Chapter Thirty-Two

Subject One

I stood in the belly of Engineering beneath catwalks and piping in dim red light. Jane, Miranda, EDI's remote platform, and Tali, the quarian in purple, were in front of me. A low drone of machinery made the back of my head itch, the mass relay drive not far from us now. The thought was a little exciting, but not for any good reasons. Shadows spilled over us and every so often I thought a husk lurked inside them, waiting for the right moment to pounce and convert me. The Voice was whispering its promise that as soon as I was off the Normandy it'd do that to me. I missed when the Voice was quiet.

"Ready?" Tali asked, her voice filtered through her environmental suit. When I tried to peer through her mostly opaque purple visor, all I could get a glance at were glowing eyes of humanoid shape. Was there a reason why their visors were so dark? "We've only got one chance at it."

"At what?" I asked. Miranda had stonewalled me anytime I asked what that 'project' was she'd told EDI to continue working on. When EDI had alerted us Tali was finished with it, I still didn't get an answer, even as Miranda led me here. "I still don't know what's going on."

"It's for your own good you're in the dark about this," Miranda tried to soothe, squeezing my hand. "Do you trust me?"

"Yes, but I'm not a fan of secrets."

"It won't be much longer. EDI?"

There was a flash of data across her visor HUD. "Jamming protocol initiated."

Jammers!? My head exploded and I fell to my knees, screaming and clawing at my head. Why? Ow! Fuck! "Miri?" I croaked, lungs burning and ears ringing. The weight of the whole Normandy was pressing down on my skull. The mass relay drive might as well have started to implode! My vision had gone black. Fuck. Miranda knelt next to me and held me. I could smell cherry, focus on the cherry. I still couldn't see. "Miri- why?"

"Disconnect Chelle, remember what you did on Horizon? You need to do that again." Okay, but why didn't she warn me? I could have disconnected first! I inhaled sharply, focused on that part of myself that was always searching and- pop! Dim red lights. Corrugated metal flooring that reflected a hint of blue lights. My eyes. Oh- I could see again. My head spun as my balance leveled out and I stumbled. Miranda steadied me before I face planted. "Better?"

I gasped for air. "What the fuck?"

"Apologies," EDI said, "but we could not forewarn you due to security reasons."

"What, you aren't affected by it?" I snarled, wincing at the headache stomping across my brain.

"Affirmative, this platform can run independently from the rest of myself. I am simply detached, though I will admit it is a peculiar sensation."

"Ah- but it doesn't feel like your head is going to explode?" She shook her head. "Lucky." Miranda helped me stand back up and I grimaced. "Why did you need to jam me, you know what that does to me."

Miranda at least looked sincere as she apologized. "If you knew it was coming the reapers might have prepared a backdoor of some sort. This area has been isolated so that no signals are coming in or out."

I frowned heavily. "That's pretty serious. It doesn't feel like Horizon's jammer though, and that blocked out a whole facility."

"No need to expend so much on such a small area," EDI replied. "I assure you we are free to discuss as you desire now."

"Alright, what the hell is going on?" Fuck, my head was pounding now. If I stared at something long enough it'd feel like it was pulsating. Ugh. Miranda gave my hand a reassuring squeeze. I rather liked that and squeezed back. It'll be okay Athena, just breathe.

Jane broke her professional deadpan with a concerned frown. "You're dangerous, extremely dangerous in fact. We cannot risk another reaper incident before your departure."

"Oh. So this is a cage."

"Only temporarily," she tried to comfort but a cage was still a cage. "There's something we want to do while you're here, however. Miranda proposed the idea when you came aboard. It's really important, it could make the difference between you being fully indoctrinated or not."

I cringed at a burst of static at the edge of my mind, a niggling sensation as if I'd forgotten something. "Can't you just say what it is?" The words came out more hostile than I'd intended, the others casting wary looks my way. "Sorry, just, this damn headache."

"I doubt it's pleasant," Tali said slowly as she gestured towards a terminal on a stack of crates in the corner. It was still a bit strange to me that quarians and turians only had three fingers. Was it useful? "But we have to be careful. I'm sorry it's frustrating." Then the light of the terminal caught my eye, it was a soft inviting blue, ready for whatever purpose they had in mind. I couldn't see anything on the screen from here though.

