Family
Chapter 45: Coping Part Three
Author's note: Previously on Family, Quatre confessed to Dorothy but was rejected. Wufei was offered a chance of promotion and decided to take it. Heero and Fate have their talk about the nightmares they had when they were down from the fear gas. Fate finally revealed her worst fear to Heero, but the truth hurts both of them badly. Heero cannot bring himself to face Fate but Rebecca scolded him and gave him the push to see Fate again. The couple is reunited but how will the truth affect their relationship?
This chapter will not be broken down into shorter chapters, but it will be a long chapter instead.
Warning: Mature and Dark Themes ahead, warnings of angst as well.
Thank you for reading this story and I hope that you will continue to support it. Please read and review, NO FLAMERS! Pairing: HeeroXOC
After Colony 203, 13th August
Rebecca's Apartment,
Morning, 7am
Rebecca woke up at seven in the morning and went to wash up. She was already dressed in a new set of clothes before she went to the kitchen. She was surprised to find Heero and Fate seated at the dining table. Both of them were drinking tea in silence. Fate looked slightly better but her eyes were still puffy. The silence between the two of them still seemed tensed.
"Fate, are you feeling better?" Rebecca asked.
"Morning, I do feel slightly better." Fate admits and gave her a weak smile.
Rebecca poured herself a cup of coffee and looked at Heero who was watching Fate closely.
"Rebecca, thank you for letting me stay here for the past two days. I apologise for the trouble that I have caused you." Fate said.
"It's no trouble at all, anything to make you feel better, Fate." Rebecca said as she smiled at Fate.
Fate seemed surprised to hear that but gave her a small smile as well.
"Shall we?" Heero asked as he sets his empty cup down on its saucer.
Fate merely nodded as she put on her sunglasses to block out her eyes.
"I will be leaving now, thank you again." Fate told Rebecca.
Rebecca merely hugged Fate in return.
"We are still be here for you if you need help, don't hesitate to come to me again." Rebecca whispered.
"Thank you." Fate said before they broke their hug.
Rebecca then narrowed her eyes at Heero.
"Take better care of her, Wingate." She warned.
Heero merely nodded his head in acknowledgement before he opened the door to let Fate go out first. Fate bids Rebecca goodbye before she left with Heero. Rebecca can only hope that they have resolved whatever that was between them.
VLA, Unknown Location
Morning, 8am
Fate was silent during the slow drive in Heero's sports car. Heero was silent since she had woken up to still find him in the same room as her. He hadn't slept at all and she knew that he must still be thinking about what she had told him. She didn't question him where they were going, maybe he was bringing her back to Moonstone Mansion. But the route there seemed different, where was Heero bringing her? Was he skipping work for her? It was clear that he needed to go back to work yet he was still here. The car eventually pulled to a stop at a carpark. Fate looked out of the window to see that there were no other cars around. She have never been here before.
"Where are we?" Fate asked.
"There's something I want to show you." Heero said.
With that they got out of his car and Fate followed after Heero. They started climbing up stairs and Fate lost count of how many stairs they had climbed. But they eventually reached what seemed to be a rooftop of a building. Heero came to a stop when he reached the railings at the edge of the building. Fate looked down and realised that they weren't very high up, but why did Heero bring her here?
"Look up."
Fate did as he said and was stunned with what she saw. They were near the bottom of the space Colony's circular shape. Hence looking upwards she could see rows and rows of buildings and streets stretching upwards. Wow she hadn't seen the Colonies like this before even though she was living in it. It was amazing how one can only see this view from a far distance. One soon forgets that the colony is circular in shape after all the land feels flat up close. Heero leaned forward while resting his arms on the metal railings. Strong wind blew past them and Fate held onto the side of her hair, hoping that it wouldn't mess up her hair. It was a beautiful place, but why did Heero bring her here? For there was nothing else on this roof except the view it offered.
"I used to come here often when I needed somewhere quiet to think." Heero told her.
She looked around in silence wondering what was so fascinating about this place that makes it different from elsewhere.
"There's nothing here and no one lives in these blocks anymore." Heero told her.
It would explain why they were the only ones here. This part of VLA suddenly felt really quiet.
"How did you know about this place?" Fate asked.
"I found it while I was chasing a person of interest."
"I see." Fate whispered.
Heero stood straight as he examined the city of VLA from where he was standing. It had been a long time since he was here and he could see the differences in the city. Some buildings have been replaced with new ones and some parts of the city were more developed now.
"Why did you bring me here?" Fate asked.
"To show you the city of VLA, in a Colony point of view. There is no one here hence no one will disturb us." Heero said.
Fate looked at him through her sunglasses, she waited for him to start first.
"Fate…"
"You are breaking up with me." Fate whispered before he could finish his words.
Wind continued to blow past them but the tension between them was still there, it was also one that hides both of their own pains. Heero looked out at the view in front of them but said nothing to deny it.
"Are we really beyond hope?" Fate asked.
Heero didn't speak as well, for it was a question he couldn't answer. He still had no answers on how to move forward with Fate but this break was something he needed to do.
"Will you… still feel the same way about me if you knew before we got together as a couple?" Fate asked.
"No, I will be too overcome with guilt as I do now." Heero said.
"Then make amends." Fate said.
"Fate…"
"Use everything you have to make it up to me." Fate said.
"It will only continue to hurt us both."
"What makes you think that?" Fate asked.
"Because I will be staying out of guilt and you will feel it too when duty overrides the love I have for you." Heero said.
"And you think breaking up won't be the same?" Fate asked.
"At least we will be free to love someone else." Heero said.
Fate was stunned by his words and knew that the tears were welling up again, even when she said she won't cry again after those horrible nights.
"I can't love anyone else, I will always love you!" Fate exclaimed.
"Fate…"
"It will always be you, haven't we been apart long enough to know that?" Fate asked.
Heero knows that she was right, but he can't move forward like this.
"Do you still love me?" She asked.
"Yes, it wouldn't hurt so much if I didn't." Heero admits.
"And I still love you, despite your split personality and despite what happened. It doesn't change that fact!" Fate exclaimed.
