In The Mind's Eye
Disclaimer: This is an AU story that combines The Godfather and Greys Anatomy together. I borrowed these characters, I own nothing.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
This Mortal Life
"Dying changes everything. There's the emotional fall out, sure, but there's also the practical stuff. Who's going to do your job? Who's going to take care of your family? The only good thing for you is you don't have to worry about it. People you never knew would be living in your house, working your job. The world just keeps on going without you.
They say death is hardest on the living. It's tough to actually say goodbye. Sometimes it's impossible. You never really stop feeling the loss. It's what makes things so bitter sweet. We leave little bits of ourselves behind, little reminders. A lifetime of memories, photos, trinkets. Things to remember us by even when we're gone."
"The sorrow we feel today is unrelenting. The distress, sadness, or regret especially for the loss of someone or something loved is unbearable. Sadness, sorrow and heartbreak are natural feelings. These emotions are choiceless in the face of losing a loved one. Carlos Torres was loved by many. He was a family man. A descent man with a respect for the things and people around him. An honorable man who stood up for his beliefs and his friends. A man that was self-made and self-reliant. "
The eulogy that continued, was heard in the recesses of Arizona's mind. She had just seen Carlos two mornings ago when she dropped Gavin off. Remembering back to Callie's phone call, Arizona furrowed her brows. Her wife sounded demanding. Speaking in a rather abrupt manner that was characteristic of Callie when things were not going her way, Arizona had dismissed the tone. The blonde doctor knew something was horribly wrong. Callie was totally devastated seeing her father die in front of her. It was without a doubt the lowest point in Callie Torres' life. Arizona sat next to her wife as the eulogy came to a close. The wife who was in her own world of grief and despair.
Walking behind the mahagony casket that carried her father in law, Arizona held Callie's hand. Callie had not let go the entire service. As they stood on the cathedral steps, the Torres Family watched as their father's casket was placed in the hearse.
"Aria move over. Arizona is sitting next to me." Callie motioned to her sister that she dearly loved to slide over in the limousine. She had reserved a space for her wife to sit. Never wanting Arizona to leave her side, Callie kept her wife close for the past two days. And today during this difficult time, that was no exception.
Looking from the car window, Callie saw her wife standing outside talking to her parents. The Robbins' had kept their son during the funeral service. Flying down the day before to help out as much as they possibly could. The older couple sat in the back of the church as little Gavin slept in Barbara's arms.
As the Robbins walked to their car, Arizona stepped into the limo that housed Callie, Carmela and Aria's family. "Mom and dad are following behind with Gavin," Arizona said as slid in her seat. Normally Gavin would have rode with his parents, but he never saw his other set of grandparents. The Robbins hadn't visited since Gavin's birth. This time, as sad as it was, forged a bond with Arizona's parents. Gavin took to Barbara and Daniel right away since seeing them yesterday.
Eyes trained to the outside world, Callie never acknowledged anyone or anything inside of the limousine. Quiet was her demeanor. Subdued was the brunette's personality. A wall was erected between Callie and everyone else, except Arizona. She had clung to the blonde as if she were Callie's life support. And, she was her life support. Callie could not face this without Arizona.
The chairs sat outside for the family to use for the remainder of the graveside service filled quickly. The twenty third Psalm was read as per Carmela's request. "...Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies..."
Enemies...the word triggered a memory of not long ago. Callie's mind wandered back as that particular passage was read. Months back to when she and her father had came up with this whole plan to place Callie in complete control.
Flashback
"I'm not sure this will work Papa. Don't you think everyone will see that I had something to do with this?"
"Maybe, maybe not. Doesn't matter, it's the only way. You have too many enemies. Sworn enemies that are thirsty for blood my child. You must take this on. It is your only way of survival."
"What if Arizona finds out."
"You mean what if you tell her. Don't tell her. She may suspect, but you don't say anything."
"She smarter than..."
"Callie. You have to many enemies. You don't need your wife added to the that list."
End of Flashback
No Callie didn't want her wife added to the list of enemies that despised her and her family. So she hadn't told Arizona of her actions and unspeakable atrocities. Those dark facts were kept just that way...in the dark. Away from the purest and brightest thing in Callie's life.
Greeting the mourners is always a difficult thing isn't it? On one hand you are appreciative that they came. On the other, you secretly wished they allowed you to mourn in private without interruption.
Pulling Arizona by the hand, Callie met with Daniel and Barbara just a few feet away from the tent. She was ready to go home. Ready to collect her son from Arizona's parents. Ready to climb into bed with her wife and baby to snuggle. She missed the intimacy of her little family unit over the last couple of days. It was always just the three of them together. Now, their home had been flooded with food, family, and friends. As thankful as Callie was for the kind gestures, she was ready for it to be just her, her wife, and their baby. No more, no less.
