Sasuke's No Good Very Bad Teammates
Summary: Naruto and Sakura have gone insane.
Or: Just after becoming Team 7 Naruto and Sakura go through a massive shift in personality, leaving Sasuke out of the loop and wondering what in the name of sanity could have happened to them. His only consolation is that Kakashi is just as weirded out as he is.
Chapter 31
"... You want to go where to do what?"
"It'll be fun!" Naruto beamed at their teacher. "We've been there before–"
"For like a day until Naruto decided she'd seen enough snow to last her a lifetime," Sakura muttered.
" – but this time we're here for a reason! A really important, really good reason that'll definitely make it worth it to stalk through a frozen wasteland for a couple of days."
"... Are you sure the samurai won't mind us breaching their territory for ice skating?"
The samurai did mind them breaching their territory for ice skating. Sasuke made a note that the Land of Iron was one of the places with less than hospitable locals that they shouldn't visit unless given a very good, not-ice-skating-related reason.
"... I thought it was Naruto's turn?"
Sasuke gave Kakashi a look as he prepared the ingredients he was going to need to make dinner.
Further away, Naruto commandeered their cooking equipment even though all three of them ought to know better by now.
A grand total of ten minutes later Kakashi used his authority as a teacher to ban Naruto from even looking at another piece of cooking equipment. Sasuke found it somewhat unfair that after all he'd tried to get her to stop, a strict glance from Kakashi was all it took.
Kakashi had gotten around the Five Nations in his years as a jōnin. Pursuing mission objectives wasn't the same as visiting its most gorgeous places just for the sake of it.
"It's beautiful," he admitted after they'd reached Sakura's favorite niche of the Land of Rivers: a small meadow at the center of a forest with a view on twin waterfalls.
Kakashi's restlessness upon leaving the village hadn't gone by unnoticed. Now – after a week without contact with Konoha – he started to finally relax.
"Kakashi-sensei? What's wrong?"
"... You knocked him out."
"Yeah? He was our bounty?"
"It took you less than a minute."
"So? You already knew we were strong."
"That... was an A-ranked level criminal."
"I know. Next time we'll pick something actually worth our time."
"Remind me again why we agreed to this?" Sakura wheezed, kicking at a pebble and mustering a tired frown.
Sasuke took another step, cursing his overenthusiastic teammate and the sun shining directly into his eyes.
"Because it's fun!" Naruto turned without halting her steps, facing them and scaling the mountain backwards. "We've never been hiking before."
"I can't imagine why," Kakashi muttered. He raised his head and sighed. The mountain peak still looked miles away.
"You burned it, Sasuke!"
"You got in the way."
"In the– Did you have to practice that lightning thing out in the open?"
"It's called the Chido–"
"I know what it's called! You almost took off my head! Do you know how long it takes to grow out hair?"
"You're wearing a Henge, anyway."
"It's not the same! You owe me a haircut."
Kakashi gave him a nod of approval once Naruto's back was turned – acknowledgement of the technique he'd mastered, Sasuke was sure, not for what he'd done to Naruto's hair.
Of course they weren't still mad about the excruciating mountain hike she'd dragged them on. Seeing her leap out of the way with a shriek hadn't filled Sasuke with satisfaction at all.
"Hold still, Sasuke! You're making it all blurry."
"Get that thing out of the frame!" Sakura rolled her eyes. "You don't even know how to use it, why do you want to – Naruto!"
Kakashi had given up on the illusion of having any authority over them. "... Please don't wave any pointy things around. This vest is new."
"Why are we even taking a picture?" Sasuke grumbled. "Kakashi-sensei's here now."
"So? He's gotta have new ones to put in his album when we come back. Now hold still, I'm gonna–"
Sasuke hadn't been sure about Kakashi joining them on their travels permanently. He cared about their teacher – and he could tell that Kakashi cared about them. A lot. But after months of travelling without adult supervision, he couldn't help but feel apprehensive about their dynamic being shaken to its very core.
He needn't have worried. During the first few weeks of their journey, Kakashi didn't try to take charge of them even once. They trained together, traveled together and he followed their lead – while Kakashi had more experience being a shinobi, he couldn't best Team 7 in terms of sheer travel experience.