Then she removed her sunglasses and approached him. She stares deeply into his eyes, hoping that he can see how much she still loves him.
"Is it enough to overcome everything?" Heero asked.
"We won't know until we try, stop taking the easy way out." Fate whispered.
"Even if it will destroy both of us?" Heero asked.
Images of her ending her own life in her nightmare flashed before her eyes hence she hesitated. Yes it may destroy them, but what if they overcome it together? The chance of that happening was slim but it wasn't impossible.
"Yes." She answered with confidence this time round.
Heero looked back at the view in front of him as if he was deep in thought.
"Will you take a chance on us, Heero?" She asked him.
He took in a deep breath and sighed before he turned to look at her.
"Yes, but there will be conditions to it." Heero said.
"Like?" She asked.
"I won't touch you unless you initiate it. We need to draw boundaries on where is alright and where isn't alright with you. And we will not have sex until you have overcome your fear of being intimate with me. And I will ask you for permission if I wish to touch you." Heero said.
Fate was surprised that Heero was willing to give up so much for her sake, she knows that such rules will only make it harder for him. After all they are both adults now with urges. And she will be forcing him not to act on them. But he was right, she wasn't ready for it yet. But she didn't want him to blame her for it and she still wants him close to her sometimes. Fate gave a nod of her head to show that she agreed to it.
"Be clear on what you want and what you can take for your signs are confusing." Heero said.
She nodded for it was only fair towards Heero.
"What about you, are you really sure that you can be with someone who has a split personality?" Heero asked.
"He stands against everything I am against for, yet he is still a part of you. I can't love you and hate him, so I have to love both of you." Fate said.
"It's not as simple as it sounds." Heero said.
"I know, but at least I can be rest assured that he will stop at nothing to ensure that you are safe. So for that I am grateful." Fate said.
Heero was silent.
"Can you control him?" Fate asked.
"No but he surfaces when I am angry or can't fight to save myself." Heero said.
"Does it happen more often than before?" Fate asked.
"No, but almost once a year."
Fate was silent as she stared at the view before them as well.
"Promise me that you will be honest with me about this as well. Please tell me if you feel like your control over yourself is fading." Fate said.
"He hates you for he feels that you are the reason I have weaken and grown soft hearted. He may hurt you." Heero said.
"I have Meteor and as far as I know, nothing can destroy its shield yet. Hence I am quite safe from him should he wish to try." Fate said.
"That won't stop him."
"I know, but I hope to reason with him." Fate said.
Heero was silent as well and both of them continued to watch the city before their eyes.
"This fear gas forces us to face our worst fears and it has changed all of us. Nevertheless it's best to do something about it instead of doing nothing." Heero said.
Fate was silent, aware that they were still walking on thin ice here. She watched as Heero tightened his grip around the metal railings.
"I can't and don't want to lose you Fate. I fought so hard to make sure that you survived the gas attack, only to learn that I was the one who had hurt you. I couldn't save you at all for there was no one to fight against, no one to stop except myself."
"Heero…" Fate whispered.
"I don't know how to fight against my past self, when all I ever did is keep on hurting you." Heero exclaimed.
Fate was surprised as Heero was never that vulnerable to her before. Yes he had been honest but he hardly ever talks about his own feelings. She knows that he feels them but he wasn't used to having them. She could see how guilty and helpless he felt for he didn't know how to make it right, how to stop hurting her the way he did. He was right, there was always pain in their relationship. It was mostly emotional pain but… was there love without pain? Love that was one hundred percent joy without worries, concerns, hardship? Did such a love exist at all? There was no answer to that question, but she knew that they have to be realistic.
"I'm still here, aren't I?" She asked.
Their eyes met for a short moment before he looked ahead again.
"Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve your love, that I am not worthy of it." Heero said.
"Because of your past as a… pilot?" She asked.
"It's a mix of everything." Heero said.
Fate then started laughing instead. Heero frowned at her in response, it was the first time she laughed since the fear gas attack.
"I'm laughing because to the eyes of the world you are already a man who has everything. Power, wealth, a prestigious family background and yet you still doubt your worth?" She asked as she was still laughing.
"Fate…"
"We are our own worst enemy, didn't you tell me that before?" She asked.
He was reminded of the same words he used to encourage Fate when she doubted that she was a better singer than the other contestants during a singing competition. But she was right, only he can determine his own self-worth and he was already losing to himself in this battle.
"On the flip side, you deserve this. After all that you have done to try to make up for what you did in the past. You deserve to have a normal life like everyone else, to be a normal human being for once. Laugh when you want to, cry when you feel like it and love because you can do it." She said.
Then she jabbed him in the arm.
"That's what the heart is for and it's mine." She said, before giving him a smile on her face.
He gave her a small smile instead, he was supposed to cheer her up but their roles are reversed instead. Fate has grown stronger too but maybe she hadn't realised it yet.
"Mine's yours too, it's been yours since the longest time. Although you have broken it too many times to count, but it's still yours. So take it and love it back with all you got." Fate said.
He looked at her in silence.
"You already have everything, so hold on tightly so that you won't lose it." She whispered.
Heero reached out towards her before he hesitated.
"Can I hug you?" He asked.
"Yes." She answered.
He pulled her into a tight hug and both of them said nothing as they stood there hugging each other.
"Thank you Fate." He said softly.
"Thank you for staying as well." Fate whispered.
He didn't dare risk a kiss but decided that it was best if they remain in the state they are in now. Their boundaries needed to be re-drawn and he will need to be constantly aware of them and not overstep them. He checked his mobile phone and realised that he has to return to work. He can't stay out any longer.
"I have to go back to work, Fate." He told her.
Fate tiptoed and kissed him on his cheek, taking him by surprise. Then she broke their hug and puts on her sun glasses again.
"I know, but you will see me again?" She asked.
Heero nodded and they gave the view before them one more look before Heero drove Fate back to Moonstone Mansion.
The next day, 14th August
VLA, Secret Underground Location
Early Morning, 3am
Heero decided that the only way for his fail safe to work without any chance of failure, he has to strengthen the person executing it. That meant he had to do something about Wufei. Hence Heero decided to train Wufei. This can also help Wufei to lessen his fear when in combat with Heero, hence when the day comes he will not hesitate to pull the trigger. It was their first lesson this time round.
