Chapter 32

Tim opened his eyes when he heard the bathroom door close. It was morning. What time, he didn't know, but there was light outside. He was glad. He'd slept, but as he had somewhat expected, the doldrums had brought on some irregular sleep patterns. He might have to let Tony drive mostly today. He didn't really want to, but it might end up being necessary depending on how quickly his energy flagged. However, they weren't in any rush this morning. The graduation wasn't until later and they couldn't get the boys until then.

So why get up now?

Tim rolled over and closed his eyes again, hoping to get some more sleep.

After a few minutes, he did feel himself relaxing again and he was almost asleep when the bathroom door opened. The sound startled him a little bit, but he tried to stay still and hope that Tony wouldn't decide it was time for him to be up right now. He could still get a little more sleep.

It stayed quiet.

Tim tried to go to sleep, but then, he started worrying about what Tony was doing and whether or not he was feeling impatient. Irritated at himself, he tried to let that go and relax since it was obvious that Tony wasn't going to wake him up. ...but no. Now, that he'd thought of the possibility that Tony might be wishing he was up, Tim couldn't possibly go back to sleep. Mentally kicking himself, he rolled over and opened his eyes.

And then, he mentally kicked himself again.

Tony looked like he had got back in bed. Tim looked at the clock and it wasn't even six a.m. yet. The sun wasn't up. It was just less dark. They hadn't thought to close the heavy blackout curtain.

Doubly-irritated, Tim rolled back over and tried to relax once more. He wasn't sure how long it took, but he started to get rid of his tension the longer he stayed still. As he lay there, his thoughts from the day before began to flit through his mind in the vague way that being half-asleep creates. It bounced around from Gibbs to Tony to himself to Tommy to Daniel, back home to the rest of his family, all over the place, each topic vaguely connected to the one before. How, Tim couldn't really say, but in his half-asleep brain, it was perfectly clear.

And then, as he had feared, it shifted from vague thoughts to vague nightmares. Dearing, Allison Jenkins, the faked kidnapping began to take over and he started to struggle to get out of the dream.

He was stuck fast in it. He couldn't open his eyes, no matter how much he wanted to. He seemed paralyzed, unable to escape. Part of him knew it was just a dream, but most of him was starting to panic that he couldn't get out of it.

"Tim, wake up."

The voice was welcome, but he couldn't open his eyes to see who it was.

"Come on, Tim. Time to wake up. Open your eyes."

There was a light tap on his face. For some reason, that broke through all the bindings and Tim opened his eyes, sitting up quickly and looking around for...

"Tony," he said, breathlessly.

Tony looked a little concerned, but this time, Tim didn't care. He just focused on trying to get rid of that dream...or that series of dreams. He breathed deeply and tried to reconnect with the real world around him.

"You okay?" Tony asked.

"Yeah," Tim said, vaguely.

"Bad dreams?"

"Yeah," Tim said again.

"Tim?"

"Yeah?"

Tony laughed a little.

"Focus, please. What was it you were dreaming?"

Tim blinked a little as the miasma of images faded to their rightful places in his subconscious mind.

"Bits and pieces of the same old," he mumbled. "Don't really want to talk about it. What time is it?"

"Maybe you should," Tony said. "It's after eight."

"Good. I can get up, then," Tim said. "The dreams aren't anything new, Tony. I don't need to discuss them every time they happen. You need the bathroom?"

"Nope. I'm fine. I'll bet you don't discuss them every time."

"No, I don't. I'll be out in a minute."

Then, Tim walked into the bathroom and closed the door. No matter what Tony said, he did not want to be discussing things with Tony right now. Not the morning before they picked up Tommy and Daniel and had to keep things as light as possible. He didn't want to talk about the nightmares he still had, the new ones he was now having, what they might mean, or anything like that. He just wanted to set the dreams aside and look forward to seeing his son.

As he got ready for the day, he was able to relax a little. He took a little longer in the bathroom than he would have normally, but it gave him the time he needed to calm down.

