(A/N) Long ass chapter guys, that's why it took so long, but there was no good place to split it. Anyways, the big meet! hope you enjoy it! I'm taking a day off after this. Just one, I promise.

Sound track: beginning of chapter is Flora Cash- You're Somebody Else and end of chapter is Two Feet- Lost the Game

Chapter 31

Well, shit. Renji sat and stared at Mara's stone face. It was surreal being on the receiving end of this non-look. He had seen her levy it against a perceived enemy so many times. He had remarked on it. He had been impressed by it. He had never faced her version of nothing and it left him so damn empty. It was like she wasn't even her. Wasn't his Ippin. How could he have messed up so badly so quickly?

Taking a deep breath, Renji smoothed the stray strands of his ponytail back with a large hand. He could get past this. He hoped that he could get past this. "Alright… Mara, I think we got off on the wrong foot," he said congenially, offering a shadow of a smile

Mara didn't move except to raise her eyebrows. Ya' think.

"We did in the real world, too," he offered up, trying to spark something in the dead eyes staring him down.

There was no change, no acknowledgement from the small woman. He could only hope that the fact that her eyebrows were still raised meant that she was interested. Maybe. Just a little bit.

Renji let out a small, frustrated sigh. "Can't we at least just have a conversation?"

Are you kidding me right now? Mara thought incredulously, You just proved that you are an ENEMY and you want a conversation?! Mara fought against any movement that would give away her outrage. "No."

"Look, you're here to learn about your history and god!- I want you to know it, too. Can we not even get that done?" Renji leaned forward in his seat, resting his elbows on his knees and splaying his hands in appeal.

Was he pleading with her? He sure looked like he was pleading with her. This also seemed out of character. Did this man not even have a character to get out of? "And orders," Mara added, sighing internally.

"Fuck orders," Renji said emphatically, rolling his eyes as he reclined back in his chair.

"You should be thankful for those orders, Renji," Mara replied, drawing his name out into a sneer, "They are all that is keeping me here. I'm more interested in fulfilling this obligation and leaving."

Well, that's a fucking problem, Renji thought. He had to get her interested, had to keep her here. She could call off this meeting at any time and she knew it. She needed to be drawn in, won over, challenged… Now that was an idea! Challenge her, even if was disguised as simple petulance. "No, you aren't."

Damn him. She narrowed her eyes at Renji who was now smirking through his half-lidded eyes where he reclined. They crinkled at the corners in a smile even if his full mouth with those kissable lips didn't betray him. Damn him and fuck me. "Fine," she conceded haughtily, "a part of me does want to know a few things, but I'm not so sure that I still do now."

"You think you won't like what you hear?" Renji asking lightly.

Mara couldn't resist the small eyeroll she gave at his taunting as she turned her head to study something other than the man in front of her. God, he was disconcerting in the weirdest way. This laid-back attitude, even if it was feigned, got under her skin. This banter, this wasn't the first time it had happened. She may not remember more than that one snip of conversation but she knew this ease, this back and forth they seemed to be falling into, could only come from extensive experience. "I KNOW I won't like it," she sighed.

I wonder what has her off her game? She was never this easy to bait before, Renji thought, though he remained guarded. "You can't know without hearing it," he replied, the challenge clear in his voice.

I caught that, Mara realized, snapping back to reality from the distraction wrapped in a pretty package of muscles and tattoos in front of her. He baited her with a challenge, but he had to remember that he stood something to lose if this didn't pan out. They needed to come to an arrangement on this 'conversation' before he succeeded in getting under her skin again. "Yeah, I can," Mara said airily, "but you can't walk away so easily. Wont your captain be angry if you don't get their information, Lieutenant?"

Renji narrowed his eyes at her implication- and use of that damn title. He could handle Byakuya, he was relatively sure, but he didn't feel like having to fight a captain to the death the next day either. Damn her. "Probably," Renji said, unable to fully contain the snarl in his voice, "Fine. How about a trade?"

God, it's like catching a puppy with a steak. He really had me off, Mara realized as she raised her eyebrows wordlessly, prompting Renji to continue with what he was saying.

"I'll ask a question, then you. Like a game," Renji said tentatively. He didn't trust that Mara's face was still blank. If only he could tell what was in her head. "That way," he continued, "we each get what we have to have." But will we get what we actually need?

Think you can play a game with me? Alright... Mara allowed herself to smirk at his pensive expression. It was like he knew this game was stacked against him even though they hadn't started playing yet. He couldn't back out now, though, she had to keep him thinking he had a leg to stand on still. "It seems a little unfair," she remarked with feigned reluctance.

