Synchronized Heartbeats

Written By: TCOOKIES777

Chapter 43: Suffocation

"No, it's not her injuries—or at least I don't think that's what it's about. She won't tell me what happened exactly, but I think the accident is more serious than she lets on." Rin peered into the pot of soup still simmering on the stove, pressing the phone against his ear with his shoulder as he stirred the food. "Mom, it's not that… I told you, I don't know! Gou stays in her room all day and every time I try to do something fun with her, she just says she's too tired. She sleeps for more than half the day and lies in bed for the rest…. Well, of course she's stressed. I get that, but... How can I help cheer her up if she'll barely even eat anything I cook for her?

"No, I…" He took a moment to pinch the bridge of his nose. "Mom, I don't think it's her menstruation… Look, just come home as soon as you can, okay? Maybe you can help her more than I can… Yeah, I know. Okay, bye."

Rin let out a long sigh the moment the call ended. He rubbed a hand down his face, wiping away the worry lines creasing his forehead these days. In the background, the clock on the wall ticked aloud. The house was uncomfortably silent nowadays, leaving Rin alone to his thoughts and concerns which were filled with nothing but his sister.

After what had happened, he found himself avoiding her as much as she was avoiding him. The days passed in an agonizingly slow crawl. He hadn't even had the motivation to go out for his daily morning jogs, too concerned for what would happen to his sister the moment he stepped out of the house and leave her by her lonesome.

Last night, he'd finally attempted to apologize for his actions the other day, but Gou had shut him down by hiding under the cover of her blanket. He understood that she was still exhausted from the accident. And he knew it wasn't a lie every time she ended his attempt at a conversation with, 'I'm tired', because the dark circles under her eyes were clear proof of that.

He recognized the symptoms of depression, but Rin had no idea how to help her. And he hated himself for that. For feeling so powerless when it was his responsibility to care for her.

He glanced down at his hands. But how can I help her when I can't even help myself?

Watching his hands begin to tremble, he squeezed them into fists.

"Was that Okaa-san?"

"Shit!" He jolted, spinning towards his sister who leaned against the kitchen threshold. She didn't need crutches anymore, but it wasn't often that she left the confines of her room either. "You scared me, Gou."

She crossed her arms, the bags under her eyes emphasizing the dark expression of her face. "You talked to Okaa-san about me? What did you say?"

"Nothing much." Rin turned back to the pot on the stove, wondering if she'd been crying recently since her eyes were red again. "You hungry? The soup is about ready if you—"

"What did you tell her?"

His grip tightened on the ladle. "I told her that you do nothing but sleep all day. You hardly eat. You won't talk to me. The few times I do see you, I see you staring at the wall or into the distance like you're stuck in your thoughts, but you won't tell me anything. And I…" Throwing down the ladle, Rin turned to his sister. "And I want to help you, Gou, but you won't let me!"

"So you asked her to help me?" She hissed.

"Maybe she can help you in ways I can't," Rin explained. "She's still our mom."

"I haven't had a mom take care of me since Otou-san died!" Gou took a step into the kitchen, one hand still on the doorframe with a bone-white grip. "But you wouldn't know since you were off in Australia or training with your friends. You wouldn't know that it was I who took care of myself all these years alone. Not you—and certainly not that woman I live with!"

"You… You think I don't know that it's my fault you were left alone?" He chuckled dryly. "I know Mom has to work all those hours to pay for my swimming and tuition. I know that because of her work she never had time for you. I know that you had to raise yourself all this time, and I am sorry, Gou. But if you're going to blame anyone for that, then blame me—not Mom."

"It's so easy for you to defend that woman because of what she does for you!"

"Because of what she does for the both of us! Who puts the food on the table? Who gives us a roof over our heads? Pays for our school fees? Gives us lunch money? Who gives us these opportunities, Gou? That woman who lives with you in this house works herself to the bone every day to give us these opportunities. She's our mom," Rin sighed, "and she cares about you too, Gou."

His sister watched him, and then she asked slowly, "And you? What do you care?"

Rin blinked at her, shocked by the question and the venom in those words. "I'm your brother. I care!"

"So you care because you're my brother?" asked Gou. "Or you care because you care?"

"What does that even mean?!"

"Never mind," she said, upper lip curling in contempt, "I think I already know the answer."

"What are you—hey!" Rin moved to follow after her as she spun on her heel to retreat upstairs. He paused, cursing as he remembered to turn off the stove first. "Gou, wait! Just talk to me!"

But she ignored him, hurrying up the stairs and walking swiftly to her room. When she tried to close the door, Rin shot a hand out to block it and she stepped back from him.

"Please just talk to me," Rin said, stopping when he realized she was stumbling away from him as if he were an intruder. Her shrewd gaze only made him feel worse and he lowered his eyes to the baggy sweater she wore, concealing the fading bruises on her ribs. "I'm not going to hurt you, Gou."

So please don't look at me like that.

"Did you…" She balled her hands, pretty face scrunching up as if she were in pain all over again. "Did you f-fuck me because I'm your little sister? Or did you fuck me because you love me?"

He frowned. "What? What.. What kind of question is that?"

"Well, which is it?!"

She was shaking all over, eyes wide with either fear or anger—possibly both. But it was her strange questions that bothered Rin. So he took a step forward, slowly raising a hand towards her in the hopes that he might get her to sit on the bed and relax. "Gou, calm down."

She shuffled back, bumping into her desk and shaking her head at him. "It's a simple question," Gou murmured, letting a tear race free down her cheek. "It's a simple question and… and you can't even answer it. You don't know why you fucked me. You just wanted to."

"That's not true!" Rin tried to say, but she didn't seem to be hearing him.

"I guess I was just some… some sex doll for you, huh?" She began to pace side to side. "Because I'm your little sister so you thought it would be so easy for you to manipulate me. Was it really that easy for you? To get in your little sister's panties? I can't believe I thought…. I thought you actually love me the way I love you."

