Author's Note: bWarning! This chapter contains: panic attacks, nightmares, attempts at self harm, depression. Please read responsibly! For a detailed explaination of where these triggers will occur, please see the end notes Wow. Wow. This has been one hell of a ride everyone. First and foremost, thank you all for the wonderful, encouraging words that I have recieved over the past two months. You guys have no idea how much it means to me. I am in complete awe of the unbelievable support I have gotten for this fic. Never, in my life, have I been able to write this much so quickly. Over 150k words in two months? That's unbelievable. And its all thanks to you guys. I really am humbled.
This chapter gets a little rough, but focuses a bit more on healing than action. That being said, please remember that I write in 3rd person limited POV, which means that the words within the narrative come from within a charcter's head. Zoro considers his PTSD and trauma a weakness and something to be ashamed of. These don't reflect my thoughts. Dealing with anxiety, depression, PTSD and other forms of mental health issues is the mark of the strongest of people, which Zoro will come to realize as the chapter goes on. If you're fighting against mental health issues, you're a champion and I believe in you. You are so much more than your mind tells you.
With all of that being said, I present to you, the final chapter of The Next Right Thing. I hope you guys enjoy!
Chapter Twenty-Seven: Zoro
The smell of tobacco hits Zoro first. His muddled mind climbs its way to consciousness clumsily, reaching for a foot hold as the rest of his senses inch back to him. The solid mass beneath his head rises and falls steadily, a soothing pace of in and out. His hands fist in soft fabric as his chest begins to burn lightly beneath the heavy bandages Chopper and Law insist he needs to wear. Damn, bossy doctors.
His vision blurs dangerously when he peels his eyes open and it takes several blinks to clear his eyes. Or, rather, eye. Fate, it seems, never intended for Zoro to have two eyes. He sees clearly enough with just the one anyway. Blonde hair greets him and it takes a full minute for Zoro's mind to access the situation. He's laying in bed inside one of the tents they'd borrowed from Boa's crew, cuddling with the goddamned cook.
Fucking hell.
Embarrassment sets fire across Zoro's face and down his neck as he jerks away, slamming a foot into the cook's hip to send the blonde tumbling out of the bed with a pained yelp of surprise. Serves him right, the perverted bastard.
"What the hell, Zoro?" the cook snarls, shooting upright.
"What the hell, Zoro?" Zoro echoes, well aware that his face must be the color of a lobster by now. "What the hell are you doing, pervert?"
"Big words coming from the guy who was cuddling me."
Zoro can't be sure if he wants to cut the cook or himself. Straightening his shirt and brushing himself off, the cook stands to scowl down at him.
"What the hell were you even doing in my bed?" Zoro demands.
The cook's eyes soften. Zoro definitely wants to cut the cook. He isn't even sure what the look is for but he knows that he hates it. Hates that this will be how his entire fucking crew looks at him from now on. Anger boils beneath his skin, his fingernails biting into his palm. Fuck them. He doesn't need to be looked at like this. Like he's made of glass and destined to break if the wind blows too harshly.
"Shove over, marimo," the cook orders.
"No!" The sneer comes out far more vicious than he truly intended. It isn't the cook's fault he's like this. Broken. Worthless. A failure. "Why the hell would I let a pervert like you in bed with me?"
The soft eyes and slight frown don't change. "Because, it's Luffy's orders."
Zoro tenses at the words, blinking up at him. Why the hell would Luffy order the cook into bed with him? That made no sense. But, when has Luffy ever made sense?
The cook heaves a heavy sigh. "Chopper said you might not remember," he mutters. "Last time you woke up in here alone, it was bad, alright? Luffy and Vivi-chan had to go see Boa-san. And, in his infinite wisdom, our captain decided I had to stay in here with you. Now, shove your ass over."
The only remedy for this situation is for the ground to open up and swallow him whole. The cook takes advantage of his shell shocked embarrassment to shove him over and settle back on the bed. What exactly does bad mean? How badly did he fuck up? By now, the entire crew knows he's a failure. Knows how badly he's screwed everything up. Has he fully lost their trust yet? If Luffy thinks the cook needs to babysit him, then probably. How can he watch their backs if he can't look at them without wanting to cry or run himself through with Kitetsu?
"I can smell your brain overheating," the cook says, tucking an arm behind his head and settling against the pillows. "Shut your mind down and go back to sleep, shithead. You need it."
Zoro's teeth clench at the order and he keeps himself sitting up purely on principle, despite all of his muscles protesting violently. Even his eyelids - eyelid, damn it - begins to droop against his will as the adrenaline of waking up cuddling the cook leaves him.
"For fuck's sake," the cook grumbles, tugging at the back of his bandages until he succeeds in pulling Zoro down beside him. "Just stop being so damn stubborn and go to sleep."
Zoro grunts but allows exhaustion to creep into his bones. Because he wants to. Not because the cook told him to. Their shoulders brush, the warmth a strange comfort as sleep begins to pull Zoro's thoughts to quiet blackness.
A new smell tickles his nose from beyond the darkness. Hot. Smokey. Burning. Zoro's nose twitches.
Burning.
Burning.
Fire.
"I don't need your help, marimo. Go find Luffy."
The words slam into Zoro's mind with the force of the sea train.
Burning wood.
Burning flesh.
Blinding yellow lights.
Red seeping through everything he looks at.
"I can take care of myself, marimo! Go, protect our shit captain. That idiot's probably in trouble. What are you waiting for? Go!"
None of his body parts will obey him. Sharp, huffs of breath leave his nose as his chest heaves, mind spinning in circles. Something holds him still, won't let him move. But he needs to. His crew needs him.
He's supposed to protect his crew.
"Zoro?"
"Zoro! Help me!"
Blood thunders in his ears. Pressure slams into his ribs. The panic rises up, pushing against his ribs as though to crack his chest open. He needs to move. He needs to stop being useless. His limbs need to move. He needs his swords. Needs something sharp to ground him.