"How?" Renji asked quickly, taken aback slightly.

"My list is longer," Mara answered definitively.

"You don't know my list," Renji purred back disconcertingly.

So you think, Abarai, Mara thought with a smirk. "Mmm," she hummed knowingly, "Okay, fine."

Mara's mind jumped to catch up, however, as she thought about their little deal. Dealing with him had taken an interesting turn. He was hard to pin and those piercing eyes seemed to make her very soul shake. Taking a deep breath, Mara re-centered herself against his influence. His tone couldn't get to her. She was good at games and puzzles. Now that she had proven she could bend him; it wouldn't take long to break him and his patterns. Of course, then she doubted that he would continue to answer her questions… Should she start light or hit hard? Ask what she really wanted to know or make sure he would tell the truth first?

"Me first, then," Renji declared. He knew he sounded cocky. He felt like he was already ready. This was just like Byakuya- start easy and hook. "Do you remember anything from before you came here?"

"Nope."

"Nothing?" Renji asked incredulously, "Really?" It was at that moment that Renji realized that this wasn't in his control as much as he had thought. Mara had realized, by giving her no parameters on the game that she had an easy out with non-answers. It also reminded him that this would not be like Byakuya. At all. After all, she had been who he had used to model his and Byakuya's verbal chess matches these past weeks.

"That's another question," Mara said with a cold smirk, "My turn."

"Gonna play it like that?" Renji fought a laugh, torn between surprise and admiration. God, she was feisty.

"Also another question," she informed him with infuriating calm.

Renji rolled eyes but couldn't fight the grin that spread across his face. There she is. "Fine," he ceded, "you go."

Mara seemed to ponder for a moment, deliberately nibbling her lip. She was surprised to note how his eyes shot to her mouth and desire filled his eyes. At least now she knew it didn't just go one way. She waited until he dragged his eyes back to hers before posing her question. "Why did I come in through Byakuya's garden gate instead of appearing in the rukongai?" Mara noticed his eyes widen slightly at the unexpected question. This was a truth teller. If Byakuya's report was accurate, then he did it because opening the main senkaimon during battle was impossible. Could he be trusted to answer his questions?

The question was odd but Renji knew it gave him an opportunity of some kind, even if it wasn't the one she was gunning for. Two can play at your game, Ippin. "Because I sent you there," Renji quipped.

Oh, game on. Mara didn't dignify his answer with a reply other than to narrow her eyes in challenge.

"My turn now?" Renji asked, still sporting his self-satisfied grin.

"Yup," Mara said pertly, her eyes snapping amber of laughter even if her face hadn't betrayed her yet.

"You really don't remember anything at all, not even small bits?" Renji asked in a deceptively light tone. He was fighting himself to keep from pleading. From begging. From screaming. He needed to know.

Mara's smirk finally touched her lips. "Technically, that's your second question in a row. Again."

Of fucking course she would. Renji wanted to scream so hard at the non-answer that it came out as a deep belly laugh, shocking them both. "Smart ass," Renji accused, shaking his head to calm himself, "Stickler."

"You aren't," Mara threw back, grin more distinct now in reaction to the unexpected mirth he had brought to the room, "Surprise, surprise."

Renji watched her closely, hoping not to lose her smile. It was a shadow of what used to shine at him, but it was something. Even her dry sarcasm was a welcome relief from the stone he had originally been facing. "You used to not be either," he said lowly.

"Hm," Mara said in acknowledgement, mostly to herself. She guessed she could see that. Was her first instinct at the jeering crowds in the academy not to break some rules and shut them up? Did she not just manipulate most of the captains in Seireitei to get this meeting? "Ok, I'll honor your question in return for the unwarranted info," she finally said with a small smile, "I have flashes of memory, feelings… they aren't even really things I'm conscious of."

"It's random things like my coffee order and the lyrics to songs. Only a few true bouts of memory have hit- in a hospital with a doctor I don't know. A flash right before falling in a white void" Mara ticked off on her fingers while studiously avoiding 'you are loved part' of that one, "and you telling me about senbonzakura. You aren't the only one to survive you know."

Renji narrowed his eyes at her less-than-vieled hint. "I had his bankai unleashed on me," he growled, "that wasn't anything. And I never said I was the only one to survive. But it so rare that it might as well be never."

Silence answered him in return to his rising ire. Mara made no move, no response.