"I do love you. I love you more than you know, Gou. I love you as a man loves a woman." He reached out to her but she smacked his hand. No, no, no. What's happening?

"No, you don't!" She gripped at her hair, glassy gaze staring at the floor.

"I do!" Rin insisted. "I do love you!"

"Stop lying to me!"

"I'm not lying!"

"You are!" She screeched through a fresh wave of tears, delicate hands gripping the edge of her desk so tightly. "You're a liar! You always say you have to do this or that for me as my big brother!" Her hands twisted and picked at the hard corner of the desk, the sharp edge digging against the reddening flesh. She didn't seem to notice as she continued rambling in hysterics. "You don't see me as a woman. I'll always be just your little sister… You don't love me!"

"Stop it, you're hurting yourself," Rin grabbed at her hand but she suddenly flung herself at him, sobbing and beating her small fists against his solid chest. There was a loud bang as the lamp on the desk tumbled and rolled before crashing to the floor. He pulled her away from it, but she tried to pull back in return. "Gou, stop it!"

He wrapped his arms around to restrain her and grunted as she struggled against him. She was all soft, and warm, and so small and frail compared to his large and dominating stature. Rin tried to be gentle with her, but he was all muscle and no fat.

Her wails began to fill the room, but Rin didn't let go as he tugged her towards the bed where they fell onto together. Gou squirmed and whined against the tight lock of his arms for what felt like hours. The entire time, he whispered, "Shhh", into her ear or murmured, "It's all right" every time her whimpers grew too loud.

It did nothing to calm her down. She continued to squirm against his chest like a child in the midst of a tantrum.

"Liar! You're a liar! Liar! Liar! Liar!" Gou sobbed out, soaking the pillow with her wet cheek. "I… I hate you!"

Rin didn't say anything to that. Not because he had nothing to say, but because he knew she didn't really mean it.

… Right?

The ache in his chest had returned.

He continued to hold her in his arms, nose digging into the heat of her neck as he listened to her sobs gradually die out. The scent of strawberries, as well as sweat and tears, flooded his lungs. He didn't dare move or loosen his hold, even when his sister finally went slack against him. It was only when the sound of her gentle snores filled the room did Rin raise his head to check her. Gou had fallen asleep, the remains of her tears sitting like crystals on her lashes. He slowly let go of her only so that he could sweep the hair from her face and brush a thumb across a wet cheek.

"I… I do love you," Rin mumbled close to her ear. He leaned in and kissed his sister's cheek, tasting the salt on his lips. "I love you more than you'll ever know, Gou."

He sat up, slowly so as to not wake her. But even in deep sleep, she still seemed to lack peace as her plump lips formed a pout. Rin watched her for a while, stroking her temple before finally giving in the urge to kiss that pout away. His lips were gentle on hers for the few seconds he kissed her before pulling back. His gaze drifted away and landed on her wrist, and he paused, frowning at the strange mark peeking from beneath the edge of her sleeve.

Carefully, Rin tugged the sleeve back, his frown deepening at the sight of the raised lines marring the inside of her forearm. He counted five of them. Fresh and two—almost three—inches long. These aren't scratches, Rin realized. The lines were too uniform. Organized.

Dread filled his veins like ice water.

She's… cutting herself?

Was that what she'd been doing in her room this past week since the hospital? And she'd been doing it right under his nose this whole time.

He felt like a failure of a brother.

Thankfully, the cuts weren't deep enough to have drawn any blood or leave a scar. But she'd done just enough to leave thin raised welts that would last for a few days.

Rin shook his head, pressing his lips to the small cuts as he considered Gou's sleeping face. "Why are you doing this?" he murmured against her wrist.

Asleep, she said nothing.

Rin sighed, setting her arm down to go to the bathroom. He returned shortly, carrying gauze and ointment for her arm. He worked delicately, eyes sometimes flitting back to her face as he applied the ointment and then wrapped her arm.

When Gou awoke from her nap, she found her arm bandaged and no sign of her brother.

.

.

.

"And that's pretty much what happened," Rin dipped a french fry into the small pool of ketchup but didn't eat it. "I don't know what to do anymore."

"Rin-senpai, I thought you called me here because you wanted to catch up. Not because you need help understanding girls," Nitori pouted at him across the booth of the restaurant.

Rin winced at that. "Sorry, Ai, but you're the only one back from vacation and I thought you might know a thing or two."

"I don't even have any siblings or a girlfriend. I probably know less than you about girls."

He knew that, of course, but he didn't think it would hurt to try at least. He just needed an extra opinion on this and the kohai was one of his closest friends. It would have made more sense to ask someone like Tachibana, but the Iwatobi swimmer had siblings who were only a third of Gou's age. Seijuro Mikoshiba's younger brother was about Gou's age, but Momo was a guy. Besides, Rin didn't think he could consult with either Mikoshiba brother on the matter of girls. Especially not about Gou.

"Well, if your sister isn't PMSing," Nitori tapped a finger against his chin in thought, "then maybe it's PTSD?"

"PTSD?"

"You said Gou wouldn't tell you much about the accident, right? Maybe she's suffering from emotional trauma? The stress of a near-death experience must be triggering all these emotions you said she's going through," Nitori explained. "Depression, bursts of anger, issues with sleep, the way she's avoiding you…"

"You're sure it's PTSD?" asked Rin.

"My uncle got into a car accident a few years ago. He was kind of traumatized for a few months." Nitori shrugged, taking a sip of his soda. "It's a normal reaction when you're under that kind of stress. I think your sister just needs some time."

"But a few months?" Rin muttered. "I don't have that much time…"

"Ah, that's right! You're leaving for America… hm, when did you say?"

"At the end of January," He rubbed at his temples, feeling a headache begin to come on. "But… I don't want to leave Gou like this."