When he left the bathroom, he just hoped that Tony would leave it. Even though the diagnosis wasn't new, Tim still hated being told that his lingering problems were actually PTSD. It made him feel weak because he wasn't a soldier coming back from war. He wasn't anything special. He'd just had a bad experience and he should be able to let it go.

...but the plain fact of the matter was that he couldn't, not completely. Not yet. Maybe not ever. He hated it, but he had to admit it. He just didn't want to have to harp on it all the time.

Tony didn't say anything as he walked by Tim to go into the bathroom. Tim was glad, but they had hours to go before heading to Kennedy. He focused his attention on making sure he had everything, including his souvenirs all neatly packed away.

He heard Tony come out and he continued to studiously check his things.

Then, Tony laughed.

"How long are you going to pretend you're packing, Tim?"

Tim straightened and turned around.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Yeah, right. We were only here overnight, not for a week. You barely took anything out of your bag. So you're fine."

"Yes. I am," Tim said, significantly.

Tony sat down.

"Tim, my knowing that your doctor said you have PTSD doesn't make me think any less of you."

"Good," Tim said, still not wanting to get into it. He turned back to his bag.

"So stop trying to ignore things."

Tim spun back around. "I'm not! Tony, I live with this every day! Yes, there are times when it's worse than usual and I need help, but this is not that time. I'm fine! I had a nightmare. It happens. A lot. I'm not ignoring it. I'm putting it to the side because I can this time. I can't always, but this time I can. Please, just let me set it aside."

Tony raised an eyebrow at him. Tim just stared at him, silently begging him to let him escape it this time.

"Okay. As long as you're telling the truth this time and you aren't trying to just deal with something on your own that you know you can't."

"I'm not doing that."

"Okay." Tony suddenly smiled. "Then, stop pretending to pack."

Tim couldn't help it. He laughed and then closed his bag.

"How about breakfast?" Tim suggested.

"Okay. Let's do that."

"Where should we go?"

"Here?"

"Nah. Let's branch out."

Tony smiled and pulled out his phone. He started to search.

"Sunrise Diner, about half a mile from here?"

"Sure. Sounds good. Let's do it," Tim said.

"In a hurry?"

"Yeah. It's already late and I'm hungry."

"Shouldn't have slept so late, then," Tony said.

"Yep. My fault. Let's go."

"You want to walk?"

"First thing in the morning? Absolutely."

"We'd get there faster if we drove."

"We can walk off the calories we're going to eat," Tim said.

He started to pretend to push Tony out of the room.

"Let's go!"

"Okay, okay. Sheesh. You'd think you'd never eaten before."

"I've forgotten," Tim said.

Tony stopped resisting, and Tim stopped pushing. They left the room and walked to the diner. It looked like an old-fashioned diner, and the menu was just like that, too. It looked great to Tim. He really was feeling hungry.

"What are you going to get?" Tony asked.

"A stack of pancakes, maybe with a side of hashbrowns. You?"

"I'm thinking an omelet."

"What kind?"

"Oooh, I'm going Mediterranean. And I'll get a side of home fries."

"Okay."

They both ordered. Tim got milk along with his usual coffee, and Tony ordered orange juice along with his coffee. This wasn't a gourmet place. It was basically a typical American breakfast, even though Tony's omelet was Mediterranean. All in all, it was nice to have something simple and filling. Tim enjoyed it and while they ate, they talked about the route they would take to get back to D.C. Tim was glad that Tony seemed to have taken him seriously in his request to let him set aside the nightmare. It was allowing him to start dislodging the weight in his stomach that had settled in with Gibbs' first appearance and hadn't really ever been allowed to dissipate fully. But now, Tim could honestly say it seemed to be getting better. And if he was right, Tony seemed to be lightening up a bit, too.