"Your turn," Renji sighed, prompting her forward.

"Why did you go to hueco mundo?" She asked shortly. It was truth time again. She wanted to see if he would really answer her in full now that she had actually given something.

Surprised, Renji's eyebrows shot up again. Her questions seemed to be coming from left field. "You've researched me," he remarked with a curious tilt to his head.

"Duh," Mara deadpanned.

"To save Inoue Orihime," he answered shortly, looking at her intently, "My friend. Yours too."

Not only are you a liar, but you can do it looking in my eye. Unforgivable. Thank you for reminding me that this is not a conversation. "A lie by omission still a lie, Renji," Mara said softly, enigmatically, "but okay."

Confused, Renji looked at Mara through narrowed eyes. She didn't even bother to look at him. What on earth did she think he was lying about?

"Your turn," Mara said dejectedly, before adding as an afterthought, "Extra info won't get you more turns anymore."

"Can't blame me for trying," Renji tried to joke, but it fell flat as Mara did no more than turn her head back to face him. It sure felt like she was blaming him for something with her glare. "What triggers your memories?" he asked with a sigh, rubbing the back of his head and inadvertently displaying his taught chest and bulging biceps.

Mara simply responded with a shrug, not trusting her voice to not give away the lust in her at seeing the play of muscle along the large man's body. Leave it to an ass to look like fucking Adonis, she thought dourly.

Renji sighed tiredly again. "Not an acceptable answer."

Echoing his sigh, Mara finally eased into the chair across from him. She didn't trust herself not to leave the room after knowing he would handle this trade by lying. Still, she had to try to give adequate answers on her end in the hope of at least some useful information.

Renji watched her as she fell into the chair- biting her lip. At least she was thinking, he supposed, but damn did that little motion make him want to kiss her. 'Upon pain of death, swift and immediate' had been the threat if he touched her, but what a way to go…

"Words," Mara said softly, pulling Renji from his reverie, "Specific words that match memories seem to set it off."

She could see how Renji perked up at a chance of her remembering. "Don't get your hopes up," she said dryly, reading his response correctly, "Its only sometimes. Quite rarely in fact."

"Beach!" Renji blurted out.

Mara couldn't hide her surprise and confusion fast enough. What on- "What?"

"I'm trying it," Renji said excitedly, "Hat and clogs!"

"Uh-huh…" Mara said, wary of his exuberance.

Renji leaned forward on the edge of his chair. "Hospital, Ishida, sushi, Mrs. Yamaya… North Carolina!"

"Stop," Mara ordered with a groan, "Besides I've heard… most of those… at least once since I have been here."

"Worth a shot," Renji pouted, leaning back again.

"My turn," Mara stated, sitting up straighter.

"Nope," Renji quipped dryly, "you asked 'what'."

Mara couldn't fight the small grin that threatened her shattering mask. He had balls, she would give him that. It was definitely like he had done this with her before, like they had enjoyed it. "Smart ass," she said with a small smile.

It's small but it is, in fact, a real smile. Hot damn. "But not an ass," he replied obligingly, "Go ahead with your next question."

Eying Renji intently, Mara decided that he had become entirely too comfortable. So had she, if she was being honest with herself. E-N-E-M-Y, girl. Enemy! Stop this shit, she chastised herself. It was time to throw him off his game. "Who is Rukia?" She asked innocently.

What the actual fuck? "Byakuya's sister," he replied automatically, watching her eyes harden again as he spoke. Damn it, what the hell was up with these questions? Renji sighed deeply and searched for a fleck of life in Mara's eyes. Something. Anything. All he could see in the sad tilt of her brow and rapidly darkening amber flecks was… sadness and disappointment. She knew he wasn't telling the whole truth. C'mon, Abarai, man up! You did it once… "She was someone I loved my whole life. And she left me, betrayed me… I doubt she will ever talk to me again," he said lowly, not breaking eye contact, "She was a girl who left me destroyed- before you came along and built me again."

Nothing showed on her face but inside Mara was fluttering. The truth written on his face. But then why was she alone? For the love of all things holy, why did he leave her alone!? She wanted to cry, wanted to beg him for an answer. Its too soon, Mara. Don't let him know he hit you, he will just use it against you. Unforgivable.

So Mara turned to the only defense she had, turn it all off. Don't let yourself even feel. Don't reveal your cards, she brutally instructed herself. "Your turn," Mara said tonelessly.