Wufei was tired as Lady Une and he have been making arrangements in secret so that he can be promoted to Deputy Head of the Preventer Force soon. But Heero wasn't giving him a break at all, for it was the only way to win the other side of him. They were currently in one of Heero's safe house which was deeply underground and it has a simulation room. They were fighting hand to hand combat in the simulation and Wufei was losing rather badly.
Heero wondered when he had improved that much over the years or maybe he had been learning far too many different techniques and fighting styles to train his own men. They have been going at it for two hours straight and Heero knew that they needed a break soon. He dodged Wufei's punch easily and puts some distance between them.
"No, you are still holding back. As if you are afraid of hurting me." Heero said.
"I see you as one of my best friends. Naturally I can't give it a hundred percent when fighting you." Wufei said.
"I won't be your friend then, see me as the enemy." He advised.
Wufei sighed instead.
"Let's take five." Heero said, pressing the screen of his watch to end the simulation they were in.
They both walked towards the actual chairs to rest and get hydrated.
"This is still a crazy idea." Wufei told him.
"But it will work. While your promotion may not require you to do field work anymore, you never know." Heero said.
"Chances are slim unless all personnel are deployed and there is still an emergency to attend to." Wufei said.
"You will miss the field." Heero said.
"Like you do?" Wufei asked.
"Sometimes." Heero admits.
As Heero is now the commanding officer, his role mainly involved sitting in the operation room and giving orders. He seldom goes to the field to give orders directly unless the situation calls for it.
"But we all know that eventually we will be too old for the field work." Wufei said.
"Physically speaking, it won't happen until we are forty if we train hard every day." Heero said.
"But don't we wonder if there is more than just field work?" Wufei asked.
Heero nodded knowing what he meant. As he drank water he was reminded of Fate, this was a good thing for him as it helped him to take his mind off Fate for a while. He still has to set proper boundaries with Fate first and this will be their way of moving forward. That's when his mobile phone rang and he immediately picked up the call when he saw that it was Fate. A quick check of his watch showed that it was already 3am in the early morning.
"Fate?" He greeted.
There was silence on the other end and he frowned, walking away to put some distance between him and Wufei.
"Fate, are you there?" Heero asked.
"Which Heero are you?"
Her question stunned him so much that he didn't know how to answer. He felt his blood turn cold and he knew that he had made the critical mistake of not watching Fate more closely. Indeed her PTSD is starting and she cannot seem to differentiate reality from her nightmares.
"My Heero or… Relena's Heero. Wait… do you even know who I am?" She asked.
"Where are you?" Heero asked.
"Home… I think?"
"I'm coming over right now." Heero said.
"But why? You don't even know me."
"We will talk when we meet." Heero said, before he hung up the call.
He went back to Wufei.
"What's wrong?" Wufei asked.
"Fate may have PTSD, she cannot differentiate reality from her nightmares." Heero said.
"But she passed the test."
"She barely scrapped through it, they released her mostly on my account." Heero said.
"Go, she needs you." Wufei said.
"My apology for the disruption to our training. I am certain you will be able to find your way back. We will continue this soon." Heero told him.
Wufei nodded and Heero left the safe house before he drove lightning fast towards Moonstone Mansion.
Early Morning, 3.40am
Moonstone Mansion
Heero didn't want to wake Fate's staff up. So he parked outside the gates and jumped over the fences to get in. Naturally he had disabled the alarm before he enabled it again after he was in. Then he climbed onto a balcony onto the second floor before he unlocked the door by picking at the lock. He then got into the mansion and closed the door after him. He went to Fate's room and was surprised that she wasn't there. He went in search of her and found that there were lights on in the kitchen. He approached the kitchen and saw that Federick was with her. Federick seemed to have poured tea for both of them. Yet Fate seemed to be in a daze.
"Fate…"
"I'm not Fate, I'm Gabriella."
"Fate… this is not funny." Federick said.
"Where am I?"
"Your mansion." Federick said softly.
"I don't have a mansion, I have a small apartment above my flower shop. Yes… I need to go and prepare them." Fate said standing up but Federick stopped her.
"Fate, snap out of it. This is reality, this is not your nightmare. You have already woken up from it!" Federick shouted at her.
"I'm awake, aren't I?" She asked.
Heero was definitely very worried about Fate and chose to step in at the moment.
"Fate?" He called out.
Fate looked surprised to see him. Federick didn't seem pleased to see him since he obviously broke in as he didn't come in by the front door.
"Mr. Wingate? Why are you here? This isn't my shop… and I don't have any more orders from you." She said.
Heero and Federick exchanged looks, but Heero chose to pull out a chair and sit down next to her.
"Fate…"
"Why are you calling me that too? My name is Gabriella." Fate said.
"Gabriella, do you know who I am?" Heero asked.
"Of course."
"Do you know him?" Heero asked, referring to Federick.
"He said his name is Federick."
The pain in Federick's eyes was clear, for Fate was looking at him like he was a total stranger.
"He's your brother." Heero said softly.
"I don't have any siblings, I am the only child in my family." Fate said.
Heero was not sure how he can make her snap out of it because to Fate, she was still in her dream, living the life of Gabriella.
"Federick, can you give us a moment?" Heero asked softly.
Federick narrowed his eyes at him but understood that he will only cause more confusion. So he gave a curt nod and left the kitchen. Heero took out his mobile phone and showed her a photo of the two of them. He was not one who takes photos but Fate had insisted on it one day hence it was still in his phone.
"What is this?" She asked looking confused.
"This is a photo of us."
Fate frowned.
"I don't remember taking this with you. And we seem… really close… But that's impossible for you don't even know me. And well you have a fiancé and…" She trailed off as she stared at the photo of them.
"We are together."
She gasped in shock instead.
"You cheated on Miss Darlian with me?" She asked.
"No Gabriella, listen to me. This is not you, you are not really Gabriella. You are my girlfriend, Fate de Camden. You are an amazing singer and a superstar." Heero said.
She shook her head, that's not true. He reached out and took her hand, causing her to look at him in shock. He stared into her sapphire blue eyes, hoping that she can tell the difference between reality and dream.