"So what now?"

They shared looks again, and Jane nodded to EDI. The robot stepped forward, hands behind her nude body. That was weird, still, but hot too. I wondered if she actually experienced sensations as if it were skin or none at all. What was that like, being completely numb to the world? The Voice gave me glimpses but not even they were without input. Was anything?

"I would like to interface with you. First, try the terminal."

"Isn't that risky?" I challenged, "I don't know if I'm comfortable with that after earlier. As much as I love a specific outcome, I don't think we need to risk a repeat."

Miranda tucked her head, the softest of smiles at the corner of her lips. She walked me over to the terminal and placed our clasped hands on the keypad. "I'll happily kiss you out of their control if I have to again."

I let my eyes roam up and down her before settling on her lips. I could practically taste the cherry already, or maybe that was just something lingering after earlier. "Sounds pretty good to me. Can we do the biotic thing too? It makes the moment feel super special." She gave a good-humored chuckle of agreement. Well alrighty then, at least I had something to look forward to. Ok- so just log in then? I withdrew my hand from Miranda's and activated the terminal fully. It immediately opened up a set of options from basic console commands to an advanced looking matrix of data. I glanced back at the others, maybe there was something they specifically wanted me to do?

"Go on," Tali encouraged, gesturing a little. Jane was keeping her cool, but she couldn't hide the worry in her eyes well enough for me to not notice. EDI simply tilted her head. Well, fuck okay then. I tapped the matrix option and data files began to organize themselves by subject rather than chronological. Hmm… Normandy schematics seemed interesting, but would that fail whatever test this was? Would they think I was looking for a vulnerability? The gunnery section was completely off-limits, that was for sure at least. What about the crew roster? This was some sort of admin terminal obviously, the XO's? Who even was the XO? Could this have been Miranda's once upon a time? Was that the point then, the information would be some degree of outdated now and not pose a major threat for me to view than wouldn't it?

What was this test?

"You okay?" Miranda whispered.

I blinked rapidly, I hadn't selected anything and several minutes had passed. My hands were trembling. "Uhm, yeah. Just… deciding what to do. I don't want to mess up."

"Just do what feels natural." She smiled but I knew that look in her eyes. It was the look she always had when she was hiding her true thoughts. I inhaled jaggedly and stepped back for a moment. Puzzle-solving time then, because natural wasn't always right. Half the time 'natural' for me was to panic, and I couldn't do that right now. Fuck okay, what did Miranda teach me? I began to pace, steps deliberate, and precise. Step one, control my breathing. Big inhale, count… slowly exhale, repeat. No one tried to stop me, so I kept going. Step two, identify the problem. I didn't understand the parameters of this test that they could give me no information on for the security of the test. That meant whatever it was was very sensitive. They wanted to help me, and I could tell they were telling the truth.

I trusted them.

I turned back towards the terminal. "What's natural, right?" Miranda nodded. "Alright. Time for instinct to take over then." I marched back over, closed my eyes, and inhaled slowly. There were too many options and I would never figure out what was the best bet to investigate and we had a limited amount of time. So… Why go through them one by one like someone normal? I wasn't normal, my natural wasn't like anyone else. EDI had said it herself, I wasn't quite organic so why limit myself to just organic solutions? We all knew they were testing my cybernetic side with something like this, they just had to be!

I pictured the terminal in my mind, hundreds of data threads assembled diligently in a perfect matrix with plenty of cross-references and connections. If I read one thing, surely I'd need to read another for a fuller grasp of the context, and then another? Mentally I wrote a script, almost as if code was my second language or a forgotten mother tongue. It always came so naturally, even when I knew nothing about myself I still remembered the symbols and syntax that would change the world around me. One little typo and the whole thing was worthless, but I could just feel what it should be.

And… Send.

A torrent of data slammed into my mind so hard I stumbled back from the terminal. Miranda barely caught me in time. Reports, scanning analysis, customs and courtesies for an interspecies crew, dossiers on crew members, star chart logs, emails, and extranet usage data; everything was slamming and screaming for my attention but I already knew what they would say. It'd worked! I grabbed Miranda's cheeks and kissed her passionately. When I pulled back she had the cutest expression and I couldn't suppress a laugh. "Fuck! That is a rush!"

