides. It's lucky I found you before you tried to go in there. They don't take lightly to anyone who isn't supposed to heavily influence Thomas being in there. Seeing as though your physical form seems to have suffered during your manifestation you wouldn't have stood much of a chance against them," Deceit said, poking at Virgil's thin arms.
Virgil couldn't repress the shiver that ran down his spine as he hugged himself tightly.
"Thank you for helping me," Virgil said.
"No problem, Kid," Deceit replied, standing back up and starting to walk away. "You coming?"
"Kid? Is that what you're going to call me now?" Virgil said, springing up to follow him.
"That was the plan. Although if you keep jumping around like some energetic puppy I might just start calling you Pet," Deceit replied nonchalantly.
"Heh, you're weird," Virgil grinned, catching up to the taller male.
He grabbed onto Deceit's cold hand and looked up at the other side adoringly. He trusted every word he said. The first person to help him, the first person to give him information. A big strong side that seemed to know everything, Virgil had no choice but to trust him.
Virgil silently opened his eyes again, tears flowing down his cheeks as he recalled the dream. He was a child. Of course he trusted Deceit. He knew exactly what to say. He had been so close to safety. If he had been more confident that day, none of his suffering would have ever happened. He could have lived happily with Roman, Patton, and Logan.
Virgil wiped the tears from his eyes. He looked off to his side. All of them had decided to sleep in Virgil's room, something that had become pretty common lately as Patton and Virgil were often waking up with night terrors and flashbacks, needing people there to help them. Patton slept beside him, Logan on Patton's other side, Roman on Virgil's other side. For now it seemed Patton was sleeping soundly just like the other two. He wanted one of the others to give him some attention but according to the clock on his wall it was only three in the morning. He should let the others get some sleep. It wasn't even like he had a bad dream, it was just the fact of what happened after it that upset him.
Virgil curled up onto his side, facing Patton, closing his eyes in an attempt to go to sleep. He drifted back into slumber, this time into a more fretful dream.
Virgil stepped lightly through the house, trying to avoid Deceit seeing him. It'd been several days since he was allowed out of his training and Deceit had left him alone to take a shower with the instructions to get started on his chores once he was done. He wanted to avoid annoying Deceit at any cost right now. He didn't understand why Deceit was so mad in the first place. Virgil had been summoned by Thomas during a panic attack and he ran into the light sides. It wasn't even a long conversation. Roman insulted him and acted distrusting, Logan couldn't care less about his presence, he was just worried about Thomas, and Patton had tried to talk to him a bit and ask him about himself but he got nervous and left before any real conversation could start. Apparently that was still worthy of spending several days being punished by being restrained by all of the dark sides. For now he just wanted to make everyone lunch and pretend none of that ever happened. He chose to make sandwiches and salad as something easy, but as he was gathering the ingredients he heard footsteps approaching.
"Have you properly learned your lesson about talking to them, anxiety?" Deceit asked, slipping into the kitchen.
Virgil bit back a whimper as he nodded, keeping his head low, his ears lay flat against his head underneath the hood of his hoodie.
"Good boy. I'd hate to think I'd have to punish you again when you're normally so good about remembering your training. I hope you'll remember never to leave this place without my permission, ever again," Deceit warned.
"Yes Master, of course, Master. I'm sorry I failed to follow your rules," Virgil replied, keeping his gaze trained on his feet, knowing better than to look Deceit in the eyes.
"Very good, now back to work, Pet," Deceit said leaving the room. "And remember, I see what Thomas sees."
Virgil's legs trembled and collapsed below him when Deceit left, forcing him to quickly grab the counter to avoid making a loud crash worthy of punishment for a different reason. He didn't want to disobey Deceit, he never had wanted to disobey Deceit. He was scared of him, scared of all of them. He never knew when they were watching, then they'd say that something he'd normally do was actually worthy of punishment. Even when he was still being good they'd come up and do as they pleased, making Virgil answer to their beck and call. He couldn't handle them doing any more to him. After what had happened he was still left with the excruciating pain in his hips and back as well as the weak and wobbly feeling of his legs. His injuries stung with an angry fire, long scabs pulling and breaking every time he moved. He knew there was a series of minor burn marks covering his back from when they decided to pour hot candle wax over his injured back there. He wasn't even entirely sure he'd been able to get it all off in the shower. For now all he could do was hide all of his injuries under an oversized hoodie, the zipper pulled up to his chin to cover the bruised ring around his throat where his tight collar had been yanked around by the others.
He didn't want any more injuries. He didn't want to make anyone else mad. He was terrified that he wouldn't be able to keep his promise to Deceit. He hadn't meant to see Thomas he couldn't control being summoned. He could accidentally be summoned again any time Virgil made him too anxious. He couldn't just not make Thomas anxious, the more he focused on that the more anxious he became about keeping Thomas from feeling anxious, then his anxiety is sent to Thomas and everything ends up just being counter productive. It was out of his control. He'd be seen by Thomas and Deceit would know what Thomas saw. He'd be punished again and there was no way to escape it. He didn't want this. He didn't want any of this. He didn't understand why he was the one that had to be hurt all for Deceit's stupid plan.