"You are not Gabriella. You are not replaceable and you exist in this universe!" Heero exclaimed.
She continued to shake her head as if in denial.
"You exist right here with me and in me, Wake up, Fate!" Heero exclaimed, hoping to reach out to her consciousness.
"I…exist in you?" She asked.
"Yes, remember who you are. Remember about us!" Heero urged.
"Us?" She questioned.
"Yes, about us. The pains, the hurts, the smiles and the love you have for me." Heero told her.
Fate stared at him in shock while Heero gave her hand a tight squeeze.
"Don't forget about us, please remember Fate!" Heero urged.
Fate's body started to tremble and she started crying almost instantly.
"Fate?" Heero asked.
"Yes, I remember you." She whispered.
Heero was slightly relieved but then she reached out with her free hand and cupped his cheek. As if trying to tell if this was real or not.
"You are real, right?" She asked him as the tears continued to fall from her eyes.
Her hands trembled a little as if she will break if he said he wasn't real, that all of this was a dream. He reached out to cover her hand on his cheek.
"Yes, I am real and so are you. You exist right here with me. We are real too." He told her.
Tears continued to fall from Fate's eyes before she turned to look around them.
"Do you know where you are?" Heero asked.
"Yes… But that means I did it again didn't I?" She asked him.
"Did what?" Heero asked softly.
"Mix up reality and dream…" Fate whispered as she continued crying.
Heero shifted his chair over and pulled her into his arms as she cried.
"It's alright, you are alright now." He told her.
"No it's not…. It's scary." She whispered.
"I know but I'm right here with you." Heero told her.
"I'm sorry." She whispered.
"It's not your fault." He said.
She sobbed in his arms for a while as he continued to hold her. But then she broke the hug to look at him.
"You… smell off." She whispered.
She was putting it gently but he knew that he must have smelt awful for he had sweat a lot during the training with Wufei.
"I rushed over in the midst of training." He told her.
She ended up laughing and sobbing at the same time which was quite a sight. But he was relieved that she was back.
"I will like to wash up, but I don't have any clothes here." Heero told her.
She gave him a sad smile before wiping her tears away.
"You should talk to Federick, he's worried about you." He told her.
She nodded before she stood up slowly.
"Fate, are you really alright?" He asked softly.
"I'm not sure." She whispered.
"I will head home for a short while before I come back." Heero said standing up as well.
"No, there is no need for you…"
"I am worried about you Fate, at least let me do what I must to ensure that you are well." Heero said.
She didn't argue with him about that, she simply turned to Meteor who was at her feet. Meteor jumped up to the table and Fate opened it up before retrieving a card key and a set of keys.
"This is a spare set, I was thinking of giving it to you much later. But I guess now will have to do." She whispered.
She handled them to Heero and their hands touched briefly before he closed his hands around it. It required a lot of trust to hand their lover the key to their house and he knows that he can never give it to Fate for she is afraid of being in his house again. But he felt honoured to be given the key to her house. He won't have to sneak in and out anymore.
"Thank you." He said.
She gave him a sad smile before she turned to leave as if in search of Federick.
Fate found Federick in the library, reading a rather thick file.
"Fed."
"He managed to make you snap out of it?" Federick asked, looking up at her.
Fate was silent as she approached Federick.
"How bad is it?" Federick asked her.
"How bad is what?" She asked.
"Tell me the truth, Fate." Federick said softly instead.
Their eyes met before Fate looked down.
"I don't know but there are times when I mix up reality and the nightmare world I was in." Fate whispered.
"Like just now? When you looked at me as if you don't even know me?" Federick asked.
"Yes." She whispered.
Federick was silent but he looked away briefly.
"I tried everything I could to save you Fate, only for this to happen to you…"
She was silent but she could feel the pain in his voice. No one wanted this to happen and Fate has no idea why this was happening to her. Federick's hands were tightly clenched into fists and she knows that he's blaming himself again.
"It's not your fault… it's probably mine. I am not strong enough to fight it." Fate whispered.
"It's not your fault Fate, things of the mind are complicated. The one is to blame is the one who started the gas attack on Blue Marine Pub. But Fate remember that all of it is over. You have already woken up. Fight it, fight whoever Gabriella is to remember who you really are." Federick told her.
Fate merely nodded.
"Fed, because it may happen again I don't want you to blame yourself for it and be offended if I don't know who you are." Fate said.
"How did he make you snap out of it?" Federick asked instead.
"He told me that I existed in him and while that doesn't seem to make sense, it does to me. For in the nightmare, Fate de Camden didn't exist at all. Hence it made me realise that I am Fate, not really Gabriella." Fate whispered.
Federick was silent for a short moment.
"I gave him a spare set of key." She whispered.
"You don't think I will be able to wake you up?" Federick asked.
"I don't know but I only feel assured when I look into his eyes, because that's when I know that this is real." Fate whispered.
Federick was silent but even Fate knows how bad it sounded.
"I'm sorry Fed, you may see him more often because of this. I know you two aren't on great terms, but I need him here. So please for my sake be nice to him." Fate said.
"Okay." Federick said.
With that Fate went over and hugged Federick.
"You are important to me too." She whispered.
"But not as much as him." Federick said as he gave her a tight squeeze.
"You have your place, he has his." Fate whispered.
With that she gave him a small smile before she turned to leave.
"Fate?"
She looked back at him in question.
"You exist right here too, this is your reality and you are irreplaceable always remember that." Federick told her.
Tears welled up in her eyes as he had no idea how much his words meant to her. She merely gave a sad smile before she turned to leave. She went back to her room but she was afraid to sleep again. What if she can't really wake up? What if she was trapped as Gabriella again?
She didn't know how much time had passed until there was a soft knock on her door and the door opened slowly. Heero came in dressed in a new set of clothing and was carrying his military uniform's coat as if he planned to stay till morning. He closed the door gently and walked over to the bed. He wasn't surprised to find her awake. He placed his uniform's coat down and joined her in bed.
"Can't sleep?" He asked.
