« Alright » I said to the twelve men who had been foolish enough to stay with me « lets move our tents near Aizu troops. Staying isolated here doesn't have any point. »
We all got to work and settled our tents further near the Aizu encampment, and I went to meet with the commander in place to put my corp under his command. He thanked me genuinely for staying, calling me a true samurai. Although it was only duty who dictated my actions and that I wasn't considering myself « better » than the ones who chose to leave, it did warm my heart. It had been a long time anyone called me a samurai. My efforts were finally rewarded with recognition. I felt elated, probably in the same way Kondou-san did when he got his daimyo title that he craved for for so long.
After a meeting about the strategy to defend Wakamatsu town, I reunited with my men. The ambiance was lively. It's funny how men ready to die are always more joyful than the ones who haven't made peace with themselves yet. They were playing dice with playful banters and I went to my tent to grab several bottles of sake for us to share. I figured I wasn't going to be the only one to need courage for what was to come.
« Confiscated bottles » I explained « from the ones who didn't respect the one-cup-a-day rule. I have more bottles than men left. Will you help me ? »
They laughed and nodded and I served cups to everyone.
« Thank you, Taichô ! » said one of them.
« I think the Taichô title isn't really necessary anymore. » I said calmly « we are all in the same boat. Call me Saito if you may and I will also call you by your name. »
« Hai, Saito-san ! » he nodded « I'm Ikeda, Taichô, Ikeda Shichisaburo. »
« You were in Kyoto with us, Ikeda ? » I asked, eager to know more about the men that I would trust with my life the next day.
« I joined last year, Saito-san. » he nodded « I was in Inoue-Kumichô's unit. I was there at your wedding but you may not recall... »
« I'm sorry I do not, Ikeda-kun. » I said with regret « How old are you ? »
« Eighteen, Taichô. » he replied.
« Saito. » I corrected.
I thought he looked young. But anyway, I killed at eighteen myself and joined the Rōshigumi at nineteen. I asked for each of their names. Most of them were older than I was, only Ikeda was that young. A part of myself wanted to send him to Hijikata-san but he made his choice for himself. We emptied three bottles together in a lively atmosphere. Being rid of my Taichô title was somehow liberating and I really got to know them, treating them my equals. I wouldn't force anyone to follow me, I wouldn't go after deserters if they chose to leave. They weren't « my » men anymore but comrades and brothers in arms. When the last drop of sake was drank, I stood up again.
« I'll go get another bottle. » I said calmly.
« No, please, Saito-san, allow me. » said Keisuke and he ran to my tent to get it for me.
I didn't even have time to oppose. I trusted Keisuke and he went to fetch things in my tent countless times but now that I decided to treat them all as equals, it was a bit embarrassing that he was still so obedient. I guess habits were hard to get rid of. He showed up with another bottle and we shared it together. Ikeda was already completely drunk and so was Yoshida. Kumebe and Shimura helped them back to their tents and Kumebe came back afterwards to keep drinking with us. He also brought some rice porridge to everyone, saying that we shouldn't drink that much with an empty stomach. It reminded me how Harada could be scolding Toudou back in Kyoto and one thought leading to another, I remembered him dancing with his giant scar turned into a face, Nagakura and Toudou rolling on the floor laughing and Souji smirking, making snides comments about how Harada wasn't even capable to kill himself properly and was a failure in every way. And Kondou-san smiling and laughing... even Hijikata-san would trade his trademark frowning face for a smile in these occasions...
Now only Toudou and Hijikata-san were still standing and I sincerely hoped they would find in Ezo what they were looking for, let it be victory or a honorable death.
And Chizuru...
I emptied another cup of sake. I needed to focus on my duty towards the Aizu domain instead than on her absence. Amagiri would bring her to Yase, the baby was due for November. I still had time to finish my duty here and join her in time, respecting my promise to be there this time. Then, if the child were to have crimson eyes, I would protect him myself. I killed Kazama already and I was ready to kill all the Yase clan if they decided to touch a single hair of my child's head. I smiled when I thought that if the baby could wait until late November, there would be a chance for it to come out for our wedding anniversary. Wouldn't that be wonderful ? Our love and oaths embodied in our child ? I shook my head. I let my thoughts carry me away again. I needed to focus back to the matter at hand. The Aizu, the war. Yet, I knew deep inside me that my heart wasn't at the point of my sword anymore. It was traveling to Kyoto with her. Could she sense it ? Could she feel its presence by her side ?
