"Hey, Greg?"

"Yeah, Vince?"

"Where's Delphine taking us?"

"It's Daphne," Daphne stresses. "Not Delphine! And you're Vince, and he's Greg! How the hell do you two not manage to keep anyone's names straight?"

Greg and Vince shrug. "Where are we going?"

"The stupid convention," Daphne responds blithely. "You two are the star attractions."

Greg and Vince grin and continue to follow her. They round a corner and come upon a gathering of people.

"Hey!" Hermione complains. "What are you doing here?"

"Uh, we were invited," Daphne points out.

"By who?" Hermione asks angrily.

Daphne shrugs. "Beats me. I got the invitation out of his hair." She points at Greg, who nods and smiles proudly.

"Neville!" Hermione curses.

"Oh well," Blaise says cheerily. "The more the merrier."

Millicent gives him a Look. "Really, Blaise? You really want these two tagging along?"

"Well, I mean, it's not like we can just leave Neville behind," Blaise says. "And if he comes, these two are going to come."

"So can I go back to bed then?" Daphne asks.

"Nope!" Blaise says, grinning. "You're involved now, no going back!"

"Great," Daphne says sourly.

It's at that point that a pudgy blonde comes around the opposite corner.

"Yo yo, bitches!" Neville says cockily. "I'm here, we can get the party started now!"

"Good," Millicent says. "Neville's here now, is that everyone?"

"Yeah," Blaise says. "Let's get going."

"Not so fast!" two voices loudly declare.

As the gathered students watch, Ron and Draco come around the corner, breathing heavily.

"Ha!" they both yell. "We knew something was going on!"

The six adventurers and Daphne all look at each other.

"Crabbe. Goyle," Neville says commandingly.

"Yeah?" they both respond.

"Get 'em."

The giant duo don't have to be told twice as they advance on Ron and Draco.

"Whoa!" Draco yells, scared. "Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! You guys don't wanna hurt me!"

"Uh, yeah we do," Greg says. "Draco told us so."

"No he didn't!" Draco says. "I'm Draco!"

"No you're not," Vince says. "He's Draco."

"No, I'm Draco!" Draco protests.

The duo look at him, puzzled.

"I don't think so," Vince says. "Draco's blonde."

"Yeah, your hair's white," Greg agrees.

"And besides, Draco's in Slytherin," Vince says. "You're in Gryffindor."

Draco points at Neville. "I thought you said he was Draco!"

"Yeah," Greg agrees. "Draco is Draco."

"But he's in Gryffindor!" Draco protests.

"No," Greg says. "He's pretending to be in Gryffindor."

"Yeah," Vince agrees. "Draco would never get sorted into Gryffindor."

"But I did!" Draco protests. "And he did! And he's not even me!"

"Uh, yeah," Greg points out. "Because he's in Slytherin."

"THEN WHY IS HE A GRYFFINDOR?" Draco screeches.

"Because he's spying," Vince says.

"SPYING ON WHAT?" Draco continues to screech. "WHAT COULD HE POSSIBLY HOPE TO FIND IN GRYFFINDOR?"

Millicent stares them down. "Really. You two, who have been sticking your noses into everyone's business, especially in Gryffindor, wonder why anyone would do that."

"NEVILLE!" Draco howls. "CALL THEM OFF! CALL THEM OFF!"

"Who's Neville?" Neville asks.

"YOU ARE!" Draco and Ron yell.

Neville shrugs. "They don't seem to think so."

Greg pounds his fist into his palm. "It's clobbering time."

"What's a clobbering?" Vince asks.

"I think he makes shoes," Greg says.

"But I thought a clobbler was a pie," Vince says.

"Maybe it's a pie made out of shoes."

"A shoe pie?"

"Can our shoes make a pie?"

"I dunno. What do shoes taste like?"

"I think like feet."

"But what do feet taste like?"

"I dunno. Hey Draco!"

"What?" Draco and Neville both snap.

"What's the taste of defeat?" Greg asks.

"That's not important," Hermione says. "Now pound them!"