She shook her head, there was just so much fear. She cannot imagine what will happen if Heero had chosen to break up with her. She will probably think that she's still in the nightmare world… that Fate will simply be gone. Will she totally disappear if she doesn't remember herself anymore? She won't be able to sing her songs anymore, she won't know anyone anymore…
"Fate?"
She looked at him slowly.
"Do you want to set boundaries with me since you can't sleep? You can use the distraction as well." Heero asked.
She gave him a sad look. She didn't want to dwell in that awful topic too. She knows they must do it but it will only be a painful reminder for them both.
"Not today, please." She whispered.
Heero nodded.
"About earlier, sorry that I touched and hugged you without asking." Heero said softly.
"Heero, I want you close and I don't deny that. But I just can't go more than cuddling… for now." She whispered.
He nods his head in acknowledgment.
"But anything lesser than that, you don't have to keep asking me for permission. Yes you can hold my hand, make out with me, hug me and caress my face. As for more than that… we will need to work on it slowly." She whispered.
She then sighed, she can't believe she just set the boundaries when she said she didn't want to.
"That means you don't feel revolted by my touch." Heero said.
She hadn't thought of it that way. But if so it wasn't really about him touching her. It was probably how she felt so used after that. That she was a mere substitute and he was just using her to make himself feel better. She was reminded of how uncomfortable and physically painful it was.
"What are you really afraid of Fate?" He asked her softly.
She didn't like being placed in such a tight spot again but she might as well be honest.
"I felt so used after it, that I was a mere substitute. It's almost as if you didn't even know if it was me and that scared me, especially since I love you that much." Fate whispered.
He realised that Fate had this insecurity whereby she was scared that she can be easily replaced and substituted. It was obvious in her nightmare world as Gabriella where Fate didn't exist. But it was also true because of that night.
"You are afraid the same thing will happen again if we have sex again?" He asked gently.
"I don't know… it was just such a horrible experience that I don't want to experience it again." She said.
Heero was silent and she looked at him sadly.
"I'm sorry I know this is hard for you too. I just… can't."
Their eyes met before Heero held onto her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.
"Sex can be great Fate, but we will take our time. Only when you are truly ready for it." Heero told her.
She didn't respond to his words, but what will he do about his urges?
"What about you? How are you going to deal with your urges?" Fate asked.
"Which is why we need to set boundaries. You will have to be more conservative in your dressing for my sake. And I have my own ways of managing." Heero told her.
"But I'm already quite conservative in my dressing." Fate argued.
"The bag campaign…" He reminded her.
"Oh, but those are for work." Fate pointed out.
He stared at her in silence.
"But I like the direction I am heading towards." Fate protested.
He continued to stare at her in silence.
"Okay I will be more conscious over my dressing." Fate agreed.
"That will include your formal gowns as well."
"But those are the most…"
"Figure hugging, back baring, high slits on the sides, really low necklines…" Heero reminded her.
"But it will be boring without them." Fate whispered.
She earned another silent stare.
"Hmm… we really need to solve this or you will ruin my wardrobe if this goes on." Fate joked.
Heero didn't respond, but both of them were thinking of the same thing, if only it was that easy to solve. Eventually Fate managed to get some rest, Heero was gone when she woke up in the morning as he had to go to work.
Heero's Penthouse,
Night Time, 10pm
The men have gathered at Heero's penthouse again as Blue Marine Pub is still closed for cleaning. However Heero has other major plans for the pub and it was a good opportunity to start them now. Nevertheless Heero allowed them to use his penthouse as a temporary gathering spot. Heero hadn't returned back to the penthouse hence the rest were making themselves comfortable. Oddly Quatre was here as well and he seemed depressed. Duo was the only one among the four of them that seemed happy. They were already onto their second glass of alcohol when Heero returned. He saw Quatre but moved to remove his military's coat and handled it to Rolland. They spoke a few words before Heero nodded and went to join his friends who were in the dining room.
"Hey Heero!" Duo greeted happily.
Heero merely gave a nod of acknowledgement. He sat down and poured himself a glass of whisky.
"So why are we here?" Heero asked.
It has been four days since the last time they were here and a lot of things have changed since then.
"We all have something to share so we decided to do a gathering instead of a one on one, especially since we can't go to our usual hangout anymore." Duo said.
"About that, I plan to renovate Blue Marine Pub. The thorough cleaning is already done but we are tearing everything down and building a brand new one in its place." Heero said.
"Isn't that a bit extreme after the gas attack?" Trowa asked.
"Partly because its reputation is affected but also because I have plans for a major renovation for a while now. There was no opportunity to close it down for a long period of time as business is too good. Now that it's fenced up it's time to get the building works done. The Pub will open before Christmas this year." Heero told them.
"I wanted to go back there again, but I guess we will have to wait till then." Duo said.
"We will have to use your penthouse as a gathering place till December?" Wufei asked.
"My penthouse is always open as Rolland is around, but I might not always be here due to work and other commitments. Do use it as you like, as long as you don't go up the stairs." Heero said.
Heero then looked at Quatre who seemed rather depressed and he thought that Quatre was going to stay away for a while?
"Well I have things to announce, Hilde and I are officially together again. She took up a mysteriously well timed job offer and decided to stay in VLA so that she can be with me. I am helping her to look for an apartment to rent." Duo said.
"Wow that is good news." Trowa said, giving Duo a pat on the back.
"Yeah, I am just glad to be with her again." Duo said as he smiled at them.
"Anyone else?" Heero asked.
Trowa nudged Wufei who merely sighed.
"I am promoted to Deputy Head of the Preventer Force starting from tomorrow onwards." Wufei told them.
"A promotion?" Quatre asked in surprise.
"Yes." Wufei said.
"Trowa and I couldn't believe it when Lady Une announced it. We thought she was joking!" Duo exclaimed.
"Congratulations Wufei, you must be so happy about the promotion!" Quatre exclaimed as well.
"Thank you, I just hadn't expected it to come so soon." Wufei said.
"We knew it was merely a matter of time." Trowa said as he gave a small smile.
Heero congratulated Wufei as well since he was supposed to only hear it for the first time now.
"Thank you Heero, I look forward to more joint operations with the army." Wufei said.
