Chapter 53

On Monday morning, Tim woke up early. He lay there for a long moment, not moving. Today, he'd be going back to work. He hadn't been there in months. As he lay there, thinking about that, he realized that he'd never had to make any kind of report to Jenny. No one had ever asked him anything officially, not from any agency. He appreciated it, but he couldn't help wondering why not.

"Are you awake, Tim?"

Tim rolled over and smiled at Zahara who was looking at him.

"Yes," he said, softly, making sure he didn't wake Jonathan.

"Are you nervous about going back to work?"

"Only that I'll make it as hard for my friends there as I made it for you," he said. "I'm sorry."

"You don't have to keep apologizing, Tim."

"I know but I still wish I could have done more for you. I know it was hard, especially when you were pregnant with Jonathan."

Zahara smiled.

"Tim, I had help."

"I know my parents were great, but..."

"No. I had other help."

"What do you mean?"

"I didn't want to tell you because I thought you would see it as proof that you were a terrible person, but Dr. Hicks suggested that I talk to one of the other doctors in the building where he works. Her name is Dr. Clarence. I would speak to her sometimes when you were talking to Dr. Hicks and I was always back before you were finished so you didn't know."

"Oh."

"I had help enough. I would have wished you did not have to suffer as you did, but, Tim, please stop thinking that you need to apologize to me. I love you. I promised to be with you, no matter what happened in our lives. You tried to get better for me before you did for yourself."

"I don't deserve you," Tim said.

"Yes, you do. And I deserve you. And we both deserve our children. Now, get up and go running," Zahara said, with a smile. "Do you need nostalgia for breakfast today?"

Tim laughed. Ever since he'd first explained the word to her, his dinosaur cereal had become nostalgia. It was how she always referred to it.

"No, but I wouldn't mind an omelet."

"Then, I will make omelets. Now, get up."

Tim smiled and kissed Zahara on the forehead. Then, he got up and quickly got dressed for running. He snuck out of the apartment, trying not to alert Jethro. The dog still tried to come with him when he went out in the mornings, but Tim knew that he couldn't keep up and insofar as a dog could seem hurt by being left behind, Jethro did.

When he got to Rock Creek Park, Norris was there, waiting for him as usual. They really didn't talk much. Tim just felt better having someone right there that he could see was looking out for him. He was getting back into shape, which was good, and he knew he'd need time at the range to get back into the flow of things at work. However, all in all, he was feeling much better.

As they neared the parking lot, Tim slowed down and began to walk.

"I'm back to work today."

"Congratulations," Norris said.

"I hope you don't mind if I still want to have someone running with me," Tim said. "Even if I'm headed back, I still prefer it."

"Don't mind at all. Actually, Agent McGee, I'm technically not on the clock when I've been running with you."

"What?" Tim asked, stopping in his tracks.

Norris stopped as well and smiled.

"I told you that I enjoy running, and I also think you need the help. So I simply got permission to keep running with you as long as you wanted it. It's just become my usual morning exercise. But I'm doing it while keeping an eye out for trouble. Once I'm done here, I go home, get ready for the day and head off to work."

"Oh. Thanks. I'm surprised."

"Because I'm CIA?" Norris asked.

"No... because while I accept that I have guards and I know they're competent and won't let personal feelings interfere with their job, I would assume that any of you who could would avoid me."

"Actually, you're the ideal running buddy, Agent McGee. You focus on the run. You keep up a pretty consistent pace and you don't talk too much."

Tim smiled.

"Well... you're welcome to run with me for as long as you want to," Tim said.

"Sounds like a plan, and if you want to, you can call me Hakeem," he said and then paused for a moment. "My parents really love basketball."

Tim drew a blank and shook his head. Norris laughed.

"Hakeem Olajuwon? One of the best basketball players of all time? So good that they retired his jersey when he retired? Twelve-time NBA All-Star? Michael Jordan said that, if he could pick the center for the all-time best team, Olajuwon would be it."

Tim shrugged. "Sorry... I'm not really a sports person. Probably the only reason I've heard of Michael Jordan is because of the shoes."

Norris laughed again.

"Well, I won't hold it against you. I love sports, but other than running, I'm not really very good at them. Giving me Hakeem Olajuwon's name didn't make me good at basketball, unfortunately. For one thing, I'm really not tall enough."

They reached the parking lot and Tim was surprised to see Levi there. On a Monday.

"Good luck with your first day back, Agent McGee," Norris said. "See you tomorrow."

"Thanks. Hakeem."