"Yeah!" Neville agrees. "Pound their asses!"

"No!" Ron interrupts. "Don't pound our asses!"

"It's ass-pounding time!" Greg declares.

"Yeah! We're gonna pound your asses!" Vince agrees.

"So hard!" Greg confirms.

"Your asses will never be the same after we're done pounding them!"

"But I don't want my ass pounded!" Ron whines.

"Yeah!" Draco agrees. "Don't pound his ass!"

"Too late!" Neville says gleefully. "You're in for the ass-pounding of a lifetime!"

"Ohhhh myyyy," a voice says.

Everybody stops and looks at the source of the voice.

"I'm sorry," Blaise says, "but uh, who are you?"

"Oh, I'm the ghost of George Takei," the ghost of George Takei says.

Millicent frowns. "But George Takei's not dead yet."

The ghost of George Takei waves her off. "I'm from the future."

"...that makes even less sense than usual," Hermione points out.

The ghost of George Takei sighs. "Can we just get to the ass-pounding, please?"

"What's this about an ass-pounding?" a familiar voice asks.

"OH COME ON!" Hermione complains. "IS EVERYONE JUST GOING TO SHOW UP FOR THIS?"

It's at that point that Professor Binns floats in.

"Hey hey, assholes, it's everyone's favorite professor." He blinks. "George? What the fuck are you doing here?"

"I heard there was an ass-pounding," the ghost of George Takei explains.

Professor Binns surveys the students before frowning and turning to the ghost of George Takei.

"George," he says seriously. "They're eleven."

The ghost of George Takei's jaw drops.

"Ohhhh," he says. "Bye."

And with that, the ghosts of George Takei and Professor Binns float off.

"Well," Blaise finally says. "If there are no more interruptions–"

"I have an interruption!" Hermione interrupts. "Professor. Squirrel. WHY ARE YOU HERE?"

Professor Squirrel scratches his neck. "Doing rounds. Catching students. Taking a dook on Filch's doorstep. You know, the usual."

The students gape at him. Squirrel's hand wanders down towards his chest.

"I'm sorry," Neville says, perfectly calm and polite. "Did you just say you took a dook on Filch's doorstep?"

"Yeah," Squirrel says.

"YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!" Blaise erupts. "YOU FUCKING, FUCKING ASSHOLE!"

Squirrel looks confused.

"Yeah!" Hermione agrees. "He busts his hump to keep this school clean, and you repay him by pinching a loaf on his welcome mat?"

"That's BULLSHIT!" Millicent agrees. "WHY would you do something so, so, so SHITHEADED?"

"YOU'RE A REAL PRICK, YOU KNOW THAT?" Blaise adds. "A REAL, REAL PRICK!"

"AND you're a crappy professor!" Ron intercedes.

"That too!" Neville agrees. "The fuck's wrong with you?"

"Dipshit!"

"Douchebag!"

"Cockmonger!"

"Scoundrel!"

"Anal fistula!"

"Dickface!"

"Shitrooster!"

"Hey!" Squirrel complains. "When you gotta go, you gotta go!"

"NOT ON SOMEONE'S DOORSTEP!" Blaise yells. "THAT'S BASIC HUMAN DECENCY!"

Professor Squirrel scratches his arm. "Oh. Okay. So what are you all up to?"

"None of your business!" Ron spits.

"Oh," Professor Squirrel says. He stares off into the distance for a few seconds. "Well, if it's nothing important, I suppose I can just send you all to bed."

Everybody gapes at him.

"Did he just suddenly turn smart?" Millicent asks, flabbergasted.

"No," Blaise says, shaking his head in disbelief. "No, no it can't be. He just got lucky or something."

"You know what? Screw it," Draco says, stepping past Greg and Vince. "You can come along, professor. After all, we need a chaperone if we're going to do...whatever it is we're doing."

"Are you NUTS?" Hermione asks angrily. "You can't just–"

"Sure," Professor Squirrel says, scratching his neck. "I'll come along."