"Oi, Zoro. Wake up."
"Oi, oi! Zoro! Don't just leave us here!"
"Zoro. Wake up."
The ability to move slams into him without warning. Zoro gasps, air shooting down his tight throat. The tremors rushing through him are harsh enough to shake the entire bed. His fingers jump and twitch, air burning against his lungs as he gulps it in, wheezing wildly.
Blue eyes hover over him, warm hands grasping his shoulders. "Oi, oi, Zoro. It's alright. Look, I'm right here, alright?"
Zoro blinks, pressing his lips together to try and calm the desperate, whining gasps attacking him. Blonde hair. Blue eyes. Stupid eyebrow.
The cook.
Shit, the cook's alive. How? How?
Vivi. That weird gate.
Together. Together.
Is the cook really alive? Is this real?
He needs to know this is real.
Zoro's body moves without his permission or thought. He scrambles upright, shoving the cook down to grab his hands. The cook lets out a soft "oi?" of confusion, but allows Zoro's trembling hands to move over each of his ten fingers and down his palms. All intact. No unusual bumps. No bones out of place. His hands move down, over the cook's shirt, searching for any holes. Searching for the source of the smell.
Something is burning. Something is burning.
But the cook is alive.
The cook is alive.
Zoro didn't fail him.
The relief that slams into him is wrong. He doesn't get to feel relieved. He failed them. But, it hits him all the same. Because, the cook is alive. His nakama are alive.
Tears come against his will and before he can truly comprehend his actions, he's leaning with his head on the cook's chest, bawling his eyes out. He can't even manage the energy to be embarrassed by it. The cook's chest moves, up and then down, slow and even. An arm snakes its way around Zoro's torso and with a single tug, he's on his side, head buried in the cook's shoulder.
Stop crying, he tells himself. Stop being pathetic. Stop it. Stop being useless.
Fingers still jumping uncontrollably, Zoro longs for something sharp. Something painful. Something to make him stop being such a broken, babbling mess.
He grits his teeth, swallowing the sobs that keep trying to push past his lips.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
He has to stop being so useless. But, he can't seem to force himself to. It makes rage boil in his chest. How did he let this happen? How did he let himself fall apart? He needs to stop this. This anger that's replaced the panic. The untamable wave of heat that pushes against him, throwing itself around. He needs to hit something. Needs to feel himself releasing some of this awful, built up pressure.
Something taps against his leg twice. Hard. His hand, he realizes as it slams into his thigh a third time. Not hard enough. It doesn't hurt. Doesn't release the pressure.
The cook shifts, hand snatching Zoro's wrist and yanks his hand up to his shirt again. "Stop that," he growls.
But Zoro can't. He has to get rid of this mess of jumbled emotions somehow. The cook's grip tightens when he tries to pull his hand back.
"Zoro. Cry."
Cry. Whine. Snivel. Cower.
No. No. No.
He has to be strong. Has to be.
"It's alright," the cook's voice softens and the anger flares again. "It'll help. Just cry."
No. No. No.
"I'm not. Not weak." Zoro grits out, hating that his fucking voice won't stop shaking.
"No," the cook agrees. "You aren't. Needing help doesn't make you weak, Zoro. Neither does crying."
Tears prick at his eyes, stinging behind the bandage over the left side of his face.
"Stop being such a stubborn son of a bitch. Do you really think so little of your crew? That we aren't strong enough to help you?"
"That's not." Zoro bites his tongue, unable to tame the soft, choked gasp from escaping him. "I'm not weak."
"No one thinks you're weak, Zoro. This doesn't make you weak. And we don't think less of you for it. Cry."
Why does it have to be the cook? The one person that is supposed to see Zoro as a rival. As someone worthy of sparing against. Someone who can stand tall beside him and Luffy. Why does it have to be the cook in here, hugging him like this isn't the exact opposite of the reputations they've worked so hard to build up? The biggest players in the Strawhat crew. Men to be feared and awe-inspired.
"We're your crew, shithead. Have the same faith in us that we have in you."
Have. Not had. Have. They have faith in Zoro. After everything that's happened. All of his lies. All of his panic. All of his misguided attempts to protect them. They still have faith in him.
"Let me help you."
Zoro doesn't cry. He fucking sobs.
"He broke your hands."
Zoro's throat feels dry. His cheeks feel tight beneath dried tear tracks. The cook's chest continues to rise and fall steadily from beneath his head, one of his legs thrown over the cook's and his arm resting across the other man's stomach. If he had the energy to move, Zoro doesn't think he would have. There's a steady thump, thump, thump beneath his ear. A strong heartbeat. Comforting. Calming.
"It healed fine," the cook tells him softly. "Chopper's the best, remember?"
Oars, Zoro realizes after a pause. The cook means Oars. He shakes his head. If he had any more tears to cry, Zoro's sure they would have started up again.
"No," he whispers. "Not Oars."
Silence.
He should be quiet too, but for some reason, his mouth keeps running. "Not Oars. He broke. He broke your hands. Your treasure. I-I couldn't. If I was stronger."
If he was stronger, things would be different.
"No," the cook interrupts. "If I was stronger. I make my own choices, Zoro. Don't put that shit on yourself."
He has to. He's supposed to protect this crew. No matter what anyone says. If Zoro had been stronger, things would be different.
"Do you think I'm weak?" the cook demands, though his arm stays pressed along Zoro's back so he can't be that angry.
"No."
Far from it.
"Damn straight. So, get it through your thick skull, shithead. I'm not weak. And my decisions are my own."
"He broke your hands," Zoro repeats, voice coming out a whisper.
Be angry at me. I let him destroy your treasures.
"You didn't do anything wrong."
"I didn't save Nami."
Yell at me. Tell me this is my fault.
"You didn't do anything wrong."
"I didn't save Robin."