"Have you ever been to Take before?"
Sakura paused. "I don't think so. Why?"
"I spent a few days there once. It was... nice." Kakashi hesitated. "I always thought it would have been great to stay for longer."
Without a mission objective hanging over him, forcing him to return as soon as he'd finished what was asked of him.
A smile spread on Naruto's face. It was the first time Kakashi had made a suggestion for their travelling destination. "Sure, we can take a look! It's only a few days from here."
With every passing day, Kakashi felt less like an addition and more like a member of their team. Sasuke started to forget what it had been like without him.
"So," Naruto started, breaking the comfortable silence around the campfire. "Do you guys think Konoha has a new Hokage yet?"
"They might." Sakura took a piece of wood from the pile they'd prepared earlier and tossed it into the fire. Sparks shot up into the evening sky and blended together with the stars. "I think they would've wanted to take care of it quickly."
"If they found someone willing," Sasuke muttered.
There was a pause.
Kakashi was sprawled out in front of the fire, looking thoughtful but relaxed. He hadn't at the start; in stark contrast to Sasuke and his teammates, life as an almost missing nin hadn't come easy to him. Sasuke supposed that being only genin, they'd simply never gotten to know the responsibility Kakashi had as a jōnin. The responsibility he'd been able to shake off, now that he was with them.
"Do you want to check?" Kakashi asked, sounding neither thrilled nor apprehensive at the prospect.
"It should have been long enough for them to figure something out," Sakura said.
Naruto shrugged. "If not, we'll just make a run for it and wait some more."
They took their time on the journey back. They felt no rush to return to the village, and every minute they spent away from it was an additional minute Konoha could use to sort out the village leadership before it became Team 7's problem.
Naruto volunteered to sneak inside and scout out the situation while the rest of them waited at the front gates.
"He's taking a while," Sakura pointed out after three decently-sized rocks had fallen victim to her boredom and the guards stationed at the village gates offered them a tentative wave of greeting.
(Kakashi gave a small wave in return. Neither Sasuke's team nor the guards made attempts to approach one-another, and they spent the next few minutes coexisting in an odd blend of peacefulness and awkwardness.)
"Should we go after him?" Kakashi said in a tone that suggested he wasn't thrilled about having to bail his student out from confinement in his own home village.
Sakura hummed. "Not yet. If he needs help, he'll–"
"There he comes."
"Nevermind."
Naruto walked straight out of the village gates instead of sneaking out the way he'd sneaked in. Sasuke decided to take this as a good sign and assume that there was no danger of any of his team being captured for a forceful Hokage inauguration.
Naruto looked rather pale for someone no longer in danger of a compulsory leadership position.
"Um," he started once he was slightly closer than yelling distance. "So. Here's the thing."
"... What."
"Who is Hokage?!"
Sakura gaped at Naruto in incredulity. Kakashi cast a wistful gaze to the skies as though contemplating his life and all the choices that had led him here.
"How could this have happened?"
"Oh Sage." Sakura's face paled in a look of horrified realization. "It makes sense."
"What?! How does this make sense?"
"Think about it. Sarutobi was Konoha's third Hokage. Whose student was he?"
Naruto stared at her. "What does this have to do with–"
"Tobirama's," Kakashi interrupted. "The second Hokage."
"And who took over after Sarutobi?"
"... My dad."
"Exactly," Sakura said. "Tobirama taught Sarutobi and he became Hokage. Sarutobi taught Jiraiya, who taught your dad and he became Hokage. So, who's the last loyal Konoha nin who was taught by one of Sarutobi's students and is also currently in Konoha?"
There was a pregnant silence.
"B-But!" Naruto sputtered. "But it's Anko! Since when has she had any motivation to become Hokage?"
"And who's supposed to take over after her?" Sakura asked. "The teacher-student line ends with her."
"Right," Naruto said. "About that."
Neji wore a lavender tunic that complemented Anko's hair color and had developed a liking for poisonous kunai and senbon. He followed in Anko's footsteps as though memorizing her every movement, up to and including the confident stride in which she walked.
"Shouldn't she be wearing the Hokage robes?" Sasuke asked, noting her casual (and far more practical) clothing.