With that they gave a toast to Wufei and drank their drinks.
"I have an announcement to make as well." Quatre said softly.
"Yeah?" Duo asked sounding excited.
"I… finally confessed to Dorothy…"
"Oh wow you finally did it! Good for you bro!" Duo cuts in, slapping Quatre in the back.
"But I was rejected."
The shock on Duo's face was obvious and his smile faded immediately. Heero had expected the outcome to be like this, but it was best for Quatre to experience it himself.
"I decided to cut off all ties with her from that day onwards so… that's it. That's how our story will end before it was even started." Quatre said softly as he poured himself another glass of whisky and drank it in a gulp.
"Quatre…" Duo whispered.
It was clear that Quatre was still suffering from a broken heart and that was probably why he was here.
"And I am sorry Heero."
Everyone else turned to look at Heero instead.
"I truly thought that the split personality of you is scary and I am not going to lie and say I am not afraid of him. But you are still one of my best friends. And in truth I still need and want all of you in my life so I am sorry for choosing the easy way out of things. You are still Heero to me and you always will be, killer side of you or not. And I cannot imagine us with one of us missing from the picture." Quatre said.
All eyes were on Heero and Heero hadn't expected Quatre to change his mind so soon. Maybe it was also because he needed them especially since he had just gotten his heart broken. But Quatre was right, they all have their own part to play in their friendship. It wouldn't be the same with anyone of them missing.
"You don't have to apologise Quatre, we will always be best friends no matter what happens." Heero said.
Quatre gave a weak smile in return.
"At least you finally told her how you felt." Trowa said.
Quatre sighed.
"It's over now, I do want to move on with my life too." Quatre said.
"Don't worry Quatre, I am sure you will be able to find someone else." Wufei said.
"Yes Wufei is right. You are a great catch Quatre, I am sure there will be ladies out there who wants to be your girlfriend." Duo said.
"Thanks guys." Quatre said.
They continued pouring more drinks for themselves and they were soon chatting among themselves. Heero was wondering how Trowa was coping when Wufei spoke to him.
"How is Fate?" Wufei asked.
"Not good, she is suffering from PTSD. She mixes reality with the world she saw in her nightmares. She couldn't really wake up." Heero said.
"That sounds serious, are you going to get professional help?" Wufei asked.
"I will need to ask her about it. But I will have to keep a closer eye on her to make sure that she is truly able to wake up." Heero said.
"The media is asking about her as well since she is not giving any updates about her condition. Even people find her lack of response odd." Wufei said.
"I don't think she can go back to her job yet, she is not stable enough to deal with the constant questions from the media." Heero said.
"But eventually she will still have to go back."
"Yes." Heero agreed.
Heero hesitated but decided to tell them about Fate having PTSD and asked them to be kinder to Fate. Also they have to not take offence if she acts like she doesn't know them for she might not remember them. Quatre looked worried as well but hopes that Fate will get well soon. They continued chatting for a while and Heero was glad to see that most of them were able to move on with their normal lives again. His concern was Trowa. According to Fate, Trowa is bothering Arabella by his lack of honesty over the matter. Heero managed to have a private chat with Trowa and asked how he was. Trowa said that he was coping and still trying to move on as well. Heero asked him to confide in Arabella who is worried about him.
"Sometimes it's easier to have someone else you can confide in." Heero said.
"Yes but not about all of these." Trowa said.
"The choice is still yours, but don't let what happened push you away from the people who care about you. Which is what you are doing." Heero said.
Trowa merely sighed and said he will think about it.
"How is the army side of things after the gas attack?" Trowa asked.
"We are increasing our internet intelligence gathering network, every forum and post will be closely monitored." Heero said.
"But most are hoax."
"Yes but the fear gas attack has far too many causalities and it was an incident that slipped through everyone's radar including mine. That goes to show how easily such attacks can happen. Carlton is not going to let it happen again." Heero said.
"Would it have been any different if you were not caught in it?" Trowa asked.
"Carlton does not look at it personally, nor do I. It was a well-planned attack, I do not deny it for it had achieved its purposes. And it had led to terror and death, more of such attacks may come. We need to be more vigilant." Heero said.
"Lady Une is worried that there is much more going on that is slipping through our trigger searches." Trowa said.
Heero merely nodded, they simply have to up their defence in order to prevent such attacks from happening again. He received a text from Fate and realised that he has to go to her as well. Although something tells him that he should pack some of his things as he will be there often. It won't be like him moving in with her, but it will help him to get to work faster. But not today for he doesn't want his best friends to know about it yet.
Moonstone Mansion,
Night Time, 11pm
Heero entered the mansion with the key that Fate had given him and it felt odd to do that as this wasn't his house at all. The living room was dark, signalling that everyone had retired to their rooms. So he went up the stairs to Fate's room. He knocked on the door before going in. Fate was up watching the news with a frown on her face.
"What are you watching?" Heero asked as he closed the door and approached the bed.
It was related to the music industry and they were talking about her. She sighed instead hearing the awful speculations about her. Heero switched off the screen with the remote instead.
"Heero…"
"You shouldn't listen to the nonsense people come up with." Heero said.
"But they are right, I can't hide forever. I still have a new album coming up and…"
"Are you ready to go back to work Fate? You hardly have time to rest." Heero cuts in.
"I know, but I have to go back." She said.
"Even if you don't feel like it?" He asked.
"Yes." She answered.
He got into bed beside her and their eyes met.
"Put aside everyone's expectation of you, do you really think you are ready to go back to work?" Heero asked her.
She was silent as if she was considering his question seriously.
"No, but I am getting bored at home." Fate said.
Heero thought about the matter at hand.
"You can cook me dinner tomorrow." Heero said.
"Why the sudden…"
"You did say that you are bored and it should keep you busy tomorrow." Heero said.
Fate thought about his suggestion.
"Well it's been a long time since I cooked anything. But aren't you afraid of letting me too close to knives?" Fate asked.
"Are you?" He asked instead.
The urge to end her own life wasn't strong hence she shook her head.
"You will be alright besides your cook will watch over you with a stern eye." Heero said.