She's shutting down. Crap. "What did you see in your memory in the academy," Renji asked quickly, desperately trying to make it personal again. He had seen her lapse into turning her feelings off before a few times, though normally in a response to pain. Her walls were damn near unbreakable. He had to disrupt her building them before they were up.

"I was sitting on a chair outside somewhere. I think it was a café chair. They had some similar at the café I went to in District 1 in the rukongai. I was reading a magazine, but I don't know what it said and I was trying to pronounce 'Senbonzakura'. I couldn't see you across from me, but I know it was you because you were messing with my anklet and I saw the tattoos. My feet were on your knee.m,, very fear-inducing. You laughed at me and flicked my foot and explained that they were blades. 'A thousand small blades that shine like flower petals, able to cut from any angle, flowing too fast to fend off' is what you said and that it was too long to use as a name for a sword.

You called me 'Ippin'- that was another way I knew it was you. You verified that You had lived through it and said it was the first ever sign of respect you got from Byakuya," Mara recited tonelessly. She had described this to Hisagi and Grimmjow so many times it was just rote.

Renji's face fell as he heard her explanation, but he nodded at her answer. She was just so… dispassionate. Wait- her anklet. It was still tied to Zabimaru's hilt to return to her. He had had such high hopes when he put it there. It had given him such courage. Now, he guessed, she would never want it back. Never want him back.

"How did we meet?" Mara finally asked after receiving no response. She watched Renji, moved by the sadness he let play over his features. He seemed so flippant at moments, so sure… the tortured look didn't seem to belong on that chiseled face.

Finally, something really about us, Renji thought with a fleeting happiness. But Mara was still stone. A beautiful sculpture had replaced his Ippin and, just like the ones in those damn museums she dragged him to, he could neither touch nor connect to her. He had to make her interested, had to make her want to know as much as he wanted her to know. "Which time?" he asked vaguely.

Ha! There! It was so minute a movement that only someone who knew her well, which Renji did, would notice the furrow in her brow, the questioning glint in her eye.

"It's not your turn to question," Mara said icily, trying to hide her intrigue.

"All of them then," Renji conceded with a smirk, preening at the success of his small lead-on, "We saw each other for months but didn't speak. It was a standoff in silence; neither one of us acknowledged the other even though we were well aware of each other. You didn't approach me and I thought you couldn't see me."

Renji sighed deeply as he watched Mara following along with rapt attention even if she thought she was succeeding in hiding it. "The day the hollows attacked… something was different than before. I had been pining over Rukia in the sunrise when the light caught you and I just- God, you were so damn beautiful you took my breath away. Then hollows attacked our café and I realized you could in fact see me. You were hurt saving a kid and I saw you- really saw you. You were frozen in fear but you still leapt to save that boy. Even though you knew it would hurt you.

I watched them load you up and take you to the hospital and I saw how damn frail you were, how hurt, and how big your heart must actually be. I couldn't stay away from the hospital after that until you finally caught me. That's when we really talked and you began questioning me."

"About what?" Mara asked breathlessly.

Keep her engaged, Renji instructed himself, but the game is still going. "Not your turn, Ippin," he said gently.

Ass. "I said don't call me that," Mara said petulantly.

"Tough shit," Renji retorted, "It's what you are." She was His Ippin, dammit. He could tell when he spoke of them that she felt SOMETHING.

Not anymore, Mara thought angrily, unforgivable. Pursing her lips, Mara took control of herself again- damn touchy-feely story got under her skin- and the flash of anger was gone as quick as it came. "Ask your damn question," she ordered him stoicly.

Too stiff. Too stoic. That's what she meant when she said she could tell I was upset by my lack of upset, Renji realized. "What's with your rietsu surges? Why are they happening?"

"It seems to come out when I remember things- a leftover from life maybe. I'm told that I am basically rietsu-less otherwise," Mara responded quickly, anxious for her turn and not bothering to hide it, "Now, what did I question you about?"

Smiling at her sadly, Rengi reached for her arm, catching himself at the last minute and pulling his hand back. It was like her porcelain skin called to him to touch it. He vaguely noted that she hadn't pulled away, even as close as he had gotten, but he didn't let himself dwell on it. Didn't allow himself hope. "You were very sick," he told her quietly, "You were dying and scared. You wanted to know what to expect."

Sadness. He could read it in her eyes plain as day. He didn't connect the same parallel in his mind that she had in hers: she was still scared and didn't know what to expect. She may not be sick now, but she was still being acted on my something she couldn't control.