Be angry at me. Yell at me. Tell me this is my fault. Why won't you be mad at me?
"You didn't do anything wrong."
Didn't he? He has to have done something wrong.
"When have I ever sugar coated anything for you, marimo? If this was your fault, don't you think I'd tell you?"
He would. If anyone would tell Zoro it was his fault, it would be the cook.
"You didn't do anything wrong. Say it."
He can't. Zoro can't say that. Because he did. He did do something wrong. Didn't he?
"Say it. We all know it's true. Don't be such a dumbass. You didn't do anything wrong. Say it."
"I-I." Zoro licks his lips, teeth dragging along his lower lip as he goes. "I didn't do anything wrong."
The words taste bitter in his mouth. Wrong.
The cook lets out a relieved sigh. "You didn't do anything wrong."
"I don't understand why you won't be mad at me," Zoro admits.
The jungle comes alive at night, once the fire has died down and the crew have climbed into their beds. Zoro's tired. So, bone achingly exhausted. It seems like once the unreasonable anger left him, it left nothing in its place. He just feels empty. Useless. Hopeless.
"Why would I be mad at you?" Luffy asks.
His captain's arms tighten around him. Luffy's been touchy. Really touchy. The rubber man insists on sleeping with Zoro, cuddling against him, even holding his fucking hand. It should be maddening or embarrassing. Instead, it's just nothing.
"You asked me to come back. But I can't. Because it isn't me you want, Luffy. It's him." It's your Zoro. "But he's gone. And I can't bring him back."
Be angry with me. Help me feel something.
"You are him," Luffy says simply.
"No. I'm not. He's gone, Luffy. I'm not. I'm not yours."
Be mad. Yell at me. Make me feel something.
For a long moment, Luffy falls quiet. The soft breathing of their nakama from the other tents is comforting in the dark of the night. Then, Luffy lets out a long suffering sigh.
"Zoro, you're so dumb."
Which seems to be a popular phrase for the captain lately. But, it isn't angry. No, patience, kindness, and love sit in Luffy's voice. Zoro hates it.
"You're Zoro. N' you'll never be anybody else. I don't care who you were. I care who you are. You're Zoro and Zoro's mine. Just cause you're different doesn't mean you stop being Zoro." Luffy's nose nuzzles in his hair. "Why do you want me to be mad at you?"
Zoro bites back the lie of "I don't know". Luffy reads him like an open book and his captain has become firm in his demands that Zoro stop lying to him. But, how stupid will he sound telling Luffy that he longs to feel anything other than tired?
Luffy doesn't push the answer. Not like how Nami and the cook do. They poke and prod him until his shame turns to anger that burns through his veins. Part of him wishes Luffy wasn't so calm and patient with him. Especially when he doesn't deserve it.
"Ne, Zoro?"
"Hmm."
"You didn't do anything wrong."
The words are that goddamned cook's fault. Every time Zoro tried to explain what happened, that he'd been too weak and too slow, the swirly eyed bastard pinned Zoro with a steady glare and said the damn words until Zoro repeated them. The rest of the crew picked up on the habit in a matter of hours. A week later, it seems like Zoro's repeating the words at least twenty times a day.
Even worse, Zoro thinks he's beginning to believe them. And now he has his voice berating him for his weakness while his crew's voices call back that it isn't his fault. That surviving isn't wrong. The whole thing gives Zoro a pounding headache.
"Zoro," Luffy presses gently when Zoro doesn't repeat the damn words.
Zoro's breath shakes as he releases it. "I'm tired."
Tired of being weak. Tired of being empty. Tired of being tired.
"Is that why you want me to be mad at you?"
Even when he's like this, Luffy still manages to hear the meaning in Zoro's words. Not trusting his voice, Zoro nods against Luffy's chest.
Luffy's arms tighten around him. "Okay. We'll tell Chopper in the morning, okay?"
Zoro can't force himself to reply. No. Not okay. He doesn't want to tell Chopper. He doesn't want a different medication dosage. Zoro wants to be strong again. Wants his crew to look up to him again. Zoro wants to belong in the crew of monsters again.
"Chopper said it would get worse before it gets better, Zoro," Luffy whispers.
Does it get worse than this? Feeling so empty that he can't even find the energy to cry out of frustration. This is the lowest point. How can his crew even stand to look at him?
Luffy pulls him closer, tugging the blanket up around Zoro's shoulders. "I know sleep won't make Zoro less tired. So, tell me how to help."
"I don't know," Zoro whispers.
"'Kay. Does Zoro want it quiet? I can stop talking."
"Don't." The word leaves Zoro's lips in a rush
The soft lull of Luffy's voice gives him something to focus on. If he stops talking, the screaming match in his mind is going to drive him insane.
"Please, don't stop talking."
"Okay. I can keep talking. But, I don't really know what to say. Um. Hmm. I'm not good at talking a lot, Zoro. Usopp's better at that stuff. Oh! That's it. Oi! Usopp!"
Zoro starts at the sudden shout, silently cursing himself for it. He should have known exactly where this train of thought was going. Now, their entire crew is going to be awake and upset. All because of him. Because Zoro is too weak to listen to his own fucking mind.
"Usopp! Oi!"
"Luffy, cut it out," Zoro grumbles, heat racing across his cheeks. "Just, never mind. It's fine. Let's just go to sleep."
"Nope. We need Usopp's help. Oi! Usopp!"
"Sanji-kun!" Nami screeches from the girls' tent.
"Usopp, get your shitty long nose up! Luffy, shut the hell up! The ladies are trying to sleep!"
If Zoro could disappear from the face of the planet, he might. What grown ass man needs to be put to sleep by a fucking bedtime story? What a pain in the ass.
"Luffy," Usopp whines around a yawn. "Do you have any clue what time it is?"
"Will you tell us some stories?" Luffy asks.
Zoro keeps his head buried in Luffy's chest, unable to look at the sniper.