"That is true." Fate said, for the kitchen is supposed to be the cook's territory and it wasn't a place for the lady of the house.
"Federick can join us too." Heero said.
"What would you like to have?" Fate asked him.
"Surprise me." Heero said softly.
"But you hate surprises." Fate reminded him.
"Yes, but this can be a good one." Heero said.
Fate merely smiled she is aware that Heero suggested this to make her feel better and to keep her occupied for a day.
"Anything in mind?" Heero asked her.
"Hmmm… I'm not sure." Fate admits.
"Fate, promise me that you will only return to work when you are ready for it. I don't want you to stress yourself out." Heero told her.
She nodded and gave him a kiss on his cheek.
"Thank you." She said.
He merely gave her a small smile.
The next day, 15th August
Moonstone Mansion,
Night Time, 7pm
Heero chose to leave his office earlier than his usual time so that he can go to Moonstone Mansion for dinner. He wondered if Fate had fun planning and cooking the dinner tonight. It will take her mind off everything that have happened for now. Heero have also packed a box of clothing and toiletries so that he can change his clothes before going to work should he stay over at night. It was more convenient to come and go from the mansion as he pleased with the help of the key Fate had given him. Nevertheless Killian greeted him at the door and showed him in. Heero could smell the aroma of the food from the dining room and knew that he won't be disappointed.
With that he went to the dining room and it looks like he was the last one to arrive. He knew that his idea had worked when he saw how happy Fate looked. Most of the colour on her face had returned and she was smiling brightly.
"Heero!" She exclaimed, walking over to greet him.
He gave her a nod of acknowledgement and handled her the wine he brought for the dinner. She thanked him for the gift and handled it to Killian instead. Then she pushed him to take a seat at the already laid out table. Heero knew that Fate had overcooked when he saw how many dishes there were on the table. But everything looks and smells delicious. Even Federick was frowning at how much food was on the table.
"It looks great." Heero said.
"I might have over planned a little but I had so much fun cooking everything. Anyway, because there's so much food I took the liberty to invite more people though it was a last minute invitation." Fate said.
"Who did you invite?" Heero asked.
"Oh Rebecca, Arabella and Jace. Jace is fetching the two of them here but he's already on his way." Fate said.
Heero looked at Federick instead.
"Great, the more the merrier." Federick said with a rather forced smile.
Fate ignored Federick and started introducing what dishes she have cooked. Heero found himself staring at her as she seemed so lively and so different from how she was since she woke up from the fear gas. If only this side of her can be maintained.
"Oh I cooked a beef dish as I know that you love beef." Fate told Heero.
Heero merely gave a small smile.
"And I made baked penne pasta in cream sauce for all of us. Fed used to say that it was one of my best dishes." Fate said.
"I see." Heero said.
The doorbell rang and the three remaining guest arrived. Fate hugged Rebecca and Arabella happily in greeting before smiling at Jace. Jace came over and greeted Federick first before he greeted Heero. With that everyone sat down and dinner was started. The food was indeed as delicious as it looked and they started complimenting Fate on the food. She smiled shyly but Heero could tell that she was glad that everyone enjoyed the food.
"We hadn't have a private gathering in a while now." Jace said.
"Well it was a really last minute dinner that I pulled together but thank you all for coming down today." Fate said.
"I'm glad I came!" Arabella exclaimed.
"Yes, look at all the food." Rebecca said with a smile.
"Oh I overdid it a little…"
"A little?" Federick asked.
He earned a nudge in the ribs by Jace.
"Hey no problem, we are quite big eaters." Jace said.
Fate looked at Heero as if in confusion. But then they starting chatting with each other and catching up with what everyone was up to lately. Soon they finished eating dinner but Fate made dessert as well hence they continued with the dessert course. It was good to see everyone again and spend some quality time together over food. Heero helped out with the clearing of the plates and chased Fate out of the kitchen with her best friends. She was reluctant but Rebecca got the message and managed to drag Fate away.
As the men washed the plates they started chatting among themselves.
"God, I have never been so full in my life." Jace muttered.
Heero knew that as men they were forced to eat more for Fate's sake and they did just that. It was a delicious meal but he was really full as well.
"I should have accidentally smashed the apple pie when I saw it." Federick said softly.
"And she will be really upset about it." Heero said.
"It's quite a huge contrast from the last time I saw her. She seems so much happier. Is she doing better?" Jace asked.
The heavy silence that followed after that question was an obvious answer.
"Oh that's would explain why we all seem to be trying really hard to make her feel better today." Jace said.
"She needs this." Heero said softly.
"At least she's smiling." Federick said.
They put the dry dishes on their racks and went out to the living room to join the ladies. The ladies were chatting among themselves before they joined them. They chat for a while longer before Arabella has to go since she has an early photoshoot to go to. Rebecca hesitated for a short moment but decided to leave as well. Jace said he will drive the two of them back. And so they were taking their leave. Arabella hugged Fate and thanked her for the meal. Rebecca did the same but her hug was longer and they whispered soft words among themselves. Jace thanked Fate for the meal and said something that made Fate laugh. With that they bid each other goodbye and Federick was going back to his room.
"Thank you Fed, I know you weren't fond of the idea of having a dinner party." Fate said.
"It's good to see friends again." Federick said.
Fate broke out into a smile before she looked at Heero.
"I think you did well today." Heero told her.
"Oh?"
"Although it went beyond my expectations but I'm happy to see you smiling so widely again." Heero told her.
She smiled at him.
"Thank you for the suggestion, it really distracted me for a while and managed to cheer me up a little. This meal is also from me to thank every one of you who helped me out before and after the fear gas incident." Fate said.
"I know." Heero said.
With that Heero went to retrieve his box and Fate showed him where he can pack his clothes. Apparently she had reserved a drawer's space for him.
"I used to keep your spare clothes should you need them after I have treated your injuries. But I cleared it out and returned them to you after I left VLA." Fate said.
"But you still kept the space for me." Heero noted as he packed his clothing into the drawer.
"Yes because I thought you might need it." Fate said.
Their eyes met and Fate blushed under his intense gaze.
"I will leave you to your packing." She whispered.
"I saw the shirt." He said softly.
"What shirt?" She asked.