I emptied another cup of sake and told the men they should go and rest. A fierce day of battle was awaiting us tomorrow. They obeyed even if it wasn't a direct order and I also went back to my empty tent. I sat in seiza and meditated for a time to find sleep. Unfortunately, I slept during daytime and without the supply of Chizuru's blood, sleeping at night was a lot more difficult. After a while, I decided to take a walk and find a spot to look at the stars. I found Keisuke still around the firecamp, alone, and I changed my mind and joined him. He was reading a letter and I asked about it, curious.
« I received it a long time ago » he laughed « but I still reread it sometimes. I must be foolish. »
« Who is it from ? » I asked, hoping I wasn't intruding.
« My wife. » he smiled « haven't seen her in years. She still lives in our village near Yokohama. She sent it to me when I was with the imperial army to inform me that she found a good husband for our daughter and asking me if I opposed it. She must have married him now, my little Yua. Sometimes, I feel a bit sad I wasn't there for the ceremony. He seems to be a good man. He doesn't have any parents anymore so he will look after my wife as well. That relieves me, I have no son to look after her. » he explained with his eyes focused on the letter « ah ! Sorry Taichô ! I must be bothering you ! »
« Not at all. » I said calmly. « It is only natural to be concerned about your family. »
« I'm glad they are safe, Tai... Saito-san. » he nodded « what an era to live in... »
« Indeed... » I nodded in return.
« Since I came back to the Shinsengumi, I haven't received any letters. I'm not sure if it is because I betrayed or if they don't know where to write me to... So I treasure this one, because it's the only one I have. »
« Why are you staying, Keisuke ? If you want to get back to your wife, I won't oppose. »
« I'd rather stay here, Taichô. » he said « As a warrior, my duty is to fight for you. »
« I am not your Taichô anymore, Keisuke. You owe me nothing. » I said.
« Maybe. But my heart commands me to fight for you. I didn't stay for Aizu. »
« I know. » I stated « you are an imperialist after all. Although you seem to always take the worst choices for your path. »
« You may be right » he laughed.
« Why didn't you stay with Miki, Keisuke ? You quitted the Shinsengumi for its political affiliation. »
« It is true my beliefs are those of the Choshu and Satsuma and I recognize my beliefs in the Sonno Joi. Yet, being in the imperial army seemed wrong to me. I am a bushi, Taichô. My sword is a part of me. The way the SatCho fights cannot echo in me. It is contradictory, really, to fight to expel the western yet use their weapons to win the war. I found victory in the Imperial Army's ranks yet, I haven't found honor. I served you with proudness in the past and I am proud to serve you now. It is you who I follow, Taichô, and I will do so until the end. »
I stayed silent, completely moved by his words. Having so much loyalty from this man I considered as a brother was unexpected yet heartwarming.
He looked up at the sky and smiled, addressing me again.
« I remember Tetsuya, Taichô, and Nobuo, Katsunoshin, Tairô, Jirô, Sanjurô... I sometimes feel like the third division was my family more than my actual one. »
« You do ? » I asked, surprised.
« My marriage was an omiai. I respect my wife and she is a good one. She provided me with an obedient daughter and she takes care of my house and my money, yet I never loved her. I never had the chance you had to marry someone I loved like Yukimura-kun, pardon me, Saito-sensei, I was lost in memories... »
« It's alright, Keisuke. » I said with a small smile.
It was true that I was a lucky man, married to the woman I loved more than anything...
« When lucky as you are, a man shouldn't die Taichô. » he blurted out of the blue « maybe you should be the one getting back to your family. »
I stayed silent. Chizuru, Toudou... now Keisuke... It seemed like everyone was wanting me to quit. Why would my personal life mattered more to them than the greatness of our cause ? I couldn't understand. Or maybe I could but I didn't want to. If I started thinking about it, it would draw blurred lines in my loyalty and I couldn't allow this.
« I do not intend to die, Keisuke. » I said « and I will come back to them. I just want to see the end of this war in Aizu and fight according to my principles. »
« I understand, Saito-san. » he nodded « and I will ensure that you live. Because you are the only one I could possibly imagine giving my life for. »
« I'm not asking this from you. »
« I know. »
He stood up and tidied himself before he bowed to me.
« I shall go to bed if I want to be effective tomorrow. Good night, Saito-san. »
« Good night, Keisuke. » I nodded in return and he went away.
I stayed alone several minutes with my gaze focused on the dancing flames before me. I would not throw myself back into unnecessary danger like back at Bonari Pass. I would survive and see the fall of Aizu with my own two eyes and I will get back to my loved ones and meet my child.
Wait for me Chizuru. I will soon join you. I am not choosing death.