They lingered over breakfast, not in any kind of a rush, and then, headed back to the hotel. They took a meandering route, not hurrying at all, and they went back to the beach without even talking about it. It was about mid-morning now, and there were a lot of people out, enjoying the sand and the water. They walked along toward the hotel, and Tim still felt bad about how this trip had turned out. No matter what Tony said, this was different because Tim wasn't in dire straits and he still had managed to ruin things. Even when Tony's dad had died, they'd still had a lot of fun. Tony didn't ruin things when his life took difficult turns. Meanwhile, Tim could ruin it just by being there.

"Knock it off, Tim."

"Huh?"

"I can see it by the expression on your face, you're mentally kicking yourself again," Tony said. "Knock it off."

Tim looked over at Tony, but Tony was just looking out at the ocean. Tim didn't know what to say to that because Tony was absolutely right, but Tim didn't think they needed to talk about it yet again.

"If you want to set aside your nightmares, set that stuff aside, too. It'll make it easier," Tony said. "For both of us."

Tim didn't like that kind of blackmail, but he knew it was true, too. That's what was so frustrating about when he got into these funks. It wasn't that he didn't know it would be better for everyone if he just dropped it.

"I can't," he said, finally, hating to admit it but trying to do what he knew he should. "The nightmares are easier."

"That figures. Only you would find it easier to set aside nightmares of the worst times in your life than to set aside this stupid idea that you ruined our trip."

Interestingly enough, Tony didn't sound upset himself. A little resigned, yes, but not upset. And Tim didn't think he was pretending. Was it just that this was so depressingly normal that...

"Why can't you?" Tony asked, interrupting another litany before it could really get going.

"I don't know," Tim admitted. "It's just easier to believe."

"Well, stop taking the easy way out, then."

"Sometimes, it's just better because it's easier," Tim said.

This whole conversation was weird, Tim decided. Neither of them were expressing any real emotion. It was like they were discussing the weather, not Tim's mental health. It was so calm. It was just weird.

"How much of this does Delilah know?"

"Most of it."

"What about Dr. Bourning?"

"Pretty much all of it."

"What does he say?"

"That I should try to fight against what's easier to believe, but he knows sometimes, I just don't want to."

"And?"

"And as long as I keep trying, it's okay to slip sometimes...but I had really hoped I wouldn't on this trip. I'd been doing so much better, even with that... case. I had hoped that it would be the perfect time to go...and not make you have to do anything for me besides ease off on some of the plans."

"It was working, you know."

"I know. I just didn't think that seeing Gibbs again would be enough to ruin it."

"It wasn't. There was some damage but nothing was permanently ruined."

"Are you sure?" Tim asked...suddenly realizing that, no matter what Tony was thinking, he was thinking about more than just the trip. Was this enough to make Tony give up? But he didn't ask, didn't make it specific.

"Positive. Remember that you don't give up on family, Tim."

Tim glanced over and saw a smile on Tony's face. He knew what Tony was thinking. This was one of the "lessons" Tim had given him on their last road trip, and he knew that Tony was feeling a little bit of satisfaction at being able to turn Tim's lecture back on him. So he knew what Tim meant.

Finally, Tim stopped and faced Tony directly.

"I know it's hard being my friend, Tony. It's even harder being my family sometimes. I don't want to make your life miserable."

Tony smiled a little and put his hands on Tim's shoulders.

"You haven't made my life miserable, Tim. That's what you need to realize. Even if this trip was ruined...which I say it wasn't and since apparently I'm all that matters, then, you have to listen to me when I say that... even if this trip was ruined, it's a week. One week doesn't ruin everything. It doesn't make every moment hard. It doesn't make the whole year difficult. It really doesn't. So just take a breath and relax. Let that worry go along with your nightmares...because it's really not as bad as you seem to think it is. My life has not been ruined just because there were a couple of lackluster days."

"I'll try," Tim said...and that was really all he could promise.

"Good. I'll take that. Now, let's get back to the hotel. We should probably plan on getting over to Kennedy early so we can find a spot to park and a spot to sit. I have no idea how many people will be at this thing."

"Me, neither."

"Okay. Let's go."

Tim nodded and they went back to the hotel, gathered their stuff and headed off to what would be the last leg of the trip, with the boys in the car again.