"The one with the Wingate family's coat of arms."
Fate knew which shirt he was talking about almost immediately, it used to be his favourite shirt.
"You mended it almost perfectly."
"It took a lot of effort but I can tell it was important to you. It was the least I could do for you." She said softly.
Heero was silent as he continued packing his clothes.
"Thank you for looking out for me in your own ways, though I may not be conscious of it or appreciate you for them. But I really do, I just don't tell you about it." Heero told her.
His words touched her to her core and she felt tears welling up in her eyes. But she chose to hide her tears from him.
"I should get changed." She whispered before she disappeared behind the door that led to the bathroom.
She was silent as she leaned against the door. She closed her eyes and sighed. Why was he bringing those things up again? Nevertheless she was rather distracted during her shower, but she got dressed and came out. Heero had finished packing and was on his tablet computer when she came out. She got into bed as Heero took his turn to use the bathroom. She was thinking about the events of today when Heero got into bed with her. Will he stay with her often or were they going to schedule it?
"Heero, how often do you want to spend the night here?" She asked.
"I am not certain yet as I have only been here for two nights." Heero said.
"So…"
"I will need to monitor you more closely before I can be certain about the schedule." Heero said.
She nodded feeling a little odd to be watched over by him like he was her bodyguard all over again. They fell asleep soon enough.
The next day, 16th August
Early Morning, 4am
Moonstone Mansion
Heero was woken up by Fate's voice. He turned and saw that she was trembling really badly while still in her sleep. Was she having a nightmare again?
"No…" She exclaimed as she rolled from side to side as if she was restless.
He immediately tried to wake her up by gently shaking her.
"No…" She exclaimed louder this time as the trembling in her body intensified.
"Fate, wake up." He called out to her.
But she didn't seem to hear him.
"No, don't go!"
Tears fell from her eyes instead and her reactions were a little confusing but still he tried to wake her up.
"Fate, wake up!" Heero exclaimed louder as he tried to shake her to wake up.
"Don't leave me… here…"
The tears continued but she wasn't waking up and Heero wondered if there was anything else he could do. He knew that he shouldn't do this, but he has to wake her up. He went back and reached out to carry her. She was trembling rather violently and it made it hard to hold her properly. But he carried her to the empty bathtub and placed her inside of it. She was still muttering words in her sleep. He didn't want to drown her by filling the tub and pressing her head into the water, so he filled a bucket of cold water and emptied it on her face. Still she didn't wake, hence he did it again. This time the coldness of the water must have gotten to her for she gasped awake and started coughing instead.
"Oh God, cold…"
Heero immediately wrapped a new towel around her.
"What… what's going on?" She asked him as she seemed disorientated.
"You were having a nightmare again and I couldn't wake you up." Heero said.
"Oh." She whispered as she looked around her, taking her surroundings in.
"Are you alright? You were crying and trembling at the same time." Heero said.
Fate didn't speak while Heero reached out to gently wipe her wet face with the towel. But he noticed that she was crying again.
"Fate... do you want to talk about it?" He asked softly.
She shook her head almost immediately.
"Can you give me some privacy?" She asked softly.
He hesitated for a short moment.
"5 minutes, if you don't come out by then I am coming in." Heero told her.
She nodded and so Heero waited in the bedroom. He didn't hear any sound of the water running and counted down the five minutes. It was a rather agonizing five minutes and he was about to go in as the time's up but she came out dressed in a new nightgown with her hair still damp from the cold water. He was about to approach her to find out if she was really alright when she spoke first.
"I'm sorry Heero, when I thought that everything was getting better again."
Heero came over and hugged her.
"It's alright." He whispered.
He hugged her close to him while they lied down on her bed. She was awake and probably afraid to sleep again.
"Fate, maybe talking to me about your nightmares will help you to feel better."
"But it involves you and you know…" She whispered.
"I know, but it's better than you keeping it bottled inside." He whispered.
She looked at him for a short moment but remained silent as well.
"Tell me Fate, please." He whispered.
"But I might lose you over this again. You may not be able to stand the pain from the hurt it will cause." Fate said.
"I promised to stay with you Fate, that hasn't changed no matter what. Let me fight this with you." Heero said.
Fate continued to hesitate but then she shook her head.
"I don't want to talk about it, I just want to know that you are still here with me. That's enough for now." She whispered.
Heero said nothing as he kissed her on her forehead.
Fate woke up slowly and she was disorientated for a second. She was supposed to stay awake yet somehow her body's fatigue had taken over hence she had fallen asleep. She wondered where she was but relaxed when she realised that Heero was still with her. The room was still dark hence it told her that the sun hadn't risen yet. She looked at him in the darkness and wondered if he was really asleep. She realised a few things about him in the few times they sleep together in the same bed. Heero was like a log when he's asleep. He doesn't move at all and doesn't change his sleeping position either. Yet his senses are still so sharp that he wakes up easily at the sound of noises or sense of unease. He wasn't a light sleeper, not in that sense. But more like he was always on high alert, especially when he was asleep. She hadn't really seen him relax in his sleep before.
Was it part of his training as well, that he has to always be on high alert? That there was a possibility that someone will attack him in his sleep or that something will happen even when he's asleep? She wondered what it like was to be Heero for a day. To be so cautious of everything and always be on high alert.
"Fate?"
She was surprised, he wasn't asleep at all.
"You weren't sleeping?" She asked softly.
"No, I was paying attention to you."
She was surprised but touched by his gesture as well. She shifted closer to him and sighed as she rested her head on his chest. She could hear his strong heart beat yet she was really glad to have him close to her. Heero slowly reached out to hug her as well.
"You will get better Fate." Heero told her.
She wasn't so sure about it but she can only hope too.
To be continued…
Author's Note: This chapter was a little hard to write in trying to find a sound argument for the two of them to still remain a couple. Fate definitely wants them to still be together and overcome this together but Heero did want to end things with her. For he thinks the truth is too damaging to the both of them. Of course, to overcome any kind of fear takes time and it is a process. Fate is still dealing with PTSD on top of all that while everyone is slowly trying to move on as well. Thank you for reading and do stay tuned for the next chapter!