"Eh? Rin-senpai, don't tell me…" Nitori leaned forward, light blue eyes bright with surprise and concern. "You're not seriously thinking of staying? But Bob Bowman personally recruited you! Getting scouted and by someone like him… that's a chance you can't throw away!"

"I… I'm not saying I'm turning down the contract," Rin stammered. "Besides, I already accepted it. But it just doesn't sit right with me to leave Gou when she needs me most. I'm her big brother. I'm supposed to take care of her."

"Ah, but from what you told me, it doesn't seem like you're able to do much for her anyway."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Rin grumbled, feeling even worse as a brother now that someone else pointed out how useless he was.

"I mean…" Nitori scratched his cheek, seemingly thinking of a way to explain to his senpai without insulting him further. "She doesn't seem to have that many women in her life, right? Your mom is always absent because of work, and Gou is always surrounded by boys because of the swim club. So maybe she doesn't need a brother exactly, but a girl?"

"Like her friend, Hanamura?"

"Yeah! A girl friend to take her out and have some fun with. Not an overprotective brother constantly looming over her shoulder."

"I'm not overprotective," Rin frowned. "And I don't loom over her shoulder."

He couldn't help that he was tall anyway.

"Sure you don't… And you don't cock block guys like Momo-kun when they hit on your sister either..."

"Exact—" Rin stopped and glared at Nitori who was already smirking at him.

"Rin-senpai, you need to open your eyes and see that Gou already has her big girl pants on. Haven't you seen those coming-of-age films?" Nitori shook his head, wagging a french fry in front of Rin's face. "Girls her age find their big brothers annoying. Those days when your little sister idolized and looked up to you, or even wanted to marry you, are long gone now."

Those words only made Rin deflate even more, but he knew there was some truth to it. Gou was certainly no longer the little girl he remembered her to be back then. But it was so easy to recall memories of her round face plump with baby fat and blushing with smiles and laughter. Memories of her hanging off their father's arm like the scrawny monkey she'd been. The way she'd insist on following him and Sousuke around when they were kids. Those innocent days were long gone now.

But why did things have to become so complicated too?

"Gou is getting too old for you to keep holding her hand, Senpai. At her age, it's all about boys, dating, make up and… all girl stuff." Nitori sighed with a smile, "It's the springtime of her youth! When love strikes the moment she meets eyes with the chosen boy! What are you going to do when the day comes that she has sex for the first time? Or when she gets married? Has her first child? You can't hold your sister's hand for things like that."

Fuck yeah I can! Well, at least the sex part…

"Of course you can't help her at that age, Senpai. What she needs is her girl friend. Someone who can relate to her girl to girl."

"I guess…" Running a hand through his hair, Rin exhaled in frustration. "But what if it's something she can't even tell her best friend about? What if it's something too personal even between girls?"

"Like what?"

"Like…" Rin scratched at his stubble, finding a sudden interest in his coffee. Like incest. "Stuff…"

"It was just a car accident, right? What could be personal about that?" Nitori gasped. "Or maybe it wasn't an accident! Maybe the driver is a crazy stalker who fell in love with your sister at first sight since she's really cute, but he knew he couldn't have her so he decided that no man could have her either, and so he tried to run her over and planned to kill himself later like a murder-suicide! Oh, it must be—"

"Bullshit," Rin sighed in a show of exasperation. "Geez, how many crime shows have you been watching?"

"Just one, but there are twelve seasons and—"

"Ai, your conspiracies aren't helping."

"Aw, Rin-senpai!" But the younger swimmer stopped when he saw Rin was not as amused. "Fine, then that means there's nothing else to it! The accident was really just that; an accident. That's all. No personal meaning or anything—nada! So no worries!"

"But I still don't get why she was out with Sousuke?"

"Senpai, you're not asking why she can't be out with him. The three of you are childhood friends, right? Gou hanging out with Yamazaki-senpai wouldn't be that unusual."

Nitori was right, but something still didn't sit right with Rin. He just didn't know what. But he knew Gou, and he knew that something was seriously off with her. It didn't help that Sousuke refused to tell him anything other than what Gou had already shared.

"Ah, but maybe there's something going on between those two."

"Eh?" Rin looked sharply to his kohai who was now smirking. "Gou and… Sousuke? Th-That's ridiculous!" He tried to laugh it off, but for some reason all that came out was a weak, awkward chuckle. He shook his head, "No, that's fucking ridiculous."

"But during the school festival about two years ago, remember we had that water gun fight with everyone? Well, I shot your sister so I could get Momo-kun, and Gou's uniform got all wet because of me," Nitori rubbed his chin as he recalled the events of that day, ignoring the glare Rin was giving him now. "Yamazaki-senpai got really mad at me for what I did to her and I remember he lent your sister his jacket to cover herself with. They seemed really friendly with each other."

"They're just friends. Childhood friends," Rin muttered, slouching over his uneaten burger. "That's all…"

"Rin-senpai, that's exactly my point!" Nitori had that excited look again as he contemplated whatever fantasies were racing in his head. "Childhood-friends-to-lovers is a popular cliché in romance! A boy and a girl who have known each other all their lives and suddenly grown up and falling in love together but they don't know how to deal with these new feelings… It's popular because everyone loves it!"

"And it's cliché because it's stupid," grumbled Rin.

"But don't you think Yamazaki-senpai and Gou would make a cute couple?"

"No way!" He slammed his hands against the table, both their trays of food jumping from the force of the action. The silence snapped him from his blind rage and Rin stiffened under the irritated stares of the other customers, prompting him to collapse back into his seat.

Sousuke and Gou? No fucking way! Even though the guy was his best friend since forever, that didn't exempt him from the number one rule between men: hands off the little sister. Just the thought of Sousuke holding hands with Gou, kissing her, making love to her… That role is mine, Rin thought, feeling that ugly monster of jealousy rear its head back.