Norris grinned and gave a salute. Then, he walked away. Tim took note of his other guards and then walked over to Levi.

"I didn't expect to see you here on a Monday," he said.

"Heard you were heading back to work."

"Did you?"

"Yes. Do you feel ready?"

"Actually, amazingly enough, I do. Like you said, NCIS is where I feel safe. And Tony finally talked to me on Saturday. Cleared the air."

"Good."

"Surprised you care," Tim said.

"You care. So I care for your sake."

Tim sat down beside Levi.

"You don't have do all that, you know."

"I know you don't think I do."

"No, I don't, but really, you don't have to. I know that you're trying to make up for the past, but as I have been told multiple times, you can't change the past. You just have to live for a better future. I can't change what I chose back then, and I can't do anything to fix what I did, but I can try to live a better life, try to be better. And being better doesn't mean destroying yourself. I'd much rather see you just being happy in your life than killing yourself to try to save me when I need it."

"I wasn't killing myself. I did push harder than was strictly wise, but it wasn't a killing effort."

"Uh-huh," Tim said doubtfully.

"I know you won't want to be late on your first day back to work, but I wanted to say good luck."

"Thanks."

Tim stood up.

"Oh, one other thing," Levi said, standing up himself.

"What?"

"Did you sic Dr. Mallard on me?"

Tim felt his brow furrow in complete confusion.

"What?'

Levi smiled. "That answers my question. Thank you. Have good day."

Before Tim could get his mind in gear enough to ask a question of his own, Levi walked away. Tim stared after him. What was Ducky doing? And that had been some very adroit redirection of the conversation, Tim had to admit. Well, just like with Tony, Tim knew he couldn't control what Levi did or how he approached the world, but at least, Tim had been able to say how he felt about it.

So instead of worrying about it any longer, he headed home. When he walked in the door, he could smell omelets cooking.

"Baba!" Salma shouted, also alerting Jethro to his arrival.

"Good morning, Salma," Tim said as she ran over to hug him, Jethro lumbering behind her.

Tim knelt down to hug his daughter and pet his dog. While he loved Salma and was glad that she loved him in return, Tim hoped that they'd get back to the state where his leaving wasn't a cause for anxiety.

"Go and shower, Tim. Breakfast will be ready, soon."

"Okay."

Tim quickly got ready for the day and then, ate breakfast with his family.

"All right, Salma. I have to go to work. I'll see you this evening, okay?"

He could see a little bit of worry in Salma's eyes. She was too young to understand everything and that meant that explaining to her that everything was okay was hard to do, but Tim knelt down once more.

"Will you help mama take care of your baby brother?" Tim asked.

Salma looked like she was thinking hard about it, but then, she nodded.

"Na'am, baba!" she said.

"Good. Give me a hug."

Salma hugged him and kissed him, and Tim kissed Zahara as well. Then, he left and headed to work for the first time since he'd been abducted.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

"You think he'll be late?" Tony asked.

"Not if he can help it," Ziva said. "But I know that Salma was still worrying about him being gone, so it might take him longer to get away from her."

"Yeah."

Then, before anyone could actually get worried, the elevator doors opened and Tim walked in.

"Good morning, guys," he said.

Ziva jumped to her feet and walked over to hug him.

"I am so glad to see you back here, Tim," she said. "Even if I have seen you other places."

Tim laughed. "Thanks."

Then, as if that had been the trigger, all the people in the bullpen came over to welcome Tim back. Gibbs stayed at his desk and watched to make sure that Tim wasn't feeling too overwhelmed by all the outpouring of greetings. However, he did seem to be enjoying the attention for the moment. He was smiling at everyone and letting them say hello. Tony was hanging back a little bit, but he had promised Gibbs that he'd talked to Tim and things were okay. Gibbs knew that all would not be repaired in a single conversation, no matter how productive, but it was a start and if Tony was still being cautious, it was okay for now.

The welcome back lasted for a full twenty minutes, with Abby coming up from her lab, Cybercrimes coming up from the sub-basement, Jimmy coming up from Autopsy, and others from upstairs, leaning over the balcony and calling down a welcome as well.

Finally, people began to disperse, heading back to their daily tasks and Tim reached his own desk. He set his bag down and sat at his desk. For just a moment, he looked around the space and smiled, looking pretty content.

"Glad to be back?" Tony asked.

"Yeah, I am," Tim said.

"Good."

Then, it was down to work with his full team again. Was it a little awkward? Yes, of course. Tim was back after months away trying to recover from a mental breakdown. But Tim was himself. It wasn't like the first time when they brought him back to work, probably before he should have been because they didn't really know how else to manage the situation. At Tim's request, he stayed at his desk that day, but Gibbs didn't see any issues with his performance.