But Renji saw enough to spare her the pain of having to respond. "Alright," he said with an uncomfortable cough, "How powerful are you?"

Mara didn't look up from where his hand rested so near her. He had almost touched her. He had almost comforted her knowing it was an immediate death sentence. The most surprising part was that it felt right to have him reach out to her. She could feel the heaviness of his hand on hers without a touch. For some reason she could smell cinnamon and salt lingering in the air and it calmed her.

Finally, Mara turned her eyes back to his and shrugged, leaning back away from him in her chair.

Renji fixed her with pointed stare.

"I don't know," Mara groaned with a frustrated eye roll, "I don't even know how to measure that. Fairly powerful? Fat lot of good it does me. Only comes out with memories which are few and far between."

Mara nibbled her lip before adding, "Grimmjow says I am very powerful- that a lot is hidden."

"The fucking hollow," Renji said with a sneer, "how reliable."

"Well, he has actually been there for me since I got here, so I would call him very reliable," Mara said tightly, "He would die for me, as you decided to test. Hell, he would kill for me- which you may still test."

Renji could feel the red beginning to fill his vision again. She was defending the fucking hollow? To him!? "He's an espada!"

"And?!" Mara retorted, her voice rising high in tension.

"Did nothing I taught you stick?" Renji snarled, levelling his piercing glare heavily on her.

Taught me? Thank you for confirming that bit at least, Mara cataloged in her head, this familiarity is because I was told it all before by him, even the information about individual members. Of course, she had suspected that along with Hisagi and Grimmjow, but it was always nice to work in definites. Her mention of the espada was a trick she would have to remember to keep him on edge, too. Renji's dislike seemed to go beyond the fact that shinigami versus hollow was a tale as old as time.

"It's not you turn," Mara said disinterestedly, "But no."

Ire rose from deep in the depths of Renji's heart as he watched Mara inspect her nails nonchalantly. Like she didn't just defend an espada, the same thing that broke them apart. Like she didn't just dismiss their time together as nothing noteworthy. Then she just stood there like a manicure was more important.

Or did she? For some reason the motion made him think of Matsumoto. It was something she did to feign unfeeling when upset. He had gotten to her- of course it was over the hollow who was out to make his life a living hell, but still… it was something. "Go then," Renji said, snarl calming back to a purr that gave Mara goosebumps. And he knew it.

Holy Balls, how does he manage to sound like dangerous velvet? What the hell is wrong with my hormones right now? Mara mentally berated herself yet again. She had to keep her head in the game. He had been so angry. Surely, he couldn't be calm so suddenly. He needed to be raw, stripped so that he couldn't hide her truths. Hit him. "How did I die?" Mara asked blandly, meeting his eyes.

There it was. The pain, the hurt, the bone-aching sadness came and went in a flash. It was so strong that she could feel it her soul. She watched his cocky attitude drop away, leaving despair in its wake, before he slid the mask on. Before he tried to, anyways.

"You were sick." Renji answered shortly.

"Yeah, yeah," Mara groaned, "I know that." She waved her arm, displaying the medical tattoo on her arm. "Name: Mara Oliviera, age: 25, diagnosis-"

"26," Renji interrupted her quietly.

What?- "26?"

Renji cleared his throat and the memories washed over him, making him want to laugh and cry all at once. "You were 26."

"Kind of short sighted for me to get a tattoo that would become inaccurate," Mara quipped, deflecting her surprise into an accusing look at her now invalid tattoo.

"You weren't supposed to hit 26," Renji elaborated, "so not really."

"But I did hit it…" Mara whispered, mostly to herself, though Renji could hear the longing in her voice. This was something she hadn't known, something he was giving her about herself that no one else could. In her weak voice and furrowed brow was where hope lived.

"You never did do what was expected of you," Renji told her with a small smile holding so much warmth that his eyes shone at her with it. "You turned 26 three weeks before you died. I snuck you out of the hospital to go to our park to spend just a bit of time away from the machines. I even brought you your favorite sushi from Okinawa for it."

Mara blinked her eyes quickly, betting away the moisture that was trying to gather there. Damn him. And damn that look he keeps giving me. "I probably died of tainted fish, then, from the trip it took to get it back to me," she said sarcastically.

"Nope. Flash step is a wonderful thing. I got that whole order back in 12 minutes," Renji declared, cockiness taking over his smile, "I'd say it was probably the 4th fastest I'd run in my entire life."

"How kind," Mara acknowledged with an eye roll.

