Lincoln led me through the woodland in quiet reflection and I enjoyed his quiet company. He had been better at encouraging the truth out of my jumbled feelings than I would ever have anticipated and under his guidance I'd been learning to maintain control of my anger. He'd shared the stories of grounder history that he was taught as a child and explained the principles of their culture in simple terms. I practiced mindfulness to unpick my thoughts when I felt overwhelmed and we discussed moral dilemmas to understand the decision making process and priorities for a grounder.
"You remember when we met?" Lincoln's even voice pulled me from my thoughts and I glanced up to find him observing me closely. I nodded with confusion and he maintained his calm expression. "I remember listening to you scold Bellamy and thinking that you had fire in you. I was not wrong." He commented with the hint of a smile on his lips and I chuckled under my breath.
"I didn't realise that you could understand us then. I'm embarrassed that you heard me lay into him like that." I remarked with a bashful smile as my steps crunched in the grass and I reflected on how ordinary it seemed for him to live among us now. Though once he was an enemy, he had become a treasured friend and it was bizarre to even consider him through the view that I once had. He inspired me to believe that there was still hope for change.
"It earned my respect, standing up to your leader. I understood that you and Octavia were strong in your morals and unafraid to speak your minds. I knew that you were good for her." He confessed and I squirmed on the spot as I recalled the situation differently. Whilst he had been pleased that Octavia had me around for protection, I knew at the time that I was fearful of his presence around her.
"Not strong enough in my morals to suggest releasing you. Octavia was the one who pushed for that. If we hadn't been dealing with the chaos over the nuts that day, I don't know if I would have helped her." I admitted as I avoided his gaze in shame and he simply hummed thoughtfully.
"That was wise, I was a risk." He confirmed and I peeked back up at him with surprise. "I was a captive of your people, an enemy who stole your friend. Yet you showed me compassion and kindness. That is who you are." He stated with a tone as if this were an obvious fact and I sighed deeply. It shocked me that Lincoln viewed me this way, despite the brutality that he had witnessed among our people and I struggled to compare this image to the one that I held of myself.
"Perhaps it was once, but I've done terrible things since then. I don't know that I would have that same kindness now." I mumbled and he studied me with a certainty that I wished I could feel for myself.
"We have all done terrible things to survive. That doesn't define you." He asserted and I grumbled under my breath. "You must learn to use your feelings for judgement and motivation, to be able to call on them when needed but not be ruled by them. Your feelings are your guide and yours have led you this far. You must trust them." He advised with a wisdom that was far beyond his years in a manner that seemed to be inherited from generations of hard learned lessons and I nodded slowly as I absorbed his words.
"You make it sound easy." I sighed as I considered the simplicity of his advice and he smiled back at me fondly. In truth, I envied the way that he was able to take large concepts and break them down into easily digestible pieces. In my mind every issue was a suffocating mess of it's own and it was impossible to separate decisions from emotions.
"Keep practicing. You are getting better." He confirmed as he approached the gates to camp. We'd developed a peaceful bond over our time together and I found that I had a renewed appreciation for his care of Octavia. I could fully understand now how he had become such a stabilising factor in her life and I was pleased that he had nurtured her strength. She had developed the parts of her personality that were necessary for survival here and it was an enormous relief to be able to trust her to protect herself nowadays.
We entered the camp and entered into our usual routine of sparring with assistance from Octavia, whilst they continually tried to provoke me into emotion driven attacks. Though I still felt that I required a great deal of practice on this, I was maintaining my sensible attacks more often than not and there hadn't been outbursts outside of training since we began the new approach. Things were back to normal between Bellamy and I, and I had even managed to endure a second scavenging trip to Mount Weather without an incident afterwards.
I wiped the sweat from my brow and took the opportunity to catch my breath as our session drew to a close. Octavia and Lincoln smiled fondly at me as they waited to one side and I raised a brow at them in suspicion. She looked to him as if confirming the answer to an unspoken question and once he nodded, she stepped forward with a serious expression.
"You're ready." She stated with pride in her voice and I took a sharp intake of breath. "I still don't know if Indra will want to train another Skaikru but I'm willing to ask. You're already better than I was when she trained me, maybe she'll take a liking to you." She elaborated in a surprising revelation and I smiled at her gratefully. "So, are you ready for real grounder training? You'll be away from home a lot and I can promise you that it won't be easy, but if it helps you like it did me, it'll give you purpose." She presented her case without any deception and I absorbed the information with a critical attitude. She waited eagerly for an answer and I nodded without hesitation.