Besides, Gou loves me, Rin reminded himself. I know she does.

'I… I hate you!'

Her words echoed painfully loud in his mind, but he tried to shake it off.

She's just stressed right now...

His hand began to ache and Rin realized he'd been gripping his fork so tight that the metal dug painfully into his palm. Releasing it, he met Nitori's understanding gaze.

"Rin-senpai, you always worry needlessly over your little sister." His kohai smiled wryly. "Do you remember that time you thought Gou was dating a boy? She was going out with someone every Sunday and you thought it was a boyfriend—"

"Because Gou's still in highschool! Dating a guy at that age is unthinkable!" Rin shouted automatically, catching himself too late when he remembered again that they were in a restaurant. Face reddening, he slid down his seat even though it was pointless with his tall height.

Nitori merely laughed. "You said the same thing last time, Senpai!"

"B-Because my Gou would never do that!" Rin sputtered. Besides, she likes me.

But did that make it suddenly okay for her to date as long as it was with him? Even though he said it was unthinkable for his sister to date in highschool, she'd already had sex with him. Rin wanted to say that it was okay that she'd had sex at such a young age because he was her brother, and he loved her and wanted only the best for her. That was his own reason, but he was well aware of the true answer…

I'm a fucking hypocrite, Rin thought even as he repeated once more, "Gou is too young to date."

"Well, you never know!" Nitori shrugged, still smiling. "Nobody can help that your sister's so cute. She's probably already broken more hearts than she realizes."

"Good!" Rin scoffed. Keep on breaking them.

"Senpai, you get so worked up about her." Nitori laughed again. "We stalked her one Sunday because you couldn't bear the thought of her with a boy. Turns out Gou was just hanging with a girl friend to buy a Christmas gift for you!"

The red of his cheeks continued to deepen with heat and embarrassment as Rin vividly recalled that day. He never even told Gou of such a thing and probably would take that secret to his grave. "S-So?"

"Sooo," Nitori drawled out, "you're probably getting worked up over nothing again. Just give your sister some space and time. It's nothing to cancel your contract over." Seeing his senpai still hesitate, Nitori sighed and stole a french fry from Rin's plate. "You know that girl friend we saw that day? The one with Gou?"

"Hanamura?" Rin asked, pulling his plate away when the younger swimmer tried to steal a second fry.

"Mm! If she's home, then you should have her visit Gou. She might just be the one to cheer your sister up. So stop your worrying, Senpai!"

Rin exhaled, poking at his uneaten hamburger. "Yeah, I guess you're right…"

What he really worried about was the long-term. Hanamura could stay and keep Gou company and happy for as long as she could, but once she had to go home, then what? Would his sister just forgive him without even telling him what she was so mad at him for? He already apologized for missing their long-awaited Christmas date, so he guessed there was something more serious to it, but what?

"Senpai, you're worrying about your sister again!" Nitori called him out. "Keep scowling like that and you'll have the face of an old, angry man by the time you go to the Olympics!"

Rin grunted. Suddenly, a french fry hit his cheek and he glared at his friend. "Aiii…!"

"There's the senpai I know," Nitori gave him a cheeky smile that Rin couldn't help but respond back with a grin of his own.

"Then enough about me… how is it like being captain of the swim team?" Rin asked, wanting to catch up with his former teammate just like he'd mentioned earlier. "I hear Samezuka won the relay last season. Good job."

"Thanks, Senpai, but…" Nitori slumped forward with a face of defeat. "A captain is supposed to be the most respectable position on the team, right? So, is it normal for the captain to be teased by his team?"

"Hah?"

"I take that as a 'no' then." Straightening himself, Nitori raised a fist and said with renewed energy, "But I won't let them intimidate me!"

Rin smirked at the way his friend swelled with a confidence the boy had lacked the very first time they met. "Now there's the Ai I know."

Even though he'd called to meet Ai for advice, Rin was glad the conversation turned to swimming and competitions. At least swimming was a matter he could understand and share tips in rather than the other way around. It had felt strange to rely on someone—especially a younger person—to consult with, but Rin really didn't know anyone else he could turn to. Haru was definitely the last person he could turn to for help regarding girls. Under normal circumstances, Rin would have gone to his dad for advice, but… Well, if only the dead could speak.

Pops, what would you have done?

Probably not have started a relationship with your own little sister, Rin thought grudgingly for a moment before returning his attention to Ai who was rambling about a new member who also enjoyed the Porny Heaven books.

Gou stroked the soft cotton of the gauze that covered her arm. The cuts had never hurt in the first place, and she supposed she hadn't made the wound deep enough for the pain to last. Her mistake. Now she felt even more numb.

Turning onto her back, she grabbed Rin-chan and hugged the stuffed shark as she glared at the ceiling. Why did I say all those things to Onii-chan?

It had been an accident… mostly. But those words had been born from a rage that flickered to life the moment she came downstairs and accidentally heard Rin on the phone with their mom. Their mom who had absolutely no damn business in the affairs of her and Rin. She was hardly there for her kids since their father passed. Why did her brother think their mom could afford the time to be there for them now?

"Onii-chan is an idiot…" Gou mumbled, hugging Rin-chan tightly for a moment before suddenly throwing the stuffed animal across the room.

The moment the shark hit the floor, regret filled Gou and she stretched a hand towards Rin-chan. But she was too tired to get out of bed, so she gave up just as quickly. Turning on her side, she closed her eyes to get some sleep. But then the tears welled up once more and she pressed her cheek to the pillow to stifle her sniffles. Her hand drifted to the bandaged arm, picking at the gauze with the urge to scratch her cuts and feel the pain. Not too much pain, but just enough to make her feel something.

Knock! Knock!

Gou paused.

Knock! Knock! Knock!