"My top speed was 2 days before you died," Renji recounted, smile fading.

Mara watched as his emotions played just under the surface. She may just get her answers, real and unfiltered like she had wanted, now that he was full to bursting with memories and feeling. Mara looked at him pointedly. "Which you still haven't told me about," she led.

Renji's mouth chiseled into a hard frown, muscle in his jaw ticking. "I don't like to talk about it."

"Your comfort wasn't a part of the deal, Renji," she said impatiently.

Leaning his elbows on his knees, Renji rubbed his face. His tattooed fingers pressed together like a prayer as he looked around the edges of the room, trying to bring himself back under control before dropping both his hands and his gaze back to his lap. "It was a rough night and we… you pulled me to bed and comforted me, but you didn't wake up in the morning," Renji ground out, never looking up from his hands in his lap, "I couldn't wake you up. I ran all over that damn city looking for Ishida and Inoue, but they couldn't do anything. You went into a coma."

As Renji trailed off, barely able to control his whispered voice, Mara fought to keep her mask up. She wanted to reach for him. He sounded so hurt; he couldn't even look at her. It moved her heart. The sight seemed so strange- this man was so powerful but so broken. She waited for him to finish, her hands clenched in fists to keep them to herself.

"You were declared brain dead 6 hours later," Renji sighed before finishing succinctly, "They waited 2 days then had to pull the plug."

"What- why was there a wait- is that normal?" Mara scrambled for more information, caught off by abruptness of his ending.

"It's not your question," Renji ground out in a raw voice. Mara's questions stopped short at the sight of his red-rimmed eyes and tensing muscles. They were the only outward sign of how brutally he was reigning in his emotions and how close he was to finally breaking.

"Okay," Mara said meekly.

"I don't need your pity," he bit out.

"Then what DO you need?" Mara asked with a sigh. She was growing tired and frustrated with this game- a new sensation if there ever was one. It made him… shit, she didn't know what it made her feel about him, but it wasn't objective.

"You," Renji stated firmly, "I need you back."

She stared at him a long moment deciding how to play this. He was clearly shaken, just as she had meant for him to be. So, why did she want to reach out and comfort him so badly? It was a physical strain not to beckon him over and wrap his hand in hers, like she had walked him through something before. Her fingers itched to trace his tattoos up his arm until the tension melted.

Unforgivable. It rang in her head like a mantra. Mara focused on the anger that she had felt with that realization, but it eluded her. "What's your question?" she asked through gritted teeth, fighting for control.

"Do you remember anything about me at all?" Renji asked with exasperation. He tried to keep his tone light but fell flat.

"The senbonzakura thing," Mara said answered quickly.

"That you haven't already told me about." Renji enunciated each word with a clipped voice. Seeing that damn imperious eyebrow raised at him again, he added, "Don't look at me like that. You know what I meant."

"You sure? I'm pretty fragile," Mara said, attempting to tease him but really in a bid to buy time

"My ass," Renji snorted, "Quit stalling."

Damn it. Mara closed her eyes knowing that she was not winning this game, the same scene flashing in her head every time she closed her eyes. Every time she fucking blinked. For as much as she had rubbed him raw, he had done it right back. "Blood red. Remember. Bankai," she gasped out in a haunted whisper.

Genuine confusion twisted Renji's face. "What?"

"That's all I remembered when I tumbled through," Mara explained quietly, "Piercing eyes surrounded in red. I thought it was blood. Now that I've met you it may have been hair…"

"Both," Renji interjected, yanking Mara from her stupor and earning him a curious look.

"If it is from when you came through, then It was both," Renji clarified.

"Okay… and- and a deep voice was telling me to remember. Remember something," Mara stood in agitation, pacing in small circles to center herself, "And the voice yelled bankai. I know now it was you."

"It was," Renji confirmed lowly.

"And a little later on I remembered a green and black blur coming- coming so fast," Mara was panting with the intensity of the memories as she dove into them again, whirling on Renji. "And you! You told me to remember I was loved," she gasped out, the words were tumbling out unbidden, "then you swung a sword at my head!"

Renji's eyes shot open. Is that why the hostility is there. Why she can't accept who I am to her or even what she was to me? "I did not!" he denied loudly and vehemently, "I performed a konso!"

"A what!?" Mara asked, still breathing hard as she tried to calm herself down

"It's when you send the dead on to Soul Society," he answered quickly, desperate to make her realize he had never hurt her. Never would.