"I'm sure. I need to be more than a scared, angry kid from the Ark." I asserted as I reminded myself why I began this journey and she broke into a wide smile, before pulling me into a hug that caught me off guard. She kept me wrapped in her arms for a while and I could sense the pride and support flowing from her in the silence. When she stepped back, she left her hands on my shoulders in a fond gesture.
"We'll leave tomorrow morning. Get things wrapped up here. Let me know if you need any help with Bellamy, I know how he can be." She instructed in a even manner with a brow cocked at me and I gulped nervously.
"Yeah, that's not going to be fun. If I don't turn up to meet, assume he's got me captive and that I need rescue." I mentioned jokingly but there was a hint of seriousness in my words and she shook her head at me.
As I took the nerve wracking step into our quarters, I felt as if I might vomit from anxiety and found Bellamy pouring over some rough maps of the area. Thus far he had been quite relaxed at the idea of my increased training, happy to support anything that would help me but I knew that the idea of me leaving for an unspecified amount of time was likely to bring out the worst of his protective behaviour. I took a deep breath as I approached him and leaned against the surface that he was working on.
"Hey, you look busy." I commented idly and he turned his attention to me with a fond smile that made my stomach lurch with anticipation. He seemed relaxed by my presence and I couldn't prevent the guilt at the idea that I was about to shatter that.
"Kane's asked me to look over some plans, start dividing the area into sectors." He explained with an expression that revealed his non appreciation for the task and a genuine smile broke through my expression. I pushed his hair back from his face with a lingering brush of his cheekbone and he leaned into my touch eagerly as he often did whenever I reached for him.
"That sounds exhilarating." I drawled with a playful smile and he chuckled, filling my chest with butterflies at the sound.
"It's not. How was training?" He asked with an innocent interest and I felt my heart skip a beat. I knew that I couldn't avoid the conversation forever and struggled to think how I would begin to explain my predicament. Over my time with Bellamy I'd learned that how I presented things to him had as much impact as the actual suggestion itself and wondered how I could reveal my intentions without immediately setting him on the defensive.
"It was good, Octavia thinks that I've come a long way." I relayed and his smile was genuinely prideful as he nodded at me in a way that indicated he agreed with this opinion, despite never having actually seen me fight. "I actually feel that I'm ready to take it a little further." I added in a carefully casual way and the moment that the words left my mouth, he tensed against me. I decided to blurt out my explanation before I could change my mind. "Tavi says she'll take me to Indra and ask her to train me like she did for her. I'd be gone for a while but-"
"What?!" His voice sharply cut through my rambling causing me to flinch and he stared up at me with a powerful disbelief. "You want to leave? I thought you were scared of me walking out one day, now you're gonna do it instead?" He accused me with a level of hurt in his voice that caught me off guard despite my expectations and I gulped down the guilt that threatened to destroy all of the justifications that were bouncing around in my mind.
"Bel, it's not like that." I sighed as I struggled to organise my thoughts and he scoffed under his breath.
"Then what is it like? Cause it sounds to me like you want to run off to play grounder when I could just as easily teach you to fight here, where we need you. Where I need you." He hissed and furrowed my brows at his tone. A few moments of tense silence passed whilst he stared at me expectantly and I considered how to explain my situation without revealing anything that would only make him more protective.
"I'm not running off. I know that you think you need me in the guard, but I'm a loose canon right now. I need to learn under a leader who is willing to do what is necessary to survive on Earth, but who can also bring me into line. My sessions with Octavia and Lincoln have been helping a lot, learning more about the grounders and the way that they adapt from their experiences helps me to feel in control. It gives me guidance on what is reasonable action for survival and stops me from feeling so vulnerable." I explained and he shuffled on the spot, crossing his arms in frustration. "The things that happened in Mount Weather haunt me, they're turning me into someone that I don't want to be. Indra can teach me to channel that into something stronger, like she did with Tavi. Is there anyone else here that can do that for me?" I presented my case calmly whilst Bellamy continued to scowl at me and I knew that guiding him toward understanding this decision would be almost impossible.
"I know that you're hurting, but you can't possibly think that leaving is the answer?" He rebutted with almost no change to his tone or mannerisms and I sighed in disappointment. It was challenging to think of a way to put my feelings into something he could understand and that would reach past his fear of abandonment.
"It wouldn't be permanent, I'd come back to check on everyone often. I just need to feel like I can protect myself against whatever comes at us next without spiralling into the next Murphy." I reasoned in an even voice in an effort to calm the conversation and he furrowed his brows at me.