She ignored it, staring at the door and hoping her brother would go away, afraid that she would end up saying something to him that she would regret.

A few beats later, the knocking came again just as Gou had closed her eyes to sleep. Frustrated, she swung her legs off the bed and moved to open the door. Her frown melted away as her best friend grinned back at her.

"H-Hana… chan?"

"Gou!" Chigusa squealed, tackling her with a hug before pulling back just as quickly. "Ah, your ribs! Sorry!"

"Hana-chan, what are you doing here?" Gou glanced out the hallway for any sign of her brother before closing the door. Turning to her best friend, she watched Chigusa make herself at home, settling herself on the floor. Gou was too befuddled by the unexpected appearance of her friend to do anything about it. "Weren't you and your family staying at your grandparents' vacation house?"

"I just returned home this morning. Geez, I thought you'd be happy to see me!"

"But we made no plans to meet until school next week..?"

"Well, I thought to see you sooner!" Setting her bag down, Chigusa sat on the floor and looked expectantly to Gou, smiling sheepishly. "Besides, it's hard for me to resist such a good-looking guy when he asks me for a favor!"

"Good-looking guy?" Gou echoed. "Who?"

"Your brother, duh!" Chigusa practically swooned. "Who else in town is as hot and sexy as him?! And I can't believe he remembered my name!" She gasped, slapping her hands over her cheeks in excitement. "Wait, do you think your brother likes me?! Is that why he invited me to come over? The Matsuoka Rin?! No way!"

"Hana-chan," Gou crossed her arms. "My brother asked you for a favor? To do what? Check on me?"

"Well, I wouldn't put it that way, but... pretty much," Chigusa shrugged. "He seemed, hm, distressed? Did you two have a fight?"

"Something like that," she muttered.

"Aw, I knew your brother having any interest in me was too much of a dream come true," Chigusa griped.

"That's because Onii-chan is more fickle than water."

"Boys are just so obtuse," rolling her eyes, Chigusa waved her hand in dismissal. "But enough about them. Today is all about us girls!"

Grabbing her bag, Chigusa proceeded to pull out an assortment of snacks and pastries that Gou realized she hadn't had in months. Since the pregnancy, she'd subconsciously become strict with her diet and what she ate. With Sousuke's guidance and his cooking, she'd become so used to eating only home-cooked meals that she'd forgotten what it was like to eat like a regular teenager. Junk food, spicy noodles, salted chips, and an unhealthy amount of sugar and caffeine. But it was the bottle Chigusa pulled out last that had Gou's eyes widening into saucers.

"Ha-Hana-chan!"

"What?" Her friend looked at her with the picture of innocence, holding the bottle with both hands. "Oh, this?"

"We're not even close to twenty years old yet!" Gou hissed, glancing at the door in fear of Rin bursting through to confiscate the contraband.

Chigusa shushed her with a wink. "There's nobody in here who knows we're not legal. Nobody to tell on us. If Rin comes in, just act normal!"

"Where did you even get that sake?"

"Extra from my family party," Chigusa answered, producing two Ochoko cups to fill with the alcoholic drink.

"But we're only seventeen," Gou protested.

"And the general age of consent is as low as thirteen," Chigusa retorted, handing Gou a cup.

"You're a bad influence on me," she whined, clutching her cup tightly with both hands as if the thought of spilling a single drop was enough for the police to come knocking down her door.

"A little bad can be good for you, and too much good can be bad for you," Chigusa's brows waggled with glee and she laughed. "It's just a little. C'mon! Hurry up so I can paint your nails. But first, when's the last time you brushed your hair?"

Suddenly self-conscious of her appearance, she ran a hand through her hair to groom herself. Her fingers snagged too many knots for her to continue and she gave up with a huff. Chigusa gave her a pointed look.

"Today is all about pampering you and giving you some much-needed fun," Chigusa crooned. "So we're going to drink!"

"But I..." Gou glanced down at the clear drink, swirling the liquid around. Her other hand pressed across her belly.

"What's wrong?" Chigusa peered at her stomach. "Do you have a stomachache?"

"N-No…" She answered quietly, hand still lingering over her lower belly. Sucking in a breath, she smiled at her friend, "No, I can drink."

"Then," Chigusa raised her cup to Gou's, "cheers!"

The alcohol burned down her throat and Gou coughed at the nasty flavor, somewhat regretting it until warmth began to tingle in her fingertips and belly. A woozy smile made its way across her face as the two girls chatted about Chigusa's current family drama. Something about the uncles and aunts arguing about who borrowed money and who owed it. Or the cousin that quit school to play video games competitively.

Her nails were painted ruby red after Chigusa triumphed over the army of knots that tangled Gou's hair. Her garnet locks were weaved into a simple braid as Chigusa complained about her parents pushing her to take pre-med instead of a business degree. Later, they watched funny cat videos together with Chigusa mentioning that she was going to have a dozen cats as an adult, to which Gou teased her that she'd end up finding no boyfriend with that many cats taking over her life.

All of the pastries were scarfed down as the hours flew by and Gou couldn't remember the last time her teeth had hurt from so much sugar.

Thirsty, she poured herself more water, cringing at the strange taste of it that ran down her throat like hot water.

She laughed hard enough to set her ribs aching in protest, but it somehow felt good, and she welcomed the strange mix of pain and pleasure. Better something than nothing.

Finding her face too hot, Gou poured herself another cup of that strange tasting water. She liked how it was cold on her tongue but settled warm in her tummy, leaving her tingling and lightheaded.

"I'm gonna get rich and rent myself a handsome, sexy boyfriend!" Chigusa cried out, raising a chip in honor of her dream. "If I'm lucky, he'll have abs of steel, a jawline sharp enough to cut rock, and a bad boy stare that could eat you up. He'll be a sex god," she sighed.

"Hana-chan," Gou groaned, "why does your dream rent-a-boyfriend sound like my brother?"