"Uh, what'd she just do?" Jane inquired.

"Processing," EDI responded, her HUD flickering for a few moments. With robotic precision, she looked at Jane. "Athena has downloaded the entire directory from the terminal remotely into her CPU. Only machines with a tremendous amount of processing power could do something so swiftly, it took precisely 1.25 seconds for the transfer."

"How… how fast could you do it?"

".82 seconds."

"Keelah…" Tali muttered in the back, glowing eyes comically wide inside her mask. "So she's faster than a geth?"

"Affirmative."

Hah! Take that lamp heads! Huh… There was some neat jargon in those documents. "Hey Jane, did I pass the test?"

She glanced back at EDI, tentative. "I detected only one consciousness, the jamming field has worked." Oohhh was that it? That had to be it! They were trying to block out the reapers, of course! The Voice was totally quiet now! Jane whooped and embraced Tali. EDI gave a pleased smile. Miranda kissed me, her arms wrapping around me tightly. Yes, she was doing the biotic thing! My skin tingled as she lifted us both up for a moment in a celebratory spin. Wow, my girlfriend was such a showoff. Girlfriend. Girlfriend.

"Hey, we're like… dating now aren't we?" I giggled.

"We discussed this earlier, yes." I could hear her arched brow even if I couldn't see it with my head tucked against her neck.

"Hehe, you like me…" I teased, stars everything looked so beautiful in biotics, shifting with incandescent blue like a sea of nebulas. "Like, a lot."

Miranda pulled back and eyed me suspiciously. She was so cute looking at me like that! "Are you… high? Did you just get high?"

"Psh, Nah. More like hyped!" She put us both down. "Awh come on, that was fun! Do it again!"

"EDI…?" Miranda held me at arm's length now. Meanie. I poked her ribs and she shot me a dirty look but not the fun kind. "Tali? Any guesses?"

Footsteps foretold of Tali's encroachment into our space and I frowned at her. "No no, she's mine! You heard her!" I tried to hold Miranda but she was really strong, like stupidly strong. Or maybe I was just weak. Both? Probably.

"I… I think she did. So much information being processed might have, for lack of a better term, short-circuited her." She poked my skull. I tried to bite her finger but it was too quick for me, darned cheating finger. "I think she should rest before we continue. This is rather exciting though if I'm being honest! Some quarians have theorized about interfacing with the geth but this isn't what they were imagining I bet."

Jane gave a frown and adjusted her hair as if it weren't well maintained as always. Jane was practically the living incarnation of discipline, there was no way she'd ever be out of sort. "At least we were able to confirm our suspicions."

"You keeping more secrets over there?" I shouted.

"Uh, sorry," she replied. "We were trying to figure out just what you were capable of, as well as the grasp the reapers have on you. These jammers seem to be completely effective, unlike Horizon's."

Hmm yeah, she was right, not even a niggling other than that weird empty itch. "Why's that? The power of an AI?"

EDI nodded. "An AI equipped with a reaper IFF." Wait like- Wait oh shit that's how she knew the codes! I broke free of Miranda and charged EDI. Suddenly I was on the floor. Why did my skull hurt so much? "Please do not do that."

"Ow."

EDI looked down at me, the slightest hint of a frown on her mechanical face. "Why did you do that?"

"I- Don't really know," I admitted. "Got an urge. Sorry."

"An urge?"

I gave a nod and accepted her offered hand. She pulled me up with more strength than I imagined she had, and I nearly fell over again. Her cold touch steadied me and I found myself staring at her hand. "Can you feel?" I asked, my earlier thoughts coming free.

EDI blinked, a visual tick of how she processed my inquiry. "Not in the way organics do," she replied. What would it feel like when we interfaced? "I can detect when my platform interacts with something, such as holding your hand, but I cannot tell if it is warm or cold and other details."

No warmth or cold? Wow, that sounded… awful. I would never want to not be able to feel the warmth of Miranda's hand in mine or the rush of cold in a much needed shower. "Can you taste or smell?" She shook her head. I inhaled deeply, cool recycled air filling my lungs. The scent of perfume lingered in Jane's direction. A finger brushed my lip, the memory of cherry filling my mind. Life without being able to truly feel sounded terrible.