"She should be sitting in the Hokage's office, too," Sakura murmured.
Sasuke found it likely that nobody had had the courage to point out these details to Anko. Her way of running the village seemed a far more hands-on, direct method than pushing around paper work in a dusty office all day.
While a shinobi did his utmost best of informing Anko of the danger the former Root shinobi were to the rest of the village, Anko was thoroughly engulfed in sharpening her kunai.
"It has become quite clear that the Root shinobi are responsible for–"
Shrrrnk.
"... For... For a wide variety of..."
Shrrrnk.
"... They're making the villagers nervous with their–"
Anko examined her weapon and gave it a slow, appraising lick.
The shinobi swallowed. "... I-I..."
"I haven't received reports of villagers being harmed by former Root operatives," Anko said. "Has something changed?"
"I– No, but–"
Her head perked up cheerfully. "Great! You have my utmost gratitude for delivering the good news."
"But–"
"That is what you were here for. Right?" Anko's smile widened. "Otherwise your visit would have been quite pointless. You weren't wasting my time, were you?"
The shinobi paled. "N-No. Of course not."
Anko held her smile. "'Of course not'... what?"
He blinked at her, uncomprehending. Neji stepped forward with narrowed eyes, one hand resting on the handle of his blade.
The shinobi's eyes widened. "O-Of course– Of course not, Hokage-sama!"
"There we go." Anko leaned back carelessly, the anticipation bleeding out of her frame. "Now scram."
She didn't need to ask twice.
Kakashi took the opportunity to step forward and draw attention to their presence. "... Anko. I see you've been... enjoying yourself."
"Kakashi." Anko's gaze slid past Kakashi to settle on Sasuke and his teammates. She grinned. "I guess I've got you to thank for it."
Next to him, Naruto winced. Seeing as they'd played part in scaring off other potential Hokage candidates, Sasuke was willing to shoulder some of the blame – although he was definitely more innocent than his ridiculous team. Served them right.
"... So. Hokage, huh?" Naruto's eyes swayed over to Neji. "Neji. Congrats! I heard you were–"
"Anko-sensei's apprentice." Neji brushed a non-existent wrinkle out of his robes. A storage scroll dangled from his belt, rustling with untold contents.
"How does that work, anyway? I thought you were Gai's student?"
Anko shrugged. "We're sharing."
"Wait," Naruto said, "you can do that?"
"And your clan is alright with it?" Sakura asked.
"What are they gonna do?" Anko said. "Take it on with the village leader?"
Anko looked rather smug. It made Sasuke wonder how many poor, clueless Hyūga clan members had tried to put a stop to Neji's extended apprenticeship before giving up and bowing to Anko's whims.
"Hokage-sama." A messenger materialized at a respectful distance. "You're scheduled to give a speech to the current graduation class." He glanced at Team 7. "However, I can see that you have company. If you prefer, I could send for a stand-in–"
"No need." Anko smiled sweetly. "I've been looking forward to blowing something up. It's been far too quiet lately."
The messenger closed his eyes, his hope snuffed out like a barely lit ember.
Team 7 watched her go in various shades of disbelief, resignation and sober acceptance.
"What have we done," Kakashi muttered, looking after Anko with thinly veiled horror.
Naruto winced guiltily. "Look on the bright side. We're safe – there's no way she's gonna give up the hat anytime soon."
They all turned back to the rapidly shrinking form of Konoha's fifth Hokage. Naruto didn't manage to suppress a shudder.
A/N: Many of you voted/guessed who should become the next Hokage. Here's the total number of votes:
1. Anko: 28
2. Gai: 25
3: Yamato: 12
Shikaku: 4, Itachi: 4, Iruka: 3, Neji: 3, InoShikaCho: 2, Orochimaru: 2, Kisame: 2, Sai: 1, Obito: 1, Ebisu: 1, Konohamaru: 1
Special shout-out to the two reviewers who said the (older) InoShikaCho squad should straight up share the hat. Another shout-out to the two who nominated Orochimaru, reasoning that he couldn't do any damage anyway seeing as he was practically comatose.
Thank you for reading! :D There's only one chapter left!
~Gwen