"B-Because… Ohh, why can't I have a hot brother?!" Chigusa whined before peering down at herself. "At least give me some boobs, Kami-sama!"

Gou gave her hiccupping friend a pat on the back. "Oh, Hana-chan, there's plenty of fish in the sea. You just gotta find one who likes tiny tits."

"And who also doesn't think with their dick," Chigusa huffed, leaning her head on Gou's shoulder. "Why can't I be the main character of my life? I feel like I'm just a side character and that's why I'm not getting any love interests my way. I just want a cute guy to sweep me off my feet and into his Porsche!"

"That sounds like a kidnapping?"

"Well, if he's rich, then I consider that a blessing in disguise," Chigusa snorted. "I pray he's young—but not too young, y'know? I need someone a few years older than me. Boys our age are just too immature."

"Boo, boys suck!" Gou moaned before bursting into a fit of giggles that her friend soon joined in. Full and high on this hot energy, Gou began to chant, "Boys suck! Boys suck! Boys suck! Boys suck! Boys suck! Boys—"

"Even your brother?" A voice cut off her chanting.

Gou sat up, squinting to keep the room from spinning. Rin leaned against the doorframe, arms crossed but face too neutral for her to gauge his mood. Ire shot through Gou in reaction to her brother abruptly interrupting their girl time. She had a feeling he wasn't here to partake in their little party. Pointing at the door, Gou spoke sluggishly, "Ca-Can't you read the sign? No boys or sharks allowed!"

Rin glanced to where she pointed, tipping a brow at the sign with Gou's name across. Then he glanced over to Rin-chan who lay pitifully on the floor by the closet. He sighed, nodding to Chigusa. "Hanamura, your mom is here to pick you up."

"Okaa-san?" Chigusa blinked slowly at Rin, too absorbed by his handsomeness that the gravity of his words didn't sink in until a moment later. She quickly sat up, eyes wide with panic.

"Hana-chan can stay the night," said Gou, grabbing her friend's arm and eyeing Rin.

He met her challenging stare with a cool gaze that made Gou falter just the slightest. "Hanamura still has to unpack."

Chigusa glanced between the two siblings unsurely.

"But… dinner?" Gou fumbled for an excuse. Anything to avoid having to be alone with her brother. Anything to keep her mind off of him and all her problems.

"I didn't think you girls had any more space left for dinner," Rin's gaze swept across the floor littered with food wrappers, lingering on the empty bottle of sake lying on its side. "But you're more than welcome to stay. I think I made too much food anyway."

Gou threw her friend a pleading look, but the discomfort on Chigusa's face was telling enough as the girl tried to suppress her nausea. "Um, actually, I-I'm not that hungry…"

"But Hana-chan!"

"Gou, she can come visit anytime she wants to, but it's getting late for her," Rin said before turning his attention to Chigusa once more. "Hanamura, your mom is waiting just outside."

"R-Right!" Chigusa stood up, swaying a bit before regaining her composure. Throwing a smile to Gou, she whispered, "I'll see you at school next week! Get better soon!"

"See you," Gou mumbled back, watching her friend slip past Rin.

The door closed as her brother followed her friend downstairs to show Chigusa out. That aching silence that had plagued Gou the past week suddenly filled her room that had been rowdy with giggles and shouts just a minute ago. She listened as the door closed downstairs, followed by the sharp click of the lock sliding into place.

Crawling into bed, she realized it felt empty without Rin-chan and turned to fetch her stuffed shark still laying on the other side of the room. But then a quiet knock resounded against her door and Gou hopped back into bed, keeping her back to the door which swung open.

"Did you have fun?" Her brother asked quietly from the threshold.

Gou didn't answer. Instead, she said, "Why did you stop us?"

"It was getting late, and you need rest."

"I don't need anything from you."

Silence, and then, "I know…"

"Then why are you here?"

From behind, Gou heard her brother step into the room, closer to her. Then she heard the clink of a bottle. "How much sake did you drink?"

"I'm not a little girl anymore!" She hiccupped.

"I'm well aware of that, but you're not exactly legal either. Not yet."

Gou's next words came out by accident. "Is that what you were thinking when you took my virginity?"

Her brother paused. Quietly, he said, "As I recall, you gave me your virginity."

Gou said nothing. She felt too hot to think right.

"That time, I had asked you if you were sure you would have no regret giving me your virginity. I warned you that I wouldn't be able to stop after the first time. You answered that you were sick, but not psychotic. So tell me, Gou," her brother stepped closer, "are you regretting it now?"

Pressing her face into the pillow, Gou remained silent.

He sighed. "... Are you hungry?"

She shook her head.

His gaze burned into her back, but it was the heat of his presence so close to her that made Gou want to squirm on her bed.

"If you get hungry later, I left your plate in the microwave."

"Mm."

Another sigh, and then her mattress dipped under the new weight beside her. Gou closed her eyes as her brother began to stroke the hairs away from her face. The touch was gentle and kind, and it made her want to cry all over again.

A warmth began to tingle between her legs and Gou bit back a groan of frustration, squeezing her thighs together.

"I'm sorry I got rough with you that day," Rin mumbled. "I didn't mean to hurt you. I just… I got carried away. I'm sorry…"

"Mm…"

"So…" Clearing his throat, he tried for a more lighthearted tone. "Did you have fun with your friend?"

"... Yes," she admitted.

He continued stroking her hair back. "I didn't want to stop you girls, but it really is getting late and Hanamura's parents weren't expecting a sleepover."

"I know." Half of Gou wanted him to stop touching her because he made her feel things she didn't want to feel. The other half of Gou wanted him to continue for the rest of the night as she was on the verge of melting under his caresses. "I understand."

"And I meant it when I said she can visit you whenever you want," Rin murmured, warm fingers caressing her temple and easing away the threat of a headache. "You sounded like you were having a lot of fun… I'm happy for you."