"That's a pretty name for killing someone all over again," Mara threw back at him doubtfully.

"It's not killing," Renji said, his own voice rising in protest

"Right," Mara shot back, doubtful and impatient, "Now answer my question. Why did they pull my plug?"

Goddamn this woman! So desperate for a truth she won't even listen to! Well, Renji decided, she was going to anyway. "Because you wanted to go," he snapped.

Bullshit! "Then why did it take two fucking days?"

"Me," Renji admitted, chagrined, head dropping back down to focus on his hands, "I couldn't let you go."

"Because…" Mara said, leading him.

"Not your turn," Renji snarled.

"That wasn't a question," she rebutted, her anger boiling just under the surface.

"Because I tried to stop them. Because I fought like hell for you against my best friends! My only friends! Is that what you want to hear?" Renji could see Mara recoil, eyes large and stoic mask broken in shock, but he couldn't stop. "And when they pinned me to a wall, I released so much rietsu that I tore the goddamn walls down until they drained me of that, too. I couldn't- I couldn't stop them," he finally choked out, voice threatening to break into sobs.

"No," Mara whispered as she finally sank into the chair again.

"No what?" Renji asked, raising wary eyes to hers as she watched him.

"No," Mara elaborated softly, "it's not what I want to hear."

"Why?" he choked out.

Mara gave no answer as her eyes darted anywhere but his face.

"Pretty damn sure it's my turn, Ippin," Renji demanded, "Answer the question."

Because it makes you complicated! she wanted to scream at him, It makes me want to hold you. It makes me want to remember. God, I want to ease you but you are… unforgivable." "Pretty damn sure I don't care," she bit out instead, "It's a shit question and technically two in a row."

"C'mon, Mar!" Renji urged her, losing his patience, "we never had to play games like this before."

"I have no 'before'!" she answered hotly, "As you correctly assumed, that the only reason I'm here. To fill in the blanks."

"Then ask dammit!" Renji replied, resisting the urge to reach out physically as he painted his heart on his sleeve with the look in his eyes. "Trust me to answer."

Mara's face hardened again. "No."

Renji heaved an exasperated sigh. "So fighting for you means you can't trust me?" he asked in confusion.

"Exactly," she replied shortly.

"For the love of-" Renji muttered in desperation, "What do you want, Ippin?!"

"For you to stop fucking calling me that!" she ranted, standing to resume her pacing again, her hands clasped behind her neck as she let out a deep breath.

"You're going to hear it any ways!" Renji raved right back. "About you. About us."

"I haven't been satisfied with your answers so far," Mara hissed.

"We were fucking meant to be," Renji continued, undettered, "You loved me-"

"No," Mara denied vehemently, shaking her head.

"And I loved you-"

"LIAR!" Mara yelled, spinning to face him.

"And when I fought for you not to die," Renji said, raising his voice over her pain, "I defied your plan-"

Mara fought back tears. The goal was to hurt him. To break him! And she did, she could see the change in him, but it was like his collapse was now only designed to take her down with him. "And you haven't stopped!" she accused him, "Clearly."

"Because I couldn't let you go," Renji kept going.

Resorting to violent head shaking, Mara could barely keep her mind on track in the face of his unrelenting assault on her feelings. "You've said that and I still don't believe it."

She has to hear it. Renji steeled himself to continue. "I begged Ishida not flip that switch while Sado pinned me to what was left of the wall-"

"Ha!" Mara scoffed, "You. Begging."

"I fucking begged him with everything I had in me," Renji said rising to stalk over in front of the obstinate woman, "because I knew there are no sure things in death. I told him that the only thing that was sure was right then, and that right then you loved me. I was your world and you were mine. You still are. I asked him what if it went away? What if I can't bring it back?"

Mara's steps had steadily retreated from his prowling. Her back to the wall, Renji leaned over bracing on his arm against the wall, "What if she won't love me again?"

She had heard those words. She could feel the memory sweep through her swiftly like a lightening bolt, gone before her rietsu could barely even rise. She didn't know where she was but she had heard them. A haze seemed to surround her but she heard the words, the screaming, the begging clear as day. They had yanked her from somewhere, somewhere dark. Her eyes widened with vague recognition.

"You remember," Renji said voice thick with emotion. He raised his hand to trace her jaw as he had so many times before, stopping himself at the last possible moment before touching her. His arm, his whole body, shook with the effort to resist her skin. Her.

Mara shook her head slowly, eyes closed against his towering presence.