"Is that what you woke me up for?" Usopp demands.
Zoro can't help his flinch. Usopp should be sleeping. They should all be sleeping. Zoro should have kept his damn mouth shut and not caused any fucking trouble.
"Yup. Zoro doesn't want it to be quiet n' I dunno what to say. So, will you tell us stories?
Zoro waits for the laughter. Because, the idea of the goddamned Demon of the East Blue needing someone to tell him stories is embarrassingly laughable.
"Oh, yeah. Of course," Usopp says, any trace of annoyance gone.
No. No. Be mad at me. Be disappointed in me. You used to look at me for protection. Be upset with how pathetic I am.
Usopp's weight shifts the mattress and Luffy's feet shift Zoro's legs up to give the sniper more room.
"Zoro?" Usopp asks softly.
It occurs to Zoro, with nauseating speed, that he's trembling again. He buries his head a little further into Luffy's shoulder, like a fucking child. God, every shred of respect this crew has for him must be gone by now.
"We just asked for help," Luffy soothes softly, hands running along the bandages wrapped around Zoro's chest.
The bandages should be long gone by now. The wounds have scabbed over completely and don't crack open when he moves. But the last time Chopper removed the bandages and Zoro got a real look at the x-shaped scar on his chest - Luffy's scar - he'd thrown up and cried for an hour. Chopper had declared the scar a "trigger" and that they'd work up to removing the bandages for good once Zoro's mental state had improved. Which was the nice way of saying once Zoro stops being such a fucking cry baby.
"It's okay to ask your nakama for help," Luffy continues. "You didn't do anything wrong."
Warm hands grip his ankles, pulling his legs onto Usopp's lap and the sniper rests his arm across Zoro's shins. "You didn't do anything wrong."
They used to need him all the time. None of his nakama had ever shied away from asking for his help when they needed it. So, logically, he should be able to ask for their help too. Right? He gets to ask for help too. Even though he failed them. Because they all know exactly what happened. They've all heard him desperately try to explain why they should be angry with him. They all know what he did. And they all keep telling him that they want to help. That it's alright for him to feel better. Alright for him to stop hating himself.
"I didn't do anything wrong."
The voices in his head quiet down. Usopp squeezes his ankle and begins the story.
"Aw, Zoro-san." Brook smiles at him as he settles down beside the skeleton at the water's edge.
Colors explode across the side, reflecting into the water below. The image mirrors the sky perfectly, no harsh winds to disrupt the water's surface admits the calm belt. Though, every once in a while something moves below the sea, just close enough to cause a slight disturbance.
"How are you feeling?"
"I'm," Zoro pauses, considering his answer.
"Fine" is no longer a viable option. Chopper vetoed the word during the first week of his recovery. "Alright" will be the next word to go, from what he understands.
"Those words don't mean anything, Zoro," Chopper had insisted. "They filter words to avoid telling us how you really are."
Which makes no sense, because Zoro really is fine. Not great but not awful. Fine is that perfect in-between word.
That perfect in-between word that's now banned from his vocabulary, apparently.
"Better today," Zoro finally answers. Because it's the truth. For the first time in months, Zoro feels at peace. Like he could take a nap and actually sleep without jerking awake in a panic.
The answer widens Brook's smile. "I'm glad to hear that."
"Brook?"
"Yes, Zoro-san."
"Are-are they all here?"
He's seen Luffy and the cook, he knows they're here. But, Luffy said all of them. Has his whole crew been here the whole time? Watching him. God, they must be so disappointed in him. Everything he's done. The way he's fallen apart.
"From what Luffy-san said, I believe so."
"Why?" Zoro clears his throat, pulling a knee to his chest. "Why didn't you tell me earlier they were all here?"
"I didn't know, Zoro-san. Spirits are very complicated, I'm afraid. They only have so much energy to use and, once they use it all, they must leave this plane of existence, whether they want to or not. So, they rarely reveal themselves to anyone unless they feel they must."
Zoro hums, resting his chin on his knee to stare out at the setting sun. So, they've all been here. All this time. His hands fist in his hair, tugging just enough to feel the sharp pull. His heart speeds up slightly, mind trying to run through all of their possible responses. This crew doesn't seem upset with him, but this crew and his crew are different.
So, is his crew upset with him?
"You shouldn't do that, Zoro-san," Brook tells him softly.
Zoro should have known that he would notice. Thanks to the damn cook's sharp eyes, Chopper had added "hair pulling" to the list of "Zoro's Self Harm Methods to Look Out For" which hangs in the medical tent. He accidentally pulls hard enough to make himself bleed one time and everyone gets in a tizzy.
"Yosh," Zoro mutters.
He can't force his hands to leave his hair, though. All ten of his fingers are knotted within his short locks. Slight trembles run through him but he manages to keep from pulling. That's what counts, Zoro supposes. He can touch his hair, as long as he isn't pulling.
"Brook?"
"Hai."
"How did you do it? For so long."
Can you tell me how to deal with this? Tell me how to be better. To be fixed.
"Laboon," Brook replies. "I thought of Laboon and the promise I made him. It was far from easy. Though, it doesn't seem nearly as hard now."
Promise. Zoro promised Kuina, didn't he? That should have been more than enough to ground him. Why isn't it?
"Nakama are a powerful thing, Zoro-san. They make things so much easier. And, I believe that they often become our motivation for important things. It has taken me many years to find nakama again. And, for the first time in fifty years, I am so happy to be alive."
Tears prickle against Zoro's eyes and he wipes them away before they can fall. His breath shakes as it leaves his chest.
"And you, Zoro-san?" Brook asks gently. "Are you happy to be alive?"
Happy to be alive? Zoro pulls his gaze from the sea to blink at the musician. Happy to be alive? After everything that's happened. Zoro's head tells him the answer should be "no". He failed his nakama, hadn't been able to save anyone other than himself. Zoro shouldn't be happy that he's alive. But, in the back of his mind, a collection of voices chant in unison "you didn't do anything wrong".