"And you think the grounders can do that better than your own people? You haven't seen the way they do things, it's insane." He argued as he moved his hands to his hips in a stubborn movement that usually indicated he was digging his heels in and I shuffled awkwardly on the spot.
"After Clarke's alliance, maybe it doesn't have to be us and them anymore? They survived here against all odds, without the technology or medical knowledge that we have. If you ask me, they are the experts on Earth and the only people that can teach me to survive when all of our benefits are stripped away, when it's just me against an enemy. That's what I need, to be able to fight in any situation and to know that I can trust myself to be in control of my actions. I need this." I tried to keep my tone even and calm as I justified my thought process but Bellamy still seemed to grow in his frustration. He moved to pace around the room, rubbing the back of his neck and taking several sharp, angry breaths as he decided on his next words. I waited in nervous silence, fiddling with my hands and when he stopped to face me, I felt my heart skip a beat.
"So, you're just going to leave us, all of the people who have supported you and fought beside you to train with the people who left us for dead at Mount Weather?" He confirmed with his hands on his hips and a scrutinising expression that made me wish I could disappear into the ground. When he worded it this way, I could understand his reaction and I realised that our time apart had shaped our opinions for the future of our people into opposite standpoints. Although I was tempted to surrender and remain by his side, I felt in my gut that proving this could be done was the most efficient way to guide him to understand my side.
"If that's what I need to do to be able to protect all of you the next time that something tries to kill us, yes." I answered firmly, despite the shaking of my hands and Bellamy grimaced at my words. I knew this would be difficult and my entire heart cried out at the pain of the confrontation, but I couldn't allow myself to be controlled by my emotions. As Lincoln had taught me, I had to follow my instincts and currently they advised me to lead by example. Several moments of heavy silence passed and I had to swallow the fear that gripped me as the tension only grew between us.
"When are you leaving?" He suddenly interrogated with a cold tone and his gaze fixed to the ground in rebellion.
"In the morning." I muttered with a lump rising in my throat and he shook his head in disbelief. He leaned over to snatch up his jacket and strode toward the door with a temper to his movements. "Where are you going?" I probed but he didn't even glance back at me as he moved and the gap between us felt like a rift that seemed to be swallowing all of the warmth that usually filled the space.
"Don't wait up." He called over his shoulder as he stormed from the room and left me biting my lip to hold back tears.
During the night, I was convinced that I had felt him return to bed but when I woke alone in the morning, I wondered if I had imagined it to comfort myself. There was a pit of dread in my stomach as I gathered my things from the room that I knew I would need to take with me and couldn't deny that I was hurt that Bellamy hadn't returned to clear the air before I left. I checked in with my dear friends to let them know that I'd likely be gone for a while and was relieved to find that they were all understanding of my needs, even if they didn't agree with my plan. Knox seemed the most concerned as he expressed that he found it strange for me to leave camp with only Octavia, but he wished me well regardless. I collected my dagger and pistol from the armoury and having exhausted all options to kill time in the hope that Bellamy might show up, I decided to head towards the courtyard.
Octavia waited with the horses and Lincoln assisted her in preparing them for the journey. I glanced around at the camp in a moment of doubt, before steeling myself to leave for the unknown. Just as I was about to approach them, Bellamy strode toward me with a pitiful expression and I tried to deny the sharp stab of pain in my chest at the sight of him.
"I'm glad I caught you." He breathed in relief as he approached and I shrugged in a passive aggressive manner, unwilling to be the first to extend pleasantries. "I'm sorry about last night. I was hurt and I lashed out, I didn't listen to your side." He started, sliding his hands into his pockets in an awkward gesture and I felt some of the tension between us dissipate immediately. "I really don't want you to go. I want you to be here where I can keep you safe, but I understand that I can't make you stay. Are you...are you sure that you want to do this?" He seemed genuinely conflicted as he viewed me and I gradually softened my face. The raw emotion that radiated from him reached through my upset and instead I was struck with an appreciation of the growth in him to allow me to make this decision for myself without ordering anyone to lock me in camp, as he'd so frequently done to Octavia when we first arrived on Earth.
"I'm honestly not sure, I don't know if it will help. All I know is that I have to try." I answered honestly and he nodded slowly as he processed my words. I waited with baited breath for his response and prayed that we could manage a peaceful parting.