"Are you?" Gou curled up, wishing Rin-chan was in her arms right now. "Because... you love me?"

"I do," Rin whispered.

"Liar," she whispered back.

The stroking stopped, and Gou was glad because the throbbing warmth between her legs was building too much for her to hide much longer. She heard her brother sighed before he stood up, the warmth at her back replaced by a sudden chillness.

"Get some rest," Rin said.

The door closed with a soft click and Gou squeezed her eyes shut, hand drifting over to pick at the bandages of her arm. The tears did not come this time, but a restless sleep did, plagued by the nightmare of a baby wailing in the dark and red nail polish dripping down her fingers and staining her palms like blood.

She jolted awake sometime later, her sweater clinging to sweaty skin. Peering at the clock, Gou figured that she'd been asleep for barely an hour. Exhaustion weighed her eyelids down, but the urge to pee was stronger than her drowsiness and she forced herself to get up. The room tilted and she grabbed the corner of her desk for stability, rubbing her temples where a headache was starting to throb.

She nearly fell into the toilet just by peeing, but somehow she managed to survive the trip to the bathroom. Shuffling down the hallway to her room, Gou paused at the sound of her brother's voice. He was speaking in English and Gou had studied enough to understand the gist of what he was saying.

Curious, she stood by the banister to listen in.

"I understand that he's busy, but is there really no way to speak with him now? Take a message? Then can you tell him… please tell Mr. Bowman that I have to reconsider the deal… No, no it's not like that. My little sister got into an accident recently and I don't feel comfortable leaving her alone at a time when she needs me most… Yes, Ms. Whitmore, I understand…. Yes, I'm well aware of that. I worked really hard for this opportunity. You have no idea how important this is to me, but… but my sister is even more important. And right now she needs me more than I need this."

Gou stepped back, hand over her mouth.

Her stomach twisted in itself. Was she understanding this right? She had to be hearing it wrong.

"So please tell Mr. Bowman to call me back tomorrow. I need to speak to him about canceling our contract."

She ran into her room, nearly slamming the door shut. Her heart pounded in her ears, hands cold and clammy as she contemplated what Rin had said over the phone.

No, no, no! What in the world was her brother doing?! He's crazy! Throwing away a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity like that! Stupid idiot! Idiot! Idiot! Idiot!

"You idiot Onii-chan!" Gou shouted, kicking at Rin-chan. She froze, clamping a hand over her mouth even though it was too late.

Almost a minute passed before the knock came. This time, she didn't run to her bed to hide. She balled her hands and sucked in a deep breath, reigning in her anger and frustration to face her brother.

Rin opened her door. "You're awake?"

"I needed to pee," she wiped at the sweat beading on her forehead.

"Oh," her brother looked too calm, much to her chagrin. "Are you hungry now?"

"Am I… Am I hungry?!" Gou sputtered, body trembling with rage. Or was it the alcohol? She glared at him. "Am I hungry?! No, I'm angry!"

"O-Oh..?" He blinked at her, taken aback by her sudden outburst.

"You… You really do see me as nothing more than a little sister you feel obligated to take care of," Gou laughed. though there was no joy in her laughter. "I knew it! I knew you fucked me because it's just easy to fuck your stupid little sister!"

"You don't know what you're saying," Rin spoke in a low voice, stepping closer to her and shutting the door behind him.

"No!" She stumbled back, swallowing back the wave of nausea. "No, I do know! Because I remember… You were right; I did give you my virginity. I remember that I was the one who took off my panties and opened my legs for you that very first time… I practically handed you the invitation for sex."

"But it wasn't just sex—"

"But it was!" Gou shook her head, making the room spin with her. "Because you said no babies! A-And you were so strict about condoms and my birth control and not impregnating me. You were so adamant that I don't have your baby and now… now I know why…. It's because you don't love me!"

Her brother's face suddenly dulled with exhaustion and something else. Something melancholic. "Gou, you know why we can't have a baby."

"Yes, I know why!" Her voice began to rise, the notes of hysteria sharp. "It's because you don't love me! Just say it already!"

"It's nothing like that!" Rin said sharply, grasping her by the arms to force her attention on him. "You know why we can't have a baby? Do you know what will happen to us if anyone finds out about our incest? Hm?!"

"Shut up!" Wrenching herself out of his hold, Gou clasped both hands over her ears, shaking her head in defiance. "Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! You're lying! You're a liar! I know the truth! You don't want a baby with me because you don't love me like that! Just stop with the lies and admit it!"

It would hurt her if he did, but it was already hurtful to see him not deny that he didn't want to have a baby with her.

"I'm no angel, Gou, but I'm no devil either." He took another step closer, hands reaching out but not touching her. "I never lied about my love for you. I do love you—"

"No, you don't!" Gou raised a finger to stop him. "You don't love me the way I need you to. You only love me as a sibling, Onii-chan."

"Gou, I—"

"I heard you on the phone," Her face was so hot. She felt like a hot balloon, rising with anger and heat. "I heard you say you wanted to cancel the contract because of me… Because I'm your little sister. Because I'm your responsibility… your obligation… your duty! How dare you?!" Grabbing a pillow, she threw it across the room. "How dare you make me be the reason for your failure! I have had to take care of myself all these years and now you suddenly come back home and think you need to take care of me?!"

"You're not well, Gou," Rin murmured, watching her carefully. "You need help and I won't leave you when—"

She pointed her finger at him. "I don't need your help! I don't need anyone's help—no one can help me so just stop trying and leave me alone! That's what you're best at anyway..."

"I will never give up on you," Rin whispered. "And I'm sorry for leaving you alone for so long, but I promise I won't ever leave you alone again… Not this time."

"Why?" She snapped at him. "Because you love me? Oh, just stop it already! It's all a lie!"