Laughter carries on the wind. Luffy, Usopp, and Chopper. The cook's shouts follow them. Meaning, the three morons have probably been sneaking food from the dining tent. His chest feels light. He can picture Vivi and Nami leaning against each other, Nami rolling her eyes as Vivi gives them a fond smile. Robin is probably giggling furiously while Franky shouts about how "super brave" the small trio are.
Zoro gets to see this, everyday. He gets to spend his life with his nakama. He gets to protect them and their dreams. Zoro has his nakama.
Tears begin to stream down Zoro's cheeks as the realization dawns on him. "Hai," he chokes out, unable to find any sort of shame as Brook beams at him. "I'm happy to be alive."
Silvers Rayleigh arrival seems to surprise the entire crew. Zoro can't say he's immune. Honestly, he'd completely forgotten Rayleigh existed, let alone would be coming to find Luffy. The old man tosses Zoro a curious glance as he follows Luffy and Vivi to a secluded tent to talk. Zoro raises an eyebrow as they vanish, glancing over at Nami and Robin.
"Sencho has named Vivi our envoy," Robin tells him.
"Hmm." Zoro glances at the tent with a nod. Leaving Vivi in charge of alliances certainly seems like a strong decision. Though, Zoro suspects that it won't change much. Luffy gets what Luffy wants, always and despite all other protests. "Have you seen Usopp?"
"He's down at the cove," Nami replies lazily from her chair. "He wanted to sketch some of the sea kings that pop up around this time everyday. I'm sure Chopper can take you down."
Zoro feels the red blush spreading across his cheeks. "I can go myself," he growls.
Robin giggles.
Rolling his eyes, Zoro starts toward the cove, only pausing when an arm grows out of one of the trees and pulls him to the left. Robin gives him a wink when he glances back at her.
He finds Usopp sitting on the edge of the island, occasionally glancing up at the sea kings that have surfaced. Unsurprisingly, the drawing is flawless and Zoro almost feels bad interrupting him. But, with Luffy distracted, it means Zoro can have an actual conversation with the sniper. Chopper's been pretty insistent on it. That he should talk when he feels like he needs to get something off his chest. And, this has been weighing on him since Thriller Bark.
Usopp starts slightly when Zoro nudges him with his foot, throwing the pencil at Zoro's head. He dodges it with ease, smirking down at the sniper.
"Zoro!" Usopp yelps. "What's the big idea?"
"What are you doing?" Zoro asks, settling himself on the ground beside Usopp.
"Well, I was drawing. What are you doing?"
"Luffy's busy," Zoro replies. "I wanted to talk."
Usopp blinks, looking mildly surprised. "Oh, sure." He closes the sketchbook, turning slightly to give Zoro his full attention.
Zoro's eyes rake over the sniper for a moment, his mind trying to decide where and how to start. Instinct takes over. Leaning forward slightly, Zoro slaps his palm across the back of his head. Usopp yelps, scrunching himself down and bringing both hands up to protect his head.
"Ow, Zoro! What the hell?"
Glaring at him, Zoro grits his teeth and slams a finger into Usopp's chest. "You are not worthless. You're nakama. And I won't have you doubting yourself like a fucking moron."
The annoyance leaves Usopp's face, replaced by confused surprise. "Zoro."
"I know what those ghosts made you feel. I felt it too. And I know why you were so upset about Merry."
Usopp drops his gaze. "Look, Zoro-"
"No. Don't talk, listen."
Falling silent, Usopp bites his lip but meets Zoro's gaze.
"You're the strongest person on this fucking crew. Feeling like that all the time and still. Shit, Usopp. I fell to pieces feeling like that. And you. Shit." Zoro can't keep himself from rambling. The more he thinks about it, the more his respect for the sniper grows. Explodes across his chest. "You're the strongest person on this crew. Don't you ever doubt that. We'd fall apart without you. And if you lot of idiots won't leave my pathetic ass behind, we sure as hell wouldn't leave you."
Usopp glares at him. "You aren't pathetic."
"Neither are you. And I'll tell you that every goddamned day if I have to. Whatever I have to do to make you see what we see. Next time we run into Perona, I want that attack to do something to you."
I want you to have enough confidence in yourself. To see what I see. I want Perona to make you spout lies.
For a long moment, Usopp considers him. "Fine. But it has to work on you too."
Zoro blinks at him. This is not where this conversation is supposed to go. This isn't supposed to be about Zoro. It's supposed to be about Usopp.
"That's the deal." The sniper sticks his hand out for Zoro to shake. "Next time we meet up with - what did you say her name was?"
"Perona."
"Next time we meet up with Perona, she effects us both. Deal?"
Zoro glances down at the hand for a moment. His chest aches at the memory of the hollow feeling. A feeling he once thought he believed he should be feeling.
I didn't do anything wrong.
"Deal."
"A year of training together and a year apart?" the cook echoes, glancing between Vivi and Luffy.
Luffy nods. "Sabo said Bear Guy wanted to send us important places. Places that would help us get stronger." Dark eyes move to Zoro. "N' Vivi said Zoro wanted him to send us. When we were on Sabaody. He didn't wanna change where anyone else was going. Just where he went."
Zoro nods.
"I don't want us apart for two whole years." Luffy's gaze lingers on Zoro. Because he doesn't trust that Zoro won't panic without all his nakama there.
After the past three nightmares, waking up with red hot panic coursing through his veins because Jinbe was nowhere to be found, Zoro can't say he blames the captain. The cook's black eye still hasn't completely faded.
"So, we're gonna train with Rayleigh for a year n' then Bear Guy's gonna send everybody where they need to go."