Virgil hadn't realized he was completely on the ground until the burning in his lungs alerted him that he was currently not breathing properly. Quiet breathy sobs escaped his mouth as tears streamed down his face. He clung to the front of his jacket trying to pull it away from himself, off of his painful injuries without success. He felt like he was dying, he was going to die. Even if he didn't die, Thomas was most likely having a panic attack as well. Virgil could be summoned any second. He didn't want punishment again so soon. He needed to calm down but his nerves were through the roof. His heart was leaping irregularly in his chest and he was convinced his lungs weren't expanding enough to sustain him. Virgil let out quiet whimpers as he felt himself being summoned out into the real world. He couldn't let this happen again. The second Virgil came up he immediately looked around to find Thomas. His host was curled up in his bed, his script discarded by his feet as he let out fast, uneven breaths. Virgil felt badly for him, this was all Virgil's fault for making him feel this way, but he couldn't afford to stop and help him. The light sides would be here soon enough to help aid him. Virgil had to get away before he was seen. He scrambled out of the partially open bedroom door and into the hallway, hiding for their sights.
"Thomas, it's okay, it's okay. You just need to calm down and breathe. We're here to help."
Virgil stiffened when he heard Patton's voice, covering his mouth to muffled his labored breathing. They were so close. If they found him they'd make a big scene out of it and Thomas would know Virgil was here. He was going to be punished again. Deceit was going to hurt him again. He didn't know what to apologize for or who he should apologize to. He didn't know what he had done to deserve this situation, to deserve any of the situations he's been forced into for so long. It seemed as though he were being punished for simply existing. He didn't want to exist. He'd do anything to be able to live in ignorant peace again, far away from everyone who wanted to do him harm. He didn't belong, no one wanted him. He couldn't keep doing this anymore.
"I can't… I'm going to fail. I'm sorry. I can't do it. They don't want me in their show," Thomas whimpered out through his tears and jagged breaths.
Virgil muffled his own sobs. Thomas was interpreting Virgil's feelings as his own. Virgil was making him suffer. He needed to stop this. He was hurting Thomas. He was supposed to protect Thomas. Deceit was right, he was worthless, he deserved to die, to disappear. He was a disease nothing more.
"Logic, I think you'll be better at reasoning through Thomas's concerns, can you take over?" Patton asked, his footsteps heading closer to the door.
"Of course, but where are you going?" Logan asked.
"I need to look for something. Don't worry I'll be right back," Patton replied, slipping out the door and closing it behind him.
Virgil tensed and pressed himself against the wall, trying to escape Patton's eyes. Patton looked down at him through, his kind eyes shining behind his glasses. He knelt down to Virgil's level and the anxious side found himself unable to breath out, gulping in more air until his lungs felt like they would explode. He was scared, he was so scared. Patton was going to hurt him. He was going to tell Thomas Virgil was responsible for all of this and Deceit would find out. His eyes were squeezed closed and tears were still running down to drip off of his trembling jaw. His hands tugged his hoodie further down over his face, desperately trying to hide his ears from Patton. He was bracing himself to be hit but no pain came, instead soft arms wrapped around him pulling him into a hug. It hurt where it touched his hidden injuries but it still felt so nice. It felt warm and safe, not like the normal touches he experienced. He couldn't remember the last time anyone had held him in a non-threatening or purposely painful manner. He was surprised and stiff, still expecting Patton to be faking the tenderness and attack him like Deceit did but he still didn't want to lose this rare feeling.
"Shh, it's okay. Just try to breathe with me. Take a breath and let it out at the same time as me, I know you can do it," Patton said encouragingly, still not yet releasing Virgil, partially forcing him to listen to his heartbeat.
Virgil eagerly accepted the order. He was used to being given orders. This was something normal he could accept even if the touches were strange. He struggled to follow along, breathing in a slow rhythm with Patton until he had stopped crying and feeling like he was going to pass out. Only then did Patton let go of him and shift back to put some distance between the two of them.
"Sorry for touching you without your permission, I just wanted to help," Patton apologized, rubbing his neck sheepishly.
Virgil blinked in surprise, not used to anyone apologizing for touching him, muchless when the touch was mostly harmless.
"It's fine… But why… Why did you help me? Shouldn't you be with Thomas?" Virgil asked, still keeping his knees tucked close to his chest to close himself off from Patton, his hands moving upwards to make sure his hood was still covering his ears.
"Well, I thought I heard crying and I figured Thomas had Roman and Logan so I should go see what's going on," Patton paused a moment to study the hooded man carefully. "You have anxiety yourself, don't you? You aren't intentionally making Thomas feel like this."
Virgil looked away.
"I'm a disease to him. I keep him cautious but I can't help overdoing it," Virgil muttered.
"Hey, hey, don't think like that. It's okay, it's something you need to work on. We can try to understand that. We-" Patton stated before he could hear the others talking in the other room.