"It's not a lie!" Rin shifted on his feet, hand sliding into his pocket. "I… I can prove it."

Gou watched as her brother knelt down on one knee and pulled out a velvet box. He opened it and she squinted at the blue rock glittering so brightly before Gou's eyes, her breath freezing in her throat.

"All those days I was too busy to call or text you… it's because of this," Rin explained, holding the box to her. His cheeks bloomed a shy red as he stammered out, "I was working so that I could buy this ring… as proof of my love for you. So that when I go to America, you'll have a part of me with you."

The sapphire sparkled with a dazzling radiance that left her dizzy, but all she saw was Ami's finger wearing it. Ami's perfectly manicured fingers curling around Rin's bicep as they walked into the love hotel together.

The photo Ami had sent her burned its way back into her memory. She recalled every detail, including the blurred background of her brother naked in the shower in the far corner. She wouldn't have recognized Rin in the photo had she not seen his sculpted backside countless times after sex.

Staring at the ring offered to her now, she wondered if Ami had been wearing the ring when she and Rin fucked each other.

Her stomach churned.

"I'm… I'm gonna be sick," Gou whispered, stumbling away from Rin and to the trashbin kept by her desk. She made it in time just as the remains of the snacks she'd eaten with Chigusa came back out of her in a pungent mush.

Gentle hands brushed back her hair as she heaved the nasty chunks into the trashbin, her throat burning with traces of the sake and the acidity of her vomit.

She sensed her brother disappear for a moment before he returned with a bottle of water, the cap cracking open with a twist of his hand.

"Here, drink."

She took a sip to rinse her mouth first before taking in a few gulps of the cool water.

His hands returned to stroking her hair back, but Gou smacked them away as soon as her dizziness was gone. "Don't. Touch me," she ground out.

Rin stepped back, surprised by whatever look he saw in her face. But he shook his head and said, "I'm not leaving your side."

"You don't love me," she spat, standing up to stand against him even though she barely reached his chest. "You're a liar."

"No."

"Yes!"

"No…" He raised his hand towards her, the sapphire ring sandwiched between his thumb and forefinger. "I love you endlessly, Gou. All the kisses and touches you allowed me to share with you… they were a gift I never thought you'd ever give me. The best gift I could ask for. So I wanted to give you a gift of my own. Something permanent that could last longer than a kiss or touch. A reminder you could always carry with you… a reminder of how much I love you." Rubbing the back of his neck, Rin added, "I know I'm not good with words, but I can at least say those three… I love you."

She shook her head, stepping back until the edge of the bed bumped her leg.

"I don't want your stupid ring," Gou croaked out. Her head hurt, but her heart was hurting more.

"Oh…" Pain flashed in Rin's garnet gaze and he smiled sadly, nodding in defeat. "O-Okay, you… you don't have to wear it if you don't want to. I won't force you. Just take it for me, will you? Please?"

Did he really expect her to wear a secondhand ring that had originally been worn by that bitch? Did her brother really think she was that stupid? She might have been stupid to fall for him then, but she wouldn't be deceived this time.

She took the ring and threw it back at him, the diamond and sapphire gems sparkling as the silver band bounced off Rin's chest. "I said I don't want it!" she screamed.

His throat bobbed sharply. Slowly, he stooped down to pick up the ring from the floor.

"Tell me what you want then," Rin whispered to her, pleading. "I'll give it to you. I'll give anything to you. Just tell me."

"Then give me back my virginity!" she shouted at him. "That way I can avoid giving myself to a man who would screw another girl behind my back!"

Rin froze. "How… How did you know about that? Did Ami tell you?!"

"You won't even try to deny it?!" Her bottom lip trembled in warning before Gou's face crumpled. "So it really is true. You're a liar… You're a liar and I trusted you!"

"Gou, please," his voice broke as her brother reached out to her once more only to be pushed away. "Please, I can explain!"

"I don't need an explanation for why you fucked another girl!"

"It… It's complicated!" He stammered. "I… I did it for… for you!"

Gou reared back in utter disgust and incredulity. "For me? You fucked that bitch for me?! How stupid do you think I am?!"

"No, please, it's not like that!" Rin ran a hand through his hair in frustration, seemingly lost for words or excuses. "I can't… It's just fucking complicated. Please, you gotta believe me, Gou. I do love you! I love you so fucking much!"

She whimpered through hot tears, "Get out."

Her brother stared at her as if he didn't hear her right.

"Go back to your school," Gou said. "Go back to that bitch. Go back to your swimming. Go back to Bob Bowman and tell him the contract is still on. Go to America. Go to the Olympics. Just... go."

"But… what about you?" His glassy stare reflected her own pain and she turned away from him.

"I want you to go away and leave me alone," she cried. He remained standing before her like a lost puppy, the ring sitting pitifully on his open palm. "Go away!" she screamed at him, shoving her hands against his chest.

Her shove did nothing to budge Rin, but it did get him to finally move. Slowly. Hesitantly. Shoulders slumped with his feet dragging on the floor. From the corner of her eye, Gou watched him pause by the doorway, a hand gripping the frame hard enough to make his knuckles whiten.

"I'll stay with you until Mom comes home," Rin whispered. "Then I'll go."

A moment after the door closed, she slumped to the floor, crying and ripping at the bandages wrapped around her arm. Shreds of gauze fluttered to the floor along with her tears. Shaky fingers found the raised welts on her inner forearm and Gou gasped as she raked her nails down the lines, small pricks of pain flooding her numb system.

She did it again, watching her fair skin redden with irritation.

The more pain she felt, the fewer tears she cried.

A/N: The part where Nitori talks to Rin about how they stalked Gou to check her alleged boyfriend is based on a DRAMA CD - "There's no way my little sister is dating some guy". You can watch a subbed version of the CD on Youtube here: /watch?v=u_OWSXpIQuM