"Yes, you do. You know it, know the feeling," Renji urged on in a croon, "God dammit, I can read it on your face."

Mind scattered, Mara tried desperately to stop the whirlwind in her head. She tried to pull her mask back on but all she succeeded in doing was leaning her head into the lingering warmth of his hand. So close.

Renji could see her struggle. She had to be so afraid, so overwhelmed. He couldn't help but gasp, his own eyes misting in disbelief as she settled her soft cheek against his calloused hand. "It's okay," he whispered, "You don't have to hide. You've never been able to hide behind that mask with me, Ippin."

At the touch of his fingertips, Mara's mind flared back to life with a vengeance. It's not okay. Unforgivable. Anger flashed in her eyes as she opened them to fix on his face, the amber flecks burning the like living sparks. "I can do whatever I damn-well set my mind to," she vehemently hissed, pushing hard on Renji's chest.

Renji didn't budge. "That's true," he agreed.

"Once upon a time it wasn't. That's when we grew. You have no idea how much you couldn't do but we made a hell of a team," he said with a grin, remembering how he had said the same thing on the beach a lifetime ago, "That's why we planned, that's why you have that tattoo guiding you back to me. So that you can do that again…"

Mara pursed her lips. "I don't believe you," she sneered, denial in her eyes as her face set back into hard lines.

Renji wasn't going to let her off that easy. "But you're curious," he pressed.

"Fuck you," Mara spat out, "I'm done here."

"Curious enough to come back and meet me again next week!" Renji declared.

"Over my dead body!" Mara protested, ducking out from under the cage of his arms.

"You're angry" he observed.

"Damn right I am," she confirmed, fixing him with a withering glare.

"Careful Mara, 'you will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished BY your anger'," Renji quoted to her.

"'The world needs anger. The world often continues to allow evil because it isn't angry enough'," she quoted back in a split second.

Renji couldn't contain his smirk at her immediate response.

Mara rolled her eyes, seeing his trap of child's play. "Cute."

"Next week?" Renji probed

"Shuuhei!" Mara yelled out, not breaking eye contact with Renji as she did, "Grimmjow!"

The door slid open so quickly that it knocked from its hinges revealing Hisagi, a storm in his eyes and power crackling around him. At the same time, the window burst open amidst a loud crash of shattering glass. Grimmjow leaned on the sill, looking relaxed with his wide, blood-thirsty smile, but he was coiled and ready to spring, trapping Renji in from another side.

"Hisagi," Renji nodded at the other man in greeting.

"Abarai," Hisagi responded, exchanging a deep look with the other man, trying to read feelings from old friend but failing in reading anything.

Mara turned to leave through door with Hisagi, but she stilled when saw Renji's sword sitting on the table by door. She knew that she knew this sword; knew it so well she could have numbered the stitches in the scabbard… but something was different. Her fingers reached out to gently lace through the thin thread anklet now decorating the hilt. Her anklet. He had carried her with him even when the future wasn't sure. Even when she had sworn she was alone. Shit.

"Mara?" Hisagi asked her, the cloud in his eyes turning to concern.

"Next week, Lieutenant Abarai?" Mara asked softly without looking back.

Renji fought his shit-eating grin as both of the other men's faces fall in shock and horror. "Same time, same place," he verified.

Mara acknowledged his answer with a silent nod. Like it or not, even if it shredded her heart every single time, she knew that Renji had the answers to who she was and why she was so different. She had to meet him again.

The smile inside Renji withered, however as Mara walked to Hisagi and wrapped her arms around his neck. Hisagi instinctively returned her hold. Mara looked back at Grimmjow, not sparing Renji a glance. "Home," she commanded.

"Okay, Koi," Hisagi said, beginning to lead her away.

Mara fisted her hands in the lapels of Hisagi's haori, glancing back at Grimmjow again with red-rimmed eyes, before fixing her watery gaze back on Hisagi. "Right the hell now" she said hoarsely, voice wavering.

Hisagi pulled her into bridal hold without hesitation and both men stepped away so fast that even Renji's eyes could barely follow

Was that progress, he wondered to himself. It felt more like pain. He had a meeting with her again, so that was... something. They had gotten so close today. She had remembered something! But he couldn't get that haunted look she gave Hisagi and the espada out of his head. That trill of tears in her voice hit his soul like a jackhammer.

God, was he so weak that he was willing to give her pain just to have her? Would it cause her more pain if he stopped? If he managed to get her back, would she even still be Ippin?