A small round of agreement follows the declaration. It doesn't keep the rock from sinking in Zoro's stomach. The way Chopper talks, even with the medication that Zoro has made a point of taking for the past two weeks - because the last time he tried to refuse taking the damn things, Luffy and Chopper had yelled at him for hours and made him promise to keep taking them ("If you think they stopped working or the side effects are too much, tell me, Zoro. I can change the dosage or we can try a new medication. But you have to take them") - this disorder, this panic, this weakness, may not be tamed in a year. To face Mihawk like this would be unbearable.
"Zoro," Luffy says as the crew begin to filter to bed.
Zoro pauses, glancing back at his unusually nervous captain. "Luffy?"
Luffy draws in a deep breath and then lets it out. "I want you to stay with me."
I don't want you to go where Kuma wants to send you.
"Oh?" Zoro can't manage anything else.
"I know. I know Zoro's strong. So strong. But, I don't want Zoro all alone."
I don't want you to need me and not be able to come to me.
"Luffy."
"You choose," Luffy interrupts. "I trust Zoro. If you think you're gonna be okay n' you wanna go where Bear Guy wants to send you, that's okay. But, it's okay if you wanna stay here, too. With me. N' you don't gotta tell me now, either. We have a whole year. I just. I wanted to make sure you knew. I'm never gonna leave you all alone."
Zoro's lips twitch in a smile. "I know that, Luffy."
"Promise?"
Promise me that you'll never doubt how much I love you.
"Promise."
"Ne, Zoro? Is it okay that I'm not him?"
Will you still love me, even if your captain and I are different people?
"You are him," Zoro replies with ease. "Just like I'm yours. You're mine, Luffy. No matter what. You are my captain. And I will follow you anywhere. Just, promise me one thing. Promise me that you will never go where I can't follow you."
The request earns him an armful of his emotional captain, squeezing him in a tight hug and a whisper of "promise".
The soft lull of Bink's Sake pulls Zoro from his slumber. He can feel the warmth of Luffy's chest pressed against his back, one arm resting across Zoro's hip. The rest of his nakama breath evenly, undisturbed by the soft violin music. Blinking, Zoro shifts to look across the tent. Even though the tent walls dim the full moon, he can very clearly see Brook's afro on the far cot.
Luffy stirs slightly as Zoro sits himself up on his elbows, confusion swirling around him. Brook sleeps across the tent. But, the air fills with the soft sound of a violin.
"Yo ho ho ho, yo ho ho ho. Yo ho ho ho, yo ho ho ho. Yo ho ho ho, yo ho ho ho. Yo ho ho ho, yo ho ho ho."
The voices float into the tent and Zoro shoots upright. He knows those voices. Places them with ease. The crew's voices.
"Zoro?" Luffy mutters, word still thick with sleep.
Zoro ignores him, pushing himself off the cot and onto his feet. He stumbles slightly, catching himself on the cook's cot and earning a grumble from the blonde.
"Binkusu no sake wo, todoke ni yuku yo."
"Who the hell is singing?" the cook mutters.
Vaguely, Zoro's aware of the others rising behind him. He can't force himself to think about it. The full moon illuminates ten figures, spread out around the campsite, singing loud and happy along with the music.
"Umikaze kimakas namimakase. Shio no mukou de yuuhi mo swagu. Sora nya wa o kaku, tori no uta. Sayonara minato, tsumugi no sato yo."
"What the hell is going on?" Nami screeches from within her tent.
"Shishishi!"
Zoro's feet freeze him outside the tent as he takes in the grinning people lazing around their campsite. Luffy's spirit meets him halfway, stopping in front of Zoro with a wide, stunning grin.
"Zoro looks better!" the captain cheers.
"Luffy," Zoro whispers.
"We were worried, dummy," Luffy tells him, patiently. "You should have told them sooner, Zoro. Nami yelled a lot cause you wouldn't. She gave Usopp a headache!"
Can ghosts get headaches? Zoro doesn't ask. Instead, his gaze finds the redheaded spirit sitting on the ground and watching the rest of the living crew arrive with a frown. He knows the exact moment that she spots Vivi, watching the frown morph into a soft smile instead.
"O-oi," Usopp mutters from somewhere behind them. "R-real ghosts."
"Usopp, get your dumbass off me," the cook snaps. "They aren't dangerous. They're us."
"That's why they're dangerous!" the sniper whines.
"Shishishi!" Luffy's spirit lets out a wild laugh. "Usopp's such a scaredy cat."
"Oi, oi!" Usopp's spirit protests. "I'm a brave warrior of the sea, now!"
Zoro glances over in time to see Usopp's spirit puff his chest out.
"Yo, Vivi," Nami greets with a warm smile.
"Yo, Nami-san." Vivi's voice wavers slightly.
"You bunch of morons better take care of her," the ghost of the navigator tells them. "She's one hell of a girl." There's a slight pause in which Vivi wipes some tears away, a smile on her face, and Nami's spirit smiles back at her. A smile that falls once her gaze moves to the living navigator beside Vivi. "And, if you ever talk to him like that again, I will make you regret it."
"Nami-san is so beautiful when she's protecting our idiot marimo!" the cook's spirit cheers, hearts in his eyes.
Good to know the moron is girl crazy, even when he's dead. Cold brushes Zoro's chest and he turns back to his captain, watching the spirit's fingers trace over his bare chest. Over the x-shaped burn scar that part of Zoro hopes will never fade. A mark that will forever remind him of his first captain.
"We match now," Luffy whispers. "Now, you won't ever forget me."
Zoro's breath catches for a moment. "How could I ever forget you?"
The spirit smiles up at him.
"Luffy," Jinbe calls softly.
"Oh, right." The smile fades, cold fingers still resting against Zoro's chest. "We gotta go now."
"Go?"
Nodding, Luffy's spirit looks up at him with a wavering smile. "You and Vivi did it. You changed it. So, we can't be here anymore. We gotta go."
Go. This time, they're truly going to leave Zoro. It should shred his chest to pieces. Somehow, it doesn't.