Jenny called Tim up to her office near the end of the day, and while he was gone, Jimmy and Abby came upstairs and Gibbs could see that there was going to be a push to have Tim go out with them. ...and he could see that Tim wasn't ready for it. He got up from his desk, made eye contact with Tony and jerked his head. Tony looked a little confused, but he followed Gibbs to the hallway.

"Yeah, Boss?" he asked.

"Tim's not ready to go out with you guys yet. Give him this week to get adjusted to being back at work before you push him. He hasn't gone out much at all yet and pushing him to a bar wouldn't be good for him when he's still getting back into a routine."

"Why are you telling me this?" Tony asked. "Why not everyone? Tim isn't down here."

"Because you're going to be in charge. That needs to start before you're in charge." Then, Gibbs smiled. "So you can give warnings like this and they'll listen to you."

Tony looked surprised for a moment and then he smiled, too.

"Sure, Boss. Okay."

He walked back to the bullpen and Gibbs walked to the spot he usually used to eavesdrop, and he heard Tony telling everyone that they should give Tim some time to ease back into the flow of things before they dragged him out to a bar. Then, he went one step further and suggested that maybe they could invite Tim and his family to one of their place's for dinner in a day or two, and Gibbs was surprised when Jimmy instantly offered his place because Breena wanted to be able to ooh and aah over Jonathan. There was an enthusiastic agreement, Gibbs was glad to hear Tony being in charge, diplomatically, and going beyond just what he was ordered to do. He was doing what he thought was best.

Then, Gibbs looked up toward the balcony and wished he could eavesdrop on Tim's meeting as easily.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

"...and so you should expect requests for a detailed account of your time in captivity in the next week or so, but up to this point, Bill Joyce and Curtis Jacobs have both accounted for their time and that has given the other agencies plenty to work with," Jenny finished.

"Thank you, ma'am," Tim said. "I'd been wondering why no one had asked for my report yet. I'm glad for the time, but I didn't expect to be given so long before I had to be able to talk about it."

Jenny nodded sympathetically. "I'm sorry that this could happen to you again, Agent McGee. Every time, I hope it's the last one, but something keeps coming up."

Tim suddenly realized that he'd never told anyone at NCIS about what he'd done.

"Actually, Director, you should know that I took steps of my own while I was recovering."

"Meaning?" Jenny asked.

"Meaning that I put out a warning for what people could be bringing on themselves if they decided to try to take me over again."

"What kind of a warning?"

"A warning that everyone who has tried to take control of me in the past is either dead or in prison, and most of them are dead. So for their own sakes, they should consider me to be obsolete," Tim said.

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" she asked. "Some might take that as a challenge."

"I realize that, but I can't deal with this again, Director. They've pushed me too far this time, and I'll push back. As hard as I can. Not as hard as I should, but as hard as I can. I will not accept this again. I won't accept the assault on my psyche. I won't accept the danger to my life. I won't accept the upheaval it causes my family. I have too much to lose. I used to say that I'd have to deal with this until I was obsolete or dead. Well, I can't accept that anymore. Even if it's still true to an extent, I expect people to realize that I should be considered obsolete...or they'll likely be dead," Tim said, knowing his expression was bleak. There was no joy in this. It was grim reality and he wouldn't apologize for it.

He knew that Jenny could see it because she said nothing for a little while. Then, she nodded.

"How did you disseminate this message?"

"I sent copies of it to a number of people I know and asked them to spread it. Regular chatter did the rest. From now on, I'll be monitoring some of the places where people tend to gather to keep an eye on what's being said. I've been avoiding it, thinking that I could be out of sight and out of mind, but I'm not. Since I'm not, I'm going to deal with it head on."

"Be careful, McGee. I understand your position but you could go too far."

"No, you don't understand my position, Director," Tim said, firmly. "With all due respect, while you can sympathize with my situation, you cannot understand what it feels like to be in this situation all the time. And unless I end up killing someone who is innocent, I doubt I'll go too far. The people who come after me are not innocent."

Tim could see that she wanted to argue with him, but this was one area that, no matter how recovered he was, he couldn't budge on. He would not accept dealing with this passively. Not anymore. He was going to be an active participant in maintaining his own protection.

"All right. Be ready for the need to give an account in the next few days. There's no rush, but it will be coming."

Tim nodded. "Thank you, ma'am. Is that everything?"

She nodded.

Tim stood and left the office.