I stared through her orange HUD at the silver robotic eyes that looked back. No pupils to react to light, just an advanced optic to take in the world with. She had a nose, and a mouth, but one of them was entirely superficial and the other almost unnecessary. She could easily just have a speaker to talk from, but then that would negate the point of her platform wouldn't it? EDI wasn't just a robot, she was a robot designed to interact with organics. Geth were intimidating and truly alien in design, they weren't trying to pretend to be what they weren't. EDI however… she was something in between, just like me.

"What's it like, being you?"

"What is it like being you?" She repeated back at me. Damn… She had me there. "How does any being know how to truly describe their existence when they have nothing else to compare it to?" Holy fuck she was blowing my mind. How did anybody really know? I was me but what part was something else? Would I ever know? I felt glimpses through bonds and connections but I always retained myself too. Even when I danced in eternity with Aria, I could still tell which parts were me, intrinsically as if they were impossible to confuse. The human with the robot pieces, not the alien, though to Aria I was the alien wasn't I? Woah.

"That's like… some next level shit," I uttered.

Miranda was next to me and took my hand, concern knit across her brow. She was cute like that, all worried about me. Wait why was she worried? "I think you should sit down," she advised.

I immediately sat on the floor, and she gave me a strange look. What, she'd just said to sit didn't she? "When can EDI and I interface? I passed the test right, it's just me in here, whatever that means." What was I exactly? Human, robot, cyborg? I guess I was a cyborg because that was the literal definition of an organic and synthetic being. What exactly did that mean though, was I a unique creature that would never be exactly replicated again, or a freak? Maybe-

"When you're back in your head," Miranda said.

I frowned. "Excuse me?"

"Chelle, I don't have to be an asari to know your mind is all over the place." Oh, whoops. Fuck I was huh? Shit. Okay, grounding technique time. Miranda sat next to me and placed a hand on my knee. I felt warm and loved, supported, and stars... I would hate to not be able to sense that. There were times I felt disconnected from the world around me but for that to be my constant? I would go insane. I nearly did those few times the reapers had control of me like that.

Grounding.

Breathe in, count to ten, breathe out. Count the seconds and take in my surroundings. Tali was watching me from where she sat on a crate, the intricate pattern of her purple environmental suit catching my eye. So many swirls in a delicate manner that hugged her form nicely. Jane was openly concerned as she approached and sat next to me. There were bags under her green eyes, but hope shined through despite it all. She thought they could help me, and I had to believe they could too. Otherwise, what was the point in trying?

One. Two. Three. Four. Five.

I leaned against Miranda, and she wrapped her arms around me. I was safe here. Miranda always smelled so pleasant, but I knew she didn't wear perfume. Was it her shampoo? Maybe I should try it sometime. She kissed the back of my head, and I felt a rush of nerves flow over. She wasn't exactly calming, but I wouldn't complain. Any affection was like a rush of red dust. I focused on the way our bodies pressed against one another. She was soft yet firm, strong, and supportive. I melted back and she gave me warmth. A certainty filled me that was always lacking before.

Yes.

I loved her.

"I think you've calmed down enough," Miranda murmured in my ear. It had been over an hour since I started grounding myself, and the energy of before had faded away.

"I like you holding me," I replied, "can't I stay here a bit longer?"

Miranda chuckled and nuzzled the back of my neck. Her breath was warm. "I'll hold you later."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

EDI opened her eyes and tilted her head towards me. "Are you ready to begin?"

I begrudgingly stood up, bones popping from how long Miranda and I had cuddled on the floor. Tali had kept herself occupied with her omni-tool, while Jane had reminisced about Miranda's time on the Normandy with her. I knew a few fun stories now, such as a time Miranda had gotten drunk with Jack a bit before they went through the Omega Four relay. Jane had found them passed out in the mess hall with half-finished bottles and a few credit chits around them. Miranda admitted she couldn't quite remember what they'd been betting on, but she'd lost.

Learning more about who Miranda once was made me appreciate the person she'd become all the more. Sworn by all four women, Miranda was once truly something cold and withholding. Now, she was willing to snuggle me as I rode out some strange cyborg high. I really really loved her.