"We aren't leaving you alone. We'd never leave you alone. Zoro's nakama will take care of him. Love him. Like we do. Cause, they know too. You didn't do anything wrong."
"I didn't do anything wrong." The words come with ease and lack the usual stabbing pain in his chest.
Luffy fucking beams. The coldness drifts up, hand moving to Zoro's cheek instead. "My best nakama," he whispers. "Brave and strong and the best. We're gonna go and you're gonna be okay."
Tell me you'll be okay, Luffy is saying. He wants to know that he can leave Zoro without having to worry about him. That he can leave with no regrets.
"I'm gonna be okay," Zoro agrees. "I'm not alone. I didn't do anything wrong."
The concern leaves his face and all the weight seems to vanish both crews.
"Right." The spirit nods furiously. Then, his gaze moves past Zoro, to the younger Luffy standing behind him. "I got one last captain's orders for Zoro, 'kay?"
"Yosh." Zoro hears from behind him.
"Thanks!" Firm eyes meet Zoro's. "Zoro, live. Not survive. Live."
Zoro's brow furrows.
"You're happy to be alive, right? Prove it to me, Zoro. Live. Live for you."
Pulling in as deep a breath as he can muster, Zoro nods.
"You're gonna be the World's Greatest Swordsman," Luffy says firmly. "Promise me."
Live for you. Find your dream again. Live to be the best again.
Zoro's alive. Zoro's alive and he didn't do anything wrong. Surviving wasn't wrong. And living isn't wrong.
I didn't do anything wrong. "I'm going to be the World's Greatest Swordsman. I promise."
The pitch black Zoro wakes to does nothing to tame his wildly beating heart. Every ounce of him has soaked through with sweat, his shirt sticking to his skin. His mind searches the unfamiliar area. Trees, flowers, wild animals, the sea. Nami. Robin. Luffy. Chopper. Usopp. Brook. Franky. The cook.
But Luffy isn't next to him. The bed beside him is cold. Luffy is on the island. Zoro can feel him, but he isn't here. Luffy isn't here. And, there's only eight of them. Someone is missing. Someone else should be here. Jinbe.
Jinbe is gone.
Gone. Gone. Gone
Zoro's throat burns as he gasps in air, trying to force his limbs to work as his body trembles. Get up. Get up. Find Luffy. Make sure he's safe. Get the others out of here. Where is Jinbe? Why is he gone? Where is his nakama?
"Oi, oi," the cook rumbles, smell of sweet tobacco filling Zoro's nose. Warm hands poke into his side. "It's alright, marimo. Shove over."
Zoro's adrenaline spikes and he snatches the cook's hands, running his fingers over both palms and all ten digits. No unusual bumps. Nothing bent the wrong way.
The cook waits patiently for Zoro to release him before he climbs under the covers as well. "Breathe," the order is patient and kind. The cook pulls Zoro close, letting Zoro rest against his chest. The steady thump, thump of his heart pressing into Zoro's ear. "Come here, follow my breaths."
"Jinbe," Zoro gasps out.
"He's safe, Zoro. Breathe with me."
Thump, thump. Breathe in. Thump, thump. Breathe out.
It takes a few minutes of breathing to the cook's heartbeat for Zoro to calm his racing heart. By the time he can finally breathe correctly, sleep clings to the back of his mind and Zoro's too exhausted to kick the cook out of his bed.
"Sorry," he mutters instead.
"It's fine. Are you alright?"
Zoro hums in lieu of an answer.
"You haven't done this in a while," the cook points out.
Months now. Zoro can't remember if it's been four or five, but it's definitely been months since one of his nakama had to crawl into his bed to calm him down in the dead of night.
"Zoro."
Zoro loves all of his nakama, with every ounce of himself. But, some days, he fucking hates them. Because, even though he's been doing better - less nightmares, watching everyone bleed without descending into panic, finding fun in fighting - they all still insist on him talking about his feelings. To an annoying extent.
"Dunno," he mutters, sleep tugging him toward darkness.
"Dunno?" the cook answers.
"Dunno why." Zoro yawns. "Now, go to sleep."
"Do you really not know? Or are you just avoiding the question?"
"Really dunno."
It's the truth. Zoro isn't entirely sure where this sudden bout of panic came from. He suspects it has to do with the face that the year mark approaches and in two days' time, all of his nakama will be far away from him. But, with no memory of the dream, it's only a guess.
"Alright," the cook sighs. "Want me out?"
"No. Want you to shut up and let me sleep."
"Tch. So bossy, marimo."
Sleep trickles in quickly once they fall silent. The cook must keep the night's hiccup to himself because neither Luffy nor Chopper descend upon him. Zoro's grateful. The anxiety of knowing they'll all be apart for a year lingers just below his skin. It doesn't help that he knows Luffy will be just as anxious with his decision.
He told his captain months ago that he wants to stay on Amazon Lily, with Luffy. The random attacks of weakness and panic have been spread out, but they've been there. Harsh and horrifying bouts of absolute terror that seem to shake the crew as hard as they shake Zoro. And, maybe it's cowardly, but Zoro knows he can't face Mihawk like this.
Still, there are a few things he needs to take care of in the New World. Because, if Zoro's going to protect this crew, he's going to do it right.
"What do you know about the Vinsmokes?" Zoro asks Sabo when he and Kuma arrive on Amazon Lily.
A blonde eyebrow raises as the revolutionary glances at him. "The Vinsmokes?"
Zoro nods.
"They've been in the New World for a few years now."
"Do you know where to find them?"
Sabo's lips twitch slightly. "You're going to pick a fight."
"I don't pick fights. I win fights. Do you know where to find them?"
Sabo nods. "I'll take you."
A small spark of anger flutters in Zoro's chest. "I don't need a babysitter."
"No," Sabo agrees. "You need a navigator."
"I don't need a navigator, asshole."