"Alright. Well, if you're going to be away from camp, do me a favour and take this." He requested, sliding out a walkie talkie from his pocket and holding it out to me. "I know that you're trying to do this whole grounder lifestyle thing, but it would make everything a lot easier if I could hear your voice, check you're okay." He explained in a mature attitude that was a pleasant discovery and I smiled sympathetically at him. "They're the long range ones, so if you're ever in trouble, no matter what it is, just call and I'll come running." He confirmed with a subtle hint of worry in his face and I took it from him reluctantly.
"Are you even allowed to give me this?" I investigated with a concerned expression and he gave me a wry smile. My gut lurched for a second as I feared that he'd stolen yet another item for me that could result in a punishment for him and I cursed his reckless nature.
"Had to do some serious bargaining for that to go missing, took me all morning." He divulged with a wink and I smiled despite my annoyance. "It'll be fine, don't worry. I'd rather know you're safe." He confirmed as if reading my mind and I shook my head at him in exasperation, but accepted the compromise.
"I'll come back as often as I can get away with. I promise, I'm not running away." I expressed with a meaningful look up into his face and he stepped closer to place his hands on my arms protectively.
"I know Love. Please, be careful." He muttered desperately as his handsome features contorted into thinly veiled terror and I nodded slowly.
"I'm always careful." I quipped in an effort to lighten the mood and he laughed lightly. "Don't do anything stupid whilst I'm not here to be your impulse control." I winked in an only partially humorous comment and he smirked confidently, before drawing me into a lingering kiss that felt hauntingly like a goodbye.
- O - O - O - O - O -
"She is the size of a child."
Indra's first words were unexpected, but as she assessed me with a growing disapproval, I was far too intimidated to argue. She was everything that I expected of a grounder leader and more. She towered over me with tattoos and scars that made mine look mild and her expressions were enough to freeze me to the spot in terror. I was glad that Octavia had maintained a way to contact her despite the tense situation between them and our people, but found myself wondering if it had been wise to summon her for this particular request.
"What is your name, girl?" She spoke in a manner that sounded accusatory rather than like a question and I was relieved that we had spent so much time studying Trig now as she grilled me in her native tongue.
"I'm Indigo Kom Skaikru." I answered in what I hoped to be a confident tone as Indra stared at me with an intensity that felt as if she were looking into the depths of my soul. Octavia's descriptions of her had not prepared me for the harsh reality of her presence and I questioned whether she had been as intimidated by her when they first met. Perhaps her time as her second had erased the memory of her first impression.
"And why do you wish to learn our ways, Indigo Kom Skaikru?" Indra probed as she maintained her fierce demeanour and I had to remind myself not to show weakness. I considered my answer carefully, as if it were a test that I could not afford to fail.
"I want to survive, your people have survived Earth. Mine are naive. I need to be stronger." I revealed and I noticed the slightest hint of a smile for a moment as I insulted our people. She glanced back at Octavia, who watched us with an amusement dancing in her eyes and seemed to be enjoying our interaction.
"You taught her well, she almost speaks like us." Indra commented in a low voice, before returning her attention to thoroughly scanning me from head to toe and I struggled not to squirm under the intensity of her gaze. "I cannot teach you. I am needed by the commander and we do not allow Skaikru to join our ranks lightly. You would not be accepted by Trikru after Octavia's actions at the mountain." She stated firmly with a brief glare thrown toward her and I fought to keep the disappointment from my face.
"Indra, this is important to me. I proved myself to you before, please allow her the chance to do the same." Octavia appealed despite the verbal attack that had just been aimed a ther and I was surprised that she had the confidence to argue with the woman who seemed as if she were braced to beat her at any given moment.
"You ask for too much, girl." Indra snapped and Octavia sighed in frustration. A few moments of tense silence passed as I contemplated my options, feeling disheartened at the idea of returning to camp empty handed. "None of the 12 clans respect the ceasefire with Skaikru, they would not train someone they consider the enemy. There is only one other who might value potential over clan, but you would need to prove that you are worthy of her time. Can you do this, goufa gona (child warrior)?" She interrogated with the full force of her glare and I nodded slowly in return.
"How do we find them?" Octavia enquired without a moment of doubt in Indra's suggestion and I slowly released a breath that I didn't realise I had been holding when she turned her attention to her.
"Only I can signal her. I will take you, do not fall behind." Indra ordered and we quickly gathered our things to follow her as she climbed onto a horse. I felt my mind racing over the unpredictability of this plan as she led us through the woods and when I glanced over to Octavia nervously, she simply smiled with a calm confidence. If she trusted Indra, I knew that I should too and silently remembered the importance of following orders.