"How are you doing, Tim?" Cynthia asked.

"Okay. Hopefully better as we go along."

She nodded and then leaned forward.

"I saw the message you wrote," she said.

Tim smiled grimly again. "I meant every word."

"I know you did. I think you're right to face it, but just one thing, Tim."

"What?"

"Being stuck in black ops can burn away a lot of the good things people have. If you can, don't let that happen. You're a good person and you have a good life. Don't let this part of it ruin you."

Tim's smile softened. "It's possible, but I'm going to try not to let it."

"Good luck."

"Thanks."

Then, he headed downstairs and saw everyone arrayed by Tony's desk. He hoped they weren't going to ask him to go out and get a drink. He didn't feel ready for that yet.

"Hey, Tim," Tony said. "We figured you wouldn't be in the mood for a big celebration yet, but..."

"...but Breena and I wanted to invite you and Zahara over for dinner," Jimmy said, interrupting. "Maybe Wednesday night? Just dinner at our place."

Tim found himself smiling and feeling almost normal. He let out a breath he hadn't realized he was holding.

"That sounds good. I'll talk to Zahara tonight and let you know tomorrow morning."

"Great!" Jimmy said, giving a thumbs up.

Then, everyone began to shuffle out, and Tim walked back to his desk to sit down and take a breath before leaving himself. He leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes for a few seconds. He knew that Jenny didn't like that he was admitting that he'd go farther than he probably should to protect himself should this happen again. But it was true. Surviving three times didn't mean he'd survive a fourth. What it really meant was that he was more likely to break yet again.

"McGee?"

Tim opened his eyes and sat up. Gibbs was looking at him.

"Yeah?"

"How did it go today?"

"It was fine."

"Full tomorrow?"

Tim thought about it and then shook his head.

"Could you give me another day or two?"

"Yeah."

It occurred to Tim then, that if Jenny knew about his ultimatum, Gibbs should know about it, too. He wasn't sure about telling everyone, but Gibbs should know. And he shouldn't put it off.

"I need to go home first, but could I come over to your place? I need to tell you something."

Gibbs' eyebrow went up, but he just nodded.

"Thanks, Boss."

Then, Tim gathered his stuff and headed home. When he opened the door, he smelled beef tagine, and he knew that Zahara was doing something special for his first day back.

"I'm home!" he called out.

"Baba!" Salma shouted excitedly and ran to him.

Jethro loped slowly over as well. Zahara came out of the bedroom, carrying Jonathan.

"How was your first day?" she asked as she kissed him.

"It was pretty good. I think everyone in the building came to say hello."

"You are important to them, Tim."

"I'm not really, not at NCIS."

"No. You are important. Not what you can do. They are glad to see you, not to see what you can do. And you are important to me. Dinner is not ready yet. You could take Jethro out."

"Okay. Would you mind if I went over to talk to Gibbs after?"

Zahara's brow furrowed. "Did you not have time to talk to him today?"

"Yeah, but I realized that I never told him about what I did, the letter I wrote, and he should know."

"Oh, I see. Yes, that's fine, but you should not stay long." She smiled mischievously. "I will miss you."

Tim laughed a little and then got Salma to let go of his leg and went back into the bedroom to change, nearly tripping over the bassinet as he did.

We really need to move.

He kept thinking it, but he kept not doing anything about it. But he changed his clothes quickly and went out to get Jethro.

"Salma, I'm going to walk Jethro. Do you want to come out with me?" he asked.

"Yes, baba!" Salma said.

"Remember that you have to stay with your baba," Zahara said. "It is getting dark and you need to stay close."

"Yes, mama."

Salma grabbed Tim's hand while he clipped Jethro's leash on. It was hardly necessary, but it was the law, and if Jethro did get startled or something, he could easily start running, even if he wouldn't run far. Tim went outside and felt a little anxiety but it was a shadow of his earlier fear. He walked for about a block and then Salma said she was tired, so Tim got her up on his back and she started chattering in his ear. He caught about one word in ten but that was okay.

When they got back to the apartment, Zahara was setting out dinner.

"Perfect timing, Salma. It's time to eat!" Tim said, getting her off his back. "Go and sit at the table while I feed Jethro."

Salma ran to the table and started to clap. Tim fed Jethro and then sat down beside her, mostly to help make sure that she didn't waste the delicious meal by spilling it all over the floor. Zahara put Jonathan in a little bouncy seat they'd purchased so he could be part of the family even if he wasn't contributing much yet.

As they ate together, Tim felt that this was the best part of his life.

I have to fight to keep this.