"Too late," Sabo says in that singsong voice that reminds him entirely too much of Luffy. "You've got one."
"Oi, gather round shitheads! And you lovely ladies."
The cook rolls the barrel of sake to the middle of their home of a year. It's a familiar gesture that makes Zoro's heart flutter lightly. One by one, the crew begin to gather around the barrel for one last promise to each other before they separate for a year.
"To be King of the Pirates!"
"To find the All Blue."
"To be a brave warrior of the sea."
"To draw a map of the world."
"To find all the Poneglyphs."
"To cure all diseases."
"To see Laboon again."
"To sail Sunny 'round the world!"
"To be a real pirate."
Zoro places his foot on the barrel between Luffy and Vivi's. "To be the World's Greatest Swordsman."
His captain beams at him. In a swift, perfect movement, their feet go up and crash down together. Laughter rings out, grins stretching across everyone's faces as they begin to bid farewell.
Luffy bounds over to Zoro's side. "Remember your den den mushi."
"I've got it, Sencho."
"'N Sabo isn't gonna let you get lost."
"I don't get lost."
"'N Vivi will be with you until you leave Fishman Island."
After a long conversation with Luffy, Zoro, and Jinbe, the princess decided her year would be spent working on the alliances the Strawhats would need for the future. With Law's already secured, Vivi wants to work on securing Fishman Island and King Neptune. Though, Zoro has the suspicion that she has a second motive with the way her eyes lit up at the mention of the mermaid princess.
"I'm going to be fine, Luffy. I'll be back before you know it."
Luffy nods, tugging lightly at Zoro's shirt to keep his attention. "I know. But, I'm gonna miss Zoro."
"I'll miss you too, baka." Zoro ruffles his hair and smiles. "But, I'll be fine. I've got Sabo, right? N' Rayleigh will be here with you. We're all going to be fine."
"We're all gonna be fine." Luffy beams up at him.
"Oi! Zoro, we're first. Let's go!" Sabo calls.
Giving Luffy one last smile, Zoro moves across the clearing, careful to avoid the ruined barrel on the ground. Vivi pulls away from Nami to join him beside Sabo, grinning widely at them.
"Bye, mina!" the princess calls. "We'll see you soon."
"Bye Vivi! Bye Zoro!"
"We'll miss you!"
"Take good care of Vivi-chan, baka marimo."
Giggling, Vivi glances up at Zoro as Kuma approaches them. Their eyes meet and the slight nerves rolling through her trickle into Zoro, even as she smiles.
"Together," she says around a deep breath.
Zoro's lips twitch upward, his hand finding hers. "Together."
Warning! This chapter contains:
Panic Attacks
Nightmares
Attempts at Self Harm
Depression
Please read responsibly!
(Scene One: Panic Attack and Attempts at Self Harm) After waking up cuddling with Sanji, Zoro falls back asleep only to have a nightmare of being back on the island. After Sanji pulls him out of it, Zoro panics and checks Sanji over for injuries. Realizing, he is unharmed, Zoro collapses against Sanji crying and tries to calm himself by hitting himself repeatedly in the thigh, which our cook quickly puts a stop to while trying to coax Zoro into crying as a way of calming his , after Sanji repeatedly tells Zoro that there is no shame in having emotions, Zoro cries.
(Scene Two: Depression and Panic Attacks) Zoro admits to Luffy that he wants the crew to be angry with him. He's hoping that their anger will help him feel something, as he's started to feel empty. Luffy assures Zoro that the crew are not going to be angry with him and that Zoro will always belong to them, no matter how much he changes. Admitting that he doesn't want it to be quiet, despite it being the middle of the night, Zoro is mortified when Luffy yells for Usopp to come join them. The sniper doesn't bat an eye at Luffy's request that Usopp tell them stories so Zoro can fall asleep with someone talking and Zoro begins to accept that it's okay for him to heal.
(Scene Three: Attempts at Self Harm) This one is blink and you'll miss it brief! After Brook tells Zoro that the whole crew has been with him the entire time, he worries that they are disappointed in him and begins to pull at his hair again. Brook puts a swift and gentle end to it by reminding him that he should talk instead of try to hurt himself.
Scene One begins with:
"A new smell tickles his nose from beyond the darkness. Hot. Smokey. Burning..."
Scene One ends with:
"Zoro doesn't cry. He fucking sobs."
Scene Two begins with:
"His captain's arms tighten around him. Luffy's been touchy. Really touchy."
Scene Two ends with:
"The voices in his head quiet down. Usopp squeezes his ankle and begins the story."
Scene Three begins with:
"Zoro hums, resting his chin on his knee to stare out at the setting sun. "
Scene Three ends with:
"Can you tell me how to deal with this? Tell me how to be better. To be fixed."
And there you have it. Chapter Twenty-Seven is complete and so is this fic. I hope you all enjoyed the ending! It did take a bit longer than I intended and the chapter is so much longer than I thought it would be, but I like where it ended. In my mind, Vivi's time is best spent working on alliances for the crew and, while she does intend to see Shirahoshi again, Vivi's main motive for going to Fishman Island is to ensure that Jinbe will end up with the crew. Though, she doesn't tell Zoro that.
Our boy is off to take care of the Vinsmokes before they can become a problem, because - in his mind - he owes Sanji that much. And, plus, it will give him a way to kill time and discover how to be apart from the crew without panicking.
Overall, I think I'm pretty proud of this fic. It took a lot of time and effort but it was so much fun and it gave me a lot of confience in my writing. Depending on how the manga goes and how life goes for me, I may write a sequel to this, just because it feels so right seeing Vivi on this crew. But, for now, I think The Next Right Thing works well as a stand alone work. Again, a huge shoutout for all of you for encouraging and kind words! You're the best. Thanks for reading and going on this journey with me. I hope to see you all in the next story I attempt to write. Remember to stay healthy, stay sane, and stay safe out there everyone!