"Where do you think Morality went?" Logan asked.
"Probably to find that creepy emo, Anxiety. I swear, how evil can a person be? Can't he see he's making Thomas suffer?" Roman huffed annoyedly, his voice raising in pitch.
"Lower your voice, Creativity. Thomas is just starting to calm down, he does not need you ranting and getting him excited again," Logan scolded.
"Ehhh, maybe just ignore them for the time being. I'm sure they'll change their tune if you just go in and explain it to them. I'm sure they'll understand kiddo, if you want we can try to help you out," Patton said, starting to stand up.
Virgil latched onto Patton's arm to prevent him from leaving. He quickly realized what he had done and recoiled, expecting Patton to get mad at him. Once again no anger came, Patton remained where he was watching Virgil patiently, waiting for him to say something.
"I-I can't. Please don't tell them I was here, especially Thomas. Deceit doesn't like the idea of me being here. We're dark sides, we are supposed to work from behind the scenes unlike you guys. I don't want to disappoint him if he figures out I was here," Virgil said, expertly weaving a half truth to avoid Deceit sensing him lying but also avoid telling the mostly stranger anything too personal.
"Oh… Well, okay. I'm sure that you have friends in the dark side that will help you with your anxiety. If they can't help then as the self-proclaimed dad friend I will adopt you and help you in any way I can. Is that okay?" Patton suggested with the brightest smile Virgil had ever seen.
Virgil's face heated up as he looked at the adorable face. He'd never seen anyone so bright and cheerful. He couldn't even tell if it was actually possible or if it was just another trick, like the kind Deceit liked to pull to play with his emotions. It was impossible for anyone to be this kind to a stranger whose sole purpose nowadays seemed to be making their host's life miserable.
"That sounds nice," Virgil replied hesitantly.
The conversation trailed off into silence and Virgil looked back at the closed door to Thomas's room. The voices in there were quiet. It seemed like Thomas was fine, he didn't sense any of Thomas's nerves inside of him.
"I should leave. I was making lunch before getting summoned here. I should get going before the lettuce starts to wilt," Virgil said, chuckling nervously. "Plus I think Princy in there will have an aneurysm if I keep you much longer."
Patton genuinely laughed at the comment.
"He'll be fine. But if you want to leave then I hope you enjoy your lunch and make sure to take care of yourself, Kiddo. No need to be scared of me. I'll be around if you need me. If you think you're going to have another panic attack and there is no one to help you my door is always open. I love taking care of my kiddos so it's no problem really. You can come over and stay there for as long as you need. Ro can seem a bit scary but he is not all bad and Logan is reasonable, we aren't people to be scared of. Please remember that, okay?" Patton said, lightly taking his hand.
Virgil gave a small smile.
"I'll keep that in mind," Virgil replied before sinking out back into the dark side.
He rose back up in the quiet kitchen, the ingredients still exactly where he set them when Deceit had come in. It seemed he made it out of that incident unscathed thanks to Morality. He didn't know anyone had the capacity to be so kind. It could have been an act but it didn't feel like that. Perhaps that was the reason Deceit was so against him meeting the light sides. It was because they actually were kind people that likely would have accepted him when he first arrived, before Deceit tainted him. He supposed it was just another expected betrayal. He knew the others wouldn't accept him now and he would feel too guilty to accept Patton's offer for help but still, it was a nice thought. A safe place with gentle people. It was too much to hope for. Even still the corners of his lips couldn't help but twitch upward as the cold empty void in his chest started to feel just a bit warmer.
Virgil woke up again, blinking in the growing light. He let out a long sigh as he curled in on himself.
"You awake, Kitten?"
Virgil looked up to see Patton's tired but smiling face looking down at him. His expression had only ever grown more compassionate and loving since the first time they met. Virgil uncurled his body and brought himself up so he was partially on top of Patton.
"Can I have some cuddles and maybe pets?" Virgil asked shyly as his ears and tail formed.
"Of course, Baby," Patton replied, hugging Virgil loosely on his chest, rubbing his hands up and down his clothed back. "Are you feeling alright? You sounded a bit distressed in your sleep."
Virgil gave a nod as he relaxed comfortably against Patton. His soothing warm hands traveled around giving him loving attention, staying clear of any of his overly sensitive spots to avoid making him uncomfortable. Patton kept his voice quiet to avoid waking the others as he spoke to Virgil, reminding him of how wonderful he was.
"Thank you Patton," Virgil whispered.
"No problem Kitten, I love to spoil you any chance I get," Patton chirped cheerfully.
Virgil shook his head.
"The first time we properly met, thank you for being the first one to make me feel warm again," Virgil continued.
Patton's arms tightened around Virgil and he could feel them trembling.
"You deserve all of the warmth and love we can give. You should have always had it. I'm sorry it took so long to give it to you," Patton said, burying his face in Virgil's hair.
Virgil slipped his hands under Patton's shoulders and held him. He was feeling a bit emotional after having two emotionally charged dreams but he was going to be okay and when the others woke up, he knew they'd make sure he felt even better.