"Thank you both so much for taking care of Gavin." Callie spoke as she took the baby from Barbara's arms. He was smiling. Happy to see his mother. With his small hands, Gavin grabbed a handful of Callie's jet black hair. Not to pull, but to hold. He loved the feeling of his mothers hair. Soft, silky, and very smooth.
As the couple made their way to the long black Limousine, Callie turned back to get one last look at the casket that held her father's remains. As painful as this moment was, something even more painful plagued the brunette's mind. The lie she had told her wife. The lie that haunted her over the last two weeks. Hovering over her marriage like a dark cloud.
As the evening wore on, the visitors disbursed. Leaving just the immediate family at Carmela's home. Arizona's parents had even went back to the older woman's home and visited before they left to go back to Washington. Callie was surprised that the Robbins came. There was no love lost between the two families, yet Daniel and Barbara had come to show support. An act that Callie appreciated and one that the brunette would remember in the years ahead.
Finding their way home after a couple of hours spent with Carmela, Callie and Arizona lay in their bedroom, wide awake. No sleep seemed to come although they were both tired. Gavin had been placed in his crib after he had snuggled between his mothers in their bed a little earlier.
"I miss him." Callie's words fell from trembling lips.
"I know baby," Arizona said as she held her devastated wife in her arms. Feeling Callie shake and cry grieved the blonde. The hot tears that fell on Arizona's chest from Callie's eyes were painful to see. Callie was always strong. In control. Poised and regal. Now she seemed a shell of her former self.
"I will never see him again." Uncontrollable sobbing came and continued for several minutes.
"I know baby. I am so sorry." Arizona rubbed Callie's back in an effort to calm the emotional meltdown her wife seemed to be having. It was probably the worst she had ever seen Callie be. And it moved Arizona in a deep way. She felt and shared her wife's sorrow for the lost man. The father Callie's had always looked up to. The father in law that she had became close with. He was like another father to Arizona. She too would miss him. His smile. His laughter. His sincerity. She too would miss the most respected and loved mafia boss in New York. Dubbed the Gentle Don in his latter years, Carlos had a relationship with Arizona that would be greatly missed.
Tears subsided a few minutes later as the brunette lay with her head on her wife's chest. Arizona's heart was a mesmerizing sound that lulled Callie into a calmer state. Callie thought about the way Carlos died. The massive heart attack struck with a ferocious wave. Knocking Carlos back in his chair. No warning. No life sustaining measures were needed. Instant death happened that afternoon.
Carlos had just asked Callie how she and Arizona were right before the heart attack struck..."Are you two happy?" That was the question he proposed to his daughter late that afternoon as she came to collect her son.
"Yes, but I am going to tell her the truth." The brunette answered her fathers question. If Arizona loves her enough, she would understand. In time, Arizona would forgive. In heart, she would love Callie still.
Over the last couple of weeks, Callie had purposely tried to be happy. On some level she was. But that wasn't enough. The enthusiasm she portrayed was not as authentic as it appeared. Her mind was heavy. Heavy with the need to relieve herself from the burden she carried. No matter how hard Callie fought against it, her wife's purity and innocence always brought her back to the same conclusion. Which was, to tell the truth.
The truth separates us from evil. It separates light from dark. Fact from fiction. No matter how hard you try, the truth will come out. The only thing is that if it comes out later, it can make any situation worse than it should be. The more you wait, the bigger chance that the outcome will have devastating consequences.
Callie couldn't stand the silent truth she kept secret. Callie couldn't take it any longer.. Because the truth was, Callie wanted honesty. Respect. The need for mutual respect in her marriage was lacking as long as this was kept away.
And, Callie wanted to grieve. For her father. For the life she missed. But she couldn't grieve for him, for having to grieve over the one untruthful act she held between herself and Arizona. It consumed her. So, Callie let go. Unchaining herself from the bondage her soul was under, she confessed...
"Arizona, It was me. I did it. I had those men killed."
"Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone.
It isn't just death we have to grieve. It's life. It's loss. It's change.
And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime.
That's how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can't breathe, that's how you survive.
By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won't feel this way. It won't hurt this much.
Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way.
So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty.
The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can't control it.
The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes.
And let it go when we can.
The very worst part is that the minute you think you're past it, it starts all over again.
And always, every time, it takes your breath away.
There are five stages of grief. They look different on all of us, but there are always five.
-Denial.
-Anger.
-Bargaining.
-Depression.
-Acceptance."