Chapter 32: Unbearable Pain

Derek's Point-of-View

"Derek." I heard at the doorway of my office, I looked up from the mahogany desk to see the beautiful figure standing there as gracefully as an angel would.

"Yes?" I smiled. Her face flattened out; she didn't reciprocate the flattery.

"I can't do this anymore Derek."

"What are you talking about baby?" I asked, feeling a sick sensation in my gut, I stood up from behind my desk.

"This life." She shook her head "I'm done, I can't do it anymore, I'm sorry but I have to go now."

"Meredith?" I frowned. She looked past me, or right at me but in her eyes, she seemed to vanish, her eyes rolled back, and she collapsed to the floor. "Meredith!"

I screamed as I practically jumped over my desk and fell to her side, I checked her pulse immediately and my heart sank as I couldn't find one, she was cold and dead. I pulled her limp head into my lap and sobbed as I rubbed her soft face and cried of all that I'd robbed her.

"Please baby, please don't go, don't leave me."

I gasped "NO!"

My body flung up off the mattress in a cold sweat and it took a few minutes to realize that I was in a dark room, not in my office in the middle of the day holding my dead wife in my arms. I panted swiftly as I pulled my knees to my chest and put my head in my hands and tried to breathe. I felt my heart racing as I flinched at the thought of losing her, of her just falling from my grasp like that. I still knew that I had no right to have her in the first place…but I didn't want to lose her, not now, not ever."

"Ah!" I heard a muffled scream down the hall, and it made all the hair on my arms stand up straight.

I sprung up out of bed and rushed to the door, it flew open with a soft crash against the wall as I heard another soft scream of pain. I didn't knock before barreling through the double doors of the master suite, the lights were off, but I could see her crumpled up in a ball on the floor.

"Meredith!" I gasped as I fell to her side and tried gently rolling her into my lap, she cried out in pain "Meredith what's wrong, where does it hurt?"

"Ah!" she screamed again as she clutched onto the side of her head "Oh god make it stop! Make it stop!"

She broke into a howling sob and I started to panic. This couldn't be happening, not like this, not already. The light turned on and I looked up to see Delilah groggy but alarmed standing at the door.

"What's wrong?" she asked with concern.

"Delilah." I breathed "Go call aunt Cristina and tell her that something is wrong with mommy and I'm bringing her in, tell her to get me whatever clearance is necessary. I need you to watch your brothers and sister for me."

"What's wrong with her?" she asked in a shaky voice. "Is she going to be ok?"

"I don't know Delilah." I groaned as I picked Meredith up into my arms, she cried harder as she cradled herself against my shoulder. "Please, just do this for me. I will call you as soon as I know something."

Delilah nodded and followed me to the garage door, she opened it for me and I rushed out to the car, I carefully set Meredith in the front seat and then got in myself and raced off towards the hospital. The trip was normally a 15-minute drive, but I got there in five minutes thanks to no traffic and on account that I was driving like a bat out of hell. Meredith screamed as I came to a screeching halt just outside the ambulance bay doors, I saw three figures standing there waiting and recognized every one of them.

They rushed to the car, but I still got to her first, I scooped her into my arms and brushed past Richard and Cristina.

"Mark, park my car." I ordered.

I was too concerned with getting her inside to notice if he did or not. At this point I didn't care if it got stolen or an ambulance crushed it as it flew into the bay on an urgent emergency. I was holding the love of my life in my arms and she was writhing in pain. I laid her down on a stretcher that Cristina shoved in front of me, she screamed again and it faded into a loud sob, her tiny weak hand wrapped around mine and gripped down into a death hold, she looked at me through her tears with fear and panic.

"Don't leave." She cried.

"I'm not." I reassured her, then looked at Richard and Cristina "I want and IV started, give her 3 of morphine for the pain and I want her up for CT and MRI in the next ten minutes, then I want an EEG no more than five minutes after that. We're running every neuro exam in the book, I don't care if it's unnecessary, it's necessary to me. Get it done and get it done now!"

Cristina nodded, I leaned over and kissed her hand, she softly let go of it.

"I'm right behind you my love." I whispered against her ear, she nodded as the tears poured down her cheeks.

"Derek." Richard said as he walked next to me "You should hand this over to someone else, you're emotional."

"Damn right I'm emotional." I hissed "The love of my life is hurting; she's been hurting for a long time and I never noticed it or tried to figure out why."

"It happens Derek."

"No Richard." I stopped him, "I've never seen her in that much pain before, not in any of her labors, I've never seen her so broken. Something isn't right."

I saw in his eyes that he wanted to argue with me but instead he swallowed it down and put his hand on my shoulder.

"You'll figure it out." He sighed "We'll all figure it out."

I nodded and followed Cristina into the elevator to take us up to radiology, I softly put my hand around hers and felt a faint squeeze, I closed my eyes and prayed for the first time in my life…God please don't take her from me.

An hour later we'd run a CT, an EEG and she was currently in the MRI machine. I'd always been kind to all our x-ray tech's and radiologists, because they were such a huge part of my job, they told me what I was looking at and where I needed to go. But tonight, I was pissing them off, I was sure I was pissing myself off too. I was sitting in their chair, staring at the screen as I waited for the images to pop up any second like my life depended on it…it did.

"They say if you watch a pot boil it never will." I heard at the door, I closed my eyes and blew out a sigh of frustration through my nose.

"Addison." I choked "I really don't have time for this right now."

"I know." She smiled softly "I'm not here to cause any trouble, I just wanted to say hello."

I let out a soft sigh and nodded "Hi."

I noticed through the window Meredith was starting to move a little, the morphine had barely touched her pain, she stopped screaming but I could tell she was still uncomfortable. I pressed the button to talk into the microphone.

"Mer honey." I said "I know it hurts, and I know you're scared and don't know where you are but you really need to hold still, just a few more seconds and it'll be over love."
"Derek?" she whispered in a broken voice.

"Yeah, it's me baby."

"What's happening Derek?" she choked.

"I don't know." I replied, "I'm going to figure it out, I promise, and I love you."

"Love you." She whispered back.

I drummed my fingers on the desk as I waited impatiently.

"I never took the time to realize just how much you love her."

I glanced over with a hard expression, I'd forgotten she was even there because all I was concerned with was Meredith.

"What?"

"I thought you were unhappy with her." She said, "I thought you were miserable in your marriage."

I blew out a soft breath as I closed my eyes for a second.

"I was miserable, I was unhappy." I confessed "But not with my marriage. I was miserable and unhappy with myself. I made the mistake of using you as an outlet thinking it would make me feel better about myself. Especially when all I really needed and loved in the world was right in front of me, waiting for me at home."

"I'm sorry." She shrugged with wet tears lingering in her eyes "I'm sorry that I made more of it than it was. I can see clearly now that she is the love of your life…and I'd be lucky to have someone love me like that someday."

The decent human being inside me wanted to wish her the best, but before I had the chance to think about what to say without leading her on the wrong way, the images suddenly popped up on the screen, I looked them over and gasped.

"Page Dr. Sloan, stat!"

What do you think is going on with Meredith?