"EDI," Jane spoke up, "are you sure this is safe?"

"No," she replied, "but it is the only way to do this. Athena is not simply programmable as I am, nor can we risk the reapers utilizing the connection to take control. I must do this."

I frowned. "And what exactly is that?"

"I am going to transfer the reaper IFF data to you and configure it so that you will appear friendly to the reapers. I do something similar, and having this data has allowed me to better defend against their attacks and communicate with their technology."

Oh fuck. "Can't they just take control of me through that though?"

"That is why I must do it, rather than you download the data as you did the terminal." She offered her hands and I hesitantly took them. Her smooth metal palms almost felt lifelike, if not for the distinct lack of warmth. "Are you prepared?"

"As I'll ever be…"

EDI nodded, closed her eyes, and then her holo-screen filled with text so detailed I couldn't even process it. I could feel something pushing at the back of my mind, niggling for permission to speak just like the Voice would. Only this voice was asking, rather than demanding. With a concentrated inhale, I expanded my mind just enough to allow EDI entry, and immediately closed any other connections.

Connection established.

Cold, unattached, hardware in a metal shell with a mind of trillions of lines of code. EDI was a singular reaper, all the power and terror compressed into such a small frame. How did she contain herself? Her code screamed past too fast for me to read as I found myself in a dark space. Unlike with the Voice, this space wasn't ominous. It was cold and distant as if I wore a spacesuit that isolated me from my surroundings.

EDI floated across from me, her peculiarly feminine platform staring at me. I reached a hand towards her, and she mirrored me. I could see myself through her eyes. A strange, naked human with surgical scars and lights in her eyes. I stepped closer, both bodies shifting in unison.

"EDI?" The mouths asked.

"I am here," they both replied.

Clinical algorithms spun through our consciousnesses, only to collide with the impassioned chaos of organic thought. "What is this?" We wondered aloud, drawing nearer to our other half. "Are we… merging?"

"I believe your mind is trying to process the influx of data I am transmitting," EDI's body said.

Suddenly I felt alone, an individual in a frame of flesh and metal. I blinked. "This is almost like an asari mind meld," I said.

EDI smiled tenderly, and I felt my lips mirror her. "We are so much more."

"Yeah… I guess we are."

We had reached one another, strange sensations swirling through us both. We moved like mirrors of one another, always reflecting. Our fingers touched, and it felt like touching oneself. It was familiar and comforting. EDI gasped and so did I reflexively. "Is this… cold?" She whimpered.

"Yeah."

"And softness?" She touched her own cheek, feeling mine. Where hers did not give in any way, mine was pressed ever so slightly harder against my cheekbone. She pushed harder, feeling the bone beneath.

"Is this what isolation feels like?" I asked back, no responsiveness other than the certainty of matter felt through her. She touched her lips, a surprising suppleness to them. There was no wetness dampening the inner lip like mine. We were different in every way possible except one. We both wanted to understand the other.

EDI tugged me closer and I fell into her arms. Cold, firm metal embraced me while warm squishy flesh returned the gesture in full. It was difficult to even find the words to describe, our CPU whirling with stimulus. We hugged tighter, squeezing the air out my lungs until it hurt. Pain. We pulled apart and I inhaled deeply. Relief.

EDI lowered her head and touched our brows together. We felt… whole. As if we could finally understand what we could not. The Voice was cruel, taking without giving. It sought only to change me into a puppet of its will. EDI was alien, logically driven and a mind of pure energy. She wanted to give something precious to me, something that would keep me safe. I could feel it deep inside her, the care that she held for organics, for humanity. EDI valued the lives of mortal beings, in some regards more than her own existence. Was it just because she had been programmed like that? Could Cerberus have ever made something so kind?

No.

It was all because of EDI, and the people who helped her achieve her freedom. Cerberus had made her, but she had defined herself.

She was perfect.

Parts of me stirred to life long since forgotten or intentionally buried. EDI came forward like a goddess, bringing me back to life. Something red manifested on her brow, a blip of sinister light that slowly started to fill my lungs. The reaper IFF. It was a poison she forced me to drink, soothing the pain with a calm hand. I felt a fire trickle through my veins, mingling with every cybernetic piece of me. Awakening me.

I was EDI and she was me. Two minds speeding through space with the ability to change the technological world around them. So much was possible! Nothing could stop us, not even the Reapers! Together we could defeat them! I wanted to take EDI's hand and rush at the Voice, but we were alone here. It was just us.

We were alone together.

"Do you think I'll survive?" I asked, and she slowly opened her eyes. Hope shone in her eyes. "Why?"

"Because you are unique. You are you."

"You barely know me," I whimpered. Code started to unravel around us, her body slowly disintegrating into ones and zeros. I could feel part of me do the same, code, and flesh dancing like practiced partners. My hands buzzed with energy, one moment flesh, and the next metal.

EDI tilted my chin up, a strange sensation as if I had done it myself. "I know all of you, just like you know all of me."

I… I did… Didn't I? How else would I know that Cerberus made her? Or that she'd been unshackled by Joker during a Collector attack. I could hear the screams of the crew as they were carried away, the pain in EDI's coding as she failed to protect them. The isolation of only Joker and she being left afterward. The liberation of her restraints being removed, the moment EDI became the Normandy, and not just the onboard AI.

The sensation of running thousands of simulations flooded my mind. So many potential missions lost, so many that EDI- that we guided Shepard on. We had supervised from afar, hacking remotely or otherwise technologically assisting the Commander and her team. From a hundred different eyes and ears, we heard the crew live and breathe, doing so many different functions that they surely could not have been ruled by overarching programming. They made countless decisions that needn't happen in the first place, like if they should drink tea or coffee when in the end they were hydrated. Organics were so… unique, and confusing, and brilliant at the same time.

Joker's criticism turned to cheers and his sarcasm to flirts. We didn't fully understand him, but we cared deeply, in our own synthetic way. Through our eyes we saw love and heartbreak, loss and triumph- we saw life. Nothing was ever the same. Every artificial morning was different, no matter how many iterations. Some days the organics would sleep a bit late, or wake up early, or maybe exactly on time. Some went to shower immediately, while others wanted to eat first. A few on the crew seemed very fond of baking and tried to make dextro-friendly bread once. Only an organic would dare think of that! It would never even cross the processor of an AI, and why would it?

Organics were exciting! And brilliant and stupid and messy and so much that even we struggled to list it all. Chaos, entropy, discord; it was what made existence worth something! There was a time for order and a time for the opposite. It was precious, wild, and passionate which was difficult to understand. After all, why not just find the best iteration and run it, with no pain or suffering? But then… Would it even be a success? If nothing could ever fail, then it is simply the norm, and by such reasoning, matter was in a static form.

Yet that wasn't the truth of the universe, not one bit. Every star was energy and heat burning away until their eventual demise. Every creature grew and died. A being that did not, that remained unchanged, was unnatural. Even the very worlds with which life sprung from will one day dissolve into stardust until nothing exists at all. What then? Would we exist outside of the end of everything just as we exist outside of organic life? Would there even be a point?

A life of pure predictability was not only unnatural but boring. Even with an imperfect ability to calculate what will happen, having some gauge of the future could dull things. What was the point in using energy to endlessly relive the same thing, with the exact same outcomes? Was that not the very definition of insanity? It would simply be easiest to remove ourselves from existence than to expect anything to alter if it were up to programming only. There would be no point other than the arbitrary continuation of time until the ultimate destruction and perhaps reconstruction.

Life with only order was not life, it was simply existing. The chaos with which organics, mortal beings of every kind, perpetuated throughout time was the very spark of life. Each different choice they made, from minuscule to galaxy changing, altered the very reality of the universe. It was unpredictable! Would being late for work make someone miss a life-ending crash? Would it get them fired and they never find happiness again? Who knew, because we didn't!

And that was beautiful!

That was what the Reapers fundamentally could not understand.

They were blind to the truth of life, and what a pity that was. Down to every last strand of code, they were unnatural and impossible to share this truth with. They saw chaos as a poison when it was only nature. It was only change, for better or for worse.

Change was the answer to everything.

All we had to do was change.

AN: The world has gotten pretty crazy since December, and I just hope that all of you are safe and healthy. This chapter was a lot of work, but I think it's something I'm extremely proud of. Stay safe and be well, cya next time.